Work Text:
(Melon is having dinner with Legoshi, Haru, and their kids).
Legoshi/Haru: [Is this really our life...?].
Melon (stops eating for a sec): So... how's everything, pup?
Legoshi: Oh, just peachy. Got my pred--special case sealed, married your former student, started a family... what about you? Where have you been hiding?
Melon (deadpan): You know where I've been. You're the one who sent me there.
Haru: That's on you. Nobody told you to go around kil--unaliving innocent beasts.
Melon (chuckles): Seriously? Didn't take you for the self-censoring type, Haru-chan.
Haru (stern): Only my husband can use that name.
Melon: Well excuse me, Princess!
Haruto (eldest son): Uh, Dad? Isn't this the same creep who tried to kill you twice? Didn't he also stab himself in front of Mom to get an erec--
Legoshi/Haru: HARUTO!
Melon (casually shrugs): That was then, Junior. Let bygones be bygones.
Haruto (unamused): My name is Haruto. (Melon barely represses a laugh). What's so funny?
Melon: Like the ninja? Didn't take you for an otaku, pup.
Legoshi: Actually, we named him after Haru's great-great-great-great-great-great...
Spongebob Narrator: Two hours later...
Legoshi: ...great-great-great-great-great grandfather, Lieutenant Colonel Heinrich Haruto von Padfoot XXXIX. He fought for the Confederacy in the Civil War.
Melon: That's hard to believe.
Haru: What's hard to believe? Herbivores have fought in wars since forever.
Melon: No, I meant the USA being a thing in this universe; go figure. Also, that's a lot of Harutos and Heinrichs. (Turns to the girl). And who might you be, young miss?
Leago (youngest daughter): I'm Leago. I'm writing a Funger fanfic. Also, kindly refrain from assuming my gender.
Melon: Funger? As in Fear & Hunger?
Haru: Don't look at us. Me and Legoshi restrict their internet access to half an hour everyday, one hour on weekends. We even paid extra to childproof all major websites.
Haruto: Yep; including BeastTube. Can't even watch a stinking videogame playthrough...
Legoshi (stern): We've already been through this, Har. No videogames or online binging until after you're married. Too much BeastTube will rot your brain.
Haruto: [Whatever you say, Mr. I-Ate-My-Senpai's-Leg-to-Beat-Up-An-Ursine-Woobie...]. But Little Miss Funger here writing creepy crackships is A-OK?
Leago: You're just jealous 'coz you don't have any imagination.
Haruto: This from the girl who wrote a one-shot of me sexy-fusing with our imaginary big brother from an alternate universe. Hell was his name, again?
Leago: Lee. He's a distant cousin in that story.
Haruto: How's that any better!? It's still sexy-fuse and ince--icky and gross! You seriously don't see anything wrong with that, 'Ago!?
Leago (utterly unimpressed): It's called the Marriage of the Flesh. It's a gift from the Old God Sylvian, who... (Starts rambling about Funger lore. Haruto stares daggers at Legoshi and Haru, who simply shrug).
Legoshi: That's enough, Leago. Remember what we talked about: no Funger during supper.
Leago (all cute and innocent): Ok, Daddy.
Haruto: May I be excused? I need to bathe in mind bleach... again.
Haru: Finish your ramen first.
Haruto: Deal.
Melon: [And I thought I had issues...].