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You were in trouble. Valentine's Day was around the corner and you have no fucking clue what to get Karkat. You weren't even sure if you were supposed to give him something now that you both had a kid. Is Valentines still open for two dudes who weren't married and had a child? Who the fuck knows.
You had been half assing your gifts these few years and you think you deserve Karkat a well thought out gift this year. But what the hell counted as a good gift?
"Dude I have no fucking clue what to do." You said as you kicked John's ass in another round of Halo.
"For what?" John said a he frowned at the television.
"V-day, I'm not sure what to give Karkat. I've been giving him pretty stupid gifts these years, I'm pretty sure he doesn't mind. He's probably happy that even remember in the first place but I think I owe it to him. What are you going to do?"
"No clue," he shrugs and sets the control down, pausing the game. He leans back on his arms and stretches his neck, "I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to give her anything. I mean, do kismesis give out gifts?"
"Hell if I know, why don't you ask one of the trolls?" You mutter.
"Do trolls even celebrate Valentine's? I mean, wasn't their planet all "war and conquers" all the time?"
"I mean yeah but trolls who grew up on this new planet aren't like that, they have different perspectives."
"OK, I guess you're right. I'll ask someone at school tomorrow."
You both go back to playing and stop discussing the subject but you're still thinking of something to do for Karkat.
You leave John's after an hour of completely wrecking his shit in video games and stuffing your face with Doritos and Coke.
You drive up to Nepeta's place to pick up Daniel; she's been giving Daniel classes, sort of like preschool. Kanaya and Rose insisted even after you told them you didn't see the point, he'd forget it all after he de-aged again. You even asked Karkat to back you up. He had pressed his lips in a thin line and told you that it was alright, that you should let it happen while it lasted.
He comes running out of her house er- hive towards the car when you honk. You walk out and kneel down to pick him up. Nepeta comes running out holding a decorated box with a ton of glitter and little heart-shaped cut outs.
“Yo, lil’ dude what you there?” He shoves a piece of paper in your face. It seems to be some sort of list.
“Dave, Danny was fury busy making all of these valentines day cards. I really hope you delifur them all befure the fourteen!” Nepeta shoves the box in your other hand and you raise and eyebrow at her.
“Alright, Nep. I’ll see to it that they get delivered.”
Great! Well I'll see you later, Dan. Thank you fury much fur my card and my candy. I hope you like your cookies.” She smiles widely at Daniel and he smiles back at her.
“Goodbye, miss Leijon.”
“Later, Nep. Thanks for everything.” You nod at her as you place Daniel in his seat in the back of the car.
You a welcome, Dave. Say meow to Karkat fur me. I hope you both have a great v-day. I bet you have something fury special pawlanned out.” She waves goodbye and you groan. You have nothing planned out.
You drive away from Nepeta’s place an look at the list Daniel handed to you. It’s a list of people Daniel wants to give gifts to. Rose and Kanaya, Roxy, Jade, Dirk and Jake, John, Terezi and Karkat. Your kid has already figured out what to give everyone and you can’t think of a goddamn single thing.
You remember your past valentines with Karkat and you want to mentally slap yourself. They’ve been so bad and it was literally always your fault; the time you both ended up gifting each other the same goddamn movie. Honestly, it was strange enough that you both actually liked the same movie so it was even stranger that you both decided to gift yourself the film.
That year Karkat made you cupcakes and you shoved them down your mouth before even checking to see what flavor they were. They were chocolate. You are allergic to chocolate. You both spent the night in the hospital. Oh god and the time you made, or well, tried to make Karkat dinner and you practically burned your kitchen down.
Wow, Karkat was right, you sucked at romance.
“Yo, lil man. Wanna deliver your cards to Dirk and Jake first? I think aun Roxy might still be with them.” You look in the rear view mirror at Daniel who’s sipping his juice.
“Yes dad, uncle dirky said he was gonna buy me candy.”
