Archive of Our Own ^beta

Michael's biting at his lip restlessly as he nears the last pages of yet another The Walking Dead comic. He’d needed some leisurely reading to pass the time and quiet his mind before he left the house. However it had ended up with him reading the entirety of the comic he'd promised himself he'd enjoy properly on his evening off, and he frowns as he realises there’s next to nothing left for him to read. Which means he has to go back to library. Twice in three days?

Michael doesn't want to seem too eager.

As he closes the book, smoothing out the spine gently he's reminded of the reason he couldn't sleep last night and even more importantly why he needs to leave his apartment like, now.

After picking up the sleek black portfolio bag he slips on his denim jacket and tattered converse, even though the heat of summer is pretty much upon them. He locks his front door, bowing his head down with a shy smile as he sees his slightly older neighbours walking towards him. They're an inseparable couple, sweet as and always so kind to Michael but he's still Michael, still avoids interaction if he can because of how easy it is for something ridiculous to slip out of his mouth. He tries most days to stick to nothing at all.

The sun bares down on him as soon as he steps out of the apartment building, and Michael curses himself for not putting a little sunscreen on his pale face. He’s going to burn up so quickly between the jacket, his jeans and shoes. He's further reminded that he hadn't opened his curtains at all today when he's blinded by the rays and pulls sunglasses from his pocket hoping that'll be enough for his quick run to work and back.

Swinging the thin portfolio case in his hand, he thinks back to the work he'd stayed up all night completing, new ideas to show his boss that he'd been inspired to create by one of the comics he'd been introduced to only a week before. Michael had completely scrapped everything he'd planned to do prior, wanting to a direction he hadn't taken before, and for the first time in a long while he's nervous about his art. He knows he's good but this is different for him and he hopes his boss and their client will accept his new direction. He knows he’s strayed from the initial brief but it’s worth it.

If you had told Michael even 4 years ago that he'd end up completing briefs as one of Australia's most newly requested, innovative illustrators for a living he'd have laughed until he puked.

***

Mr Feldmann isn't in the office when he arrives, the receptionist Natalie tells him smoothly. He's left on emergency business and Michael could kiss the floor with how happy he is. It's not that he has anything against the bleached blonde man, who is actually incredibly kind and supportive of Michael. He always trusts him to work from home because that's where Michael’s most comfortable and creative. But that's just the thing. Mr Feldmann is so good to him that it'll crush Michael if he hates the new work. He'd prefer his boss see it when he's not there and pass on the verdict; Michael would rather not watch the look on his face if it’s disappointment.

Michael climbs into the elevator to the top floor, leaves the portfolio on his boss’ desk. He's sure he'll know what it is.

When Michael steps back out onto the sidewalk he’s out earlier than expected, and he looks around helplessly when he realises that he's got free time until Monday when he'll either work on some personal things or be contracted to work something new. But it's Friday afternoon now and he has nothing to read. A normal person would take this opportunity to branch to the library and pick up something new, but Michael had been planning to go tomorrow. At least he'd have been away for half the week. In another case, this would probably be the time to call a friend and plan something. Michael would much rather stay out of the sun. He sighs at himself and his self-inflicted vicious cycle.

Instead, he sucks up the courage to face what he'd been desperate to avoid, and dejectedly makes his way to the library that's only a few blocks away.

The thing is, the library is not the problem. The boy in the library is.

He’s the prettiest, most gentle boy Michael’s ever seen. Ever. His face is so soft, and the boy’s smile melts his heart every time it’s sent his way, which is an awful lot more than Michael thinks he deserves. His hair curls so smoothly, more and more and it’s getting longer than Michael’s ever seen it. He’d do anything to run his hands through dark chocolate hair. It’s unbearable.

It’s even worse that over the last few months since the boy started working there, he’s taking so much of a liking to Michael. He greets him by name every time, which is pretty much 80% of whenever Michael drops by and offers to help him out even though they both know he really doesn’t need it. The boy’s name is Calum, and Michael thinks he’s beautiful.

More recently, every time Michael does drop in the boy always has new comics waiting for him underneath the counter. He’s supposed to shelve them away like a “good librarian” as Calum likes to remind him every single time, as if it’s a new secret. Michael always blushes softly like an embarrassing school kid but Calum looks so accomplished that it’s kind of worth it.

When Michael walks through the automatic doors, Calum catches his presence immediately and brings a pile of four or five books from under the counter, much to the distaste of his manager who clicks her tongue and walks past. He merely smiles it off, seemingly unfazed and directs his focus back to Michael who stands sheepishly on the other side of the counter.

“Hey Michael.” Calum says brightly, and pulls one of the books from the bottom of the pile, brand new and completely unread. Michael nearly chokes and bites his bottom lip off with how nervously he starts to nibble on it.

“Thought you might like this graphic novel. I’m pretty sure it’s only just come out? I remember reading about it not too long ago, it’s supposed to be amazing.” Calum says, looking up. He must notice Michael’s nervous demeanour, because his smile slips.

“Are you okay? Do you not like this one?” He asks softly, frown lines appearing between his eyebrows. Michael wants to kiss them away.

“I do, um, yeah. Completely. I’ve, uh, heard about it too.” Michael stutters through, willing the red away from his cheeks even though he can feel they’re still warm.

“Oh, right. I haven’t got round to it yet but it looks good, tell me what you think?” Calum asks, voice sweet. Michael nods immediately, biting at his lip again. He must look like such an idiot, but Calum smiles grateful, maybe even fond. Or maybe Michael’s seeing things.

It goes a little quiet after that as Calum scans the books for him. Michael always wonders how Calum remembers every comic he’s read. They’re easily reaching ludicrous numbers in the last few months.

Calum’s voice breaks the silence as he scans the last one. “They always ask me why I convince them to get new comics.”

“What do you say?” Michael asks, voice weak as he grabs the books and holds them to his side immediately. It’s like habit now, keeping them as close and protected as he can so he can bring them back perfect. He wishes everyone else was as considerate.

“I tell them a very special library member deserves them all.” Calum whispers again, chuckling softly when Michael goes bright red again, lost for words.

“Me?” Michael squeaks, squeezing the books in his palm.

“Of course it’s you.” Calum responds, like that’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. He giggles, soft, and Michael has to move because someone’s appeared behind him. “I’ll see you soon?” Calum asks, like he does every time. Michael nods.

It’s not until he leaves the library that he remembers the graphic novel in his hand. Michael brings it to the top of his pile, breathes out slowly. He hasn’t looked at it since it was first published and Mr Feldmann sent him copies. He still remembers shading in the first drafts. He wonders what Calum would say if he knew he did the illustrations.

He’s a little surprised Calum hasn’t given him any of the books he’s illustrated before this, but the library isn’t that big and they mainly purchase the more popular graphic novels. Clearly they’re starting to branch out, and maybe Michael should start looking at his own published work a bit further than throwing his own copies on the bottom shelf in his art room. Maybe then he won’t fall apart every time he sees it in published form.

The sun is half hidden behind the clouds, so he’s okay for the most part on his walk home. He detours to the local supermarket to pick up some food for the next few days, which is mainly anything easy cook or that’s thrown into the oven. His mother will have his head the next time she’s round, he’s sure.

He finds himself feeling strangely relaxed for the rest of the day, not realising how wound up he’d been with his deadline. He snuggles into his chair to watch reruns of Modern Family since he’s not really in the mood to read, and falls asleep on the couch.

Michael wakes up just before midnight, much to his dismay but he’s still ridiculously tired and will probably fall asleep again in approximately 2 minutes. He gives his phone a quick glimpse to find an email from Mr Feldmann, and his heart races in his chest and he opens it up still half asleep.

Extremely pleased. You’ve outdone yourself, can’t wait to pass these onto the client. Will let you know the verdict.

Michael cheers quietly, stays on the couch because he’s too lazy to actually get to the bed but falls asleep that night feeling lighter than usual.

***

He won’t, can’t deny it; Michael’s not one who’s subject to change his ways. He likes having a routine, one that he can stick to easily, one that won’t throw surprises at him. It’s why he avoids organising things outside of his normal daily plans, and why he always finds himself in his favourite coffee shop a few roads over from the library.

Cute barista boy seems to notice it this too.

Michael strolls into the shop and goes to sit in his usual corner, a little further into the shop but still with enough natural light to read. He doesn’t come in and sit down all that often, preferring the comfort of his own room to enjoy his leisurely reading, but he always picks up a drink on the way home. Or on days like this when he does plan stay to stay in his corner, cute barista boy always makes it for him perfect every time.

After putting his current graphic novel down and shrugging off his coat, Michael goes up to place his order. More often than not, it’s already waiting for him and the cute boy (perhaps more man) shoos Michael off with a sweet smile, not taking Michael’s money even when he insists. Today is no different.

