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He makes it about 5 steps out of the closed door before a crash from behind the wall makes him stop. Tommy’s instinct is to turn around and gently ask Evan if everything’s okay, but that’s not his place anymore. He gave up that right a few minutes ago when he ended the best relationship he’s ever been in before it could turn sour. It’s almost physically painful, knowing Tommy can’t do anything about it, when Evan just threw something in his loft.
So many emotions, and Tommy hates that he’s the cause of them, that he hurt the other man so much. Evan’s not a violent person at all, so it’s a surprise, but breakups make you do stupid things.
Fear makes you do stupid things.
Tommy pauses, halfway to the elevator, heart hammering in his chest. He knows that he’s running, but he knows it’s the right thing to do. They’re still in the honeymoon stage, even 6 months in, and going from that to living together is just inviting a nightmare to happen. He’s been there, done that, and he can’t live through it with Evan, not when the man came to mean so much to him in such a short amount of time. He’s only protecting them both from heartbreak.
That defence is very weak when what he’s experiencing right now feels very much like heartbreak already.
He thinks about Evan’s face, eyes clouded with confusion in pain. He thinks about ‘Why be apart when we can be together.’ He thinks until his hands are shaking and tears are welling up in his eyes and it’s all a nightmare of Tommy’s making. Evan’s impulsive and he jumps head-first, but he’s honest and invested, and he never makes Tommy think their relationship is less. Truth be told, he can’t remember the last time he was treated so well, cherished almost. It’s stupid to think after only 6 months, but Tommy’s not about to lie to himself.
He loves Evan. So much for trying to protect himself, protect them. It’s already too late.
Tommy takes a deep breath and abruptly turns around before he can talk himself out of it, walking back to Evan’s door. It’s unlocked so he slowly inches it open, taking in the empty kitchen, lights still on, a shattered cup lying on the floor, having very clearly been thrown there. His heart aches.
Evan’s not in the loft, but he can see his silhouette on the balcony, arms braced on the railing, head hanging low. When Tommy walks closer, he notices the way Evan’s shoulders are trembling minutely, as if he’s trying desperately not to cry, and something in him breaks.
“Evan,” he whispers, but it still startles the other man. He straightens suddenly, but doesn’t turn to look at Tommy.
“I thought it was ‘Buck’,” Evan spits out. It’d sound harsher if his voice wasn’t already thick with tears.
Tommy walks closer, hovering over him, but doesn’t dare to touch. It’s not his right anymore, he can’t comfort the man over the hurt he caused. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
“I didn’t- It wasn’t like that,” he says weakly, aware he sounds downright stupid.
Evan’s scoff only confirms it. When he speaks, he sounds bitter, but underneath that, hurt is hiding, peeking out through the cracks. “You just walked out with ‘See you around, Buck.’,” he points out. “Like we’re just- Coworkers. Like you didn’t break my fucking heart.”
“Evan,” Tommy whispers, head reeling, everything around him spinning. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want your apologies,” Evan lies, still refusing to look at Tommy. “I know I’m- I know I’m a lot. And I know I’m not as, I dunno, experienced, like some other guys, but I thought- I was learning, you know? I thought you didn’t mind it.”
It’s heartbreaking on so many levels, and it’s entirely missing the point Tommy was trying to make, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.
“Oh, baby, no,” he breathes.
“Don’t call me that,” Evan snaps immediately, finally turning to look at him. His eyes are red-rimmed, only making the blue of them more devastating, and his face is just pure anguish. “You can’t just… Why are you here, Tommy? You already broke my heart, you don’t need to make sure I’m okay. I’m not thinking of doing anything stupid.”
Tommy takes a deep breath. Evan is lashing out because he’s angry and heartbroken, and he apparently loves Tommy and he somehow missed it. Or didn’t let himself see it, too worried about protecting his own heart, trying to keep the honeymoon phase going.
“Evan, look at me, please,” Tommy requests softly. The other man finally complies, breaking his heart even more with the tears running down his face. He aches to wipe them away, but he knows his touch won’t be welcome. “You’re perfect.” Evan snorts bitterly, but Tommy keeps going anyway, because he’s scared shitless but he has to do it scared. Evan deserves it. “I think you’re sweet and adorable, and I adore how jealous and petty you can get. I adore your research spirals, and random fun facts, and I- I really wanted to move in with you.”
