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The necklace. The one he had talked about in the garden with an almost vast hesitance. The one he explained belonged to his mother; a sign of undying devotion. The one he had showed me before the attack on Portland Row; like he was on a time crunch, like he was scared he’d never get another opportunity.
The same necklace sat between the neat pages placed on my bed. The sight of it struck me like lightning. It left me with a nervous flutter in my stomach and a giddy smile on my face. I had known for some time the effect Lockwood had on me. How his words of admiration turned on a light inside of me and the tingles that showed up whenever we shared small touches in fencing practices. My time away from home was a hole in the dam that tried to hold off all those feelings. In my loneliest moments, I would find myself thinking about him while trying to get warm despite the chill of the empty apartment – the skull’s glass covered so I wouldn’t be forced to stare at his void sockets. Although I tried not to read too much in the way my stomach clenched nervously when any dark-haired boy wearing a cloak strolled in the furnaces or how I’d smile when meaningless things reminded me of him, I knew Lockwood became more than just my employer. It happened unexpectedly. Like the subtle creep of malaise when the sun went down and the roads no longer belonged to the living. It irked me that I couldn’t find a time when Lockwood’s smile didn’t make my cheeks flush or when his praise didn’t cause a ridiculous amount of pride to swell in my chest.
In the beginning I stored all those confusing feelings in a box deep down so I could forget them, but since rejoining the company the box refused to close whenever he was around, the contents spilling out when his hand touched mine or his laugh rung loudly in my ears. Our problems with Fittes were the only thing keeping me distracted enough and although we still have plenty on our plate now that everything is over, I was afraid of things slowing down and finally having time to think about what it all meant.
I knew I couldn’t stand to lose him. It had been the only concrete thought when I faced down Marissa and her ghost friend, but I also knew Lockwood would die in a heartbeat if it meant stopping the Problem. It’s why I took the elevator on my own when we got separated. I didn’t have a plan or a trick up my sleeve, only the determination to finish what we started. To keep them safe. To keep him safe. I should’ve known Lockwood wouldn’t let me have the spotlight. He is much too prideful – too good - to do that.
When he initially walked in and stood next to me as we looked out the window of his old childhood bedroom, I thought he was going to say something. The renovations were almost finished and we were alone for the first time since the battle. But the feeling passed quickly and he left the papers I was supposed to sign on my bed with a question of meeting him downstairs for a walk. Only he didn’t just leave the papers. His mothers necklace gleamed between the pages and the box fell apart as all those unsought feelings poured out all at once.
With a stupid smile, I put it on and rushed down the stairs where I almost bumped into Holly.
“Careful, Lucy!” she scolded, holding up the freshly folded laundry out of the way. “The floor is still dirty and I just can’t stand another hour of washing out paint stains. I swear, I won’t feel peace until we finish this hallway.”
The hallway looked pretty nice considering the rough plaster job Kipps and Lockwood spent an entire weekend working on. The intact part of the wall had already been painted by George while Holly and I fixed the shelves and salvaged whatever was left of the artefacts Lockwood’s parents left behind. It wasn’t the most professional looking but when had the word professional ever been used to describe our agency.
“Sorry, Hol.” I stepped around her, carefully this time. “I wasn’t paying attention.”
“Clearly.” She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “Why are you so agitated?”
“No reason!” I exclaimed, a bit too quickly to actually be telling the truth. Holly’s frown deepened but she dusted some inexistent lint of the top of the pile and handed the clothes to me.
“Great! Then you’ll have no problem helping me with these. I have another wash and some calls to respond to. Ever since Fittes closed down, Lockwood and co. has become everyone’s first choice.” She said and I detected a sliver of pride in her words. “Your skirts are at the bottom; you need to put George’s T-shirts in his second drawer – not first, that’s where he stuffs his underwear and that’s one place I don’t touch, and of course, the white shirts are Lockwood’s. I usually hang them up but because of the ridiculous number of cloaks he has, you might just want to put them on a shelf.”
“Well, I – “ I stuttered, overwhelmed by all the information thrown at me.
“That is, unless you have something more important?” she asked, not unkindly.
I did have something important – or rather, someone very important waiting for me downstairs. One look at Holly however and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her anything. Not until I talked to Lockwood. Properly.
“Sure.” I said, defeated.
Holly smiled and then glanced at my necklace.
“I haven’t seen that before.” She said, admiring it. “It looks beautiful on you, Lucy.”
I turned around to hide the way I stupidly smiled at her compliment and shouted a thanks before rushing to finish my task. It didn’t take me more than a few minutes but it felt longer than that as I sprinted towards the stairs. Once again, I almost crashed into someone. Why was everyone suddenly in a hurry to get in my way?
I looked up and tried not to show my irritation. “Kipps.”