His name is Ashton, and he has beautiful honey brown hair the shines when it catches the light. Michael has imagined too many times twirling the tiny hairs at the nape of his neck around his finger. His amber eyes glint whenever their eyes meet, an awful lot because Michael is always staring, and his smile is like sunshine. Michael spends a lot of time in disbelief that he’s even real.

Michael watches as the boy makes him his iced caramel latte, glowing in the sun that streams in to his left. He’s so well practiced, looks completely at ease as he throws empty cartons into the bin without looking, and Michael would be such a mess at this job. The man is a pro.

“I made it a little different this time,” Ashton says, looking bright and kind and nervous as he moves to the end out of the way of the other baristas. “See if you like it?”

“Okay?” Michael asks before taking a sip. He didn’t see him do anything different. However his eyebrows shoot up as he keeps sipping from his straw; he literally can’t stop. It’s the perfect temperature to cool him down from the heat outside and so, so good. He doesn’t know what’s changed but he wants to swim in this drink even more than usual. “What did you do? It’s amazing.”

“Can’t tell you that!” Ashton laughs, head leaning back a bit. Michael’s definitely not in awe.

“But when everyone else makes it it’ll never be as good.” Michael whines, and tries not to finish it because he hasn’t even sat down yet.

“Then it’ll be my perfect drink for you.” Ashton promises, not taking his eyes off Michael. It’s easily a moment between them. Michael can’t break the eye contact, doesn’t really want to even though it’s making his stomach turn and pulling on his heartstrings. It’s torture.

He doesn’t really know what to say in reply to that, so he just smiles shyly and goes to turn around to head back to his seat.

“Michael!” He hears, turns around to find Ashton walking backwards. “Could you wait a second? Literally, two seconds.” Ashton pushes through the door to the back, leaving Michael standing by the edge of the counter. Before he can really think about what’s going on, Ashton is back holding a plate containing two slices of something that looks incredible. It smells even better as Ashton comes closer. Michael thinks this might be his favourite place in the world.

“Um, would you try this? And let me know what you think?” Ashton voices, strangely shy.

“Sure.” Michael says, because he’s not exactly going to turn food down. He goes for his pocket but Ashton can obviously see what he’s doing and his tilts his head in disbelief.

“I said try it, not buy it! Go sit!” Ashton scolds, and Michael laughs a little as Ashton pushes him gently from the other side of the counter. “Go on.”

At this point his iced latte is nearly finished, and he takes another sip before he picks up his fork to dig into whatever Ashton’s given him. It looks like a slice of pie, with beautifully decorated edges and Michael feels like he’s eating the work of a future national baker. The pastry looks so good, just like in the books and the apples and berries inside are still warm. Michael’s drooling just looking at it, before he realises he can actually eat it, and takes a bite.

He really doesn’t want to moan out load but it’s amazing. His stomach is happy right now and he finishes the first slice in three more bites.

He’s halfway through the second one before Ashton comes to sit by him, and he’s completely forgotten that he’s supposed to be giving critical feedback on this. He stops mid bite, knows he looks ridiculous holding the fork in his mouth so he pulls it away and finishes the mouthful. Ashton’s smiling but it’s definitely got hints of a smirk as he looks down at the basically empty plate.

“So you like it then?”

And that’s how it starts.

Ashton keeps giving Michael cookies and baked chocolate tarts with his iced coffee. Michael doesn’t want to object because honestly, they’re so fucking good. The baking is a gift from God. He has raspberry jam doughnuts, cranberry scones and apricot glazed pastries before he thinks his cells are turning into a sugar.

Even then it takes him a long while, two or so weeks before he says anything.

It’s a Saturday afternoon, and he’d not been doing much at home so he’d swung by the shop to enjoy some air. He’d not said much when he came in earlier to Ashton as it had been so busy, but unsurprisingly Ashton had sent him away with a scone again.

As he stands up, he hopes the entire walk that Ashton doesn’t take it the wrong way, strolling slowly up to the counter and they share a soft smile when Ashton looks up. It’s quiet in the shop now the afternoon rush has died down, and there’s only a few other customers sitting by the windows. “Um, hey?”

“Hey, want anything?”

“More like,” Michael starts, biting his lip. “Wondering something? Why do you keep giving me stuff to eat for free that people could buy? I feel like you’re losing business.”

Ashton giggles, tilting his head in the way he does that screams ‘fond’. Michael loves it. “Oh, they’re not for the shop.” Ashton explains, and Michael’s face falls into a frown. He feels a bit like an experiment, which he knew already but he thought there was at least a purpose behind it. Not that Ashton’s just been feeding him for no particular reason. He’s not even sure who’s making them.

“Oh, okay, where are they from?”

“I bake sometimes, so I bring them in or make them here if I have time, you know, share with my favourite people to try out new recipes. I really enjoy it.” Ashton says honestly, his face lighting up as he speaks. The sun is especially strong today, high in the sky and his eyes reflect the rays as they burst through the windows. Michael’s been eating Ashton’s baking. Ashton’s baking is the gift from God. Ashton is an angel.

“Oh, um, okay. Thank you?” He says, but he’s not in control of his mouth. He can’t stop staring at the boy. It didn’t even occur to him that maybe Ashton’s been baking. For his favourite people.

“You’re welcome Michael.” He giggles again. Michael goes to walk back to his seat, because he’s still speechless and his mind is a haze of Ashton. But he decides he might as well pluck up the courage and be brave for once, because Ashton’s called him one of his favourite people. He might as well return the compliment after all his incredible baking.

“You’re really fucking good Ashton. You could easily sell everything you bake.” Michael mumbles, but Ashton hears and he beams, beautiful and wide and bright and Michael feels like he’s the sun with how warm it makes him inside.

“Thank you.”

He stays in the shop until 5pm when he gets a text from Alex begging him to come over. Michael knows he has a horrible habit of neglecting his friends, the few who care and make time for him, so he figures one night away from his work won’t hurt.

But even with his friendship with Alex, which he appreciates greatly, the boy is amazing, Michael has always considered himself a bit of a lonewolf trying to make it through the day. He always has his nose buried in a book, and he knows he’s a little different.

Yet he finds himself wondering how he’s being strangely looked after by the two boys in the library and coffee shop, both beautiful and kind and cool. He doesn’t know how this has become his life.

***

It’s really subtle, the way that Calum starts trying to give Michael other things to read. He doesn’t even notice it at first. The dark haired boy keeps asking if he’s read random classics that Michael knows he probably should have but he’s never really wanted to. And when he’s tried he’s never got very far. Calum keeps giving him this look like he’s working something out, but never says anything else.

So Michael shouldn't be that surprised but still is when on a Wednesday evening Calum is sighing at him like he’s exasperated.

“It’ll be good for you to broaden yourself past comics and graphic novel stuff. I know you’ll love it.” Calum promises, bringing out a single book from under the counter. Michael doesn’t know how he gets away with it, and it’d be strange if it wasn’t so cute. “Have you heard about Nineteen Eighty-Four?”

“Yeah, a little.” Michael says, but honestly he's only heard the title.

“It’s this dystopian fiction about an authoritarian English political system, it’s really good.” Calum enthuses, but Michael’s face must be very blank because Calum laughs and goes a little pink. “I swear it sounds better than what I just said. Give it a shot.”

Michael sighs and looks down at the book facing him on the counter and back up at Calum. “I don’t know, I’m not good with longer novels?”

“It’s not that long, honestly. By the time you start you won’t even want to stop. You’ll be texting me all night.” Michael’s suddenly reminded that he’s recently acquired Calum’s number which he hasn’t particularly made use of apart from asking when he’ll next be in the library. (It was lame but he had to give Calum his own personal Deadpool comic that the library didn’t have in yet. He was being a good person.)

“I don’t know.” Michael repeats. He knows he’s stuck in his ways, but he's okay with that. Calum apparently isn’t.

“Please, Michael, for me?” And that definitely isn't fair, the way Calum whines and pouts and opens his eyes wide. It's cheating.

“Okay,” is all he says, and wait, what?

“I promise it’ll be worth the lack of pictures.” Calum teases and Michael knows it's light-hearted.

He chuckles. “It better be.”

“And if it’s rubbish I’ll take you out for coffee after my shift one day, yeah? Actually, if it’s good I’ll take you out for coffee and we can talk about it. How’s that?” Calum says, and Michael tries to keep his breathing normal and face neutral.

“Yeah, okay.” He manages, but he needs to get out before he combusts, so he tries for an excuse. “I really need coffee so I’m going to head off.”

“Oh, where’d you get your coffee from?” Calum enquires, looking out the door wistfully. Michael’s a little caught off guard by how soft he looks thinking about whatever it is that's come to mind.