“No chocolate.” You remind him and he pouts.
“Can’t have you dying on me twice, dude.”
“I have not died one single time, dad!” He balls his little fists and frowns. He growls when you laugh.
_____________________________________________________________
“Dave, how good to see you! And Daniel, how have you been champ?” Jake kneels to give Daniel a hug.
“Sup, Jake. We’re here to deliver the goods.” You say as you hold a bag full of v-day’s gifts.
“Alrighty, buckoo! Come on in, Dirk is watching television and Roxy is trying to cook.” He puts emphasize on the “try” and grimaces.
“Say bye to your kitchen, Jake.” You say as Daniel pulls you inside.
“Please don’t remind me, I might get my headache again.
“Uncle Dirky! Pony show!” Daniel runs towards Dirk and jumps on the couch next to him.
“Yo, pip squeak. Pony show hasn’t started yet but we can watch this weird cat looking thing chase that mouse dude.” Dirk points at the show on the tv and gives it a confused expression.
“That is a good show! It is called “The one where the meowbeast has multiple encounters with a squeaker and fails again and again to cull the squeaker while going through a series of comical situations and ending in frustrated attempts of cullings.” Daniel recites the title of the Alternian version of Tom and Jerry. Dirk is staring at him. His mouth is in a line. He looks up at you ad points at Daniel.
“This is your child. Are you proud, David?”
“Yeah bro. Don’t call me David, Deidrick.”
“Hahaha! I adore your name Dirk, it’s absolutely precious!” Roxy saunters out of the kitchen holding some sort of dish full of some brown goop.
“Yes, rolal. It's quite precious,” Dirk deadpans, “what in the name of all that is puppets are you holding?”
“Chicken casserole?”
“Are you asking us or telling us?” You quirk an eyebrow at her and Jake face-palms.
“No offense, Roxy but I think it might be best to order out tonight.” Jake stares at the dish like it's about to get up and attack him.
“Yo, family. My kids gotta deliver more cards so I'd appreciate it if you get on with your whole valentine's exchanging ceremony or whatever the fuck ever. We’ve got a tight schedule and Roxy is the first of many dames on Dan’s list. Gotta keep tabs on his other ladies, you know how it is. Or well, not you two but Roxy does. She's the only one who actually has a lady in this house…”
“Oh my god, baby Dan! You got me a present for v-day? Adorable!” Daniel hops off the couch and runs to you. You hand him the bag and he searches through it.
“Aunt Roxy, I made you this!” He walks over to Roxy and pulls out a card in the form of a cat and she squeals.
“You precious thing! Holy fuck, a cat.” She leans down and kisses his cheek leaving a black kiss mark. Daniel blushes.
“Here, I got you this!” She pops a crab cookie out of her sylladex.
“Uncle Jakey, I drew a picture of your island. Aunt Jade showed me a picture!” He pulls out a drawing of what seems like Jade’s island or the pictures you've seen of it. Jake picks Dan up and hugs him tightly.
“I must say, ol’ boy this is splendid indeed. The bee's knees! You're as talented as your dad. Now let me show you what I got you!” He Daniel down and pulls out a box of crayons with 500 colors. Daniel hugs Jake's leg.
“Uncle Dirk is last.”
“Best for last, squirt.” He pays Daniels head and smirks at him.
“I made you this unicorn puppet!” He takes out a sock puppet with a horn sewed on the top. Dirk laughs. Like, he actually laughs. Not one of his sarcastic snorts but an actual laugh. He fist bumps Daniel and hands him a pony shaped pillow.
“Sewed it last week, kiddo.” Daniel paps his cheek and hugs the fuck out of the plush.
“Alright, now that the magical exchange of love and family has been spread between everyone, we gotta head out. More love to be spread.” Daniel rushes to give everyone goodbye hugs and hops to your side.
“Goodbye nerd bros.” You give them a two finger salute. Jake and Roxy wave goodbye. Dirk flips you off. You fucking love your brother.
