Work Text:
When I See You
Sometimes, when I see you, I feel like I’m walking through a dream. The world softens around the edges, and all I can see you. The way you smile, bright and effortless, like the first rays of sunlight, it blurs everything else in our surroundings like a storm.
Your smile, is curious as it can be. Sometimes, it reaches your eyes, making them crinkle sweetly as your laugh fills my ears. Yet sometimes, it doesn’t reach your heart, a little facade, a shield that you wear for the world.
It breaks me a little inside, it makes my heart throb anxiously. Was that mask bared because of something I did? Maybe you just didn't trust me enough, having to hide behind that porcelain shield even when it's just me.
It hurts, it aches, it squeezes my chest with a pain that makes it hard to breathe. The more I know you, the more I see, the hairline cracks that break your shield. The way your eyes hollow, the way your smile tenses just ever so slightly, the way you laugh a tad bit too loud. Each crack makes my heart throb, ribs ache. Every time I see the cracks, the fear I feel gnaws at me. I don't know how to fix them. I don't know how to comfort you. I don't know how to allow you to let me in.
And yet through the fear, through the masks, I’m drawn to you, helplessly, almost like a magnet, I can't push away. I want to know you, I want to see you. I want to do all that despite knowing the closer I get, the more it will hurt if I’m ever pushed away.
When I see you laugh, I feel the tightness in my chest loosen, as if the weight of the world is lifted, even just for a moment. Your laughter is contagious, and I find myself smiling without realizing it.
But, sometimes that smile fades quickly when I remember the truth - that this joy, too, could be a mask, forced out to deceive me. I wish I could peel away the layers and see the real you, I wish I could make you feel comfortable with me, I wish you could trust me with your heart.
And yet-
I’m terrified of what I might find. What if your true happiness is something I’ll never be able to give you? What if the only thing I can do is watch as you keep pretending? What if you'll never trust me as much as I trust you?
•
Sometimes, when I see you, you're lost in thought. I feel a pang of worry, it cuts deeper than it should, yet I cannot stop myself from picking your expressions apart. If you knew I could see through your shield, would you distance yourself from me?
The cracks appear in the way your brow furrows slightly, the way your eyes grow distant, the way you seem to be somewhere far away, somewhere I can’t follow. In those moments, I want to reach out, to pull you back, but I’m paralyzed by fear.
Fear that I might overstep your boundaries, fear that you might pull away, fear that you won't want to be pulled back, at least, not by me. What if I’m just another person in the crowd to you, easily forgotten when we graduate? Another one of those "friends" who grows apart with distance?
I wish you’d trust me enough to let me in, but I’m afraid I’ll never be enough to see the turmoil in you. That I'll never be enough for you to trust.
•
Sometimes, when I see you in a crowd, I feel a surge of pride. You’re the center of attention, effortlessly charming, drawing everyone in like a magnet. Even though I feel happiness watching the way you shine so bright, a tinge of anxiety gnaws at my heart. I wonder, in your orbit, am I just a meteor, clinging to the edges, wanting to move closer but never able to? Sometimes, it's hard to pretend it doesn’t hurt to see how easily you fit into the world even without me.
I want to believe I’m special to you, that I’m more than just another person drawn to your light. But when I see you, carefree and light, I wonder, am I really even someone to you, let alone special at all?
•
Sometimes, when I see you, I see how exhausted you are. Rare, quiet moments where you open up about how tiring it is to keep up the act. Those moments makes my heart ache, makes my heart race. I try to comfort you as best as I can, it fills me with hope that maybe you trust me now, but- each time as I try to reach out, to soothe your worries, you snap right shut. The mask slips back on and I'm left wishing.
Wishing I could be enough for you to stop pretending—to just be yourself, at least when it's just you and me.
But what if that’s not what you need? What if I’m just projecting my own desires onto you, and that the real you isn’t someone who needs me at all? Those thoughts grip me with such fear, I just smile back at you. My own mask slipping on with shame.
•
But,
You surprise me more and more these days. You open up, small and vulnerable and I can't help but feel a strange mix of protectiveness and fear. It tears me apart inside, it gnaws at my chest, a heavy weight crushing my ribs.
As much as I treasure these moments, where I am filled with a hope that I mean something to you, they also terrify me because they remind me of how fragile you really are—and how little I can do to protect you. How little you allow me to protect you.
I want to be your shield, I want to be the one that you can lean on, the one that can keep you safe from all the pain. But, I’m not sure if I’m enough. What if I fail you? What if, what I am, is not what you need, what you want? What then?
•
Sometimes, when I see you, I just see Cater. The boy who can make me feel a thousand things at once. The boy I call my best friend. It’s overwhelming, exhilarating, and terrifying all at the same time. You’re the person who understands me like no one else, and yet, you’re also the one who makes my heart race, who fills my mind with thoughts I’m not sure I should be having.
I’m caught between wanting to keep things as they are—safe, familiar—just Beau, your friend. But I also want to risk it all to tell you how I really feel.
What face would you make if I told you that I liked you? Would you be shocked? Would your shock break into happiness? Your green eyes crinkling at the corners as you grin?
Or would that shock morph into something else? Would your eyes contort into that hollow state as you nervously laugh out confused words? Would your mask stop slipping off when you're with me? Would you feel the disgust rising in your chest like bile?
I don't know what you would think. I don't know if I want to know. I don't think I'm strong enough to face that. I don't think I can live with it if my feelings push you away.
But,
There is one thing that I do know.
When I see you, I can’t imagine my life without you anymore. I can't imagine just going back to being strangers after everything we've been through.
So,
For as long as you'll let me, I'll lock up these pathetic feelings and stand by your side as what you want me to be. Even if I feel like shrivelling up and crawling deep into the vault, to let out and feel the weight of all the emotions you make me feel - I won't.
I will be just Beau.
The friend that you want me to be.