Work Text:
“Hyung,” Jeno muttered, taking a deep breath. He didn't have much energy left in his body. It took him much effort to even say something, but it was worth it.
He felt like if he dozed off in Mark's arms, he would never open his eyes again. And it was okay. He had no regrets other than being unable to live to see his boyfriend grow old. But even if he left in this instant, he would die happy. Even if it wasn't what he had initially thought, he did live the rest of his life with Mark. Maybe it was cut short. Maybe they never got married, or adopted children, or grew old together, but at least, Jeno's last moments were with him. It was all he could wish for now.
“What's wrong, Jen?” Mark asked. Jeno's warm and weak body was resting over him. They were cuddling together in their bed where they had spent the last weeks due to Jeno's sickness. He knew what was about to come, but if he didn't acknowledge it, it wouldn't happen. That’s what he told himself. He looked at Jeno's tired eyes, which were looking back at him with barely a hint of life in them.
“Will you see me in the sky tonight?” Jeno said. His voice was rough, Mark could notice he struggled to be heard, even if he didn't need to, because his mouth was almost right next to his.
He didn't want to imagine the possibility of a world without Jeno. The thought of him not being there when he woke up, not being able to see his precious smile, his bright eyes, or to hear his cute laugh and melodic voice… He thought he would die too.
“Not tonight, Jen. Please, hold on a little more… I am not ready to say goodbye,” he said with a cracking voice. He could feel Jeno softly shifting to look at Mark directly in the eyes. He knew it was selfish. He knew he had been suffering for months. But… who could blame him when all he wanted was to be with the love of his life even if it was for one more day?
“Hyung,” he started softly. A small tear left his eye and traveled down his now prominent cheekbones. Mark hated himself for it. “We both know I can’t do it anymore.”
“Don’t say that. Please.”
“But I can’t give you fake hopes, Markie. I can't. Just-" a weak sob interrupted him. “Promise me you will be there tonight. Watching me be free and painless. Full of life again.”
He didn't want to admit it. He didn’t want to make it real. He wanted him to stay forever. To hug him forever. To have a life together. They had been together for seven years, but somehow, it wasn't enough. No amount of time would ever be enough.
He didn't want Jeno to be a chapter of his life, just a side character who would appear for some time before vanishing completely. He wanted him to be the most important part of the story of his life. He wanted him to be a part of every single page of it, just like he was to him. He didn't want anyone else to become the most important chapter, or one of the main characters. He wanted Jeno to be with him forever.
But unfortunately, love isn’t enough to keep someone alive. Especially when nature is rooting against it, making him destroy himself from within without any remote possibility of survival.
Because nature could be beautiful, but it could also be cruel.
The love of his life would leave this world, and Mark couldn't do anything to stop him.
But the least he could do, was to be a part of the ending of the story of Jeno's life. To be the one to say goodbye when he inevitably closed his eyes to never return. To be the one who hugged him and whispered sweet words of love as his consciousness faded away. To be his first and last love in his short but meaningful life.
He couldn't keep being selfish. They both knew time was a privilege. He wanted to make Jeno's last moments as meaningful and cozy as he could. And even if Mark didn't want to acknowledge it, even if he wanted to keep pushing that moment further and further away, he realized it was happening.
Jeno's body finally consumed itself.
Cancer had won.
Tears were threatening to fall from his eyes, and he tried hard to hide them from him. To be strong, to be what his boyfriend needed in this moment of weakness.
And when he felt Jeno's dry lips against his cheek, he realized it was the end.
“I will. I will be there, always. I will see you shine every night, Jen,” he muttered. He looked at his boyfriend, and realized how lifeless he looked. How this stupid sickness took the brightness out of his loved one. It sucked his energy from within, his cheerfulness, his playfulness, everything. He was watching an almost empty shell of what he used to be.
He watched him slowly fade during the last months of his life. The past Jeno loved to dance when he was bored, to go to the gym every day, to take morning walks around the city as the sun went up, to sing and shout with Mark at karaoke rooms, to cook and bake delicious food for both since his boyfriend almost burned the house, to play with children at the park, to volunteer at pet shelters on weekends.
His sickness stopped him from doing everything.
It was slight at first: spontaneous headaches, feeling tired all the time, sudden weight loss, continuous fevers, things that could pass as normal sickness.
And then, he could barely walk to the nearby store before feeling tired, he ate twice or even once a day, the fevers weren't going down, and he lost ten kilograms in a couple of weeks. And because of Mark's stubbornness, he got checked at a hospital.
