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Izumi knows he’s perfect.
It’s a fact he’s had memorized since childhood. He remembers his ballet teacher giving him a rare smile after he landed his first grand jeté; though he’s certain that, if he’d been in the room as his adult self, he would’ve found a dozen mistakes and critiques. He remembers his modelling peers complimenting him on just how he pulled off the latest sweater or scarf he was promoting – on how well his pictures sold, on how many offers he got.
Most importantly, he remembers his parents, so, proud of him. He was their golden child, after all. His grades never suffered, his career prospered, his dance reports came back positive. As long as these three truths remained, he was perfect in the eyes of his mother and father.
As he aged, so did his troubles. His career as an idol quickly became the main focus of his life, ballet and modelling still remaining important but rapidly becoming tied to his job.
His worries changed too. Did he sing his lines without his voice shaking? Did he look good no matter where you paused their music videos? Did he respond well to the reporters thirsting for the latest insider scoop?
These and a thousand other fears were constantly dancing around inside his head, even when there were no cameras to judge his performance. They all boiled down to one fear – the loss of his reputation. He knew that he had a “difficult personality,” one that often landed him in trouble with friends and co-workers alike. He was too egotistical, he was entitled, he was needy. Many found him rude and unpleasant, he knew. He swore he’d seen some of his juniors take detours just to avoid his presence.
His biggest worry was the public coming to the same conclusion that those juniors clearly had: the conclusion that someone like him was far more trouble than it was worth. He detested the idea that his fans could replace him so easily, that another member of Knights or New Dimension could outshine him with no warning. He loved the fame of being an idol, and the idea that adoration from him could turn to hatred was enough to keep him up all night.
Because of this, he tried his best to stay perfect, as he knew himself to be. If the public could really turn on him, like he’d seen happen to others beneath and above his standing, his only defence would be not giving them an excuse to do so. And so, he’d try to keep his imperfections hidden from the spotlight.
It did little to ease his fear.
On a totally unrelated note, he generally kept social media uninstalled on his phone. Though he would never lose himself as much as some of his peers (like Itsuki, for example), management at NewDi have had chats with him about his use of his official idol accounts, so he prefers to avoid the fuss altogether and let someone else deal with it.
But sometimes, he let his curiosity get the better of him. Such as when Leo bounds up to him during a break during one of Knight’s rare practices and practically collapses next to him, phone in hand. “Se~na~,” he cheerfully began – Izumi had no idea where he got his energy from, he himself was exhausted – “Look at all the feedback on our latest interview! The people on Twitter are going craaaaazy~!
Izumi pursed his lips and looked at the tweet that Leo held inches from his face. Somebody he didn’t know, writing he didn’t bother to read. An image was attached of Leo and Ritsu, who had sat next to each other, with both of them trying to annoy the other without the camera catching it. Of course, the fans noticed anyway, but that was to be expected.
Overall, it was nothing out of the ordinary for a group as popular as them. He shifted a bit, trying to get Leo to learn a bit of personal space, but the boy only invaded further. “And here, it’s a clip of Sena!” he proudly announced, hitting ‘play’ before the aforementioned could make out any of the text. Again, it was nothing Izumi thought to be irregular, simply him answering something that the fans had been pestering them about for a while. But when Leo exited out of the video to show him something else, and he saw the number of likes, he couldn’t help feeling a bit of pride. All these people were showing love to him, even when he did the most mundane of things – surely, anyone would become a bit flustered, as he was.
Despite these joyful thoughts, he tried once again to push Leo away, the other snickering and running off to show a lethargic Ritsu the image he’d shown Izumi earlier. Now left to his own devices once more, Izumi sighed, intending to focus once again on their practice. However… he couldn’t get the memory of his fans out of his head. Perhaps redownloading a few apps never hurt anyone.
---
Redownloading the app was the worst decision Izumi could have made.
It was as simple as a few taps on his phone screen. Before one could even say “maybe this isn’t such a good idea” it was installed and opened on his phone. He didn’t use his official account – instead, he logged in to a smaller, private account he still had from his days before becoming an idol. Of course, he’d always been in the spotlight with his modelling career, but when he was younger, he’d taken more respite in social media, the total opposite of his current state. He still remembered the password, so it was easy for him to get in.
