Work Text:
Sometimes Stanley wishes he could keep his mouth shut. But when it came to Ford he could not resist the urge to one up his genius athletic prodigy brother (who also happens to be the world’s biggest asshole). But as mentioned, Ford is smarter, healthier, better cook, better hair, bigger asshole…
There really was only one place where Stan could claim to be the better twin at this point - women.
It was sooo priceless seeing the look on Ford’s face every time he brought up his lady of the week. Guy was clearly GREEN with envy. He started doing it more and more often, just to rub it in.
Over breakfast:
‘It says here that they’ve devised a way to recycle fingernail clippings into toothpaste! Fascinating!’ Ford said with his nose to a newspaper.
Stan looked over absentmindedly. ‘Yeah I gotta tell Linda about that, she keeps her nails reaaal long. Somehow thinks 6-inch painted claws are attractive. Women, right? Oh wait, you wouldn’t know. Ha!’
Ford’s grip on his newspaper tightened and he said through gritted teeth, ‘No, Stanley… I wouldn’t…’
During work hours:
A loud hiss sounded as the vending machine door opened and ford stepped out to grab something from his room. He startled a customer, but it was their fault for disregarding the yellow caution tape.
‘Hey! Hey Sixer!’
‘What.’
‘So Helene stopped by earlier and I gotta get your input on this. Do you think she’s into me if she stroked my back and called me ‘big boy’ while I was ringing up a customer? Simple yes or no.’
Ford just gave a wide eyed frown and walked away.
While relaxing with the kids in the TV room:
Mabel’s current obsession - 90s romcoms. On the TV a gorgeous young couple caressed each other in the rain. Mabel squealed as they finally shared their first kiss while Dipper groaned and covered his eyes. Stan whistled and elbowed Ford as the lady tore her shirt off.
‘Don’t tell me - reminds you of someone?’ Ford grumbled.
‘It does actually! Look at those knockers!’ Stan gestured at the TV. ‘Almost as good as Jane’s, am I right?’
‘I don’t know. I have trouble keeping up with your whirlwind love life. Besides, I prefer not to objectify women in that way.’
‘Nah cmon, you’re just embarrassed cause you’ve never seen ‘em in real life!’
Ford threw his hands up in the air. ‘I just don’t get what’s so exciting about a pair of subcutaneous fat deposits! And by the way if this Jane lady is around your age - which I hope she is - then they’re probably comparable to wrinkly grapes-’
‘Guys can you stop talking? Please?’ Dipper pleaded.
Ah yeah, good times.
Until Ford had to go and drop a bombshell that ruined everything.
‘This is getting out of hand Stanley,’ Ford said, getting up and standing in front of the TV. ‘And none of your incessant bragging about women will ever do anything more than slightly discomfort me because-’ Ford sighed. ‘I didn’t want to have to come out this way but… Stanley, kids… I don’t like women.’
Stan stared blankly. ‘You’re… a misogynist?’
‘I’m a homosexual you idiot!’ Ford pinched his nose, as if his brother’s comment had just given him a raging headache. ‘I’ll leave now. I understand it might take some time to reconcile this.’
‘Grunkle Ford, no!’ Mabel shot up from the floor and rushed to hug him. ‘It’s 2014! No one gives a hoot about that anymore.’
‘Yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised if they legalize gay marriage in like, two years,’ Dipper chimed in. ‘You’re our badass scientist grunkle and we love you no matter what.’ He joined in on the hug fest. Ford’s face softened, the tension disappearing from his shoulders.
‘Oh kids… thank you.’
Something inside Stan’s gut twisted watching this open display of acceptance and affection. Great. It was just like Ford to prove he’s the bigger person - he always has to be the bigger person. All Stanley wanted was a place where he was better than Ford at something, but nooo he just had to one-up Stanley in everything. And he’s always gotta hog the spotlight, making such a brave confession like that…
‘Stanley?’ Ford was looking at him cautiously. ‘Are you alright?’
Stan quickly looked away. ‘M fine. Congrats on being gay or whatever, who gives a shit.’
