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» I said I wanted Thin Mints «, Jay told me, giggling. He was laying next to me on my bed, his big blue eyes focused on the package in front of him. I gave him a box of chocolates for our first official date. »I couldn’t find any. So I thought …«
»You’re out for revenge.«
I shrug my shoulders. »Couldn’t hurt getting chocolate.« For our last meeting - we didn’t yet call it a date - Jay gave me chocolate, but then placed it next to the fireplace, so it melted out of the wrapper and I couldn’t eat it.
» You said it wasn’t that big of a deal.« Jay’s eyes followed the lines of my face, down to my mouth. After everything that had happened during the period of time the media called “the love triangle” I was so relieved to finally be on terms with what I wanted. That Nya was never an option, and all I was interested in was her boyfriend. And I still couldn’t believe how lucky I was that Jay was going out with me. I mean … me?
»You knew I was lying.«
»Is there any chance I could get the Thin Mints next time?«
»Maybe, but there’s no way you like that kind of stuff.«
A nervous smile appeared on Jay's face. »I really like them.«
I will never fully understand the guy in front of me. But that’s fine, I guess he doesn’t fully understand himself either.
» You ’re the strangest person on the whole planet.«
»I wasn’t the one who showed up with a boombox the other day and confessed his undying love.« Jay looked at me as if he were going to explode if I disagreed. »That’s the worst exaggeration I’ve ever heard. And I’ve heard a lot, living in the same building as Kai. I didn’t confess my undying love. I just finally told you how I feel.«
»You said: I can see the stars in your eyes - In my eyes. That sound pretty undying love confessing for me.«
Other than answering, I took his hand in mine. His smaller fingers fell between mine, creating a bond, stronger than any undying love confession.
Who knew that cuddling on my bed would become my favorite activity in the world? Jay and I kept our relationship a secret at first, and we didn't talk to anyone about it. But every time I saw him walk into a room, I felt these little trampolines inside me. Every shared glance and stolen kiss in a dark corner brought us closer. Every time I got the chance to hold him, I felt this undeniable sense of comfort. Jay was so pure and special and all mine to love.
He broke up with Nya, when he discovered that she was starting to like me. She had listened to the opinion of a computer and went behind his back. I kind of did too, but because I didn’t understand where my jealousy was coming from. I wasn’t jealous that Nya was with Jay, but that Jay was with Nya.
It took the blue ninja and I long enough to become friends again, and then we finally discovered the truth: That we could be more than just friends.
A few weeks later, I could finally call him my boyfriend.
One evening we were watching TV together in the Bounties’ living room. No one was around, so I put my arms around my boyfriend and gave him a little kiss on the cheek. Who knew I could be so reckless?
We bonded over playing video games and trying to learn how to cook breakfast as well as Zane. One time the Black Eyed Peas were playing in the background, while we decided that making out was more important than making cake. Something I never thought I would say or think. But Jay had this incredible presence that attracted me like a magnet.
The only problem left was telling the others, and telling the media about our relationship. They already knew that Jay and Nya had broken up and unfortunately they also discovered that Nya had a crush on me. Now the fans were divided into two teams. Will she choose blue or black? What would they say if they found out that the third team had won?
And what could go wrong with our relationship? Well, at that point I didn’t know we would go from friends to enemies to lovers, to complicated exes.
Fell so deeply into it
It was all so innocent
»You have to ignore them. None of this is true.« A few weeks later, Jay and I were back on my bed, but the mood had changed.
The media had picked up rumors that we were dating, so we thought it was time to tell everyone the truth. It didn’t really go as planned.
Cole is just playing with him. He manipulates Jay to steal his girlfriend behind his back. No way he’s into boys.
»Jay, I can’t really ignore something, I have to witness all the time.« Another comment pops up.
Cole has really destroyed his fathers legacy by being such a slut.
Now I′m a homewrecker, I'm a-
»It’s time for us to turn all technical devices off. This isn’t helpful for our relationship or our mental health.« Jay tried to snatch my phone, but I turned in bed, to read another bunch of comments.
This is disgusting. These are the people saving our city? No thanks.
I don’t want to be saved by someone who steals your girlfriend and then manipulates you into thinking he loves you.
He should kill himself.
I got death threats filling up semi trucks
»Dirt clod please, give me your phone«, Jay begged.
