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“So um…you coming?”
Castiel blinked and looked up in astonishment. Dean was staring at him expectantly, firmly clenching his jaw and holding himself tensely, his eyes full of fear but also, Cas thought, hope.
“What?” Castiel answered whilst trying to figure out what Dean was asking him. He was so tired and weary after the past few days that he could barely think straight. His purely human brain failing him in its ability to decipher all the intricacies in the look Dean was giving him. Dean’s shoulders slumped at his answer in obvious disappointment. Castiel furrowed his brow.
“Whatever man… Sorry. I… I’m going to bed… I’m exhausted. You must be too.” Dean made a motion to turn and it occurred to Castiel that Dean’s defences were back up and strong once again but Castiel reached out and touched his shoulder. His mind had finally caught up.
“Wait. Yes, Sorry. I meant yes. I’m coming… with you, that is. Of course.” He stuttered over his words and held Dean’s gaze hoping that that would clarify his meaning. Dean’s lip twitched in a microscopic smile and he nodded.
Castiel followed Dean down the hall to Dean’s bedroom. Sam had already turned in for the night, all of them were exhausted. It was the first night they had returned to the bunker since Castiel and Sam had risked everything to bring Dean back from his prison in the “Empty” with Amara. Dean had been hospitalised once his soul was returned to his body, stuck in a coma for several days whilst the doctors worked to bring him back fully. Castiel had watched on helplessly, the last of his grace spent in the final spell to save Dean.
The past few weeks had been horrific, it was strange to think that only two weeks ago Castiel had been possessed by Lucifer, attempting to slaughter the Winchester’s and join Amara in her quest to destroy all of creation. Two weeks since the brothers had been able to trap Lucifer, two weeks since Dean had forced his way into Lucifer’s mind, to find Castiel and make him expel the devil from his vessel. Two weeks since Dean had seen exactly where Lucifer was keeping Cas prisoner. Two weeks since he had walked in to see himself wrapping his arms around Castiel in bed, kissing him and praising him with promises of love and happiness for the rest of their human lives. Two weeks since the real Dean had stood at the end of that bed and convinced him to leave his happy bubble to fight with them again.
Two weeks since Dean had promised him that for real.
Castiel stood now awkwardly outside Dean’s bedroom door. Dean on the other side of the threshold. He looked down nervously waiting for a further invitation, still unsure if Dean had meant what he had hoped. Dean cleared his throat and stepped aside, his eyes darting nervously from Castiel to the bed as he beckoned him in with a sweeping motion of his arm. Castiel stumbled in behind him and turned to watch Dean close and lock the door.
They were still so uncertain of everything between them. They hadn’t really talked about it, after that first revelation of Castiel’s innermost desires inside his own head, to which Dean confirmed awkwardly were returned. Leading to fake Dean’s immediate disappearance and Castiel staring longingly into his eyes whilst still bare chested and slightly aroused in fake Dean’s bed.
The hours after had been extremely tough on Castiel, his fight with the devil for dominance of his own body had cost him much power, and left him weak and tormented still even once he had cast Lucifer out. Luckily both Sam and Dean had been there with him, as he woke up chained in the bunker’s dungeon ready to catch him as he slumped forward from exhaustion. Castiel had spent three days recovering in the Bunker whilst the Winchester’s tried to plan their next course of action. Neither Dean nor Castiel had said another word about his dream world, or Dean’s subsequent confession which was the driving force behind him beating the devil.
Dean stood now by his bed, looking over at Castiel as if unsure of his next move. He rubbed the back of his neck and huffed a laugh.
“I… I tend to sleep on the right side. Do you mind the left?” He gestured to the left side of the bed nearest to where Castiel was currently standing. Castiel looked down at the bed and swallowed. Dean had seen his dream, he knew which side Castiel had been lying on, the question was a way to clarify Dean’s intentions to Castiel without having to outright say it. Would you sleep here with me tonight?
Castiel smiled and nodded. “That’s fine Dean.”
Dean visibly relaxed at Castiel’s response and held his gaze as he gingerly walked towards him. Dean laid his hands on Castiel’s shoulders and Castiel took in a breath. Dean’s warmth radiated from him as he moved into his space and leaned forward, letting their lips touch in a chaste kiss. Dean had closed his eyes but Castiel couldn’t avert his gaze from the man who now stood so close. Resting his forehead against his he could count the freckles on his nose. Castiel smiled and kissed Dean again, bringing up his arms to wrap around his back.