Thats when they learnt what a lymphoma was.
Three months later, Jeno defeated cancer for the first time. Only for it to come back months later, and this time, it was too much. The survival rate was low, chemotherapy was expensive and very painful, and his life had turned into constant travels from home to the hospital. Back and forth, back and forth.
He decided to let it be.
No more radiation, no more medicine, no more hospital check-ups, nausea, vomiting, headaches, body aches, pain. Just let himself go naturally.
Mark fought him at first. Without the treatment, his life would last only three more months. That's when Jeno told him he preferred to live a short time with him, to be at home, resting, cuddling, and even if he inevitably felt sick; happy, than to live for a few more months with painful treatments that made his daily life insufferable.
“Hyung,” he heard Jeno call again. “I want to be a star.”
“Really? Why is that?” he said as he hugged his thin body softly. His boyfriend hummed cutely at this, falling back into his arms and resting his head on Mark's chest.
“Because…” he breathed in and out tiredly. “When a star is born, it has millions of years ahead. It will shine throughout all its life. Sometimes brighter than others, but bright nonetheless.” He took another deep breath and continued. “When I die, I want to become a star so I can be with you the rest of your life, and when your time comes too, to have you shining by my side without being afraid of leaving you again.”
It became harder for Mark to keep the tears from falling.
“I will make sure to look at you, shining bright in the night sky. You'll be the brightest star ever. I will be waiting to join you again.”
“Promise me you'll let it get to you. That you will live your life even if I’m not right by your side,” he muttered. “That you won’t take it away earlier than what destiny has planned for you.” Mark felt tears wetting his shirt.
“I won't, I promise. I will live as long as nature wants me to live. And even then, I will be thinking of you until my last breath. I will make our dreams come true, Jen. I will adopt a cute little puppy, and I will name it Snowball, just as you want. I will get a raise and save so we can move to a cozy house in the mountains, where Snowball can run freely. Where I will see all the stars in the sky without worrying about there being too much light. Where I will play guitar to the mountains and the sky, in hopes that you can hear. Where I will grow old, enough to find you again and I'll take your hand so you can take me to the sky with you."
He could hear Jeno sobbing, weakly clenching his fists around Mark's shirt, as if he was clenching to life itself.
“Mark,” he sobbed. “I'm- I can't hold on. I’m sorry.
“Go, baby. Don't apologize. I'll be waiting for you, okay? Everything will be alright now,” he muttered. He was barely able to talk without his voice cracking in pain. “Will you always be there for me?”
Jeno used his remaining strength to get himself closer to Mark's face and kissed him. It was slow, loving, a last act of love before parting ways forever. Thousands of words were exchanged in a single action. Promises, wishes, desires, and love.
“Always,” Jeno muttered against his lips. “I love you,” he said, returning to rest on his boyfriend's chest.
“I love you too,” he replied.
And like that, the story of Jeno's life, came to an end.
When Jeno's heart stopped beating, Mark's world stopped spinning.
He felt his heart stop against his chest. His arms didn't feel the slight rise of his body every time he breathed. He moved Jeno next to him and lifted himself to look at him from above. His eyes were closed. A stream of tears stained his pale skin. It was as if time froze Jeno in his place. Like a trace of life was still there. As if he was just asleep. As if Mark shook him slightly, he would open his eyes and look at him with the most loving eyes on Earth.
Then, he saw a tear falling through his cheeks, and hope rose within Mark's chest.
“Jen? Are you there? Please, open your eyes, don’t cry,” he muttered desperately.
Tears were appearing on his face, but it took seconds for Mark to realize they were his own tears slipping down his face to fall on Jeno's pale skin.
“Jen,” Mark muttered. He caressed his short hair slowly, as if he tried to wake him up softly. “Jen, please, wake up. Don’t leave yet,” he cried.
He put his hand on his shoulder and shook him a tad less slightly. Tears started to flow without control. His sobs weren't subtle anymore. He was crying. Bawling. Shouting. Suffering.
“Jeno, please honey. We'll watch your favorite Ghibli movie. Or do you want to look at funny dog videos? I can play your favorite song too, if you just want to rest. But please, just say something.”
His body was still warm. In his lips, still lingered the taste of his lover. His shirt still had the moist spot where his tears had fallen. Yet, he wasn't here anymore. He would never open his eyes anymore. He would never say ‘I love you' anymore.
Mark was selfish.