“Just Artisse? It’s like two roads over.” And the answer brings a sweet smile to Calum’s face, and he looks mischievous for a second before it falls away, and it's soft again. Michael’s not intrigued. Except he is.

“I know the place. We can get coffee there whenever you’ve read the book.” He says, voice blank. Michael’s disappointed. He wanted to know more.

Calum starts scanning the books he’s bringing back. “So you’re heading there now?” Michael hums in response. He looks at the book Calum is scanning, the graphic novel he illustrated and is reminded of the fact it’s actually a week overdue because he’d hidden it underneath his pile of work. He gets his wallet out to pay the fine but Calum shakes his head. However, he kind of just keeps shaking it, and it looks a little more like disbelief than the initial ‘don’t worry’ Michael had thought, but he’s staring at the inner front page where the acknowledgements are, the library barcode on the page opposite.

“You?” Calum throws, eyes wide when he looks up. He points in the general direction of the book. “How did I not know? You?” And Michael knows where this is going now.

“Me?” He says back, face flushing softly because Calum won’t take his eyes off him.

“Is that why you were being weird? I thought you hated it! Not that you fucking drew it!”

“It’s a bit of an awkward thing to say.” Michael defends as his voice breaks partway through.

“Not to me it’s not. That’s incredible. I’ve heard of you in passing but lately your name has been everywhere and oh my god, as if I’m talking to the actual Michael Clifford.” And Michael sighs because that's what he’d been afraid of; the strange attention. Calum seems to catch on, his face falling.

“Sorry.” He says, shrugging gently. “I’m just a little surprised, is all. Your work is amazing.”

Michael blushes. He's grateful, likes to think he's modest. “Thank you.”

“Seriously, you shouldn’t have been afraid to tell me. We’re friends. Even though you’re like, up and coming illustrator, we’re still friends. Right?” Calum asks with a nervous laugh, and Michael thinks it might be a little more for Calum's benefit than his own.

“Of course.” He promises.

“Okay, good. I’ll scan these and let you get your coffee.” Calum laughs, uneasily like he's been caught doing something embarrassing. Michael is so fond.

It’s weird, because now Calum won’t stop glancing up through his eyelashes at him like he hung the stars, but it’s honestly not that different to how he looked at him before. Michael’s only noticing it now. It’s so stupid that Michael feels like his knees are about to cave in. He doesn’t dare open his mouth.

As he’s leaving, Calum calls “enjoy the book!”, and Michael smiles sheepishly and waves like an idiot. He’s in a bit of a daze after that, carelessly crossing main roads and nearly tripping over the smallest dog he’s ever seen (he pets it in apology).

When he arrives at the shop unscathed, Luke is behind the counter and the one who makes his drink, which is fine because Michael loves Luke. He’s ridiculously beautiful but so cute and so shy that Michael sees him more like the little brother to rile, because Luke gets pent up so easily. It’s incredible to watch.

“Shut up Michael,” is all Luke says even though Michael hasn’t said anything and it makes him laugh out loud, enough that it could probably be heard out back.

He certainly doesn’t try and convince himself that maybe that’s the reason Ashton appears out of nowhere and gives him an entire container of baked goods.

“I’ve been trying biscuits again this week so I hope you have a lot of milk. Or tea, coffee. I know it’s summer but definitely try the oaty ones with tea.” The older man says. No greeting or anything, and for some reason it's weirdly nice. They're past those basic niceties.

“I don’t really have much of anything but I’m sure - there’s tea.” Michael stalls, was about to say he’s sure his mum brought some last time she came around but he doesn't want to sound like some twenty three year old who still relies on his mum to feed him. When she’s on the other side of town. Even though that’s exactly what it is.

Ashton laughs a little tinkle. Michael wants to scream. “If you don’t I’m sure someone you live with has tea? I’m sure one in every like, 3 people loves tea.” He posits, looking at Michael while he bites into his own biscuit.

“I don’t live with anyone so that might be a little difficult.” Michael shrugs, eyes cast away. He's perfectly okay with living on his own, prefers it in a sense but he feels awkward saying it out loud.

Ashton's eyes are wide set when he looks back up. “…You don’t? On your own? How do you do it?”

“It’s not that bad.” Michael says, hates how embarrassed he feels.

“What about when you don’t want to cook?” Ashton genuinely asks.

“That’s like, everyday.” Michael laughs, feeling the squeeze in his body loosen a touch. “I get take out.”

“You have take out everyday?” Ashton practically wails. “No one looks after you?”

“I don’t really need looking after.”

Ashton ignores him completely. “That just won’t do.” So Ashton sends him off with even more baked stuff, even though it isn’t proper food because it’s something.

He also gives him his number. “whenever you're hungry promise you'll just text. I will happily invite you over for food, okay?”

Michael nods.

When he goes to bed that night, cup of tea and plate of biscuits beside him as he reads Nineteen Eighty-Four, Michael’s heart warms. And he wishes he could lie but he can’t, Calum’s choice of book is incredible and has him staying up late into the night even more than usual, reading about love and fear and need. He can definitely relate, thinking about the two boys who strangely look after him. It's weird, but he loves it.

He texts Calum, feeling a little brave again.

coffee might be sooner than u think

***

Michael’s at work in his art room, drawing up some ideas for a new prompt when his mum facetimes him. It’s not unusual for her to call at this time, they’re both usually home on a Saturday night but Michael had been hoping to finish his book today. He guesses it can wait, but Calum’s waiting for his message and his heart races at the thought of Calum being excited to hear what he has to say. It’s a joke.

He’s eating a flapjack when he picks up the call, and his mum looks cosy on his childhood couch, cocooned in a blanket. He misses her loads, and is reminded that it’s not too long until he goes home and can spend a week lazing like he did when he was 16. He’s excited.

“Hey mum.”

“Hey Mikey. How are you?” She coos, coming closer to the camera like that will bring her son closer to her. Michael laughs.

“Okay.” He says, stuffing his face with so much flapjack it doesn’t sound more than a muffled noise.

“What are you eating? Is it proper food? When was your last cooked meal?” She hounds unimpressed. Michael sighs before continuing to sketch. His head’s obviously not quite there when he opens his mouth to speak.

“Ashton keeps giving me his baking.” He mumbles, growling when his shading isn't quite right. He rubs it out.

“Ashton?” She says, voice soft. Michael’s head shoots up in realisation.

“Oh, um.” He blushes, feels embarrassed even though she can’t see him that well. “No one.”

But he realises how deep he is in this, because Ashton isn't no one, he's far from. And now all he think about is how much he’d love to be able to say Ashton is his.

His mum looks like she's about to question him again so he glares. “No one, mum.”

She sighs, looking to the left, probably at the TV. “How is Calum then? Still giving you books?”

Michael rolls his eyes. “Mum.”

“What? Can’t I ask?” She moans, and Michael knows how much she loves to know what's going on in his life. A lot of the time it's nothing, and other times it's something that Michael hasn't quite figured out and so doesn't want to talk about it. This is the latter. He knows his mum only cares but it’s unsettled him.

“No, it’s weird.” He whines.

“Why is it weird?”

“It just is.” He sighs, tired all of a sudden.

Of course he’d been silly enough to mention the cute boy at the library who always finds books for him to read to his mum, and now she's never going to let it go.

“I hope you’re still coming to visit soon.” She says, voice soft.

“Of course mum, wouldn’t miss it.” He promises, but they both know he’s distracted now. All he can see in his mind are two faces. Two faces he sees way too much and not enough. His heart pounds the more he thinks about it. He’s such a mess thinking about them and he hates it. He hates that he has to make up a lie to end the call because he can’t deal with any of it. It’s not his mum’s fault, and he hopes she doesn't think it's her problem that he's such a mess over stupid guys. He can't deal with having to think about Calum too. He goes to bed early that night, book still unfinished.

***

Michael’s got his nose buried in a comic book when he looks up and sees Calum walking up to the counter. He’s in his library attire, which consists of all black but it looks so good against warm brown skin. He looks tired and soft from this angle, hair untamed and curling with droopy eyes. Michael feels warmth in his chest at how cuddly he looks, and how ready for bed he probably is. They're meeting for coffee tomorrow and Michael’s so excited it's more than sad.

There’s a customer standing in the way beside Calum at the counter, so it takes a minute before they move and Michael sees who Calum is talking to, and his heart stops. It's Ashton.

Wheels start turning in his head when he sees the two of them talking, so naturally like they’ve known each other forever, and his stomach sinks because he has no confirmation at all but he already knows what this is. He can feel it.

So he doesn't blame himself and his curiosity at all, can't help it when he makes his decision. These are the only two people in his life who really give him the time of day consistently bar his parents, so he justifies it when he walks up to the counter quietly, looks into the pastry box like he wants something even though he’s sure Ashton’s got a box for him ready to take when he leaves.

