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Eddie doesn’t say anything after opening the door. He doesn’t really have to. He’s known Buck long enough to know what he needs from him.
For the first beer, they will be completely quiet. They will only be able to hear the sounds of cars driving through the neighborhood and an occasional police siren they won’t comment on. A dog or three will bark. Nobody will bring up that he’s in his chones. Eddie will hear Buck swallowing down large gulps of beer. He will rub off the droplets on the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand and then reach for another.
For the second beer, they will ask mundane things. How’s Christopher? You talk to your folks lately? When’s your next day off? Eddie will do most of the talking- but not a lot. And nothing important in case Buck is still in his head. Buck feels bad when he realizes he wasn’t paying attention.
For the third beer, Eddie asks, “So. What happened?”
Buck sighs. He puts a hand to his face, his fingers rubbing the spot where his birth mark is, as if to knead out the stress. Eddie can guess it.
“Tommy broke up with me.” He sounds more annoyed than hurt. Maybe confused. Too confused that it’s overwhelming the hurt he is feeling. Eddie never really asked a lot of questions about Tommy and his relationship to gauge how devastated Buck is by this. He had them around, and it was fine. It was even fun sometimes.
He thinks back to the Father’s words and how he denies himself joy. He remembers one occasion in which Tommy leaned his head on Buck’s shoulder. He didn’t allow himself to feel whatever he felt when he looked at them. He didn’t deserve to know himself.
Eddie asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.” Liar.
But he doesn’t see Buck as a sinner.
Eddie tells him, “You’ll be okay.” At least now he knows. He knows men are an option, and it’s fine. The world didn’t end for Buck. The world opened up for him as a matter of fact. And while that was happening, Eddie closed himself in a confession booth, watching Buck through the holes of it.
Buck’s facial expressions contort through many different motions as he tries to keep the words in. Eddie doesn’t rush him to get them out. His lips pout, and he sighs again. His eyes stare at Eddie like a wounded animal begging to be put out of its misery when it only has a splinter in its paw.
Eddie pulls the thorn out by saying, “You can talk to me. You know that, right?”
“I know. It’s just. So messy when I try to make sense of it.”
“Messy? Was there screaming?” He can’t imagine them fighting. They were two adult men, and they were seemingly able to talk through their issues fine. Eddie didn’t see anything wrong with Buck but whatever Tommy seemed to pick at, Buck was willing to listen and talk about it. Eddie thought that was so nice that he almost imagined having that with someone who was awfully firefighter shaped and well versed in it. It jump started an immediate Our father, who art in heaven-
“Not really messy. That’s why I’m so confused.” Buck takes another chug. “We were fine. It was completely fine. Even after we brought up Abby, it was fine. I thought it was going so well that I asked him to move in.”
“You what?” Raising one eyebrow isn’t enough so both of Eddie’s go up.
Now he sounds hurt when he says, “He called me impulsive.”
“I mean,” Eddie’s lips press together, and Buck rolls his eyes. He’s kind of smiling for the first time all night. It’s hidden in the corner of his mouth, but it’s there for Eddie to see.
“I just don’t understand. I want something, I go for it. Everyone sees it as impulsive, but I see it as brave.” He wags his finger, his other hand gripped tight on his beer.
This is why Eddie loves Buck. He is brave. He knows who he is. He knows what he wants. He sees himself as deserving, and Eddie agrees. Buck should have whatever he wants.
Eddie explains to him, “You just need to think certain things through, so you don’t have regrets afterwards. It’ll save you a lot of trouble.” Eddie thinks what kissing Buck would be like through. He doesn’t want to have regrets afterwards, so he doesn’t do it. There is no world in which that want plays out well. There is no world in which Eddie deserves Buck in that way. He can barely keep it together for his son or for himself. He’s barely getting himself back.
Still, he stares at Buck. He can indulge. Priest’s orders. This is basically penance- to lose himself in the ocean of Buck.
Buck says, “He broke up with me to save himself the trouble.”
Oh right. Tommy. “Of what? Breaking up with you later?”
“No. Me breaking up with him.”
“How could he have predicted that?”
“I don’t know. He just didn’t know me I guess.” Buck finishes his third beer. There’s nothing else after that usually. He just sits back and sleeps on his side of the couch for the most part. “At least you know me.” Eddie finds himself grinning, and he feels like a stupid school kid.
“Too well to be honest.” Eddie needs to deflect with a joke, but it’s not working.
Buck whispers, “Thank you for not judging me.”
Eddie’s eyes stay as far away from Buck now. Enough penance. “Yeah, well. Not my place to judge you.” He motions down to his still bare legs. “I’m the one drinking beer in his underwear like a deadbeat dad.”
“Hey,” Buck’s voice slightly rises. “You’re not a deadbeat dad. Don’t say that about yourself.” He’s slightly drunk, but he means all of it even as the words mush together a bit. He’s still alert and aware of what he’s saying. “You’re a great dad, Eddie. It’s just hard right now. But we’ll get him back soon. Just watch.”
“Yeah,” Eddie agrees with him for once. “We will.” He believes it because Buck believes it. It’s important to the both of them. “Thank you.”
“It’s what I’m here for.” Eddie wishes Buck were there for other things, too. But he can’t have that. They can’t have that.
Penance?
Eddie looks at him again, and Buck is staring right at him. It dawns on him how close they’re sitting together now. When did they get shoulder to shoulder? Eddie doesn’t know. This always happens. Well, it hasn’t happened after Tommy. But it’s after Tommy again. This time he’s gone, and it’s fine.
