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I.
Lexa loses Anya at the station.
She briefly tries calling for her but with the mass of bodies all trying to get on the train, her voice is quickly drowned out. She suspects Anya has better people to talk to anyway. Instead, she keeps her head down, eyes trained on the ground to stop her tripping, and somehow manages to make it on to the train. Wandering through the carriages, Lexa feels the familiar burn of tears prickling behind her eyes, and wishes she’d held Anya’s hand like she offered.
It’s her first year, she’s only eleven and still small for her age, and even though she’s been exposed to magic her whole life through her cousin, everything seems new and strange and scary.
Each car is at least half full, which doesn't settle Lexa’s nerves. She knows at some point she’ll have to choose one, and they’re filling up fast.
She’s so focused on holding back her tears that she doesn’t notice the cat weaving between her legs until it trips her, and the next thing she sees is the floor. The cat disappears down the train behind her with a yelp.
“Oh my god, are you okay?”
Face burning with embarrassment, Lexa accepts the hand held out for her, failing to hold back the few tears that escape. She opens her eyes to find a blonde girl, fresh-faced and about the same size as her, concern etched over her features.
“Are you okay?” She repeats. Lexa nods slowly, scared she won’t be able to speak without her voice betraying her upset. “Are you a first year?” She nods again.
The other girl’s face lights up. “Me too! Where are you sitting?”
“I lost my cousin and I don’t know anyone”, Lexa finally admits quietly. The girl in front of her smiles even bigger, if that’s possible.
“Me and my friends have some space in our car, you can sit with us!”
Without dropping Lexa’s hand, the girl turns and leads her towards the back of the train.
It’s quieter back here, which Lexa is grateful for, still embarrassed even though her tears have dried and her face no longer burns. The girl stops abruptly outside a car with two dark-haired girls in it and turns to Lexa.
“I’m Clarke, by the way.”
“Lexa.”
Clarke’s smile crinkles the corners of her eyes, as she pushes open the door and pulls Lexa inside.
“Raven, Octavia,” she says gesturing to the two girls in turn, “this is Lexa”.
Both girls smile at her, and Lexa takes a seat next to Octavia. There’s silence for a beat, and Lexa worries she’s made things awkward, until Octavia launches into a story about her older brother’s time at Hogwarts, and before long Lexa is laughing along easily.
She learns that Raven and Octavia grew up together in a little town in Cornwall, and that Clarke’s family have known Octavia’s for years, despite living all the way up in Oxford. When she’s asked, Lexa tells them she’s from Wales, but doesn’t offer much more explanation. They probably wouldn’t know the town anyway.
She doesn’t speak much beyond answering basic questions, but her nerves from earlier have almost completely dissipated now, and when she catches Clarke’s eye and receives a smile in return, a whole new feeling burns low in her stomach.
—
Lexa doesn’t know what to do when the train reaches its destination, so she stays as close to Clarke as possible. The first years are herded in a different direction from everyone else, so she gives up on trying to find Anya.
Clarke seems to sense her nerves and reaches down to grab her hand again, like they’ve known each other for longer than a few hours. As they enter the great hall Lexa can feel Clarke shaking, and thinks that maybe she’s not only doing it for her.
“Are you nervous?” She asks.
Lexa shakes her head no, then changes her mind, “Maybe a little”.
“Me too. What are you hoping for?”
“My cousin Anya is in Slytherin, she’s in her final year. It would be nice to know someone.”
“Octavia’s brother, Bellamy, he’s a Slytherin too.”
“Do you know anyone here?”
“Apart from Bellamy, no. I’d like to get into Gryffindor though.”
Before Lexa has a chance to ask why, the group is being quieted, for the sorting to begin.
Raven is the first name Lexa recognises, and she watches her approach the stool at the front of the room. The decision is a quick one, the hat shouting out “Ravenclaw” almost immediately when it’s placed on her head. A few more people who Lexa doesn’t recognise step forwards one by one, and then Clarke is pulling her hand away before Lexa even registers that she’s been called.
The hat shouts out “Slytherin”, and Lexa sees the flash of disappointment on Clarke’s face, replaced quickly by a bright smile as she makes her way over to the table. She gets pulled in to sit beside a dark haired boy who Lexa suspects to be Bellamy. Her suspicions are confirmed a minute later, when Octavia also gets sorted into Slytherin, and the boy stands up to hug her, before she settles in next to Clarke.