Instead he listens to their conversation. They’re so entwined with each other they don’t even notice that he’s edging closer, eavesdropping quite obviously. He's just staring at a chocolate muffin.

“So can I have them?” Calum whines, but even Michael can tell there's humour in his voice.

“What did you come for?” Ashton asks, voice lightly teasing. It's so easy, Michael thinks, their back and forth. So practiced.

Calum groans. “Ash, please hurry I have to get back.”

“Hey now, who’s providing the goods here?” The older man laughs, and in the corner of his eye Michael can see Ashton’s hand reach up to Calum’s face. His face heats up as he confirms more and more what this is, what they quite possibly could be.

Calum laughs softly. “Please I’m so hungry.”

“Aren’t you lucky you have a maid to bring these in for you at your beck and call?” Ashton returns with a wry smile, reaching behind him for a paper bag.

“You’re not at my beck and call, you’re at work!” Calum says with grabby hands, and Ashton hums in reply. “I just want to eat please.”

“Well you shouldn’t have left your lunch at home this morning. You’d be eating already.” Ashton hands Calum the bag and Michael can make out the shape of the plastic container, much like the one he gives Michael.

And then Michael frowns even harder, because what does he mean, ‘home’?

“You shouldn’t have kept me up all night so I was tired and forgot them?” Calum states it like a question, tone mocking. Michael can just imagine the look on Calum's face, and feels like his heart is about to leave through his mouth as he connects the dots. He thinks he might be sick as he feels his pulse pumping aggressively in his ears. He starts to edge back slowly, nervously biting his bottom lip. Maybe if he keeps nibbling he can stop himself from saying something stupid.

“Shut up, oh my god.” He hears Ashton and Luke say at the same time, both behind the counter but he doesn't want to hear anymore.

“What, are you embarrassed?” Calum giggles. At this point, Michael’s sure his entire face is bright red, but he's sure neither boy have acknowledged him yet so he scurries back in what he hopes is a quiet manner, but he can’t tell because of the blood pounding in his ears.

Of course the only two people he likes are together, of course they are, hinting at the sex they had the night before, because this is the universe’s way of playing him for all the bad things he’s done, this is payback. But this is the worst payback he could have ever received and he sincerely hopes all of his sins have been paid for, because he feels like he’s being trampled on. He guesses that's the point.

As he grabs his things in effort to leave before he embarrasses himself anymore, he makes a mistake to glance back, finds Ashton looking at him with soft eyes, and for some reason Michael knows Ashton’s aware something is wrong, especially because Michael always says bye. Michael quickly turns around because he knows Calum is looking too, and that they’re probably going to find out now that they’ve both been playing Michael, and laugh about it together in their home, where they fall asleep and wake up together while Michael is at his apartment, eating the leftovers of Ashton’s baked goods from the day before because he didn’t take fresh ones.

***

Michael thinks about it all night, sleep restless, before he finally makes a decision based mostly on his crippling fear of embarrassment than anything else.

He cancels his coffee meeting with Calum first thing in the morning by sending him a poorly worded text with a terrible excuse, and proceeds to avoid both the coffee shop and library. It isn’t that hard for the first week because his heart is still heavy and he’s mortified that they’d both watched him leave, sad and red faced with his tail between his legs.

But by the second week he starts to crack a little, because the store bought pastries aren’t the same, don’t taste as good and don’t have the comfort behind them that Ashton’s always does. He’s run out of books to read too, and he misses the easy small talk with Calum as he tried to convince him to read yet another classic.

He’d already planned to go home and spend a week with his parents soon, but he calls into work and tells Mr Feldmann that he’s using up more of his leave and taking time off. He’s leaving earlier than initially planned but he thinks it’s a nice chance to take a good break from spending what he realised was far too much time visiting two boys.

He leaves on a Friday evening, barely taking anything because he doesn’t plan to leave the house once he’s there and he’s sure there are clothes he’s left from previous visits. He exits the apartment after double checking the windows and locks, tightens the taps and unplugs everything because he’s a worrier and loves his home more than anywhere else in the world.

Michael drives for an hour out of the city centre, feeling the smallest bit uneasy being behind the wheel again. It’s been at least a month since he last drove, but he avoids it because it’s so unnecessary living so close to everywhere he needs to go. And he’s kind of scared since he bumped that girl at the crossing the first week he bought the Nissan.

He watches as the buildings and concrete turn to grassland and lakes, loving that his home is in such a beautiful suburban area that warms him inside every time he’s back. He’s been gone for far too long.

When he arrives at the house to a neat picket fence and blooming garden, it’s nearly dark. The sun went down so quickly, he thinks as he pulls his bag out of the boot. His mother awaits with open arms on the porch steps, probably hearing his car pull into the driveway and Michael is so excited to see her smiling face. He’d rather spend his Friday night here than anywhere else.

“You should have told me you were coming early,” is all she says as she pulls her son in for a hug, squeezing him tight. “I would have stocked up the house for you.”

“It’s okay.” He mumbles, burying his face in her hair. “It’s nice to be home. And I’m sure there’s still more food than at mine.”

“Mikey,” she sighs, pulling back to look at him. She lifts his arms, as if checking their weight and Michael whines pulls his arms away.

“I was kidding mum!” He moans, but they both know he isn’t and it’s definitely a ploy to get his mother off his back. She sighs again, pulling him into the house whilst shaking her head.

“Well I obviously need to feed you then!” She exclaims, sitting him on a chair around the dining table. Michael rests his head on the table, tired but content to lay there and watch his mum prepare dinner.

Michael doesn’t leave her side the entire evening, following her around the house like a lost puppy. He catches her up on his work and life, probably tells her things he already has because not much happens but he’s been lacking human contact lately. He needs to talk it out, and he’s grateful that his mother doesn’t complain, only shoots him fond but exasperated looks at his rambles.

His dad gets home from work as dinner is served, surprised but happy to see his son.

“It’s good to have you around, mate!” His dad exclaims happily, Michael makes himself smaller to fit into the older man’s hug. He’s missed them ridiculously.

Michael latches onto him instead, because he doesn’t talk to his dad as much as he should so he speaks to him instead, and his mum chuckles in the background as she hears stories for the 3rd time.

He’s in the middle of retailing his recent artwork creations when his phone vibrates on the table again. They all look surprised every time, despite the vibrations occurring several times before. Mainly because Michael’s phone isn’t usually one to vibrate at all, let alone this often.

“Michael, aren’t you going to get that?” His mum asks again, and he glares at her weakly. He knows it’s pointless but he needs her to stop enquiring.

“No mum.” He responds, voice flat.

“Why? That person is clearly persistent? How do you kn-” She starts but Michael cuts her off.

“It’s fine! It’s nothing honestly.” But she can’t take no for an answer him mum, and lets her eye flick down to the phone that’s still lit up. Michael isn’t quick enough to lock it before she sees, and her eyebrow lifts at his suspicious reaction.

“But it’s that Calum boy you talk about.” She says, and Michael nearly rolls his eyes at her excited tone. She must see the blank look on Michael face, because her voice softens. “Did something happen?”

Michael’s voice is stone cold when he replies, fork digging into his cauliflower. “No.”

She leaves it there, but the mood is destroyed and Michael really can’t be bothered anymore to finish his informing his dad about his endeavours.

Throughout the night, Calum and Ashton send him a few more texts but by this point he’s immune to the noises, ignores them completely. His mum keeps looking at him when he stares at his vibrating phone and proceeds to look away blankly. She doesn’t say anything this time.

Eventually, he turns the sound and vibration off so he doesn’t see the rest of the sent messages until he goes to bed, where he proceeds to read them all. He finds it ironic how both Calum and Ashton are starting to text him, especially when for once he’d actually prefer them not to. Are they doing it together? Telling each other to bombard Michael? His stomach churns just thinking about it, and it makes him frustrated because he’s supposed to be enjoying time with his parents. Now they keep sending him strange looks, and he can’t deal with this situation lying in his childhood bedroom when he’s been back for no longer than 5 hours.

This is supposed to be a place of peace. Maybe he feels so uneasy knowing he’s ignoring the two men.

Ashton: Hey, there’s a little gig going on in the shop tonight, you should swing by?

Calum: So a bunch of my friends are playing a gig tonight at the coffee shop. Come by, I might go up and sing during open mic. Want you to be there when everyone leaves lol

Ashton: Pretty please come it’s been so long since I’ve force fed you baked food. Missing you loads.

Calum: I know I’ve already sent you this but I hope you’re okay

Calum: Miss you.

Even then, he doesn’t reply.