“Always nice to see you too, Carlyle.” He said, tone just as annoyed. “I need those papers for Barnes by tonight. Surely Tony didn’t forget to give them. A third time.”
Suddenly, the mention of Lockwood made me feel all clammy.
“No, he gave them.” I said in what I hoped was a relaxed and composed manner. It was hard when thinking of Lockwood made me feel anything but relaxed and composed.
Kipps seemed troubled by my answer. “You look nervous. It’s never good when one of you lot looks nervous. It means you’re hiding something illegal and I always end up suffering for it.” I opened my mouth to deny everything but he held up his hand. “Don’t tell me. I want deniability if you end up dead or something. But if this affects me in any way, I’m blaming Lockwood. Tell him that.”
I nodded and didn’t hold back as I sprinted towards the door.
“Don’t forget, Carlyle! Papers by tonight!” Kipps yelled as I shut the door behind me and abruptly stopped in front of the boy waiting on the porch, hands dug deep inside his big cloak.
I forgot all about Holly and Kipps’s papers and the only other thought than Lockwood was how grateful I was that George hadn’t stopped me in my tracks as well, but even that was for a brief moment. Lockwood looked up from the ground and I could tell he was anxious. His shoulders were slouched and his face hadn’t yet lost the crinkle in between his eyebrows as if he’d been frowning. I wondered if he was worried that I wouldn’t show up for the walk after finding the necklace.
As soon as he saw it hanging loosely around my neck, his shoulders relaxed and his charming smile found its place once again. I smiled back. It felt good to know I wasn’t the only one nervous. Lockwood just knew how to hide it better.
“You look nice.” Lockwood said, eyes stopping for a moment on the blue gem. I was wearing the same thing I always did. Black leggings underneath a skirt and a fluffy jumper to keep the chill of London weather away. He had seen me wear the same outfit in my bedroom just minutes ago. The compliment still made my cheeks redden.
“Thanks. It’s the accessories that pull the look together, really.” I said and Lockwood let out a laugh.
“Blue has always been your color.” He agreed and offered his arm. “Shall we?”
I took his invitation. How could I not? We walked in silence for some time, not passing too many people. The Problem was not as prominent as before but the adults were still cautious when walking streets deserted of any sun. It was peaceful, if a little counter-productive. We acknowledged there was something more than just friendship between us but we hadn’t established what that ‘something’ was. I knew Lockwood had trouble previously confiding about his past or his feelings, but I didn’t want any more confusing and open-ended questions. I wanted a real conversation. Before I could ask him straight up what his feelings for me were, he cleared his throat.
“I wasn’t sure you were going to join me.” He confessed, walking slower than before. “If this were a case and you let me wait for half an hour, I would’ve left without you, Luce.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” I apologized, only now realizing how it must have looked. I hadn’t realized how much time had passed since our conversation in my bedroom. I did spend a lot of time gawking at the necklace. “It wasn’t entirely my fault. Kipps wasn’t very happy about the lack of signed papers in his hands.”
Lockwood smiled. “Kipps. Always ruining my plans.”
“And I was pretty taken aback when I found this.” I picked up the necklace earnestly. It was beautiful but I would’ve been just as excited if he gave me a donut from Ariff’s and a note saying ‘I like you’.
Lockwood’s smile disappeared. “I should’ve given it to you myself. I tried to, back in the garden, before Winkmen and his goons showed up and then afterwards in your room. But I chickened out.”
“I’m just glad you did it.” I said, relieved we were finally talking. “Maybe I should’ve been more obvious.”
He let out a small laugh. “Oh, Lucy, I think you were obvious enough.” I turned to him confused and maybe a little embarrassed. He bit back his grin. “I didn't miss the change when Holly showed up. First couple of days I thought maybe you were holding a grudge because we hired her without you but after the not so subtle glares when I complimented her, I figured out you were jealous.”
My face felt hot despite the cold breeze. “I wasn’t jealous.” I said, a little annoyed by how confident he sounded. “My reaction to Holly had everything to do with the way she intruded in my life. She was different and unexpected, and you know I don’t do well with new people. Remember how long it took me and George to get along.”
Lockwood nodded slightly. “Yes, but you didn’t scoff when I held out a hand to George or lashed out when I lent him your rapier.”
“That’s because he’s not –“ I glared at him, letting him go. “I was annoyed with how comfortable you were with her! It took you so long to tell me about your parents or talk about anything other than cases but with Holly? It’s like you were an open book! How long did it take for you to trust me with anything? With Jessica?”
“Lucy -“
“And that Wintergarden case. She was inexperienced, she told you that, but you trusted her more than me at the time. It hurt.” I admitted, wondering how he could anger me just as quickly as he could make me implode with happiness.
"I know. And I am sorry for that, Luce." He sighed, almost avoiding looking me in the eyes. “Mostly, I wish I hadn't done all of it on purpose.”
