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“Choo-choo!” Soos cheered. .GIFfany laughed along with him on the screen of the train ride.
Suddenly, the train stopped rocking. “ Please insert fifty cents to continue ,” an automated voice---not .GIFfany’s, the train’s---demanded.
“Aw, man,” Soos said.
He looked up as he heard another laugh---not automated at all, but real! He found a woman standing a few feet away, wearing an orange shirt and a white lab coat with a paw print over the heart. She was smiling, hand over her mouth, and jumped when she noticed Soos staring at her.
“Oh, I’m sorry!” she apologized. “It’s just---Dude, that's awesome that you're a grown man riding a little train like that. You're totally, like, owning it.”
“Huh?” Soos said intelligently. “Oh, yeah, I'm like, if it's fun, do it, you know?”
The woman’s eyes lit up. “Exactly!” she cried. “Being an adult is the worst! Dealing with difficult patients, remembering to pay bills---I just want to ride tiny trains all day.”
“Do you work with animals?” Soos asked, pointing to the paw print on her lab coat. “Animals will one day replace us when we’ve messed up the world beyond repair, so why not give them a head start so they won’t teach their kids to hate our memory? At least, that’s what I think.”
“I feel the same way,” the woman smiled. She held out her hand for Soos to shake. “I’m Melody, by the way.”
“I’m Soos!” He shook her hand. “I tell you, if you like animals and robots for kids, you should check out the best restaurant of all time.”
“You mean…”
“Hoo-Ha Owl's Pizzamatronic Jamboree!”
“What?!” the woman gasped. “I loved that place when I was a kid!”
“Oh, yeah, dude, there’s one right in this mall!” Soos got off the train, gesturing towards where Hoo-Ha’s was located. “I should show you around sometime.”
“I’m free around eight?” Melody suggested.
“Perfect,” Soos nodded.
“I’ll see you then,” Melody agreed, waving as she walked away.
Soos waved back. “What a nice lady.”
Soos hurried back to Melody, trying to get her up and out without physically forcing her. “So, hey! Anyway, you want to move this date into the forest far away from all electronics and people?”
“What?” Melody asked, standing up but not moving towards the exit. “But the floor show’s about to start!”
As if on cue, the lights dimmed and the animatronics stepped out. Melody turned to focus on the show, childlike glee in her eyes.
“Who wants to hear Hoo-Ha the Owl?!” the owner called. A female beaver animatronic stepped forward.
“ Hello, friends. Hoo-Ha the Owl is dead ,” she said. “ This next song goes out to my forever boyfriend, Soos. ”
Now Melody stepped back. The restaurant exploded in a flurry of confused whispers, people looking around at each other, asking if this was a surprise storyline, but Melody kept her gaze focused on the animatronic.
“What?” she asked, quiet enough that it was clear she was talking to herself. “That’s…no, that’s…” She swung around quickly to Soos, looking more certain. “Soos, are you being stalked?”
“Yeah, basically!” Soos nodded.
“Sh---dang it,” Melody muttered. “ Dang it . I’m so sorry that’s happening to you, Soos. Jeez, how would she have even hacked the animatronics?”
Soos winced as he realized that .GIFfany was using her animatronic to fix him with a glowing red stare. “No time to explain!” he cried, grabbing Melody’s hand. “We’ve got to get out of here!”
“ The only way out, Soos, is in my arms ,” .GIFfany said. She raised the arm of the animatronic to point straight at him---and Melody. “ Capture them! ”
To everyone’s horror, the animatronics stepped off the stage and began to advance.
“No, this---” Melody ran to the door, only to find it locked. The panic of the customers grew worse. “ How is she programming this?”
Soos rammed against the locked doors to no effect.
“ Sorry, Soos ,” .GIFfany sang, sweetly sing-song. “ But you can’t run away from our relationship. ”
“So about all this, I may have purchased a dating simulator that attained sentience and went crazy,” Soos explained hastily. Melody gaped at him, disbelieving.
“ Oh, I am crazy ,” .GIFfany agreed. “ Crazy for you, Soos! ”
They dodged another animatronic, running to take cover behind a fallen table.
“I’m sorry, Soos, but that isn’t possible!” Melody protested. “It’s science fiction; even if AI can gain sentience, we’re way too far away from being technologically advanced enough for it to do so! I think you just have a stalker who is---” Projectiles started flying, and she yelped, “---who is unfortunately very good at coding. How is she doing all this in real time?!”
Dipper and Mabel found their way over to behind the table.
“Soos, we’ve gotta get out of here!” Dipper cried. “.GIFfany’s even worse than Rumble, and I barely beat him!”
“I’m so, so sorry, Melody! I’ll explain later, I promise!” Soos peaked over the edge of the table. “It’s me that she wants. I’ll distract her while Dipper and Mabel keep you safe. It’s the only way.”
Melody looked aghast. “Soos, these are children! ”
But he was already running off. “The only waaaayy!”
“This is insane!” Melody cried. “Kids, c’mere. I’ll get you out of here, and I’ll call 911 if they haven’t been called yet.”
“No, look!” Dipper pointed to the doors. A pair of firefighters were holding them open while more ushered people out.
“Oh, thank G-d,” Melody gasped. She grabbed Dipper and Mabel’s hands, pulling them along. “Hello, firemen! My date went to go fight the animatronics! I know it sounds unbelievable, but his stalker somehow managed to hack the robots, and she’s using them to try and get him back---”
“Was it Soos?” one of the firemen asked.