______________________________________________________
“Hey bug, we’re going to see John and Jade next OK? We’ll go see Terezi after. Rose and Kanaya are last.” He chirps at you and you whistle a small response. Karkat taught you that. Since you can't chirp back at him, he figured that this way you'd at least be able to respond.
You arrive at John’s and walk down his front lawn keeping an eye out for Jade’s new fucking monster dog.
“Dad can we see aunt Jade’s barkbeast? He gives me kisses.” He's sitting on your shoulders and he leans down to pap your cheek to get your attention.
“Uh sure, Dan. She probably let him go outside to run… probably to go hunt bears.” You mutter the last part to yourself. It's not like you're afraid of the huge beast, he's just well, fucking huge.
You knock on John’s door instead of using the doorbell. You know it squirts water because your best friend is a child.
You wait outside for a few minutes and knock again. This time you hear grunts and like someone knocks something over before the door swings open.
“Hello, Dave! Cherry pop you're here too!” Terezi grins at you and you raise an eyebrow.
“Yo, Rezi. What the hell you doing here? More importantly what the fuck did you drop over there?”
“Look Terezi, this is my goddamn house! You can't just answer the door- Hey Dave!” John lifts himself from the floor.
“Well now the mystery solved. John was the “something” I heard being knocked down. Great job, Dave you solved another crime. You're like goddamn Sherlock Holmes up in this bitch.”
“Oh yeah, heh. Sort of fell down.” John runs the back of his neck and smiles.
“I pushed you down.” Terezi grins.
“Shut the hell up. Anyway! What's up Dave? Hey, little Daniel! Haven't seen you since New Years.”
“You ate my cookies.” Daniel frowns.
“Oh.. Uh. I'm sorry?” Terezi whacks him with her cane.
“You are such a wiggler.”
“Rezi, got something for you.” Daniel leans towards her and she opens her arms for him. You hand him over to him and she takes a sniff at him.
“Yum, cherry syrup with a dash of lemon zest!” You rub the bridge of your nose. Why are you friends with these people?
“Don't be gross, why do you have to smell him?” John groans. She licks your kids cheek in response.
“Alright, please stop hitting on my son and hate flirting with John at the same time. It's weird.” You take Daniel back in you arms and he giggles.
“John, Rezi! I have Valentine's Day stuff!” Daniel wiggles out of your arms and starts to look in his bag.
“Oooh presents! Let me see.” Terezi pulls Daniel inside and John starts to bicker with her.
“I'm surrounded by idiots.” You groan before walking inside behind them.
Daniel and Terezi are sitting cross legged on the floor. John is sitting on the couch's arm rest sticking his tongue at Terezi who keeps flipping him off.
“Dave! Oh my god am I glad to see someone other than these two asshats!” Jade walks over and give you a hug.
“Sup, Harley. How have things been?”
“Full of denial and hate fucks.” She rolls her eyes and you snort.
“Aunt Jade! I have something for you too!” Dan calls out to her and she smiles at him.
“Come on Jade, I want to see what he got us!” Terezi waves her hand around in the wrong direction. John face-palms and moves her hand in the right direction.
“Terezi I was going to give you a card but um, you can't…” Daniel blushes as Terezi paps his cheek.
“It’s OK cherry pop, anything colorful you give me is great!” She smiles at him and Dan beams.
“I cut out this heart shape and colored it with my red chalk. I also got you a box of only red chalks.” He hands her the gifts and her grin widens. How the fuck does that not hurt her face? Your own face is hurting just looking at her.
“Oh my gosh, he’s giving us valentine's day gifts? So cute!” Jade says at your side and you huff.
“Wow, grumpy much? I take it you’re not a fan of all the love day?” She says as you both watch Terezi tackle-hug your kid. She begins to leave tiny kisses on his forehead as he giggles.
