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Ivan is broken. He does not know how to love or be loved. He does not understand what it means. Although he has never lived a moment of his life knowing what it feels like to not be broken, he just knows.
He knows because he sees Mizi’s cheerful demeanor, the sparkle of emotion in Sua’s eyes, and then blush that adorns Till’s cheeks. He knows because he is all half-empty smiles, cold stares, and the remnants of what he thought love was.
It is not the warmth that his friends give each other but, rather, it is a cruel, selfish, parasite. He leeches off the attention he can get from Till, annoying him and pulling at his pigtails given the chance. He leeches of Mizi and Sua who he finds a semblance of comfort in in their unlikely friendship.
He sees the benefit from being near them but cannot grasp the idea that they see him as someone they want to be with rather than someone they need to be with.
Even now, in a world where they aren’t fighting for their lives and singing their hearts out on stage, he still doesn’t understand.
Even when the world should be warmer and he should be happier, he still finds he cannot be. He still falls into the same habits he had back then. The same habits around Till. Around Mizi and Sua.
He was broken . Often, he would look at himself in the mirror and question his mere existence. If his value before laid in the value given by the aliens, then what is his value now?
He stares for too long and sees all of his flaws. Resentment burns within him and— that — he knows what that is. He understands it perfectly. It’s the same resentment that caused him to be thrown to the ground, abused, and turned into a machine.
There was one time, however, where Ivan finally understood what love is. When bullets shot him and he bled for Till. He doesn’t know how to love correctly, but he knows how to love Till and that’s better than not being able to love at all.
Mizi, Sua, Till, and Ivan were in Sua’s room, having a sleepover. A movie is on in the background as Sua and Mizi put face masks on each other while Till watches, once and a while doodling on his phone.
Ivan’s head rests in his lap and he gazed at Till with a small smile. Till looked at him and scoffed, a slight flush on his cheeks, “Why are you looking at me like that?”
Ivan chuckled, “Nothing.”
Till scoffed again, rolling his eyes, “Weirdo…”
Ivan’s smile widened and he closed his eyes. It was moments like these, small, selfish moments, that Ivan cherished.
In this life, Till’s love is still the same. He had a crush on Mizi and Ivan is resigned to admiring from afar. However, in this world, Ivan knows that Till looks at him. Ivan, in turn, selfishly makes most of the moments Till’s gaze is on him by annoying the other further.
Ivan sits up from his position and Till let out a strained noise in protest, “Where are you going?”
Ivan smiled, “Why do you want to know?”
Till scowled, “Whatever. Nevermind. Annoying.”
Ivan chuckled, shaking his head, “I wasn’t going anywhere.”
“Then why did you sit up?”
“Did you want me to lay on your lap for the entire night.”
Silence. Flushed cheeks. A smug smile.
“Do you?” Ivan asks again, leaning his face closer to Till. A sense of deja vu hits him as he draws closer to Till like this and a wave of longing accompanies it.
Till looked away from him, letting out an annoyed huff before getting up and walking over to Sua and Mizi. Ivan laughed, watching the other walk away.
“Hey, Till, wait…” He says, getting up and joining the other three. He wraps an arm around Till’s shoulders and leans forward as he observed what skin care the girls were doing.
He glanced at Till, who had a scowl on his face. As he looks at the other he can’t help it when his heart skips a beat and he thinks that, maybe, he doesn’t understand love. Maybe he never will, but it’s okay.
He thinks that maybe he’ll forever be broken, cursed to repeat a cycle of not knowing what love is, but as he spends his time around his friends he can’t help but think that he does know what love is.
His heart beats in stuttering speeds as he leans into Till. His heart warms when he’s around Mizi. His heart beats in kinship around Sua.
Ivan is still broken. He does not understand love yet. He does not understand how to love or be loved yet but Ivan knows what love is. And he will never forget it— not without a fight.