The group is quickly thinning out, and Lexa begins to worry if there’s been a mistake, if she’s not even meant to be here, but she’s snapped out of that thought at the sound of her name. She can feel her heartbeat in her ears as she sits down, focusing her eyes on her hands tangled in her lap, and wishing for Slytherin.
“It’s Slytherin you want, isn’t it? But is Slytherin really where you belong?”
Lexa nods her head. She heard that the hat will listen to what you want too.
“I don’t think it is. You’re selfless. Loyal. Smart enough to be a Ravenclaw maybe, but you belong somewhere else.”
Lexa can feel her heart drop and the burn behind her eyes return when she knows what she’s about to hear.
“Hufflepuff!”
She glances towards the Slytherin table, hoping to spot Clarke or Anya for some kind of reassurance, but she’s met with a sea of faces, and she can't pick them out. Instead, she settles at the Hufflepuff table beside a girl with a beaming smile. A boy on her other side nods at her, not in an unfriendly way, but she can tell he doesn’t talk much. The girl on the other hand-
“Hi, I’m Costia, I’m a third year, welcome to Hufflepuff.”
Lexa just mumbles a thanks, although she can’t stop the corners of her mouth turning up at the girls enthusiasm.
“This is Lincoln, he’s a second year. Do you know anyone else here?”
Lexa remembers Clarke then, and feels her stomach drop. “My cousin is in Slytherin, and my-“ she falters for a second, debating how to explain her relationship with Clarke, “a girl I met on the train is in it too.”
Costia must see the disappointment on her face, because she leans over to knock shoulders with her. “Don’t worry, the houses aren’t as divided as you’d think, you’ll see plenty of your friend.”
Lexa goes to reply, but before she can speak there’s an uproar at their table as someone else is sorted into Hufflepuff. He looks vaguely familiar, but doesn’t sit near them, so Lexa forgets about him. Costia is friendly, and easy to talk to - although Lexa suspects she could hold a conversation with a brick wall and keep it interesting - and she offers to show Lexa to class if she needs help. She walks with her to the common room, before saying goodnight to Lexa and branching off towards a group of people who Lexa assumes are her friends.
—
Somehow, the following morning Lexa finds her way to History of Magic, only getting slightly lost once. She’s early, and so settles into an empty desk near the front of the room. It isn’t long before the rest of the class begins to arrive, and Lexa jumps when she feels someone sitting next to her.
“Hey, Lexa” She turns her head to find Clarke beside her.
“Hi.”
“How was your first night?”
“It was okay. How was yours?”
It seems like Clarke has been itching to be asked that, as she launches into an enthusiastic spiel about how great it was, talking about Octavia and Bellamy and smiling as she does. Lexa feels a pang of jealousy, but she’s always been more of a solitary person anyway. Clarke is interrupted by the professor, and settles her head in her hands.
Lexa spares glances at Clarke throughout the class, only to find the girl closer and closer to sleep each time. It’s not the most exciting class, she’ll give her that.
After what feels like an eternity, class ends, and Lexa nudges Clarke to make sure she’s awake.
Clarke jumps, and Lexa suspects she might not have been. She stands to leave, when she feels Clarke tugging on her sleeve.
“I’m going to meet Octavia and Raven for food now, do you want to come too?”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude.” Clarke laughs like its the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard.
“You won’t be intruding, come on.”
Lexa follows Clarke out the door, and the weight on her chest feels lighter for the first time since she’s arrived.
Lexa’s first few months at Hogwarts pass without incident. Anya helps her out when she needs it, but their age difference means she doesn’t see a lot of her. She finds company in Lincoln, because there isn’t any pressure to make conversation, and she’s drawn to Costia for the opposite reason; she makes talking easy, and Lexa can relax around her.
She grows closer to Octavia and Raven, but since they grew up together, she feels like she might always be a third wheel on that friendship. She’s eternally grateful for Clarke, who makes her feel less like an intruder, and more like she belongs.
—
Octavia gets in a fight just before Christmas break, because someone spits the word ‘mudblood’ at Raven, and her honour can't go undefended. It's the first time Lexa’s even thought about her friends’ (Clarke’s friends, really) backgrounds. She asks Clarke about it that night as they eat dinner together, while Raven patches up Octavia.