From then on, it had been smooth sailing. He’d searched his name and watched as thousands of tweets instantly popped up. At first, it’d been enjoyable, as he’d known it would be. Seeing so many tweets with him as the focus was almost enough to bring a smile to his face. Realising this, he quickly schooled his expression – to be caught grinning at his phone was below someone as composed as him.
Most of what he saw was art of him in various outfits Knights wore on stage, with him being able to pinpoint exactly what most of them were from. Some posts were pictures of people dressed up as him, which was admittedly weirder, but nonetheless it was what he’d been expecting. No, what was really interesting to him were the clips of him interacting with other idols and fans.
To say that he was intrigued by public opinion of him would be an understatement. He needed to know that he was revered by them, his fanbase, and those outside of it too. And he saw plenty of evidence for this. One person would say, “Doesn’t Izumi look pretty in this photoshoot?” Another might express disagreement, offering up another picture where the light better framed his features, or the clothes better fit his body. Or, one person might say, “Isn’t Izumi so cool when he talks to his unitmates?” with a video attached, garnering thousands of views.
Sitting perched on his bed, Izumi almost forgot why he’d uninstalled this app in the first place. Unfortunately, he was reminded almost immediately. Criticism began to creep in the more he scrolled, like some disgusting parasite.
“Was expecting more from Izumi in the new choreography…” one fan might post.
“I don’t understand what people see in Izumi.”
“Look at this clip. Izumi really said this? On live?”
“Did anyone else notice how Izumi moved out of time with the others here?”
While discomforting him, these posts were nothing more than weeds in the flood of positive feedback. He was able to mostly ignore them. That is, until one particular comment caught his eye.
“Every member of Knights always has so much fun in interviews, but when Izumi speaks up, it seems like they get fed up. It can’t be only me who’s realised this...?”
Attached was a clip of his unitmates and him. They were doing a Q&A with an interviewer who Izumi neither remembered nor cared for. He focused instead on the faces of the other Knights, watching intently as they turned to face him when he spoke. Was that his imagination, or did their smiles falter?
He mustered up all his strength to tear his eyes away from the screen, dropping the phone onto his lap. (Not so hard that it would break, of course – he would never make a mistake like that.)
Was this really how his “friends” felt? Of course, of course it was, he was a fool for not seeing it earlier, for not looking deeper into the way Tsukasa fought with him, the way Ritsu avoided him, all the once-insignificant mannerisms now quickly being placed together to form a bigger, unprecedented picture.
To think that he had once felt secure amongst them. Those fucking traitors – how dare they manipulate him in such a horrific way? He felt sick to his stomach. He wanted to march up to them at once, demand an explanation, enact a thousand punishments upon those who had surely wronged him.
But he would never do such a thing. He placed one shaking hand over the other, inhaling deeply. Think of your reputation, a voice inside him nagged, or what seems to be left of it. Don’t act on your emotions. You’re better than this.
Knights were better than this. He was sure this was all a misunderstanding. One great misunderstanding, the public wouldn’t understand, how could they? It’s fine. Next time he sees them, he’ll ask them, and they will surely reassure him of his fears. It’s fine. It’ll be fine.
He’ll talk to them.
---
Izumi does not talk to them.
He really does try! He got as far as waiting after practice to speak with Leo alone, as he was most confident that Leo would provide him the answers he so needed, but his words flattened as soon as the other boy turned to look at him with curious eyes.
“Aren’t you coming, Sena? The others have already left…”
As soon as he heard Leo’s voice, he lost all resolve, and instead he had rolled his eyes and pushed past him. He didn’t need to talk to anyone. He’d overseen his own problems for years, and he’d be damned if he couldn’t handle it now.
…Seriously, how long could he fool himself? As time passed, his emotions stayed the same. Words which once would’ve comforted only stung. He knew he was overreacting – it was part of what made the whole ideal so infuriating. He knew it would’ve been easy to talk to his unit mates and easier still to never let some random post completely ruin his mood.
Still, he found himself becoming unnecessarily snappy with them. Had he been snappy before? Absolutely. But now he found himself biting back more words than he spoke, plagued by paranoid thoughts through every interaction – was that a sign that things were going wrong?