They stood there in a warm embrace, neither speaking, for a good few moments. Castiel was struck by just how much he adored the man in his arms, he had always known it of course, but in this moment the whole range of human emotion washed over him and he felt completely overwhelmed, burying his head in the space between Dean’s neck and shoulder and letting out a quiet sob. He felt Dean’s hold on him get tighter and sighed.
“Hey,” Dean whispered “It’s alright – We’re alright.”
Dean was right of course, for the first time in so long they actually were alright.
After Cas had recovered from Lucifer’s possession the boys had jumped into action to track down both Amara and the devil. Finding her was easy due to her pull on Dean, and with Lucifer by her side she was almost unbeatable. Yet the one thing that neither Lucifer nor Amara accounted for was the thing that would be their undoing.
The love between Dean, Sam and Castiel.
When it came down to it, Amara betrayed Lucifer when he tried to harm Dean. She was far too strong for him and managed to get inside his own head, manipulate him as he had manipulated all of team free will at various times. She filled him with her Darkness and the boys watched on as the devil screamed in agony before flashing out of existing in a blink of an eye. The fear Castiel felt at that moment was among the greatest he has ever felt in his entire life.
Billy the Reaper had supplied them with a spell to open up Amara’s prison. The so called “empty” space between all the realms where she previously dwelled, leaking through as dark corruption in the form of the Mark. Unfortunately that spell required blood. The blood of the one who released her. The one to whom she was bound. Dean had stepped up and Castiel could do nothing but watch as he went willingly to Amara, trapped under her spell. Yet when the ingredients first were set, and Sam had crept behind her to cast the first part and force her dark form to evacuate her human body, the dark cloud that surrounded all three of them wrapped them in a storm of pure chaos. Sam held onto Amara’s human body binding it with the spell and he shouted out NOW!
Castiel had one role to play in this spell. The role of executioner. He had hated every second of it and remembering it now had tears rolling down his cheeks as Dean’s hands ran in soothing circles over his back.
“It’s okay Cas. I’m here. You saved me, remember?” Dean spoke softly as he pulled Castiel away and cupped his cheeks, wiping away his tears with his thumbs. “We’re safe Cas.”
Castiel held onto Dean’s hands with his own and took a breath. “Dean.” He spoke the name like it was holy. Castiel considered then that it was, just as meaningful as speaking the name of his father. Something to be revered. “It just… feels unreal.” Castiel struggled to explain his emotions, still getting accustomed to being human once again. He swallowed “It’s difficult to truly grasp everything that we have been through.”
Dean smiled at him but there was a heaviness now behind that smile. The unacknowledged understanding between them that no matter what they had been through, it would never truly be over, and that they would keep fighting all the same. Dean let his hands drop from Castiel’s cheeks and took his hands to link their fingers.
“Come on.” He said “It’s been a long day… we should sleep.”
Still holding Castiel’s hands Dean guided him over to the bed. Castiel was captivated by how beautiful Dean was and he wanted to say it, but he thought Dean might get embarrassed. Figuring he’ll save up the praise for once they were more comfortable he let Dean tug on the collar of his trenchcoat.
“You’re not gonna wear this in bed are you?” he smirked.
Castiel looked down at the full suit and coat he was still wearing. The same outfit he had worn every day as an angel, like battle armour. Once he had fallen for good there had been too much going on to even think about changing. He hadn’t even considered it. He let Dean slip the coat off his shoulders along with the suit jacket underneath. He immediately felt more comfortable as the cool air from the Bunker circulated around him. The thin dress shirt providing little coverage to his now sensitive human skin. Dean folded his coats and draped them over a chair. He approached Castiel again and ran his hands up his chest over his shirt, moving to undo the top button where he hesitated.
“Is this okay Cas?” Dean asked him, nervousness still evident in his eyes. Castiel smiled and nodded, giving Dean full permission to undress him. As Dean’s hands gently worked their way down his chest Castiel was reminded of the last time that Dean’s hands had been on him like this, gripping his shirt white knuckled whilst Castiel held onto a blessed blade and stared into his terrified eyes through his tears.
“Do it Cas! You have too!” Dean had shouted at him. Eyes darting between Castiel’s and Sam who stood to the side still holding onto Amara’s unconscious body.
“Dean… I don’t think I can.” Castiel had begged. “There has to be another way!”