***

When he’s back at his apartment in the city he gets antsy about having his favourite coffee (the one that Ashton makes), and he’s read all the books he found at home and his comics from when he was about 15 (but he misses Calum's recommendations). He's very likely losing his mind, but he's not ready to see the two guys yet; that's a conversation he’s certainly willing to avoid.

He knows Ashton doesn’t work Thursdays and Sundays, and Calum doesn’t work Sundays either. As it’s a Saturday evening when he gets home he waits until late the next day, right before the store closes to go and pick up a coffee. Luke’s behind the counter wiping the surfaces before he locks the shop, and Michael’s so grateful to see him. He's kind of missed his face as well.

“Hey, the usual?” Luke greets when he walks up to the counter. Michael nods, biting his lip because Ashton wouldn’t even ask. “So, I haven’t seen you in a while, everything okay?”

“It’s fine.” Michael shrugs, watching Luke blend iced coffee mixture.

“It’s just,” and Luke bites at his lip ring, pulls a face like he knows he shouldn’t have opened his mouth but it’s too late. He deliberates a little while longer before handing Michael his drink around the side where the opening is. “Ashton and-” He stops, eyes a little wide. “Ashton’s been worried, is all. Keeps mentioning how ‘he hasn’t seen you in like, forever.’” Luke mimics Ashton’s voice, and it’s surprisingly accurate enough that Michael cracks a smile.

It still feels like Luke isn’t saying something, though. “Okay,” is all Michael says. Luke’s probably said more than his fair share to pass on.

“I don’t know, maybe drop in tomorrow and let him know you’re alive.” Luke mumbles, and Michael nods. He spends the rest of the afternoon wondering why the hell Ashton would care where he’s been. He’s got Calum after all.

***

Michael does drop in the next day, but he goes by the library first. When he walks through the double doors Calum’s already looking at the entrance, and it’s so strange to watch his eyes light up like Michael is the best thing that’s happened to him all day.

He coaxes Michael over, even though Michael attempts to walk another way, but his eyes are so pleading that Michael can’t say no. It’s been 15 seconds and he’s already failing to keep it cool.

“Where have you been? I’ve been worried. It’s been like, too long.” Calum says leaning over the counter, his voice almost too honest for Michael to handle. The funny thing is he believes every word Calum says; Luke confirmed Ashton been saying the same thing. Have they both missed him? Together? Have they spoken about him yet?

Michael has so many questions however he doesn’t say anything, simply stares at Calum’s hair while he piles together some books behind the counter. It looks especially soft today.

“You’ve been gone so long I have so many books for you, but I’ll only give you a few. I’ll keep track of these other one’s I chose so you can read them after? I really think you'll love them all.” Calum rambles. He keeps talking like he and Michael are insanely close, best friends that share favourite books and interests. The speed of going from nothing for weeks to the full on contact is making Michael’s head spin a little too much. It’s all a little too much.

“Um, can I give these back to you, first?” Michael mumbles, and Calum’s eyes widen like he realises he might be coming on too strong, but seeing Michael is keeping the smile on his face. Michael thinks he resembles a wild baby deer and feels fondness creep into his heart.

“Of course, sorry, let me take those.” Calum scans them all quickly and efficiently before looking up at Michael sheepishly. “Are you heading to the coffee shop? I’m just on my break and, um, I was going to see someone so, I don’t know do you want to go together?”

And Michael can’t well say no, even though he knows Calum is going to see Ashton and doesn’t really want to be there while they’re together. “Yeah, sure.”

The walk is quiet, not as awkward as Michael is expecting, but still pretty empty of their usual chat. Calum mentions little things every once in a while, and Michael’s starting to learn that Calum is incredibly observant in a discreet way. He hates that he’s picking up on these things that make his heart squeeze. But it’s only about a 10 minute walk and before he knows it, Calum’s soothing, sweet voice trails off and the little bell is dinging above their heads.

When Ashton turns around, his eyes widen but not in the same way vibrant Calum’s did. It’s more like a warning danger look. His eyes glance over to Calum’s quickly, and he’s clearly saying something with his eyes. He chances a look over at Calum who is responding in their mutual eye language, and Michael feels even more like an idiot being caught up in this.

Ashton visibly notices his discomfort, and his face softens as he pulls out a smile Michael used to think was reserved for him until he saw it being sent Calum’s way only weeks before.

“Mikey, you silly goose.” Ashton giggles, like Michael just told a joke. “I’ve been worried sick about you! Luke told me you came in yesterday. I hope you’re okay?”

“I’m all good, thanks. You didn’t need to be worried.” Michael averts his eyes, nervous all of a sudden. He can’t even begin to comprehend what’s going on, why these two men are so fussed over him. He doesn’t understand. Ashton makes his drink, and Michael is literally drooling at the thought of getting his special iced coffee from Ashton. He wonders if the whole leaving thing was worth it when he’s missed out on this.

“Well, when my favourite customer disappears I’m going to be worried.” Ashton reiterates, hands Michael his drink and a plate full of three types of cake like he knew Michael was coming. “You have a lot of food to catch up on. I’ve been on the cake wagon lately, haven’t I Cal?”

This is the first time Ashton’s addressed Calum in front of him which isn’t surprising because they’ve never been in this situation before, but Michael’s unsure of what to do with himself. They haven’t even been introduced each other. Mostly assumed that they all know who is who well enough. He doesn’t know how much they know about each other’s interactions with him, and his knowledge of their obvious co-habitation. Michael looks at Calum, who’s clearly a little uncomfortable by his open mouth and no sound.

“Yeah,” he finally says, eyes on Michael. “He makes a mean cake.”

Michael only smiles, knows it’s probably awkward looking and doesn’t reach his eyes. He tries to hand Ashton money who shakes his head, and he sighs softly. “You’re going to get in trouble, then go out business.”

“It’s okay, I’m sure I’ll manage.” Ashton says, looking at Michael’s unconvinced face before he tilts his head like he’s realising something. “I’m the manager, Michael. You sure didn’t think I was giving free drinks without permission, right?” Ashton chuckles, lets his fingers brush against Michael’s that’s still holding the cup. He’s sure his face is tinged red, but Michael only shrugs and Ashton laughs again.

It makes Michael feel small, like he doesn’t know anything because, well he doesn’t. He’s realising how much he doesn’t know about Ashton and Calum even though they speak, albeit briefly, every time they see each other. But Ashton’s sending Michael those soft eyes that make his mind mush, and for a second Michael forgets everything and let’s go of the cup, lets his fingers brush back against Ashton’s as he moves back away. Ashton smiles, bites his lip and it’s almost shy. Michael can’t believe how pretty he is.

“Michael.” Calum says, voice gentle. His hand pulls back abruptly, and Ashton sends Calum a look. Calum doesn’t take his eyes away from Michael though, and they can see the wheels turning in Calum’s head as he tries to find the right words. “Ashton’s- I- fuck,” Calum says, laughing awkwardly.

“Babe?” Ashton says, and looks a little worried. Calum’s head shoots up, and Ashton must have realised what he said when his eyes go wide and he looks back at Michael. “Fuck.”

“I’m, just gonna go now.” Michael says, sensing something’s gone a little awry. They’re letting everything slip but it’s uncomfortable and he hates it because that’s usually his role. Now all three of them are being weird and Michael is not here for this.

“No, Michael please wait.” Calum says, and his voice is so worried that Michael turns back. It’s not often, if ever that he sees Calum’s nervous. “Um, Ashton and I want you to come over for dinner tonight?”

“Me?” Michael asks, voice high.

“Yes you.” Ashton persists, and he’s pleading with those eyes and that is so unfair.

“I don’t know.”

“Please. We’ll give you loads of food and cake and whatever you want.” Calum pleads, sending Michael those same eyes and how is he ever supposed to say no? “We know it’s a little out of the blue, but we really enjoy your company.”

“I don’t know.” He repeats, because he doesn’t. He’s not helping himself if he does. Why would he purposely go to the house of people he’s crushing on who are together? Michael loves himself at least a little.

“Okay, how about we let you go, I know we’ve been a bit weird,” Ashton says with a nervous smile, “if you want to come, stay. I get off at 6 and we’ll go home and get started on dinner, Calum doesn’t finish until 7 but he’ll join us?”

“I’ll think about it.” Michael promises, but even as he’s saying it he already knows the answer is yes. He walks to his corner to get comfortable in a mismatched sofa chair, ignoring the stares that he knows are following him as he walks away. He picks one of the new books Calum gave him from his backpack and set to reading.

He reads for the entire time he waits, tries not to embarrass himself at how happy he is in response when Ashton is over the moon to find him still waiting.

“I’m glad you’re coming over.” Ashton says blushingly. Michael loves seeing him like this, like he’s trying to win Michael over. He doesn’t even need to try.