“Then why?” The utter defeat and confusion of those words are too much for him to take, so he gently pulls Evan closer and buries his face in his shoulder when the other man clings back. Before he knows it, Tommy’s also crying, little sobs escaping his chest. He expected to go home and break down in the safety of his bedroom, but it’s better here, with Evan’s warm arms wrapped around him. “Talk to me, Tommy.”
“I’m so sorry, Evan,” Tommy whispers into his shoulder. “I got- I got scared and I panicked, and you deserve so much better-”
“I don’t care about that,” Evan interrupts him firmly. “Haven’t you realised yet? I just want you. Not some other imaginary men, not the woman in the restaurant, not Abby. Just you. And I know I’m a lot…”
“I like that you’re a lot,” Tommy says immediately. They pull away slightly, just so that he can look him in the eyes and cup his jaw in his hand, his heart skipping a beat when Evan leans into the touch. “I love you just how you are.” Evan’s breathing hitches, fresh tears running down his face, and Tommy aches in sympathy. “Baby…”
“Say it again.”
“I love you, Evan. I’m so sorry.”
Evan nods, pulling Tommy close again, pressing their bodies together. “I’m really angry. You hurt me, Tommy.”
“I know.” There’s nothing else to say. Tommy can slide to his knees and beg for forgiveness, but this isn’t what Evan needs, and it’s not what should happen. Everything is so tender and delicate, and Evan feels so solid in his arms, warm and comfortable. When Tommy closes his eyes, he can almost pretend the last 20 minutes haven’t happened.
“I need- Explain it to me. Your thoughts.”
It’s not an easy request, but a fair one - Evan deserves an explanation, and Tommy deserves to have it all out, letting the man decide if he wants to stay anyway. Because he knows now, with surety settling in his bones, that there’s no way for Tommy to simply walk away from Evan. He loves this man, and he knows he can love him more if given half a chance, and it’s one of the scariest moments of his life, but Tommy refuses to be a coward. He had been brave so many times in his life, he can do it again.
Do it scared.
They pull away but just so that Tommy can rest his head on Evan’s shoulder comfortably, the other man’s arms still around him, like he can’t bear to be apart. Tommy sympathises, and it’s easier to speak when he’s not looking at him.
“I didn’t have the best experience after coming out,” he starts. “There was Nathan, then Mark, then Aaron, and it was just one bad thing after another. Not all of it, of course, but I- Jace was newly out, still figuring himself out, and I fell for him anyway. We were planning on finding a place together, and I thought everything was fine, but he started to pull away. Suddenly he knew himself more, and he started to explore the queer world of LA, and- Compared to the general queer population, I’m really nothing special. Damaged goods, if you will.” Tommy tries to joke, but Evan’s arms just tighten around him, a kiss pressed to his temple. He wants to hate how he’s being comforted when he just broke up with the man, but instead, he just feels warm. “He left me without a word and I had to handle the new lease, everything on my own. It wasn’t… I still hate that house, but I just never did anything about it.”
“I’m sorry, Tommy,” Evan murmurs against his ear. Tommy startles.
“No, it’s-”
“It’s not fine,” Evan insists. “You got treated terribly, and I’m so sorry you got hurt so much. You didn’t deserve it.”
“It’s not an excuse to hurt you because of it,” Tommy says because he’s always been big on self-responsibility.
“It’s not,” the other man agrees. “But you’re just human, and you got scared. It’s not okay, but I understand. Just…promise me you won’t do it again? I know what I want, Tommy, and what you said- It’s like I have to hook up with a few more men to be sure. It’s demeaning.”
Tommy closes his eyes and nods, feeling the weight of his words settle on his shoulders. It wasn’t what he meant, but he could see why Evan interpreted them that way, and it only highlights how he needs to watch his words more. He never wanted to invalidate Evan or his feelings, but it’s strange to think that Tommy could be enough for Evan to know. Because there are so many wonderful men out there, and Tommy knows Evan deserves more.
