Chapter Text
Recently Tyler hasn't been doing too great, he was starting to doubt himself and his choices that led him to be where he is right now. Which is silently staring at the ceiling in his room in his house in Ohio. With his wife snoring softly on the other side of their bed. He used to find that snore endearing. Now he can't help but think that because of his choice to marry her he will have to live with that snore for the rest of his dismal life.
Tylers hands rest near his hips. Flat against the bed. He thinks about his childhood, it was fine all the way until high-school. He had a normal childhood albeit with a strong religious veil that already made him different from the other kids in his neighborhood. He spent more time with his family then out attempting to make friends.Tyler thinks about high-school and feels his chest tighten up in panic a little bit. He wouldn't say his family was abusive but fuck, stuff they do shouldnt fuck you up as bad as it fucks him up. Tyler has done enough research on it to know that making your son shoot 500 shots from the three point line every night is not okay. If he missed, it was a choice between starting over or going to bed exhausted and starving. Once Tyler missed one at 498 shots, he just went to his room sobbing.
Thats not normal, thats not okay. His parents always let him know exactly how worthless he was when he missed a shot.
Tylers breathing starts to speed up a little so he quietly slides out of bed, grabs his phone and makes his way quickly to the farthest away bathroom. Which is in the basement next to all his musical gear. He locks the door behind him and starts pacing, his hands clasped around his phone. Fuck, he doesn't deserve any of this. The success,the fame, the fans. He doesn't deserve the music. His parents used to tell him how he wouldnt make it anywhere pursing music. He shouldnt have. He's not good enough for any of this. Hes not good enough. Tyler sets his phone on the counter and buries his hands into his hair. He tugs at the roots roughly. He slides down onto the floor letting the cold linoleum ground him. Hes not good enough for Josh. Hes gonna leave. Hes not good enough for Josh. Whats he gonna do? He was nothing before Josh. He won't, he cant, go back to being nothing. Oh god, how will he cope with Josh leaving? How will he explain it? Who will he talk to? Oh god, he'll be alone. He can't talk to Jenna like he talks to Josh. Tyler goes to snap the rubber band he used to keep around his left wrist before remembering that he hasn't worn one for years. Tyler moves up onto the toilet seat. He rocks back and forth with his hands firmly beneath his thighs. What will he do when Josh leaves? What if Josh already left? What if he never comes back? What if he hates Tyler? Tyler hates Tyler. He pulls his basketball shorts up and starts digging his blunt nails into his upper right thigh, right next to all his other nasty scars from his teenage years. He told Josh about them once. He made it seem like no big deal so Josh probably assumed that the scars are more superficial and small then life threatening but Tyler's right upper thigh is thoroughly mangled. Its covered in thick red/silvery scars that on more then one occasion probably should have had stitches. He has never had sex with the light on. He is so afraid that Jenna will leave if she knew what he hid from her. He is so afraid Josh will leave if he knew what he hid from him. He so afraid of being alone. He doesn't want to be alone. His heart stutters when he sees blood. Nothing will ever replace the feeling he gets from seeing the small beads of red rise from his trembling thigh. Nothing, not even snapping a rubberband until his wrist is swollen and bruised. He stops immediately though when he realizes he has relapsed. After years of being clean, he relapsed. Fuck, now everyones really gonna leave. He grabs his phone, smearing blood on the screen. He dials Joshs number, Fuck its 2am on a Sunday there is no way Josh is gonna pick up. He hangs up. He sets his phone back down and begins pacing again. What will he do when they leave? What will he do? Oh god oh god oh god. Tylers phone starts vibrating so he picks it up and sees Josh calling he quickly answers.
"Tyler? sorry I missed your call." Josh says
Tyler quickly sits back on the toilet.
"Josh." Tyler says quietly his voice rough from crying
"Tyler? Are you okay?" Josh asks sounding concerned
"I hung up."
"okay...why?"
"I didn't wanna wake you up over something so, so stupid."
"Tyler its only 11 here its fine and I'm sure it wasn't that stupid, whats up?"
"I feel like Im dreaming, shit." Tyler looks around the dim room.