He was pretty sure the others had noticed. You’d have to be an idiot not to see how Izumi seemed to be pulling away, once you knew him as well as they did. Despite this knowledge, nobody had acted any differently other than a few curious glances, and that infuriated him too. If they knew he was upset, why wouldn’t they talk to him about it? The rational part of him told him that it was because he was unapproachable on a good day. This part of him was promptly ignored.
Whatever. If they didn’t see anything wrong, then surely nothing was wrong.
---
Izumi is sitting on a couch next to four of the most important people in his life, facing a man he met this morning who holds a clipboard and a pen. There’s a camera rolling perpendicular to them, and microphones dangle above them, just out of its sight. He’s on the set for a popular TV show, being interviewed about their latest album release.
Today has been a good day. His friends are at ease, with Ritsu leaning up against Tsukasa, Leo excitedly explaining the concept of the album and how it felt to compose the songs, and Arashi smiling fondly next to him. Izumi finds himself jealous of how she seems so effortlessly cool – he himself is aware of every microscopic movement he makes, sitting with his legs crossed and his back against the wall. He’s also very aware of an ugly sort of feeling that’s been present since he woke up, since weeks ago. He’s choosing to pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s been working so far.
“Thank you, Tsukinaga-san,” the voice of the interviewer rings out once again, “it’s been insightful hearing all about the creative decisions behind this. I’ve noticed that you mention ‘inspiration’ a few times. Just what is it that inspires you?”
Leo’s reply comes quick and easy. “Everything has the potential for song behind it! Birds, drinks, pavements, no matter how bland it seems, there’s always something to write about. But what inspires me the most is my unitmate, Sena!”
“Ohoho, is that so? What about Sena-san inspires you, exactly? No, hold on- let’s ask the man himself.”
Izumi shifts slightly as the interviewer focuses on him. He knows that he’s being asked because he’s stayed virtually silent throughout the whole recording. He doesn’t trust his tongue right now, so he’s limited his words, though this seems to have backfired in the form of a direct question. A rather abstract one, as well – what about Izumi inspires Leo? How should he answer that?
“Well,” he begins, trying not to sound unsure, because Izumi is never unsure. “I’m sure it’s a combination of factors.” The interviewer tilts his head slightly, a silent signal to tell him that they need more information, and he holds back a sigh. “Maybe it’s my voice? Or my good looks? There’s a lot to love about me, you know.”
He means it jokingly, but at the same time, it’s true. That doesn't mean he likes it when he hears a giggle from Arashi. “That’s our Izumi-chan,” she says, “always thinking so highly of himself.” He hears a few laughs from the others, and he frowns, though he outwardly shakes his head and moves on. Inside, he is fuming.
Inevitably, his mind circles back to the post again. Do they really hate him? He knows that Arashi meant it as a joke, that she wouldn’t embarrass him on purpose, but aren’t jokes just a way to mask true feelings? He had been ‘joking’ when complimenting himself, even though it hadn’t been a joke at all.
He tunes out the rest of the interview, replaying that one joke over and over in his head. It’s just a joke. It’s just a joke. But by the time he notices everyone else standing up, bowing to the interviewer, it’s already been cemented in his mind as something hateful.
“Sena-senpai,” a voice calls, and Tsukasa is standing in front of him, pose not the slightest bit relaxed though they’re no longer in view of the camera. “We were going to eat lunch together… you’re still [available], right?”
Before he can think, he is protesting that he is not available, and will not be for some time. He ignores the way that the corners of the leader’s mouth downturn, how the three behind him glance at him in between snippets of conversation. He turns on his heel and begins to walk away; he’s had enough with the mind games his unitmates seem to be playing, enough with the paranoia.
He hears their voices as he leaves. Then he slams the set door, and hears nothing.
---
He’s flying to Florence in three days, and he hasn’t left his room in two.
This may not seem like a long amount of time, but to Izumi, who rarely lets his beauty be wasted in the dull recesses of the dorm room, it seems like an eternity. He hasn’t fallen so low as to lie dully in his bed, though it’s been a challenge to get up even to wander around the room. However, he seems to spend more time than not staring at the ceiling, or scrolling on that godforsaken phone.