»No, I can’t …« I stood up. Eyes red and voice shaky. »I don’t want you to see me like this. I hate that all I can think about are these comments.«
»But I want to be there for you. And I want you to be there for me too. You’re not the only one who gets them.« Jay was on the verge of tears as well. That was typical for us. If one of us started to cry, the other one would follow not long after.
And I knew what he meant. I read those comments too. People saw me as too masculine to be gay and Jay as too feminine to be bi. After already seeing him with a woman and being madly in love with the relationship, now no one can imagine him being with one again.
I always had that feeling with Jay …
Knew he would end up with a boy
He only played with Nya!
Are we sure they didn’t turn around the sexualities in the statement?
Tell me who I am, guess I don′t have a choice
All because I liked-
»I’m so sorry, bluebell. I just want us to be happy. But right now, I don’t know how.«
Jay looked at me with big blue eyes. »Why isn’t turning the devices off an option? We could live in peace without the opinions of people on the internet.«
»I guess we could. But it won’t change anything. People in the public will still avoid us. We have to do a training in the city tomorrow and I don’t want to go.«
»I understand, but I don’t think they will. People are much nicer in real life than online. And no one told us to go anywhere today. I want to stay in bed with you and cuddle.«
They’re probably only together because they’re having the hots for each other.
Did you see how they looked at each other? Like they want to take their clothes off with their eyes - in public.
I'm the hot topic on your tongue
I'm a rebound gettin′ ′round stealin' from the young
»You know we can’t. We have to give another interview.«
Jay sighed. »About us? I don’t really want to share anything more. I want us to have a beautiful, quiet relationship away from the public. The situation with Nya and our need to say something was bad enough.«
Next thing they tell us, that Nya’s a lesbian or non-binary or something stupid like that. They’re fucking weirdos for thinking we would like them more if they all become queer. WE WON’T.
Poor Nya, losing both boys she’s interested in to one another.
No way, Cole’s gay.
Tell me who I am, guess I don′t have a choice
All because I liked a boy
»Please?« Jay asked one last time. »Choose me over going down a rabbit hole and believing what people tell you. We’re a great couple and we’re comfortable in our sexualities«, he said, as if he wants to make sure of that for himself.
I nodded. I couldn’t say no to my adorable boyfriend. »Fine.« Instead of letting my day get ruined by anonymous people on the internet, we shared some well deserved quality time.
The next ninja-mission broke me. I'm not catastrophizing. The enemy nearly killed Jay. We went our separate ways as Lloyd instructed us. I went with Nya, Jay went with Zane. When I saw him the next time, he laid consciousness in Zane’s arms. I ran towards him, but the others stopped me. »No, Cole. We need to focus on the mission. Zane will get Jay to a hospital, you have to forget about him for just a second. Please.«
Forget about him? How could I forget about him? About my everything?
So instead of following the ninja back into the enemy hideout, I took Jay from Zane and ran. »All ′s derailing«, the blue ninja murmured in his only half awake state.
»Stay with me«, I begged him. I was only tryna hold him close while his heart was failing. I could feel it pumping less and less as the minutes passed.
»It’s only fair that I got punished.«
»What do you mean? It’s not.«
»The internet is right. I’m a bad person.«
»No Jay. You were the one who told me that it is all an illusion . Just opinions of lonely souls who doesn’t have the courage to speak up in real life.«
His body felt so weak in my hands. As if life was draining out of him. I had to run faster, to make it in time.
»Don’t die. Do you hear me? I need you bluebell.«
»I don’t want to die«, he wispered. Words so soft I almost didn’t hear them.
»Give me two more minutes. Then we will be at the hospital and everything’s going to be fine.«
I saw a few kids watching me run through the city. Things are never going to plan, but today was especially bad. I didn’t care if they either thought I was a hero for saving my boyfriend, or a loser for running away from the enemy.
»When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I didn’t think the day could get any worse. But now that I’m through it, I want to go back to bed.« I could hear the pain in Jay’s voice. The aching of his whole body.
» You will be in bed very soon«, I promised him.
»Thanks for saving me. I always knew that my first love would last forever.«
My body tightened for a few seconds. I wasn’t Jay’s first love. He was head over heels for Nya and they dated for almost a year before he fell in love with me. I figured he was just confused because of the big injury on his head. I didn’t question him.
So I said »I′m too late to be your first love bluebell , but I'll always be your favorite«
Later I discovered that he didn’t mess up his words. He was really talking about his first love. And that broke my heart into a million pieces.