“I didn’t know Raven was muggle born.” She starts.
“Yeah, she is, it just doesn’t really matter so we never talk about it. I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that Octavia’s a pureblood”
“What about you?” Clarke raises her eyebrows in confusion. “I mean, are your parents magical?”
“My dad was,” she starts, taking a deep breath before continuing, “but he died a couple of years ago.”
“I’m sorry, Clarke.”
“It’s okay. He was a Gryffindor, that’s why I wanted it so badly.”
“I’m sure he’d be proud of you no matter what.”
Clarke smiles sadly down at her food, and Lexa almost regrets bringing the conversation up. She doesn’t know what to say, so instead opts for sliding her hand over Clarke’s. She doesn’t regret it quite so much when Clarke turns her hand over and interlaces their fingers.
They sit in silence like that for a few minutes, before they’re interrupted by Raven and Octavia. Clarke seems to brighten up, but her hand doesn’t leave Lexa’s.
Lexa can’t fight her smile.
—
Christmas is long, and Lexa spends it wishing she was back at school.
She only writes two Christmas cards, one to Clarke and, as an afterthought, one to Costia.
—
January brings with it new beginnings, in the shape of Octavia’s newfound interest in quidditch. Lexa ends up frozen in the stands, squashed in between Clarke and Raven, as Hufflepuff play Slytherin.
Costia is on the team, which is something Lexa didn’t know. So is Lincoln, much to Octavia’s enjoyment.
“Hey Lexa, who’s the Hufflepuff beater? Can you introduce me?” Octavia jokes from the other side of Raven, but her laughter turns to delight when Lexa replies,
“That’s Lincoln, we hang out together sometimes.”
“He’s hot,” Clarke mumbles, quiet enough that only Lexa can hear.
She doesn’t reply. She doesn’t know how to tell Clarke he just isn’t her type.
—
Lexa’s content, she realises in the week before the summer holidays.
She’s made friends, she’s done well in her classes, and she’s content. She spends the afternoon of their last full day sitting by the lake with Clarke, Octavia, and Raven.
Octavia sighs, lying back so her head is in Raven’s lap, “I’m gonna miss you guys over summer.”
Lexa hums her agreement.
“You should all come visit my house”.
Lexa smiles. She knows Raven grew up in the same town as Octavia, so she’ll be there no matter what, but Lexa’s spending the summer with her extended family in Greece, and Clarke is going to Washington with her mother.
“Maybe.”
She looks at Clarke, who leans back onto her hands so that she can place one over Lexa’s. The first day of school nerves return, and Lexa doesn’t quite understand.
II.
Octavia makes the quidditch team in second year. She's a beater, in spite of her size, and Lexa can’t hide her shock when she announces it at dinner.
“Won’t that be dangerous?” Raven pipes up.
“Nothing I can’t handle Reyes,” She shoots back with a wink.
—
Clarke drags Lexa to the astronomy tower one night after dinner, when Raven and Octavia have disappeared to god knows where.
“What are we doing up here, Clarke?”
“I like the stars. I wanted to look at them.”
“You can do that from literally anywhere else”, Lexa replies, a smile playing at the corners of her mouth.
“I know, but I’ve been coming up here for a while now,” Clarke turns to look at her, “I thought I’d bring you with me”.
She settles on the ground, back against a wall and motions for Lexa to sit with her.
Clarke reaches out and takes her hand, and they sit in a comfortable silence.
“Wells Jaha kissed me.”
Lexa doesn’t understand why her stomach drops the way that it does. Wells is the Gryffindor seeker, with dark skin and a bright smile, but Lexa didn’t even know that Clarke knew him.
“He wants to go to Hogsmeade together next weekend.”
“Oh,” Lexa tries to keep her voice even, “are you going to go?”
She looks at Clarke and wishes she hadn’t, because she’s smiling brightly and it’s making Lexa’s stomach hurt.
“Yeah, I think so. He’s really nice, Lex”
“That’ll be nice.”
“Yeah.”
The silence feels suffocating now, for Lexa at least. She wants to be happy that Clarke’s happy, but all she can feel is dread.
She doesn’t let go of Clarke’s hand.
—
That weekend, Lexa goes to Hogsmeade anyway, with Raven and Octavia.