“There isn’t Cas! We’ve been through this!” Dean had cried back. “It’s the only way to stop her! Through me!” Dean had gripped hold of Cas by his shirt and pulled him close.
“I can’t lose you Dean.” Castiel had stuttered through his tears, his anguish clearly evident in his face. “I… I love you.”
Dean’s eyes had widened at that admission. Dean may have known Castiel’s desire for him, but neither had spoken about the truth behind the desire, neither had admitted it before and Dean had choked and looked like his heart had broken before Castiel’s eyes.
Before Castiel could think another thought Dean had lurched forward, throwing himself into Castiel’s arms and kissing him deeply. Castiel would never forget that kiss, the kiss that spoke a thousand words, the kiss that had frozen his world and turned the dark storm cloud swirling around them to silence until all that was left was Dean. The kiss that pulled apologies from their lips and dreams of a better life from their breath. Castiel thought then that the world his father created had never been so cruel, to take Dean from him in that moment. That this was their first kiss, and also their last.
Whilst Castiel was wrapped up in his thoughts of Dean he did not notice Dean’s hand creep around and grip tightly on his arm, the arm holding onto the blessed blade, did not notice how Dean had pulled forward hard, nor how the blade was pointed directly at his chest at the time. By the time he realised what had happened it was already too late. Dean pulled away from his lips with a staggered gasp, his green eyes staring into Castiel’s in that way that always made his heart leap in his chest. Castiel felt the blood trickle down his hand and looked down in horror at what Dean had done.
“No.” He had whispered, Dean looked at him lovingly through his pain and reached out to cup his cheek.
“It’s alright Cas. Let me go.” He slumped forward into Castiel’s arms, blade still embedded in his chest. Castiel pulled him up and sobbed as he turned to Sam who was standing with his jaw tightly clenched and tears in his eyes. The brothers had already said their goodbyes earlier and Sam had prepared himself for this moment, though Castiel had been in denial about it right up until Amara was caught.
When the blade was pulled from Dean’s chest he staggered forward and grabbed Amara from Sam’s grip. The dark storm cloud spiralling around them now closing in, pulled by the force of whatever void had been opened up through Dean. Amara had woken and looked at Dean like he was her entire world, it had angered Castiel to see it. Ever the defiant hero, Dean had smirked at her.
“Guess you got your wish Bitch. Me n you are taking a one way trip.” Amara’s eyes had widened as she realised what they had done, trying to pull her darkness back into her form, but it was too much, the spell too powerful. Dean turned to look at Castiel and Sam one last time, smiling through the blood trickling out his mouth, before he fell unconscious. The power of the void in his chest kept him rigid and upright, like some statue on display, Castiel shuddered at the thought as Amara’s darkness was sucked through the void, Amara herself was now also rigid, still bound and unable to free herself from Dean’s grasp she tilted her head back and screamed. One by one, all the souls that she had fed on escaped. Castiel and Sam and gasped as they watched each soul ascend up towards the heavens. This had a horrifying effect on Amara, and Castiel was glad that Dean was not awake to see it as she aged rapidly before their eyes, her skin and hair shrivelling and falling as she turned skeletal before crumbling to dust. Castiel was briefly reminded of that film that Dean had made him watch several years before. The one with the archaeologist and the Holy Grail and the memory warmed him only slightly before the realisation that he would never have another movie night with Dean hit him hard.
The last of the darkness was sucked into the void and the dust of Amara’s body taken with it. Castiel and Sam both stood frozen to the spot as they finally watched Dean’s body collapse like a marionette in a heap on the ground. They both ran forward and Castiel pulled Dean up into his arms, the gaping void in his chest now just a regular wound. Dean was gone, his soul taken to the Empty along with Amara. He was lost to both of them forever.
Or not, as the case would be. Castiel had to remind himself of this as he now stood with Dean very much alive in front of him, Dean was looking at him with a worried expression and whilst Castiel focussed back on the present he realised that Dean had been calling his name.
“Cas! You there man?” He shook him slightly by the shoulders “You gave me a fright dude! What happened just then?” Castiel realised he was shaking and let out a sob as he held more tightly onto Dean’s T-shirt.
“I’m sorry Dean.” He said, “Bad memories. I suppose I shall have to suffer them from now on, not that I didn’t suffer before.” He huffed then and Dean flinched. Castiel felt his grip on his shoulders tighten. He looked up into Dean’s eyes and was grounded by them, the ever present spark of Dean’s soul glowing at him warmly, he may no longer be an angel, but he would never lose sight of that spark. He smiled at Dean and felt his hunter relax slightly. Dean stroked his arms before moving back to the buttons on his shirt.