Ashton leads the way to the car which is only the next road over, and Michael whistles at the sleek black car that Ashton clicks the key to open. Ashton’s head falls back with the fullness of his laughter as he opens the driver’s seat, and Michael feels like he’s achieved wonders being the cause of such a beautiful thing.

The car ride is mostly made up of blasting music from an iPod so they don’t talk, and Michael’s surprised to find that Ashton’s got good taste. The songs shuffle from Chili Peppers to The Cab to Radiohead. He’s got his sunglasses on, and mouths the words quietly under his breath as he drives safely to a nice neighbourhood, still close to the city centre but the opposite direction to Michael’s own apartment.

The house Ashton eventually pulls into the driveway of is incredible. It’s a bit more of a family house, with a porch and a garage and flowers in the front garden, and Michael’s suddenly aware of how serious Calum and Ashton’s relationship is. Michael realises he doesn’t even know how long they’ve been together. He doesn’t know anything.

Ashton unlocks the front door but lets Michael go through first, and the younger man proceeds to stare at his surroundings. It’s such a homely, domestic house with surprisingly nice interior for a house of two men going towards their mid-twenties. It’s very fucking nice. Michael feels his heart go a little cold, wondering for a second if this will ever be him before he pulls himself together.

“Wanna go to the kitchen and get started? I’m really hungry.” Ashton asks, but takes Michael’s hand leads the way anyway.

They set to making dinner, and Ashton gives Michael the job of cutting up potatoes and carrots for their casserole because Michael threatens he’ll burn it if he’s in charge of the cooking. Ashton laughs fondly but accepts, and Michael watches the older man go up and down the room to boil more water, stir the contents of the pot on the hob, collect things from the fridge. He’s definitely king of the kitchen, and Michael finds it more than attractive that he’s so comfortable.

He has to catch his thoughts and remind his brain that Ashton is completely off limits. More than once he asks himself why he even came.

More than anything he begs any higher power to stop Ashton from brushing his body as close to Michael’s as possible every time he passes, tapping his hip as he watches Michael chop, squeezing when Michael repeatedly asks if it’s okay.

“You’re doing a perfect job babe.” Ashton’s voice lilts. Michael’s going to implode.

But Ashton only gets worse, crowds into Michael’s space a little too much, too much for someone who has a boyfriend he lives with, too much for Michael who has the stupidest, largest crush on the man. He can’t help it that eventually sinks into his touch when Ashton brackets him against the counter and hands him a green bell pepper from behind.

“Could you do this one too?” Ashton whispers, and Michael shivers, leans his head back a little to expose his neck, bites his lip when Ashton’s breath hitches.

Except there’s suddenly a voice coming from behind them. “You look cosy.”

Michael drops the knife and pepper with a small squeal, turning with wide eyes. “I, I’m sorry, I-”

Calum realises what he’s done, probably sees Michael’s guilty eyes and shakes his head. “Hey, it’s okay. I was just playing.”

The tension in the room is already too high, and Michael feels like an idiot for being such a clutz, for being so awkward. For being there at all, honestly, but he needs to fix this if they’re going to get through dinner. He turns around, picks up the knife and starts to slice the pepper like he used to watch his mum do. “How was work?”

Calum shrugs, sits at a chair around the dining table in the centre of the room. “Not too bad. Wished I was at home in bed though.”

“I bet you did.” Ashton titters, and Calum gasps and throws him a grin.

“Shut up idiot.”

Michael drops the knife again, exasperated, doesn’t even care about the noise. “Okay, why am I here?”

Ashton and Calum both look surprised by the act, and Calum’s looking at Michael’s hands rather than his face. “Because we wanted to spend time with you?” He says, like he’s not even sure himself.

“You’re boyfriends! Together! Which you just assumed I knew! You haven’t explained anything and I feel like you keep making these jokes thinking I won’t realise.” Michael speaks, feeling like his heart is coming apart and everything is leaving up through his mouth.

“Mi-” Calum tries, but he’s on a roll now.

“And you live in this beautiful house! Together! Why the hell would you want to spend time with me?” Michael voices, slightly hysterical.

“Give yourself a little more credit, come on.” Ashton argues, stepping closer to where Michael’s standing and reaching out a hand. When Michael doesn’t move he laces their fingers together. “But it’s true, we should have gone about this better. We’re sorry.”

“You’re beautiful, Mikey. And funny, and intelligent, and so fucking kind. You’re so sweet, and we want you in our home, okay? This wasn’t some pity invite, so stop it.” Calum says, throat tight like he’s so offended Michael would ever say such a thing.

“I’m sorry, I just. People don’t give me this much attention. Let alone both of you. It’s weird.”

“It is weird.” Ashton repeats, but Michael feels like he’s hinting at something else.

“I just, wish you’d told me as soon as you both knew who I was? Like I know I don’t necessarily deserve to know but I don’t really know where I stand.” Michael feels like such a child, pouring his heart out like this. He hates it, and for a second he thinks he might ask to go home.

“You do deserve to know. We’re sorry, we honestly didn’t realise until you walked out the shop and we didn’t see you again that we both knew you. We’re idiots.” Ashton says.

“We are. Honestly Mikey, we’re sorry.” Calum finishes, Michael nods, not really knowing what to say anymore. “Hey, let me help you chop,” the younger man says, sidling up to Michael and pressing against his side. Michael looks up to find Ashton’s eyes but he only looks happy to watch them both, and Michael feels like he’s missing something huge.

***

Funnily enough, things only get worse. Michael can’t help but roll his eyes when after dinner they agree to watch Anchorman. But it’s not what makes him so fucking exasperated, it’s the fact that Calum and Ashton couldn’t be sitting further apart on the (most amazingly comfortable) couch while the title scene starts. There’s popcorn and chips on the coffee table even though they’ve just eaten, and Michael rolls his eyes again when he sees their hands creep closer and entwine between them. It’s so stupid that Michael could scream. He hates that he’s noticing in the first place, which means he cares. It’s all so stupid.

His mouth moves before he can stop it. “I think I should go home.”

There’s a shift in the air and a pause as Ashton stops the film. “Mikey no,” Calum pouts, like Michael’s offered the worst thing he’s ever heard.

Michael shrugs. “I’m sure there are things you’d both rather be doing. I feel like we’re all super uncomfortable.”

“Please don’t leave yet.” Ashton begs and Calum’s hand grabs Michael’s own, squeezing pleadingly.

“Are you sure? I feel like now you’re trying to be aware of your actions for me. You’re together you don’t have to behave like you aren’t because I’m here. I won’t get sad seeing you together.” Michael knows that’s a lie, but. “Maybe I should go.”

“But we want you here.” Calum explains.

“But I’m making you be weird in your own house.”

“That’s not the problem!” And Michael doesn’t think he’s ever heard Calum sound so broken, so confused and loud. He’s always been so gentle and soft and Michael feels like a bomb is about to drop. “We like you Mikey.” Calum says after a few beats, body sagging.

“I like you guys too.” Michael says precariously, unsure of what’s happening.

“No, like, we like you? Like… we both, like you. I’m not getting anywhere with this Ashton.” Calum sighs, sinking his body further back into the couch. This gives Michael a better view of Ashton who is clearly trying to find the right words, wringing his hands together.

“Listen, Michael. We don’t know what’s going on.” He starts, shaking his head. “I remember we would both come home and talk about how cute we thought this guy who kept coming into our respective works were. Until the time in Artisse and we realised we’ve been talking about the same person and it never fucking occurred to us? How oblivious could we be? Like what were the chances! Even when Calum told me you were an illustrator it didn’t add up.” Ashton’s voice is frantic by the end, and Calum rubs his thigh to calm him down. Michael’s breathing is uneven as he listens, begged his heart to slow and not get his hopes up. He can’t know what they’re going to say.

“We’re so stupid because of course you were the same person! And I don’t know much, but I know we like you Mikey. A lot. We don’t get it, and we’ve both been terrified every time we talk about it. We’re scared about having these feelings for you while having these feelings for each other for so long, but you’ve made a mark on us and our relationship and we don’t want to not give it a go because it’s unconventional.”

Michael’s sure he’s on the verge of hyperventilation, but he tries to keep his breathing even, counts to ten in his head. “I don’t really, I don’t really know what to say.”

“No, neither do we. But we need to know where your head is. Is this too weird for you because we can let it drop before we go any further.” Ashton questions, and his voice breaks in the middle. Michael watches as Calum squeezes his thigh.

“Like… you want to try… both of you, and me?” Michael asks, because he must not be comprehending what’s going on here. “Is this a sex thing?”