She likes them, but without Clarke there she feels like she’s intruding on something, between their easy laughs and linked pinkies, so it isn’t long before she breaks off on her own.
She sits alone in the Three Broomsticks, and for the first time since she’s been back at school she misses Anya. They didn’t see each other much, but it was sometimes nice to have company when she needed it.
She isn’t alone for long though, as Costia sits down opposite her, sliding her a butterbeer.
“You look like you could use this,” she smiles, continuing “are you here on your own?”
Lexa nods.
“Me too! I mean I came with my friends but they’re both off chasing after some boys in the year above.”
“You didn’t want to join them?” A smile plays at the corners of Lexa’s mouth.
“Nah,” Costia smirks, “they aren’t really my type.” She punctuates the sentence with a wink.
Lexa’s stomach flutters at the implication, and she’s sure she’s blushing.
She thinks about Costia as she falls asleep that night.
III.
Wells asks Clarke to the winter formal in third year, and nobody is surprised. They’ve been together officially for almost a year now, and Lexa’s trying her best to like him. Lincoln asks Octavia, which Bellamy claims is fraternising with the enemy, but Octavia seems to enjoy the whole 'star crossed lovers’ bit. Raven gets asked by Finn, a Hufflepuff in the year above them, but since they aren't dating she doesn’t spend much time with him in the lead up to the dance.
Lexa’s glad, it’s only been the two of them a lot of the time recently, and she doesn't want to lose another friend to a boy.
Especially when she needs to talk to someone. That’s when Lexa finds herself confiding in Raven.
“I have something to tell you,” Raven looks at her expectantly, “it’s about the winter formal. Or, like who I’m taking, I mean want to take but I don’t know if it’s okay or how you guys will react and I haven’t ever told anybody this before and I don’t know how to-“
“Lexa I swear that’s the most I’ve ever heard you talk at once”, Raven laughs.
“Raven, I’m gay”, Lexa breathes out so fast she isn’t sure she heard.
She feels the world stop moving, she swears time freezes as she waits for Raven’s response.
“Okay, so who are you asking?” There’s an easy smile on Raven’s face, and the relief that floods Lexa’s body is so strong she almost cries. Almost.
“Wait, you don’t mind?”
“Of course not, you’re still you.”
“What do you think Clarke and Octavia will think?”
“Same as me, dumbass. They love you, they won’t care.”
Lexa really can’t control her smile, and for once the prickling behind her eyes comes from happiness.
“So, who’s the lucky lady?”
“Uh, you know Costia?”
—
Costia says yes.
Lexa’s heart feels like it might beat out of her chest when she’s asking. Costia smiles like that’s all she’s ever wanted and wraps Lexa in a hug that knocks the air out of her. Lexa melts into it.
For the first time since she realised her sexuality three years ago, she feels like it’s going to be okay.
She never really gets round to telling Clarke and Octavia.
They've been busy anyway.
—
They’re at another Hufflepuff vs. Slytherin quidditch match, Lexa sandwiched in between Raven - who is only there so Lexa feels less like a third wheel - and Clarke. Clarke spends the match with her hand in Wells’, alternating between making out with him and talking to Lexa and Raven.
Costia scores, and Lexa cheers, and Raven tells her, “Your girl’s good.”
“Your girl?” Clarke asks, voice ridden with confusion.
“I’ll tell you later”. Lexa feels uncomfortable talking about it around Wells.
—
Clarke kisses Wells goodbye as Lexa looks away, then bounces over to link their arms together.
She shrugs at Lexa’s questioning look. “It’s cold”.
Lexa simply nods. Her stomach is turning and she might be sick. It’s worse than telling Raven, in a way, because even if she’s been too busy to hang out recently, Clarke is her best friend, and her opinion matters the most.
“So what was Raven talking about?”
“I’m gay, Clarke.” She spits it out like the words will burn a hole in her throat if she doesn’t.
She glances at Clarke soon enough to see the shock on her face, which she quickly tries to hide, but Lexa’s too busy wondering which bush would be best to throw up behind.
“And you’re taking Costia to the formal?” Lexa nods.
“That’ll be nice.” Lexa looks back at Clarke to see her smiling brightly. She disentangles their arms and pulls Lexa into a tight hug. “Thanks for telling me, Lex. I’m really glad you did.”
Lexa’s stomach settles again.