His roommates seem worried, but after he ended up shouting at one of them for trying to talk to him while he was busy doomscrolling, they’ve left him alone. It’s for the better, and it seems to be the popular approach – Knights haven’t come to see him either, though he’s received numerous texts.
A knock at the door makes him eat his words. He originally intends to let the person wait, but after a few knocks and a few more seconds of disturbing silence, the door clicks open anyway.
Ritsu walks in, a smirk on his face. Of course he’d be proud of what he did. Without waiting for any argument from Izumi, who’s stubbornly facing the wall, he plops down on his bed.
“Secchan,” he says, and that’s all. The model frowns, though of course, Ritsu can’t see this.
“What do you want, Kuma-kun.” he says, voice purposely dripping with contempt. The vampire seems unphased, humming slightly and resting his head in his hands.
“That’s no way to treat a guest~” he teases.
“If you’re just here to mock me, you’d better leave. I have things to do, you know.”
“Things like what?” Ritsu smiles. “Secchan’s too busy rotting in his room to even talk to his friends? And here I thought Tsukipi was the one to look out for…”
Izumi doesn’t even grace him with a reply. He does not have the energy nor the strength to deal with Ritsu, not when he’s already angry with him, with all of Knights. But surprisingly (or not, Ritsu’s always been persistent in his goals, no matter how lazy he seems), the other refuses to leave. Instead, he stays silent. Izumi, however, refuses to back down, so he stays silent too, checking his phone once more.
That is, until it’s snatched out of his hands. He looks up at Ritsu, too shocked to react as his unitmate begins to scroll the site he had been on. Embarrassment shot through him, being caught searching his own name.
“Didn’t you delete this sort of app? The Secchan I know could spend hours ranting about the ‘dangers of social media’ or whatever. Am I speaking to the same guy?”
Izumi lunges for the phone, but Ritsu keeps it out of his reach. “Relaaax, I’m only looking…” he says, continuing to evade Izumi. Not that it takes much, as Izumi hates looking undignified more than he hates Ritsu having his phone.
“That’s not the issue.” he frowns, reaching out once again only for Ritsu to move even further away.
“Then what is the issue?” he says, looking away from Izumi’s phone and at the model. Izumi pauses, on his hands and knees, before easing himself back into a more refined position.
“Huh?”
“Don’t act dumb,” Ritsu chides. “You haven’t responded to a single message, and you’ve been acting weird for weeks. Is that how to treat your friends?”
“Not everything’s about you, Kuma-kun. I’ve just been…” Izumi begins, trailing off after seeing the glare Ritsu levels at him, phone turned off at his side. The model makes no move to get it.
“Bold words, coming from you. If you ask me-“
“I didn’t-“
“-this whole thing is stupid. I know you won’t come to us, but there’s obviously a problem, and you can’t seriously expect to fix it by yourself.”
Izumi frowns. “I’ve fixed things myself before.” he asserts, though even he could tell this was a weak defence.
“Sure,” the vampire agrees easily, “but this problem isn’t only about you. How can you expect to resolve an issue of friendship when you don’t even talk to your friends?”
Izumi falls silent. Ritsu smiles again, like a cat who’s finally caught the mouse, and crawls over to the other boy, lying basically on top of him. Izumi knows that physically and mentally, the vampire has him backed into a corner.
“I’m just saying…” the aforementioned begins, “It might help if you tell me about what’s been going on. And if not me, there’s three others you can turn to. We’ll always be here for you.”
Izumi says nothing. Ritsu closes his eyes, after a while, and his breathing evens out. Izumi stays awake, mulling over the other’s words. Eventually, he picks up his phone, struggling to keep Ritsu asleep.
He presses the call button.
---
A day later, he sits in the very same restaurant he avoided before. On one side of him sits Leo, on the other Tsukasa - it's possible that he's wedged between them so that he can't run. Tsukasa keeps sneaking glances at him before focusing on his milkshake, in such an uncomposed manner it would make Izumi scold him in any other situation. Opposite sit Ritsu and Arashi, tactfully pretending not to notice anything occurring opposite them. Perhaps Leo is the only one who is content, scrawling across menus, but Izumi knew from years of experience that he was probably the most concerned.
He doesn't understand why they're so... annoying. It's understandable for him to be tense, but really, the others ought to keep a hold of themselves. He'd said he would talk, and here he was, so he'd appreciate if they could stop eyeing him.
