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For as long as he could remember, Neil had despised the flower on his arm. The signifier that there was someone made for him. Someone outside of the hell that was running from his father; the hell of not being allowed to define who he was. It was the promise that there was a part of him that was supposed to belong to someone else. A freedom from his current nightmare by simply handing the chains to someone unknown.
He had looked up the meaning of chrysanthemums once, out of bored curiosity. Happiness . It almost felt like a joke. As if happiness would ever be something Neil would have the luxury of feeling. The closest was the sheer exhilaration on the field playing exy. Always a danger in of itself but always, always where Neil felt he belonged. There was always a part of him that needed exy more than it needed air. Adrenaline was his drug of choice and by god , Neil was a junkie . Maybe it wasn’t something to be proud of - maybe it was a damn death wish given he spent each day with that crawling fear of being found once more. But it kept him going. It gave him that will to continue each day.
His will to survive; his will to simply exist had certainly never come from a place of happiness or a desire to meet his missing puzzle piece. After all, Nathaniel Wesninski had a soulmate with a matching chrysanthemum adorning their skin. Neil Josten did not. Neil Josten didn’t exist. Not really. But this identity… this version of himself. It fit better than any other identity ever had. The first version of himself truly created by himself and himself alone.
The version of himself that actually learnt how to just fucking breathe . The one that made stupid decisions such as joining college Exy team, form attachments, and understand what it finally meant to live in lieu of just surviving. He understood the meaning of loyalty. Not the kind formed out of fear, but the kind formed upon realising these were people he would do anything for. A family. His family.
Most of the Foxes had never shied away from their soulmarks. Nicky had talked endlessly about the forget-me-nots on his leg echoed on Erik’s all the way in Germany, never quite losing that loved up look in his eyes as he did. Dan and Matt proudly showed off the brambles that crawled their ways around each hand. That was without mentioning the sunflower winding its way up onto the side of Aaron’s next that just so conveniently matched the one on the Vixen’s star flyer.
So it shouldn’t have surprised him when he was first pestered about his own.
It was Nicky who started the conversation. “Oh, come on! You have to tell us, Neil!” The words were practically a whine combined with puppy dog eyes that would have had a higher success rate were Nicky a child and not a grown man. “You’ve seen all of ours. It’s only fair.” The last word left the taste of ash in his mouth.
Fuck fair .
“None of you are a match so why does it matter?” Neil tried to brush it off as nothing, ignoring the tight feeling that formed in his stomach. Oh, he didn’t like this. He didn’t like it one bit. “It’s not a big deal.”
That was apparently the wrong thing to say as Nicky lunged forward, clearly intent on pulling up Neil’s sleeve and simply looking for himself. “Oh come o-“ His words were cut off as a hand snatched Nicky’s wrist midair. Neil glanced up to see Andrew bearing down on them. His expression was neutral but there was no doubting the anger in his eyes.
“He said no.” Neil had been thrown off by Andrew’s adamance before remembering the black band on his arm concealed more than just knives. Meaning there was always the small chance theirs matched. But Neil wasn’t an optimist and he sure as shit didn’t have the time to dream over something impossible.
In all honesty, he almost forgot the conversation entirely when the world around him turned back into hellfire. It was like his life was going by in a snapshots rather than continuously; tangible. Playing with the Ravens. His father. Riko. So much blood. Then a kiss; then Andrew.
A kiss that reawoke that small spark of hope within him. Maybe they really were a match.
That was what brought them to their current situation stood upon the roof of Fox Tower and sharing a cigarette as if it were a secret. It was the closest to true peace that Neil had ever experienced. He couldn’t help but wonder if this was what happiness felt like.
“Show me.” Andreil inclined his head towards Neil’s arm, his expression unreadable as he moved to remove one of his own arm bands.
It was the same arm.
Maybe Neil was a little too enthusiastic as he rolled up his sleeve, earning him a snort in response. He was quick to glance over at Andrew’s arm, certain he knew what would be upon it. His expression fell as he took in the orange flowers. Butterfly weed . They didn’t match. Andrew Minyard set his heart aflame but they weren’t soulmates and Neil…Neil felt like the world was crashing around him all over again.
There was an uncharacteristic gentleness as Andrew took his arm into his hands, turning it to get a good look. “He doesn’t know but Roland matches mine.” There was such casualness to his voice as if it were something minor at best. As if this wasn’t Andrew telling him they’re weren’t supposed to be together; that he already knew who he’d end up with. “Relax, junkie.” His eyes met Neil’s. “If I wanted him, he would know. I wouldn’t be stuck on this roof with a shitty cigarette and you as company.”
It was like all the air had been pulled from his lungs then pumped back in a second later. “I…Why?” He found himself struggling to get the word out.
“Why would I let something else tell me who I’m supposed to be? Why should I care for flowers when weeds fight so much harder to survive?” The way he pulled Neil close to his side wasn’t supposed to be comforting; it was supposed to be possessive and yet he took comfort in it all the same.
“It’s not been my soulmate in a long time. I’m not Nathaniel Wesninski anymore.” He hadn’t been. Not in a long time. Never again. “And Andrew Minyard means far more to Neil Josten than some fucking flower ever will.”
Andrew snorted again. “I hate you.” And then his lips collided with Neil’s like a tidal wave.
Months down the line, Nel catches sight of it. Ironically, the chrysanthemum is on the arm of a Fox fan who seems to be cheering them on with everything he could muster, entirely oblivious to the irony of it. He was conventionally attractive and would have probably looked perfect on Nathaniel’s arm. But to Neil…To Neil, he was nothing at all.
A smirk crossed his fate as he caught Andrew’s eye, the goalkeeper clearly having seen the same thing. The near feral grin he got in response said all it needed to say.
Fuck fate. Fuck soulmates. Neil Josten and Andrew Minyard decided their future and fuck anyone that tried to say they couldn’t do it together.