—
The night of the formal comes around, and Lexa feels beautiful. She lets her hair down from its usual braids to hang loosely over one shoulder, and it makes her feel bare, but Costia tells her how pretty she looks and Lexa thinks maybe she should let her hair down more often.
The night is a fun one.
Lexa dances with Costia, and she kisses her sweetly on the dance floor and she dances with Raven and Octavia and Clarke and their dates, and feels herself laughing freely, and she has fun.
She feels carefree for the first time in a long time, and when Clarke kisses Wells her stomach doesn’t turn as violently as it used to.
Costia walks her to her room and kisses her goodnight gently. If she notices Lexa shaking, she doesn’t comment on it, and all Lexa can think is that it feels right.
Lexa falls asleep fast and dreams of dark curls and slow dancing and soft kisses.
It doesn’t work out. They don’t date, don’t even kiss again, but the memory of it keeps her warm so Lexa hold on to it.
—
Octavia gets in a fight within a week of being back at school after Christmas.
It’s almost like deja-vu, except this time someone spits the word ‘dyke’, at Lexa, and within seconds he’s got a bloody nose. Lexa feels like the world is closing in on her. She’s never felt that much hatred in somebody's voice directed at her.
Clarke must sense it, because she says goodbye to Wells and leads Lexa up to the astronomy tower.
When they’re alone, Clarke hugs Lexa tightly, and Lexa lets herself cry.
“Shh, Lex, please don’t cry. He’s an asshole, don’t listen to him”, Clarke murmurs in her ear. Eventually, her sobs quiet, and both girls sit.
“I don’t understand why people have so much hatred in them,”
“Me neither, Lex. It sucks, I’m sorry.”
They settle into a comfortable silence before Clarke speaks again.
“Lexa, can I tell you something?” Her voice is small and Lexa turns to face her, nodding.
“I think like girls too. But I still like boys. But I also like girls. I think I’m bi?”
The confession shocks Lexa. Clarke has never seemed anything but ramrod straight, so in the seconds it takes her to react she sees fear flash across Clarke’s features.
“Thank you for telling me Clarke,” she mirrors Clarke’s words from the year before, taking her hand. “I’m really glad you did.”
Clarke smiles back at her through watery eyes.
“Me too”.
IV.
Octavia turns fifteen in the summer before fourth year, and Lexa meets Clarke in London to catch the train down to Cornwall together. It’s long, and Clarke dozes off on Lexa’s shoulder half an hour into the journey. Lexa watches the English countryside through the window, and smiles when Clarke joins their hands in her sleep-induced haze. Lexa meets Octavia’s family properly for the first time, it's just her brother and her mum, but they all have the same eyes, and their mouths curve the same when they smile, and Lexa feels a little jealous of how close they are.
On the night of Octavia’s birthday, she seems to magic a bottle of whiskey from thin air - although Raven tells her later it just came from her mum's liquor cabinet - and it’s the first time Lexa gets drunk.
They play truth or dare, and somewhere in the middle of it Clarke mentions that she broke up with Wells. Lexa stays quiet as Octavia questions her, and tries her best to look disappointed for her friend. Clarke shoots her a knowing look and maybe she doesn’t hide her feelings well enough.
“What about you Lexa? How’s Costia?”
“We were never dating, she’s got a girlfriend now.” Lexa’s been writing to her all summer, because even if they didn’t work out she values Costia’s friendship over everything.
She chances a look at Clarke, who smiles softly at her before turning to Raven.
“Raven, truth or dare?”
“Truth”
“Who do you like?” Lexa smiles at Clarke’s giggle, but doesn’t miss the way Raven’s eyes flash towards Octavia before she focuses down on her hands.
“Uhh nobody right now”, Raven says, uncharacteristically quiet.
“Oh come on,” Octavia knocks her with her shoulder, “there must be someone”.
Raven smirks, “Well, your brother isn’t bad”.
The softer side of Raven from a minute ago seems to have disappeared completely, she laughs as Octavia shoves her playfully, and Lexa wonders if she imagined it.
Raven teaches them how to play ‘Kings’, a muggle drinking game designed purely to get you drunk, and by halfway through Lexa’s eyes are unfocused and she’s relaxing back into Clarke. Clarke's so pretty, she thinks, and she tells her just as much when Raven and Octavia disappear to the toilet.
“Clarke you’re pretty.”