Which means if they stopped it then it meant-
No. It didn’t mean anything.
Eddie finishes the rest of his beer.
Buck and him are quiet. The neighbor’s dogs are barking. There’s a helicopter off in the distance somewhere flying over LA. He wishes he could hear Christopher’s voice right now.
Eddie wants to try something. He’s sleepy, and he can blame it on the buzz in the morning. He leans his head on Buck’s shoulder. This is penance for real this time.
Buck lets him. Of course he lets him. He doesn’t move him, but he’s not stiff either. He leans his head on top of Eddie’s, and they sit there. He wonders what’s racing through his head. Buck with a million thoughts a minute. Eddie with only one.
Eddie confesses, “I think I’ve been jealous.” Now he feels Buck’s body tense up next to him. But he doesn’t move.
“Jealous of what?”
“That you could be who you are.” Buck seems to be lightly more at ease. He doesn’t leave Eddie. Buck’s cheek presses against the top of his head. They both smell of beer now, but he can still smell Buck’s cologne. He’s been following it around the firehouse for years.
“You can be who you are, too.”
“I don’t know who I am yet.” Or maybe he’s always known. It’s just scary to admit it.
“It wasn’t you with a moustache?” Buck chuckles. Eddie smiles again, but it freezes in place when Buck’s hand reaches up to touch his upper lip. “You feel less sad.”
“Feel?” Buck’s hands fall to his side, but his laugh vibrates against Eddie’s face.
“Yeah. It’s nice. I’ve missed you.” It’s Eddie’s turn to be still now.
It’s difficult to not let the words come out as a whisper, “I’ve been here the whole time.”
“I know but. It’s different now.”
Whatever Buck means, Eddie doesn’t have the guts to ask.
Buck tells him, “I wonder where men in LA go to meet other men.” Eddie’s head is still against Buck’s shoulder, so Buck doesn’t see his fuchi face.
“You’re already thinking about dating other men?” He tries to sound amused, happy for him even, but he knows he sounds unimpressed. Bitter, even.
“Well, I’m just saying. If he’s going to break up with me because he said he’s not my last, then I might as well go look for the next.”
“Don’t.”
“You think it’s too soon?” Buck asks, nudging at Eddie’s head by shaking his shoulder lightly.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour
“I don’t want you to.”
Buck asks, starting to get worried, “You didn’t feel abandoned while I was with Tommy, did you? I know we couldn’t hang out as much, but I thou-,”
“Buck,” Eddie sits up and looks him in the eye. “I just don’t want you to.” Buck stares at him confused. Then a light seems to turn on, but he doesn’t seem to believe him. His head tilts, his eyes narrowing and trying to read through Eddie’s skull. Eddie thinks that if he pictures Jesus on the cross Buck won’t be able to read his mind.
Buck asks, nervously, “You were jealous of me… or Tommy?”
Thou shalt not covet
“I don’t know.” He adds, “Right now.” Buck’s face looks a little flushed. Eddie’s mind is spinning. Is this how Buck feels all the time? He respects him more. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“No, no,” Buck says and adjusts himself on the couch to face him completely. “It’s fine. Let’s talk about it.” Eddie puts his head down and hides in his hands. “If you want to.”
“It’s the wrong time.”
“Is there ever a right time for anything?”
Eddie inhales and exhales hot breath into the palms of his hands. He looks at Buck from the corner of his eyes. His soft face and willingness to listen. The willingness to wreck it all. He is so brave.
Eddie should be brave, too.
He sits up and also turns his body to Buck. They’re both long limbed and look ridiculous trying to sit with their legs up on the couch. Knees touch, Buck curiously watching him, letting Eddie take his time and make a move.
Would it be so wrong to make a move? To move mountains?
But they just stare at each other in silence. It seems they’ve never needed many words to communicate. What they need now is action.
They both lunge at each other at the same time and kiss.
It’s full of fire, and sweltering breath. Buck holds Eddie’s face between his hands as he kisses him as if he’s been missing this his entire life. Eddie doesn’t know where to put his hands. He grabs at the front of Buck’s shirt and holds on tight as if he’d disappear when he lets go.
Buck’s hands move from his face to his waist, and he brings Eddie onto his lap in one easy move, keeping his lips on his. It’s a horrible time to not be wearing pants, but Eddie forgets about that. He forgets about the guilt he feels for experiencing joy. He lets himself feel joy when he stops to look in Buck’s blue eyes for a second, scanning his face for any ounce of regret. He doesn’t find any. He finds a grin instead.
He kisses his open mouth again, slotting his tongue inside. They both taste of beer and Buck smells so good. Buck’s hands slide down the side of his bare thighs, feeling the smoothness of his skin and grabbing onto the muscle of it. Eddie’s leaves his hands behind Buck’s neck, letting him carry him through this.
It’s not as scary as he thought. He feels completion more than anything. Moments with women from all his life form a puzzle, and he is slotting in the final piece he left in the box on purpose. He knows who he is. He’s known for a while. He just thought he didn’t deserve to experience that.
Yet here he is, with his best friend.
They stop for a moment, catching their breath. Are they going to spend forever looking at each other?
Buck asks with red lips, “Can we keep kissing?” Eddie’s face gets hotter if it’s possible. Buck should have whatever he wants. It’s an easy answer because it will make the both of them happy.
“Yes.” He can ask for forgiveness later- if needed.