“No! Fuck, no it isn’t. We want to try… all three of us together? This isn’t us inviting you to join our pre-existing relationship, it’s more like being together to start a new chapter. I remember listening to Ashton, giving you his baking and he talked about you how he talked about me. I was so fucking jealous. I didn’t even know it was you. I’ve heard him talk about you, and he’s heard me talk about you. And when we found out who it was we weren’t even jealous anymore because it made sense. Those few weeks you disappeared we couldn’t believe how much we missed you. We were so sad when you wouldn’t reply to our texts.” Calum states, surprisingly calm. It’s like everything makes sense to him. Michael’s so far off he feels like he’s floating. Or going to be sick.

“This isn’t some weird, kinky shit. We genuinely want you to like… come over for dinner and stuff. Come out on our dates. We want to learn about you. See where this goes.” Ashton says, reaching over to touch Michael’s arm. He breathes deep and leans into the touch, grounding himself.

“I, what the fuck.” Michael croaks, and both boys visibly flinch. Michael groans inside his head at his lack of filter, remembering why he stays away from relationships. He’s already going to fuck it up and it hasn’t even happened yet.

“This is bit hard hitting for a dinner invite, I’m sorry.” Ashton laughs awkwardly.

“It’s a lot.” Michael says honestly. “I just, when I realised you both were… together, I had it in my head I didn’t have a chance. Because I liked you both, and you were both so nice to me like no one else was. I thought maybe one of you would give me a chance but then I had no hope. It’s a bit weird now that you both want to give me a chance. A lot to take in.”

“Think about it. We don’t want an answer now, that’d be unfair. We want you to remember we honestly care about you, and want to include you in our lives. Make you feel as at home with us as we do with each other.” Michael nods, not having words to say. No one’s ever wanted to make him feel at home, except his parents and that’s so different. He’s completely lost for words.

“Please at least finish the film.” Calum requests, and Michael nods again.

“Yeah, yeah okay.”

They don’t mention it again for the rest of the night.

***

Michael goes home on the bus despite pleading offers from Ashton to drive him home, promising he’ll be okay and that he needs time to think. His thoughts are racing aimlessly as he tries to deliberate on the fact that they’ve proposed such an idea to him. It’s a huge deal. But at the same time it feels like he’s thinking about nothing. He’s almost a little numb, and it’s scary because his heart is pounding in his ears too. His body is so out of sync and he works on autopilot when he climbs off the transport to walk to his place.

The two men offering themselves to him is the last thing he’d ever have thought would happen, and in a sense he’s being given everything he could possibly want that it’s surprisingly too much. How could something like this ever possibly work, he thinks, especially with two men who have already built a life together? What will they tell people? How is anyone ever going to understand?

By the time he gets back to his apartment he’s so mentally exhausted he rips off his clothes and climbs into bed. He doesn’t dream at all.

He avoids the shop and library for a week, which he knows is wrong and unfair. But it’ll be too much seeing them both and he’s positive it’ll fuck with his decision. Because this is huge. Polyamory was never, ever something he thought he’d get involved in. It’s not that he’s against it, he just never thought about it in regards to himself. He didn’t think it actually happened, and he thinks that’s a part of the problem with making up his mind. It doesn’t fair as realistic to him. He can’t imagine it.

So he reads his books and goes to work, because he’s been neglecting his new brief that Mr Feldmann sent him, and this is the first time Michael’s found his mind occupied by other things when he’s had work to do. He doesn’t have a clue what’s going on anymore.

He tries to keep his head clear and hope that a decision will just plant itself in his brain. It doesn’t.

It’s a Sunday when he finally goes into the coffee shop, mainly because he knows Ashton won’t be there. Luke sends a smile his way when their eyes meet before making his drink. He doesn’t say anything while he blends, just hands it over afterwards as Michael swaps it for cash.

“I know what happened, Ashton told me.” Luke says before Michael can leave, and Michael blushes. “They’re kind of in bits, you know. Feel like they’ve fucked up.”

“They haven’t.” Michael says immediately, because it’s true. There aren’t any hard feelings, only confused ones.

“Well, you haven’t been here or the library since Monday, and they haven’t heard a word from you.” Luke bites. Michael knows how important a decision this is for himself, but he forgot how important and how brave they must have been for them both to suggest such a thing to him even when they might not have been ready. Like they said, they’re scared too.

Michael sighs, biting nervously at his lip because he doesn’t know if he’s ready, but he hates knowing that his waiting game might be haunting them too.

“I’m just letting you know. I’m not trying to like, rush you into anything. I can imagine how intimidating the whole thing is. But I’ve been friends with them both for so long now. They’re always so good to me, the best people I know. I’m just reminding you they’d never have held their hands open for you if they didn’t genuinely talk it through and mean it. It’s their relationship on the line too. They’ve been together for a long fucking time and inviting you in is... you need to think about them too. It’s kind of tearing them apart.” Luke spiels quietly, but someone else has come up to the counter. “Just something to think about. And if you need to talk.” He nods down at the cup but Michael’s already deep in his head and thoughts so he nods.

Everything Luke said was right, and he needs to sit down and make his decision today.

Michael leaves the shop straight after. He drinks his drink too quickly even though it gives him brain freeze, but it’s the first time he’s genuinely felt anything in days. As he’s about to throw it in the trash he notices black writing where his hand has been. It’s a phone number; he puts it down in his phone and saves it as Luke before heading to work. Being in his house has been way too poignant in reminding him of his decision and in return his art has become way too dark. Maybe a chat with Mr Feldman and a change of scene will make him feel a little less anxious.

***

It doesn’t make him feel any better, and Mr Feldmann sends him home when Michael keeps drifting away while they’re talking. Michael blames it on a lack of sleep which he buys. Michael isn’t exactly lying, but he needs to talk to someone, now. He can’t sit still and he can’t think straight.

Michael: I don’t know what to do

Luke: Michael?

Michael: What am I supposed to do?

Luke: If this is Michael!!! Only you can make that decision

Michael: You can make it for me

Michael: I give you permission

Luke: How do you feel about them? If you have feelings for them that’s enough for now. Everything else will fall into place

Luke: Take a chance on them. They’re kind of in love with you. You don’t have to doubt that

It’s enough, Michael thinks. Luke is right. So instead of replying to Luke, Michael sends Calum a text message with his address, tells him that he and Ashton should come over together if they can.

Calum replies almost instantly, promising to be there for half 7 and that they’ll bring take out for dinner.

Michael: Can we have pizza please?

Calum: ;)

It’s such a ridiculous response that warms Michael all the way inside, and it’s all the confirmation he needs that he can do this.

***

When the two men drop by at 7:30 sharp, Michael opens the door in a soft blue denim shirt and the cleanest black jeans he could find, and they share shy smiles when Michael lets them in.

“Whoa, Michael. This place is amazing.” Calum compliments, tone full of genuine awe. Michael’s proud of his home, loves that his apartment is all clean lines and open plan (which means more room for mess but he tidied up before they came), attractive with floor to ceiling windows on the 6th floor.

“It helps keep my mind from being too full when I’m drawing, form ideas and stuff.” He says, shrugging as his arms tighten around himself. They both give him this look like he made the moon and Michael blushes ridiculously, telling them to sit down, and they all squeeze together on the couch in front of the TV where Michael puts on a movie that’s playing on the cable just for background noise. Michael sits on the end next to Ashton.

“Pizza?” Ashton offers, nudging Michael with his elbow. Michael bows his head as he nods, smiling when his eyes meet Ashton’s. His heart is going at a million miles per hour.

They mainly catch up on their week because Michael’s avoided them both. They don’t talk about it in that sense though, just ask questions about the last few days and laugh together as Calum retails a couple getting caught in the library bathroom. Michael stuffs his face with pizza. None of them address the elephant in the room.

When they’re done, Michael clears up their plates and puts them in the sink to soak until later, because if he doesn’t do this now he never will.

He stands beside the sofa they’re still sitting on, both of them on their phones but touching the entire way down their sides, and Michael doesn’t know how he’s ever going to fit into their relationship.

And because he feels insane, probably is insane too, and everything that’s happening is insane, of course he says this out loud.

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Calum asks, eyes wide and deep with concern.

Michael ignores the question, steps closer. “Can I sit, like, between you? God I soun-”

“Come here.” Ashton interrupts, shuffles to the side where Michael was sitting before and takes Michael’s hand to bring him closer. He guides him to sit between them, and as soon as he’s down Calum’s hand sits on his knee. Ashton doesn’t let go of his hand, only interlinks their fingers.

“Talk to us. Please.” Calum tries again, voice weak.

“I want,” Michael starts, clearing his throat. There’s a long pause before he puts the right words together in his head. “I want to try. But I invited you here mainly because I still feel kind of scared. I want us to talk first and take it slow? I’m not saying it has to be on my terms but I hope you’ll be okay with that.”

“Of course Mikey, you have to feel comfortable. That’s all we can ask from you.” Ashton promises, squeezing their interlaced fingers.

