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Chapter Text

Kamiki Hikaru sank down into the abyss. His black, starry eyes faded into oblivion as his final expression froze in place. I watched with grim satisfaction and relief as he vanished into the black hole below.

I had done it. This time, I was able to protect Ruby.

The crushing weight of guilt lifted from my soul. For the first time, I felt at peace, ready to embrace the end.

I could feel my strength fading from me. As I gradually turned to face the surface, I could see the rays of moonlight breaking through the waves. The full moon cast its ethereal glow, wrapping me in its embrace. I heard it singing a faint melody of love and affection as I gradually closed my eyes.

The muffled sounds of water and faint singing accompanied my last moments.

===

I awoke to find myself in a universe of unbroken light, a world without shadows or edges. The crushing pressure of the ice-cold December water was gone. I was now seated on solid yet invisible ground.

Everywhere I turned, the same endless expanse of white stretched into infinity. The horizon, the ground, and the sky. All of them were the same bright shade of white.

The empty canvas reminded me of one pivotal scene that I’d seen in a movie. Perhaps this was limbo, the afterlife? Was it my time to pass? Should I take a train onwards onto the stars and the sea?

I certainly didn’t remember this infinity the last time I had passed. I had taken the bullet train directly from death into heaven: the warmth of Ai’s loving embrace.

Ai…

I looked behind me, instinctively trying to see if I could find her. Maybe she was waiting to surprise me the entire time? Was this my gift after having lived two lifetimes of wandering and suffering?

Instead of Ai, I spotted someone much shorter in stature. It was the Crow Girl.

Her usual smug, disdainful smile was gone, replaced by a somber expression. Her outfit remained the customary all-black, ready to attend a funeral at a moment’s notice. Her silver hair shone with the same intensity as the moon.

She silently stepped towards me and crouched down to give me a hug. I could feel her warmth emanating through me.

“Thank you,” I murmured as she withdrew. “Thank you for granting me the chance to be reborn, to clear my regrets. I’m glad that I protected Ruby. I’m glad my life could finally serve a purpose.”

What was my life’s purpose?

From the moment Gorou was born, his grandfather would constantly remind him that his life was a recipient of his mother’s sacrifice.

Gorou thus made a vow to become a doctor to save lives. But what had that brought him? Sarina-chan, who couldn’t be saved. Ai, who couldn’t be saved. In the end, his medical training and degree only served to accentuate his regret.

Meanwhile, Aqua chased the shadow of revenge for over a decade. He manipulated and tore into the relationships around him. Ruby, Kana, Akane. He felt guilty for using them so ruthlessly to achieve his goals.

My search for purpose had broken down. But thankfully, Ruby gave me a chance. I could find my life’s meaning and repay my sins by sacrificing myself to protect her and her dreams.

In the midst of my ruminating, Crow Girl spoke up softly. “Do you believe your life only has value in sacrifice? Have you always been so eager to throw it away?

“I don’t take my life lightly. But I didn’t see any other choice when Ruby’s safety was at stake. Now, Ruby can reach for the stars, without the danger of Kamiki or burden of a murderer-brother to drag her down.”

I had considered other routes. Maybe Nino could have confessed to Kamiki’s crimes under my persuasion, or I could’ve worked with Akane to slowly bring Kamiki down. But I couldn’t sleep soundly at night knowing that Ruby’s life was in danger every day.

Crow Girl replied, “But what about Ruby? Didn’t you just leave her all alone in the world?”

I continued, “As for Ruby’s feelings, I know her heart. She overcame the burden of Ai’s death, while I was the one who fell into darkness. Her heart is strong and genuine. I’m certain she won’t break over my death.”

Crow Girl paused, as if disbelieving the naïve simplicity in my answer. She gazed at me with skepticism.

“For someone who’s lived two lifetimes with her, you don’t understand her heart at all, do you?” she retorted. “She was only strong because she had you.”

“Ai was someone she loved because she felt unloved. Ai was her solace, her escape from her mundane and hopeless world with no future. But when you came into her life as Gorou, you became her true-to-life idol.”

“For 18 years, Ruby was searching for you. You were her hope and her reason to keep living and smiling, even after Ai’s death. What do you think will happen if you die?”

I began to sweat. This was something I had considered. Right? Why was it bothering me now?

“She sees only the ghost of Gorou in me,” I finally managed. “Her love for me is shallow since I’m no longer Amamiya Gorou. Besides, she has the support of Miyako-san, Kana-chan, and Akane. She’s not alone in this world anymore.”

Crow Girl continued her assault in turn.

“You didn’t listen to her at all, did you? Or were you willingly deceiving yourself to justify the means? Ruby has been observing you for her whole life. To her, Amamiya Gorou and Hoshino Aqua are one and the same.”

“Both of you willingly shouldered the responsibilities of the world. Both of you ran around tirelessly to help people. You’ve always been looking after her. To Ruby, you’ve been her bedrock across both lives. For you to die means that she loses both her twin brother and her love.”

I couldn’t respond. As my self-doubt festered, the infinity of white suddenly began to bloom with color.

The dusky and grounded tones of earth and sky filled the horizon. Mountains in the distance arose from the earth. Withered grasses and small houses popped up below me, covered shortly by a layer of reflective snow. I was now sitting on cold, solid concrete.

I recognized this place instantly. This was the roof of the hospital in Miyazaki. I toiled for years here as a resident and then a full-fledged doctor. My fateful encounters here with Ai and Sarina-chan left a deep etching onto my soul.

“This is a projection,” she explained. “This world is illusory, but it’s my guess – the guess of a God – for what will happen in the future. Us gods use these projections to guide people towards their destiny.” I watched with a bated breath as the scene filled into life.

Next to me, the doorknob of the roof’s access door began to creak. A foot stretched out with caution. It was Ruby’s. Ruby. What was she doing here?

She walked with slow, tentative steps, unfurling her umbrella along the way to defend against the light snowfall. Her face revealed the weariness of the years that had passed. Eyes with dark bags, the mouth that never seemed to remember a smile. No, it couldn’t have been that long. She was still wearing her new-looking dark winter jacket she bought just last month. Was this the winter after my passing? Or the winter of my passing?

As she paced towards the fence, I followed in concert on her right. What was she thinking? What was she doing here?

She stopped and pondered for a moment. Her eyes swept back and forth across the rooftop.

Maybe she was remembering the times we shared together. Or maybe she felt bittersweet towards the only place she had known in her previous life.

Her umbrella fell to the ground, forgotten, as she reached for the fence with her trembling hands. The gentle snow clung to her hair and jacket. As she clambered upwards, she struggled with flailing arms to find her balance. Balancing on the narrow strip of steel, she turned to face me – or where I would have stood. Her gaze lifted, drawn to a lone star shimmering brightly through the clouds above.

“Ruby… what are you doing!??” My words shattered the quiet, but it couldn’t reach her. I tried to hug Ruby, but my arms passed through her and reached only air. She lived in a world that I was no longer welcome in.

“After you died, Ruby came looking for me.” Crow Girl’s words reached me with a sudden jolt. Her dark red pupils reflected my eyes of shock. “She spent her days traveling through every temple, talking to every crow, asking for my presence. She begged to know if your soul was still alive. Of whether you would be reborn.”

I stood rigid in disbelief. “What? Ruby did?”

I had never thought of her as a person who would cling to hope or fixate on the dead. I was the one who held onto revenge for a decade. I was the one who never stopped wishing that Ai could be saved or could be reborn. To think that she was just as obsessed with the past as I was.

Crow Girl continued.

“Now, for me to tell her a lie that you would be reborn. Ruby then spends the rest of her life searching for you. She becomes a top idol and then a top actor. She stays in the public eye so that you would know right away how to reach out to her.”

“But her eyes are always glancing around the audience, looking for a hint of your presence. She spends her free time trawling through her messages and fan letters, hoping that you would reach out to her. She spends her waking moments thinking that, with each passing day, she will age and have less time to spend with you.”

“On her deathbed, she realizes that I told a lie all along. Her rage was enough to burst her bed into flames and burn everyone around her.”

“Or, I could tell her the truth. That your soul collapsed and returned to the stars and the sea.”

“Is that really true?” I frantically pressed. “Can I never be reborn? Is she destined to die here?” Her words rang with a clarity that cleared my mind. I had been foolish. I had dangled my life as a tool for a sacrifice, but my sacrifice was worthless if Ruby were to die.

I had been driven by my emotions all along. No rational person would have made my choice. I could’ve simply murdered Kamiki and dealt with the consequences. I could’ve persuaded Ruby to give up her idol career. Anything, to make sure I could stay in her life. Where were my fifty years of accumulated wisdom? I was a complete and utter fool.

A sweet voice, laden with sorrow and longing, met my ear.

“Aqua… Sensei… Let us be reunited in the afterlife.” Ruby’s determined gaze met mine just for a second. She fell backwards with a quiet grace, as though expecting me to catch her and steady her once more. I lunged out, but my hands caught nothing once again.

I dived off the roof and leapt into the abyss with her.

The colors of the world gradually dissolved and formed a vortex, twisting and melting into indiscriminate streaks of gray. The gray faded into white as I found myself standing on an invisible ground. Ruby and the rest of the universe had vanished.

“Your destiny as Hoshino Aqua has already ended.” Crow Girl declared. “Thus, your soul must return to the stars and sea.”

I could hardly hear what she was saying. Was this what my life had come to? Were both of our lives destined to begin and end in tragedy? Had we been reborn only to suffer beneath the whims of this sadistic God?

The suffering I had endured was nothing compared to Ruby’s. Ruby endured a life built on fragile hopes – dreams of loving parents, a normal childhood after her cancer treatment, and a future filled with Ai’s warmth.

All this time, I wanted to protect her from the worst of it. I didn’t let her see Ai die because I knew that sight would haunt her memories. I never revealed to her my revenge plan until the end.

But to think that I would condemn her to hell. Tears blurred my vision, snot clogged my nose, and the world fell silent. The invisible ground rushed up to meet me. Was this truly the end?

===

After what felt like an eternity, I awoke curled in a fetal position. Crow Girl cradled my head in her lap, humming a tune. She smiled gently.

“To think you managed to move even the heart of a God,” she said, her voice soft yet resonant. “You deserve credit for that.”

I took a deep breath. I was still alive. Let’s think this through. If anyone could help me, it could be the Crow Girl - a God.  

“Your destiny as Hoshino Aqua has already ended.” She repeated. “But your destiny as Amamiya Gorou has yet to be finished.”

I paused to digest those heavy words.

She continued, “I cannot bring you back as Aqua. But with the help of another God, I can bring you back onto Earth as Amamiya Gorou. As the price, I must restore your soul to a state before you were reincarnated. In other words, you must give up all of your memories as Hoshino Aqua.”

A wave of disbelief and cautious hope washed over me. I had resigned myself to my death, but like a coward, I was unwilling to bear its consequences. What kind of horrible sinner was I? And yet, here was Crow God, offering another path to salvation.

My heart was elated as I considered the possibilities.

Her lips parted with brief surprise as I stood up abruptly from her lap. A sharp pulse of pain shot through my head as I forced myself upright. The rest of my body was still weak, but my voice rang out with confidence.

“I have let Ruby and everyone else down with my selfishness. Please, let me reincarnate once more!”

Crow Girl chided me.

“My, my, what a child. To think that the coolheaded Aqua could be so rash and bold.”

“But what of the consequences? Have you considered how Amamiya Gorou will react once he wakes up in a world that’s 20 years ahead, knowing no one, belonging nowhere? What if I told you that you might wake up as a middle-aged 50-year-old man?”

I was taken aback. I had indeed taken my youth for granted. I had hardly lived a day over thirty my previous two lives. What was it like to grow old?

All of my friends and colleagues were certainly gone or unrecognizable. No one I knew would remain at the hospital I used to work at. What would it feel like to be a ghost from the past?

Even still, this was something I could easily tolerate. “Even if I wake up as skin and bones, I can accept this. I won’t accept abandoning my sister, my friends, and Miyako-san!” The semantics or the details meant nothing to me. All that mattered was stopping Ruby from meeting hell.

Hoshino Aqua and Amamiya Gorou. I had no other choice but to put my faith in my past self.

We were two sides of the same coin. We shouldered the heavy burden of a haunted childhood. We suffered from the intense, random cruelty of the world. We shared the will to protect those around us, even at the cost of our time or sanity.

I didn’t need my memories to succeed. I was certain that Aqua’s accumulated will and determination would still reach me. The bonds that attached me to Ruby, Kana, Akane, and others could not be so easily broken. I would etch my destiny as Amamiya Gorou into stone, with my own hands.

“Thus, you have chosen your path. Good luck.”

As Crow Girl’s words faded, the world beneath me began to spin. I could feel vertigo beginning to overwhelm me. Her hands, an anchor in the chaos, caught mine as I sought to steady myself.

I could hear the final words of Crow Girl reach me as a faint whisper. “Farewell, Hoshino Aqua.” The blinding white light dissolved into pure darkness.

Chapter Text

“Ahh! This is unbearable!” Kana groaned, tugging at the fabric of her idol uniform. Even on a chilly day in December, she still sweat up a frenzy dancing and singing on stage. The full-length fabric had stuck to her skin like glue, chafing her shoulders and neckline with every movement.

But she felt like complaining more so because of her sour mood - she couldn’t catch a glimpse of Aqua in the audience.

I wanted you to see me shining like a star, she thought. I thought you would be there to cheer me on. I wanted to see you make a fool out of yourself waving around that white glowstick of yours.

In the changing room, Kana slipped out of her uniform into a more comfortable T-shirt and sweatpants.

“By the way, did any of you see Aqua?” Kana suggested casually to the group, as if it were just a passing thought she had.

“Nope. I was looking for him too in the audience!” Mem-cho replied.

Ruby remained silent. He wouldn’t have missed Kana’s concert for any reason, she reasoned. The fact that he wasn’t here meant that something big had come up. Like always, she would never get that explanation from him. He had always kept countless secrets from her.

But it was okay, as long as he was alive to serve as her idol.

===

Tired of waiting around for Aqua who was an obvious no-show, Miyako and B-Komachi decided to head back. The van ride back after the concert was quiet.

“That’s strange. I can’t contact onii-chan,” Ruby said. “I’ve tried calling him, but the call’s not connecting at all.”

“Maybe he turned off his phone because he’s in the middle of doing something important.” Mem-cho suggested.

Kana was in no mood to entertain them. Her state had already drifted off to that of frustration, incredulity, and betrayal. She would definitely give him a huge scolding when he came back, she thought.

To their surprise, when they arrived back at the Saito household, they found an unexpected guest sitting on their couch together with Ichigo.

“Akane-chan!” Ruby and Mem-cho cried out in joy and leapt to the couch as they hugged her. Kana remained impassive, standing a few feet away from the couch.

“Ruby-chan!! Mem-cho!! Kana-chan!! Your concert was lovely, I watched all of it!” Akane heaped on the praise with a lovely smile.

“Ehehehe!! It’s our last concert together, we wanted to make it a special one for senpai.” Ruby replied bashfully, glancing at Kana who was still behind her.

“By the way, where’s Aqua-kun? He said he’d be heading out to watch the concert in person.”

“Onii-chan was… well… He wasn’t there at the concert. I couldn’t get in contact with him afterwards. He wasn’t picking up my calls.” Ruby looked away as she tapped the tips of her fingers together repeatedly in embarrassment.

“Aqua-kun was… what?” Akane suddenly became alert. She whipped out her phone as she dialed Aqua’s number. “My call can’t be connected. Aqua-kun’s phone can’t be reached for some reason!”

“I don’t get it. This is so strange! Where could Aqu-tan be?” Mem-cho interjected. “I thought that he would be at the concert, supporting Kana-chan and Ruby!”

Miyako looked on with anxiety as she watched the teenagers fret around. She too had no idea where he could be, since she was rarely privy to his thoughts. She could only offer a few placating words of comfort to try and ease their mood.

Akane’s eyes darkened with intensity. Hikaru was the only villain left in Aqua’s revenge plan. But there was no way that Aqua would have gone to confront Hikaru. He had been trending towards forgiveness and moving on from revenge.

And yet - the stabbing incident earlier today had given everyone a huge shock.

Akane shivered as she remembered the crazed look in Nino’s eyes as she thrust the knife directly at her abdomen. Her jealously at Ruby had boiled over into unbounded insanity.

Did Nino act alone, or did Hikaru silently instigate her behind their backs?

Hikaru had been stoking Nino’s jealousy all this time, and he only needed to light the match for her to completely burn. It wasn’t a coincidence that Nino had suddenly shown up on their doorstep in their most pivotal day yet for B-Komachi.

Hikaru would have understood the significance of that day. He would have relished the opportunity to send off Ruby in the same manner that he sent off Ai.

In the end, Hikaru’s tentative words of reflection and forgiveness towards Ai couldn’t be trusted at all. He was too far gone to be saved. Aqua today must have reached the same conclusion as her and gone out to confront him.

But how did Aqua find Hikaru? Where were they now? Akane had no idea. She had no leads, and Aqua kept too many secrets from Akane.

Akane threw herself into action. The next number she called was emergency services. If she couldn’t find him, then the police could.

===

“Missing person report? And it’s only been 5 hours since you last saw him?” The police dispatcher’s tone was filled with impatience. “He might be just out drunk! Call back tomorrow, we’re busy here!”

The household was all huddled around Akane. None of them would have thought it was serious enough to warrant calling the police, but Akane was determined to get to the bottom of this.

“Akane-chan, do you think it’s a good idea to call the police? He’s only been missing for a few hours, after all. He’ll turn up eventually,” Ruby said quietly. Despite the tense atmosphere, Ruby still maintained an easy smile and an optimistic cheer. The Aqua she knew was reliable, after all.

Akane shot Ruby a frown to quiet her. She continued her pleading into the phone, twisting in a few lies to increase the urgency. “Please!! Aqua-kun is mentally unstable! He could be hurt already! We need to find him right away!”

“Mentally unstable, and you say he could be hurt?” The dispatcher appeared more receptive. “If him missing means he could be in danger, then we can bring in the detectives to assist.” Sure enough, Akane’s pleading was able to persuade the police.

“Do you have Hoshino-san’s cell phone number? If he carried his phone with him, we’ll be able to pull cell phone tower data to track his location.” The dispatcher explained.

The official investigation began in earnest. The group soon received a report that Aqua’s phone had been triangulated. It had traveled to a park overlooking Sagami Bay, an hour’s drive to the south of Tokyo. And then two hours ago, the connection with the phone was suddenly cut off. Local police were dispatched to the area to investigate.

Either Aqua had turned his phone off, or his phone battery had died. Or, maybe…

Akane’s mind flitted to the worst-case scenario. An image floated through her head of Aqua fighting with Kamiki. His phone, lost somewhere out in the the sea. The ocean water, bathed and reddened from Aqua’s blood.

“This can’t be,” she murmured quietly.

Her eyes began to water with emotion. Aqua looked so confident and full of life just yesterday. There was no way he would throw it away for the sake of revenge. He wouldn’t coldly leave everyone on Earth behind, would he?

“Akane, what do you think Aqua was doing around Sagami Bay?” Mem-cho asked. She watched guiltily as Akane struggled to gather her composure together. Mem-cho felt hesitant to probe but was desperate for answers.

“Ahhh, uh…” Akane croaked. But even now, the group looked to her for guidance. As the official ex-girlfriend and character sleuth, she was expected to know and have answers ready.

Akane continued slowly, “I think, he was there to talk with the film sponsor Kamiki-san.”

She didn’t elaborate further. Her voice was followed by an ominous silence. Everyone knew who the real identity of “Boy A” was, and how the movie placed judgement upon his head for Gorou’s and Ai’s death. It was mind-boggling how Kamiki was willing to fund the film at all.

“And to meet up around Sagami Bay? Must be a vacation destination, right? Great weather around Christmas. Hahahaha.” Mem-cho laughed nervously.

“We need to hurry and leave,” Miyako took charge. “We’ll try to find Aqua there. Let’s bundle up for the cold winter night. Ichigo, you can stay.”

Ichigo nodded. Ichigo needed to appear for police questioning early tomorrow morning. Akane, Ichigo, and Miyako had been planning to bring up the event of Nino’s attempted stabbing, but this was no longer an opportune time to do so.

The group set off for their long drive to the park.

By the time they arrived, the investigative team made some findings. They recorded a splattering of blood both on the outlook above and on the rocks below. Imprints on the outlook’s rocky sand suggested that there was a fierce scuffle. Aqua’s phone had presumably been lost to the ocean. And they found a phone powered on with the back glass recently shattered – Kamiki Hikaru’s.

Akane’s worst nightmare had come true. Aqua had fought with Kamiki. And Aqua was nowhere to be seen and likely underwater.

A rescue team was dispatched to comb the water and look for bodies or clues. Both Aqua and Hikaru were expected to be in the water or around the shoreside. But despite the calm wind and a clear full moon, the darkness still meant that it would be difficult to find anything until daytime.

The chance of Aqua surviving in the cold December water until now was close to zero. And there was no chance of him surviving into the morning.

The mood sunk from somber to desolate in an instant.

“Aqua, Aqua, AQUA. WHERE ARE YOU??” Kana shouted with frustration as her emotions boiled over. She had been holding back ever since the concert ended.

Earlier, she felt angry at Aqua for unceremoniously missing her graduation concert. But now she was filled with guilt for her misplaced anger. And frustration at Aqua for doing something so reckless.

“If I manage to find you alive, I’m going to slap you so hard that your soul comes out of your body!” She threatened.

“Let’s head to the outlook, everyone. We can get a good view of the surrounding water from here.” Miyako ignored Kana’s outburst and began giving directions. “We can also walk along the shoreside to try and cover more ground.”

As they walked along the shoreside road, they strained their eyes to look for a hint of a body. What they were looking for was a gleam of light, a break in the water, something that could turn their despair into hope. But despite their pleas, the water remained calm and unmoved, refusing to unchurn its secrets hidden deep underneath.

With everyone tired and unnerved, Ruby’s behavior still stood out the most.

“Ruby-chan, are you all right? You haven’t said anything. I’m all ears if you want to talk.” Akane’s words were tinged with concern.

Ruby didn’t bother to respond. Her starry eyes now shone dark with self-denial that enveloped her entire being.

She didn’t believe what she was seeing at all. Somehow, somewhere, her onii-chan would come back to her. She couldn’t imagine a world without Aqua in it.

After all, he was hiding behind a rock or holding his breath underwater, just waiting for the right moment to come out and surprise them. She just needed to look around for a bit longer.

As they walked and continued running their eyes over the ocean, the full moon continued its journey around the night sky.

Despite the adrenaline pumping earlier, everyone’s movements had became slow and sluggish. This was the longest day of their lives. Nino’s stabbing, the graduation concert, and Aqua’s search had together left them with no energy left.

“Let’s head back soon, everyone. The police are working full-time on the search, and they’ll cover a lot more ground than us. We need to rest for tomorrow.” Miyako gently reminded them of their state.

Ruby and Kana shouted together in defiance, “No!”

But their feet betrayed them. They stumbled as their feet blistered, and their legs began to give out. Miyako forcibly turned them around back to the van. The group was to catch a quick night’s sleep in the car and resume their search in the morning.

As dawn broke, their hopes of Aqua staying alive gradually faded like the darkness.

===

Akane was jolted from her nap with the jingling of her phone’s ringtone. Unexpected good news? Her heart pounded as she tapped the green button to answer. She immediately put the phone onto speaker mode.

“Is this Kurokawa-san?” A voice came out of the speakers.

“Yes, yes. This is Kurokawa Akane.” Akane replied hurriedly.

The rest of the van was roused awake. Everyone listened with rapt attention. Was this the dawn of hope they had been looking for?

The police continued, “We found a person who just washed up on shore nearby. He’s still alive. We’re sending him to the hospital now, but we would like someone from your household to try and identify him. Based on the pictures you sent, it doesn’t quite look like Hoshino-san or Kamiki-san, but we wanted to make sure.”

Akane’s heart beat up and down like a roller coaster. First intense joy, then harsh disappointment, and finally marked confusion.

What did this exactly mean? Who was this mysterious person?

“Could you describe him?” She replied uncertainly.

“He’s around 180 centimeters tall. He wears glasses, has black hair, and dons a white lab coat. He looks to be roughly 30 years of age.”

Ruby froze, her heart pounding on her chest. A white lab coat?

A memory of someone with infinite kindness and patience echoed. Someone who she had always kept in her mind, hoping and praying for a reunion.

His voice and face had been gradually merged together with Aqua’s present form, but now she felt that her memories were being reeled back to the past. His face was slowly unblurring back into view.

Ruby clenched her shaking fists in anticipation. She mustered her courage and piped up, “I’m Hoshino Ruby. I might know him. I’ll come over to take a look!”

“Please head over to the nearby police car then, Hoshino-san. We can give you a ride.”

Miyako offered gently, “Ruby, I can come with you to-”.

Ruby interrupted her. “Miyako-san, I can handle this by myself. You should keep looking for Aqua.” Her determined gaze and voice spoke of a newly formed steely resolve.

This was what Ruby had been looking for. Rather than resign herself to the fact that Aqua would have perished in the water, she chose to cling to hope. The description of the man she had received was beyond her wildest imagination, but she wouldn’t give up.

As Ruby exited the van, confusion and uncertainty abounded.

“Who was that person? Would Ruby really know her??” Mem-cho was the first to brave a word in.

“Ruby seemed really determined but the looks of things. She must be related to him one way or another,” Miyako observed. “But I’ve never seen her talk to anyone outside of her existing friends.”

“I don’t care who this mystery man is. I’m going out to keep looking for Aqua,” Kana flatly spoke. She was still in no mood to conversate. She couldn’t rest until she could find Aqua and then slap his face awake.

A gust of cold wind blew in as soon as Kana opened the car door. Kana shivered with the unexpected cold and slammed the door shut. Miyako exited as well, worried about Kana walking alone.

Akane held a contemplative look on her face as she remained sitting inside. White lab coat…

The setting of a white lab coat brought back memories of her trip together with Aqua.

She vividly remembered when Aqua talked about his past for the first time. Aqua had an old friend who served as a doctor. One of the few who had undoubtedly shaped his childhood.

This doctor was presumed dead from having gone missing for decades, but his corpse had reappeared deep inside a shrine during their visit. And this same doctor - Amamiya Gorou – was cast as Ai’s obstetrician in the Movie.

Akane’s heart began to race as she considered the possibilities.

Gorou fit the description of the mysterious man. Gorou was deeply intertwined with Ai’s and Aqua’s lives. This was one too many times to be a coincidence.

Akane had never considered the supernatural before in her thinking. She was always logical and rational in the way she analyzed people. And yet, against all reason, she wished that this could be a good omen for Aqua.

If this were really Gorou returning in the flesh, then she would forever hold hope for Aqua to return.

Chapter Text

The buzz of my pager continued to echo in my mind.

 Ai… Ai… I have to get to Ai to help deliver her babies.

The buzz faded and was replaced by the gentle beeping of a hospital monitor. I knew it. I fell in an accident and got sent to my hospital as a patient. How ironic was this? How was I going to face Ai after I promised her I’d be there?

This was embarrassing. I’d better get up as soon as I can. Maybe if I begged the doctor enough, I could still make it in time to see her twins. Hopefully my nurse friend doesn’t see me like this. Heavens knew what kind of opinion she already had of me.

My eyes opened to a kaleidoscopic blur of colors. Scratch that, this was the inside of a hospital room. Everything was mostly white. I saw a blur of white.

I don’t know what kind of injury I sustained, but it didn’t seem to impair my motor or cognitive abilities much. I seemed to be thinking and moving fine.

I squinted around for my glasses. It was located on my bedside table. I gently moved my hands to not disturb the electrodes attached to my chest while grabbing my glasses. I could finally see.

This was… definitely not the inside of my hospital’s patient rooms. The layout and structure were completely different from what I remembered. Was I in a newly constructed ward? Was my case serious enough that I got sent to another hospital for treatment? What the hell?

Wait, there was one other person in the room with me. She was sitting in a nearby chair and fast asleep. I glanced at her face.

My jaw dropped. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen.

Her gorgeous blonde hair draped well past her shoulders. It was clean and perfectly conditioned, just like Ai’s. Her small, cute nose and perfectly centered red lips decorated her face like a painting, just like Ai’s. Her eyes: they weren’t open yet, but from their graceful form and curvature, I imagined that they would look exactly like Ai’s.

She was lightly draped over the back of her chair, leaning a bit backwards. Her arms extended over the chair rest. Her skin revealed neither a single blemish nor flaw.

Her posture, even in that awkward sleeping position, spoke of a supernatural cuteness that I couldn’t find anywhere else.

I turned way from her. This was dangerous. If I stared at her any longer, I wouldn’t be a fan of just Ai anymore. I just had to hope that she wasn’t an idol or anything. Otherwise I would have to start splitting my loyalties.

But like a magnet, my gaze was inevitably drawn back to her. This wasn’t my fault or anything. Yes, that’s right. I had nothing to look at except for her.

I noticed her shirt next. It was a B-Komachi T-shirt. Being a die-hard fan and a doctor, I had enough income to buy all their merch and clothing. This was definitely a version I hadn’t seen before. The design and logo looked a bit different. Was this a Limited-Edition version I had somehow missed? Or merch from their early days before I became a fan?

Thank God, she’s probably not an idol. I definitely didn’t need to spend more money on going to concerts or time on watching Ai’s TV appearances. My patients would bear the burden of a lower standard of care if I converted into a full-time otaku.

And then I realized that I had no idea what she was doing here. Was she my long lost relative? A forgotten one-night stand? I didn’t want to make it awkward, but I wanted her to wake up so that she could start answering my questions.

Just on cue, maybe due to me rustling around the bed, she stirred awake. Her eyelashes fluttered open.

I was instantly transfixed by her open eyes. Both irises were adorned by a brilliant shade of ruby that shone like Betelgeuse in the night sky. Her pupils contained a presence that filled me with energy. Looking at her felt like she was cheering for me and me alone. I must’ve looked incredibly stupid with my mouth hanging open.

“Sensei? Aqua?” She prodded me tentatively. Her eyes wobbled.

I couldn't respond right away. I was still transfixed by her eyes. “Aqua? Sorry, I’m not sure if you have the right person here.”

“Sensei! It’s me, Ruby!”

I had no clue of how she was related to me. I knew her name now, but she still didn’t know mine. It really seemed to be a case of a mistaken identity.

“My name is Amamiya Gorou. Sorry, Ruby-san, you might’ve gotten the wrong person here.” I felt bad knowing that my connection with her could be short lived. She had a brilliance and sparkle to her that could rival Ai’s. I wouldn’t ever forget someone like her.

“Gorou-Sensei! It’s me, Sarina!”

She spoke with a desperation that caused her voice to quaver. She was honestly, earnestly trying to tell me something. And she shared the same name as Sarina-chan. I don’t know why she told me a different name earlier.

“I’m Tendouji Sarina!”

Her sentence had me floored. Was this girl pretending to be Sarina-chan? How did she know about her? I paused for a moment and started to open my mouth to ask. But I was interrupted.

“I used to be Tendouji Sarina in my previous life, and I’ve reincarnated as Hoshino Ruby! Sensei, I’m Sarina!”

This was her final cry of desperation, what she wanted me to hear all along. Tears started to earnestly stream down her face. I had a feeling that if I didn’t acknowledge her now, she would completely break.

“You’re… Sarina-chan?” I spoke with uncertainty.

That one honorific of affection was the acknowledgement she was looking for.

“Yes, I’m Tendouji Sarina! You talked about Ai with me! You bought B-Komachi tickets for me! You stayed with me until the end! I died 20 years ago, and then I was reborn as Hoshino Ruby!”

My eyes widened in recognition. I began to smile. “Sarina-chan. Sarina-chan!” I announced happily.

She couldn’t take it anymore. She leapt to my side and began banging and crying on my chest. She showed happiness, sadness, and maybe everything in between.

I allowed myself to cry. Was I dreaming? In the deepest recesses of my mind, I would dream of Sarina-chan. To see her banish cancer, grow her hair out, go back to school, and join a legendary idol group. But I didn’t allow myself to dwell, for I would only be heartbroken when I woke up.

Well… I didn’t know if she was an idol yet. But at least she was still as much of a B-Komachi fan as ever.

Wait. Going over her words again, why did she say 20 years?

The gears in my head began winding as my chest thumped. Was she lying? She died only 4 years ago, after all.

No, that’s not it. I could feel that this was Sarina. I believed her.

I looked around to try and find an explanation.

Was I in a long coma? I checked the back of my hands and touched my face with my fingertips. Still no wrinkles. I definitely hadn’t aged more than a day since yesterday.

Was this the future? I checked my patient monitor and the TV alongside the wall. Both looked sleek and ultramodern, models that I’ve never seen before. Even the bedside clock looked like it had come from a sci-fi movie.

What’s this stuff about reincarnation? Was this world still the same one in which I woke up yesterday?

Something was very wrong, because what she said about 20 years ago seemed to be right. I recalled my memories as I fell off the cliff.

At that moment, did I really die? Was I really reincarnated?

===

It took me ages to find my bearing. Sarina-chan pulled out her “smartphone” and showed me the web. Just looking at the phone alone was enough to convince me that I was no longer living in my present. An era had gone by without me even noticing it. I had gone missing and reincarnated almost twenty years later into the exact same body that I’d left.

And Ai… was dead. She had survived through the childbirth and delivered two healthy kids. But she was the victim of a targeted stabbing several years later. I mourned for her loss. I treasured my special connection with her as patient and doctor, idol and fan, giver and receiver of hope. She was my Oshi.

But I didn’t want to dwell on it yet in front of her. She was Hoshino Ruby, daughter of Ai. No matter what, my connection with Ai couldn’t have begun to compare with hers.