Jay was unconscious for the next few hours, so I spent a lot of time next to his hospital bed. Waiting for your love to wake up is a difficult and mentally stressful experience and I made the mistake of letting myself get distracted by social media. The city has been silent lately. No sign of the villains we just fought, but the news never sleeps. And neither did the comments about my relationship.
Did Cole really leave the team's last fight to save this loser of a ninja? They would be better off without Jay.
He promised to protect the city, but when it comes hard on hard, he’s only protecting his little boy toy.
Can’t believe I once trusted him with my life.
Now I'm a homewrecker, I′m a-
I still couldn’t understand how people could look at me differently just because I told them I liked a boy. That didn’t change anything in my belief in protecting Ninjago. And it didn’t make me a bad person.
Jay sighed lightly and I looked up. I watched him laying motionless in his bed and that hurted so much. He looked so vulnerable with the bandage around his head and the hose in his hand. Hopefully he was thinking about better stuff than I was. I wanted to follow his mind to a world where we could just be us. Without pressure from the outside. Without the messy love triangle. Just us.
A new message brought my eyes back to the screen of my phone.
You should kill yourself.
I got death threats filling up semi trucks
Great, they found out my private number. Now I had to visit Zane or Nya to help me change it. If only Jay was awake, then I could have asked him. Turned it into a cute date, where I could watch him ramble on the bad state of my phone. God - I missed him so much.
Jay was murmuring in his sleep again and I took it as a good sign. His mind was working, otherwise he couldn’t say anything.
Who do you think will break up first? Jay or Cole?
Cole obviously. He’s just waiting for Nya to make a move. His long term plan is to be with her.
Tell me who I am, guess I don′t have a choice
I had to remind myself that they didn’t really know what was going on. Only saw a few glimpses of it. Maybe it really looked like this from the outside perspective.
The next messages I get are from the other ninja, asking about Jay’s condition. It hasn't really changed much in the last few hours, so I told them there was no need for them to come.
Okay Cole, but if you feel like it, you can come home and let someone else take watch over Jay. We all know about your mother and the way things ended with her in the same hospital. Jay would understand.
Maybe he would, but I could never forgive myself.
No, I’m staying.
All because I liked-
I caught a movement out of the corner of my eye and looked up again. But it was probably just a bug, because Jay was laying motionless as always. My focus drifted back to my phone. Wu sent me an article with the message: I told Dareth to take this down, but people are already saving it and sharing it everywhere. It’s in the print magazine too. Just to let you know.
The article was from the most prominent teen-magazine of Ninjago City and it showed Jay, Nya and I in the middle of a quiz. Who would you choose if you could date a Ninja?
Each question had four answers to choose from and they either meant Jay, Kai, Zane or me. I was a little bit impressed that they followed our rule of cutting Lloyd out. He didn't feel comfortable when a famous woman said she had a crush on him in an interview, what’s totally understandable because although he looked like he was sixteen, the tea didn’t age his brain. The green ninja may have saved ninjago, but he was still a twelve year old child and it was really inappropriate when people didn’t care and called him hot.
At first I didn’t really understand why Wu tried to take the article down. The questions were pretty basic.
Which quality do you think is the hottest? Humor, strength, knowledge, bravery.
It might be superficial and bland, but nothing new.
But then I came to the results.
Next to a picture of me, the magazine had written: Did you choose option 2 the most? Then Cole Brookstone ist your perfect ninja-boyfriend. But sadly not for all you beautiful girls out there anymore.
Anymore … as if they ever had a chance. If Nya hadn’t been there to let me discover the truth, some other girl would have. My count of dating women would never go beyond one.
You’re looking for a strong man, who can make all your dreams come true by pure strength and willpower. But be warned: maybe someday you’re the one who gets crushed.
I'm the hot topic on your tongue
I′m a rebound gettin' ′round stealin' from the young
Below the text is another image, screenshotted from Nyas instagram-story. She posted a few lines about her feelings after Zane sacrificed himself to the overlord.
My heart is broken and can never be repaired. As a mechanic I always find my way to solve riddles and find solutions, but this time the only solution is saying goodbye.
Now I get why Wu tried to take down the article. This is bullshit. Not only did they write about me, my charakter and my sexuality, like it was a bad thing, but Nyas words are out of context. They make it seem like I broke her heart - which I did not. She was sad because her friend died!
Besides, the moment I realized she had a crush on me and I misinterpreted it as a sibling kind of love, we dealt with it right away. But that story would be too boring for the news so instead, now everyone was going to think that the love triangle ended with a fight.