“We all have our burdens Cas, but you can talk to me about them you know that right? It’s been a real difficult few weeks but we are safe and I am not going anywhere now, and neither are you. We’re good. Right?” Dean had finished undoing the buttons on Castiel’s shirt and moved to push it from his shoulders. Castiel sighed.
“Yes Dean.” He gripped hold of Dean’s hands and kissed them gently. “We’re good.” He smiled and moved closer to kiss Dean’s lips once again. This time taking his time and parting his lips to lick into Dean’s mouth with his tongue. Their bodies moved closer as the kiss became more heated, passionate, and Castiel moaned as Dean brought up his hands to run them through Castiel’s hair and pull him closer still. This was only their third kiss and already it felt to Castiel that they had been doing this for a lifetime, so easily did they fit together.
Castiel ran his hands along the hem of Dean’s shirt and pulled it up, parting from the kiss to pull it over Dean’s head, leaving them both standing there shirtless. Dean sighed as he moved closer again, this time kissing his jaw, before moving to his neck. Castiel drank in the taste of Dean’s skin, the smell of him was intoxicating and Castiel could still not believe that they had managed to get here. Dean moaned as their hips pressed together and Castiel ran his hands over Dean’s firm shoulders and back.
“Cas.” Dean gasped as he bit down on his shoulder, pulling him closer and thrusting against him. “Cas!” Dean gasped again and this time managed to get a grip on Castiel’s shoulders to pull him away. “Woah there buddy.” Castiel blinked at him, confused for a moment as Dean smirked at him.
“As much as I would love to keep going in that direction – we are both exhausted dude.” He huffed and reached out to cup Castiel’s cheek again and Castiel leaned into the warmth of his hand. “I want this. Believe me.” Dean held Castiel’s gaze and Castiel felt his heart leap as Dean said those words. “But I also want it to be something special” Dean averted his eyes as he said that and Castiel grinned. He watched the blush creep up Dean’s neck and radiate his cheeks so beautifully. Dean caught him grinning and gave a playful shove to his shoulder.
“Don’t laugh at me man! I’m trying to be the good guy here! I don’t wanna crash out half way through and leave you hanging!” Dean was chuckling now too and Castiel laughed and grabbed hold of him, pulling him into a hug.
“It’s alright Dean. I’m glad that it means that much to you. It should be special.” Castiel felt Dean huff against his neck and grinned again. “and I certainly don’t want to be left hanging.” He chuckled.
They pulled apart and Castiel watched whilst Dean started to remove his jeans. On noticing this Dean paused and rolled his eyes.
“Well I’m not gonna sleep in my jeans now am I?” He grinned. “You always get your freak on watching people undress?”
Castiel chuckled. “No. Only for you. That and watching you sleep of course.”
“Of course.” Dean teased.
Castiel then proceeded to remove his own slacks and walked back over to where Dean was now watching him. Dressed just in his boxer shorts, this was the most exposed he had ever been to Dean (not including the bee moment) and he felt slightly self-conscious. Though it was an unnecessary worry, for Dean gazed at him hungrily and Castiel could feel his own blush rising. Dean grinned again.
“Come on.” Dean said, taking Castiel’s hands and pulling him over to the bed. Castiel followed and lay down beside him. Dean pulled the bed covers over them both and moved close to him, kissing his lips again gently. Castiel smiled at the tender gesture and sighed as he ran a hand up Dean’s arm to settle on his shoulder, gripping him where the hand print had been all those years before. Dean took a breath at that and moved to kiss him again, this kiss was deeper, firmer and weighted in affection and an unspoken adoration shared between them. Castiel shuffled towards Dean and held him close, Dean’s hands wrapped around his back. He breathed him in and tried to forget about the memories that haunted him. The playfulness of before seemed to fade away now in the dark since Dean had turned off the light. Castiel thought back to that moment after Amara had taken Dean into the empty once again, his thoughts drifting back there as he lay in the dark.