For me to wail loudly and express my deep mourning was for her to relive the same experiences again. I kept quiet for her sake and suppressed my emotions for now.

“So, Sarina-chan, what have you been up to for the last few years? You must be happy to finally have the chance to properly live out your life, right?”

It was taking some time to sink in the fact that I was talking to Sarina-chan. She was happy, she was healthy, she was whole. She smiled with a brilliant radiance that eased my soul. It seemed like there was nothing in the world that could trouble her.

Sarina replied. “I’ve been able to live out a normal life this time. I went to school, I’ve made friends, and I’ve been able to live freely. But you wouldn’t believe what I’ve been doing recently.” She tilted her head cutely and stuck a finger to her cheek, as if daring me to ask a question.

A feeling rose up within me, something that defied all logical instinct. “Don’t tell me… Sarina-chan, are you an idol now?”

Sarina affirmed. “That’s right! I’m an idol! But not just any idol. I’m a member of the new B-Komachi!!”

I gaped at her response. B-Komachi?? Was her shirt not just a fan shirt? She was actually part of B-Komachi?

“Not only that, but our group is now the real deal! I wanted to follow in mama’s footsteps. We started off as a rebooted underground idol group years back, but we worked hard and finished off with a concert yesterday at Japan National Stadium!” Sarina explained.

My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets upon hearing her declaration. Sarina-chan, an idol? Performing at the National Stadium? She was already a legend to me.

Right before I had died, I remembered her words: What if you were reborn as a celebrity’s child? These words must’ve flitted through her head, unceasingly day after day as the unachievable dream of her lifetime.

After her previous life of suffering and wishing to the void, God had finally listened to her and granted her paradise. It couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person.

“I’m really happy to hear that, Sarina-chan! I always regretted being helpless while watching you stuck in a hospital bed. Even if I had nothing to do with your reincarnation or stardom, seeing you happy and fulfilled is really the only thing I need in life.”

Sarina smiled at my declaration. “So, Sensei. What do you think of my new form? Do you think I look cute?” She stood up and twirled around like a ballerina. Her long, elegant hair followed her like flowing water. I was instantly mesmerized.

Was she asking whether the sky was blue?

“Sarina-chan, you’re cute.”

“That’s it? Call me cute again, Sensei.” She pleaded.

“Sarina-chan, you’re cute, you’re really cute.”

“More, more!” She whined.

“You’re really beautiful, Sarina-chan.” Even I couldn’t help but blush in embarrassment when I spoke.

 What were these cliched lines of dialogue? I felt like a second rate actor rehearsing lines off an internet script.

Forget it. These words worked as long as the other side liked you, after all.

“Sensei!! Marry me!” She dropped to my chest and gave me a hug. I could smell the scent of lilac on her hair.

I smiled. I couldn’t think of a good response against that one. I remember when I used to deflect that question by saying I’d consider in another few years. But had these few years already passed? Was it time to think of another excuse, or something else? I decided to table my thinking on this for later.

I searched for another question in my head to draw her attention away.

“Come to think of it, what about your brother, Sarina-chan? How is he doing?”

And with that sentence, her mood fell from heaven to hell in just an instant. All the emotions drained from her face. She held an indescribable look. A mixture of guilt, denial, sadness. As if she realized that her brother had just died.

I didn’t say anything stupid, right? Probably not. Aqua was alive, given I saw that Ai was survived by her two children when I briefly scanned Ai’s Wiki page.

Our conversation cut off abruptly to an end. A cloud had come over Betelgeuse and shrouded it from my sight.

She dropped back. After a long pause, Sarina-chan said quietly, “I’ll… I’ll tell you about that later. There’s been a lot that’s happened recently.”

After a few moments, Sarina seemed to recover as a she regrew a faint smile.

“But don’t worry, Sensei. It has nothing to do with you. By the way, how is your body doing, Sensei? Are you in pain?”

Her soft hands reached my right arm. She shook my right arm back and forth, checking to make sure that it was still attached to my shoulder.

“I’m feeling good,” I replied. “It’s like nothing happened to me. I could walk out of here right now.”

I rotated my free left arm and stretched my upper body around. No pain, no headache, no sign that I was deader-than-dead yesterday.

I didn’t know what to make of her previous statement. Had something happened to Aqua recently? Was it a coincidence that I was reincarnated at the same time? I wanted to ask questions, but it was clear Sarina wanted the topic dropped.

Just then, I heard the sound of knocking on my left. A nurse opened the door and entered the room with quick strides. Sarina reluctantly withdrew from my side as the nurse approached.

The nurse featured a kind face, brown hair with a ponytail, bangs in front.

“How are you feeling, Amamiya-san? It’s good to see that you’ve woken up properly.”  

“I feel great, refreshed. Like I’ve taken a long vacation from work.” I explained.

She laughed. “I’ll call the doctor over after I’m done with my evaluation. You seem to be in good shape physically, so if he’s happy with the checkup, you could get back to work by evening!”

I laughed as well. I had no work to get back to. I had missed my shift by 20 years. Of course, I didn’t want to ruin the nurse’s impression of me so I didn’t elaborate.

The nurse went through her general examination and symptom questionnaire. After she finished, she wrapped up my IV line and monitoring equipment. She parted and left Sarina and me inside the room.

“Come to think of it, Sarina-chan, how did I end up in the hospital?”

I was curious about why I was here. How did this reincarnation process work? I doubt I had dropped straight from heaven into the emergency room.

“Ah, uh…. You came from the ocean. You washed up on shore unconscious and were spotted right away.”

I raised an eyebrow. Well, that was quite convenient. The Gods were working their reincarnation magic under the ocean where there was no one around. And then they bid me adieu in a suitable location for rescue.

Sarina continued, “The police pulled me over and I identified you. I was a little surprised to see you, Sensei. You were a ghost from the past. You hadn’t aged at all from the last time we saw each other!”

“I’m glad I’m not too old, Sarina-chan. How do I look?” I pulled a bit of skin on my cheek to show her. “Do I look like I’m still thirty to you?”

“Sensei, you look cool! Definitely still thirty!”

I would have happily aged twenty years in exchange for having Sarina back in my life again. But God was gracious enough to give me a present without asking for anything in return.

“Was I wearing my lab coat? Do you know where it went?”

Next, I was concerned about my Ai keychain inside my lab coat. Sarina had given me that as her last present. It was my only physical symbol of her during all these years. I wouldn’t be able to meet her eyes if I told her I had misplaced it.

“You were wearing your usual lab coat, Sensei. It’s on your left.”

I looked and breathed a sigh of relief. My lab coat was folded neatly on the far counter, stacked on top of my other clothes. That was one worry off my plate.

“That’s the only thing I’ve ever seen you wear, Sensei. Do you feel out of place as soon as you’re wearing something else?” Sarina teased me.

I chuckled. “I have to always keep up appearances. I can’t have you call me Sensei if I’m not wearing my lab coat.”

In the meantime, I continued pondering about my situation. Something wasn’t adding up. Of all the people on Earth, how was Sarina the one who came over to identify me? She was the only one in the world who could have done so. My former friends and coworkers wouldn’t have remembered my face after all those years. Or rather, they wouldn’t have expected to see me ageless after two decades.

Not only that, but there was also no formal relation between Amamiya and Hoshino, so the police should have never asked her in the first place.

I had a feeling she was leaving out the beginning of the story. But I was stepping on tippy toes, trying to not ask anything out of line.

In the midst of my thinking, there was another knock on the door. The doctor had arrived.

He sported a middle-aged face, gray receded hair, and a professional-looking demeanor. His age seemed appropriate for him to have been one of my medical school classmates back in Tokyo.

“Welcome to the hospital, Amamiya-san. I hope the facilities are to your liking.” He said with a smile.

“I’ve never been more satisfied, Doctor.” I replied easily.

“I saw that you came in your lab coat. What hospital and field do you work at, by any chance?”

I looked sideways uncomfortably as I paused. I wasn’t sure how to answer, given my current situation as being unemployed and history-less for the last 20 years. I had to be quick on my feet to answer properly without drawing suspicion to myself.

“I’m working as an obstetrician at a hospital in Miyazaki prefecture.”

“Excellent, excellent.” Luckily, he sensed my vague discomfort and didn’t proceed further with small talk. “Let’s get the basics of your health out of the way.”

“Your body’s in perfect condition for someone who’s been floating around in the December water. No traces of hypothermia whatsoever, not even mild. Health-wise, your body’s not under concern. We’d just like to make sure your mental faculties are in good shape.”

“Now, do you remember what happened prior to you entering the water? Or why you ended up unconscious? We ruled out a concussion based on the nurse’s earlier tests, so we’re checking for signs of any amnesia.”

I swallowed. Now that I had learned about my situation, it would be beneficial for me to leave the hospital quickly. The more investigating they did, the more strange discrepancies they would find. I needed to give answers that alleviated his concern.

I glanced at Sarina as I mentally prepared my answer. I definitely didn’t remember anything. Answering truthfully about my reincarnation might put me into a mental ward instead. She mouthed back at me, “Make something up.”

I replied, “I remember pushing my swimming ability a little too much. I may have fallen unconscious while trying out a new stroke.”

The doctor tilted his head a little, as if he was a bit flummoxed at my response. He responded, “Got it. Do you any trouble remembering events earlier from before you swam?”

“My memory seems to be good. I remember that I had a banana for breakfast. I went shopping in the afternoon, and I headed to shore in the evening for swim practice.”

My smushed banana brain came up with a terrible lie. Heading to the December ocean in the middle of the night to swim?

“Well, it seems like your memory is still intact.” The doctor continued as if he saw nothing wrong with my story. He filled out his checklist and continued asking perfunctory questions. I had somehow passed. But answering affirmatively soon turned out to be a trap.

“I think we can discharge you as soon as this afternoon. But before you leave, there’s a police officer who would like to ask some questions and take your statement. Would he be able to interview you?”

The doctor just dropped a bombshell. I wasn’t going to be able to escape just yet. Sarina quivered in a gesture of visible surprise.

I had no idea what to do. What on Earth should I tell the police? That my body took a rest stop in heaven for the last twenty years?

Maybe I could just claim to have lied to the doctor about my amnesia, and I couldn’t recall any recent memories. That should cover any awkward questions I would have to answer.

After all, I was a victim and not an offender. In that case, they shouldn’t be suspicious of me at all. They were probably just trying to help me out.

I recovered my confidence as I answered the doctor, “Yes, I can take questions from the officer.”

The doctor then bade me farewell and left the room.

As soon as his footsteps faded away, Sarina moved to my side in a frantic hurry. Her face was only a foot away from mine.

“Sensei, sensei, this is bad!”

Her adorably expressive eyes were round with concern.

This was bad? While talking to the police wasn’t ideal, I think they had no reason to treat me with association of any crime. Just a quick interview and I would be free.

“What do you mean, Sarina-chan? The police just want to understand my situation. I was just an irresponsible swimmer. It should be fine!” I replied.

“No, Sensei! It’s just that…” Her voice trailed off as she considered.

Sarina continued. “Your situation could be a little complicated, Sensei. There’s more to it than just you washing ashore in the middle of the night.”

Hmm? This was news to me. As far as the police knew, this was just a simple story of rescuing a foolish swimmer and them giving a scolding afterwards.

Sarina withdrew. As time continued to pass, I saw a cold, calculating look creep its way up onto her demeanor. Her brow was furrowed with thinking. Her expression reflected a level of seriousness I had never seen from Sarina-chan. Her bright, bubbly side seemed to be a memory from a distant past.

Sarina turned to face me. Her eyes gazed directly into mine. There was a level of coldness emanating from her. Not directed towards me, but seemingly towards the world.

“Sensei, this is going to be your cover story to the police.”

I could see a hint of darkness in her starry eyes for the first time.

Chapter Text

Sarina explained, “Your identity is to be family friends with my family – Satou Miyako, Hoshino Aqua, and me. I’ve already described to them as such when I met you at the hospital.”

“As for why the police might be suspicious…” Sarina paused. “Yesterday, my brother Aqua met with another man called Kamiki Hikaru at a park next to the ocean. There was a sign of a fight between them, and both were thought to have fallen in the water. Neither have been found yet.”

So this was it. This was the truth behind Aqua. This was much worse than what I had speculated based on Ruby’s hint. He was almost certainly dead.

I held her hand gently as she continued with a well-modulated voice.

“Since you washed up in the same area, the police must think that you were involved in the dispute as well. Doubly so because you were a family friend to us.”

“If they ask for specifics of what happened yesterday, just pretend that you had amnesia and couldn’t recall any events.”

Unbelievable. This was a lot to take in. Sarina had hidden the truth from me, probably to keep me happy and to keep herself distracted from grief. But now that the police were breathing down our backs, she was forced to spill her hand.

And Sarina said this all with a level voice and unbroken eye contact. As if she were reading off the script to the evening news.

I tried to make sense of Sarina’s tragic family.

Sarina’s mother was gone. Sarina’s brother was gone. Sarina father wasn’t mentioned by her at all, so he must’ve been a deadbeat or completely hidden, just like my own father.

This was just her current life - I didn’t need to go into any details about her previous life because I remembered it vividly.

Everything in both lives had been taken from her. She had absolutely nothing.

Where should I even begin? I wasn’t a psychologist. I couldn’t fathom the grief or emotions she must have been going through. And just a few minutes ago, I was jumping up and down with her as if nothing were wrong.

I had to start with something simple. I reached out for her hand and held it gently. “Sarina-chan, it’s been hard on you, hasn’t it? If you need a hand or an ear, I’ll be here to support you. I’ll always be by your side, just like last time we were together in the hospital.”

Sarina didn’t acknowledge me like I expected. Her face was expressionless as she continued staring at me with her eyes now unfocused.

“Sarina-chan? Sarina?” I gently squeezed her hand. It seemed that she had gotten lost for a minute.

“Sarina-chan? I’ll be here for you, you know. Always by your side.” I repeated again.

Yikes. Maybe I should have let her process things. I could have given her space to think. I didn’t need to force my words of support onto her. I messed up.

A flicker of realization seemed to dawn on her mind.

Sarina’s face broke from her impartial demeanor. Her eyes widened and started swelling with tears. A waterfall freely coursed her face. Her left and right hands tightened over my hand like a vice grip. She was squeezing hard.

“Sensei… you liar! You complete liar!!! Don’t go and ever do anything by yourself, you hear? You can’t leave me!”

Her shouted words of denial stunned me. This wasn’t at all what I expected to hear from Sarina.

I lied? No, I’ve never broken any promises to her before. Was she was talking about how I managed to get myself killed before she reincarnated as Ruby?

She must’ve been shocked to read the news of my disappearance while growing up. She must’ve kept searching for me to see if I were still alive. And she had finally found me, but at the cost of her brother’s life.

I felt guilty that I had been so careless. I swore to myself that this time, I would stay alive. I would help her through this trauma. I would stay by her side and guide her.

What was the best way to acknowledge her feelings and calm her down?

“I’m sorry that I was careless, Sarina-chan. I won’t let myself get killed again.” I then made a light joke. “I’ll be more careful this time around weird strangers.”

Her voice cracked as she screamed, “YOU LIAR!!! YOU LIAR!!!”

“Sarina-chan… I swear!” I had missed the mark entirely.

“You – you lied to me, Sensei. I can’t. I can’t believe you … NO!!”

I was having trouble hearing her words clearly. Her voice was laden with sobs and pauses in between.

“Sarina-chan… I really do mean it.” My voice ran quiet near the end as my confidence faltered.

I felt that my words, rather than calming her down, had unleashed her inner madness instead. She was inconsolable.

Even at the end, I didn’t know what she meant. Had I really lied? Did I really break Sarina’s trust like that? I was just trying to offer help.

Sarina’s face dropped onto my chest. A steady stream of tears rolled from her face onto my hospital gown. Her tears soaked through the gown and wetted my chest. For some reason, I felt that the tears were imparting guilt onto my soul.

Her grief and agony was laid bare for me to see. I felt helpless to stop her from descending into darkness.

I didn’t know what to do. I was confused. I could only use my left hand to continue patting her head to try and calm her down. I didn’t dare say anything else in the fear of making things worse.

She laid there with her entire weight resting on my chest, her back heaving and quivering with sobs and deep breaths.

===

After what seemed like hours, the quivers gradually subsided. Sarina pulled back. Her entire face was still flushed red, while tears clung around her eyebrows like morning dew on a flower.

As she crouched down onto the floor, her eyes looked upright to peer up into mine. Her ruby eyes were filled with a precious vulnerability. She felt like a gem that could shatter with a single touch.

“Sensei, you have to promise me.”

She regained her voice. Her warm hand reached up to meet with mine. Her right pinkie gradually intertwined with my own.

“Pinkie swear on it, or I will haunt you even in heaven. Pinkie swear that you will always stay by my side.”

I smiled uncertainly. I hadn’t been expecting this at all. Was just a pinkie swear enough to placate her? I was prepared to kneel for 3 days and nights to show my resolve and beg for her forgiveness.

“Alright, I pinkie swear on it, Sarina-chan. I’ll always stay by your side and support you.”

She paused, as though she were still deciding on something else. She bluntly replied, “I don’t trust you, Sensei. Give me your left hand as well.”

Ouch. I guess one pinkie swear wasn’t enough. What did I do to earn her mistrust like this?

I slowly extended my left hand and matched my pinkie with hers.

“Then it’s a double pinkie promise, Sensei. There’s no breaking it.”

Her shoulders dropped back down and the tension she held on her face lifted. Whatever sadness or invisible weight she carried before had been relieved. Was Sarina at peace? Had she cleared her doubts and made up her mind about believing my promise?

I leaned over with my arms extended to go in for a hug. I wanted to comfort her and feel her gentle presence as proof of our promise. I wanted to reassure her and let her know that my words weren’t empty.

As I approached, Sarina stiffened up. Her eyes blinked in surprise while her mouth revealed the slightest grimace to the side. She stayed unmoving and unyielding to my plea.

I felt a stab in my heart as I took note of her minute expressions. So forgiveness wasn’t this easy, after all.

But just as I was about to lower my arms, Sarina threw herself back onto me. It seemed that she had spent the second earlier deciding whether to still be mad at me or not.

Her warm arms wrapped around my back tightly, as if she were trying hard to prevent me from escaping. I could feel her heartbeat strongly through her clothes. It felt like a desperate rhythm of relief and happiness. I was sure mine was also pulsating with the same rhythm too.

We laid there for a minute, doing nothing and saying nothing. Her heartbeat told me everything I needed to know about her feelings. We warmed each other up in the middle of the coldest winter of our lives.

As we finally withdrew from the hug to give breathing space for our lungs, I could see a refreshed smile on Sarina’s face.

===

We finished discussing our roles and plan. We sat in silence as we waited for the officer to approach. I took this moment to get out of bed, stretch my legs, and walk around. I had been sitting upright on the hospital bed for an hour.

I took a peek outside the window. We were sitting on the fourth floor. I could make out the dull, withered grass and naked trees dotting the green space outside of the hospital. There was a rocky cliff that reminded me of my previous demise. This brought me to…

Hikaru Kamiki. He was the father of the family and Ai’s hidden lover. As Sarina explained to me, he was the one responsible for my death, Ai’s death, and now Aqua’s. I thought that I would be filled with indignation upon hearing this, but all I could feel was sadness.

The Hoshinos were a tragic family. Sarina was the only one who was now still alive.

I had no way of taking on revenge. The culprit was dead, after all. The only ones who would be affected now would be the living.

I glanced at Sarina. She was also staring outside the window.

What was she thinking now? She had no real family left. How could she find the strength to move on from this cruel, despicable world?

Sarina caught my glance. She tilted her head and then stuck out her tongue a little bit from her lips.

??? That was too cute!

Okay, well, I had no idea what she was thinking about. But definitely not the same thing as me.

My meandering thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door.

After a moment of preparation, I announced, “Come in.” My heart was ready.

A kindly looking police officer entered the room. He sported round glasses, honest eyes, and a respectful demeanor as he approached us.

He took a deep bow as he opened his mouth.

“Hello, I’m detective Yamada from the Kanagawa prefecture police department. First of all, I would like to offer my deepest apologies to you, Ruby-san and Amamiya-san. We still haven’t been able to locate Aqua-san. Rest assured, our rescue teams are working around the clock to try and find him.”

This was not the opening gambit that we had expected. He appeared humbled and ashamed of not being able to deliver any news of Aqua.

I glanced over at Sarina. I thought she would look crestfallen upon hearing the news, but her expression remained neutral.

She bowed in return. “I understand that you are doing all you can, officer. I have full faith and confidence in your ability.”

The officer responded, “We will send you updates as quickly as possible. We expect to have all of the target areas searched by the end of the day. If Aqua-san is still on the water, we will have news of him shortly.”

The officer then turned to me and bowed again. “Thank you for having taken care of the Hoshino family all this time. It is my regret that we did not raise our suspicious of Kamiki-san earlier. Otherwise, this incident could have been completely avoided.”

Hang on. I thought this officer had come to interrogate us, not apologize. Why were we already cleared of suspicion, while Kamiki was the one with the sights pointed at him?

The doubts and wonder must have shown up on my face.

The officer hurriedly explained, “We received intel from our police counterparts in Tokyo today. According to them, there’s a related suspect in custody called Niino Fuyuko who has confessed to multiple crimes, including many performed in close collaboration with Kamiki-san. Apparently, she confessed right after hearing the report of his likely death.”

“You don’t need to worry about anything at all, Amamiya-san. We just need a quick statement from you about the day’s events, and then you’ll be free to leave.”

Niino Fuyuko? Nino from B-Komachi? Unbelievable. She was their former center and star, the prettiest among the girls next to Ai. She had somehow turned into a serial killer along with Kamiki. Did everyone take crazy pills during my twenty year hiatus from Earth?

Nonetheless, the noose hanging over my neck had disappeared thanks to a lucky break. Relief washed over my face like a river starting to flow again after the spring rains. I likened the officer’s kind eyes to that of a savior instead of a hunter. I was free.

Afterwards, I quickly recounted my best understanding of the day’s events to the officer. I still stuck with the story of having amnesia from that day, but my responses seemed enough to satisfy him.

After he wrapped up the quick interview session, the officer headed to the door. He turned around to face us and gave us one last bow.

“Ruby-san, my younger daughter is actually a huge fan of you and B-Komachi. If I can’t find Aqua-san, I don’t know if I’ll be able to look her in the eyes anymore. So I will not rest and I will give the search my all.”

Sarina gave him a kind, gentle smile of understanding. “Officer, there’s no need to push yourself. I believe Aqua’s soul has already entered the ocean and is at peace. There’s plenty of time for the search. You should at least return home in time for dinner.”

The officer kept sputtering in his reply. “But… Aqua might be… Well… we must at least find Aqua’s body.”

He must have braced himself as the unwelcome news giver and expected to comfort Sarina. But Sarina was far stronger and gentler than he had ever thought.

Sarina reached for her bag and started rummaging through it. “Officer, do you have something that you want signed? You could give it to your daughter as a present.” She pulled out a vivid red marker.

He choked. “Um… ah… I couldn’t possibly ask anything of you.”

Sarina remarked, “What about your cap?”

“I’m afraid not. I’d get in trouble with my boss if it were signed.”

“At least let me sign the inside then so that no one can see.”

Sarina signed the white inside of the cap with a flourish. She gave a smile as she handed it back the officer.

The officer bowed deeply again. “I will remember your kindness forever, Ruby-san.” He looked to be nearly in tears as he exited.

As the officer exited, Sarina turned and raised her eyes at me. Her lips were slightly upturned. What could possibly be her current mood? I didn’t understand at all how she could be happy.

She looked like she was expecting a question from me. Did she want to brag? I let the silence linger on for a couple seconds until I was confident of continuing.

“Sarina-chan, you really are famous now, aren’t you?” I finally asked.

I was straight on. She gestured at me with a V sign with her right hand. “That’s right! I’m a famous idol now, just like mom after all!”

Sarina continued. “Making people happy is what I do! I want the officer to smile after he leaves. His daughter will also remember and treasure that cap forever.”

Sarina was too selfless… even two hands wouldn’t have been enough to stop my imaginary tears from reaching my cheek.

“Sarina-chan, that signature of yours looks really cute.” I recalled the flourish of the ink and the beautiful cursive. The signature reflected Sarina’s bright personality well. It was so much like Ai’s.

“Sensei, thank you! I was thinking about how to design it, and in the end I came up with something like Mom’s.”

I ribbed her a little bit. “So do you always keep your pen on hand with you? You just wanted to show off your signature to me, didn’t you?” I said with a smile.

She laughed and made a mock guilty face as if she had been caught. I’m sure she was thinking about her signature even when she was still stuck as old Sarina in the hospital, dreaming of idols.

===

Come to think of it, what should I be doing after I get out? I hesitated as I stopped just past the entrance of the hospital that marked the first steps of freedom.

I was once part of the world, but the world wasn’t thrilled to welcome me back. I had no job, no proper identity, and nowhere to go.

My wallet, phone, and badge were all missing from my lab coat. When I asked my nurse if they knew the status of any of my missing items, she shook her head blankly. The only material thing I possessed right now was Sarina’s precious Ai keychain.

I tapped my keychain through my chest pocket for a sense of comfort. I had pulled out the keychain earlier when I was changing back into my lab coat.

For some reason, the keychain looked yellowed and worn as if it had taken quite a beating in the salt water. Yet my lab coat was still good as it was yesterday. That was strange.

Meanwhile, I hadn’t talked to Sarina about my post-hospital plans at all.

I glanced at Sarina like a chick looking at its mother. She seemed to sense my hesitancy at the exit and smiled at me encouragingly.

“You’re coming with me, Sensei!” She dragged my right hand out and continued her pace.

Upon leaving the patient room, Sarina had donned sunglasses, layered on a thick coat, and added a cute beanie covering her beautiful blonde hair.

She was now incognito, ready to pass off as any other Tokyo socialite hiding from public attention. But to me, her brilliance simply couldn’t be contained.

Sarina hailed a taxi from the waiting area. We boarded and headed for the park bordering the ocean. Her hand remained holding onto mine.

“Sarina-chan, why are we heading back towards the park?” I asked.

“Ah… We’re heading back to see my family and friends. They’re still out there searching for Aqua. I let them know that I was heading back. I want them to meet you.”

This felt uncomfortable for me. I had just met Ruby, whose appearance up until today was a stranger’s to me. And then I would be meeting several more strangers afterwards?

I doubted that I knew these folks from my previous life. This was also not a good time to meet them. They were likely still searching and grieving over Aqua. I was a stranger in their eyes who had deeply intruded into their most personal moment.

“Let me know their names then.” I wanted to prepare myself beforehand.

Waiting for us was Saito Miyako, Kurogawa Akane, Arima Kana, and Mem-cho. I spent a few minutes committing their names into memory. Miyako was her foster mother, Kana and Mem-cho were her B-Komachi idolmates, and Akane was Aqua’s friend.

As we approached closer to the park, I could feel her hands clam up as if she were quite nervous.

I motioned to let go since my fingers were turning a little numb from her grip. Sarina shook her head in refusal. She held on tightly, perhaps afraid of being separated from me again.

“Sensei, there’s no leaving again. Do you hear me?” She whispered quietly. I shuddered. Had Sarina turned into a yandere?

“Sarina-chan, your hands are a little sweaty.” I tried to offer a vague explanation for trying to let go.

“That’s the rudest thing I’ve heard all day, Sensei! Hmph!” She snorted and turned her head away from me as if she were a bit angry.

I laughed in embarrassment. “Sorry, I said something stupid. I’m a bit nervous as well to meet with your friends.”

Her face softened. “They’re nice people, Sensei. You don’t have to worry about it. I just hope that they’re taking the news of Aqua okay.”

As we arrived at the destination, I saw an empty police car along with a van dotting the parking area. I saw a colorful array of hair colors occupying the seats in the van, but I couldn’t make out their individual faces. So this was it. This was Ruby’s new family and friends.

The taxi stopped a few car lengths away from the van. I summoned my courage, took a deep breath, and stepped out of the taxi and into the cold. Sarina followed shortly afterwards.

The occupants of the van began moving as I exited the taxi. I could hear the click of the van’s doors unlock and open simultaneously. Facing me were the four people – Miyako, Akane, Kana, and Mem-cho. I could now recognize them based on their distinct hair colors.

All of them looked at me with gazes of burning expectation and curiosity. What had Sarina told them about me? She must’ve given them a reason for why I was accompanying her back to her friends and family.

“I’m Amamiya Gorou, Ruby’s friend. Please take care of me!” I bowed my head at them. Whoops. I got too nervous and should have let Sarina introduce me instead.

“So, Ruby, why did you bring this man back? What does he have to do with Aqua?” Kana, the maroon red-haired one, was the first to speak. She ignored my greeting and directly cut to the chase. Her voice reflected pure impatience.

Sarina couldn’t quite meet her eyes. Her hands were finagling with each other behind her back. She now looked so nervous that she could hardly speak.

“Sarina-chan, I could help explain my situation.” I offered. I would offer up my past how regarding how I knew Sarina in my previous life, and my subsequent reincarnation. I trusted her friends.

“Sarina-chan?? Who are you? Why are you calling Ruby Sarina-chan?” Kana turned her glaring eyes on me. I gulped. I had already messed up with my second sentence.

I had plenty of experience dealing with angry and distressed patients as part of my job, but this time, it felt raw and personal. I no longer had the veil of professionalism and scientific objectivity to hide behind. This was my life.

Sarina managed out quietly, “It’s fine now… we don’t have to keep looking for Aqua anymore. I know what happened to him.”

“What? What happened to Aqua? What do you mean? How do you know?” Kana loaded up a Gatling gun of questions, one after another.

Sarina struggled in silence. She kept opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish. Her head remained face-down.

“Ruby. Talk. You’re not saying anything.” Kana badgered her.

Miyako thrust her arm in front of Kana, pushing her slightly back. Kana was almost in front of our faces before I had known it.

“Kana-chan, calm down. Give Ruby a chance to speak first and explain herself.”

Sarina looked towards me. Her eyes reflected fear and uncertainty. Was she about to drop our secret? I nodded and smiled to let her know that it was all okay.

Sarina directed both of her arms towards me, one towards my head and another towards my foot. She then closed her eyes, as if she didn’t want to hear the words she was just about to shout.

“Everyone, this is Amamiya Gorou, the man that was rescued from the sea! Gorou originally died twenty years ago, and his soul and memories were reincarnated into Hoshino Aqua. When Aqua died just yesterday, his soul was reincarnated back into Amamiya Gorou.”

“Basically, Hoshino Aqua came back to life as Amamiya Gorou!”

Everyone’s jaws dropped onto the floor.

I used to be… Hoshino Aqua?

Chapter Text

Everyone suspended their disbelief for a second as Ruby laid out her fantastical story.

I was caught off guard. I used to be Hoshino Aqua?

Not that I should have been in a state to be surprised by anything. Reincarnation by itself was already a fantastical scenario. I was still having trouble acknowledging that I was alive, breathing, and magically transported 20 years into the future.

But… I started thinking about what had happened and the small clues that Sarina offered.

Aqua had died and I had been reborn on the same day, with our lives intermingling in the sea. I had noticed the coincidence before but didn’t make the explicit connection. That alone was the smoking gun.

There were other smaller puzzle pieces that fit.

If my reincarnation was independent of Aqua’s death, then why specifically reincarnate after twenty years? I doubted the Gods had a convoluted long-term plan in place.

In addition, my yellowed Ai keychain had shown its wear of years of extra history. Did my keychain find its way back to Aqua somehow, and did he die with it?

Lastly, I trusted Sarina completely. What Sarina said must be true. I was Aqua, and Aqua was me. The only problem was… my completely missing memories.

“So, is it true?? Are you Aqua-kun? Do you remember us, Aqua-kun?” Mem-cho braved her doubt and extended a finger of reconciliation to me.

I studied her as hard as I could. I looked over her bleached blonde hair, clip-on horns, cute face, and distinct voice. Trying hard to wring out that hidden section of my brain. Mem-cho. Mem-cho. Mem-cho. Ironically enough, maybe I really had severe amnesia after all.

But my efforts were in vain. If I didn’t remember Ruby, who I had spent my entire childhood with, there’s no way I would’ve remembered anyone else.

I shook my head at her. “Sorry, it seems that I really can’t remember anything.”

Mem-cho looked crestfallen.

Sarina voiced out something I could barely hear. “This time, it seems like he can’t remember anything from when he was Aqua. He only has memories from his first life now.”

Kana looked skeptical. “So you’re saying he got reincarnated the first time and kept his memories. The second time, he conveniently lost them?”

Sarina couldn’t form a rebuttal. Deep inside, she was probably wondering the same thing.

“This is bullshit.” Kana’s attack was short and direct. “Ruby, I don’t know what the hell you’ve been listening to from this man. But he seems to be a master con-artist. In the span of less than a day, he managed to convince you of this?”

Aqua and Ruby had definitely hidden their reincarnation from their friends. But now it was biting them because nobody believed their story.

Sarina cried out. “Senpai! It’s really true, he’s not a liar! I knew him from before so that’s why I recognized him!”

Sarina pushed me out in front of Kana. “During our filming trip in Miyazaki, we found his dead body behind the shrine! He’s back and now alive! This is Amamiya Gorou!”

I opened my eyes in shock. So I had a dead body after all… and it was in Miyazaki?

Kana looked at me with a face of disgust as if she were looking at a rotting corpse. She took a couple paces back from me.

Akane entered the conversation. She held Kana’s back and prevented her from retreating further. “I think Ruby-chan might have a point here, Kana-chan. Let’s keep listening to her.”

