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“-rrik … Gorrik! Hey!”
He snaps to attention, at Taimi flicking her fingers in front of him. He still feels icy all over, his limbs are shaking. He'd been trying to tell her about the recent… development, but he must have zoned out. His ears flatten in shame. After Yao's and Rama's support he'd thought that he was ready, but-
“Are you back with me?”
He keeps his mouth shut and nods. His lip is pressed into a thin line as he tries to keep it together, but his throat has clogged again despite himself and tears blur his vision. He just can't stop them.
Taimi pulls him into a hug and it's when his head burrows in her shoulder that his breath comes… shakey… thin… ripping from his throat like a hollow sob.
He feels paper-thin in Taimi's embrace, like a weightless rag-doll. Taimi rubs his back and in a quiet, grounding voice she's recounting his earlier hypothesis to him, before he'd cracked and crumbled.
Right… focus on the progress. The facts. The numbers and evidence. The mystery of that strange foreign substance.
Not the… the ghosts.
But the more he's trying not to think of it, the more the memory manifests, and as his mind reels back on the look of Blish's face Gorrik's chest feels tight.
“I miss him,” he keens and Taimi stops rambling. Gorrik's arms shake like leaves and only now he reaches out to respond to Taimi's embrace with a crushing hug of his own. It's an iron grasp. Taimi, to a degree, has become his lifeline. Gorrik is afraid that when he lets go, she might vanish, too.
And he's scared. So scared of being alone.
Taimi pats his back, and slowly Gorrik grows aware. Of the weight of her hand on his back. Of the soft tingle in his fingertips. Of the way his head buzzes and his cheeks burn from hot tears.
“I miss him, too,” Taimi whispers and gives him a soft squeeze. Her voice is gentle… quiet. Gorrik needs to strain to properly understand her next to the chaos in his head.
“He looked so… angry,” Gorrik tries to speak and finds relief in his voice not breaking, “Like I had done him wrong.”
“Blish would be proud of you,” Taimi says. She says it often. To the point, Gorrik isn't sure she does whether she means it or because it's proven to work time and time again.
“I'm proud of you,” she adds. Gorrik feels her hand leave his back and immediately misses the gesture - but it's so Taimi can cup his face in both her palms and nudge Gorrik to look at her. His eyes are still wild and wet and flooding. Even with Taimi right in front of him, they have a hard time focusing.
Taimi uses her thumbs to brush away a fresh stream of tears, the action causing Gorrik's breath to hitch.
“I'm glad that you came to me,” Taimi says and rests her forehead against Gorrik's. It's a soothing gesture and Gorrik feels grounded.
“You know that... dream was a lie. A concern, a fear, rooted in the individual’s emotional vulnerability,” Taimi says - and this time Gorrik actually hears what she is saying.
“That was your hypothesis for the Commander. From your research. Not Blish's. Not mine. Yours.”
“Thanks, Taimi,” Gorrik tries to smile. But the praise doesn’t want to click. The bragging right feels… bitter now.
Gorrik is no stranger to a hands-on approach when it comes to his research; often times he prefers it that way to ensure a most accurate observation.
But…
"It's been four years, Taimi. I thought I was doing well. Then something like this happens and…”
He trails off, unspoken sentiments hang in the air until Gorrik sighs.
It's like having a trusted, established, safety-checked procedure blow up in your face suddenly. There are no words adequate enough to describe this feeling. Just... the immediate consequence of it.
"Now I can't help but question everything."
"Okay... okay," Taimi is scrambling for a resolution.
"Let's entertain that thought, then. Let's, for a moment, assume that your concerns are warranted."
Gorrik pauses. Looks at her.
"If there is one thing, I know for a fact, that Blish would disapprove of," Taimi bites her lip and grips Gorrik's shoulder, "then it's you never stepping out of his shadow."
Gorrik's vision swims. He feels himself quake under Taimi's touch and hopes she won't notice too much.
"You're brilliant, Gorrik. Weird - but brilliant in your own way. And don't you ever let anyone tell you otherwise."
Gorrik tries to relish her praise. It feels good to have his ego stroked a bit after... well, everything recently.
"You think I'm weird?" he asks cautiously. It's an odd statement to make. Only Taimi could make it sound inoffensive.
"You didn't know? I never made a secret of it."
It's now that the subtlest frown begins to crinkle on Gorrik's brow. His hum of acknowledgment sounds disappointed.
"But that's what makes you YOU," Taimi amends, "And Gorrik!"
She reaches for his hands, brushes her thumb over their back in what she hopes to be a soothing gesture.
"Don't ever change."
Gorrik is painfully aware of his breath as it leaves his lungs. Feels his heart thrumming in his chest. He tries to be mindful of it, steady himself. He closes his eyes to find that rhythm.
And just when he thinks he's learned to breathe again he feels the fleeting touch of a peck on his cheek.
His eyes fly open to gawk at Taimi, the coy smile she's giving him, the soft chuckle and blush on her cheeks.
Idly, he finds his hand wandering to investigate the cherished spot. Like a phantom, the gesture lingers - even as Taimi removes herself to recapitulate the results of their new data.
For the rest of the evening, Gorrik's mind is busy processing. But at least that had given him something new to ruminate on.
After much convincing and the initial reservations the Commander finally agreed to help Gorrik with his further research.
And of course, the Commander wants to go to Rata Sum. Gorrik does not need to ask why.
Despite the dread the very thought evokes, Gorrik finds strength in it, too. Companionship. To know that - this entire time - Taimi and him had not been grieving alone. It bolsters his resolve.
To Gorrik, it's a sign; that push he'd been waiting for. To find closure. To make peace.
So when the Commander embarks to Rata Sum to sift through Blish's legacy… Gorrik will already be there waiting.