Clarke smiles back, equally tipsy. “Not as pretty as you.”
Lexa shakes her head because thats the stupidest thing she’s ever heard. Clarke’s grown into her body this summer, she carries herself more confidently, and looks like she’s actually grown up. Lexa on the other hand has gotten taller, but she’s lanky, and her boobs haven’t come in yet. She reaches out and traces a hand over one of Clarke’s, because she’s drunk and it doesn’t seem weird. Clarke sighs gently at the touch and Lexa leans closer.
Her memories from the night are fuzzy, but she swears that had Octavia and Raven not collapsed through the door in fits of laughter at that exact moment, Clarke might have let Lexa kiss her.
—
The night before Clarke and Lexa are due to leave they get drunk again, except this time Bellamy joins them with some of his friends. Lexa doesn’t like them, but she’s not sure why.
It might be the way they try and flirt with Clarke, leaning close and giving her eyes, or it might be the way that sometimes Clarke flirts back. Either way, it means that this time when she’s drunk, she isn’t laughing easily and relaxing. Instead she feels herself tensing more with each sip, wishing she was the one Clarke was leaning in to right now.
She folds in on herself, and ends up sitting quietly in the corner, cradling her drink, until Octavia joins her.
“You okay, Lex?” Lexa nods.
Octavia doesn’t look like she believes her, but she doesn’t push it any further. Instead she starts telling Lexa a story about something stupid Raven did when they were kids, until Lexa’s smile tugs at her lips again. For a second she forgets to think about Clarke.
She turns to see Clarke attached by the mouth to one of Bellamy’s friends, and wishes she’d forgotten for a bit longer.
Lexa isn’t jealous.
Clarke deserves better than a gross boy, that’s all.
Later that night, Clarke finds Lexa half asleep on Octavia’s sofa, and squeezes in beside her.
“Where’s your boy?” Clarke shrugs.
“I think he left. I don’t care.”
“Was he a good kisser?” Lexa doesn’t want to know the answer.
“Yeah,” the way Clarke sighs it into the darkness tells Lexa that she’s smiling, and she ignores her stomach churning. If she feels like she might throw up, it’s just because of the alcohol.
—
Clarke and Lexa don’t talk much for the last few weeks of summer, but they meet on the platform and Clarke’s eyes are bright and happy and she hugs Lexa like she’s missed her, and just like that they’re back to the way things were.
—
Clarke spends more time with Lexa and Raven again, now that she doesn’t have Wells to distract her, and she’s the one who notices.
“Do you ever wonder why Raven hasn’t dated anyone?” Clarke asks when its just the two of them in Lexa’s dorm, lying side by side in her bed.
Lexa shrugs, “Its not really my business.”
“Yeah I know, but it seems weird. She’s hot, I would’ve thought boys would be all over her.” Lexa stays quiet. “Do you think there’s something going on with her and Octavia?”
Lexa shrugs again. “Octavia’s dating Lincoln.”
“Hm, you’re right. Do you think Raven wants there to be something?”
“Clarke, where is all this coming from?”
“I don’t know, she just seems really down any time we mention Octavia these days.”
“She just misses her. She’s not around much anymore.”
Clarke just hums in response, but drops the subject. Lexa feels weird talking about their friend behind her back.
Even if she agrees with Clarke.
V.
Fifth year brings with it O.W.L.s, which mean less time in the great hall or watching quidditch and more time in the library. A lot more time in the library. Lexa studies with Clarke for a lot of it, and in the moments where she feels her brain might just explode, Clarke slips her notes punctuated with smiley faces.
Sometimes she's complaining about work, sometimes she scribbles a story down, sometimes it’s simply ‘I’m bored’
On this particular day, Clarke’s note simply reads ‘I have something to tell you :)’.
Lexa looks up expectantly while Clarke scribbles frantically on another piece of parchment.
‘Finn asked me out!!!! :)’
Lexa flips the page over, writing ‘who’s finn?’ and sliding it back.
‘The one with the floppy hair. Took Raven to the third year formal. He’s in Hufflepuff :)’
Lexa fights back the frown on her face, trying to remain neutral. ‘What did you say?’
‘Yes!!!!!’
Lexa looks up and Clarke is beaming at her. She forces a smile onto her face for her friend, but excuses herself a few minutes later.
“I’m gonna get an early night. See you tomorrow, Clarke.”