Kana started overheating with anger. Her face was flushed, her lips were drawn in a sneer, and her voice was layered with mockery.

“I don’t know why any of you are receptive to this reincarnation at all. Are you so tired of searching that you’re willing to give up and accept this man’s drivel as truth to comfort yourselves?”

Akane plead by her side, “Ruby-chan is telling the truth here. At the very least, I believe this is Amamiya Gorou! The same Amamiya who was Ai’s doctor from the movie!”

Kana replied, “Ruby and this so-called Amamiya are asking me to believe in fairy tales. To believe that reincarnation exists, that it exists in such convenient form for our comfort, and that memories are sometimes transferred but not always.”

“By the way, I don’t even believe that Aqua’s dead.”

She pointed her glare at me and continued drilling. “Okay then, Amamiya. If you’re really Amamiya Gorou, show me your ID. Give me some proof.”

I instinctively patted my pants pocket for my wallet, but it was empty. I pulled out Sarina’s Ai keychain and flashed it at Kana with a weak smile.

No dice. She continued in her flat voice. “How convenient that you don’t have it. Not a shred of fact checking available, and you’re asking for pure faith. I’m not buying it. Stop wasting my time with delusions. I’m going to keep searching for Aqua.”

Before she left, she turned around and threw one final haymaker at Sarina.

“By the way, Ruby. Aren’t you the one who’s supposed to be searching the hardest for your brother? I thought you loved him more than anything else in this world. But here you are, already giving up. I feel sick looking at you.”

She stalked off from our group circle.

“Senpai, please wait! You have to listen! Here, let me show you what Amamiya Gorou looks like!”

Sarina pulled out her smartphone and typed something in. She then took off after Kana with a dash.

Sarina tried to put a hand on her shoulder to slow her down. Kana didn’t even bother to look at the screen. She waved off Sarina’s hand like it was a housefly and sped up her pace to escape. Sarina fell behind, drained of energy and morale.

Miyako started to move after Kana as well. Mem-cho held her back.

“Let me accompany Kana, Miyako-san. Please look after Ruby to make sure she’s okay.” Mem-cho sped off to catch up to Kana.

… So Sarina’s friends were nice people indeed, it was true. But the statement was tinged with irony. They were nice towards Aqua, not me.

It could have gone worse, since Akane seemed receptive to Sarina’s explanation. But the rest of the group seemed skeptical. Miyako was glaring daggers at me. If Ruby weren’t her daughter whom she wanted to support, then I’m sure she would’ve joined the verbal flogging as well.

But, why had Sarina wanted only until now to tell me of Aqua? Why didn’t she mention anything about her own reincarnation? This could have gone so much better with some preparation.

I had no idea what she was thinking. Maybe she had too much trust in her friends to believe whatever she said.

===

Miyako, Sarina, Akane, and I strapped up in the van. We were going back to Tokyo to get some rest. Sarina had pleaded Miyako to stop the search and Miyako had relented.

The group needed rest, after all. Everyone had bags under their eyes. It was better to leave the search to the police.

Given Mem-cho and Kana had plenty of money and this was still a well-populated area, these two would have no problem finding a hotel or getting food. Mem-cho messaged Miyako that everything was fine, and that Kana was continuing to stalk the shoreside.

As for what I was doing next… well, I had no idea, and Miyako didn’t bother asking me. I was fortunate enough that she was willing to give me a ride in the van.

As I entered the van, I laid my eyes across the cabin. I could see scattered 7-Eleven bento boxes, plastic bottles, and plastic bags everywhere in sight. It seemed nobody had properly slept or eaten since last night. The van had a slight lived-in odor that needed to be aired out.

I felt guilt. All of this was because of me. They had been searching to death for Aqua.

The ride back was quiet. Miyako was driving in the front with Sarina accompanying her. I sat in the far back, while Akane sat a row ahead of me. I could hear the frequent sound of raised voices coming from the front. I felt too awkward to talk, so I just wanted to let the road noise drown everything out.

My thoughts drifted towards my mistake from earlier. Ruby-chan. Ruby. Ruby. I had to call Sarina by her proper name now. Otherwise I would would receive suspicious stares each time my mouth opened. I was hated enough as it already was.

Eventually, Ruby and Miyako decided to stop at a restaurant on the way back. As we walked to the entrance, my white lab coat stuck out like a sore thumb among their dark winter clothing, signifying that I was an outsider in their family.

We entered the restaurant and seated ourselves in a private room. I sat directly across from Miyako. Ruby sat right next to her, while Akane sat by my side.

“So, tell me. Are you really Amamiya Gorou?” Miyako began as the waitress took our order.

How was I supposed to answer that?

“Yes… I am Amamiya Gorou. I could tell you about myself, if you’d like.” I offered.

Ruby was ready this time. She showed her phone to Miyako with my photo on it.

“Hmm... there is an uncanny similarity.” Miyako looked between the phone, my face, and my body, as if she were trying to piece together a memory in her head.

Ruby’s lightbulb went off in her brain. “Oh!!! I know! I think Ichigo-san might remember Sensei’s face!”

Ichigo? I tried to piece together my memory of patients, coworkers, and visitors in the hospital. If I remembered correctly, this was the first name of Saito, who was Ai’s manager.

Miyako looked like she was halfway convinced. But she kept testing me. “Please continue telling me about yourself then, Amamiya-san.”

I tried to concentrate on a coherent response as I fought through my hunger and fatigue. I hadn’t had anything eat since my IV drip at the hospital.

“From my perspective, just yesterday, I was an obstetrician at Takachiho General Hospital. I had worked there first as a resident, and then as a doctor for the last five years.”

“I was in charge of pregnancy and birth delivery for a number of patients. Among them in confidentiality was Hoshino Ai. The night of my death, I encountered a stalker prowling outside the hospital who seemed to know her status.”

“After I confronted the stalker, he pushed me off a cliff and I ended up dying. And I ended up re-awakening in the hospital today, 20 years later.” I finished replying.

Miyako nodded. “Very well then. Next, Ruby said that you already knew her before. Tell me, how did you two meet?”

Ouch, this was a tricky question to answer. How much of our pre-reincarnation past should we share?

I looked over at Ruby. She was vigorously shaking her head no, as if she desperately wanted to keep her previous life as Sarina a secret. Why was that?

I responded to Miyako. “I’m sorry, I’m not at liberty to reveal any details.”

Miyako glared at me. “In the first place, it doesn’t make any sense for you to have known Ruby-chan beforehand. You died before she was even born.”

Ouch, that was true. No winning against that.

Even though I had likely convinced Miyako that I was Gorou, she was still concerned about how I, a thirty year old man, had managed to meet and befriend Ruby. In her eyes, some parts of my story were utter fiction.

I tried to readjust my argument.

“What I mean by knowing Ruby-chan is that I was long-term family friends with Hoshino Ai. Ai must have talked about me with Ruby-chan after she was born. So that’s why Ruby-chan knows me.”

“Amamiya-san, it doesn’t make any sense for you to have been close with Ai. Ai barely had any friends and had little free time as an idol. You wouldn’t have had the opportunity to interact with her all the way from Miyazaki.”

I gritted my teeth.

Ruby’s insistence on secrecy was really complicating my discussion. Miyako wouldn’t stop being suspicious of me until I told the whole truth.

I pleaded with my eyes at Ruby. But she ashamedly kept her face down on the table and wouldn’t make eye contact with me. What was the issue with Ruby revealing her past life?

Akane interrupted the match between me and Miyako. “Um, sorry to barge in. Although Amamiya-san’s story sounds unbelievable, I feel that he’s telling the truth in many ways. There’s a reason why he’s not giving us the full story. Why don’t we just switch to another topic of conversation?”

Akane was my savior.

===

For the rest of the meal, we continued to chat over more innocent topics such as the food and the Saito family’s current living situation.

Miyako, her husband, and Ruby currently lived in a house in southwest Tokyo. While I was getting my bearings, Miyako graciously allowed me to stay in Aqua’s room for at least a few days.

Ruby pleaded and pestered Miyako endlessly for my welfare. Ruby even threatened to leave the house to live with me in a hotel. No doubt Miyako had a soft spot for Ruby - otherwise, I doubt that I would have been able to stay in their house, much less the room of a family member who had just died.

In the meanwhile, I ate the food in front of me at a voracious pace. This was my first proper meal for today.

I saw Akane’s eyes linger on me the whole time. She was watching the way I held my chopsticks, the way I picked up my food into my mouth. I imagined that she was also analyzing my patterns of speech when I talked.

Was she looking for any similarities between me and Aqua? I felt uncomfortable and self-conscious of my appetite.

When Ruby excused herself to visit the bathroom, Miyako accompanied her. I was left sitting alone with Akane. Akane scooted close to my side. I could feel her shiny, luscious shoulder-length blue hair tickle my arms.

I was too stressed and preoccupied earlier to notice, but Ruby’s friends were all quite the lookers. Now that I was alone with Akane, I felt tension.

Akane was beautiful. Not in the same manner as Ruby, but rather in her own distinct style. Her high cheekbones and sharper nose exuded an air of royal elegance. Her porcelain skin reflected the soft lighting and seemed to give her an ethereal glow. Her large eyes and delicate voice served as an unexpectedly cute contrast to her regal image.

While Ruby embodied the perfect idol, Akane embodied the perfect model or actress. I was entranced. I stared at her for so long that she covered her mouth and laughed.

Akane began. “Amamiya-san, is it okay if I call you Gorou-kun?” She started with a hit right off the bat.

I could adjust. I had thirty years of experience after all. “No problem. In that case, could I call you Akane-san then?”

Akane chuckled. “That sounds a little formal, but I’ll allow it for now.” She then continued.

“Gorou-kun, how much do you remember about me?” She leaned over slightly and looked into my eyes, as if she were trying to peek at my memories locked away.

I could see her eyes glowing with curiosity and intrigue. She had been quiet and observant during dinner, but it seemed just now she had come alive.

I knew it was useless to rack my brain, but I tried anyway. Blue hair, red hair, blonde hair. Nope, I got was a headache trying to play colored tic-tac-toe.

“I don’t remember anything, unfortunately. Only what Ruby-chan just told me about you.”

I had no doubt that Aqua’s previous relationships with his friends were complex. Romantic, perhaps? I didn’t have enough information for now. But I would be shocked if he didn’t have feelings for one person or another.

“Hm…” Akane pondered. She tilted her head. “What did Ruby-chan say about me?”

“Just your name, and the fact that you were working as an actress,” I replied matter-of-factly.

She smirked as she covered her chin with her thumb and index finger pointed at a right angle to each other.

“There’s a little more to it than that, Gorou-kun. Ruby-chan left a lot of good parts out. In that case, don’t fret about your missing memories yet. It’s enough that you’re back.” She said.

Was she telling the truth about having believed my outlandish story? It seemed as if Akane had already accepted it. She didn’t visibly mourn for Aqua’s death either.

By contrast, regarding Kana and Miyako, their reactions were more standard for what you would’ve expected from someone. Regarding Ruby, I could understand her more muted reaction because we shared an unforgettable history before our reincarnations.

But with Akane and I, we were complete strangers starting from nothing. I felt uncomfortable believing that Akane could have moved on this quickly.

“By the way, I’d like to stay in touch with you. Could we exchange LINE contacts?” Akane asked, indifferent to my swirling thoughts.

“LINE?” I tilted my head, confused. Was this the new-age way of referring to phone numbers? I wasn’t quite sure of what she meant.

Nonetheless, I went with the flow. I tapped my pocket to try and find my flip phone. Of course, it was still missing.

“Whoops! I forgot you were a dinosaur, Gorou-kun! We could do emails instead, if you have one.” Akane laughed with her hands. “You know what emails are, right?”

I buried my head in shame. “Yes, I know what emails are. Akane-san. I’m not that old.”

She finagled with her smartphone and started tapping away. She handed it over to me.

Wow, this was quite something. I was having trouble figuring the UI out.

As I slowly finger-pecked my way through the English keyboard to add my email address, Akane couldn’t help but remark, “You’re unexpectedly cute, Gorou-kun. You’re like my grandparents trying to type on a phone.”

“Alright, maybe I am a dinosaur,” I joked. “I’m used to physical keyboards, give me some time to adjust first.”

Akane was quite bold. Even during my university days, it was usually me asking for girls’ numbers, not the other way around. Of course, this was strictly in a romantic context. I didn’t think this instance with Akane qualified as being romantic.

Just as I handed Akane’s phone back to her, Ruby lifted the hanging cloths covering the entrance and re-entered.

“Akane-chan?” Akane jumped as she heard Ruby’s voice. Akane hurriedly received her phone and put it back in her coat pocket. Ruby’s eyes narrowed with suspicion.

“Ah, Ruby-chan, I was just showing him something from the internet!” Akane looked a little embarrassed, waving both of her hands in surrender as her face flushed red. Her voice was an octave higher than usual.

The sudden intrusion seemed to have broke Akane’s tempo. She looked flustered, completely different from the charm and intrigue she had shown earlier. That gap was endearing.

“Huh, right. I guess the internet is something you’re not used to, Sensei.” Ruby smiled. “What were you showing him?”

“Just some cat videos from Youtube!”

“Oh, let me see!!”

===

We regathered in the car in better spirits. Even Miyako settled down a little after seeing that I got along with Ruby and Akane well.

As the van started up its engine, Akane slid herself into the same row as me. We were now both sitting in the back. As we took off onto the road, I heard Akane ask me a quiet question.

“Gorou-kun, why did you decide to become an obstetrician?”

Unlike her previous energetic self, she was more muted here.

I had the standard answer ready for a question like this. I wouldn’t tell the exact truth since it would draw pitiful looks, but a lie that was close enough such that people could still come away with an accurate impression.

“I had an older family friend who I was close to when I was a kid. When she became pregnant, she was determined to hide the baby and father from her parents. So she resorted to giving birth at home.”

“But she ended up suffering a lot of blood loss during delivery. It was too late to save her when she was rushed to the hospital, so she ended up passing away. It was fortunate that her infant son still managed to stay alive.”

“I was determined to prevent this from happening again, so that’s why I decided to become an obstetrician and help safely deliver babies to life.”

Akane pondered. “I see. I’m sorry for your loss, Gorou-kun. You must’ve been really close to your family friend.”

I wasn’t close at all to my mom. I never knew her or spoke to her, after all.

“But, Gorou-kun, I think that’s a really inspirational story. I’m glad that you became a doctor then.” Akane replied.

“Thank you, Akane.” I gave a cookie cutter response. These were words of comfort that I had heard many times before.

“By the way, were you close with the son who survived?”

I paused a little bit before answering. “Yeah, I suppose. We kept in touch from time to time.”

“Then, do you think he felt guilty over being alive?”

I widened my eyes in shock. I had never heard this before. I tried to formulate a response, but all that came out at first was nonsensical garbage. Why was Akane asking this?

“Ah… yeah… Um. I guess he did. He probably felt guilty over having survived in place of his mother.” I finally managed.

“Then… do you think that he would’ve grown up to become a doctor as well?”

At this point, I realized it. Akane knew about my past. Aqua must have talked about it indirectly.

Akane continued. “If he did, then I’m sure he would’ve been the best doctor ever.”

It was dark outside, so I could only see her face intermittently through the passing glow of the streetlights. But what I saw from her was a smile that stretched from ear to ear.

I couldn’t hide my sheepish grin that crept up the side of my face. I felt that if I touched my ears, I would burn my fingers from the heat.

“I’m sure he would have,” I acknowledged.

I was embarrassed, yet so happy and hopeful. I had more than one friend in this world still here with me, after all. Today felt like a long winter of uncertainty, but Ruby and Akane were showing me spring.

As we exited the highway, we dropped off Akane at her home first. As she turned to wave us goodbye, I could see her make eye contact with me and mouth something. Five syllables. I wasn’t a good lip reader, but I had a gut feeling for what she was saying.

As the van crawled its way through the neighborhood to the family home, I felt confident and eager.

I had something to do. I wanted to reconnect with Sarina and her friends. I was sure I could patch things up with Kana and Miyako. I wanted more information about my past as Aqua. Going back to his house was the first step towards reconciliation of my past.

Chapter Text

I took in every detail as our car rolled over the driveway and entered the garage. This was the home that I had spent decades in yet remembered nothing of.

“Mama, we’re back.” Ruby announced. She took off her shoes and smiled at a picture. I followed her gaze.

Ai was giving a hug to two children. On the right was Ruby as a kid. On the left… was Aqua. I saw Aqua’s face for the first time.

On his face was that irritated expression that I would always have whenever I was forced to do something that I didn’t want to do. His face… reminded me of myself.

And Ai was at the center of Aqua and Ruby.

…

Just now, it hit me. Not in a logical sense, but an emotional sense. Standing in the hallway of our house, I understood it now. Ai had given birth. Ai had a family. Ai used to be my mother. Ai was gone.

I could feel my throat lumping up, my eyes beginning to brim with tears. I had always stopped myself from crying since I had to stay strong. Especially now, since I was in front of Sarina. I couldn’t show any weakness.

“Sensei, what’s up?” Ruby heard me pause. She glanced back at me.

Miyako hollered from the dining room upstairs, “Close the door, Ruby-chan! It’s quite cold outside.”

I hovered frozen just past the entrance. I was on the boundary between warm and cold, happiness and sadness, sanity and insanity. What was I doing?

I threw off my shoes, climbed the stairs, and sprinted into the upper hallway. I needed somewhere private, somewhere I could hide. Where was Aqua’s room?

Miyako gave me a stare as I stampeded past. I didn’t give it any mind. I looked through the doors. Which one was Aqua’s room? I saw doors of natural wooden brown and one door with a red plaque. I wanted blue.

Ruby’s room, Aqua’s room. Yes, that second room was mine. I barged in thoughtlessly and slammed the door shut behind me. I exhaled.

But I had walked right into a trap. On the walls, I saw posters of Ai surround me everywhere. Ai in a swimsuit, Ai in a dress, Ai in promotional shoot, Ai frontlining a movie poster. Ai, Ai, Ai, Ai. This room was a living monument to Hoshino Ai.

I fell to my knees. I couldn’t take it anymore. I screamed. “Ai!!!!!”

Miyako and Ruby rushed in just as I started my scream. I looked in horror to see them crowding the door, seeing me at my most vulnerable state.

Ruby crouched down to match my kneeling position. “Sensei, what’s wrong?”

She enveloped my back in her arms. I could feel the reassuring touch of her hands on my chest.

I didn’t know how to explain it to her right away. My feelings had just overwhelmed me. Here I was, so confident just minutes before, yet I realized something when I saw that picture.

I closed my eyes. I could see Hoshino Ai, talking and laughing on the hospital roof with me. I could see her bundled up in the cold, talking a walk along the boulevard. I could see her brilliant eyes echo that of Spica, the brightest star in Viego.

These memories weren’t twenty years old. They were fresh in my mind from just days and months before.

I opened my mind to Ruby.

“I… I was just talking to Ai yesterday as if nothing was wrong. Ai was so confident and full of life. She was ready to deliver two healthy babies.”

“I woke up today, and she was just gone like that. She disappeared off the face of the Earth. I never had a chance to say goodbye.” The tears started to flow from my eyes. I felt that it was okay. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. Ruby could understand.

Ruby continued hugging me. She didn’t say anything, but she remained exactly where she was, supporting me.

How ironic. It was Ruby’s mother who had died, but Ruby was the one supporting me instead.

I continued with a crumbling voice.

“She was my oshi. I wanted her to succeed more than anything else in life. For someone like me who was empty inside, she was everything to me.”

“I just want to see her again. One last time, just one word from her is enough.”

I continued to pour my grievances out. My feelings left unsaid, my dark hidden grief, all thrown out into the open.

This was insane. If I heard about Ai’s death while I was still working at the hospital, would I have reacted like this? It was hard to say. Ai was officially only a patient of mine. But it felt that with my now twisted identity, I shouldered my own burden as well as Aqua’s.

Ruby spoke. “You know, Ai did say goodbye to us. To me and to you, as Aqua. Right before she passed away.”

“She did?? What did she say?”

“She said, ‘I love you.’” Ruby smiled with sadness echoing around her eyes.

I wailed. I never knew. For all the memories that were taken away from me, this one seemed to be the cruelest.

I desperately tried to fight my amnesia and recall this memory in my mind.

I love you.

I pictured Ai on her maternity bed, rubbing her belly and murmuring these words as she caressed Ruby and I.

I heard Ai shouting these words as she let Ruby and I run amok the playground.

I felt Ai hug us goodbye and gently say these words as Ruby and I set off for our first day of school.

My reincarnation was blessed with Sarina’s rebirth but cursed with Ai’s death. If only I could hear Ai’s final words… maybe then, I could fully accept her death and everything that accompanied it. I would finally be happy. These three words promised to be an antidote to my suffering.

But all I had on my hands was a hallucination. I couldn’t imagine anything close to the real thing.

===

“Amamiya-san, if you want, you could sleep in the living room or switch rooms with Ruby.” Miyako offered to me. Her voice reflected a kindness and tenderness that she never directed to me before now.

Ruby looked uncomfortable. “Ah, uh… I have a lot of posters of Ai in my room as well. But if that’s okay with you Sensei, you definitely could!” She scratched her head while looking embarrassed.

“No, it’s okay. I’ll stay here.” I had to face the truth eventually.

I didn’t want to deface Aqua’s room. My only memories left of him were his physical things. To tear things down would be to desecrate his grave. So I resolved to leave things exactly the way they were.

“Very well then. It’s been a long day for everybody. Amamiya-san, I’ll give you a quick tour of the house, and then we can all head to sleep afterwards.” Miyako suggested.

Miyako showed me around the home. It was modern and even quite spacious compared to my countryside home in Miyazaki.

“By the way, Saito-san. I currently don’t have any other clothing on me. Are there any clothes that I could borrow?” I asked because I didn’t want to be stuck in a lab coat for the next few days.

Miyako paused, long enough that I thought that I had said something wrong. Then she said matter-of-factly, “You could probably fit in Aqua’s clothing. We could take you out for clothes shopping later.”

“Thank you, Saito-san. I’ll buy my own clothes as soon as I can!”  

I regretted asking. I felt uncomfortable at the idea that Miyako reluctantly suggested. Not only was I freely taking over his room, but now I was dressed up in his clothes as well? For Miyako’s perspective, this could only be considered a sick joke.

But what could I do? I thought over Miyako’s household. Everyone was a great deal shorter than me other than perhaps Aqua. If Ruby had any baggy clothing, I could borrow that when walking around indoors. But in Miyako’s eyes, this would definitely be worse than wearing Aqua’s clothes.

I held my temple and sighed in exasperation. I would have no choice but to borrow Aqua’s clothes unless I wanted to sleep in my lab coat as well.

I mentally thanked Miyako for her extreme kindness. I would need to make it up to her and prove that I wasn’t a fraudster.

After I finished my bath, I slipped into Aqua’s pajamas. His clothes were just a little short for me, but the fit was still manageable. As I exited the bathroom, Ruby took a peek at me while she leaned outside from her bedroom door.

“Sensei!!! You look so cool!” Her eyes had hearts drawn on them.

“Are you sure, Ruby-chan? I feel a bit strange wearing them.”

Aqua’s wardrobe had a distinct blue tinge to it. Funnily enough, in the closet, I had also found a lab coat and pair of glasses that was identical in style to my current ones. Was this for my old doctor cosplay?

“Of course! It really feels like you’re back, Sensei.” Ruby said.

I smiled, giddy with her compliment. Ruby would always have my back, after all.

===

The next day, I woke up just as the sun lifted above the horizon. I opened my eyes to an uncomfortable glare of sunlight peeking from my left.

Right. The window was in a new location.

This was my new room. My bed felt softer than before. My pillows and sheets were a shade of Aqua blue. Everything about this room felt unfamiliar, as if I were staying in a hotel.

Despite that, was my soul at home? Had it woken up today in the same place as it did two days before?

If it did, then I didn’t feel any comfort from these walls. Ai stared down at me from all four sides. I shut my eyes to try and avoid her gaze.

I went over Ai’s last moments in my head. I had decided on my truth, the one I would constantly affix and replay into my brain into the hopes of making it a real memory.

“Thank you for everything, Aqua. I love you.” Ai sat sitting upright in a hospital bed, the same one she had used during her stay. Around her torso were lightly wrapped bandages. I tiptoed up to to meet Ai’s bosom as she enveloped me warmly in her arms. Her starry eyes shone brightly as she carried those final words softly into my heart.

This was it. This was the healing that I needed. I would take Ai’s last words seriously and hold it close. After all, I was loved by her, so it was all right.

I re-opened my eyes to renewed self-confidence as I faced her gaze head on.

Okay, that was good. I felt ready to tackle the day.

Now, what was I to do today? My day stood empty ahead of me like a blank slate.

My memories flashed back to the faces that I had seen yesterday. Many of them were still  holding out hope for Aqua’s return. Kana, Mem-cho, and maybe Miyako needed to be convinced. I couldn’t let these people down. I needed to do good with them and let them know the truth.

Aqua must’ve had other friends as well. I would need to figure out who Aqua’s friends were from Ruby.

As I was thinking, Officer Yamada rang our phone.

He had called to let us know that there was still no news of Aqua. His best guess was that Aqua’s body (and presumably Kamiki’s) had vanished underwater. Recovery was going to be almost impossible.

The officer was bothered and had spent the entire night helping the search. Ruby sat there with her angelic voice, consoling the officer and letting him know that it was all right.

Yamada also apologized for having collected my belongings for investigation without properly informing us. My personal items were to return in the mail tomorrow.

As for what I remember I had on myself: An expired driver’s license, expired bank card, old hospital badge, and 30,000 yen.

I was probably also marked dead from being missing or inactive for 20 years. Navigating the bureaucracy to fix everything was going to be painful.

Therefore, I reasoned that I had two things to do. The first was to fix my own identity and make sure that I could live properly as Amamiya Gorou. The second and more important thing was to re-establish my relationships with Aqua’s friends.

It was time for me to start getting up on my feet. I grabbed a snack from my room as my breakfast and got to work.

Aqua’s laptop sat on his desk, closed and locked. There was a password required to login, and I definitely wasn’t going to be able to crack it. I borrowed a laptop from Miyako so that I could handle my affairs.

My passwords were stored in my head like it was yesterday, so I had no trouble with my online logins. To my surprise, I was able to get into my email and bank with no issue.

My email inbox had more than fifty thousand unread. I ignored the landfill and was about to move on to the next window when a person’s name caught my eye.

“

Gorou-kun! I hope you got a good’s night sleep. Are you free to meet up today at 3pm at Shinjuku station? Let me take you around.

Akane

”

I smiled. Akane had wasted no time in setting up a time. That settled my afternoon then.

After spending time on research, I headed out of my room to offer to prepare lunch. If I was going to be living in the house for some time, I had to pull my weight. I didn’t have the leniency of being a kid and being ignorant of relationship dynamics or household chores.

I spotted an unexpected face hard at work in the kitchen. This must be Ichigo. I had missed him yesterday because he was still out of the house when I retired to bed.

From my perspective, I had seen him twenty years younger just a few days ago. Now, his face was still the same, albeit beset with more wrinkles and tanned with sun damage. I guess he had picked up an outdoor hobby over the years.

The hum of the ventilation fan and the sizzle of oil masked my footsteps as I entered the kitchen. The aroma of sautéed fish filled the room. This was awkward. It probably wasn’t a good time to introduce myself.

Just then, Ichigo glanced around. He turned off the fan and stove.

“You must be Amamiya Gorou-san. I’m Saito Ichigo. I believe we’ve met before.” His face offered a slightly whizzed grin as he looked me up and down.

He continued. “I don’t believe it. It really is true. You look exactly the same as you did twenty years ago.”

I laughed. I couldn’t exactly say the same thing, could I? “I’m glad you still remember me, Saito-san. You still look great as well!”

Ichigo replied with vigor.

“Miyako and Ruby have filled me in. I thought that they were telling me the wildest story at first, but it really is true. I have a good memory of faces, and I definitely remember yours.”

“You’re Aqua, but at the same time you’re not Aqua, right? I really have a hard time knowing what to think of that. But either way, I hope you can regain your memories soon.”

I smiled dryly. So it seemed that Ichigo believed Ruby’s story because he remembered me and my connection with Ai.

Ichigo was hopeful of me being able to regain my lost memories. I assumed that was how he was able to block out his grief and act normally - he banked on the hope of not having truly lost Aqua.

I hoped that my memories could return as well. My amnesia was an immense source of trouble. Without Ruby’s pleading, I wouldn’t have had a bed to sleep in at all yesterday. Not only that, but I had no hope of reconnecting with all of Aqua’s friends without my memories.

If the days passed on and I still couldn’t remember anything, what would happen? I feared being thrown out by the Saito family, rejected by my new friends, and ending up in the wild. I absolutely had to remember.

I replied, “I’ll do the best I can to remember. In the meantime, let me help out with lunch.”

After Ichigo and I finished cooking, we all huddled together at the dining table to eat. Ichigo, Miyako, Ruby, and I. We were one non-standard family - none of us were related in blood to one other.

The table was a bit quiet at first, with only the sound of chopsticks through the silence. Ruby piped up with a question.

“Sensei, did you make the stir fry veggies?”

“I did. I hope it’s to your liking, Ruby-chan.” I said.

“You made it exactly like Aqua would’ve! You’re always insistent on using as little oil and soy sauce as possible. I can’t even taste anything.” Ruby whined.

I twisted my eyebrows in confusion. Wasn’t she an idol? Shouldn’t she watch her weight and diet a little more strictly?

“I like to cook on the healthy side. Ruby-chan, you need to be careful of what you eat as an idol. You won’t have a good metabolism forever.” I pointed my chopsticks at her menacingly as a reminder.

Ruby was carefree. “Hehe Sensei. I won’t need to be an idol by the time I’m old, so that means I can always eat what I want!”

… It looks like she evolved an irresponsible personality during her eighteen years as Ruby. Ichigo and Miyako were trying to hide their smiles. Okay, it was definitely their fault.

I sighed. I would get nowhere with her on this.

“By the way, Ruby-chan, is Arima-san still out there searching for Aqua?” I brought up a heavy-handed topic, but my guilt demanded that I take responsibility.

Ruby replied, “Mem-cho successfully convinced her to head back to her house. She needed to sleep anyways. But I don’t think her mental state is okay.”

I see. I felt a bit better that she wasn’t still walking alongside the shore.

“Do you think there’s anything I could do to help? Like going to her house?”

Ruby grimaced. “It’s probably better if you stay away for now, Sensei. She won’t even reply to my texts or calls right now.”

I could only bite my lip in response.

Ichigo suggested, “I could drop by her house and try to convince her that you were Aqua. At the very least, she’ll believe that you’re Amamiya-san since I’ve seen you in person before.”

I thought back to my wallet that would arrive tomorrow. I should have a good shot at convincing her with my ID card, and I didn’t want to inconvenience them unless it was important.

“It’s okay, Saito-san! Thanks for the offer. I’ll have my wallet back tomorrow, so I should be able to convince her myself.” I replied with a smile.

Despite the confidence I projected, I still needed to gather some information about Kana. I planned to ask Akane about the best avenue of approach. Not being prepared would make her turn her flamethrower on me.

===

Let’s see, it was 2pm.

I knocked on her door. “Ruby-chan, it’s me. I wanted to talk about something.”

“Come in, Sensei.”

Her room was filled with a unique lilac scent. Ruby had finally switched out of pajamas and was dressed cutely in a T-shirt and shorts.

Now that we were alone again, I felt intimidated from her beautiful appearance. Her hair sparkled with the golden radiance of the Sun. Her big eyes were full of light and energy. She lit up with a wide smile as she saw me.

I stood like a fan seeing his oshi in person for the first time.

How was this fair? Was this what Aqua saw every day? I needed to build up my resistance against her.

“What’s up, Sensei? You’re standing and grinning like an idiot.”

Ruby closed the door behind me and pulled me sitting onto the bed right beside her. This was dangerous. I tried to look away from her.

Ruby craned her neck forward to get a better look at my face.

I opened my mouth after a period of consideration. I had originally planned on disguising my activity, but I felt that wasn’t fair. Ruby treated me so kindly. I didn’t want any of my relationships built on deceit.

“Er… I just wanted to let you know that I’m meeting up with Akane-san later today in Shinjuku.”

“Akane-chan??? Wait? What? I’ll come along too!”

Ruby was immediately a bit defensive. Then she started ranting.

“Don’t tell me that she was the one who organized it! Really? I knew it!”

“You have to be careful with Akane, Sensei. Akane looks innocent but she’s actually really smart! She can turn into a detective or anyone else in the blink of an eye! You can’t go alone!”

I was befuddled. Why was Ruby on the attack all of a sudden? This was a much-needed reunion between friends, after all. Unless…

I chose my words carefully.

“Ruby-chan. I would love for you to come along. But I want to ask her some personal questions about Aqua this time. I have to know about myself, and I can’t rest until then.”

Ruby was more straightforward this time.

“But Sensei, you don’t understand! You have to be careful around Akane. She could easily seduce you. You can’t go alone! Don’t you have enough girls already?” She pointed her index finger directly at me.

??? I was dead for twenty years. I hadn’t gone on a real date ever since I met Sarina-chan. What on Earth was this “girls” stuff she was talking about?

Well, at least, Ruby was making it very clear now. Akane and Aqua had definitely shared something in the past. That’s why Ruby was so adamant against it.

I tried to reassure her. “Ruby-chan, it’s nothing like that. She’s 10 years my junior, I’d consider people her age more like a niece than anything else. There’s no way I’d think of dating her.”

Ruby pouted. “You don’t sound very trustworthy when you say that, Sensei. That sounds like a flag for you cheating on me later.”