"Tyler are you depersonalizing again? Are you okay? Are you with anyone right now? where are you?" Josh says a bit frantically
"I-I messed up real bad Josh and I-Im just so afraid you all will leave me. I dont wanna be alone again." Tyler is starting to feel light
"Tyler, are you okay? What happened? What did you do?" Josh sounds helpless. I mean what can he do all the way across the country, cant fucking fly here. If Tyler decided to end it he couldnt save him. Tylers head jerks up.
"Tyler? Are you still there?" Josh asks
"I dont know." Tyler responds he thinks he might but everythings real blurry and hard to focus on. "I dont feel real, is this a dream? Is this real?"
"Tyler go get Jenna." Josh says slowly
"I dont love her." Tyler states
"Tyler!" Josh gasps
"I married her because I thought its what my parents wanted and Im so sick of disappointing them." Tyler slides to the ground
"Tyler, go get her, she needs to make sure you're safe. You need to tell me what you did." Josh sounds demanding.
"I-I, promise me you wont be mad." Tyler is so afraid
"I wont, I promise." Josh says quietly
"I relapsed." Tyler is so disappointed in himself
Joshs breath gets caught in his throat.
"Are you okay, is it bad?"
"I dont know, its so hard to focus."
"Tyler you need to get Jenna, I need to know youre safe, Tyler."
"I dont wanna be safe, Im so tired Josh."
"What does that mean? What do you mean by that, Tyler?"
"Im so tired." Tyler rolls onto his back. "I don't wanna be alone. if i tell Jenna she will leave and I can't be alone right now Josh, oh fuck, Josh, I'm alone I'm alone."
"Tyler. Get. Jenna." Josh is crying
"Shes gonna be so mad at me. What will mom think. Oh god I'm alone. Im alone." Tyler cries quietly into his phone.
"Tyler. please go get Jenna. please."
"Shes asleep, If I did it now no one but you would know."
"Do what now, Tyler?" Joshs voice is shaky "Tyler, you're scaring me."
"I love you. I have always loved you, I was just too afraid of what everyone would think, too afraid of what everyone would say Too afraid of what you would do. I couldn't handle you leaving. God, Im already a freak, I didn't want to be gay ontop of it all." Tylers body relaxes and he looks up at the ceiling. His mind is made up.
"Tyler...Why are you telling me this" Josh sniffles
"someone had to know. I dont want to die without anyone knowing that I loved you."
"Tyler!" Josh instantly becomes alert, "Fuck, Tyler I love you too, please go get Jenna please."
"Josh, I don't want to be alone, even when I'm with her, I feel so alone." Tyler whispers
"Tyler, for me, please, please, go get Jenna. How bout this, Ill tell her, you hand her the phone and I will let her know whats happening so you dont have to tell her."
"You'd do that?" Tyler smiles. "You're too good for this world, Josh, You're too good for me, for this band." Tyler gets off the floor and looks in the mirror, hes a mess, he has some blood smeared across his face and phone and its trickling slightly down his leg and hes smiling like an idiot.
"Tyler, please, for me." Josh begs
"Okay, Im going."
Tyler walks up the stairs and into his room. he gently shakes Jenna until she wakes up.
"Tyler?"
"Josh needs to talk to you, I'm gonna wait in the living room."
He hands her his phone and practically sprints to the living room. He sits on the couch and stares at the wall for what feels like hours. Jenna comes out fully dressed.
"Come on, Tyler." Jenna say quietly handing back his phone she sounds tired and mad.
"Im sorry." Tyler says grabbing his shoes. Jenna just nods
Its only once they are in the car driving that Tyler realizes he has no idea where they are going.
"Where are we going?" Tyler says but Jenna doesn't react at all so he not totally sure he actually said it and now he feels dumb for asking so he just looks out the window and detaches from the situation.
When they get to the hospital Tyler realizes that he probably should have realized. Its the only obvious place to take a suicidal man at 2:30 am on a Sunday. When they walk in Jenna does all the talking, he just stares at his toes and hopes no one recognizes him. He still has his own blood on his face. She checks him in tells him she loves him kisses him on the cheek and walks away in a way that feels so final that he feels his heart drop to the floor. A nurse escorts him to a temporary room and let's him know he will be transferred in the morning. He feels stupid. He lays down on the stiff bed and stares at the ceiling. His minds too foggy to think about everything that just happened. He falls asleep with a frown on his face.