“It’s not that. I mean yeah, the whole fuckin’ concept of the day is goddamn stupid. Man, the origins are fuckin’ horrible. Investigate that shit, you’ll be stunned to know that this happy-go-lucky day revolves around some shady shit, Jade. But enough about bloody murders soiling our precious human holidays.” You wave your hand dismissively and Jade raises an eyebrow at you.
“Well Dave, it sounds to me that you’ve got a love problem!”
“It’s not a love problem. More like, holy shit I have no clue what to give someone whom I’ve been with five years, died and came back from the dead for, literally spent three years with on a goddamn asteroid and most recently have an ecto-child with. What do you even give this person, your fuckin’ soul?” You cross your arms and sigh. Jade smiles and pats your shoulder.
“You know Dave, I’m sure Karkat would be happy with anything you make him. He’s a romcom loving guy, I’m sure that as long as you don’t make him sick again with your atrocious food, it’ll be fine.” She smiles sweetly and you frown at her.
“I forgot that one time... “ That one time you made him dinner and forgot trolls can’t digest seaweed and you fuckin’ landed your boyfriend in the hospital. Classic Dave.
“John, John I made this clay hammer for you and got you this treat tube filled with surprises!” He wriggles out of Terezi’s grasp and runs over to John’s side. He hands him the little clay weapon and a cake pop.
“Heck yeah, dude this is incredible! Oh no, cake. Well, I guess this technically isn’t cake so I’ll just try a bit…” When he pushes the bottom of the cake dispenser, it pops open and instead of cake, handfuls of glitter come out.
“Um… Happy valentines day?” Daniel smiles sheepishly at John who has the biggest poker face you’ve ever seen on the guy. You snort when he sneezes. Terezi begins to howl with laughter on the floor as well as Jade who’s laughing so hard she’s gripping her sides. John starts to sneeze and laugh at the same time and it’s just a fit of shits n giggles all up in this bitch.
“That was a great gift, Daniel! Thank you for covering me in all this glitter, heh.”
_____________________________________________________________
You’re driving back to your building. Through your rear view mirror you see Dan playing with his new stuffed scalemate and an iguana consort plush. Jade and Terezi had stitched them up for Dan since last week. Apparently Terezi was a fan of “redrom day” because of all the red. John gave him a slice of vanilla cake with a funny looking heart on it. You’re pretty sure he didn’t bake it.
You end up at Rose’s apartment with a sleepy Daniel on your shoulders. He manages to give them their cards and with a tiny blush, he gives Kanaya a rose. She smiles sweetly at him and gives him a kiss on the cheek leaving a bright jade kiss mark on his cheek.
They both give you some candies for him when he falls asleep and you give them your thanks.
Well, your duty as the fucking infant in diapers is done. Your kid has successfully wooed Kanaya with his expert romance skills. Shit man, he’s a small dude and he’s already managed to give his tiny kid crush a romantic gift. Fuckin’ need to step your game up.
You walk into your apartment with Daniel clinging to your neck. His little back pack is thrown over your shoulder and your shades are on his face. Your holding the bag with his gifts and sweets in your other hand, you're barely gripping the stuffed animals but you manage. When the hell did you turn into this domestic god?
“You better have everything I asked or I’m going to send you right out the door.” Karkat calls from the living room. You groan. Shit, you never even noticed he texted you. Fuck you’re sort of tired and kind of wanted to get started on his gift…
“Man, Karkat I completely spaced the hell out. Out of this world, not a clue what you even asked me for and I’m not gonna lie, babe. I lack the desire to go back out today.” You manage to toss your keys in the key bowl and you drag your feet as you walk into the living room.
He’s sitting on the couch curled up and reading one of his new trashy novels. He gives you a concerned look as you extend your arms and let everything fall to the carpeted floor.
“Busy day?” He asks as he lifts himself up and takes Daniel from your arms.
“No, I’m fine. Everything’s fine.” You flop onto the couch and slide into a hunched up position.