Tell me who I am, guess I don′t have a choice
A throat clearing tears me from my thoughts. Jay's fingers start to move, then his hand, his arm …
»Jay?«
His eyes flew open. »Nya?«
My heart turned to stone.
»No Jay, it’s me. It’s Cole.«
»Cole? Oh - I’m sorry, I thought …«
»It’s okay, I’m so glad you’re alive.«
And again, I immediately forgot about the mistake. I didn’t think back on it, when I leaned down and kissed his beautiful forehead. It didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that Jay was conscious again.
All because I liked a boy
»I love you. What did I miss? Did we win?« Jay's excitement is contagious.
»Yes, everything’s alright. Let me just write a message to the others, to tell them you woke up.«
»Alright. Cole?«
»Mhm?«
»You didn’t say it back.«
»What?«
Jay’s blue eyes prisoned my gaze. »I love you.«
»Oh - yeah, I love you too.« And although I meant it, something felt off. My brain may forgive him his second slip up, but my heart didn’t.
All because I liked a boy
Fell so deeply into it
It was all so innocent
Dating boys with exes
No, I wouldn't recommend it
A few weeks passed and my life took another turn. Jay had finally discovered his truth. That although he really wanted to be with me, his heart belongs to Nya.
Without him, my bed doesn’t feel as cozy as it used to. I have my laptop in front of me, a blanket draped over my lower body and tears running down my face.
Jay and I broke up a few days ago, but I still can’t understand that he’s gone. Don’t want to think about the fact that he’s probably with Nya right now. Cuddling and watching movies like we did.
It doesn’t help that I found my way back to social media. The comments keep going up and up and up. I don’t have to refresh the page, it does it by itself every few seconds.
A photographer caught Jay with Nya today. We didn’t tell the news about the breakup, so Jay had to do it today to cut off any suspicions. Because he may have broken my heart, but he didn’t cheat on me and we wanted to make sure that there was no misinterpretation of our situation.
But obviously, people still found a way to blame us. And especially me.
Funny, his plan of stealing the girl didn’t work. Now he lost them both.
I get why his father never says anything about his son in interviews. Doesn’t want to use bad words, but there are no other words to describe this disaster of a ninja.
I'm a homewrecker, I′m a-
The problem with all these comments is, that they hurt ten times worse, now that Jay’s gone. Back when he was lying next to me, all he had to do was to tell me to take the phone down and then he would kiss all my pain away.
But now the love of my life is gone and with him went my ability to keep opinions out of my head. All I can think about these days is: Am I a bad person? Did I do something wrong?
Kill yourself.
I got death threats filling up semi trucks
What was wrong with falling in love? Experiencing a relationship for the first time? Yes, we may have had a rocky start, but we never did anything morally wrong.
Now that they are no longer pretending to be in a relationship, will Cole finally tell us he made a mistake and is actually straight? Please? I need this man in my life.
Tell me who I am, guess I don′t have a choice
That’s the other problem. The people who say they’re on my site, want me to change myself for an idea they have of me. And now that I don’t have Jay with me to tell me that I’m perfect the way I am, bad thoughts are getting loud in my head. And I hate myself so much for relying on a person that isn’t there anymore.
Why don’t I function without him? Why do I need him so much? Why do I care about all of this?
All because I liked a boy
I want the life back that I had before. Before him, before Nya, even before I became a ninja. Back then, it was only me. Me and nature. Earth, rocks and an endless sky. No comments, no love triangle, no ex boyfriend I would miss to death.
And all of this, for what? In the end, I’m alone again.
Maybe I should have acted differently, when everything went down . Maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much, if I was the one who broke up with Jay. But well … it would have been the same result. He’s with the love of his life - I’m alone in my room. Crying like a baby and feeling miserable over people on the internet.
Cole, please tell us if Jay cheated on you with Nya. Was it revenge, because you took his girlfriend first?
»Just stop«, I beg my computer to let those endless comments end. » We'd already broken up . Jay didn’t cheat, but he doesn’t love me. Do you understand? He doesn’t love me.« My voice breaks.
Please, tell me who I am, guess I don′t have a choice
I don’t sleep that night. Or any other night of the week. It will take me months, maybe even years to find my old self, hidden behind all these walls of sadness. And all this drama, all this pain, all these broken pieces - all because I liked a boy
Ah-ah (a boy)
Ah-ah (a boy)
Ah
All because I liked a boy