I felt my stomach drop. “What?”
“I had hoped this would go differently.” He muttered, running a hand through his hair but made the effort to look at me. “I suspected you might have a crush on me. It was nice, at first, to have a pretty girl like me.” He said, and despite how arrogant he sounded the stupid compliment still made me feel warm inside. “But I realized soon enough that it was turning into something more serious and I wanted to let you down without ruining the dynamic of the agency. I was afraid that you might leave the company if I hurt your feelings.” He smiled bitterly at the irony. “I used Holly as a way to distance myself, making subtle hints like giving her my clothes or choosing to stay with her on stake-outs.”
Watching my face, he quickly clarified. “But I didn’t hire her because of that, I swear! She was looking for a job and had all the qualities we were looking for just in time to help with all the extra work. Although, I won’t deny that I might have rushed her hiring before your return.”
“I don’t understand.” I said, trying to comprehend the way Lockwood’s mind worked. He had tried so hard to let me down gently, as he put it, before even I realized I liked him, and now he gifted me his mother’s necklace that symbolized … something. Romantic, I hoped.
“Luce,” he said softly, taking my hands. His hands were warm and he was confusing me more. “I know how it all sounds and I wouldn’t be surprised if you might want to slap me for it.” I nodded, making him smile brightly. “Just please do it after you hear everything.”
He seemed restless, so he let go of one of my hands and gripped the other tightly as we resumed walking. It felt like something a couple would do. Holding hands. I never felt so nervous before and this was hardly the first time Lockwood grabbed my hand. It felt different. He wasn’t doing it so he could lead me away from danger or to comfort me in front of a ghost. He just wanted to hold my hand and I wanted to hold his.
“I was selfish. I still am when it comes to you, Luce.” He said and squeezed my hand. I don’t know why it made me shiver. “Even then, I didn’t want to lose you so I did everything to keep you around. You were the best listener and you were mine. My agent. Then, I learned to value you for your friendship. You and George became my family. I began to forget the reason I started my company. All of a sudden, ghost hunting didn’t bring me as much satisfaction as spending the evenings laughing and joking together. When I realized you liked me, I knew I had to push you away. Not because you weren’t amazing but because I wasn’t meant for something long-lasting, like a relationship.”
“I am reckless.” He admitted. “Arrogant and overconfident in my skills. I know Barnes thinks I’m oblivious to my faults but I do see them. I didn’t care to change them. All because I never expected to live a long life.”
“Lockwood –“ I said, but he squeezed my hand again and it effectively shut me up.
“I had lost everyone that got too close. Back when we were still rivals, Kipps made a joke once that I was cursed. That every time I barely escape death, someone else pays for it. I didn’t realize how much it stuck with me until you got too close. You were too good to lose. So I made a promise to myself not to let his joke be true. I wouldn't escape death if it meant saving you.”
“You scare me when you say stuff like that.” I whispered and his thumb drew a circle on the back of my hand.
“I know.” He said, quietly. “I’m sorry but I don’t want to lie to you.”
That didn’t comfort me and I had a feeling that hadn’t been his intention. I wanted honesty. I have told him that and each time we got closer, he rewarded me with another piece of the puzzle that was himself. Despite him knowing I would hate the truth; he still told me everything and that made me appreciate it all the more.
“I hate you a little when you say that.” I repaid him with some honesty back. “Like it’s selfless when it’s just plain stupid.”
His smile was so tight. “It’s the opposite really. I do it because I’m very selfish. If I truly wanted to keep you safe than I should’ve let you leave Lockwood and co. No matter how hard I tried to be content with it, I can’t stand letting you go.”
“You asked why I pushed you away and the reason is . . . I couldn’t promise you something certain.” He stared at me, searching me as seriously as he would inspect a haunted room. “I’m not entirely sure I can promise it now.”
We reached a deserted alley I hardly recognized. The clouds grew darker and the breeze picked up. It would be completely dark soon and neither of us brought our rapiers.
“What changed?” I asked, stopping to catch my breath. It had nothing to do with our walk.
He let go of my hand.
“You left.” He said, standing so close I could feel his words on my face. “I didn’t use to care about dying. Then you left and suddenly I didn’t care so much about living either.”
“Lockwood –“
His hand picked up my chin. “I let my selfishness win.”
My heart was beating faster than any adrenaline shot could ever hope to achieve. If I ever got ghost-touched, all Lockwood had to do was keep talking like that. Yet he still wouldn’t say it. “I need a straight answer, Lockwood.” I kept my composure and he respectfully leaned slightly back but didn’t remove his hand. “What do you feel for me?”
He didn’t look scared exactly but definitely apprehensive. “I thought I was pretty straight forward about that.”
I leaned away until my back hit the wall. His hand dropped down.