“You really want to try?” Calum asks, voice hopeful. Michael nods, looking up at Calum from under his eyelashes. “I’m so happy babe. I wish I could explain to you how happy it makes us you’ve said yes.”

Michael squirms at the pet name, feeling more at ease than he has in months. “I’m happy too. I haven’t been in a relationship for a long time, so please bear with me. I don’t really know how to do this anymore.”

“Calum and I have been together for over 4 years and we still don’t know what’s going on. Just be yourself. That’s all we want, okay? We love you as you are.” Ashton’s words go straight to Michael’s heart, and the thought of them both falling in love with him makes his heart full. He knows he’s definitely falling for them already. That’s a given.

Calum practically drapes himself across Michael’s side, nuzzling his face into Michael’s neck. “Cal,” Ashton warns, but it’s fond and Michael can see in his eyes how happy this makes him.

“It’s okay. You can touch me and stuff.” Michael says, and Ashton snorts. “Not like- oh god.”

“I know.” He teases, wrapping an arm around Michael’s waist. Michael settles into the grip, bringing Calum with him who still has his face pressed against his neck.

“I just mean I’m comfortable with you. We’ve known each other for a while anyway.” Michael says, red tinging soft cheeks.

“It’s been way over half a year, easily.” Calum mumbles, and they nod in reply. He remembers the early days, how he started greeting Calum in the library shortly before he started noticing Ashton’s fondness for him, refusing to let him pay, and how it all spiralled from there. It’s been months of growing attention, and still wanting more. He doesn’t know how he ever thought he could turn this down.

“I’m glad we can touch you.” Ashton says, but there’s a glint in his eyes that makes Michael blush again. It makes him think of what it could be like for Ashton to touch him, knowing that Ashton would look after him well. He bites his lip and looks away because the older man can clearly tell what he’s thinking, so Michael sets to kissing the top of Calum’s head instead who hums happily. He can do that now. Calum is his. Ashton is his. He can’t believe it.

They eventually leave around half 9 after finishing the movie on TV, and Michael wants to beg them to stay but he knows he needs to take it slow. Too much too fast could do damage on what Michael knows will be a beautiful thing, and so when they offer to leave he doesn’t object.

“Thank you for coming. And feeding me. Again.” He laughs softly, he can’t believe how comfortable he is already with them. They make him feel so at ease.

“It’s okay, I can’t wait to feed you both. I have some new recipe-” Ashton starts, and Calum cuts him off with an elbow in the ribs. When he pouts in response, Calum kisses his cheek with a grin.

“Don’t scare him off.” Calum says and Michael waves him off.

“You won’t scare me off. Definitely too late.” Calum’s face is fond, and his hand comes up to caress his cheek. Michael leans into it instinctively.

“I hope you’ll drop by tomorrow? Maybe we can walk over to the shop and all have lunch together?”

“Yeah, I’d love that.” The two men both nod, and Ashton grabs his hand as they’re leaving through the door and kisses his knuckles. Michael bites his lip, screaming inside because he wants to kiss him properly, kiss Calum too but that would defeat the slow part.

He thinks words shouldn’t hurt too much, and as they walk down the hall to the stairway he calls out.

“Miss you already.” His voice trails off when he realises what he’s said, but both their faces light up in a way Michael doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of. Calum blows him a kiss as he steps down, and Michael closes the door with a click.

***

Michael realises the whole ‘slow’ thing is bullshit, especially when he sees how fucking good they look the next day. Calum’s jeans are especially tight and Ashton’s glowing even more than usual, practically has a halo above his head.

When Ashton invites them both into the storeroom to grab some of the Mexican food that he’d picked up for them earlier, he clenches his knuckles tightly, nails digging into his palm and whispers ‘fuck it’. He kisses them both, Ashton first and then Calum, who’s a little less surprised watching it unfold and actually kisses back. It’s sweet and chaste, and Calum’s mouth is even softer than Michael had first imagined.

“Oh.” Ashton says, before laughing and pulling Michael in again to do it properly. Ashton tastes sweet, citrusy like one of the smoothies he knows Calum probably made for him this morning. Calum doesn’t give him a chance to breathe before pulling him in again, and Michael lets his hand cradle Calum’s face, thumb rubbing against the little stubble on the younger’s chin.

The kisses are gentle, innocent still and Michael’s grateful that they’re so in tune with what he needs already. It’s so early on but he already feels so loved, and Ashton kisses his jaw when he hands Michael a brown paper bag.

It takes too long for them to realise Luke had followed them in, and they laugh when Luke blushes and sends them a thumbs up as they emerge to sit at his table in the back. Ashton ruffles Luke’s hair, and he mumbles irritated but send Michael a wink when the other two men lead the way.

The sunlight shines in just enough to reflect against Calum’s warm brown skin and Ashton’s honey eyes. He can’t help but beam down at his own food as he watches them bicker about nothing particular, and giggles when they both playfully kick his shin when they catch him smiling.

***

It’s a Sunday, and none of the boys work; Michael’s made a habit to go over once he’s woken up so they can spend the day together. It’s been three weeks and he still isn’t over that this is his life, that two beautiful boys are his and kiss him and love him and keep feeding him. He’s started contributing to groceries because he spends almost every night having dinner with them, but.

Tonight is the first night he’s staying over. None of them have work until late morning, so Michael figured this was the next step in their relationship. He knew that the ball was in his park, but the enthusiasm that both boys responded with when he’d asked made his chest flutter. He’s so lucky. He can’t believe how quickly their lives have intertwined. How easily.

On Thursday’s if he’s not too busy with his illustrations and briefs he’ll spend the afternoon with Ashton, cuddling and baking and sharing sweet kisses. Michael will fall asleep on the sofa while Ashton handles business with the shop like ordering more stock, and when he wakes up Calum will be home, curled at the end of the sofa with Michael’s feet in his lap, hand caressing his thigh. If he doesn’t wake up, Calum will redirect his rubs to his back, or his stomach if he can reach, and then lie on top of him and kiss his face until he giggles awake. Sometimes Michael pretends to be asleep because it’s the nicest way to wake up, but Calum definitely knows that and indulges him anyway. He loves them both so much.

He likes the routines they’ve built for themselves, and he thinks about this as they get ready for bed, thinks of the new ones they might start tonight.

They’re all in the ensuite bathroom, Michael sat on the closed toilet seat after getting changed and brushing his teeth. He’s in a cut up Metallica shirt and his boxers, trying to think of anything else apart from the bed they’re soon going to get into. Ashton and Calum are in front of the mirror, Calum threatening wordlessly to spit toothpaste in Ashton’s face. He nearly bursts into laughter when Ashton’s eyes narrow in response, spits out his toothpaste and rinses his mouth.

Calum grabs Michael’s hand and leads him back into the room, dragging him into bed.

“Wanna be in the middle?” Calum asks, tone serious as he pulls back the duvet. Michael can’t remember the last time he made his bed. He nods, biting his lip nervously, and Calum pouts fondly as he pulls Michael’s bottom lip away from the attack of his teeth. He’s started doing that lately, like Calum hates seeing Michael worried. Michael pulls at the hem of his shirt instead, climbing in properly next to Calum.

“We spoil you.” Ashton teases, climbing in on the end and sliding right up against Michael. He tenses a little, and Ashton pulls back to look at Michael’s reddening ears and cheeks. “Hey, I didn’t mean any harm. I love that we look after you.”

Michael knows this, it’s just his mind sometimes goes into overdrive. As much as he loves this it’s still not completely making sense to him, like at any moment it could slip away. “I just, it makes me feel less left out.”

“You shouldn’t ever feel left out, okay. We love taking care of you. We love that you’re here, you’ve made our relationship better. Don’t think otherwise, ever.” Ashton promises sweetly, sqUeezing Michael’s hip. Michael shuffles closer to Ashton who’s looking at him from his head resting on his elbow. Calum crowds closer too, cuddling into Michael’s side and pressing his nose against his neck. Calum loves being pressed against the two boys, Michael’s noticed, and he loves being on the receiving end.

“I’m sorry. You know I love doting on you. Both of you are my little honeypots.”

“Shut up.” Michael whines, even though being the object of their affections is his favourite thing in the entire world.

“We wanna look after you, yeah?” Ashton whispers and Michael nods, moans softly at Calum’s lips on his neck.

“Promise?” Michael asks, voice weak.

“We promise. Goodnight.” Ashton says, turning out the light of the bedside lamp. Ashton squeezes close, allows Michael’s back to press against his front and wraps his arms around his small waist. Michael wiggles to get comfortable, presses his forehead to Calum’s then his lips in goodnight, and closes his eyes as Calum drapes an arm around them both.

He’s never been more grateful for anything in his whole life than being warm between the two people he cares about most.