The most vivid memories were of the pain. Of having grace torn from him in such a way that felt like his veins were filled with molten lava. There was the brilliant light so similar to heavens glory, but brighter, brighter than Grace. The power of God, Castiel had thought at the time. He had felt his father’s presence even though he knew it was not possible. The agony that flooded both his human and angelic body as the spell was cast and the doorway opened. The last words of Sam Winchester screaming at him in the darkness and the soft humming of a forgotten melody by the Reaper who called herself Billy, before everything went silent.
Then there was darkness. Only darkness. Long before Castiel had ever taken a vessel, back before humans had even walked the earth, Castiel had stretched his wings and explored the vast reaches of the vacuum of space, a young angel in absolute awe over his father’s creation. The stars burned with all the fire and glory of his father and he was drawn to them. The sun, closest star to Earth, and bringer of warmth and life to humanity, the beings that he was built to love, was his favourite.
Even in space there was light, there was movement and noise and temperature and life thrived throughout the universe, even in the harshest environments. This place was not like space. It was a vacuum perhaps, but it was like stepping inside a black hole that had been starving for billions of years. Nothing existed here. The pain still flooded his body as his grace stretched out through the darkness, in search of the soul that was bound to it.
Castiel could remember how throughout that grim period lost in the empty space between spaces, constantly fighting against the darkness that was left of Amara, how he lost all concept of time. He could have been there for centuries, millennia, he had no clue. His only goal was to find Dean. It was so unlike his first mission to rescue Dean from perdition. Then there had been constant fighting, and hellfire that burned his wings, his brothers and sisters fighting by his side, their heavenly voices reaching out to him, always connected, always tapped in to that telepathic stream that Dean had later called ‘Angel Radio’. Now there was just him, alone in the darkness, silent and cut off from heaven entirely, cut off from everything, every source of energy, of matter, this was the void between all realms, there was no existence here. Nothing but Darkness, and Dean.
When Dean’s soul had revealed itself to Castiel he had surged forward and gripped it tightly, it was without form of course but Castiel would recognise it anywhere. Cradling Dean’s soul close to his heart, Castiel thought up the words to that forgotten tune, singing them as best he could in a place that had no air to carry the sound… he knew they would be heard though. Just like a prayer. Reapers did not usually have that much power, but Billy was no ordinary reaper. She was Death reborn.
“When God has gone and the Devil takes hold. Who will have mercy on your soul.”
“Oh Death, Oh Death!” Castiel practically cried out as the portal was opened and his grace flooded the doorway. There was air and light and form and Castiel was burning as the last of the spell was done. Dean’s body reformed, his soul put back in place, and the last of his grace finally spent. Billie had given Sam a stern look, a nod of understanding, a new alliance formed between them with the knowledge that this was their last chance. A thank you for putting the world to right again. That was the last Castiel saw before he blacked out.
Dean had pulled through, there was no more magic, no more power to bring him back to full health, just plain old modern medicine. Castiel and Sam had exhausted themselves in their bedside vigils. Castiel unused to his once again human form. Dean had pulled through. His soul was exceptionally strong. But it had been so close, so close and Castiel couldn’t bare it. They would never get another chance. The new Death had promised them that.
Castiel gripped Dean tighter as he lie close to him on the bed. He breathed in the scent of him and buried his face in Dean’s chest, listening to his heart beat. It was strong, healthy. Castiel sighed his relief and Dean stirred, sensing the change in his emotional state once again.
“Cas?” Dean questioned, the word loaded with worry.
“I’m okay Dean.” Castiel answered, his gravelly voice vibrating on Dean’s chest. Castiel lay back to look into Dean’s eyes and saw the kindness there. He leaned forward for another kiss and felt Dean smile as their lips brushed softly.
“Cas, whatever keeps haunting you, let it go man. We’ve gotta let it go.” He brought up his hand to stroke Castiel’s cheek and Castiel closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. He sighed.
“Roll over” Dean whispered. “Let me hold you.”
Castiel nodded and turned away from Dean, facing the wall. He felt Dean shuffle closer, lining up their bodies so Castiel’s back was pressed flush to Dean’s chest. Dean tangled their legs together and wrapped his arms around Castiel and held him tightly. Castiel felt the gentle kisses on the back of his neck as Dean nuzzled him there and he sighed again contentedly.
“It’s alright Cas, we are fine. We are all fine.” Dean whispered through his kisses.
Castiel had never felt more comfortable, he smiled into the darkness, wrapped in Dean’s warm and loving embrace. The memories that tormented him faded into happy thoughts of Dean. He slowly drifted into a peaceful sleep with a final thought on his mind. He was home.