Er… was our marriage already a done deal? I didn’t think I’d accepted her proposal?

“Ruby-chan, this is really important to me. You can join the next time we hang out together, I promise.” I briefly rested my palm on her shoulder to reassure her. I said something irresponsible to get her off my back.

Ruby’s face lit up. “It’s a done deal then!!” She enveloped her hands onto mine that was just about to move away.

She then thought of something. “Sensei, it’s a bit of a commute to Shinjuku. Let me accompany you there, at the very least.”

Looking at her cute face from only inches away, it felt like the God of Beauty was tempting me. But I had to decline.

Chapter Text

I stepped out of the house into a sunny and mild December day. As I walked through the neighborhood streets to get to central Shinjuku, I marveled at the bustling life on a Friday afternoon.

Salarymen rushed in their suits from street to street to fulfill their daytime business obligations. Tourists with backpacks and roller bags ambled along, pausing from shop to shop. Girls in cosplay and thick makeup strolled along accompanied by shopping bags.

Ever since I graduated from medical school, my trips to Tokyo or Osaka were relatively rare. Twenty years had done a wonder on life in central Tokyo. Yet in many ways, it was the same as ever.

I had arrived at a station entrance. I checked my phone for the time. It was 2:50pm, so I had arrived 10 minutes early.

Akane already stood standing on the side of the main staircase. She wore a brown wool sweater, dark leggings, and fur boots. Her light blue purse on the side effortlessly matched her hair. She epitomized cool beauty, one that I had forgotten while I was working alongside tired nurses and doctors in the countryside.

“Gorou-kun, you came early!” Her eyes opened in a surprise as she recognized me approaching from afar.

She eyed me up and down and smiled. I was unashamedly wearing one of Aqua’s outfits as my own.

“Akane-san, it’s great to see you again.” I replied.

“It’s good that you were able to see my message. I was wondering whether you would’ve had everything sorted through so quickly.” She looked embarrassed as if she felt that she had pushed us into meeting a little early.

“It was really nothing. I have plenty of free time without a job.” I joked.

“Since you don’t know Tokyo that well, I picked out a place for us. Do you like fruits and sweets, Gorou-kun?”

I nodded. I did like fruits and sweets. It was safe to say that my food preferences between Aqua and Gorou wouldn’t have changed.

“Great! It’s right nearby. The place is really popular on Instagram, but it shouldn’t be too busy right now.”

Instagram?

We walked to the entrance of the dessert place. As the waitress seated us, I was presented with the menu. My eyes popped open as soon as I saw the price tag.

What in the manner of inflation was this? The prices looked at least twice as high from the last time I came to Tokyo.

The desserts… looked equally as inflated calorie and sugar-wise compared to before. I would explicitly warn my pregnant patients against consuming these monstrosities.

“Gorou-kun, are you surprised at the price? Don’t worry, I know you’re getting up on your feet. I can cover everything today!”

Akane had suggested this place without a second thought. Was this girl printing money as a hobby?

I had borrowed some money from Ruby, but I needed to make it last. I, a hopeless adult, didn’t want to ask her again anytime soon.

“That’s a little…,” I began.

“I’m covering it for today, Gorou-kun.” Her voice said with finality that it was end of story.

I bowed my head meekly as I then let her choose.

“Hm… what about this melon parfait? It looks really good!”

I looked over at where she was pointing. “Oh, this melon isn’t in season right now, so it won’t taste as good as it normally does. Should we choose a safer option for today?”

“Oh my, you’re unexpectedly knowledgable Gorou-kun! Then, what do you think about the chocolate parfait?”

I nodded.

“Let’s go with the chocolate parfait then!” She closed the menu in apparent satisfaction.

Hmm. My rumblings on inflation aside, I was quite hungry. Was she going to order a second parfait? I couldn’t say a peep given she was going to be the one paying for it, right? Did this mean we would need to share the parfait?

She looked oblivious to my concern as she spoke her order and returned the menu to the waitress. She glanced at my awkward face and chuckled, as if she were in good spirits.

She broached a topic that had simmering on my mind. “Hey Gorou-kun. I guess you’re wondering why I’m not feeling too sad over Aqua-kun?”

“Well, I guess I have been wondering that. It would be a little awkward for me to bring it up directly.” I scratched the back of my head.

“I can’t deny that I’m feeling sad. But at the same time, I feel really hopeful. It’s that… I’m glad that I have the chance to help you for the first time.”

She leaned over to observe me more closely. “I saw a lot of similarities between you and Aqua-kun. So that’s why I believed Ruby-chan’s story that you two were the same person. But at the same time, you’re also quite different from him.”

I tilted my head. I honestly wasn’t sure what I expected from Aqua.

“Aqua-kun was always so closed off and emotionally distant. I never really knew what he was thinking. And whatever course of action he decided, he would bear that alone.”

“You’re more expressive on your face than he ever was. You’re open and quite happier.”

I touched my face as I heard these words. Me – open, expressive, and happy?

Well, the expressive part was true for the last few days.

I had gone through my whole emotional range - from being reunited with Sarina, learning of Ai’s death, and finally being scorned by Kana. These range of emotions must have shown on my face like a big plasma TV. Normally, I’d be more reserved.

Lastly, at the end of the day, was I happy? I didn’t know. But if I averaged out as neutral, then Aqua… he must’ve been perpetually gloomy and shrouded in darkness.

“I always wanted to be helpful to Aqua-kun. But it seemed that, even at the very end, I could never be his real partner-in-crime. He never wanted to use me when it mattered the most.”

She looked downcast. It seemed like she partly blamed herself for Aqua’s loss. So, this was how Aqua used to be.

It reminded me of the time that I was gloomy myself. After Sarina’s death, I spent days wallowed away in misery, drinking my way towards alcoholism and depression. But Ai had brought me back into the light.

Had Aqua had entered his depressive state after Ai had died? Her death would have been a harrowing experience for anyone, especially for me.

But even so, that would have been almost 15 years ago. Had Aqua never found another oshi? Had he never found another purpose in living?

I wanted some clarification on Aqua’s motives. “Akane-san… you don’t have to answer if you feel uncomfortable. But I wanted to know, why did Aqua fight with Hikaru?”

This was one of the things about Aqua that seemed uncharacteristic about me. I was never the type to seek out fights nor be inconsiderate of others. What could have inspired Aqua to take on this mutual fight to the death?

I could tell that Aqua meant an enormous amount to his friends, and he would have been aware of that. Therefore, with that in mind, he would have never offered up his life lightly.

Akane sighed. “I could only guess that he did that to protect Ruby-chan. Hikaru was a walking threat to Ruby-chan’s life, so Aqua-kun felt compelled to act. But I just don’t know why he had to specifically throw his life away.”

Akane’s voice started choking. “If… it weren’t for you coming back to life, I don’t know what I would do with myself. I don’t want to think about your death anymore. I’m just glad that you’re back.”

As she finished, I felt a familiar feeling of guilt pile up. I was the one responsible for her feelings of guilt and helplessness. I was responsible for Kana pacing her way endlessly through the shores. I was responsible for nearly leaving Ruby alone in this world.

More than anything else, I was glad that I hadn’t died. If I died, then how could I take responsibility for all of my sins?

I welcomed being alive and feeling guilt. Guilt was an old friend to me.

My old guilt had driven me into studying hard as a child, going into medical school, and finally specializing as an obstetrician. My new guilt would push me into reconnecting with Aqua’s friends and resolving their despair.

My life had meaning. I could serve others.

I turned to face Akane. “I don’t know what Aqua was like, or what he really went through. All I’ve heard from him have been scraps from you and Ruby-chan.”

“But I fully believe what you say. I’ll be sure to never repeat the same mistake that he does. I’ll be glad to have you as my partner-in-crime, Akane-san.”

The wrinkles on Akane’s forehead smoothed out as her face bloomed with a brilliant smile.

“That’s right. We’re partners-in-crime now, Gorou-kun. No keeping any secrets from me. Whatever is on your mind, you have to tell me!”

I felt inspired by Ruby’s pinkie swear. I prepared my pinkie in response to validate our promise. But wait. Wasn’t it rude to copy other people’s gestures?

I awkwardly stuck my pinkie back in as I raised my hand and offered her a handshake instead.

Upon seeing this, Akane couldn’t help but burst out in laughter. Her hands spasmed as she shook my hand up and down.

“Hahaha!! Gorou-kun, you’re so old fashioned! I can’t breathe…”

I was wronged. I was trying to be cool at first, you know?

The waitress finally arrived with our order. As she brought our parfait onto the table, she slotted two spoons in, one on each side.

Sigh. After the partner talk, I couldn’t refuse anymore. I was a little too old for this, so I would just pretend that nothing was wrong.

Right as I scooped in and took my first bite, Akane yelped in terror. “Gorou-kun, I forgot to take a picture!”

???

She handed over her smartphone to me. Displayed on the screen was a live feed of the camera view. She then explained to me like she would an elementary school student.

“Gorou-kun, you can take a picture by pressing the white button on the bottom of the screen. Make sure to not cover the camera on the back with your finger.” Right. I knew that.

Just as I pointed the phone towards her, she interjected. “Wait!! I’m not ready yet!”

She then rotated the parfait to make sure the side I took a bite out of would be hidden. Very clever. She adjusted her hair and clothes to make sure nothing was out of place.

“Okay, are you ready? One, two, three…”

As soon as I started my countdown, Akane started snickering. Finally, she couldn’t hold back and held her head with her hands as she convulsed with laughter.

“You were about to say cheese, right?? No one says that anymore! That’s exactly something that Aqua would do!”

On the outside, I groaned as I heard her laugh on and on. But on the inside, I was smiling. I was glad to be so similar to Aqua that I could give comfort to his grieving friends.

We returned to our parfait. As I took my second bite, I could see Akane’s face redden. I looked down on my spoon and realized that I had forgotten that we’d rotated the parfait. I had used both spoons.

“I could ask for another spoon from the waitress,” I suggested.

Before I could finish, Akane took a scoop out of the ice cream using my first spoon and brought it to her mouth. Her face was officially a well-ripe tomato. Well, problem solved!

===

It was just past five in the afternoon, and the December sun had already set.

Akane and I strolled out of the store to see the Christmas lights in full display around the station. The lights wrapped around the trees and shone their bright harmony of yellow and white.

Now that I had established my friendship with Akane, I could start putting my worries towards other friends.

I asked her about Kana.

“Akane-san, are you close to Arima-san? I’m thinking about how I can approach her. Neither Ruby nor I have heard from her since yesterday. She probably doesn’t believe my story at all.”

Akane thoughtfully mused.

“We’ve had our differences in the past, but I’d say that we’re solid friends.”

“Kana-chan is a little bit tricky. She can be stubborn and emotional at times. But on the whole, she’s a good person who cares deeply about her friends.”

I nodded. Akane understood Kana well. Based on what Akane said, Kana’s behavior made sense to me.

Akane continued. “Gorou-kun, are you worried that Kana-chan will refuse to listen to you?”

I sighed. My mind flashed back to Kana’s furious face.

“Yes. After Arima-san shouted at me like that, she made me feel like I was a terrible person and a horrific liar. I’m not sure if my heart can take seeing her yell at me again.”

I had always been observant and sensitive to other people’s feelings, after all. Kana hated me to her very core. There was no way I could approach her again without trepidation.

Akane responded.

“Then, here’s what I think, Gorou-kun. Kana-chan at her key is an honest, emotional, and sincere person. If you can move her with your determination and honesty, she’ll respond to you.”

“She will yell at you no matter what. But you will have to show her that you’re serious about your story.”

I smiled. This wasn’t going to be easy. I would need to prepare myself.

“What do you think is the best way to reach out to her then? She won’t respond to Ruby’s texts or calls.”

Akane put a finger to her lips as she thought.

“Why don’t you just show up at Kana-chan’s doorstep directly? I don’t think she’ll ignore you if you show the commitment to go all the way to her apartment.”

Yikes, that was scary. Nothing could go wrong with that, right? Nevertheless, it seemed like a solid option given Kana’s personality.

“Thank you, Akane-san. You’ve made me feel a lot better. I’ll give talking to Arima-san tomorrow a shot then.” I smiled.

As we continued walking, I wasn’t looking ahead and got my head tangled underneath a nearby tree’s mixture of branches and lights.

Akane chuckled as she saw me comb my hair to get the debris off.

She spoke up. “Gorou-kun, you wouldn’t remember it at all, but we’ve seen these lights before many times together. You’ve even worn the same outfit once.”

Interesting. She was definitely implying something with that statement. I bit the bullet and asked her directly.

 “Do you mean that we were in a relationship before, Akane-san?”

Akane smiled. “That’s right, Gorou-kun. We had dated for quite a long time. I knew you would figure it out eventually, so I didn’t want you to get the news secondhand or from a TV show.”

So she was an ex. Wait, what? From a TV show?

A whole new list of questions started popping up in my head, including inappropriate ones. No, no, that wasn’t good. Akane and the others were likely barely of age. I shook my head to get my mind out of the gutter. I was a gentleman who didn’t prey on young girls.

I went back to my safe question instead. “What do you mean by TV show, Akane-san?”

Akane blushed again as she answered. “Er, we met each other and started dating through a reality TV dating show.”

This was mind-blowing to me. My personal love life was exposed like that?

“Do you mean that our romance was publicly aired on TV?”

“Mmm. I don’t mind if you give it a watch, Gorou-kun. We even kissed at the end.”

“I can’t believe it. So this is the stuff that people are watching on TV nowadays.”

As I made an off-hand comment, my eyes strayed towards Akane’s lips. Completely smooth with a healthy shade of pink. Her closed lips seemed to invite me towards something that was forbidden.

I pursed my own lips as I cut out that train of thought. This was not the time to be thinking of that. Nevertheless, this kid Aqua… he must have been enjoying his youth.

All of a sudden, I came to a startling realization on Akane’s side. Meeting Akane, kissing her, and walking under this very tree. I remembered none of it.

Akane was one-sidedly handling the burden of carrying on the memories of the relationship. How much would it hurt to look and talk with a person who remembered nothing about you?

I was the one asking innocent yet hurtful questions. The kind of questions that meant that none of their previous experiences with me meant anything.

Akane looked so innocent as she quietly walked alongside me. But was she happy carrying that burden of knowledge inside?

I asked quietly. “Then, Akane-san, do you wish that I’d get my memories back as quickly as possible?”

I don’t know why I asked that question. I dreaded hearing the answer. I was afraid of Aqua’s friends leaving me one by one if my memories continued to be locked down.

But I had to know. If they answered yes, then I could prepare myself for the inevitable.

Akane redirected the question right back at me. “Gorou-kun, do you want your memories back as Aqua?”

I was confused at her question. “Of course I do! Without his memories, I feel like I don’t belong in this world at all. I can’t remember anything about Aqua’s friends, family, or even what he did!”

The world had advanced 20 years in a blink of an eye and I had been left behind. I was a fish desperately swimming upstream to rebuild friends and family, a career, and a sense of belonging.

If I had Aqua’s memories, I could fit in with just a snap. I could pop into Kana and Mem-cho’s house with a simple, “I’m back!” and solve everything.

Akane stopped and turned towards me with her hands behind her back. Her dangling hair brushed softly over the front of her shoulder as she leaned slightly forward. Her eyes looked toward me with earnestness and honesty.

“Well, this might be selfish on my end, but I hope that you can stay as you are, Gorou-kun.”

What did she mean by that? Did she not want me to remember the times we had shared together? I was now bewildered.

I opened my mouth to ask. “What do you mean, Akane-san?”

She smiled and resumed walking.

“It’s nothing. It’s just a feeling I have.”

Chapter Text

“How was your date, Sensei.”

As soon as I closed the front door, Ruby ambushed me with her arms crossed and a -_- expression on her face. She was wearing a cooking apron with her hair tied back in a ponytail. Even with her cross body language, she looked really cute.

I tried to ignore the accusatory tone in her voice. She was asking with my best interests in heart, right? I replied with a bright tone.

“It went well! I’m happy that Akane is willing to be friends with me!”

Ruby continued. “So… did you two do anything? Like hold hands? Sensei, you’re not allowed to mess with other girls!” She pointed a finger at me like I was guilty.

I reassured her. “Nothing happened, Ruby-chan. All we did was grab dessert and walk around the city.”

While that was true, I had an underlying feeling that Akane had set up the meeting with a slight romantic vibe to it. Sharing a parfait and walking underneath the Christmas lights was something that couples did.

But I didn’t have the energy to pursue this line of thinking. I needed to connect with the rest of Aqua’s friends first. Romance was on the bottom of my list. After all, I had sworn off everyone except Ai for the last few years. I was practically immune to girls.

Ruby harrumphed. “Hmph, whatever. For your information, while you were out having fun with Akane-chan with my money, I was busy preparing dinner for the two of us, and Miyako-san and Saito-san were out making arrangements for your funeral!”

I twitched with surprise. “My funeral?”

Right. I had forgotten completely. Aqua was soon-to-be officially marked dead. It had been 48 hours since he had dropped into the water. For everyone who didn’t believe in the supernatural, Aqua was gone.

As our guardian, Miyako also needed to arrange a funeral to give closure to Aqua’s friends. But they didn’t bring it up with me during lunch?

I hung my head a little. “Ruby-chan, I’m sorry that I was irresponsible. I’ll help you out with dinner.”

Ruby laughed, her previous annoyance having vanished like cotton candy in water. She just wanted an excuse to rib me a little. “Let’s go, Sensei!”

I took a look at Ruby’s concoction in the kitchen. She was making okonomiyaki for dinner. I winced at the way that she cut her scallions and diced the chicken. Had she ever used a knife in her life before?

I took over while giving her the side eye. Ruby stuck her tongue out as she watched me fly through the chopping and cooking.

“Well, Sensei, I only need to be good at one thing to survive right? I’m good at being cute, so everything else is covered.”

My throat spasmed as I tried to suppress a laugh. She had spent all of her free time across both lives watching idol videos, after all. That didn’t give her enough life skills. “You’re responsible for washing the dishes then.”

Ruby gave a pout when I delivered the bad news.

Was this how Aqua and Ruby interacted with each other? Ruby seemed comfortable and at home. I was glad to be of help to her.

Ruby and I sat across from each other as we began to dig in. I began with a surprise that I had found when checking Aqua’s Wiki page earlier today.

“Ruby-chan, I saw that you and Aqua are starring in an upcoming movie together regarding Ai. What’s this about?”

I was the diehard Ai fanatic. I had checked the movie summary, and it would cover everything from Ai’s idol beginnings to her death. If I watched the movie, then I feel like I would have some closure on Ai.

Aqua’s and Ruby’s childhood was also depicted. I was hoping to jog my memory by running through as many triggers as possible.

Lastly, to have Ruby play Ai and Aqua play the murderer? And Gorou was a minor listed character too. I absolutely had to watch it.

Ruby replied, “Sensei, the movie is about Ai’s life and death. It tells a story about the side of Ai that no one ever knew before.”

“I see,” I said. “Is there any way I can watch it before it releases in theaters?”

There was no way I could wait for 5 months. I felt the intense urge to see it now.

Ruby stared off into space as she considered. “It might be better for you to watch it later, Sensei. I don’t think you’re ready to see it yet. I’d be worried about you if watched it.”

Was I ready to see it? I was insanely tempted to learn more about Ai and hear these three words. But at the same time, I felt anxious about her death scene. She would inevitably die at the end.

“I feel that I can take it, Ruby-chan. I know that Ai’s dead. I can make it through the ending.”

I tried to project a confident smile on my face as I waved off her concern. An addict would easily say yes to another dose, even if they knew it was bad for them.

But Ruby was dubious. She frowned and pursed her lips upon hearing my words.

“I really feel that you should wait. You only learned that Ai died yesterday. Give yourself time to adjust first.”

“How about this, Sensei. Let’s watch it together when it releases in theaters in the spring!”

Ugh. My face must have shown an expression of grave disappointment. I didn’t want to wait and suffer in the unknown for so long. The movie would have the answers to all the questions I had.

“But Ruby… I really want to watch it.”

I pleaded like an addict asking for another dose.

Ruby’s wooden chopsticks clattered onto the table. She grasped her hands onto mine and pleaded.

“Sensei! I don’t ask for much. But please, don’t watch it right now! You really shouldn’t!”

Was the movie really this traumatizing? It was rated for audiences fifteen and above. There was no way the movie would scar everybody.

I sighed. I had always been weak to Sarina’s pleas. And what she said made sense regarding my current state.

“Fine, Ruby-chan. I promise that I’ll do as you say. I’ll watch it together with you later.”

“Thank you, Sensei!!” Ruby finally let out a smile of relief and swung our hands up and down as she heard my words.

In the end, I had made a promise that I was unhappy about. I would hear the answer I wanted about Ai only after several months. In the meantime, I had to come to terms with Ai’s death naturally. There would be no shortcut to end my suffering.

Ai’s movie wasn’t the only topic I wanted to bring up with Ruby. I needed to discuss my plan regarding Kana with her.

“On a separate topic, I’m thinking of heading over to Arima-san’s house tomorrow. I want to meet her in person and try to convince her that I’m Aqua.”

Ruby’s eyes flew open. “Sensei, are you sure?? I don’t think she’ll be in the mood to talk after just a couple days.” She shivered as if she remembered a recent trauma.

“I have to, Ruby-chan. Every passing day that Aqua’s friends believe that he really died wears on my soul. I want to convince Arima-san as soon as possible.”

I had a plan in mind. If I talked to her earnestly and presented the facts, then I believed that she would listen.

“Then, Sensei, let me come with you.” Ruby suggested. “I can help with convincing her. I understand her pretty well, and she’s always had a soft spot for me.”

Unlike with Akane, I thought Ruby’s presence would be helpful this time. I was a little timid, after all. I was afraid of confronting her by myself.

“Thanks a lot, Ruby-chan! It’d be really helpful to have you there.”

===

The next day. It was sunny but cold, with an occasional gust of wind would made my hair stand on edge.

So… this was what it was like to be famous. Instead of leaving together with Ruby, she had me meet up with her at a train station next to Kana’s house. I left half an hour before Ruby did to avoid any suspicion with the press.

My cover story could be a that of family friend or agency employee, but it still wasn’t a good enough excuse to leave or enter with just the two of us. Ruby was no longer free like I was to run around in public.

As I waited at the JR station entrance, I flicked open my wallet to double check my cards. When I received my wallet this morning, I saw that all of my IDs were miraculously up to date. My date of birth was shifted exactly 18 years forward, and nothing was expired. Even my bank card worked!

Did the God of Databases give me some help here? Post-sales service? I was delighted. This would help with my integration into Japan immensely. I just hoped that Kana wouldn’t check my date of birth too closely.

Meanwhile, I continued monitoring the station. Even during a weekend, the volume of passengers passing through the station was immense. I, a country bumpkin, was having trouble keeping track of everybody. Ruby would definitely need to be the one to find me.

After a few minutes, I keyed onto a familiar flicker of blond hair approaching me in the corner of my sight. Her warm incoming smile under her sunglasses was enough to cause my heart to jump.

“Sarina-chan!” I would use her old name in public to avoid anyone from overhearing something suspicious.

Ruby acknowledged me with her gloved hand on my shoulder. “Sensei!!! I’m glad you didn’t get lost getting to the station. Let’s go, Sensei!”

As we filed our way out of the station, the crowds gradually thinned out as we neared the residential neighborhoods.

As we approached her apartment building, I felt trepidation and an accelerated heartbeat. This matched my fear of the unknown when I was meeting Ruby’s friends for the first time.

Was this a bad omen? Was I too confident in this meeting going well just because Akane had been so kind to me? I tried to keep calm by focusing on Akane’s assurances from the day before.

Ruby was the one to buzz the building entrance. She waved energetically at the camera while I hid myself out of sight.

“Senpai!!! It’s me, Ruby! I have something to talk about with you!”

As we had arranged, Ruby would do most of the talking since she was on good terms with Kana. I could do it myself, but Kana would certainly respond better to Ruby.

After a minute, the main door unlocked without a word of response from Kana.

I climbed up the stairs with a feeling of vertigo. One by one, one by one. My foot turned into lead as I felt the increasing strain of every step. My heartbeat reverberated through the stairwell and echoed back into my ear. Meanwhile, Ruby was as lighthearted as ever, crossing each floor with a relaxed cadence and a smooth expression on her face.

As we approached her door with loud footsteps, I heard a slow creaking of the hinges as the door opened.

“Ruby, what is it? I’m busy.” I heard a surly voice reply from the opening.

As the opening enlarged, Kana caught a glimpse of me. She gave a gasp and then immediately slammed the door.

My heart continued to pound loudly as I processed what had just happened. Well, this definitely wasn’t going to be easy.

I turned to Ruby with a grimace. “Ruby-chan, what should we do?”

Ruby answered me with a confident smirk. “Just keep knocking on the door, it’ll work. She’s a softie.”

We continued standing on her doorstep, knocking on the door once every few minutes. I glanced around guiltily to make sure no nosy neighbors were watching.

Should we have just left? We certainly weren’t welcome. I looked back at the stairwell uneasily. A walk of shame back to our house would be better than embarrassing myself further in front of Kana.

But Ruby kept two feet stubbornly planted on the doorstep. She had no intention of backing down. After a quarter of an hour, Kana finally waved the white flag. She opened the door with a red and annoyed face.

“Ruby. If you want to talk to me, do it without this man present, understand?” She pointed her finger down to emphasize the point that I was unwelcome.

Ruby cried out. “Senpai, please. Just give our story a listen!! We brought proof with us this time! We’re really serious!”

Kana looked between me and Ruby. Her eyes narrowed as she scrutinized my face.

Ruby continued pleading. “Senpai! Gorou-sensei has Aqua’s soul! You have to listen to him. Aqua’s not dead!”

Kana gave a long, exasperated sigh.

“Fine, just this once, I’ll hear you out. I won’t give you this courtesy again.”

She opened her door fully. I could see Kana’s whole body. Her outfit was clad in funeral black. She wore a black cap, a black knee-length dress, and black socks.

I involuntarily looked at Ruby’s in comparison. Ruby was dressed in a dark red winter overcoat, red colored beanie, and gray pants. Ruby was positively a cheerleader compared to Kana.

I instantly felt that we had set the wrong tone coming into Kana’s house. Of course she was in grieving. We should have been more respectful, rather than have forcefully taken advantage of Kana’s personality.

“Do you want tea or water?” Kana offered us as she brought us to the dining table. She was still cordial enough for the usual pleasantries. We sat down on her square table, with Kana across from us.

“We’re okay, Senpai.” Ruby replied. Ruby leaned forward as she jumped straight into the main topic.

“Senpai, we’re really serious about our story.”

“When Amamiya Gorou died twenty years ago, he was reincarnated as Aqua. And then after Aqua died, he was reincarnated back as Amamiya Gorou.”

“We all remember the story of Gorou-sensei from the movie and the news. First, we can prove that Sensei here is Amamiya Gorou.”

I silently reached into my pocket and opened my wallet. I grabbed my license and brought it in front of Kana.

Kana didn’t bother to look down. “And… then what.”

Ruby continued. “Next, we can prove that Aqua held Gorou’s memories and personality.”

I spoke for the first time. I was self conscious of my voice and choice of words. I would focus on my dreams and personality. I’d verified with Ruby that these traits hadn’t changed regarding Aqua.

“I don’t know if I told you this before, but my dream has always been to be a heart surgeon. But because I wanted to make my grandmother happy, I chose to become an obstetrician instead.”

“My personality is just like that. I’m the type of person to help people in secret without ever saying anything. I’m a timid person on the inside but I try to act strong. I believe Aqua is the same way as well.”

I tried to hide my face with my hand as I continued with a quieter and quieter tone.

Kana looked a little touched. Her mouth hung open slightly and her breathing seemed to pause.

Ruby added on, “Not only that, but both Akane and I agree that Aqua and Gorou-sensei are the same person. Aqua told me about his past life as Gorou-sensei. Akane’s talked to him in detail. No one can fool the both of us!”

Kana closed her mouth. But when she reopened it, she continued in a flat tone.

“Okay. Let’s suppose your story is true then. Why should I care?”

Ruby voiced her discontent. “What do you mean, why should you care!! He’s Aqua! Aqua and Gorou-sensei are the same person!”

Kana rejected her. “No, he’s not Aqua.”

Ruby stamped her foot in frustration. “We just proved to you that he’s Aqua! What are you talking about?”

Kana faced me with an expressionless gaze.

“Amamiya-san, do you remember me?”

I shook my head. I didn’t like where this was going.

Kana then continued. “If he doesn’t remember me, then he’s not Aqua. He’s only a stranger who has no relation to me.”

I tried to talk. I opened my mouth like a goldfish to say that I was hopeful of being able to eventually remember her. But I didn’t. Since I wasn’t sure of it myself, I didn’t want to deceive her or give her any false hope.

Meanwhile, Ruby was confused. “What kind of logic is that? As long as the person has the same soul, you’re talking to the same person, right? His soul is no stranger to you!”

Kana slammed both of her hands on the table.

“Ruby, memories are everything to me. Amamiya-san is literally a stranger to me because I don’t know him, and he doesn’t know me.”

“Aqua was a special friend to me because of the memories we shared. We acted together in so many different films and spent so much time together. He understood me. He understood my struggle with acting and my insecurities.”

“I won’t have any of these feelings of a bond if I talk to you, Amamiya-san.”

Ouch.

Ruby then defended me. “Okay then, maybe I can accept that. That makes some sense to me. But what’s wrong with starting your friendship from scratch with Gorou? His personality is the same, so you two will get along, right?”

 Kana shook her head.

“The way I see it is that you’re basically Aqua’s identical twin. Sure, you might share a similar upbringing, personalities, and interests. But you two are different people.”

“If you’re friends with one twin, do you need to be friends with the other? If you marry one twin, do you need to marry the other? If one twin dies, do you need to befriend the other?”

I felt so discouraged that I couldn’t speak. Kana had confirmed my worst fears. If I couldn’t remember anything, then we could never be friends. Same personality, same type, that didn’t matter to her, and rightfully so.

Ruby was still fighting for me. She balled her hands together in tightly curled fists.

“That might be true, but why not choose to be friends? What’s the downside? Akane and I are friends with him because we know he’s Aqua.”

“Neither Akane nor I are grieving and mourning his death because he’s still alive in our hearts. Can’t you see that we’re not suffering like you are? Do you want to suffer like this, Senpai?”

Kana was taken aback for a moment. But she was undeterred.

“You can’t force me to do this or that. I don’t care if you or Akane are best friends with Amamiya-san here. It has nothing to do with me.”

Ruby was now adamant. “But Senpai, we just want to help you! What’s wrong with being friends with him??”

Kana snorted with disdain.

“Stop forcing me to be friends with Amamiya-san. As far as I’m concerned, Aqua is dead to me. No one’s left on Earth who understands me like he does. Can’t you see my clothes? I’m in mourning right now. I don’t have the time or energy for this.”

“If you’re finished here, just let me be. Let me grieve in peace. Thanks for coming along.”

And that was all. Kana stood up from the table to signify that it was the end of our discussion.

The dining table was just as empty now than before when we had come in. There was nothing on it, not even a used teacup, to show that we had made peace or reached a happy understanding.

Ruby and I took our cue to put our shoes back on in silence and leave Kana’s apartment.

I quietly walked back to the station together with Ruby. I had failed. I had utterly failed.

This wasn’t a simple misunderstanding that I had imagined earlier, which I could solve with the flash of my ID card. Instead, Kana had presented a fundamental argument that I couldn’t refute. Kana was a stranger to me, and I couldn’t deny that.

For some relationships, memories were everything. Ruby and Akane were angels on Earth for accepting me without asking for any understanding in return. But Kana was definitely a more normal person. I couldn’t force such a selfish ask on her.

Friendship was a two way street. If she didn’t want to be friends with me, I had to accept that. I could only stand and watch helplessly as Kana suffered and I suffered.

I thought back to my vague planning for Mem-cho and others. I didn’t know if I had the confidence to pursue things any further. I carried a heavy fear of rejection in me. Would Aqua’s friends really want to be friends with Gorou? Should I stop imposing these selfish desires on others?

Maybe it was okay to wait and see if I could ever get my memories back. I had done my best as Gorou.

We had arrived back at the JR station. This would be our split point. I would head back first, and Ruby would head back half an hour later.

In the midst of my spiral, Ruby spoke up. “Hey, Sensei. It’s all right.”

Was it really okay? Weren’t these just empty words that you said if you didn’t know how to comfort someone?

Ruby eyed my coat. As she took off her gloves and fixed my collar, she continued her words. “Don’t give up hope. Kana’s being a little stubborn right now. Kana doesn’t always mean what she says in the heat of the moment.”

My thoughts froze.

“Sarina-chan? Does that mean…”

Ruby smiled and gave me a parting hug.

“It means, you can try again later. Stay strong, Sensei.”  

Chapter Text

I returned home in a resigned mood. In the end, I couldn’t do anything for Kana. She would need to suffer through the grief of Aqua’s parting by herself. I would have to find another way to reach out to her.

As I mulled over my future plans in the dining room, Miyako approached. “Amamiya-san, is now a good time to talk?”

“Yes, now is fine!” I tried to move the corners of my mouth up. I had been glowering and talking to the dining table for the last fifteen minutes.

She continued. “Well then. Since you, erm… died a few days ago, we need to host your upcoming funeral.”

Right. Ruby mentioned the funeral earlier.

“We’ve set the wake to be held tomorrow evening, and the funeral the day after on December 30^th. Amamiya-san, do you want to attend?”

Even though it was strange to attend your own funeral, I felt like nodding along. It was a natural thing to do.