“Uh-huh. Did I miss the memo where redrom day turned into 12th perigees?” He walks towards Daniels room and you sigh.
“I just think everyone wanted to give him something… be nice ya know? Valentine’s day isn’t only about matesprits babe. Family, friends and all that bullshit… Just spread the love and be goddamn happy.” You murmur.
You feel the couch dip on one side as he settles at your side. When did you close your eyes? You shift so that your head is in his lap and you let yourself relax. You feel his fingers card through your hair and as easy as this, you fall asleep.
__________________________________________________________
Redrom day was coming up and you had no one fucking clue as to what to get your matesprit. You knew you also needed to get your wriggler something but he was much easier.
You were usually better at this then Dave, the whole romantic gift ideas came better to you than they did to him but this year you had no idea what you could get him. Ever since last years big flop of getting him the exact movie he got you, you’ve been kind of dreading the idea of gifts. You couldn’t get him a normal sort of gift, that was for wriggling days and 12th perigees. No, you needed to get him something nice.
Maybe going out to eat? It was extremely cliche but it was the thought that counted, right? You could take Daniel with you to eat and then ask Jade to babysit him so you could both go to the movies. Something simple. Maybe you could get him a supply of apple juice… Yeah that would work.
Funny enough, when you asked Dave what his favorite meal was, he immediately said something like fast food. You had played it off and told him you might as well take him to Chuck E. Cheese, the human pizza place filled with games and strange animal animatronics that creeped the fuck out of you, when both Daniel and Dave turned to you with wide eyes and smiles.
Really? Chuck E. Cheese. You were going to spend your redrom day in a wrigglers food
block all because Dave was a huge grub who would never pass out the opportunity to play lousy games to win lousy prizes and stuff his protein chute with pizza. You also decided to buy tickets to a new human super hero movie, those kind that Dave says he ironically likes but you know he secretly loves.
You, Karkat Vantas, are one romantic troll.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Holy shit Karkat has been the best ever today.
He takes you and Dan to eat at goddamn Chuck E. Cheese. Daniel fucking split once he was stamped and given tokens to. OK fine, so did you. You take his hand and look him in the eyes silently asking him to let you go win a billion tickets on skeeball. He rolls his eyes but gives you a kiss. You smile and dash to go push little kids away from the skeeball machine.
Needless to say, you win a bunch of tickets. You decide to get a cool dinosaur figurine, some pixie sticks, erasers and a small harmonica. You’re about to leave the prize counter and give Daniel your remaining tickets when you see the one perfect thing for Karkat. So of course shove your tickets at the confused teen troll attending you.
You walk back to your table and see Karkat shoving Daniels ticket into a plastic bag. Somehow your kid managed to win the jackpot for the cyclone game. How the hell did he even manage that? You notice Karkat has ordered two large pizzas.
“I love you.” You say giving him a noisy kiss.
“We’re in a goddamn restaurant full of grubs, keep your hands to yourself!” He sputters, his face tinged with pink.
“OK, fine. But I love you, I love you for this pizza, for my token money and for later taking me to watch a movie.” You kiss his hand like the romance expert you are. Karkat presses his lips into a line trying to suppress a kiss.
“You’re such a fucking idiot…” He murmurs but you know you’ve actually made him happy.
Your meal is nice, more than nice because holy shit man, pizza. Daniel manages to win enough tickets for a dart gun, some bubbles and another teddy bear. He decides to give it to Karkat. He smiles at him and gives him a hug. Your heart clenches at the sight of them smiling at each other. Yeah, you feel completely stupid but hey, it’s not like you’ve ever been able to actually appreciate what it’s like to have a family.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
When you come back home after the movie, Daniel is sleeping already. Jade gives you both hugs and says her goodbyes.
“Best movie, ten out of ten would recommend. Thank you for getting tickets babe. You’re great.” You give him a gentle kiss, nothing too heavy.