Dishes arrived, and the sparce conversation halted. It was all Italian-inspired, which Izumi felt was a poor decision on Tsukasa's part, as two of their members lived in Italy anyway. He decided that to voice this opinion might upset his junior beyond his current state, and therefore stayed quiet.
Arashi speaks up first. "Izumi-chan..." she hesitates, "Do you want to talk?" She's vague, deliberately so, but Izumi understands. How could he not?
"Of course." he begins heavily.
He pauses for a second, then continues.
"I'm sorry for how I've been acting over the past few weeks. I know I've been rather... uncouth, and you've all been caught in the crossfire, so I'm... yeah." The other members smiled at the apology. Such an admittance of fault was rare from Izumi, and so they knew how much it meant when he forced the words from his lips. It was certainly a good start from the emotionally-stifled man, at least.
Now that the hard part was out of the way, Izumi felt much more at ease. "I know that you've all noticed how differently I acted. It's... ugh..."
"Don't force yourself to [speak], Sena-senpai." Tsukasa reminds him. Izumi tries for a smile, but it kind of falls flat, so it just looks like he's vaguely worried about something. He embarrassedly turns his face away.
“Recently, I’ve been rewatching videos of our old interviews.” He doesn’t mention how he saw it on social media, and Ritsu thankfully doesn’t bring it up – he knows he’d never live that down, as adamantly against those apps as he was.
“It’s possible I’m wrong…” he falters, feeling 4 pairs of eyes on him, “…but sometimes, it feels like you hate to hear me talk.”
The other’s eyes widen, but he doesn’t let them get a word in sideways. “I know I’m overreacting about it, but I keep on seeing these little glances and giggles you give eachother, and it feels like it’s about me. I just… don’t know if you actually care about me and what I have to say.”
“Is this because of that joke I made in that interview?” Arashi asks. She places one of her hands over Izumi’s, eyebrows furrowed. “If it is, you know I didn’t mean it, right? I would never hold something like that against you.”
“It was partially because of that,” Izumi concedes, “but I don’t blame you. I’m not the easiest person to get along with.”
Leo’s head raises, turning to look at Izumi. “Who cares about that? Easy to get along with or not, you’re still our beloved friend, wahaha~”
“None of us are ‘easy to get along with’, really. Doesn’t that make our bond even stronger?” Ritsu muses.
“Sena-senpai,” Tsukasa says. “You are [important] to all of Knights. There’s no way any of us would feel [resentment] or any likewise emotion towards you. We have gone through so much together, as one unit – none of us would throw that away as [childishly] as you seem to think we might.”
“How could I hate my muse? Sena, don’t listen to the aliens messing up your head! All of us care about you, isn’t it obvious?”
Izumi feels tears start to brim in his eyes, which is stupid, because his friends’ comments are so disgustingly corny that he might laugh if he was in a better state of mind. Instead, its all he can do to wipe his eyes (or rather, dab at them, so as not to upset his makeup).
“Thank you for your reassurances,” he mumbles. The others smile at him.
He feels a great burden be lifted from his shoulders.
Then Arashi’s face becomes playfully scornful. “Next time, though!” she reprimands, “Won’t you just tell us before this sort of thing becomes an issue?”
He grimaces. “I’ll try?”
All four others stare at him. He feels himself begin to sweat – this no longer feels sweet, it feels more like he’s standing trial.
“Yes, I’ll tell you, geez…” he corrects.
The rest of Knights sit back in their seats, seemingly pleased, and the conversation shifts away from him as Tsukasa mentions his latest outing with his cousin, and Ritsu talks about the gossip he heard at the tea club, and Arashi tells everyone about the expensive jacket she saw the other day that she would just loooove to have, with her birthday coming up and all. Leo has gone back to composing, though Izumi notices the notes can’t possibly relate to the same song as before.
“What are you writing?” he asks, as Arashi almost jumps for joy when Tsukasa promises to ‘see what he can do’ about her jacket.
Leo glances up and smiles. Tsukasa is hurriedly clarifying how he hasn’t promised anything, while Arashi is distracted trying to wake Ritsu, who’s fallen asleep mid-meal.
“I’m writing a song for Sena, of course!”