Only he wants Tommy.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I’m so sorry, baby, I know it must’ve been awful.”
Evan laughs wetly, hiding his face in Tommy’s neck. Tommy gathers him even closer, feeling those little broken pieces of himself slot together - not healed or sealed over, but not rubbing the edges together anymore, hurting a bit less. They’re both a mess, struggling with their insecurities and Tommy really needs to stop running, but there’s love here. It’s hard to believe, but it’s there.
“It wasn’t great,” Evan admits. “But you came back, before I even had a chance to chase after you?”
“You’d chase after me?”
“Tommy, I love you,” the other man says, like it’s obvious. When their gazes meet, Evan just looks fond, sadness clinging to the edges. “I let go…a lot of people. Got left behind, yeah, but I never really fought for a relationship. You’re worth it.”
He’s choked up for a second by the weight of that confession, and this time, Tommy can’t help himself. He cups Evan’s face and pulls him into a kiss, both of them sinking into it as soon as their mouths meet. Evan’s arms wrap around his waist, pulling Tommy even closer, and they slot together so perfectly. It’s so terrifying, giving Evan his heart, his vulnerabilities slowly bared to the other man, but Evan’s hands are strong and capable, and he has more love to give than anyone else Tommy knows.
“Stay the night?” Evan asks when they pull away. He’s gorgeous under the balcony lights, curly hair and red eyes, tear tracks on his face. Tommy brushes them away tenderly, smiling. “Just to sleep.”
“That sounds perfect, Evan,” he says warmly.
They don’t separate as they make their way up the stairs, their hands linked, and Tommy actually laughs when Evan tugs at him, making him stumble right into his arms. They had plans to go to a movie, but that doesn’t matter anymore when Evan kisses him with so much care and affection, so much love.
“I love you,” Tommy murmurs against his lips, smiling when he feels Evan shiver.
“Hmm, say it again.”
“I love you, Evan.” A pleased little sigh is his response and Evan’s eyes are still bloodshot but shining now. Exhaustion is pulling at every inch of his body, but Evan’s so beautiful, right in his arms, giving Tommy a chance. “Wait, are we dating again?”
Evan stares at him for a second before bursting out laughing, throwing his head back. Tommy just miles.
“Under one condition.”
“Name it.” There’s pretty much nothing Tommy won’t do for him, and after everything he’s put them through, he more than deserves it-
“Never call me ‘Buck’ again.” Tommy shakes his head with a laugh, tension leaking out of him. “I’m serious, you call me that again and you’re sleeping on the couch.”
“No, not the couch!”
“Oh, come on, it’s comfortable now.”
The banter is easy and comfortable, both of them relaxing into the moment as they change into sleeping clothes. Tommy shamelessly steals one of Evan’s shirts, sighing when the scent of his boyfriend envelops him completely. It only gets better when the man pulls him into the bed, tangling their limbs together and pressing his face against Tommy’s neck, ensuring they’re completely stuck together. It’s everything he’s ever wanted, and there’s nowhere he’d rather be.
“Hey, Tommy? I’m really glad you came back,” Evan mutters against his neck.
Tommy stares up at the ceiling, this wonderful man in his arms, and thinks about how he almost threw all that away. Things aren’t perfect; there’s still so much they have to talk about, and Tommy’s sure this whole mess affected Evan more than he’s admitting to now, but they’re on their way back, stronger than before. Tommy knows Evan won’t let him go so easily.
“I think you’re it for me,” he says eventually, almost lightheaded with how scared he is. “And I think I’d rather be together than apart.”
Evan hums, pressing a small kiss to his neck. “I love you.”
“Love you too,” Tommy says immediately. The weight of the words settles over him like a warm blanket and he buries his face in Evan’s curls. “Go to sleep, baby, I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“You better,” Evan mumbles grumpily. “Don’t want to chase you around LA in the morning.”
Tommy shakes his head with a laugh. Somehow, in one night, he almost ruined the best relationship of his life and then got it back. Somehow, he has everything he’s been scared to want his whole life, and it’s terrifying, but so worth it.
They’re going to be okay. Together.