But wait, I realized something. The wake would be attended by select friends and family of Aqua’s. All of them would know each other. It would be very awkward if me, a stranger, suddenly decided to interlope.

“Saito-san… I’m just wondering, who will be in attendance for the wake?”

Miyako replied, “It’d be us and Aqua’s close friends. Probably Kana-chan, Mem-cho, Himekawa-san, and a few more.”

That’s it. I couldn’t go. There’s no way I could unashamedly show my face to Kana and a few strangers. I fretted off a long explanation.

“I’m sorry, Saito-san, it’s not a good idea for me to attend the wake. Only a few of the attendees know me, and Arima-san is not on good terms with me. I don’t want to bother them with my presence. But I can attend the funeral without an issue.”

While the wake was intimate, the funeral would be well-attended. I wouldn’t be out of place as a nondescript family friend.

Miyako took it in stride. “I see, that’s not a problem then. We’ll make the arrangements and go shopping for funeral and mourning clothes tomorrow.”

“By the way, your death is now officially in the news. Since Aqua was very popular, we’ll be in the public spotlight for some time. You’re living in the house, so you need to be prepared to deal with reporters and interviews as soon as you step outside.”

I reflected on myself. Thanks to my reckless action as Aqua, I had been a big burden on everybody, especially to Miyako.

Miyako was the one organizing the funeral and paying its expenses, hosting my deadweight Gorou body, fielding reporters, and dealing with the toll of losing Aqua. I had imposed on her more than I ever imagined.

Had I done anything yet to show my sincere appreciation?

“Saito-san!”

I stood and shouted with my head and body bowed at a 90-degree angle. Come to think of it, was this the first time I had formally apologized since my reincarnation?

“I’m terribly sorry for having imposed on you! I’ve been burdening you with trouble from the moment I died as Aqua! Please, let me know if there’s anything that I can do to help!”

“I can pay rent for my room. I can organize and pay for the funeral and clothes. Just let me cover the cost of my own mistake!”

Her hands reached out towards me with a sense of hesitation. “Amamiya-san… There’s no need for any of that. You’re already helping so much around the house while keeping Ruby and the others happy. We couldn’t possibly ask more of you.”

I wasn’t satisfied. “Just tell me what I can do! I have free time and access to my bank account. I can contribute in some way!”

“We’re in a comfortable situation, Amamiya-san. Please just focus on your friends. That’s the most important thing you can do.”

I was relieved that Miyako continued to be welcoming. I didn’t know what I had done to make her trust a stranger. For an angel like her, I could only hope that she was able to take the loss of Aqua well. Was my presence able to help Miyako, even just a little?

I bowed once more and then lifted my head. “Yes, I will!”

Miyako smiled as she watched.

===

I spent yesterday setting up my new laptop and phone while catching up on Aqua’s doings. And in a flash, it was the day of the funeral.

I was a veteran of funerals, having attended my grandparents’ and Sarina’s. But this funeral was different.

While a funeral traditionally marked the end of a journey, it marked the beginning of mine. This funeral would officially transfer responsibilities from Aqua to me - The happiness of Aqua’s friends and family, as well as Aqua’s own hopes and dreams for the future. I had been given big shoes to fill.

The Saito family had left well before dawn to make the final arrangements, so I arrived at the funeral hall alone for the main ceremony. As soon as I entered the main room, a chill ran down my spine.

White. I saw a sea of white.

Chrysanthemums, lilies, and white roses. Well-wishers from across the country had sent bouquets as condolences for Aqua’s death. The walls were covered with bouquets that stretched across all 4 sides. The fragrance from these flowers overwhelmed my nose with the scent of spring.

I could hardly see where the flowers ended and the walls began. I was swimming in an ocean of flowers as I waded my way to my seat. Strings of white flowers decorated the seat backs, and a white flower was placed on each seat cushion.

At the front of the room was a funeral altar with a large picture of Aqua at its center. Since Aqua’s body wasn’t recovered, a memorial tablet was placed to substitute for the body.

As I sat down, I looked around to take stock of the faces around me. I was having trouble putting names to faces from the list that Ruby sent. Actors and movie stars, directors and producers, models and icons. Taiki, Frill, Kaburagi, and more.

Aqua had become a minor celebrity in Japan.

But more importantly than being famous, he was beloved. The ceremony hadn’t started, but I was having trouble finding dry eyes amid handkerchiefs and napkins everywhere. The sound of sniffles and thickened voices echoed across the hall.

In Aqua’s eighteen years, he had managed to touch the hearts of countless people alike. It felt that the whole country had grieved for his death.

Was I… really supposed to take on his mantle? Could I bear the weight of his responsibility on my shoulders? The flowers and atmosphere crushed me with the weight of the Pacific Ocean.

By the time the ceremony began and the Buddhist monk started chanting, I was having trouble staying focused. I constantly looked at the back of Kana’s red hair.

I had requested to sit in the back so that I wouldn’t need to be close to Kana who was near the front. There would be no point in me interacting with her.

And indeed, that’s what she thought as well. From when I briefly walked by Kana during reception and just earlier during seating, Kana completely avoided eye contact with me.

This was normal, after all. We were strangers to each other. We didn’t know each other.

But if we stayed at arms distance and never reconnected, would this be a growing, gnawing regret in my heart? Would I hold this against myself forever and crystallize guilt into my soul?

I heard snippets of the monk’s speech as my mind continued to wander.

Reminders of impermanence and compassion given to the living. Prayers and guidance to Nirvana given to the departed spirit.

Aqua’s body was truly gone. I was the interloper here, a shadow of Aqua’s living self, trying to dissuade his friends against accepting the cycle of life and death. Was it better to keep the natural order of things and let them grieve properly?

Death was as natural as birth. With beginnings came ends. The end had come for Aqua a lot earlier than expected, but would his friends have eventually accepted it?

My guilt and doubts grew like a plague in my mind. But something else was starting to grow as well.

Anger.

As the guilt piled on me, I could no longer shoulder its burden. I needed to offload it to someone.

After all, none of this was my fault. I was happily living and taking care of Ai when my life was suddenly upended. Even if I had died unceremoniously under a cliff, I was happy to have stayed dead. I didn’t have any family or close friends left to mourn my loss.

Why was I suddenly thrown into the ringer and forced to run around? Aqua should be the one doing this instead.

I realized that… I could blame Aqua without a shred of reservation. Since Aqua was me, I was happy to question his choices and blame him. Aqua was also dead, so he couldn’t talk back.

Aqua threw himself at Kamiki and put his life at risk in the dumbest way possible.

Sacrificing himself for the sake of Ruby’s protection? I’m sure there were other ways to confront Kamiki and keep Ruby safe.

He wasn’t even alive to bear responsibility for his actions anymore. What a coward.

Aqua was the cause of my current pain and suffering, as well as everyone’s suffering today. Yet for some reason, no one here looked like they blamed him. They really should have. It was his damn fault.

===

The time had come to light the incense. Ruby, Miyako, and Ichigo were the first ones to come up and perform the ritual. As they returned to their seats, I could see that their faces were solemn but tearless.

If I hadn’t been reincarnated, would they have cried while lighting the incense? Since I was reincarnated, what were they thinking now?

Aqua would have meant a lot to Ruby. We had spent almost 20 years together as Aqua and Ruby, but only half a year as Gorou and Sarina. This ceremony must have been a way to help her accept Aqua’s death.

Next up came Kana, Akane, and Mem-cho. Their faces were as solemn as Ruby’s.  

After a long series of grievers, it finally came to me. I slowly walked up to the altar. Aqua’s photograph loomed larger and larger as I approached. He was smiling in the picture. Not a genuine one, but a pained smile that I recognized hid something deep underneath.

I clucked my tongue in annoyance. Whatever. I would offer no excuses for his behavior, as I was in no mood to coddle him. I kept my annoyance hidden on my face.

I bowed to Ruby on one side and Miyako and Ichigo on the other. Ruby held a hand over her mouth, trying to suppress a smile. This was something that only I could see since she sat in the front. Was this vaguely amusing to her?

As I finished my ritual and filed my way back to my seat, Akane kept a gentle eye on me. Kana, who sat next to her, looked off to the side.

Miyako and the Buddhist monk delivered the closing remarks for the ceremony. We started lining up again for a final farewell.

Normally, if there was a body, we would place the flowers in the casket to accompany it on its way to the crematorium. Since Aqua couldn’t be recovered, we would instead leave the flowers on the altar as a symbolic farewell.

For many, this would be the last time they would be able to offer any words to the departed.

Ruby, Miyako, and Ichigo were all expressionless as they laid their flowers down. As I flipped and twisted the stem of the white rose on my seat, I saw Kana stand up next.

After she bowed to the family, she turned around to face Aqua’s photograph. She stood there for an entire minute with her head down and her posture unyielding. I could see her fists clench and unclench as she remained silent. The stem on her white rose bent and cracked under the pressure.

She was internally agonizing over something. But I couldn’t see her face. Was she grieving? Or was she saying something inside her head to Aqua?

The room paused in silence on her behalf, waiting patiently for her to continue. After Kana placed the flower and bowed one last time, she began walking back. Grief twisted her features beyond recognition, with her mouth and eyes contorted in pain.

I could feel her pain as if it were my own. Aqua must’ve been her anchor – a source of comfort, relief, and purpose. Losing Aqua was a deep wound she would never fully heal from.

Not even a chance to say goodbye to him. And to see another man pop into her life and claim to have Aqua’s soul. Ruby and Akane may have accepted it, but Kana couldn’t so easily.

Seeing her, something else grew in me. A flicker of rage, spread from my anger I felt earlier. No, this rage wasn’t against Kana or Aqua. This was against the world for making something like this happen. A monster like Kamiki was let loose into our world, corrupting or killing victims one by one.

I waited in agony as the line of flower givers whittled down one by one.

Along the way, I heard plenty of muted conversations and saw many overflowing tears. A half-brother who never was. A friend who was never understood. A kid who was like a son to them. A star who never got to shine.

Aqua had etched his part deeply into each of their hearts and lives.

Acceptance, impermanence. The monk drilled these themes into us from the very beginning to make us understand that life always had its end, and that we should be mindful of strong attachments to things.

But none of us here were Buddhas. We would never achieve enlightenment in our lives. These speeches would only help us limp into the next day, without giving us permanent relief or true understanding.

For the people at the funeral, I understood well what would come after this. Some would wake up crying, day after day. Many would grow cynical. A few would drive themselves drunk into a deep depression.

I was one example. I had never truly recovered from Sarina’s death.

My anger at Aqua had morphed into something. I had to say something to them. I wanted my words to reach them, to let them know that they didn’t have to accept this. We should all be able to grow old and die peacefully, instead of being cut off at the most vulnerable time of our lives.

Without my memories of Aqua, I didn’t feel confident in meeting them individually. It would take weeks and months to reach out to all of them. Many would scorn and ignore me just as Kana did. And in that time, people would continue to suffer in tears or stoic silence.

But here at the place where we were all gathered, where emotions ran high, I felt that I had a chance. I could say something and they would listen. A funeral could be the place for rebirth and miracles, couldn’t it?

Finally, it was my turn to offer a flower to the altar. I walked up, and instead of bowing to Ruby and Miyako, I faced the crowd instead.

No, I couldn’t be afraid. I had something that was far more important than my own fear. The truth. I had to tell them. I wanted to save them from a version of hell where Aqua passed and left nothing behind.

“Everyone, please listen to what I have to say! Aqua’s not dead! I repeat, Aqua’s not dead! You don’t have to accept this funeral! You don’t have to accept this shitty reality!”

I must have looked like I’d lost my marbles. Faces were trained between me, Miyako, and Ruby, as if expecting them to come up and slap me and drag me away. But Miyako and Ruby just sat there slack jawed.

I continued off my opening.

“Let me explain. Aqua himself held a secret which he never shared with any of you! When he was born, he remembered his past life as Amamiya Gorou, a medical doctor who died at thirty, right before Aqua’s birth!”

“Aqua lived his whole life carrying the memories of Gorou. After Aqua met his end a few days ago, I was suddenly revived from the ocean! I am Amamiya Gorou. I don’t share any of Aqua’s current memories, but I came here to tell you that his soul is still here on Earth, and it lives on in me!”

Just insanity. A personality trait that I shared with Ruby, who forced this onto her friends without any preparation. I was just as insane as Ruby.

“You might remember my name as Ai’s doctor from the upcoming movie! Yes, that person is me! Aqua wrote about his past in the script!”

Of course, I hadn’t seen the movie yet. I assumed that Aqua had fleshed out Ai’s doctor in some capacity.

Seeing that Miyako and Ruby weren’t moving, the monk made his way over to push me away. But Ruby abruptly stood up and shielded me from the monk. She began yelling as well.

“Everyone, Amamiya Gorou is telling the truth! Aqua told me about his past before as Gorou-sensei!”

“Gorou-sensei shares the same soul as Aqua! Aqua’s not dead! You don’t have to be sad! We’re sorry for lying to you and organizing this funeral!”

This was a huge crowd, so there was no Kana to butt in with pinpoint clarity and point out that we were delusional.

Instead, the funeral was pure chaos. Heads pointed every which way. Voices and questions started from every row. Most gatherers had concerned expressions on their faces. Whispered murmurs grew into a full-on frenzy.

Even Akane joined in on Ruby’s yelling to defend me.

“Gorou-kun isn’t lying! Aqua-kun is back here in the flesh as Gorou-kun! They’re the same person inside!”

On a whim, I repeatedly grabbed handfuls of white flowers from Aqua’s altar and threw them back into the crowd. My soul wasn’t going to start its journey to the afterlife today, thank you. No need for these flowers of mourning.

I could see Kana’s eyes clearly meet mine for the first time. No, she wasn’t angry that I had spoiled the funeral. Instead, her mouth continued to gape open. She just sat there, frozen in time.

Kana, I want to show you how I feel. You don’t have to accept Aqua’s death. I’m still here, you know. I may not remember you, but I won’t stop trying to be friends with you.

The crowd rose from their seats and started swarming like bees. Ruby, Miyako, and Akane were the flowers at the center of the pollinating frenzy.

Their friends had gathered around each of them, peppering them with questions and reactions of disbelief. A lot of them kept stealing glances at me in between.

I had attracted quite a few onlookers of my own.

“Amamiya-sensei! Oh my goodness, you look literally like the casting reference picture!”

A purple-haired fellow had sprinted up to me. A strong jawline, defined cheekbones, and perfectly shaped eyes. He looked like a model. I think his name was… Melt.

“Sensei! Are you really Amamiya Gorou? Was what you said really true?”

“Yep!” I nodded. I pulled out my ID card to show Melt.

“Then, were you really a fan of Ai? Were you Ai’s doctor?”

I pulled out Sarina’s Ai keychain from my suit pocket with a smile. Yellowed with the text beginning to fade. Regardless, it would stay with me forever.

His eyes turned big like dinner plates.

He couldn’t wait to spit out another question. “There’s no way! Sensei, how did you become a fan of Ai?”

It took me a second to think of a response. I couldn’t mention Sarina’s name.

“… I… got to know a patient at the hospital who was a huge fan of Ai. After she died, I decided to cheer for Ai on her behalf. This keychain was a present from her.”

He looked like he was about to pass out.

A middle-aged man with long brown hair and stubble spoke up. Was this Gotanda?

“So was Precocious really reincarnated? Tsk, I’d always wondered about him as a kid. He talked just like an adult even though he was only a few years old.”

A few of them asked me questions laced with doubt. I didn’t know their names at all.

While the majority held doubts about my claims, I felt that I had touched the hearts of a few. They were willing to believe me. They refused to acknowledge Aqua’s end, so they clung onto my existence. Having Ruby, Akane, and Miyako backing me up strengthened my argument.

===

The funeral ended in disarray well past schedule.

I ended up fielding a ton of questions from the attendees. Everything including my work history, medical knowledge, and experience with meeting Ai was called into question. A lot of them had searched me up and gasped at the uncanny resemblance. After all, I still had the same face and was wearing glasses identical to my photos published online.

But… I couldn’t answer any questions they had about Aqua. I could only shake my head and bow in shame. Aqua was still a black box to me. His eighteen years of experience were unknown to me.

The attendees may have been talking to me, but they certainly weren’t talking to Aqua. For them, I was only a brief target of their curiosity and intrigue. It was hard for a fake like me to give them true relief or closure.

The crowd around me died down and I felt free to finally move out of the funeral home. Miyako, Ruby, and Akane had all gone their separate ways with their friends inviting themselves along for additional questions.

Just as I was about to hail a taxi, I felt a hand clasp me on the shoulder. I looked around. It was Mem-cho.

“Hey, old man Aqua, you sure stirred up a beehive today, didn’t you?” Her face grinned at me like I was a troublemaker she found endearing.

Chapter Text

I had avoided contacting Mem-cho since I was afraid of another rejection. But here she was, seeking me out on her own accord. Why was Mem-cho looking for me? To be friendly, or to scold me for breaking everyone’s front windows with a baseball? 

Mem-cho stretched her arms as we stood outside in the afternoon sun. She twisted and swung her arms side by side, as if she had been restless for quite a while.

“What a long funeral. So much for the lunch afterwards. Well, since you’re of age, let’s go drinking!”

I didn’t know how to respond. I had been caught by surprise by her carefree attitude, as I was still ruminating in horror over what I had wrought upon the audience.

She mused, “I miss drinking sometimes. Ah, I’ve hardly had a chance ever since I’ve been part of B-Komachi. Ruby and Kana-chan are still almost two years away!”

…

“Hmm… old man Aqua. You’re not going to say anything?” She raised her eyebrows at me. She was looking quite spry after the funeral.

Whoops. Daytime drinking it is. I hastily replied, “Um. Thanks for inviting me along! I’d be glad to go!” Mem-cho grinned and flashed me the V sign.

We cabbed ourselves to an izakaya in Shibuya. It was a short drive.

After we settled into a private booth, Mem-cho rummaged through her purse, bringing out her trademark horns. She took off her sunglasses and slipped her horns on. Her eyes roamed over my face and upper body.

“Now that I’m seeing you up close, you’re quite a tall and handsome one, aren’t cha?”

She had been teasing me for the duration of the taxi ride, but I wasn’t in the mood yet to tease her back. While my body had settled into the izakaya, my mind had been left behind at the funeral home. I replied with some forced banter.

“… Well, you’re quite cute yourself, Mem-cho.”

Mem-cho pouted. “Hmmm… You’re no fun, Gorou-tan!”

Focus. I had to get it together. Mem-cho was one of Aqua’s friends, and she had specially invited me out. I couldn’t look bad in front of her.

She moved to the main topic. “Gorou-tan. That was a very brave thing that you did back there. You had my heard pounding. I really believed you, you know!”

 “You did?”

Mem-cho gave me hope. The colors of the world started returning one by one.

“Well, I’m being a little crafty with my words. I already believed you since Ruby had a heart-to-heart with me beforehand. But today really sealed the day for me. That was an inspiring speech!”

I cheered inside. The warmth emanating from my heart began spreading to the rest of my body. Ruby had gotten better at convincing her friends that I was Aqua. It wasn’t hopeless on my end.

“Thank you, Mem-cho. I really put my heart out there. I wanted to tell the audience how I felt, that they didn’t have to grieve for Aqua.”

Mem-cho set both elbows on the table and supported her head with her hands. Her sky blue eyes focused on mine.

“You know, I totally thought you were a scammer when I first saw you. But talking it over with Ruby, I realized that you were serious. To think that Aqu-tan really had a past life!”

 “I’m glad to have a friend who still believes in fairy tales with me. But isn’t it too much to call me a scammer?” I complained. “I thought I looked honest with my glasses.”

 “You look like someone who fools around with girls a lot,” she laughed.

I didn’t hear that. I paused as I tried to switch the topic. “Still, Aqua never told anyone else. It’s caused me so much trouble already with my friends.”

“Well, don’t worry! Ruby and Akane are out there working their magic. They’ll be able to convince everyone before long.”

She was quite confident in their ability to persuade. On the other hand, I was a bit more cynical, but there wasn’t much I could do for now. More importantly, the argument that Kana brought up was still unsettling me…

“I’m glad they’re working on my behalf. But at the same time, I think that’s only half the battle. Just because they know I was Aqua doesn’t mean they’ll want to be friends with me. I’m not exactly Aqua, so I can’t slide into their lives as if nothing happened.”

She keyed in. “Are you referring to Kana-chan, Gorou-tan?”

My eyebrows twitched. “Yes. How did you know?”

“Kana-chan told me about it directly. She hasn’t talked much to Ruby or Akane these days because they’re in cahoots with you, so she’s been leaning on me.”

“I see.”

Kana… I had taken two friends away from her. She must’ve felt alienated by Ruby and Akane cozying up so quickly to me.

Interrupting our conversation, the waiter had entered to take our orders.

“Have anything you want to eat, Gorou-tan?” She waved the menu at me.

“Uh… I haven’t taken a look at anything yet.” I said embarrassedly. I started rifling through the menu quickly to check out my usual bar favorites.

“No worries, I know what’s good here! The fish and yakitori here is to die for.” She shared an excited grin. “Let me order the food.”

I pored through the drinks section in return. Despite my questionable past with alcoholism, I didn’t hold a grudge. If I were ever forced to drink with my coworkers, I simply preferred to keep it light so that it wouldn’t interfere with my work or my otaku hobbies. I would do the same here as well.

As Mem-cho engaged the waiter with our selections, I took the time to think and reflect.

Since Mem-cho brought up Kana, what did Mem-cho think about the situation? Why was she here today, talking and preparing to drink with me? There must have been an underlying reason.

The soft incandescent lights on the ceiling flickered briefly. A warm amber glow bathed the room, as if it invited me to uncover her secret. Mem-cho’s eyes met mine again after she finished reciting her order. I drew a deep breath to ask.

“Then, do you see it the same way as Arima-san does? There’s nothing wrong with what she said. I’m nothing like Aqua since I don’t remember anything.”

Mem-cho folded her arms and gave me a strange face. “Of course not! Can’t ya tell that I’m here cause I want to be friends with you?! Though honestly, I can sorta understand Kana’s viewpoint since Aqua meant a lot to her. But I feel like she’s being unfair with her argument. You’re much more than Aqua’s twin.”

I was glad that she defended me. If she had instead taken her side, then I would’ve really given up on Kana.

“If that’s the case, Mem-cho, what should I do to be friends with her? Ruby said that I could try again later, but I’ve no idea what to do.”

Mem-cho wagged her fingers at me. “Then, Gorou-tan, what’s the first step in anything? You gotta do a better job of understanding her. How did Kana-chan feel about Aqu-tan? What’s she feeling about his death? You can’t make progress with her until you can answer ‘em.”

I groaned. “I have no idea where to even start. I literally don’t remember anything. Not like I can reference a textbook to pass an exam.”

Mem-cho smiled. “Akane is your textbook. She knows a lot. But I’ll also give you a hint, something that Akane or Ruby will have a hard time admitting to you.”

The waiter stepped in, balancing a full platter of sake cups and bowls.

“Wait, Mem-cho. This is a more sake than what I ordered!”

 “Gorou-tan, I’m covering everything today. Drink to your heart’s content!”

… She had changed the order right under my nose. She had mistaken my reluctance against alcoholic excess for being thrifty. Was there something about me that looked poor? Right, I was still jobless.

I shook my head. “I have enough savings to get by. I was just hoping to get a little less drinking in.”

She covered her mouth in surprise. “Oh, I’m so sorry Gorou-tan! Let me finish the rest of the sake then!”

“No, no! My tolerance is good. I can’t possibly have you drink more than me.” I couldn’t let her unceremoniously pass out in front of me.

The waiter poured out the sake with a flourish, forming an elegant waterfall-like arc that streamed into our cups. As my cup filled, the sake spilled over into the holding bowl beneath.

Mem-cho smirked at me and brought her cup up. I smiled as I clinked cups with her.

“Kanpai!” Mem-cho downed the cup with one quick gulp. I followed as well, bringing the clear liquid into my mouth.

She continued. “Now, here’s a hint about Kana-chan. She’s angry at Aqua since he killed himself.”

The sake seemed to freeze around my esophagus.

“Kana, angry? No way!”

I thought that I would be the only one angry at myself. The funeral was full of anguish and sorrow, but I didn’t feel anger emanating from the audience. The only anger boiling to the ceiling was my own.

Mem-cho laughed. Did I say something funny? She resumed her point.

“But it’s true. Ruby and Akane are far too nice to bring it up with you directly. They’re happy that you’re okay and alive. But Kana-chan is different.”

Wait…

My memory flashed back to my hospital stay a few days back. I had made a promise to Sarina to remain by her side. Back then, she had been furious, hadn’t she? But she calmed down with a pinkie promise.

I hadn’t connected the dots until now. Sarina was angry that I had killed myself. But then, if I had placated Sarina, but then how should I placate Kana? I didn’t think a pinkie promise with her was going to cut it.

“So… if Arima-san is angry at Aqua, then what should I do? I want to apologize, but Arima-san doesn’t see me as being related to Aqua. I can’t apologize in his place, can I?”

Mem-cho nodded. “That’s true. But she’s still holding onto anger like she wants an apology.”

“But how is she going to get one? I still don’t have any memories of Aqua. Aqua didn’t leave a suicide note before meeting Kamiki.” I was stumped.

I had searched my room for any info about Aqua, but there was almost nothing. His laptop was locked, he didn’t keep a journal, and no one knew what was going on in his head.

Maybe I could fake a suicide note. No way, that’s no good. I couldn’t ever deceive Aqua’s friends like that.

Did my soul contain any answers? Were Aqua’s secrets still hidden inside, just waiting to be brought to the surface? Should I spend the New Year praying for my memories back?

Mem-cho interrupted my wayward thinking. She suggested, “Aqua was always an actor. What if you pretended that you got your memories back and played the role of Aqua while giving her an apology?”

Huh? Was this okay?

“I don’t know. It feels like I’d be just lying to her, right? She would also see right away that I wasn’t Aqua.”

Mem-cho scratched her horn as she pondered. “I don’t know if it’s really deceiving. You are Aqu-tan, after all. Just missing your memories.”

Hmm. I was the closest person to Aqua left in this world. Maybe it wasn’t deceit if I took my time to understand Aqua and played him convincingly. My thoughts flashed back to my rooftop encounter with Ai. There, she had spoken a phrase that had captured my heart.

Lies are the most exquisite form of love.

In Ai’s words, lying to Kana was just a manifestation of my love for her. I was lying with pure, honest intentions. I wanted the best for her. I didn’t want her to suffer anymore. Was this what Ai meant?

Mem-cho piped up. “Oh, did you already watch the movie, Gorou-tan?”

Did I accidentally speak out loud? Where did she make the connection from? I shook my head in bewilderment. Mem-cho giggled as she saw me react.

But I was skeptical of another problem. “Even if that worked, would she want to be friends with Gorou after an apology from Aqua? Are the two even related?”

“I think they are. She’s projecting her anger from Aqua onto you. So you could think of this as a fight, which makes her not wanna talk to you.”

I held my head in confusion. “So… Arima-san thinks that I’m Aqua then, because she’s holding me responsible for what he did. Even though she says differently.”

Mem-cho tilted her head. “Well yes, people are complicated sometimes.”

I sighed. This far-fetched idea was hard to pull off, with no guarantee of success. But I didn’t have any other ideas. I would just focus on learning about Aqua and pray the pieces would come together afterwards.

 “Okay. Well, this is the best shot I have right now. I’ll apologize as Aqua!”

“Yay, Gorou-tan, you can do it!! Kanpai!”

Mem-cho and I clinked our holding bowl this time. We still had many more shots of sake to work through.

I just had a thought. Mem-cho spoke from Kana’s perspective, but what if she spoke from her own perspective too?

“By the way, Mem-cho. Are you, by chance, angry at Aqua? Are you angry at me as well?” I swallowed.

The seconds ticked by. The corners of her mouth slowly creeped up with a wry smile. “Yes, I am.”

I bowed my head directly onto the table, smacking the empty bowl in the process.

“I’m so sorry, Mem-cho! I never thought that I would leave my friends in the cold like that! That won’t happen ever again!”

Mem-cho lifted my head with a gentle hand. “You understand that I’m angry now, so I’ll forgiven you. Please take these same words of sincerity to Kana-chan.”

I shouted, “Thank you so much! I will!”

I rubbed the circular indent on my forehead as she laughed at my expense.

For the first time, I held genuine hope on reuniting with Kana. Not something that was born out of blind optimism or ignorance, but a real understanding. Not to mention, Mem-cho had forgiven me and was talking to me cheerily.

Our talk was finished, but the afternoon was still far from over. There was still plenty of sake left and mounds of food to come. As we clinked cups and stacked plates, I could feel my inhibitions gradually loosening.

“Mem-cho, how old are you exactly? I saw your age on Wikipedia, but there’s a question mark after the digit ‘2’.”

Mem-cho suddenly straightened her back as if I had poked her with a stick. “You’re not supposed to ask a woman her age! You gotta have better manners as an elder, seriously. Weren’t you raised in the ancient Showa era?”

I blamed her sake order. I was usually more tactful than this. Really. “Eh… hahaha! Sorry, I was just curious to see how close in age we were.”

She curled her fingers up in front of her chin. Her lips turned smug. “Hm… I feel that you might be younger than me, Gorou-tan. That means I’ve been giving you some quality older lady advice.”

Wait. Just how old was this idol in front of me? Did she think she was older than me? Was she already crusty and balding on the inside, like me? I had to let her know who was in charge.

I smirked at her. “I’m actually thirty, so I’m older than you no matter what.”

Mem-cho cursed. “Damn, I’ve been had.”

But she had another angle of attack ready. “But still, your age didn’t stop you from playing with younger girls as Aqua, did it?”

Huh?

Come to think of it, Aqua dated Akane, who was over decade younger than him. Or thirty years younger, depending on how you counted my mental age.

???

I was counting digits on my fingers to do mental math. I must’ve had a horrified look on my face.

Mem-cho giggled again as she watched my distraught state. She continued pestering me.

“Not only that, but there was a love triangle going on between you, Akane and Kana-chan. Both of them really loved you, you player. You only ever dated Akane though.”

Yikes. I should’ve expected that given Kana’s reaction to my death. I just really hoped that I hadn’t led anyone on or gone all the way with anyone.

Mem-cho covered her face. “Oops, shoot! I said too much! Well, you needed to know that anyways if you wanted to play Aqua.”

Come to think of it, was Ruby part of the triangle as well? No way. She definitely wouldn’t have gone after her own twin brother, even if he was Gorou on the inside.

I put my palm up to my forehead. “This is unbelievable. I always thought I’d prefer older women, but Aqua must’ve gotten the message twisted up somehow.”

Mem-cho looked like she was about to burst out laughing. Her tears were barely hanging on around her eyes.

She pointed at herself with glee. “So, Gorou-tan. Are you hitting on me? Am I your type then? Am I old enough?”

“That’s not what I meant…,” I began.

She blinked her eyes prettily at me and leaned over again with both hands supporting her cheeks.

She was making fun of me. This brat. I waved her off dismissively.

“You’re not old enough, sorry Mem-cho. Come back when you’re in your thirties.”

My sentence knocked the wind out of her. She looked visibly pained.

“Aye-aye. Thirty coming right up! Come look for this old lady after next year!”

I looked at her with smug satisfaction. I had hit her weak spot.

===

“It was really fun, Gorou-tan!”

We had stumbled out of the izakaya with the sun having long since set.

“You’re so interesting! You have just as many zingers as Aqu-tan, but you’re a lot more open to laughing and crying. Looks like that extra age really did a number on ya.”

I had heard the same thing from Akane. Those experiences as Aqua must’ve changed me irrevocably as a person.

“Well then, do you like the new me, Mem-cho? Do you want me to stay like this?”

She tiptoed and patted me on the head.

“Of course, Gorou-tan!”

“Oh, but there’s one thing I need ya to remember from Aqua. You’re the one who asked me to join B-Komachi. And Kana-chan as well. Everyone joined because of you. You have to take responsibility for that!”

Responsibility, huh. Something that Aqua was short of recently.

“Do you want me to watch a concert? Will you have another one soon? Ruby said that you all performed last week.”

Mem-cho chuckled nervously. “Well, it’s a bit complicated. Kana-chan’s official graduation was on Christmas, so it’s gonna be a while before we can perform again. We’ll need to recruit new members and to rehearse our new songs. Who knows when that’s gonna be with the funeral fiasco.”

Seeing Sarina dance and sing on stage was always my dream. Of course, I would need to be responsible and root for Kana (even if she graduated?) and Mem-cho as well. The next concert could be half a year or more from now. I would have a hard time waiting so long for Ruby.

I smiled. “I’ll be there to cheer you on in your next concert. No promises for who’s my favorite though.”

Mem-cho seethed. “You damned player. You always carry all three glowsticks every time you show up to one of our concerts.”

I patted Mem-cho’s head in return. Her horn-less hair quivered as I reached in.

“Don’t worry, I’ll pick a favorite after I watch your first concert live.”

“Hmph, you’d better.”

Chapter Text

As I toddled back home, I felt my phone rattle in my pocket. A notification from LINE.

Ruby: “Sensei, are you still out with Mem-cho?”

Ruby: “You’d better head home fast. Miyako’s waiting to talk to you.”

…

I woke up with a startle from my drunken stupor. I was certainly in trouble; I had caused a ton of work for everyone in the family, yet my breath smelled like sake and my suit was wrinkled. Instead of trying to finagle a suitable reply, I jogged home awkwardly in my stiff leather shoes.

Miyako called me into a family meeting as soon as I arrived. Inside was a disheveled-looking Ichigo and Miyako, as well as an irritated Ruby. We sat around the dining table.

“Sensei! Do you have any idea of what you just did?”

I did. I slouched down in defeat.