“You’re welcome. I hope you finally admit you like these strange action-based human hero movies.” He says with a smile.
“I love them ironically, babe.”
“I’m sure you do, Dave. So ironic” he teases as he kisses you back.
He goes into the kitchen to get you both some coffee like he always does when you come back from a date. You decide it’s a good moment to pull out your gifts.
“Hey Dave, I honestly don’t know what to add to your coffee so I just added everything. Like always.” He smirks as he comes out of the kitchen.
You’re sitting on the couch moving your hands nervously. You’re suddenly not so sure of your gifts. Karkat seemed to really think about your interests when he took you on that date. You just kind of worked with what you’ve gathered from living with him for five years…
“Dave? What’s wrong, you’re sweating a bit.” He says as he sits beside you.
“Course I’m not, I’m fine. More than fine, I’m cool. Ice cold over here…” You pull out the wrapped presents and hand them to him. “So… I tried to get you something significant this year because all my previous gifts have sucked.” You tell him as he takes the gifts.
He’s silent as he unwraps the paper with extreme delicacy. You don’t understand why he does this but he’s always very careful when unwrapping things. He pulls out a photo album, a sweater, some sheet music and an old novel. You keep your other present in your pocket.
“Look I know it’s not much but they mean something to me,” You tell him as he examines each article, “The photo album is filled with some candid photos I’ve taken of everyone we know. Friends, family… Dan. I just wanted us to have some memories.” He flips slowly through the album and he smiles at certain pictures so you decide to continue, “I can’t actually knit so I asked Rose to help me with a knitted sweater. It’s like the old one you used to wear, it’s even got your symbol on it,” He smooths his finger over the cancer sign on the dark sweater, “Um… the sheet music is a song I’ve written for you. I sort of haven’t been able to record it which is why I decided to give you the sheet music.” He reads over the lyrics and smiles as he recites them under his breath, “So uh, the final item. The novel, it’s one of mine. I’ve had it since I was a kid living in Texas. The original one, before my plant… It’s a human classic, I was assigned to read it for school and I actually seemed to like it. Not that I’d ever tell anyone. You might have already seen the movie but the book is always better.” You murmur while you look down to the floor while fumbling with your other gift.
“Pride and prejudice? Of course I have.” You look up to see his eyes and he’s grinning.
“So you like it? All of the gifts, I mean. Even my old fucked up book?”
“Yes, Dave. I love them. You’ve never given so much thought into my gifts.” He launches himself to you and hugs you by the neck. You kiss his cheek and wrap you own arms around his waist.
“I just have one more gift,” You say pulling away and pulling your last gift out of your pocket, “So I was thinking…”
“Dave, please tell me that’s not an engagement ring.” He frowns at you and you face-palm.
“Jesus Karkat, I’m not a fucking unromantic asshole! If I was actually going to propose to you I’d actually make a huge fucking effort!” You roll your eyes behind your shades and he visibly relaxes. At least you know neither of you are ready to tie the knot.
“OK, fine romance extraordinaire, tell me what it is.” He fold his hands in front of himself and you pull out a plastic little container.
“Yeah so since we’re both not actually ready to get married, I thought I’d at least give you something to commemorate our years together,” you take his hand and slide a plastic red ring with a little crab, “For all the years you’ve put up with my shit, helped me deal out my problems and stayed with me even after I died and came back.” You tell him. He keeps looking at the ring and you start to feel stupid. “Karkat?”
“I-It’s…” He chokes up and you see red tears spill from his eyes. Oh great you made him cry. You are a genius. You fucked up, goddam- He kisses you passionately and you feel him smile against your lips. He peppers your face with kisses and hugs your waist tightly.
“So I’m guessing you liked it?” you smile shyly.
“You’re such a sappy asshole.” He laughs.
You can’t even remember why you were worried in the first place, you are a goddamn expert on romantic ideas.