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While Kazuma was glad to have his memories back, it also made some things much harder—above all else, his relationship with Barok. He could tell his mentor was trying his best to be kind and understanding, but the thought that this was a result of his guilt brought little comfort to Kazuma.
When they first met, despite all the initial problems they faced, at least their relationship was their own. Kazuma was Barok’s nameless apprentice, and the bond they forged in that short time was, if anything, a sincere one, resulted from their efforts to understand each other better.
But now, that change became apparent in the slightest gestures. Like that day, when Barok stood from his chair, approaching Kazuma’s desk with some papers in hand.
“Asogi.”
Kazuma never thought hearing his own name could be painful. But the way Barok said it sounded even more distant than when he still called him apprentice. With time, there came to be a hint of affection in that word, which couldn’t be found in his name.
Yet, he didn’t let those thoughts show on his face, looking at Barok, speaking in a calm voice.
“Yes, my lord?”
Barok spoke in that calm, professional tone, and Kazuma answered in a similar way. He was a good mentor, Kazuma couldn’t deny it… Strict but fair, and always willing to help him whenever he needed it. Barok had been like that since before Kazuma recovered his memories… The main difference was that, now, whatever warmth he once felt between them was gone.
And he noticed it the most clearly whenever Barok spoke his name.
When you look at me, do you see a person or an instrument for your redemption?
Is it me you are so afraid of losing, or is it your last chance of earning his forgiveness?
When you say my name, do you truly think of me?
Do I even want to know...?
Those questions kept circling in Kazuma’s head whenever he had nothing else to focus on. He knew it was his fault things had turned out that way, but, despite the regrets, he couldn’t ignore how he felt: he loved that man. He had loved him since those days when he had no memory of his past. He loved him more each day they spent together.
He would never say it to Barok, though… Nothing good would come from doing so.
When their working day came to an end, both men left the office together. As soon as they stepped outside, however, Kazuma noticed a movement close to them. He glanced to the side, seeing a shadow with something glistening in its hands.
“Barok!”
But there wasn’t enough time for Barok to react. Kazuma instinctively jumped in front of that blade, overcome by a sharp pain as it buried into his torso. His attacker stared at him, wide-eyed, then pulled the knife back. Blood spilled from that wound, making Kazuma’s vision go dark for a moment.
Seeming unsure of what to do now that his surprise attack had failed, the man held the knife high in the air. Before he could even think of using it again, Kazuma grabbed his arm, staring into his eyes.
“You’re not touching him.”
Despite the pain, his voice sounded strong, unwavering. The man widened his eyes in terror, pulling his hand away, then fled, calling him a demon.
The moment his body relaxed, it also lost whatever strength it still had. Kazuma’s legs faltered, and he would have fallen to the ground if Barok hadn’t held him in his arms.
“Asogi…!”
Kazuma brought a hand to his injury, feeling the hot blood pour from it.
“It hurts...”
His voice, so strong moments before, now was as thin as a thread.
“Don’t worry...” said Barok. “Everything will be fine.”
Then, he raised Kazuma in his arms. The movement made his wound sting, and Kazuma couldn’t hold back a pained groan.
“It’s alright…” There was a hint of panic behind Barok’s apparent calmness. “I won’t let anything happen to you… Just stay with me.”
Ah, of course… He would feel responsible for this, as well. Kazuma opened his mouth, murmuring to Barok, who looked at him.
“What did you say?” asked Barok.
Kazuma gathered whatever strength he had left to raise his hand, lightly touching Barok’s cheek with it.
“You don’t owe us anything,” he muttered.
Barok stared at him. “What do you mean…?”
But Kazuma couldn’t answer, even if he wanted to. His mind started to fade to black, alongside all of his senses. He could still hear Barok’s voice, but it sounded so far, far away…
“Kazuma… Stay with me!”
At least in that moment he was not just Asogi to him…
“Kazuma!”
Oh, God… Why did that make him so happy?
When Kazuma opened his eyes again, he was in a hospital bed. It took him a moment to realize there was someone by his side: Barok, with his eyes closed as in a prayer, holding his hand tightly, as if trying to keep him there.
“Lord van Zieks…”
That made Barok open his eyes, looking at him.
“Kazuma…!” He leaned in Kazuma’s direction. “How are you feeling?”
He didn’t answer immediately. His body felt heavy, and his mind was cloudy, which was probably a result of the medication. He wasn’t in pain, though, which was a good thing.
“I… I’m fine, I think.”
Barok sighed, relieved. “Thank God…” He paused, looking at Kazuma for a while. “I thought you would not make it.”
His concern made Kazuma’s heart sting. “I’m sorry.”
“There is no need to apologize.”
Barok raised his hand, lightly touching his head, and Kazuma closed his eyes under that warm feeling. Soon, however, Barok moved his hand away; Kazuma couldn’t hold back a small, disappointed grunt. Barok didn’t seem to notice it, though, his expression soon becoming grave.
“Do you remember what you said on the way here?” he asked.
Kazuma averted his gaze. “I do.”
“What did you mean by it?”
How should he even explain it? Was there even a proper way to do so?
“I thought I was going to die,” said Kazuma. “And you would blame yourself for it.”
“Of course I would… You are not supposed to risk your life for my sake.”
“That’s exactly what I didn’t want.”
Barok looked at him, his eyes carrying an unreadable emotion. Kazuma couldn’t look at them for long.
“You do not understand…” said Barok. “I have no idea what I would do if I lost you… An injury would be nothing in comparison.”
Those words brought a bittersweet feeling to Kazuma’s chest. There was guilt in his voice… The same guilt that accompanied all their interactions since the end of that trial. Kazuma tried not to think about it, but at that moment, it was something he couldn’t ignore.
“Lord van Zieks… Can you tell me one thing?”
“What is it?”
Kazuma hesitated for just a moment, the words tasting bitter on his tongue as he finally asked that question. “Is it because I am his son?”
Barok observed him, seeming confused. “What do you mean?”
“Is that the reason why you care so much about me?”
That question was followed by a long silence. Kazuma’s heart pounded painfully, enough for him to regret his words. Barok looked away, thinking before finally answering.
“In part, I suppose.”
That answer hurt. “I see.”
“However,” Barok continued, “it is mostly because it is you, Kazuma. I can no longer imagine a life without you.” He paused, continuing in a lower voice. “And I believe this would be true were you to carry any other name.”
Kazuma looked at him. He had to repeat those words a few times in his mind to finally grasp their meaning—and then, a wave of relief overcame him. He didn’t say a word, though… If he tried to say anything, he wouldn’t be able to hold those feelings back any longer.
Barok lightly touched his face, and it was enough to shatter his facade. He grabbed Barok’s hand, holding it against his cheek as low sobs left his lips.
And it all came out, like a torrent of feelings he had been suppressing for so long. His fears, his insecurities—and, above all else, his love for Barok. He told him again and again, unable to stop himself. Barok didn’t respond, but the way he held Kazuma close was incredibly gentle and careful, as if he was something precious to him.
A long time passed like that, until Kazuma finally managed to calm down.
“How are you feeling?” asked Barok.
“I’m fine.”
“I apologize for causing you so much pain.”
Kazuma smiled slightly, shaking his head. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Of course I do.”
Barok caressed his cheek, and Kazuma leaned into that touch, closing his eyes, wanting it to last.
“I know I constantly fail to express my feelings with words,” said Barok. “But I will try to do it properly this time.”
Kazuma opened his eyes, looking at him. “What do you mean?”
Barok offered him a faint, but gentle smile. “I love you too, Kazuma. More than you could possibly know.”