“I’m happy that you decided to tell the truth. But couldn’t you have told us earlier about your plan?”

Still, I couldn’t help but be amused that the criticism was coming from Ruby. Pot calling the kettle black. This pot had her arms cutely folded.

I tried to soothe her. “Ruby-chan, I don’t know. I wasn’t planning on saying anything at all. But I was really moved by the funeral, so I wanted to tell the truth. I’m sorry for inconveniencing all of you.”

Ruby rolled her eyes. Miyako gave a parental sigh of disbelief.

“That one speech changed a whole lot of things. Many friends are demanding to see you and talk to you. Others have called me insane. And lastly, if the press gets wind of us backing up your crazy words, it’s going to be the end of our family being taken seriously.”

Whew… did I wreck Ruby’s top idol career in just one minute? I stared guiltily down onto the table’s solid wood.

Ichigo spoke up.

“Not all is lost. I can give the press my side of the story first, saying that there was an incident at the funeral and we clamped down on it quickly. No one would’ve recorded anything, so it’s just our word against any random leaker’s.”

“Only the people at the funeral need to know the truth about Aqua. For the rest of the world, we’re free to let them know that Aqua is still dead.”

Miyako replied, “That’ll work with the press. But how should we handle all the attendees?”

Great question. Mem-cho had given me inspiration on how to tackle this!

“Isn’t it simple, Miyako-san? I’ll just meet them as usual. They can draw their own conclusions about whether I was Aqua or not.”

“But… you’re different enough from Aqua on the outside that not many will believe the two of you were the same, Sensei,” Ruby pointed out.

“I have a plan, Ruby-chan. Trust me on it.” I smiled at her confidently.

===

The plan.

I knocked on Ruby’s door.

“Ruby-chan!”

“What is it? Come on in, Sensei.”

I opened the door to see Ruby stretching on a mat. She had worked up quite a sweat in her workout clothing. Her ponytail and casual wear reminded me of behind-the-scenes dance practice videos featuring Ai.

I was still reminded of Ai every time I saw her. Dangerously cute. Dangerously alluring.

I bowed my head 90 degrees right as I entered. No, I wasn’t apologizing for ogling her. “Ruby-chan! Please, let me watch the movie!” Ai’s death must have been the turning point of Aqua’s life. I had to watch it to understand him.

Ruby stood up with a growing frown on her face. “Sensei, I told you. You can’t watch the movie! Wait until it comes out in theaters!”

I explained my plan. “I was thinking of how to reconcile with Arima-san and my other friends. I’m planning to act out the role of Aqua when I meet them. The only way I can be convincing is if I really understand him. So I need all the resources and help I can get regarding Aqua!”

If my memories wouldn’t cooperate, then I would have to do it the hard way. But Ruby shot me down. “No, Sensei. You can’t do that! Don’t bring Aqua back!”

I was dumbfounded. “Huh? Why not?”

“You can’t, Sensei! Find another way to make your friends believe you without bringing him back!”

She wasn’t explaining anything. I was getting confused. “I thought you missed Aqua, Ruby-chan. Why are you against me trying to learn about Aqua and act like him?”

Ruby realized that she couldn’t wiggle her way out of explaining. She looked conflicted. Her weight shifted repeatedly between her left and right foot as she considered.

“First, what Aqua experienced with Ai’s death is something no one should ever go through. That’s why you shouldn’t watch the movie.”

“Second, I don’t want Aqua back at all. I don’t trust him anymore. If you ever turned into Aqua or became like him, I would scorn you and never talk to you ever again. Please just remain as you are!”

I was befuddled. “Ruby-chan, what do you mean? Why don’t you trust Aqua?”

She clenched her fists as she cried out aggrievedly.

“Sensei, isn’t it obvious!! Aqua is the one who died and left me alone in this shitty world. He’s the one who decided to kill himself without any consideration for me or others! How else am I supposed to feel about this damn Aqua!”

“His corpse can rot in hell for all I care. Aqua’s personality and memories might come back if you keep looking! Sensei, you absolutely can’t turn into Aqua!”

That anger from the hospital came back in a flash. She had been holding back because I was no longer Aqua and I was forgiven. But now that Aqua was digging his way out of his grave, she was scared.

I… I left Ruby behind in this world.

Did I really do this as Aqua? How unforgivable.

My guilt started bubbling into the air like water on a searing hot pan. Aqua’s guilt that I inherited would never escape me. Hahaha.

Ruby had forgiven Gorou, but she hadn’t forgiven Aqua. I was innocent because I did nothing and remembered nothing. But if I were to recover my memories or restore his personality, then I would be condemned. I might lose Ruby forever.

Ruby, Akane, and Mem-cho all preferred me as Gorou. Kana and the others wanted Aqua. But I didn’t want to choose between the two. I was greedy so I wanted be friends with everyone, not to mention learn about my past. Was there a way to keep everyone satisfied?

Hmm, I had a solution. If Aqua were an accomplished actor, then I could be one as well. I just needed to act the role out while maintaining my own true persona, like any good actor would.

“Ruby-chan, I know how you feel. Aqua broke your trust, and you won’t ever forgive him.”

I spoke clearly. I wanted Ruby to feel that I understood her.

I continued. “I promise, then, that I won’t ever turn into Aqua. I just want to understand and be able to act like him. I’m asking this favor of you because I want my friends to believe that I was really Aqua.”

Ruby pursed her lips. “Sensei, there’s no way you can guarantee that. Even if your memories never return, you’ve turned into Aqua before. His personality is only a shade away from yours. It’s not impossible you won’t do so again!”

Her words rang true - we weren’t so different from each other. One bad experience, and I could easily follow his lead.

Come to think of it, how had Aqua been ensnared in the dark cycle of revenge? His original idol, Sarina, was still alive in Ruby. Didn’t Aqua have someone to protect? Didn’t he need to serve as her role model after Ai’s death?

Or maybe, Aqua didn’t even know about Ruby’s past life. Ruby was adamant about hiding Sarina. Had she hidden it from even Aqua?

“Ruby-chan, did you ever tell Aqua about your past life as Sarina-chan?”

She looked embarrassed. “Er… I did tell him, but only just a half a year ago. I didn’t know you were reincarnated as Aqua until the same time, hahaha.” A nervous laugh at the end.

Wow. We were both terrible at communicating. Almost two decades of living together, and we weren’t close enough to tell each other’s secrets until the end. But that told half of Aqua’s story already.

“Then, Ruby-chan, that’s why Aqua turned dark after Ai’s death. He never knew he still had you.”

Ruby looked down and away. She was heartbroken. I said it too bluntly and cruelly. I tried to brush the topic off quickly.

“But as long as you’re still alive as my idol, then I can guarantee that I’ll never turn into Aqua. Even if his memories and personality come back, I’ll shut them out! You can drag me out from the abyss, I promise!”

I held her warm hands and spoke confidently to recapture her focus. If Sarina was still alive, then I wouldn’t be afraid of anything.

“But… Sensei… Okay, fine. You promised, alright? I won’t let you forget that.”

She squeezed my hands weakly. I was stretching the limits of her trust at a time when her guilt left her vulnerable. But I intended to hold onto my word dearly.

===

Ruby gave me permission to watch the movie. Not only that, but she would give me pointers and lessons on Hoshino Aqua.

Come to think of it, who else understood him well? As Mem-cho mentioned, it was Akane. She had dated Aqua for a long time and was also an accomplished actor. I wanted to use everything in my power to help me properly act as Aqua.

However, I didn’t want to burden Akane with a troublesome task. Would she approve of the plan, and would she be happy to devote time and energy to helping me?

I always hesitated to ask others for help. I was the lone wolf, happy to shoulder the burdens of others but unwilling to share my own.

But suddenly, Akane’s face came back to me. A voice of helplessness lamenting Aqua’s deadly choice that he made alone. Tears of sorrow falling from her eyes.

I couldn’t walk down the same road that Aqua had – nothing but hell was waiting for me at the end. If I wanted a good ending for myself and my friends, I could never repeat Aqua’s mistakes.  I absolutely had to ask my partner-in-crime for help.

I called her on my phone. She picked up on the second ring.

“Akane-san, how are you doing?” I asked quietly.

 “Gorou-kun! Did you call me only just now to apologize? Seriously, I’m a little mad.” Her soft voice came out more forced than usual.

Yikes, I completely forgot. I was normally conscientious about these little details, but the alcohol had me overlooking absolutely everything tonight. She must’ve been out for hours trying to justify my words to her friends.

If I hadn’t called… Okay, let’s not think about that. “I’m sorry, Akane-san! I was rash at the funeral. I’ve really inconvenienced you this time!”

I could hear her pouting over the phone. “Gorou-kun, you don’t need to apologize for inconveniencing me. I’m happy to help you, but as partners-in-crime, you need to tell me if you’re planning on doing anything!”

“I wasn’t really planning on doing anything beforehand… haha.” I could only force out a chuckle. What a weak response.

“… Okay, Gorou-kun. I believe you.”

She trusted me. I decided to bring up my topic.

“I’ve learned from my mistake! I actually have a crazy request for you today. Please hear me out!”

“Really? Tell me what it is!”

“I think the best way to reconcile with Arima-san is to learn how to act as Aqua! As Aqua, I want to apologize to her for dying and formally request that she and Gorou become friends! So Akane-sensei. Please, teach me about Aqua and how to act like him!”

Akane was bewildered. “Akane-sensei???”

She took a few moments to recover, and then she continued with a newfound zest. This person in question seemed to be extremely excited, like I had hit upon her favorite topic.

“Um, that’s a wild plan, but I think that’ll work! Gorou-kun, you have the right person! I know all of Aqua-kun’s likes, preferences, and mannerisms. Hehehe, let me instruct you where you’re lacking!”

A wave of goosebumps swept over my entire body. She spoke so casually, as if she knew Aqua’s every thought. Had Akane been watching me closely all along?

Still, I was glad that she didn’t view me as a burden. “Thank you, Akane-sensei. I’ll be glad to learn from you.”

A slight pause. “Gorou-kun, just remember this. All you’re doing is playing the role of Aqua. Don’t lose yourself in him.”

Akane brought up an eerily similar warning to Ruby’s. She too must’ve seen the possibility of me picking up his traits.

I glanced at my reflection in the window. My own hazel eyes stared back at me. Hazel, not blue. I curled my free hand into a fist to reaffirm my identity.

“I will."

Afterwards, I informed Ruby about adding Akane to the mix. Ruby was a bit reluctant, but it couldn’t be helped given how useful Akane would be. They collaborated and decided to first give me a special cut of the upcoming movie. I didn’t know what changes they would make, but I had to twiddle my thumbs until it was done.

In the meantime, I spent the next day watching Aqua’s TV shows and films. I binged watched Love Now, Dig Deep, Tokyo Blade, and more. He had accumulated quite a bit of screentime over the years.

It was hard to learn from these shows. I took detailed notes and copied his mannerisms, but his heart was hidden. Each time, he was playing a defined character on screen. The poignant moments revealing his personality seemed to be few and far between. I would have to rely on Akane and Ruby.

Chapter Text

The first day of the New Year.

I had asked Miyako earlier if they planned to visit a shrine and offer a prayer. She preferred to defer by a few days and visit a local shrine when it was less busy, given Ruby’s fame and our official state of mourning.

Meanwhile, Akane and Ruby brought the film edit after a day of hard work. I settled down to watch it in my room. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Would the film bring me closer to Ai and Aqua? Would it scar me permanently? Ai’s face tantalized me from all four corners of my room.

As Akane explained, the film would start closer to the end, right as Amamiya Gorou first met Hoshino Ai in the hospital. It would feature extended cuts using the scenes from our childhood.

Why was the beginning of the movie skipped? Apparently, this cut would help me properly relive Aqua’s experience. The rest of the film wouldn’t be relevant for now. I felt like I had been cheated, but she insisted on the necessity of skipping.

Enough contemplating. I slotted the USB stick into my laptop and started the movie.

My eyes popped open at the opening scene. The movie was filmed right in Takachiho General Hospital.

Ai… no, Ruby. She looked just like the real Ai. With her purple haired wig, I had trouble telling the difference between the two. Her eyes, nose, lips all featured the same gentle curves and unblemished perfection as Ai’s.

Ai!!!!!

Ai sat with her face flushed on her hospital bed, ruffling the heads of the newborn Aqua and Ruby.

I rubbed my hands together as I excitedly settled in. Me as Ai’s child… this was beautiful to think about. In just a few moments, I immersed myself completely as the child of Ai, Hoshino Aquamarine. This was my real past. I would finally have the chance to get closer to the one and only Aqua.

===

Ai’s cute face filled my vision. She titled her head and smiled at me. I was in heaven.

I heard a thump and crying from nearby. She moved away from me.

Ai: “What’s wrong, Aqua?”

She held up Ruby and brought Ruby to her chest.

Saito: “That’s Ruby. And you call yourself a mother?”

Ai: “Hmph. What can I say? I’m bad at pairing names with faces. Japanese men have all sorts of fantasies about how mothers should be.”

Saito: “Don’t go all international on me when you don’t even have a passport. You said you’d never go on location overseas, remember?”

Ai: “Well, I do remember the names of people I think are talented, President Satou.”

Saito: “Close. My name is Saito, you damned idol.”

I laughed. On top of me remembering her as being ridiculously cute and confident, she was also hopeless.

===

Interviewer: “So Ai-san, this is your first day back on the job. Are you okay? Are you eating properly?”

Ai: “Yes, I’m eating a ton! Oh right! Speaking of food, the other day, my kids-”

Ai: “Pffft. Oh, I mean, my kittens! I adopted them during my recovery! Oh my, I’m always blurting such strange things…”

I coughed. Cute but beyond hopeless.

Interviewer: “How about that… And now! B-Komachi, please set up for your performance!”

Cameraman: “We’ll be switching cameras in thirty seconds. Thank for your help, give us a stellar show!”

Assistant: “B-Komachi… Do you know them?”

Cameraman: “Nope. And I’m not interested.”

Assistant 2: “I heard their CD. However you want to take it, they’re just average.”

Assistant 3: “Mass-produced idols… All I could compliment is their center’s face.”

Saito: Great, bring it on! My Ai is a professional liar!

As the music kicked into gear, my gaze couldn’t help but be sucked into Ai’s. The brightest star. Her face, singing voice, and lithe movements were the instant center of attention of the galaxy.

The president was crazy for hiding Ai’s secret. If people ever found out, his job was toast. But I understood. In front of Ai who was the flame, us moths would continue to swarm around her even if our wings would burn off.

===

Ai: “If you’re scared of falling, you’ll fall more. Be bolder. Shoulders back, chest out.”

Ai: “It’ll be fine. Trust Mama.”

Ai held Ruby up.

Ai’s eyes spoke with kindness. It was okay to trust your body, to stand up with a straight chest, to move with grace and fluidity.

===

Gotanda: “Look, it’s the manager’s kid. I don’t mind that you’re here. But if you start crying and we have to stop filming, I’m shutting you out.”

Me: “Though we may be just babies, we shall strive to never make such blunders! I’m aware that not hindering production is the number one rule. Please show favor to our agency’s Ai going forward!”

I bowed over and over again to demonstrate my sincerity. I couldn’t afford to mess up one of Ai’s rare non-idol opportunities.

===

Saito: “Next week, we’re finally performing at the dome!”

Saito choked me with a force unbefitting for keeping a young child like me alive.

Ai: “He’s certainly in a good mood.”

Miyako: “It was always his dream to have an idol he nurtured to perform at the Dome.”

The sweet moments piled up, one after another as if I were in a dream. But I was floating in between states of consciousness, just starting to wake up. Ai’s death was near, but I didn’t know exactly when. Dread creeped up into my heart.

===

The doorbell rang.

Ai: “Could this be the president? Coming!”

She toddled up to the front door. No!

The end had already arrived. Ai… don’t answer the door. Don’t answer it!

Ai didn’t respond to me.

A field of flowers filled my view. A knife entered its way into Ai’s gut.

My dreams had shattered. I was forced awake by a bucket of ice-cold blood poured over my head.

Ai and the assassin were exchanging pointless dialogue. The pool of soaked blood on her clothes was expanding, inch by inch.

Why couldn’t I save her? I was a doctor.

No… her knife wound looked deep. There was too much bleeding. She wasn’t going to make it to the hospital alive.

The assassin had already vanished. I finally tuned into Ai’s words. The situation was already hopeless. I needed to focus on Ai and what she would say for the last time.

Ai: “Ruby, your parents’ day dance was really good. I thought later on, you just might become an idol too.”

Ai: “Someday, if it all goes well… it would be fun to do a mother-daughter show, wouldn’t it?”

Ai: “And maybe you’ll be an actor, Aqua. I wonder what kind of adults you’ll grow into.”

…

Ai: “Oh, I have to say this. Ruby. Aqua. I love you.”

Ai: “Oh, I finally said it. I’m sorry. It took me way too long. Thank goodness, these words were 100 percent not a lie.

“Ai!! Ai!! Ai!!!!”

My scream echoed the scream coming from my laptop. I shook the screen like I was trying to wake her back up.

The stench of death filling the air. The suffocating wetness of blood touching my body. The last light in Ai’s eyes fading away. The paradise I had imagined with her three words had turned into hell.

My head, clothes, and feet were soaked with her freezing blood. No matter if I were standing still or walking about or looking back, I would always perceive and feel her final moments.

Without Ai… I had nothing left in the world. An Ai-less world was colorless and meaningless. I had to escape. I could die again to forsake my burden and forget my regrets.

No, wait, not yet.

Blond hair and a purple iris emerged from the darkness of the screen. I saw a shadowy grin spread across my vision. My father, Kamiki Hikaru, appeared on screen for the first time. The black holes in his eyes read the breaking news report with unhinged glee.

His grin told me everything. He had planned and orchestrated Ai’s death. He was guilty of swallowing the brightest star in the night sky. He had cut off my source of warmth and plunged me into absolute zero.

I would make him pay for his sin. I had something to live for. To kill him.

Chapter Text

“Gorou-kun, you raised your voice at the end again.”

…

“Gorou-kun, you’re too animated with your hands and expressions.”

…

“Talk slower. Aqua-kun usually didn’t show this much enthusiasm.”

I was a little annoyed now. I slapped my head. “Come to think of it, Akane-sensei. This guy. Was he this positively depressing?”

Akane covered her mouth and chuckled. “He was a little gloomy, I guess.”

We strolled in circles around the imperial palace, where a rare overnight snowstorm had blanketed the grounds in white. Joggers passed by as the sky continued to sprinkle us with a few lingering flurries.

Akane was roleplaying a conversation from a date that she had previously enjoyed with Aqua. I was acting out my part as Aqua while trying to retrace the same footprints that he had set in the snow.

Even after I watched the movie, we were still setting off on different paths. Akane made comment after comment, correction after correction, but I couldn’t quite nail the role. I decided to ask a more fundamental question first.

“Akane-sensei, how do you usually figure out a character?”

Akane smiled. “Normally, I first study all publicly available information about them. Things like their outwards behavior, history, and characteristics. Then, I piece things together like a detective to backsolve a person’s motivations and emotions.”

“Wow… You’re truly a genius. I couldn’t even dream of figuring things out like you can.”

“No, no, you definitely could, Gorou-kun!” She blushed and waved her hands around. “You’re a genius in your own right.”

I sighed. Yes, I was a genius in figuring out how to make the people around me miserable.

“But it’s uncanny how well you’re able to pick up roles. In Love Now, were you playing the role of Ai? You acted and sounded just like her.” Right as Akane re-entered the show, she started shining with Ai’s overwhelming magnetism and charisma. Her role flipped from being the show’s background screensaver to front and center.

“Mmm. So you figured it out!”

“Truly something that only a genius could do, unlike me…” I wistfully said. Akane had morphed into Ai - a complete stranger - in the span of a day, while I was standing on a privileged position as Aqua’s predecessor, struggling to take a single baby step.

Akane grew stern. “Gorou-kun, that’s not the right way to think about acting at all! Don’t just give up and think acting is only reserved for geniuses or the like. You have everything it takes to act properly as Aqua-kun. You can act as him, Ai, or anyone else in the world. Just focus on finding the right emotions and experiences to draw from, and set your mind into the right state.”

Akane had gotten a little irritated at my self-deprecating words. I backed off a little.

“Then, Akane-sensei, what do you think I should do? I’m trying to imitate Aqua’s behavior, but you keep saying my performance is off.”

Akane put a finger to her lip. “Hmm… I think you’re struggling because there’s not enough reference material. Unlike any of us, you haven’t interacted with Aqua, so you’re not familiar with him. His TV and public persona is also just an act.”

“I wished that I recovered at least some of Aqua’s memories,” I remarked. “This would make my job a lot easier.”

She urged, “You can draw him out without relying on his memories. Try to think more fundamentally, back to Aqua’s motivations and emotions. I can help you make minor behavioral tweaks, but you need to properly grasp his inner self first.”

Aqua’s emotions. Would I need to understand them? My heart began racing at the mere suggestion of revisiting that harrowing scene.

As I went to bed last night, I tried to avoid processing the tragedy I witnessed. I buried my newfound Aqua persona underground as a means of protecting myself.

I wasn’t the one who had spent all night tossing and turning. Aqua had been.

I wasn’t dwelling endlessly on Ai’s dead eyes. Aqua had been.

I wasn’t festering my hatred against Kamiki’s soulless grin. Aqua had been.

I had drawn a thick, opaque curtain between me and Aqua. And today, I was trying to act without drawing into yesterday’s emotions as a reference. But this meant my performance wasn’t genuine; I was simply acting as myself with a layer of whipped cream at the top.

This couldn’t continue. I had no time to waste. Every day that passed by was another day where I couldn’t meet my friends’ expectations.

I closed my eyes to focus. I needed a new approach. I had to acknowledge his existence and accept him so that I could draw from him. But how would I handle him?

Aqua’s persona already lurked in the shadows of my mind, ready to surface whenever I was alone with my thoughts. At night, with no distractions or company to shield me, my mind had already run wild. During the day, if I fully set him free, then what would become of me?

The confidence I had in my promise with Ruby was shaken. I was afraid of losing myself in Hoshino Aqua.

“Hey, Gorou-kun. You haven’t spoken for a few minutes. Are you okay?” Akane interrupted my internal monologue.

I looked around to see Akane stopped a meter behind me. She tucked her hair behind her ears to get a better look into my eyes. My eyes were shrouded with fear.

I shared my honest thoughts. “I’m just worried… if I set Aqua free and let him act, then will I turn into him?”

As Akane pondered, the steady patter of muffled footsteps from passerby filled the silence between us.

She said gently, “I know that movie yesterday must’ve been traumatizing for you. But you won’t turn into him, as long as you keep this in mind.”

Her next words wrapped around me like a thick blanket on a frigid winter night.

 “Everything is all right now. Ai is sitting peacefully up in heaven, Ruby-chan is safe and alive, and Kamiki is dead.”

…

You were right, Akane. That was the dividing line between me and Aqua. My Aqua persona dived into a world of fiction. A world with a deadly monster, a slain mother, and revenge as the only reason left for my existence.

I was in a universe where justice had been delivered and my first oshi was still alive. No matter how long my thoughts wandered or my mind felt unsettled, I would never turn into him. His universe was different from mine.

I just needed to be confident. I could stand on a frozen lake and ice fish without fearing the plunge into cold water.

“Thank you, Akane-sensei. That’s exactly what I needed to hear.”

Akane smiled. “If you’re ever in doubt, you can come talk to me.”

I nodded. She was at my back, watching me like an angel.

“Let me think through Aqua then. No point in sweating the details until I get the big picture.”

We resumed walking side by side. “Speaking of the big picture, Gorou-kun, there’s one thing you need to know. Between Aqua-kun and Kana-chan, their relationship with each other was…”

She blushed a little as she continued. I tilted my head. Was she too afraid to say it directly? I interjected to save her the embarrassment of saying it out loud. It wasn’t great knowing your boyfriend was loved by other people.

“Do mean that Arima-san liked Aqua? I already knew that, hahaha…”

I scratched my head as Akane choked a little bit. Oops, I was too direct.

“No, not that! I mean, yes, that’s true. I was going to say that. But what I wanted to add was that Aqua-kun liked Kana-chan as well.”

???

Did I hear that wrongly? I tilted my head as I asked Akane to repeat herself.

No, she said the same thing. I didn’t have any hearing issues. That was wild. I had dropped straight into the plot of a romantic comedy.

“I see. Did Aqua start liking Arima-san after we broke up?”

Akane fidgeted her fingers. “Um… I think he started feeling that way during our relationship, and even after we broke up…”

… I had trouble responding to that.

===

The next day at home, I sat on the couch to focus on my analysis of Aqua.

Like an elementary schooler, I had drawn a T-chart on a page showing the positive and negatives of Aqua’s emotions and persona. The movie ended when Aqua was four, so I had fourteen-year gap to fill. I clicked my pen repeatedly as I kept thinking.

I pictured Aqua’s major decisions and tried to model what my version of Aqua would’ve done. Yet I felt a constant nagging from my brain, like I was missing something important. Questions danced around.

Why did Aqua like Kana? Akane said she wasn’t completely sure. I had to figure it out myself.

More importantly, why did Aqua throw himself off a cliff together with Kamiki? Aqua must’ve known that him being alive was the most important thing to Ruby.

The clicking noise attracted Ruby’s attention as she passed by the hallway. She waltzed in and dropped herself down onto the office couch with me.

“Sensei, what are you working on?” She leaned over to peek at my paper while putting a hand on my shoulder.

“I’m working on my character study for Aqua. I want to understand him properly, so I’ve tried to list out his emotions and tendencies.”

She was instantly hooked. I held my breath waiting for her reply as she looked over my paper. This was a test of my emotional resonance with Aqua. Ruby would tell me if I hit the mark.

Ruby frowned. “Sensei, you’re missing one big emotion on Aqua’s part. It’s guilt.”

“Guilt? Huh? For what reason?” I was dumbfounded. Aqua had no reason to feel more guilty than Gorou had.

Well, that wasn’t quite true. Aqua, the former medical doctor, must have felt deep regret over not being able to save Ai’s life.

But this wouldn’t be burdensome enough to dominate his personality. I knew guilt firsthand. Gorou was carrying the burden of his mother’s death in his heart, but he had plenty of fun. Guilt could also be alleviated. Gorou’s guilt had whittled and dulled away over the years by doing good deeds and practicing as an obstetrician.

Ruby sensed that I was clueless. She explained in detail.

“About Aqua’s guilt, it’s the kind of guilt that he built over his lifetime. From the moment Ai died, his personality started becoming twisted. He set revenge as his goal, so he manipulated people however he could to get there.”

“His first step was to apprentice himself to Gotanda-san, the director. And from then on, he tried hard to be famous so that he could have enough influence to make the movie.”

“To do all this, Aqua used his lying eyes, the kind that have the star charisma to make others do his bidding.”

Ruby leaned in, her face mere inches from my own. Her warm breath tickled my cheeks, and I could see every delicate curve of her soft lips. But it was her starry eyes that held me captive.

Her irises deepened into on a darker hue of red than I’d ever seen, while her pupils took on a twin veil of shining darkness. They radiated a light that was all at once soulless, empty, and captivating. I was spellbound. I felt like a marionette being pulled by strings above, at the mercy of Ruby’s will, yet I was happy to dance however she desired.

“So these are the lying eyes. I have it, Aqua had it, and so did Kamiki and Ai. Together, we each manipulated our own way into being stars.”

Ruby drew away, with her eyes still flashing a brilliant black.

Lying eyes. I couldn’t look away from her. I was her prisoner.

“But you can’t use these eyes without losing your sanity. Deep down inside, Aqua wasn’t that kind of person at all. Each time Aqua used others, his heart must’ve broken little by little.”

I shook off Ruby’s spell, slowly and steadily.

Was this the case, really? From my point of view, it didn’t seem like he kept prisoners. Aqua was universally beloved.

After a pause, I responded doubtfully. “Everyone loved and missed Aqua at the funeral. Nobody was happy to see him gone. How could he have felt that he was using others?”

Ruby replied.

“Aqua managed it so that other people would still benefit even if he manipulated them. But he found it hard to act like an evil mastermind even if he was doing well by others. Nobody faulted him, yet he kept on crushing his own heart out of guilt.”

“I know this because I’d done the same for the sake of revenge. After I realized you’d died in Miyazaki, I lied and cheated to avenge your death and Ai’s death. Nobody hated or blamed me for it, but I felt that I was falling apart inside. I wasn’t saved until I realized that you were reborn as Aqua.”

I looked down onto my own hands. “I see.”

Even if my hands were still stained red with the blood from my mother, I couldn’t have called them a liar’s hands. I wouldn’t have made promises that I couldn’t keep. Even now, my interactions with people were genuine.

If I were to stain my hands and eyes with black like Aqua, then I don’t know what I would’ve done to feel clean. Maybe there was no redemption out of being a manipulator. Guilty by choice, and not by circumstance.

In Aqua’s eyes, he had become dirty after many long and weary years, and he saw self-sacrifice as the only means to redemption.

My own hands were suddenly taken by Ruby’s. She was kneeling on the ground, pleading up to me. “Sensei! Please don’t feel guilty. If you’re thinking of anything weird, don’t do it. Just live for my sake. That’s all I ask for!”

Now that I knew the truth about Aqua, she was telling me not to wear his shoes, not to abandon her. I could do that.

“I hear you, Ruby. No matter what, I won’t follow him.”

She shouldn’t have been kneeling on the ground. We were equals. I pulled her up into a hug.

“Sensei, thank you!!” A muffled voice. Warmth.

Her demeanor sparkled like the sun peeking out after a long thunderstorm, with rainbows and mist hanging in the air to bring color to the world. Her eyes returned to their usual bright and genuine flair.

Hang on, I had a pressing question on my mind.

“Ruby-chan, I have a question for you. Why didn’t you tell Aqua and everyone about your past as Sarina? You kept it from Aqua for a long time, and everyone else even now.”

“Eh…?” A fabulous shade of pink found her way onto her cheeks.

I elaborated on a point I’d made before. “I was thinking that… everything would have been okay for both you and Aqua if we had known each other’s secrets since the beginning.” If Aqua’s road had diverged just a little bit earlier, then I would still be standing here as Aqua, talking and laughing with Ruby.

Ruby responded bashfully. “It’s that… I had nothing in my previous life. I spent all day in the hospital. I didn’t have any memories, hobbies, or interesting stories to tell. My current life as Ruby is a lot more exciting.”

I understand. Except for me, she sees no connection with her life as Sarina anymore.

“It’s okay, Ruby. I get you. I’m at fault as well since I didn’t do my part either to share my past.”

“But still, couldn’t you have at least said something about your reincarnation when we were meeting your friends for the first time? There’s no way Ruby-chan would have legitimately befriended an old doctor like me.” I laughed in despair after finishing.

Ruby was still shy. “But, if I revealed anything, then they would have known right away about me spending all my previous life in a hospital, right? How else would I have gotten so close to a doctor? I… just don’t want anyone to pity me. They shouldn’t.”

I patted her hair gently.

“You’re projecting too much, Ruby-chan. No one would connect a bunch of random dots like that.”

“More than that, no one will pity you as you are now. You’re living the life that you’ve always dreamed of. And you’re kind and genuine to everyone, so no one will ever think poorly of you.”

I could’ve praised her endlessly. Ruby nodded weakly in acknowledgement but didn’t respond.

No matter, I wouldn’t pursue it any further. I would let her do as she pleased. This was her life, after all.

Words fell silent between us two. All of a sudden, I became self-conscious of her distance as I realized my body was getting warm. She was so close ever since we ended our hug, and she was still straddling me on the couch.

An ordinary friend would have sat back down on the couch after hugging, but Ruby had decided to unashamedly perch herself on my legs.

“Ru-”. My words of escape were swallowed halfway down my throat. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I was trapped under her body weight with no choice but to sit.

The sudden quiet heightened the tension in my heart. As long as we were still talking, our proximity wasn’t noticeable, but now, there was nothing else to focus on.

My eyes wandered, searching for a new topic of conversation to grasp onto. My gaze fell on the unblemished smoothness of her skin, the barely parted opening of her lips, the graceful curve of her nose.

Her starry eyes loomed closer and closer in my vision. The elegant curve of her long eyelashes, the delicate weave of patterns of ruby on her iris, and the magnetism of her pupils which demanded center stage.

My heart beat faster and faster. Prisoner, prisoner, prisoner.

These thoughts were careening rapidly in the wrong direction.

I looked sideways to try and redirect my thinking. Honestly, what were my feelings towards her? I had always been conscious of Sarina-chan as a close friend, but not necessarily as a romantic interest. I'd shot down her previous pleas at marriage without thinking seriously about it.

But on the stage with just me and Ruby, Ruby was now asking for an answer, something that I couldn’t brush off with a perfunctory word. Did I see her in a romantic light, or as someone to take care of like a younger sister? Yet, I knew that I was physically attracted to her.

Ruby didn’t share any of my concerns. She was looking fixedly into my eyes the entire time. A delicate whisper from her. “Sensei… you look a little embarrassed.”

She stroked my left cheek slowly with her fingers, like I was her favorite person in the entire world. I shivered with raw excitement from her warm touch.

“I… uh…,” I croaked. What was I trying to say? The words out of my mouth were smooth just a minute earlier. She giggled.

No… this wasn’t good. If Miyako walked in on us, then my life would be over. I couldn’t take responsibility yet. Sweat beaded down my face as I broke from her intense gaze.

I hurriedly made up an excuse to gently move Ruby aside and make my way to my room. I could see Ruby looking a little disappointed as I scampered away in panic.

===

It was January 8^th, a week after I had watched the movie. Our family finally set its way to a local shrine. The crowds had died down after the first few days of the new year, so we were able to visit in peace.