She tries not to think about the confusion etched over the other girl’s features.
—
The common room is empty when Lexa gets back, so she curls into a chair by the fire and tries not to cry.
It doesn’t work.
At some point though she must drift off, because she wakes up to Costia gently nudging her.
“Hey sleepyhead, it’s getting late, you want to head up to your room?”
Lexa rubs the sleep from her eyes, hoping Costia doesn’t see the redness from earlier.
No such luck.
“Shit, Lex, have you been crying? Are you okay?”
Lexa can’t bring herself to speak, because she thinks she might cry again if she does. A couple of boys enter the common room then, and Costia reaches for Lexa’s hand.
“Come on, I’m a prefect now, got a room to myself. We can talk there.”
Lexa still doesn’t speak, but she smiles, grateful for her friend.
Behind the closed doors of Costia’s room, all it takes is a gentle look, and Lexa’s spilling her soul in a tumbling mess of words.
Between sobs she mumbles about Clarke and Wells and Finn and love, and for the first time in her life she’s honest about her feelings. Costia rubs a hand over her back and whispers soothing words, until Lexa’s finally calmed down.
They lie side by side, in the dark of Costia’s room, Lexa’s heart hammering in her chest.
“Costia?” She whispers, so softly she isn’t sure the other girl heard.
There’s silence for a second, and Lexa thinks she might have fallen asleep, but then she’s answered by movement beside her, as Costia rolls to face Lexa.
They’re so close that Lexa’s forgotten about Clarke and Finn and how her heart felt like it was shattering earlier. She shifts slightly so their foreheads touch, and all it takes for her to close the gap is Costia whispering “Lexa,” into the air between them.
The kiss is soft and warm and familiar, and reminds Lexa of the third year winter formal, and it's not until Lexa slides her hand up Costia’s side to cup her breast that she pulls back.
“I’m sorry Lex. You’re upset, lets not do this. I’m graduating in a month, you’ll only regret it”
Lexa feels like crumbling, wants to tell her that it feels so right that she could never regret it, but instead she bites back her tears and nods. Costia kisses her gently once more, before pulling Lexa so her head rests on her chest.
Lexa dreams of kissing Costia, but part way through the dark curls turn blonde and her eyes crinkle differently and Lexa can’t pretend anymore.
VI.
That summer Clarke is spending time with her mother over Octavia’s birthday, and Lexa feels like she’ll be interrupting something if she goes alone, so she settles for a heartfelt note in a card, and the promise of a party when they’re back at school.
Costia graduates, and Lexa enters sixth year feeling a little lonelier.
—
Finn eventually breaks Clarke’s heart in the early spring, and Lexa’s the one she comes crying to.
They sneak out of their respective common rooms after curfew, and Lexa takes Clarke’s hand on the walk to the astronomy tower.
“What happened, Clarke?” Lexa asks as they settle against the wall.
Clarke sniffs, “He cheated.”
Lexa feels her blood boiling over the idea that someone could do that to Clarke, and she can’t hold back the venom in her words, “He’s a dick. You deserve so much better.”
Clarke nods slightly, but doesn’t reply, and Lexa untangles their fingers, instead wrapping an arm around Clarke and pulling her close.
They sit in silence, until Lexa can feel Clarke’s breathing even out, and she’s sure she’s asleep before she whispers into the darkness.
“Anyone would be lucky to have you.”
—
Clarke changes after their night in the tower, and it’s subtle but it’s there.
Lexa thinks she’s imagining it at first, Clarke seems to look at her longer than is necessary, and hold her hand when it really isn’t necessary, and she gives Lexa butterflies every time which is completely unnecessary.
She should probably talk to somebody about it.
—
After Slytherin beat Gryffindor in one of the most intense games of quidditch of the year, Lexa and Raven are snuck into the afterparty in the Slytherin common room. Clarke wanders off to get another drink, planting a kiss to Lexa’s cheek as she goes.
Lexa is about to ask Raven if she’s noticed the change in Clarke’s behaviour, but Raven’s eyes are glassy and fixed on the far side of the room, where Octavia is furiously making out with Lincoln.
“Hey, Raven, are you okay?”
Raven snaps back to the present. “What? Yeah I’m fine, why do you ask?”
“You look upset, are you sure?”
Lexa thinks the alcohol is loosening their tongues, because Raven seems to just give up on lying.