“I---what? Yes, it was Soos,” Melody confirmed. “Soos---G-d, I don’t even know his full name! We were just on our first date, testing the waters---”
“Yeah, ma’am, if it’s Soos, he’s got a better chance of fixing the problem than we do.”
“...What.”
“Soos is the best handyman there is!” Mabel said proudly.
“Wait.” Melody let Dipper and Mabel go to rub at her head. “Wait, wait, are you saying that you’re just letting a man run off to fight his very dangerous stalker because he’s ‘the best handyman there is’?”
There was a general hubbub of consensus from the firemen and passersby who knew Soos.
“You’re all insane,” Melody decided.
“Are you gonna go after him?” Mabel asked. “Go be his knight in shining armor?”
“I---” Melody turned back to look in the restaurant. “I---I don’t know. Maybe?”
“I wouldn’t recommend that, ma’am.”
“We’ll come with her,” Dipper said.
“Oh, that’s okay, then, ma’am,” the fireman conceded. “The twins saved the town from that Gideon monster; we trust them with anything.”
Melody clenched her hands into fists and suppressed a growl.
“Okay,” she snapped. “Okay! Fine! Come on, kids, let’s go.”
“Yaaaay, rescue mission!” Mabel cheered, bouncing off to lead the way. Melody hurried after her, trying to stay in front. Dipper just rolled his eyes, fine with trailing behind.
They found Soos in the kitchen, just as he was throwing a video game disk into an oven. “I say; game over, .GIFfany!”
“ No, wait! ” .GIFfany pleaded, but it was too late. The oven turned on and .GIFfany died with a horrible, ear-piercing scream as the disk melted.
Melody gasped, grabbing Soos’s hand and pulling him and the twins out of the kitchen. “Try not to breathe until we’re out! The fumes can be dangerous!”
“I did it, Melody!” Soos said. “I stopped .GIFfany!”
“I know, and I’m proud of you! But right now we’ve got to tell the firemen what happened!”
“Oh, yeah! Do you think I’ll be given an award?”
“I beat Rumble all on my own and I wasn’t given an award,” Dipper said.
“Yeah, dude, but you didn’t tell anybody about Rumble. Also, you said that .GIFfany was more dangerous than him.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“Fireman? Hello, yes,” Melody gasped, letting go of Soos and the twins to give her attention to the fireman. “There was some sort of CD that was melted in an oven…”
“You did it, Soos!” Mabel cheered, giving Soos a hug. “You saved the day!”
“I did save the day! And I didn’t even get distracted!”
“Okay, thank you. Whew!” Melody came back over, looking exhausted. “That was crazy. What even happened?”
“I’m sorry for all this,” Soos apologized. “I honestly remember this place being a lot more fun when I was a kid, but I guess .GIFfany was just in a bad mood.”
“Okay, who even is this ‘.GIFfany’?” Melody asked. “She’s your stalker? Your ex? Your stalker and your ex?”
“She was a video game that gained sentience! I thought I told you already!”
“But see, that doesn’t make sense--- ”
“Lady, you’re in Gravity Falls,” Dipper interrupted. “There’s a whole three journals filled to the brim with research of this place’s weirdness, and that’s not even scratching the surface. Sentient video games are just another Tuesday.”
“I…” Melody looked lost.
Soos took her hand gently. “Hey, how about I show you around the forest? We’ll have to avoid the gnomes, but there’s a super cool secret apocalypse bunker!”
“Soos, the shapeshifter’s down there!”
“Yeah, dawg, but it’s frozen . In a sci-fi tube .”
Melody rubbed Soos’s hand with her thumb. “I came here to study the wildlife,” she explained. “But everything I’ve seen here is normal. The townsfolk are a little weird, but the wildlife is normal . How would I have missed gnomes , for Christ’s sake?”
“Well that doesn’t make any ding-dong sense!” Mabel frowned. “I got kidnapped by gnomes on my first day here! They wanted to make me their queen, and did not take rejection very well. Fragile, much?”
Melody shuddered.
“Yeah, that---that doesn’t make sense,” Dipper agreed. He pulled Journal 3 out of his vest, flipping through the pages. “Maybe…”
He wandered off, muttering to himself.
Soos fiddled with his hands. “Hey, uh, you wouldn't maybe be interested in coming to my cousin's engagement party in a week? I promise there are, like, zero robot badgers.”
Melody sighed. “I…yeah. Yeah, of course. That sounds fun. I’ll still be in town then, anyway.”
Soos blinked. “Still be in town?”
“I’m going back to Portland in a few weeks. This was just a research trip; there’s hardly any research about Gravity Falls, and its history is barely recorded. I thought it would be interesting to dig something up,” Melody explained. “We can video chat, if that’s okay with you?”
Soos smiled. “A relationship with a girl that I can only see through my computer, sounds perfect.”
Melody laughed, then held out her hand for a shake. “Melody Robles, pleased to be your girlfriend.”
Soos stared, then took her hand. “Jesús Alzamirano Ramirez. Pleased to be your boyfriend.”
Mabel watched on from a distance. She pumped her fist. “Spirit of love, we did it.”
“Yes, yes, I’m so happy,” Abuelita agreed from the potted plant she was hiding behind.
Mabel jumped. “Have you been following us all day?”
“Soos’s life is my soap opera.”