I would be visiting Kana’s apartment tomorrow, and this time by myself. As I dropped in the coin and clapped, I prayed to deliver the perfect performance. Something that would even move the gods.

Chapter Text

Regret. These unwelcome thoughts blew in like a chilly wind through a broken window in a cabin.

After witnessing Kamiki betray the forgiveness I had extended, I revived the plan I had once set aside. An icy sendoff for Kamiki, a flawless coverup to keep Ruby’s name clear, and redemption for my guilt-stained hands.

But in my final moments resting in the ocean, I didn’t feel the warmth of the log cabin that I had built. My body lay shivering in the water, surrounded by regret.

With my death, I had left Ruby, Kana, Akane, and others all alone. Without even a goodbye note to deliver my last words and give them closure.

Right at my last moment in the sea, I made a prayer to the gods. Please, let me send one last word from the grave. I never had the chance to say sorry and thank you.

Maybe the gods had heard my call, so after my death, I was whisked back to Earth as a ghostly observer in the body of my former self, Amamiya Gorou. I could see and observe through the body of my former self, Amamiya Gorou, but I couldn’t make my voice or thoughts heard by anyone.

I watched Gorou stumble as he woke up in a world that had advanced twenty years. With a stroke of luck, he met Sarina, but everything else was a struggle. He had reconnected with some friends but failed with others. I could only wring my hands in helplessness.  

But today of all days was a miracle. For just a moment, I was finally more than an observer. I was standing here with full control of my old body, feeling the warm welcome of the mild morning air instead of the choking grip of the freezing ocean.

No time to dwell on the present. I had an important message to deliver to Kana. Her apartment wasn’t far.

The train doors hissed open as I slipped out with practiced ease. I weaved through clusters of people and sidestepped inbound commuters. With every step, her apartment building grew larger in my view. My calm, deliberate stride masked the storm raging within.

I was now right at the entrance. I buzzed the intercom.

“Arima, it’s me. I have a message for you.” Ruby had messaged Kana that Gorou was coming with a farewell letter, penned by Aqua.

The main door unlocked with a metallic clang. I paced my way up the steps carefully.

As I rapped my knuckles against the metal door, I heard a cry from inside the apartment. “Coming!!” The sound of light footsteps from inside drew closer.

The door opened inwards, revealing a familiar sight: a curtain of red hair, a stylish black cap, and a casual dark sweater paired with a long skirt. Her eyes met mine. A neutral, if not curious expression on her face. 

“Well, come in, Amamiya-san.” She glanced towards my empty hands as if she wondered whether I was carrying a letter.

I took off my shoes in silence. We sat at the dining table.

That letter was me. I was here to manipulate Kana one last time. But this time, it wasn’t for my benefit. I just hoped to see her off with a smile and into a future without regrets.

“Arima. I want to apologize for my actions,” I began. “Specifically, for carelessly confronting Kamiki and throwing my life away. I-”

“Huhh?? What are you-” She interrupted me. Her flaming red eyes were lit with surprise.

I cut her off.

“Please listen carefully. I want to explain why I did that.”

“During my years as the old Amamiya Gorou, the death of a young patient at my hospital shook me to my core. She was the biggest fan of Ai. I found a way of moving on and honoring her memory by following Ai in her place.”

“I died and then was reborn as Aqua. I was happy these few years living together with Ai. But after Ai was murdered, I lived in hell. My world had lost color and meaning, and I found solace by plotting revenge against my mother’s killer.”

“For the sake of revenge, I manipulated and lied to people so that I could build influence and connections. I used you to jumpstart Ruby’s idol career and make her popular. I sold out my mother’s secret to the world not just for your sake, but also to make the movie possible.”

Kana interjected again. She screeched, “How do you know all of this? That letter from Aqua. Where is it?”

I continued, ignoring her question for now. “But I lost myself in revenge. I was haunted by guilt every waking moment for how I used people. I no longer believed my life had value, so I treated it as a disposable tool to take down Kamiki.”

Kana lost her question amid my reveal. She sat limply with her eyes unblinking and her lips parted in surprise.

“Arima Kana,” I said slowly. “There was no letter. I know all of this, because I am Hoshino Aqua.”

“Eh?” An uncharacteristically gentle mutter from her open lips. Her brain processed my words in real time. She reached up with quivering, trembling hands to take off her cap.

“Aqua? Wait, you’re not lying to me, are you?”

I shook my head.  

“Aqua? Hoshino Aqua? Is it really you?”

I nodded. “Yes, it’s me.”

“Did you, did you get your memories back? Do you remember everything now? Do you remember me?”

I gave a wry smile. “I got some of them back. I remember bits and pieces. But I remember you, Arima.”

Kana gasped, pushing back her chair as she stood and walked to my side. Even while standing, she was only inches taller than me.

She studied me, observing my smile and my posture as she took me in. Then, leaning in with her right arm folded back as if to embrace me, she instead delivered a slap to my cheek.

I briefly exhaled in surprise. It stung. She had slapped me quite seriously.

She cried out, “I bet that you don’t remember your promise to me at all, you idiot!”

A promise? “I’m sorry, Arima. I don’t remember.”

The strength had gone out of her legs. She grasped onto my shoulders for support. I stood up and supported her back while gently lowering her into my seat, while I took a seat in the vacated chair.

“You promised that you wouldn’t ever talk about dying. But a couple months later, you ended up jumping off into such a hellish place and dying for real!”

“I warned you that if you died, I would slap your corpse and curse you. So that’s exactly what I did, you goddamn corpse. Why am I the one here who can actually keep a promise?”

Her tears poured out like a faucet turned on to full. She began wiping the tears with her sweater to prevent them from dripping down her face. Her voice continued to choke. She pointed a finger at me with a free hand, like she was sentencing me with guilt.

“When you – you had gone out to the sea, I looked for you, d-d-day and night. I searched and searched until my legs stopped listening to me. I – I never gave up hope that you would come back.”

My voice was low. “Arima, I’m sorry. I left you in the dark about everything. I broke my promise. I acted while ignoring your feelings towards me.”

Kana clawed the table like she was trying to leave an indent.

“I had no idea of what you were going through. You – you didn’t tell me anything! I didn’t know that you were suffering inside this whole time. I could guess that you hated your father, but I didn’t know you planned to actually go out and k-k-kill him!”

“I thought I knew you so well. But it turns out I didn’t know a-anything! Akane-chan and Ruby knew everything, d-didn’t they?”

I didn’t respond. She took my answer as an affirmative.

“So p-please! Tell me what else you’re hiding! Tell me what you remember about me and what you forgot. I’ll make sure you don’t forget anything!”

She pleaded as if standing before my altar, clutching a bent white flower in her hand. Her eyes, driven into insanity. Her mouth, twisted into something ugly. Her pride, shattered. The face of someone who was forced to confront her own helplessness far too many times.

Arima Kana had always lived as a bystander in her own life story. She couldn’t stop her career from slipping into irrelevance, nor could she keep her parents in her life. And now, she couldn’t even save the one person she loved from succumbing to death.

What were the words she desperately needed to hear from me? What could make things right? And what was I holding back all along?

I stood up. The window behind me cast a shadow that eclipsed her completely.

She had always been larger than life, her presence decorating every room she entered with flair. But today, under the weight of my shadow, she had never ever seemed so small.

“I’m going to be truthful with you from now on. Arima Kana, I love you.”

Kana’s chair wobbled on two legs and then tilted over. She hit the floor with a scream and a slam.

I hurried over to check on her status. She avoided a possible concussion by bracing the fall with her hands.

She boiled head to toe as I helped her to her feet. I kept talking as if nothing had happened.

“Kana. I love you because you’re the light to my darkness, my ultimate foil. You’re the kind of person I can rely on to tell the truth to me and bring me back to a safe place. You don’t have a single bone of deception in your body. I’ve always been paying utmost attention to you.”

Love bombing. I knew her personality type and could read her like a book. But I was being genuine.

She kept trying to avoid eye contact with me. I brought her chin back up to face me.

“All this time, I’ve kept things from you because I didn’t want to drag you into my revenge plan. I wanted to keep you safe. But I apologize because I never wanted to see you suffer. I’ve really loved you all this time, Kana.”

I bowed in a deep and solemn apology. But I didn’t see her facial reaction. She turned around and fled into her bedroom, shutting the door behind her.

A thump from her room and a muffled scream. She had launched herself into her bed as soon as she closed the door.

I smiled. My message was over.

===

After a quarter hour, Kana reopened the door. Her face was back to normal. She had combed through her disheveled hair and re-entered with a new cap.

Kana fingered her hair nervously as she stood in front of me.

“Aqua, I’m sorry for making you wait.  I… I suppose I should give you an answer to your confession. But first, I wanted to-”

I was horrified. I had talked to this girl twice, and both times she looked at me like I was a fly. I couldn’t take her confession right now. I stood up from the chair and rapidly formed an X with my arms.

“No, wait, stop! Stop! I’m not Aqua anymore!”

“Ehhh?? What is this? What do you mean you’re not Aqua anymore?” Kana was instantly flustered again.

“Um… I mean that-”

“Oh, do you have a split personality disorder or something?” She came to a weird conclusion.

“No, it’s not that…” I had just deceived her as Aqua. Now, this was the key part. I had to tell her the truth. Would Kana really accept being friends with me?

“It’s that… I was Gorou all along. I acted as Aqua earlier. I’m sorry for having deceived you.” I bowed again.

Kana’s mouth hung open in utter shock. “Whaa??? You’re lying. You’re Aqua.”

“No, I’m not Aqua, I swear! I just acted as him earlier!”

She clenched her fists. “No way! You moved and talked exactly as Aqua did, and you said things only he would’ve known. You’ve definitely gotten your memories back.”

“No, I’m telling the truth. I actually don’t remember anything. I really, really was acting earlier!”

“… There’s no way. How?”

“It was method acting. Akane and Ruby-chan filled me in on Aqua’s details, while I spent time reliving his life and his experiences. You could say that if Aqua were a runner, then I ran to the moon and back in his shoes.”

I had spilled everything. I could only now hope.

Kana stood still for a moment, and then she started convulsing with laughter. She brought a hand up to cover her mouth.

She laughed on and on. She then bent over and laid both of her hands on the table, while continuing to shake up and down. The apartment was filled with the sound of her wheezing.

Why did she start laughing? I didn’t know what was so funny, but I began laughing as well. Her laughter was utterly infectious. My nerves and tension left my lungs and evaporated up into the air.

Kana finally moved on from the table and turned to face me. She bit her lips with a wide smile.

“Oh my goodness, you really are freaking Aqua on the inside. Only Aqua would ever do something as intricate and ridiculous as this, just for my sake.”

“I really can’t believe that you don’t remember anything. Your acting was absolutely perfect, down to your tone and mannerisms and everything else.”

I shook my head with a grin. She knew. It had been a hellish week of instruction from Akane and Ruby. Me acting as Aqua, her acting as Kana. Lesson after lesson on Aqua, Kana, and others. These two set the bar high for their teaching.

Kana continued. “But still, you knew absolutely everything. I was so embarrassed when you started confessing to me. I didn’t even know why Aqua liked me in the first place.”

“I figured that part out myself, Kana-san. Once I really understood Aqua, then everything fell in place.”

“And yet, you’re such a tease.” Kana sighed and pouted. “You confessed to me as Aqua, but I can’t confess back to him. I can’t do it now knowing that you’re Gorou-san. It doesn’t feel the same.”

I shrugged, feeling mildly uncomfortable. I wish that I could have given her a chance to utter these words, but it would’ve been difficult to take responsibility. I couldn’t have her confess to a ghost. I wanted to keep the deceit short and switch out of Aqua mode as quickly as possible, not live as him for the rest of my life.

Kana sat back down on the chair. “Come sit. It’s no big deal. Thank you for coming all the way over and telling me the words I really needed to hear.”

She was now warm and energetic. I felt like I was able to see the real Kana for the first time, not the one constantly riddled by anger and grief.

===

“You know, I was going to reach out to you this week anyways.”

We were cooking and eating lunch at her apartment. Actually, not really. She ordered takeout food for us. Based on the layer of dust on her kitchen stove, I don’t think she had cooked a single day in her life.

“Weally? I thought that you hated me.” I replied with surprise, my mouth still half full of food.

“Well… I realized that I was being selfish. I didn’t consider what you felt, Gorou. You were so similar to Aqua, and you were trying hard to be friends with me. I’m sorry for being mean.” She admitted.

“It’s no problem at all, Kana. You’re too kind. I’m glad we were able to reconcile.” I shook my hands to wave off her apology.

“I was thinking - it was just as if Aqua had amnesia. If he lost a decade of memories, then shouldn’t us friends be the ones helping him up to his feet? It shouldn’t be the other way around, with him begging to be friends with me.”

Even as Kana suffered and grieved for Aqua, she eventually put herself in my shoes. She really was a kind person. My heart felt warm. It was fate that I would have ended up reconnecting with her, even if I didn’t do anything.

Kana kept musing. “But I think the problem was that you didn’t look anything like Aqua. It took me a while to believe that you were Aqua’s successor. But I guess you don’t look half bad either.” She blushed a little.

Still… this girl was transparent like glass. I decided to tease her a little.

“Kana, if I could ask, what did you like about Aqua?”

“Eh????” On cue, her face turned full pink once again.

Upon thought, she brought her fork and knife and crossed them into an X. “No, stop! Don’t ask that. That’s no good!”

I tilted my head in confusion. I hadn’t seen that one before.

“I’m imitating you, dummy!” She moved her arms into an X instead.

I laughed once I realized what she had meant. She remarked, “I’ve almost never seen Aqua laugh. It’s nice that you’re not as gloomy as that dumb kid.”

Kana had deftly switched the conversation topic from herself.

I smiled at Kana, giving her a V sign. “Well, this is my original personality. I’m an idol otaku and part of Ai’s fan club. I can’t be gloomy since I have to yell and cheer at the concerts properly.”

Whoever was my oshi, I would support them wholeheartedly. I would never be a sad second-rate fan at a concert, after all.

Her eyes sparkled at my declaration. “Hmm? Is that so?”

“Yep! I’m really looking forward to B-Komachi’s next concert! I’ll have a bunch of fan dances practiced and ready to go.”

“I see, that’s where it comes from! I’ll be in the audience as well to see you make a fool out of yourself.”

I grinned. “I also made a fool of myself at the hospital I worked at for being an idol otaku. But I was able to convert a few patients to be fans of Ai. To me, it’s all worth it if you’re able to inspire people.”

We had both finished eating. I collected our containers and utensils and put them in the takeout bag so that Kana would have an easy time of throwing out the trash later.

Kana sat there red-faced with nothing to do. Too bad. You’ve got to move faster next time if you want to clean up.

She asked a question right as I finished tidying everything up.

“Gorou, didn’t you say earlier that you became Ai’s fan because of a hospital patient?”

“Yes, that’s right.”

Sarina-chan. I could answer Kana with a wholehearted smile now that she was alive.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what was she like? Aqua was so stubborn and hard to read sometimes. I’m curious about how your heart was so moved that you were able to change.”

I looked wistfully at the sky through the window. No, she wasn’t there anymore. I looked back down at the city. Kana had a great view of the Shibuya skyline from her high floor.

“She was only twelve, but she was already a permanent resident in the hospital for a terminal brain cancer. Even if she had every reason to be gloomy, she was still so energetic and passionate about Ai. She’d watched all her videos online and listened endlessly to B-Komachi music.”

“For me, seeing her passion really inspired me. Even though I was doing fine in life, I had never been passionate about anything before. But watching her talk about Ai was like taking a drug for the first time. She’d laugh, smile, and share that same infectious enthusiasm with me.”

“Above all, she wanted to go to a concert, meet Ai, and maybe one day check out of the hospital and become an idol herself. Even join B-Komachi and dance next to Ai. I wanted to help her as part of my dream.”

“That’s nice,” Kana noted. “It sounded like you were in love with her.”

I was instantly shocked. “Ehhh? She was only twelve!! Don’t be crazy.”

Kana chuckled with embarrassment. “Oh right. I must’ve missed that part! But thanks for sharing. I think I understand you a little bit better now.”

“She was just a kid, I swear.” I scratched the back of my head.

Even when Sarina had threatened me with marriage, I dismissed it as a passing remark from a sheltered child. But… twenty years later, she was still holding onto these strong feelings for me.

I had held onto feelings of my own, but according to Kana, could these feelings be called love? If it was love, could it really be romantic instead of familial? My head began spinning as I started considering my past as Gorou, my present, and all the years in between as Ruby’s twin brother. I really needed to settle down and think about this.

===

The sun was beginning to set, so it was time for me to head back home. Kana had been swapping stories with me and showing me old pictures of Aqua from her phone.

“Gorou, before you leave, do you want to exchange LINE contacts with me?” she asked. Her hands rubbed against each other nervously.

“No problem!”

She gave a small sigh of relief as I moved to add her as a friend.

After thinking for a bit, Kana proceeded to scroll down her friends list. Hoshino Aqua. I could see her fixating on my former name. It stayed there for a few seconds until Kana locked her screen and set her phone down. She flashed me a smile of embarrassment.

Kana, you are on the same side of the table as me. I could see what you were looking at, you know.

Well, it made sense. She was thinking of what to do about Aqua’s old contact number and chats.

“Thanks for everything today, Kana! I’ll head back home then.” I stood up and gathered my coat from the couch.

She nodded while pondering on her black phone screen. Kana then started glancing back and forth between me and the phone.

Should I have said something here? Never mind, better to have kept silent since this was her personal decision.

But Kana looked like she wanted to talk to me. I pretended to keep myself busy with my phone as she sat there conflicted. But as time dragged on, I felt more and more awkward. She hadn’t said anything, and neither had I.

I was tired of silence; this could probably wait until next time.

I turned towards the door and put on my shoes. As my hand touched the doorknob, I heard a cry behind me.

“Wait!”

Okay, she was a procrastinator. I faced her.

“Gorou. I haven’t given you my response yet!”

I froze. Her face was full of earnestness and determination. She could only have meant one thing, right?

“Kana… are you talking about Aqua’s love confession?”

“Yes! Please hear me out. I want to send a final message to Aqua and reply to his confession!”

??? No doubt I was holding an awkward expression. I couldn’t take responsibility for love given to a ghost.

Kana was adamant. “Gorou, I know why you’re hesitant. Please understand, I’m just responding to Aqua’s words. But I’m not expecting anything from you or Aqua afterwards.”

“Kana, I was just playing as Aqua. I’m not really him, nor do I think the same way that he does. Are you sure?”

“I’m absolutely sure!”. Her next words were shy. “I just… I just want to get these words off my heart. I’ve been holding them inside for too long.”

Based on my understanding, Kana had held feelings of love for almost two years. She had endured disappointment, betrayal, and confusion in her turbulent relationship with Aqua. But after all this time, she still felt the same.

If I wanted to resolve Kana’s feelings properly, I couldn’t shirk my duty and cheat her. I needed to hear these words from her.

“I see.” I closed my eyes as I prepared to transform. “Please, go ahead then.”

===

Kana marched right up to me.

“Aqua, I’ve waited years for this, you moron. I love you too!”

I know. I’m sorry.

“Before you leave, Aqua, I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for cheering me on the whole time. You brought me into B-Komachi and gave me a new lease on life. You inspired me to act freely and show my colors again. I owe you so much!”

I shook my head in confusion. “How could… how could you feel thankful towards me? Don’t you still have so much to say to me? Is one apology enough to cover for how I misled you and ended up dying without a word?”

She patted my shoulder. “I’m in a good mood right now, so I’ll overlook that. As long as you’re still alive, you can make it up to me eventually.”

My ever-present guilt started to recede like a tide slowly pulling back. “Is it really okay? Do you really mean it?”

“I do. Just make sure to live, Ak-kun!!”

Living. Now that Kamiki was dead, I could live freely.

I had never done anything of that sort before. The two lives I’d lived were dictated by guilt. Every move I made was dedicated towards something that was neither for my self-interest nor for my true passion. The voices in my head directed me to never forget, never forgive the burden resting on my shoulders.

I didn’t even know the true form of freedom. Was it a pair of wings on your back that let you explore the wilderness without any hidden motive? Was it a pair of earplugs that let you sleep peacefully at night? Was it an angel resting on your shoulder, murmuring to you that it was okay to live?

It was so strange to think that normal people lived this way. Free of chains, free of corruption. Could I finally count myself in as free from this point forwards? Was this what Kana was expecting of me?

Either way, I was going straight to hell after I died. But in the meantime, I could pretend to be normal for the rest of my time here.

“Then, I’ll do my best to live.” I promised.

Kana seemed satisfied as she grinned. “Isn’t it so funny? I confessed back to you, but somehow the topic switched to yourself.”

I held my head. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I derailed what you were going to say.”

She patted me again. “Well, I really didn’t have anything else. This time, it can be all about you. Thank you again, Aqua. You gave me the gift of being able to understand you for the first time.”

I smiled in response. Kana had sent me her final message, a reply to my own.

Chapter Text

“Aqua-kun, I’m so glad that you’re back!”

“Aqua, Aqua!! It’s really a miracle! Thank goodness you’re still alive!”

===

My new cover story post-funeral was that, with time passing, I had recovered some of Aqua’s memories and personality.

The next two weeks, then, were a whirlwind of meeting and reuniting with friends as Aqua. I scrambled to finish last-minute research, slipped in and out of my demanding stage role, and faced the stress of possible rejection at every turn.

Although my performing hours were shorter than those of a doctor’s, I felt drained beyond compare at the end of each day. Each friend that I met was a part of my previous life. I didn’t want to let any of them slip away and have guilt gnaw at my heart for eternity.

Finally, I was free from hell after living and breathing as Aqua for two weeks. I had convinced all of Aqua’s like-aged friends and many of his older connections that I had returned.

I owed it all to Ruby, Akane, Kana, Mem-cho, and Miyako. They worked tirelessly to soften up the idea to my friends so that I could swoop in as Hoshino Aqua and claim the satisfaction of a sweet reunion.

Maybe Aqua’s friends were blinded by their grief and weren’t thinking clearly. That’s why they clung to such a ridiculous story. Miracles and rebirth were things we all hoped for deep down inside, didn’t we?

Aqua. Did you ever hope that Ai could return, reborn somewhere back on Earth? Or did you wish that you could have intervened, saving Ai from her death?

He would’ve answered yes. Yes.

What if you were to ask the same question about Aqua’s rebirth to Taiki, Frill, and Gotanda?

When we were young, we would pray for a divine intervention. We would believe in miracles the moment we saw them. Our answer would be obvious.

But the older we were, the more skeptical we would become. Our cynicism had grown with each passing day of deep regrets and unfulfilled dreams. We would question the premise, dismiss it as a fairy tale, and avoid answering at all costs. Yet, if forced to answer with a gun to our head, we would say yes.

We were all alike.

What if Aqua had reappeared right in front of you? Maybe then, it was okay to openly believe in miracles even if you had already grown up.

===

A few days had passed since I finished meeting my friends. My never-ending thoughts switched to concerns about my future. I was sitting at the dining room table and doing research on my laptop regarding re-entering the medical field.

“What are thinking of doing next, Sensei?”

I heard Ruby approach from behind as she casually dropped a question at me. I turned around.

I involuntarily drew a breath. She had leaned right over my shoulder. Our faces and lips were only a few inches apart. Seeing where my eyes were directed, Ruby playfully placed a finger at her lips before withdrawing.

Ever since that incident with Ruby a few weeks ago, I felt sensitive of being alone with her. I noticed that she constantly strove to close the gap to my personal space with this or that. Something innocuous like a touch on the shoulder or a pat on the arm. Or something more flirtatious like a hand on my chest and a whisper in my ear.

She didn’t do anything to cross the line, but now I was alert to her every movement and word.

“Uh… I was thinking about cooking dinner soon.” I ended up losing my train of thought and blurting something random.

Ruby laughed. “Sensei, you misunderstood. I mean, what are you planning to do as Gorou now? You’ve finished meeting your friends, right?”

“Oh. I was considering what job I wanted to take after this.” Being an adult and jobless was no joke. Or rather, I felt uncomfortable at the prospect of having so much free time. My days were empty of grueling 12-hour shifts, and I wasn’t used to it at all.

“Are you planning to still work as a doctor?” she asked.

Her question gave me a pause. Was I seriously considering re-entering the workforce instead of relaxing and catching up on all the books and manga I had missed? No doubt I was a masochist.

“It’s a little logistically difficult,” I explained. “My certification is up to date, but I don’t have any recent work experience I can write down. I’m going to have trouble working anywhere as an obstetrician except for a shady clinic that doesn’t ask questions about work history.”

“I see, that’s a bummer,” Ruby pouted. “But don’t worry! I’m perfectly happy having you stay home and become my house husband!!” She was excited at the idea.

… She said something ridiculous as usual. Although that meant I could attend each of her shows and dive into deep otaku depravity. No, no. I was thinking too far ahead. I shook my head and smiled.

Well, abandoning gynecology didn’t sound too bad. I had paid my dues as an obstetrician, and if I was forced to reset my career, I could become a surgeon or anything else at this point.

“Well, do you think I could become a good house husband?” I decided to humor her.

The stars lit up in her eyes. “You can cook, you can cheer, and you can support. What’s not to like?”

“I can do a lot more than that. Would you want anything else?”

“Hmm… I want you to do my taxes as well.”

I had a feeling that she was asking for the wrong things. “There’s a lot more to a marriage than that, Ruby-chan.”

“Like what?”

“…” I didn’t know. I was still unmarried and clueless at thirty.

“Hmph. Whatever. I know what I want anyways.” She put her arms on her hips and looked at me like she didn’t hold a shred of doubt.

My heart was thrilled that she liked me so much, even after all this time.

“Sensei, you’re so easy to read. I can always tell what you’re thinking, you know.”

“What? No way.”

She giggled at my denial. “Right now, you’re thinking of how cute I am.”  

She flipped her hair and sent her beautiful golden locks soaring through the air. A golden radiance with an otherworldly sheen. I wanted to reach out and caress her hair with my fingers.  

“No, I wasn’t thinking that.” Really. At least not until she mentioned it.

“You liar. What else could you be thinking about?”

“Um...”

Cute. Cute. Cute. That was all that was running around my mind. I had to block it out. Her head would only get bigger and bigger if I kept saying that to her.

But what else could I say? Had I thought about anything else related to Ruby? Right, what Kana had brought up about Sarina. Somehow, saying this shamelessly was better than saying cute one more time.

“Ruby-chan… I’m really glad that, even after having been reborn and lived for sixteen years, you still chased your dream of being an idol. It’s inspirational to me hearing you talk about and do the things you loved way back as Sarina-chan.”

“Sensei!” She clasped her arms on my shoulders. I quivered at her touch. “That’s perfect! That’s exactly what you need to say as my house husband!”

“I see…” Ruby, you can say it as many times as you want, but it’s not going to happen, you know?

===

A bit later, our house doorbell rang.

“Coming!!” Ruby ran down the stars in her slippers.

It was a surprise to see guests. Who was coming? I followed Ruby out of curiosity.

Yellow and red hair popped up from the front door. B-Komachi and one recent retiree had assembled.

“Ruby! Gorou-tan!” Mem-cho shouted in delight as she saw me peeking from the stairs. Kana waved us hello.

Miyako approached from behind. “Welcome back, everyone! Let’s head to the third floor for our meeting.”

I stepped to the side to allow them to pass up the staircase. As Kana passed, she dragged me along by my shirt sleeve. “Gorou, come with us!”

“Hmm?” What did I have to do with this? Well, I didn’t mind listening in.

We ended up assembling in the office. Ichigo was already sitting down.

Miyako spoke. “Kana-chan here has something she wants to say. Kana-chan, why don’t you do the honors?”

Kana stood up. Ruby and Mem-cho followed her eyes with inquisitive looks. They didn’t seem to be privy to Kana’s next words.

“Everyone, I have an announcement to make.”

She looked directly at me. Are you paying attention? Her eyes seemed to flash that thought. Okay, I was listening.

“I plan on putting my graduation on hold and temporarily rejoining B-Komachi for one final concert!”

“Huh?” Ruby and Mem-cho uttered joint expressions of surprise. Their voices then rang out in dissonance.  

“Where did this come from, Senpai? Why are you planning to rejoin B-Komachi just for one show?”

“Kana, you’ve already graduated!”

Kana looked flustered. “Ruby, Mem-cho. I was, uh… No, I really thought about it!” She faced me again.

“Gorou. Aqua promised me that he would watch my graduation concert, but he didn’t bother to come. I can’t accept his broken promise, so I need you to come and cheer me on in his stead.”

Hmph, Aqua seemed to have broken another important promise. But I gladly accepted his responsibility. I bowed my head. “I’ll be happy to attend and watch your final concert, Kana!”

Mem-cho butted in with a series of objections.  

“That’s the reason?? I can understand, but Kana, how’s this going to work logistically? You’re going to be the laughingstock of the public for delaying your graduation, holding a retirement concert, and rejoining a month later for a second retirement.”

“Also, Miyako-san, how could we host a B-Komachi concert anyways? Isn’t your family still in the mourning period over Aqua’s death?”

Mem-cho looked over our clothing dubiously. While our family’s indoor wear was casual and colorful, Mem-cho and Kana had come from outside – a world full of prying journalists – so they arrived in funeral black.

Ichigo explained, “We’ve sketched out the rough plan. We’re planning to bill it as a memorial concert dedicated towards Hoshino Aqua, so Kana-san will join as a show of support for Ruby-san.”

“Wait, a memorial concert?” Ruby cried. “But Aqua’s not even dead! We all know he’s alive now!”

“For the rest of the world, he is dead. He had fans and admirers all over the country. I’m thinking this is the right way to send him off.”

Ruby looked downcast. “I see.”

So, the world needed to mourn for Aqua.

“Not only that, but this is our chance to perform at the Dome. Our family has dominated the headlines as of late, so we’ll have the pull to schedule the venue and fill up the seats with ease.” Ichigo flashed an intense look in his eyes. “This is what we’ve been waiting for. The Dome. The Dome. The Dome!!”

Ichigo had uttered the magic words for a spell. A hush fell over Ruby and Mem-cho, like they were suddenly intoxicated.

Mem-cho clasped her hands together with wide-open eyes. Ruby gasped with both hands over her mouth.

Was performing at the Dome B-Komachi’s ultimate dream? The dream that was stolen from Ai at the last minute?

“Ichigo-san. Can we really do it? Do we really belong at the Dome?” Ruby squeaked.

“We’ve sold out Japan National Stadium. There’s no doubt we can win over the organizers and sell out Tokyo Dome. B-Komachi are superstars.”

Kana smiled wryly at Ichigo’s last statement. She seemed to disagree somehow.

“It’s all happening so soon.” Ruby was off in dreamland. “I thought it would be another year before we would make it…”

“I promise that I can get it done. You can rely on me.” Ichigo flexed his arms with a whizzed grin.

“Then it’s on!! We’ll perform at the Dome!”

Ruby stood up and marched towards Kana. She reached her hand out. “Kana-senpai. Welcome back to B-Komachi! I couldn’t have done any of this without you. I’d love to perform with you one last time!”

“Ruby, you’re too kind. Thank you.” Kana took her hand, her face blooming with a smile.

“Mem-cho, come here as well!”

Mem-cho slid over with a laugh. The three were united one last time, determined to perform in the greatest stage in Japan.

===

While Ichigo and Miyako hashed out the logistics and began making calls, B-Komachi and I joined together for dinner.

“Sensei, feed me, feed me!” Ruby pleaded. She was looking hungrily at the piece of pork belly I’d picked up.

“Ruby, you already have plenty of pork in your bowl.” Kana interjected. “Why are you asking Gorou for his?”

“It’s not the same! It’s coming from Sensei, so it tastes ten times as delicious!” Ruby opened her mouth as I fed her. 

Kana’s eyes followed my chopsticks. Her eyes twitched as she saw me bring them back into my mouth as if nothing had happened.

“It’s inappropriate for non-family members to share utensils like that.” Kana remarked sternly.

“You said something similar, but with a different reason when Aqua and Ruby were doing it…” Mem-cho pointed out dryly.

“Ahhh!! Who cares!! Just get me out of here!” She began wolfing down pork and rice like she realized it was already the end of her lunch break.

Kana began choking. Mem-cho gently patted Kana’s back to keep her coughing at bay.

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to spoil Ruby-chan.” I said apologetically.

Kana glared at me. “Quit it, you damn siscon.”

After Kana calmed down and wiped her mouth clean, Mem-cho shot me a new question. “Gorou-tan, whatcha planning to do now that you’ve reconnected with everyone?”

Was this a popular topic for adults? I felt some pressure knowing that everyone had jobs but I didn’t. But I had a nice job lined up already.

“I’m thinking about transitioning into becoming a full-time house husband.”

Ruby tried to stifle her growing laughter.

“Ahahaha!! Gorou-tan, whose house husband are ya thinking about becoming?” Mem-cho playfully responded.

I ignored her question with a professional smile.

“Well, I’m actually considering whether I want to re-enter the medical field. My resume is unusable, so in the worst case, I might have to start from scratch and go through school and residency again to find a job.” In my mind, I re-entered my dark decade of intense study and underpaid labor.

“Aww, that sucks! You said you worked at Takachiho General Hospital before, right?” Mem-cho asked. “We actually drove right by the hospital a couple years back!”

Right, Ruby found my dead body next door. Mem-cho realized it too. Her face looked a little awkward at the end. Somehow, the idea of finding my corpse was a little funny to me.

That reminded me. I said, “I might go visit Miyazaki. It’d be nice to see the hospital that I worked at and check out my house.”