He shook Jeno desperately. A part of him was still hoping he was just asleep, as a part of him was telling him to stop. But he didn't listen. He got up and walked towards the bookshelf in their room. There, a big record player rested peacefully. Mark searched through the shelves for a certain album he knew Jeno loved. He took the vinyl out of its sheath and placed it in the gramophone with shaking hands. He played side 2 since it was his boyfriend's favorite.
‘Let It Be' by The Beatles started playing.
The piano intro was playing as he stumbled back to their bed and hugged Jeno tightly. He hid his head in his neck. When Mark didn't feel his warm breath against the skin of his neck, he sobbed harder.
“Baby, come on, I know you love this song,” he tried to say, but his heavy crying made it impossible. He let out a loud, painful, and desperate scream. He rocked back and forth with the body of his boyfriend in his arms. Whether it was to comfort him or to comfort himself, he didn't know. He could feel the characteristic harmonies in the song playing in the background. Let it be.
Let it be.
The song went on, and the warmth in Jeno's body faded. Mark's crying wasn't stopping, and he was sure it wouldn't soon. He would cry to the loss of the love of his life for the rest of his existence. But he had to let it be.
Jeno wasn't here anymore. He had died.
He had left, and he would never return.
The rest of the album played in the background as Mark still mourned his death. And if he felt a slight caress on his cheek as the last song faded, he would never tell anyone.
But he was right. He would be there for him. Always.
“I love you,” he muttered in his ear.
He let him go.
~~~
That night, Mark couldn't see the stars. He was busy at the hospital, waiting for Jeno’s autopsy, and to tell his parents their loving son had lost his battle against cancer.
It was hard. He knew not only he loved Jeno, but his parents, his friends, and anyone that had met him did too.
It was a long night.
The next night, Mark fell asleep before the sunset, having been up all night calling people, comforting his couple's parents, arranging his corpse's cremation, and his funeral.
He was too tired.
The third night, he refused to look at the sky. He was too weak, he didn't want Jeno to see him like that. He had woken up crying from a beautiful dream, he cried in desperation when he tried to cook an omelet the way Jeno always did, he cried in pain when he opened his closet just to see his boyfriend's clothes still hanging and smelling of him, he cried himself to sleep thinking of him.
The fourth night, his funeral was held.
Jeno had stated he wanted the funeral to be held under the light of the moon and the stars. The sky was clear that night.
Mark kept a little urn with his ashes, his parents got another one, and the rest were buried. Everyone cried when the last grams of earth were poured into place. It was real. There was nothing of Jeno left other than his ashes. No more new memories, no more laughter, no more happiness. Everything he had brought into Mark's life, he took it away with him.
He was empty.
He hugged the urn as he sat next to his tombstone. He finally gathered enough braveness to look at the sky.
And there he was.
Shining beautifully, as always. Mark recognized him immediately. He was the brightest star, the center of the sky, the star to which every other star seemed to orbit around. The North Star.
“I finally came, Jen. I’m sorry it took me a few days. I know I promised I would see you that night, but I wasn't strong enough. I’m so sorry. I am always selfish, isn’t that it?” he chuckled sadly. “But I’m here now. I hope you can eventually forgive me. I’m sorry I abandoned you.”
And even if he couldn't hear a response, he knew he was there.
“Would you be mad if I threw your ashes into the mountain I promised we would live in? It might take some years, but I know it'll be possible. Just wait. I want you to be free, but it has to be somewhere you can truly enjoy it.”
“You know, I was afraid of regretting having met you. I was afraid of feeling too broken that I wished I had never met you. I thought too low of myself. I would never, even at my worst, regret anything about you. You're the best that ever happened to me, Jeno. I hope you left knowing that. I hope you left with me having been the best that happened to you too. And even if I wasn't, that's okay. Just knowing you loved me is enough.”
He started crying again. Uncontrollable sobs left his mouth, and he hugged the urn like his life depended on it. Maybe it did.
“I love you so much,” he mumbled. “I don't think I’ll ever be able to let you go, you know? I can't see myself loving someone else. And that's okay, I don’t need someone else to be happy. Just one look into the night sky will remind me I’ll never be alone, because I have you.”
“I love you. And I’ll always love you until the last day of my life,” he said as he laid on the grass next to Jeno's tombstone and closed his eyes slowly. He eventually fell asleep in the solitude of the cemetery, under the cloak of stars in the sky.
Somewhere out there, Jeno muttered back.
“I love you too. Always.”