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Till grew up on love. He grew up on warm hugs, affectionate smiles, and sweet words. He cannot fathom a world without it. Therefore, he has a deep understanding of what love is.
He’s experienced it on different scales. With his mother, the growing love of family. With Sua, the growing love of friendship. With Mizi, the growing love of idolization. Each time he has known for it to be love and, in turn, he found he was loved back in different ways too.
Then there’s Ivan. Till doesn’t understand Ivan. Ivan, who is all stares and smug smiles. Ivan, who always steals his things and pesters him. Ivan, who is always there for him. Ivan, who is willing to drop anything for him. Ivan, who stares at him as if he is unreachable, but clings onto him as if he’ll disappear if he lets go.
It frustrated him to no end. There was a time where Till disliked Ivan before he slowly warmed up to the other constantly being in his space. Now, Till is back to being frustrated. Both at Ivan and himself.
His heart is warm around Ivan, the same warmth he has associated with love. At the same time, his heart clenches and twists in knots. Nausea builds in his gut and it feels he might vomit at any moment. This kind of love, Till doesn’t understand.
He thought that his love had reached its peak intensity when he had a crush on Mizi, but Ivan made him feel things he didn’t think were possible.
“Sua.”
“What?” Sua asks.
Both of them had been left alone with Mizi and Ivan busy being part of the Student Council.
“I think something is wrong with me.”
“There’s a lot of things wrong with you.”
Till scowled, “You know what I mean.”
Sua shrugged, “I don’t, actually.”
“I think I’m allergic to Ivan”
Till and Sua stared at each other for what seemed like eternity before Sua burst out laughing. Till glared, “I’m being serious!”
“You aren’t allergic to Ivan. You can’t be allergic to a whole person,” Sua says after calming down. “Why would you even think that?”
Till had a scowl back on his face, “He… He makes me feel things! Weird things!”
“Like what?” Sua asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Like I’m dying? I don’t know! I feel like throwing up around him and my heart feels like it’s trying to jump out of my chest…”
“You are actually an idiot.”
“Hey!”
Sua rolled her eyes, “You aren’t allergic to Ivan. You like him.”
“Be serious, Sua. I don’t like Ivan,” Till said with a scoff. “I would know if I did.”
Sua let out an unbelieving snort, “Why are you so sure you don’t like him anyway?”
“This wasn’t the same when I had a crush on Mizi…”
“Hm… Have you ever thought that maybe whatever crush you had on Mizi didn’t actually mean you like her romantically?”
Till is about to protest before his words get stuck in his throat. His mind is immediately reeling. He thinks about how he loved Mizi when he had a crush on her. There was no doubt that his heart would warm and that his cheeks would flush so much that he’d look like a tomato.
Mizi was everything Till thought love is, he realises. She embodies the warmth, cheer and affection that came with love. He had a crush on Mizi because she was familiar and a perfect representation of what he wants to be. He never got too close, never tried anything. Unlike with Ivan.
Mizi was an idol. A star that Till looked too when his inspiration drained, when he couldn’t look anywhere else, but Ivan… Ivan was there to hold Till close and reminded him to rest. Ivan was the one who he can find himself standing next to for the rest of his life.
Ivan is his wings. The ones that would wrap around him whenever he was too cold, the ones that would flutter desperately to make sure he comes back up from his falls, and the reason why, at some point, he thought he could reach the stars when he already had what he needed. He didn’t need the stars when he had wings that helped him live.
Till stared at Sua with a dumbfounded expression and Sua had a knowing smile on her face. She raised an eyebrow at Till.
“Holy shit,” he says, a bit breathless.
“Holy shit,” Sua agrees as a shit-eating grin forms on her face.
Till still doesn’t understand Ivan. Most times he doesn’t even understand why he feels the way he does around Ivan. Ivan is different, his love for Ivan is different . It should make him feel anxious and afraid, but instead it makes him feel relieved.
Suddenly, everything makes sense.
Maybe he doesn’t understand Ivan or his own feelings, but he knows that he loves Ivan. For now, that’s enough.