Stan didn’t even try to hide how pissed off he was at the whole ordeal, barely making eye contact with Ford for the next day, not bothering to prepare a plate for his brother at meal time like he usually did. Ford was a bit paranoid at first, asking again and again if his confession made Stanley uncomfortable, to which Stan would repeat ‘I don’t give a shit.’ And why would he? 30 years of living in gravity falls, the town where you could marry a woodpecker if you wanted to! That seemed to calm his brother down, but he’d still give him a strange look before carrying on with whatever chore or research.
A couple days later Stan had almost forgotten about the incident, and he stopped teasing Ford about women since it obviously wouldn’t work on him. Ford also got over whatever apprehension he had towards Stanley following his coming out, even inviting him down to the basement for a routine medical analysis. Stanley didn’t have health insurance (which is a scam anyways), and since he was technically dead he couldn’t see a real doctor if he wanted to. But Ford had 12 pHD’s in the sciences, which, as he had confidently assured, at that point made him more than qualified to act as Stan’s medical practitioner.
At the moment Stan was busy taking some online mental evaluation quiz while Ford was analyzing his blood samples. Stan idly clicked through the multiple choice questions, just going with his gut feeling as instructed by his brother. Although he paused and squinted at one that required more deliberation.
‘Best looking actor in the last 20 years… oof that’s a tough one.’ He scratched his chin. ‘Chad Hemsworth… or Bob Cruise…’
Ford turned around in his chair. ‘You don’t think much of Megan Fox?’
‘That lady wears too much makeup. And her hands are tiny.’ Stan made a decisive click. ‘Chad Hemsworth.’
Ford nodded. ‘I enjoy his rugged facial features.’
‘Yeah you would,’ Stan teased.
A few minutes passed and Stan hit the submit button, which led to a loading screen. ‘Thank you Stanley, I’ll take that.’ Ford brought the laptop to his desk and looked through the charts on his monitor a bit more, then back to the laptop, then back to the monitor. He sighed and shook his head before scribbling something down.
‘What’s the prognosis doc,’ Stan said, scooting his chair to the corner of Ford’s desk.
‘Well… I’ll start with the easy ones. Your blood pressure and cholesterol levels are lower, but still high. I advise you start cutting down on eating ice cream for dinner. Your nutrient and metabolic panels look good, so good work on that.’ Ford flipped the screen to a different chart, then put a solemn hand on his brother’s shoulder. Stan’s heart dropped, fearing the worst.
‘Stanley, I’d begun to suspect this a few days ago, when you were still dating Jane. I fear there’s no easy way to go about this so I’ll just say it… you’re homosexual.’
Stan jerked back. ‘What?! You’re crazy, no way!’
‘Stan, the quiz you took, look.’ Ford flipped the laptop around to show the screen displaying in big bold words: ‘You are: GAY’
‘But-‘
‘And here, look at this DNA chart.’ Stan looked over to the monitor, which was filled with strange lines and gibberish. ‘Knowing I myself am homosexual, many years ago I was able to isolate what I call the ‘gay gene’’ Ford tapped his pen on the center of a chart. ‘And Stanley, we are twins after all, but I had to be sure, and… Stanley, you have the gay gene.’
Stan had the most wide-eyed, shocked expression on his face. ‘Ford it can’t be true, I’ve only ever dated WOMEN, what are you saying!’
‘I’m saying you’ve never had a relationship that lasted more than 24 hours. Mostly due to you cutting it off because of ‘compatibility issues.’ Does that sound like true straight man behavior to you?’ Ford cocked an eyebrow, clinically.
‘No look, it’s- it’s because I’m a loser, and I’m scared of intimacy-‘
‘No Stanley, you’re overthinking it. You’re gay.’ When Stan just silently put his head in his hands, Ford let up a bit on the clinical persona. ‘And my advice… try asking out a guy. See if it works out. And if it doesn’t, you have my permission to make fun of me for misjudging.’
‘…Where do I even start? This is a whole new ballpark, Sixer.’
Ford put a hand on his chin in thought. ‘Isn’t your attractive biker friend coming to town soon?’
‘Jimmy? Did you just call Jimmy attractive?’ Stan looked up at his brother incredulously, causing Ford to blush. Geez, if his brother was already so comfortable being open about his sexuality… maybe Stan could too. Stan broke into a grin. ‘Nah, you give him a shot, and I’ll poke around with some of his buddies. Deal?’
Ford smiled and wrapped an arm around his twin’s shoulder. ‘Wonderful idea Stanley. Deal.’