“I’ve had enough of your subtle hints.” I said, calling out the way he’d rather jump in front of danger and declare his life below mine rather than saying he liked me. “Say it.”
He looked at me for a long moment, then took a step closer. “Lucy Carlyle.”
“Yes.” I said, trying to hide the effect he had on me.
“I am selfishly, hopelessly, stupidly in love with you.”
I froze. Tingles ran all the way up my spine. He was so close and so warm against the chill of the dark. Those words were enough to make me forget where we were and how dangerous the darkness that enveloped us was. All I cared about was Lockwood and his stupidly good declaration. He had lost more than most and swore to keep people away to save himself more heartache. He hid behind his nonchalance after he lost his family but he still broke that wall to tell me how he felt. Because I asked him to. A warmth spread throughout my body. I wanted him to be sincere but I never expected him to say…
“Did you say in love – ” I never got to finish as he closed the distance between us and the warmth sparked into a fire burning bright inside me. His kiss was soft, unlike anything else Lockwood does. His hands landed on my waist and using the instinct that usually guides me whenever Lockwood makes me lose myself, my hands landed around his neck, playing with his coat. It barely registered this was my first kiss.
He broke away, smiling in that charmingly way of his. “Was that good enough, Carlyle?”
“I’m happy for now, Anthony.” I joked back.
He startled me. I didn’t know kissing could get better, but when he pulled me closer without any warning, I learned Lockwood can perfect anything he sets his mind on. He was just as gentlemanly as before but this kiss was certainly more intense. I had to gasp for air when it finally ended.
“Lockwood, I um –” I tried stringing a sentence together but failed.
His hand raised to my chin once more. “Sorry, should’ve asked. I just got a little carried away. I forgot how nice my name sounds when it’s not said by Kipps.”
I laughed, burying my hands around his neck to keep the chill out. His nose scrunched up.
“Your hands are freezing.” He commented but let me keep them there. “We should head back probably. The others might worry.”
“Let them.” I said, too scared of leaving. Lockwood was a confusing boy and although unfounded I was scared going back would mean this might disappear as well. I didn’t want him closing up again. I wanted to keep him there, where he was mine.
He raised a brow but didn’t move yet, which made me way too happy.
“Lockwood – ”
“Careful what you say, Luce." he teased, invading all my personal space. With him, that boundary was something I was excited to cross. "When you’re so close it’s kind of hard for me to think properly.”
“Good.” I smiled. He blinked down at me, so close that I could see thoughts running behind his dark eyes. He’s always been handsome but something about the pure light in his eyes made him that much more attractive. “Because I’m in love with you too.”
I was so right. Lockwood was perfecting this kissing stuff way too quickly. Maybe it was the genuine feeling behind it, or the way his hand landed next to my neck while the other held me close and away from the cold, or maybe it was just Lockwood but I’ve never felt myself lighter. His hair fell on his face but he couldn’t care less as he smiled at me, leaving my lips tingling.
“I’d love nothing more than to stand in this creepy alley and kiss you as many times as you let me,” he said making me blush furiously. “But I just saw a Specter gawking at you and I’m getting terribly jealous.”
I snapped my attention to the other side of the alley and realized Lockwood was right. I could hear the sound of his cane thumping on the concrete. My senses had been so overwhelmed by Lockwood I hadn’t noticed that the repeated thwonk wasn’t just my heart beating rapidly against my ribcage and that the chills were actually malaise.
“We should probably leave.” I said, immediately releasing him. He nodded, fixing his hair, as if to be presentable in front of the ghost. “He doesn’t seem aggressive, mostly sad. I remind him of his little sister.” I closed my eyes searching for others. “There is a Stone Knocker not too far and I think a Wisp might be following him but nothing dangerous yet.”
I opened my eyes to see Lockwood looking at me intently. I felt exposed when he studied me like that.
“What?” I asked, pulling the sleeves of my jumper closer.
“You’re amazing, Luce.” He smiled brilliantly. Without warning, he stole another kiss. “Truly.”
It was so quick I barely had time to react. The loud thumping brought me back. I smiled at him teasingly. “You might want to refrain from doing that. At least, until we get home.”
“Um, why?” Lockwood scrunched his eyebrows like he fully disliked the idea.
“Because the Specter doesn’t like seeing his sister’s lookalike kissing boys.”
Lockwood glanced behind me and took my hand before leading me away from the alleyway. We walked underneath the ghost lamps, his hand rubbing circles on my hand again. I was starting to get used to that. Lockwood leaned close to my ear. “I’ve already shared you with a skull, I’m not letting another dead take you away from me.”
I laughed. Which must have been pretty unusual for someone to do on the dark streets of London, where most know not to tread without protection, but with Lockwood beside me I always felt like the world was a little more open to the impossible.