After all, my previous life had been stolen from me without warning. I would’ve liked to drop by so that I could find closure over the twenty years that had passed. I could say my goodbyes to the hospital that had been the most formative place of my life.

Ruby spoke up. “If you’re thinking of going, Sensei, let’s make it a trip together! I want to come with you!”

That sounded nice. We could be reunited as Gorou and Sarina, in this new world where Sarina was finally free of her wheelchair. I started daydreaming. We could laugh on the hospital rooftop, amble along the rural streets, visit the local shrines and make cute offerings.

No, Sarina was now Ruby. This time, I was going to be alone with Ruby… just as my heart started thumping, Kana interrupted.

“Wait!” Kana coughed. “You can’t go with just her. She’s… She’s too famous! You have to mind her idol status and bring someone along who knows how to take care of her!”

She continued in a quieter voice. “Like me, for example. I wouldn’t mind coming along too if you asked me.”

Ruby narrowed her eyes suspiciously at Kana. “Senpai, why do you want to come along? This is going to be a family trip!”

“Aqua asked me to look after you when I joined B-Komachi. I’m still your Senpai, so shouldn’t I stick around you properly?”

“… Liar. You were all too happy to graduate and leave me alone until Gorou came back!”

I looked at Mem-cho helplessly. Mem-cho’s lips were smug. “You might as well bring all of B-Komachi along. That’ll cause fewer problems with the public than if it were just you and Ruby. We could all visit Aratate shrine again for good luck in a Dome performance.”

A one-person trip had somehow ballooned into four in an instant. A casual thought ended up as a throbbing headache.

I tried to dissuade them. “Takachiho isn’t that interesting, you know. You’ve all been there already. Pretend that I never said anything, since I might not end up going.”

Ruby and Kana looked at me with pitiful faces. Another ten seconds, and I felt that Kana would start leaking tears. My heart wasn’t cold enough to say no to them.

I groaned. “Okay, let’s all go together then.”

“Yay!!!”

A new trip ended up being spontaneously organized, not as a party of four, but instead as a party of seven. Miyako would be necessary to chaperone us and chase curious onlookers away. We also invited Akane along, as well as Himekawa on account of him being Aqua’s half-brother.

Chapter Text

“Yo, Gorou, Ruby. Thanks for inviting me along.” Taiki gave a nod as he walked over to us at the airport gate.

“Taiki!!” Ruby waved hello. “Glad you could make it even with your busy schedule!”

He smiled. “I stepped away from filming the drama to take bereavement leave. Although now, I’m still in no rush to head back. I’ll enjoy my vacation for a few more days.”

“You look like you’re in better spirits than last time. Your stubble is also gone.” She noted with fingers over her chin.

“I actually forgot to pack my razor. I’m going to have stubble starting tomorrow.”

“Figures. But you remembered to pack your alcohol, didn’t you!”

“Ahaha.” He scratched the back of his head in response to her accusation.

I voiced my opinion. “There’s actually quite a few bars around town. You didn’t need to pack anything.”

“Really? Hm…” He considered for a moment. “Well, the bars there aren’t going to have cute girls serving me drinks.”

“Pervert…” Kana muttered from the side without even looking at us. Taiki chuckled.

Afterwards, we boarded the airplane as a group. Miyako, Ruby, and I sat in the very back row of the airplane, while the others were ahead of us. The flight was almost empty, considering it was the travel offseason for Miyazaki.

For the trip, I brought along a few books as I had a lot of catchup reading to do. As I took my novel out, Ruby rustled through her backpack for a sleeping mask.

“Sensei, I’m heading off to sleep. Wake me up when we get there.”

I nodded.

After putting on her mask, she leaned her head unashamedly against my shoulder right as I opened my book. I shuddered in surprise.

“Ruby-chan. Uh…” My eardrums began to thump as I slowly looked over to Miyako. I was in deep trouble.

Miyako smiled at me and then redirected her voice to Ruby. “Ruby-chan, you can’t do that here. Even with your mask on, people will still recognize you because the rest of B-Komachi is also around.”

That was the problem? I gave a massive sigh of relief.

Ruby grumbled discontentedly. She shifted her upper body to lean against the window, while swinging her legs up to rest them against my thighs.

“Ruby-chan… you really can’t.” Miyako gently tapped her legs.

Ruby made a noise like a wounded animal and folded her arms as she grudgingly complied. She spent the rest of the short flight pouting. Miyako looked guilty as she tried to occupy herself with her laptop.

At noon, we landed in Miyazaki city without further incident. We stood around in baggage claim, waiting for our checked luggage to start dropping to the carousel.

“What’s this place we’re going to again?” Taiki asked. “Takaho? Tayachi?”

“You came along, but you didn’t even know? It’s Takachiho, you illiterate.” Kana replied bluntly. “As an entertainer, how have you never heard of the town?”

“Well, I’ve heard of it, but I just didn’t remember what it was called. It’s out of the way so I never bothered to pay attention.”

Kana sighed. “I won’t argue with that. Your acting career has had enough luck without needing kanji or God’s help.” A hint of jealousy in her voice.

The conveyer belt started moving. Kana turned to ask Miyako a question.

“Miyako-san, are you planning to drive all of us around in a van?”

“Mmm. Once we collect our baggage, I’ll head over to rent a van just like last time.”

“Wow! It’ll feel really lively with everyone in the car.” Kana clapped her hands and smiled at me with anticipation.

I interrupted. “Oh, Kana. I’m renting my own car since I have a few chores to take care of today.”

“Why????” She looked aghast.

“I own a house in Takachiho, you know.”  Well, that wasn’t much to be proud of.

She sighed again. “I assume you’ll be skipping lunch with Anemone-san and meeting up with us afterwards then?”

“Yes. I’m just grabbing a few things, it won’t take too long.”

“Alright, go have fun in your old home then.” She waved me off. “You’ll be missing out on a nice meal.”  

“Make sure to bring me any leftovers,” I joked.

As I pulled my white rolling suitcase from the belt and propped it up, I bid farewell to the group and headed out to secure my car rental. Kana kept fixedly looking at my suitcase as if I had accidentally taken hers. Sorry Kana, I’m pretty sure this one was mine because I tagged it properly.

===

After a two-hour drive, I rolled up to the remains of my old home. The outside was no worse for the wear, except for a few broken windows in front and weeds running amok in the yard. For the inside, I was prepared for anything in my twenty years of absence.

After forcing open the sliding door, I wrinkled my nose as a musty odor hit my senses. To my surprise, I saw footprints and handprints imprinted across the thin layer of dust in the house. Had burglars come? No. More likely, this was the police. My death was reported a couple years ago, so the police would’ve come to confirm my original place of residence and collect documents.

I didn’t need any of these documents. As I figured out from my research, the old Amamiya Gorou (officially deceased) and the new one (still alive) were, legally speaking, distinct people. We happened to share the same name, but everything else was separate.

Instead, I had come to collect my memorabilia. I headed back to my car to retrieve my suitcase as I re-ran through my mental checklist. Pictures of me and my grandma. Pictures of me and Sarina-chan. A picture (taken against my will) of me and Ai. Stealing a few old B-Komachi merch items from my desk wouldn’t hurt either.

Since my twenty-year-old memory was still fresh, I had no problem remembering where things were. Time to get to work.

I turned on and off the lightning several times before remembering the utility company had probably cut off my power for nonpayment. I switched to using the flashlight on my phone to trawl through my cabinets.

I swept through my photobooks with my grandparents and stacked them neatly inside my suitcase. Plenty of childhood memories featuring my grandma.

Next, I grinned as I grabbed a framed picture and photobook, all featuring me and Sarina. She was smiling joyfully in all the pictures we shared. Sitting on the hospital bed, laughing on the roof with me, or taking a short walk with me on the grounds. Many years ago, looking through this photobook would’ve been a source of torment for me. But now, it was a time filled with poetic memories. Maybe I would give a few pictures to Ruby if she ever became wistful about Sarina in the future.

Lastly, I brought out the framed picture of me and Ai. I gently teased the picture out of the frame and smiled at the message in the back.

===

“Sensei, you’ve been hiding something from me, haven’t you?” Ai accused me in the middle of our regular patient checkup.

I was taken aback. That accusation came out of the blue. Hiding? No way. I was a consummate professional.

“Certainly not.” I sweated. “I’m, I’m being honest about the risks of a natural delivery here. Waiting too long to perform a C-section could potentially-”

“No, Sensei, I’m not talking about the lecture. I’m saying that you, as Amamiya Gorou, are personally hiding something from me.” She smirked, as if she knew exactly what it was.

… No way, right? I had hidden that fact from her. I swore to take it to the grave as long as I was in her presence.

“As your doctor, I’ve been completely forthcoming with you regarding all aspects of your pregnancy. I apologize for any unprofessionalism or semblance of impropriety.” I bowed and pretended to be clueless.

“Sensei, you are a terrible liar.”

Ai leaned over from the chair and reached out towards my chest. I was so startled that I sat still while letting her do exactly what she wanted.

Her fingers tickled the inside of my coat pocket. My pulse raced faster and faster as she reached deeper in. She could feel my pounding heartbeat now, I was sure of it. My lie was about to be exposed.  

“Aha!” Having found what she was looking for, she grinned as she pulled the keychain out of my pocket.

“Ai’s fan for all eternity… That’s really cute! You must’ve gotten this all the way from Tokyo, didn’t you?” She burst into bright and cheery laughter.

I was so mortified that I could feel my mind disassociating itself from my body. Please… take me anywhere but here.

She teased me again. “So… Sensei, what were you hiding from me?”

I was prepared to throw the blame on my nurse friend for slipping the keychain in my pocket. Or concoct a long-winded story about losing a bet to my imaginary niece. But in front of Ai, my freshly prepared excuses sank like lead in the water. Her all-seeing eyes couldn’t be fooled by the façade from a poor actor like me.

I bowed close onto the floor and shouted, “I’m sorry! I’ve been hiding something huge from you! I’ve actually been your biggest fan and follower over the last few years!”

Ai’s hands clasped together in delight.

“There we go!! I knew you could say it! I’m so proud of you!” I could feel the hearts emanating from her sweet, honeyed words.

After some more laughter and poking fun at me, Ai had me call over Ichigo from the waiting room.

“What is it, you damned idol.”

“Take a picture of us, Satou-san! I just got Sensei to spill his biggest secret <3.”

“I’m not going to even bother asking…” Ichigo tiredly pulled out his digital camera, which he carried around like a slave to document Ai’s pregnancy for her future photo collection.

“Wait, stop, stop!” I cried. “I really can’t as a doctor. This is so unprofessional!”

“Sensei, stop complaining!” I didn’t offer any resistance to Ai’s soft hand which pulled me back over. Part of me was ecstatic. Yet, I feared for my future career and medical license.

“You’re too far away, sheesh! Come closer.”

I was in a moral conundrum. As her doctor, I had to stay as far away as possible from her in the shot. Absolutely no touching, no allegations of misconduct, no hint of anything beyond a standard doctor-patient relationship. But as a fan… this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Ehehehe.

In the end, as the camera clicked, I put up my most awkward smile ever. Ai had leaned over and flashed two V signs, one for each of us. Sarina’s keychain dangled from her fingers.

I turned to Ai. “But how did you notice it? I thought I always hid my keychain well.”

Ai tutted. “Your badge pulls your pocket down, you know. When you leaned over earlier, I could see your keychain inside.”

“I… didn’t think of that.”

“Once I saw that keychain of yours, Sensei, I just knew you were my fan.”

She was right. I was hopelessly her fan. From that day onwards, I slid Sarina’s keychain proudly into the front of my hospital badge.

===

Thank you for being the best doctor ever! <3 from Ai. All the memories I had of Ai, condensed into a single photo. I put the photo back in the frame to prevent any of my swelling tears from dripping onto it.

In the end, I had died before being able to properly serve her as a doctor. For all the feelings she had put into opening up to me, writing that message, and trusting me as her doctor, I ended up betraying her. A random had taken my place to help her deliver her precious twins and handle her postpartum recovery.

Just one more burden she ended up carrying in life. One more reason to never say “I love you” to anyone until the very end.

Aqua. You took over right after I died. Did you do your part to comfort her? Were you able to bring meaning and joy to her life?

It was funny. I had belittled Aqua and held anger towards him for so long. But here I was, shamelessly asking something from him. My own feelings of guilt rested on his shoulders, on what he had done for Ai.

“Gorou-kun. Are you in here?” As I continued my ruminating, I heard the unexpected voice of someone at the entrance.

I jumped to my feet in surprise. My head scored a hit against the wooden hanging cabinet. “Ow!!!”

The front door slid open in a hurry.

“Gorou-kun!! Oh my goodness! Are you okay??” I heard a soft, concerned voice from the front. The voice rushed over by my side. 

I was on the ground, cradling my head. My thoughts were jumbled from my head hit. Was it the police? Or was it Akane? Officer Akane?

“I’m so sorry for surprising you! Please stay there! I have bandages and a cold pack in my kit.”

“Wait, I’m actually fine! Hold off on it for now!” The ringing pain gradually dulled. I sat back upright as Akane’s worried face came back into view.

“Are you sure? It sounded like you hit your head really badly!”

“I’ll be okay for now. Give me the pack later if I really do have a concussion.”

Akane hummed discontentedly.

I continued, “I’m really surprised. How did you know where my house was, Akane?”

“Oh, Aqua had briefly dropped by here before. I tagged along with him!”

“I see. I thought you had stalked me for a second there.”

Akane puffed up her cheeks. “Gorou-kun, who do you think I am!”

“Haha, sorry!” With my head still fuzzy, I ended up making an inopportune joke. I changed the subject. “By the way, why are you here? I thought you would be eating lunch with Anemone-san.”

“She’s more Mem-cho and B-Komachi’s friend, so I haven’t talked to her at all before. I was thinking that dropping by your house was more interesting, but I never got around to asking you for a ride…” She explained.

“It’s no problem then. Feel free to make yourself at home!” I gestured with a grin to my dark, dilapidated surroundings. “I’m almost done packing, so it’ll be just a little bit longer.”

I had only my B-Komachi merchandise left to retrieve. The old ones were now limited edition and extremely pricy, so I was sitting on top of a gold mine in my former house. Of course, I would never think about selling anything. But I felt cool for stanning a group before they became popular.

T-shirts, check. Photocards, check. Keychains, badges, posters, check. My hands were full as I carried them back to the living room.

Akane was still standing where I had left her. Her eyes were directed at the framed photographs right at the top of the pile. Was she curious about my past?

“Oh, Akane, were you curious about something?”

“Mmm. I’m wondering, was the young girl in that photo with you Sarina-chan?”

“Ehhhh?” I froze and sputtered. The contents of my arms spilled onto the floor. “What, how. How do you know?”

My mind began rapidly spinning. How could she have come to that conclusion after seeing that picture? I was so confused.

And… if Akane knew that girl was Sarina, then could she have linked Sarina and Ruby together? I started sweating. Ruby was determined to take her secret to the grave. I felt that I was too careless by leaving that picture out in the open.

Akane chuckled. “Oh, I guess I was right! Gorou-kun, you mentioned her name before, right when you first met us at the park. You called Ruby-chan Sarina.”

… No way. She remembered that tiny detail.

Akane moved over to pick up my spilled merchandise. I motioned my hands to let her know it was fine.

She continued speaking. “At the dinner afterwards, you had a hard time explaining to Miyako-san about how you met Ruby-chan. Ruby also privately told me years ago that she met Sensei. Since Gorou-kun died before Ruby was ever born, I was thinking that there was only one explanation. You two must’ve met in a previous life.”

I was still struggling for words. “But… that’s an incredible deduction. I can’t believe it. This was just a picture of a random girl. How did you know she was Sarina?”

“It was just an educated guess on my part. She was important enough to you that you decided to take her picture along. The age gap seems about right, too…” She trailed off at the end.

“Age gap?” I said blankly.

“No, no, never mind!” She blushed. “But still, I feel really bad for Ruby-chan. She must’ve had a rough life in the hospital, didn’t she?”

In the picture, she sat in a wheelchair. Her bald head was covered by a hat and her face looked thin and pale. Even with her bright smile lighting up the picture, it was clear that she had endured.

“It was hard for her. As soon as she checked into the hospital, she no longer had a normal life. She spent the rest of her days suffering through treatment and therapy.” I sighed in remembrance.

“I see. How did you end up meeting her? Weren’t you working as an obstetrician?”

Ahaha. She was really perceptive.

“I suppose I slacked off from time to time.” I admitted. “I liked talking to patients.”

She laughed. “You really are a kind person for doing that, Gorou-kun!”

… Not really. That wasn’t the right term to describe me.

“Please, keep it a secret from Ruby-chan and everyone else, okay? She doesn’t want others to think of her this way.”

Akane nodded solemnly. “Of course. I’ll keep it a secret forever.”

And with that, I finished packing everything. The merchandise wouldn’t fit in my suitcase, so I ended up with lots of dangling items in the trunk. I would need to buy another suitcase before we left for the return flight.

I took one last look at my house from my car. I would probably never return. The dark period of my history as the depressed Gorou faded like a bad dream. My new life beckoned with friends, and the promise of creating a meaningful future together with them.

“Where to next, Gorou-kun?” Akane asked me from the side seat. She had folded and stored her e-scooter in the trunk.

“Eh? Aren’t you the tourist here?”

“I’m fine with going wherever you want to go!”

I tilted my head. It was always troublesome whenever people uttered statements like that. You would have to read between the lines to figure out what they really wanted. Yet in Akane’s case, she probably meant what she said.

Then, I would let my stomach do the deciding. “What about a late lunch then? I’m hungry.”

She nodded in response. Just as I prepared to take Akane to my favorite local udon restaurant, I realized something funny. “Wait. I don’t even know if my restaurant is still open after all those years…”

“Oh, you can check whether it’s still open using your phone! What’s the name? Let me type it in for you.” She said excitedly.

Unfortunately, the place was now closed. I was deflated after not being able to properly show Akane around like a local.

“No worries!” She reassured me. “I’ve already marked a dozen places beforehand using Tabelog.”

I blinked my eyes in surprise. The power of foodies was amazing.

“Well, it looks like you’re the real local here.” I smiled. “Tell me where to go, Akane!”

We set off for a nice meal before rejoining the rest of the group on their shrine tour.

Chapter Text

I bundled up like I was robbing a bank. Face mask, baseball hat, new glasses, and a thick winter jacket that disguised my figure. I pretended to casually stroll through the front entrance of the hospital.

Nothing more embarrassing than getting called out by your former employer for desertion. Well, I guess they learned that I had died, so I was in the clear for that one. But resurrection was an even more awkward topic to bring up.

I glanced towards the nurse at the front desk. Of course, I couldn’t recognize anyone for certain after they’d aged twenty years, but I might’ve seen her around the cafeteria before. I would need to be careful.

“Excuse me.” I inquired in a higher-pitched voice. My newfound acting skills came in handy here.

“How may I help?”

I spun a premade story. “I’d like to know if a nurse called Kawamura Eriko is still working here. She used to work under the gynecology department, maybe twenty years ago. She helped deliver my younger brother, so it’d be nice to know if she is still around.”

“Kawamura-san, you say? I’m not too familiar with her, but I believe she switched to working at a hospital in Miyazaki a few years ago.”

“I see. I’ll look for her there then. Thank you for the help!” I nodded in appreciation.

I had a few other coworkers at the hospital I talked with occasionally, but it would be too suspicious to ask for the whereabouts for all of them. But the one closest to me and most likely to recognize me was now gone. I didn’t know if I would’ve re-introduced myself to Kawamura, but now I didn’t need to make that decision.

I headed straight to the hospital rooftop.

===

"Thanks, Sensei! I'm so happy with the ticket! It's the best Christmas present in my entire life!"

…

“Happiness as a mother, and happiness as an idol… It might be normal to have only one, but I want both!”

…

I leaned over the rooftop railing while lost in thought. Memories of Sarina and Ai moved and danced alongside my vision.

I remembered Sarina, devoid of a future, yet still dreaming of idols and excitedly mimicking Ai’s moves in her wheelchair. I remembered Ai, thrilled with the promise of her future family, singing and dancing merrily along.

I was glad to have lived for these moments. Even though their endings were still a little bittersweet, I fully accepted it now. The world could still be beautiful.

Next to me, the doorknob of the roof’s access door began to creak. A foot stretched out with caution. It was Ruby’s. We had arranged earlier to meet at the hospital rooftop.

“Sensei!!”

My heart leapt right back to the present day. Ruby waved at me and took off her face mask to reveal a smile.

As she scanned the rooftop, her smile turned into a mischievous grin, like she had thought of something playful to say. Ruby turned to face the blanket of stars in the night sky.

“Ahh!” She let out a satisfied sigh. “I came to this place based on the president's recommendation, but it sure is lovely! There are so many stars here even at dusk. You could never see this in Tokyo.”

???

“Er… come again?” I didn’t understand what she said. Also, it was definitely nighttime now, not dusk.

She tilted her head. “Sensei, this is the rooftop scene with Ai. You’re supposed to say your line!”

Oh, no wonder it sounded familiar; this was part of the movie. I pulled out the scene from my own memory and played along.

“Then, Hoshino-san, did you come all the way out here to the countryside because you’d be recognized in Tokyo?”

“Oh? Did I mention my work?”

“Long ago, one of my patients was a big fan of yours.”

Ruby slowly walked up, with her face filling my field of view. “I see. Then Sensei… would you happen to be a fan of me as well?”

Eh? Was this in the script?

“I suppose you could say that. I’ve followed you for a few years.” I admitted while scratching my head.

“Did you go to my concert in Miyazaki from a while back?”

“I did.”

She gave a squeal of delight. “Then, you must be my biggest fan, right? I’m so thankful!” She reached out her hands to envelope mine. They were still warm from having been inside earlier.

“I guess.” I tried to act aloof, but it was difficult with Ruby leaning so close to me.

She tiptoed up and whispered into my ear. “But Sensei, I wanted to let you know a secret. I’m also…” She squeezed my hand. “… Your biggest fan as well.”

I felt a shiver run through my body, unsure of whether it was triggered by her words or touch. She wasn’t shy about showing her feelings at every turn.

Ruby withdrew with a smug smile after she tapped my flushed cheeks. I sighed at her antics.

“I hope that’s not how the scene went, Ruby-chan. A lot of Ai’s fans would be angry at me if the movie played out that way,” I joked.

She laughed. “You’ll find out in a month!”

She made a square with her fingers and aimed the opening at me, like she was framing a shot.

“The last time I was up here in Takachiho, we were shooting the movie. I was looking towards that ham actor and trying to pretend it was really you. But this time, I don’t have to pretend. You really are here!”

Ruby paused and then spoke with a more solemn tone. “It feels nostalgic to be here again with you. During filming, I already knew you were Aqua. But this is how I'd always imagine our reunion to be like. Us on the hospital rooftop; me as Ruby, and you as Gorou.”

Deep inside my heart, even though I felt that I was unworthy, I shared that same dream of an impossible reunion.

“Me too, Ruby-chan. It feels like I’m in heaven.”

A heaven that I didn’t deserve. After committing so many sins as Gorou and Aqua, I had somehow managed to trick God into letting me here.

“And then, Sensei, do you know what I thought of next?” Ruby turned to gaze at the endless expanse of countryside and mountains beyond the fence.

“What’d you think of next?” I followed her gaze onto the open.

I shuffled through the possibilities in my head. Maybe a clever joke. Or a secret kept hidden. Or a story buried from years past.

Or… a confession of love.

My mind began reeling at that possibility that rapidly turned into certainty. This had been her intention of following me to Miyazaki all along, hadn’t it? After I finished reuniting with my friends, she was waiting for the right moment to confess to me. She had picked the roof as the place for us to meet. I was just a little slow on the uptake.

I couldn’t find the courage to utter what I had belatedly realized. The world spun on, indifferent to my paralysis, as Ruby’s next words continued unabated. Her quiet whisper drifted through the wind and reached my ears.

“I thought that, on that rooftop, I would then say those words to you.”

“What words?” My pulse shifted into overdrive. I asked a question that I already knew the answer to.

Ruby turned back to face me. She was adorned with the most beautiful smile I’d ever seen.

The moon and stars illuminated her dazzling face. The wind quietly rustled through her loose strands of hair. The lights of the town sparkled in her iris like tiny stars.

The stage of the world, focused on just the two of us. Once again, I was being charmed in that very same spot.

“Sensei, you already know how I feel, so I’ll say it simply. I love you. I want to be together with you.”

I stood there dumbfounded. She had said exactly what I’d expected, but I’d lost all my ability to respond.

“But, I know your whole life was upended. You woke up twenty years in the future. You took over Aqua’s burden and then ran around crazily, in the way you always do, trying to make everyone happy. You're still going through a lot, so I don’t mind waiting for your response.”

… I gulped.

No, this situation wasn’t exactly a surprise to me. I knew how she felt all along, and I’d thought about my relationship with Ruby plenty of times over the weeks.

Along the way, I had given myself plenty of excuses for how my feelings for Ruby couldn’t possibly be romantic. She was Sarina, too young and naïve. She was Ruby, my younger sister.

But this wasn't Sarina in front of me, it was Ruby. And I wasn't Aqua, I was Gorou. We'd all gone through our own paths in life and felt different things.

As I prepared for my acting role by reconstructing Aqua’s persona, I realized that I needed to abandon my naïve view of him. Aqua thought differently from how I did. I couldn’t project my own feelings while playing his role without fumbling. I had experienced little of his struggles and life-defining moments.

Nor could I claim his feelings as my own, even though I now understood them. I didn’t truly feel that way, so wouldn’t it be a falsehood to claim that I was Aqua?

Then, to see Ruby as my sister would be to take on a role that didn’t belong to me.

In addition, it wasn’t fair for me to take my own feelings on Sarina being a child and project them onto Ruby. Ruby was Sarina no longer.

During the two decades where my memories and personality were more or less frozen, Ruby had grown up and touched the darkness of the entertainment industry. She had persevered through hell to become one of the most popular idols in Japan.

I was the naïve one. I'd lived a sheltered life in the medical world where backstabbing was rare, workplace politics were manageable, and incentives were aligned towards good patient care. By contrast, the entertainment world was a free-for-all showdown where those who didn't have the strength of will washed out. I could only imagine the dirty plays and backdoor deals that went on.

Ruby’s heart and personality were generally the same, but she was no longer a child. She had faced all the evils that life had to offer - loss, despair, greed. She had experienced infinitely more than Sarina ever did, sitting in her hospital bed watching idol TV.

No, there was no need for waiting - I already knew how I felt. But there was one thing that made me feel supremely uneasy.

“Ruby-chan, weren’t I your twin brother? Do you feel comfortable with it?”

“What’s the problem with that?” She tilted her head.

My eyes twitched. “The problem… uh…” If I had to explain it to her, then I wasn’t going to change her mind with just a single conversation. I gave up.

She gave a sly grin. “Sensei, you’ve kissed me already as Aqua. No pressure, but you should consider taking responsibility!”

??? 

“Huh?”

Did Aqua… like his sister? Were they in a clandestine relationship?

She seemed happy to elaborate in the wrong direction. “We’ve kissed once for real, and twice during filming for the movie.”

Aqua was the scriptwriter for the movie, right? What the hell? Was lust for his sister running crazily through his mind as he penned the scene?

Was Akane off the mark when she told me I liked Kana? I based my understanding of Aqua heavily on her words.

“… So di-”

I tried to speak but caught myself. Our conversation was about to go completely off track. I could ask about Aqua’s feelings later, but that wasn’t the point right now.

I would take Ruby’s words with a grain of salt. This girl had a habit of saying irresponsible and misleading things.

“No, no, forget about it! Don’t worry about it for now.” I shook my hands quickly.

“Aww…”

“As for how I feel about you, Ruby-chan, you don’t have to wait for my response. I already know.”

“Then, Sensei, does that mean…” Her eyes began to widen. She looked like she hadn’t been expecting a response from me so soon.

I nodded. Even I was surprised by my bold declaration. I knew I was a coward, so I impulsively gave myself no way of backing out.

But yikes, I was still too reckless. My quick words, meant as condemnation for my cowardly self, were ill thought out.

Weren’t there so many questions I still had to consider? Wasn’t I just inventing a complicated rationale about Sarina and Aqua so that I could justify my forbidden feelings?

… My heart thumped, louder and louder.

The seconds elapsed in silence.

Ruby looked like she was going to start crying. She started to assume the worst.

Be selfish. Be free. Tell her what you think.

The words I had to utter. The words that would set my destiny. I opened my mouth for the final time.

“Hoshino Ruby, I love you!”

There it was, I said it. The words that I agonized over. The words that I felt too guilty to utter. The words that I spent way too long searching for through the chaos and disorder of my mind.

I had searched for the meaning of love in my heart. Love had many different forms. The love of a parent and child, the love of two siblings linked at birth, the love of two close friends who looked out for one another, the love of a fan devoted to their oshi.

Like a scientist, I had considered each and every kind of love. What could I have possibly felt towards Hoshino Ruby? I struck out the outliers through the process of elimination. And as for the rest, one stood out like a fiery flame:

The love of two people who once upon a time were strangers, yet chose to get close to one another and intertwine their lives together.

In a previous life, we had both started off as strangers, went through our own hell…

“Sensei!!!”

… and ended up together in heaven.

Ruby - thank you. Thank you for inspiring the old Amamiya Gorou, leaving behind the sweetest memories as Sarina, being the source of light for Aqua, and guiding me faithfully through this strange new world. You’ve been my most important person over all three lives.

===

“♫ Sensei, sensei, sensei! ♫” Ruby sung in delight as she swung my arm back and forth, as we walked back to the hotel hand in hand. “I’m so happy that I could sing a song!”

I encouraged her. “I’ll sing along with you! I’ve memorized all the lyrics to B-Komachi songs, new and old.”

“Hehehe, then I won’t hold back, Sensei.”

♫

Because… just an acrylic stand isn’t enough, right?

I won’t leave you for even a single moment. Chomp!

♫

Ruby’s free hand chomped my shoulder like a claw, as if she was compelling me to join. I sang along for the chorus.

♫

I love you pop you

Don't look away, okay?

With love laid bare, in the end

It's only you, right?

Appearing everywhere I go

Pop you love you

Always by your side

♫

Quite a fast-paced song to sing along to. It had taken me many tries in private to get the words to flow smoothly without fumbling them.

“Your singing’s gotten a lot better. I thought that your voice was tuned in the recording for sure.” I complimented her with a bit of cheekiness.

“Hmph! Your singing’s gotten worse!” She jabbed right back.

“I’ve been down under for twenty years. I have a good excuse for not improving my singing.”

Ruby stuck her tongue out at me in response. “Your singing wasn’t any good as Aqua either, so those extra twenty of years of practice went straight to waste. You don’t have the talent to be a beautiful genius idol like me.”

“Says who. I bet that I could’ve been an idol as Aqua.”

Even though we were bickering and laughing with each other like nothing had changed, I felt the happy glow of euphoria that accompanied every swing of my hand linked with hers. Our lives, fates, and destiny were now intertwined with the greatest promise of love that language could deliver.

But there was something else accompanying my euphoria. I had finally cracked open a part of me that’d been squirreled away since birth. 

For the first time, I could say that I was selfish. These feelings were my own, and this decision was irrevocably mine and made for the benefit of me alone. I didn’t say yes to please her, even though I could have. I said yes because I wanted to.

I could’ve even said no to avoid the scorn and contempt of other people. This decision was, to put it lightly, completely irresponsible. In the eyes of our friends and family, we were still brother and sister, especially after all my work convincing them I was the reincarnation of Aqua.

This was the meaning of freedom. The freedom to make decisions for myself, good or bad. The freedom to live my own life and live unapologetically. I hummed along in happiness as Ruby continued onto the next song.

===

As we continued walking and neared the hotel, unfortunately, I began to sweat. The talk of freedom and all was great, but how on Earth was I going to realistically explain this to Miyako, Kana, and Akane? This was still a world where your friends and family mattered. I couldn’t throw their opinions and feelings towards the ground and stomp on them.

Ruby brought up a sudden question. “Sensei, are you nervous about something?”

“Uh, what gave you that idea?” I pretended to be clueless.

She held up my sweaty hand. Guilty.

“Er… ah…” I stalled for time to think of a response.

I wish that this was the type of thing where I could just dig my head into the sand and ignore. The problems of life were sometimes too hard to solve.

I didn’t even know where to begin in explaining our relationship to others. The difference in perspective between me and someone like Miyako or Kana was insane. They didn’t and couldn’t know who Sarina was, and they barely knew anything about my past life. As they heard my desperate words, what else could they think of me other than a lustful pervert who ignored and scorned all societal boundaries? Someone thirsting for his sister and someone over a decade his junior?

“I was thinking that, it could be really problematic for us once we tell others that we’re in a relationship.” I admitted.

“I see,” Ruby commented as she drifted off into thought. Thank goodness she wasn’t playing the fool about incest anymore.

“What will our friends think if they hear I’m really dating you?” I moaned. “I also can’t betray Miyako like this. She’s going to kick me out of the house once she knows.”

“You’re such a moralist, Sensei.”

I laughed bitterly. What a throwback. If I were a real moralist, I would’ve avoided this sticky situation in the first place.

Ruby stuck her thumb out and proudly pointed it at herself. “Give me some time! I’ll do the explaining to our friends and family.”

Eh, what? As I opened my mouth to object, Ruby interrupted me. She placed her hands on my shoulders. “You’ve worked hard, Sensei. This time, you can relax and leave it all to me!”

I closed my eyes and suppressed my natural urge to argue back and take on the burden. If she were my equal, then I would need to trust her. “Alright, Ruby-chan. I’ll leave it to you.”

She grinned upon hearing my words of faith.