She sighs, visibly deflating. “Lexa, I’m not straight.” Lexa’s face must remain neutral because Raven continues, “I know you guys probably figured that out by now but,” she trails off.
Lexa reaches out an arm to rub gently across Raven’s shoulders. “Octavia?” She asks, even though she knows the answer.
Raven nods, gesturing vaguely in the direction of her and Lincoln, and Lexa’s heart almost breaks at how sad she looks. She pulls Raven into a hug.
“I’m so sorry Raven.” Raven squeezes back. “I know how it feels”.
They pull apart when Clarke shoves some firewhiskey shots in their faces, but Lexa catches Raven’s eye and the other girl smiles.
“Right ladies, let’s celebrate!”
Lexa notices how Raven laughs a little lighter than usual.
—
It’s the week before Lexa’s leaving school for the final time before seventh year. She’s finished her N.E.W.T.s and the sun is shining almost constantly, so she spends her afternoons lazing in the grounds with Clarke, Raven, and Octavia, and it feels like first year all over again. Clarke lies back so her head is in Lexa’s lap, closing her eyes contentedly, while Lexa braids small strands of her hair.
“Lincoln’s moving back to America this summer, since he’s graduated.” Octavia announces. “I think we’re going to break up.”
“You don’t sound upset about that, O”, Clarke observes.
“It’s been coming for a while. We’ve drifted apart a lot this year. It’s not a big deal.”
Lexa catches Raven’s eye, and she can tell she’s trying not to get her hopes up. Still, she doesn’t miss the smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
“Anyway, I have to go return a library book, it’s like a month overdue,” Octavia laughs.
“I’ll come with you.”
Lexa watches their backs as they leave, fingers scratching lightly across Clarke’s scalp.
Clarke sighs happily, “How long before Raven makes a move, do you think? I’m betting before the summer’s over.”
Lexa laughs. “I’m not going to bet on our friends, Clarke.”
They sit in a comfortable silence for a moment before Lexa speaks again.
“I hope it’s soon though. Raven’s been waiting long enough.”
Clarke sits up slowly. “And what about you?” She asks, almost a challenge.
“What about me?”
Lexa can guess what she means. Lexa thinks Clarke figured things out a long time ago. She doesn’t push it though, and Lexa’s half grateful.
(She’s also half disappointed).
Clarke stands, holding her hand out to help Lexa up.
“Come on, I’m starving. Lets go eat.”
She doesn’t drop their joined hands the whole way to the great hall.
—
Lexa’s parents take a business trip in the summer before her seventh year, so she finally invites Clarke to visit her in Wales.
Clarke arrives on a sunny day in mid July, and the wind catches her hair as she steps off the train. Lexa swears it’s like something out of a movie, and her breath catches in her throat.
Clarke hugs her tightly, burying her face in Lexa’s neck and mumbling “I missed you”.
“It’s only been like three weeks Clarke,” Lexa laughs, “but I missed you too.”
She tangles their hands together for the short walk from the station to Lexa’s house, because it would feel weirder if she didn’t.
Lexa could show Clarke everything there is to see in her part of Wales within two days, so they spend a lot of time just enjoying each other’s company. They walk round the countryside surrounding Lexa’s home, and into the small town nearby, but Lexa finds she’s equally content to read a book while Clarke sunbathes. It no surprise anymore that she enjoys her company.
Two nights before Clarke is due to leave, Lexa takes her to a pub where the staff know her family, so they’ll serve a seventeen year old without questioning it.
Lexa drinks enough that she feels it, but not enough that she won’t remember the night, and on the short walk home she has an epiphany.
“Clarke,” she says, halting suddenly, “Clarke I’ve just realised something.”
“What is it, Lex?” Clarke's eyes are drooping and her smile is lazy, and Lexa needs to catch her breath for a second.
“God, you’re beautiful.” That wasn’t what she meant to say, but in her alcohol induced haze it doesn’t seem wrong.
Clarke’s eyes light up and her smile grows, and Lexa thinks maybe it’s the best thing she could have said. “You’re just realising that?” She tries a wink but just blinks hard and Lexa can’t hold back a burst of laughter.
“No, no, I knew that forever. You’ve always been so beautiful. I just realised that I’m happy Clarke.”
“I’m happy too.”
“You make me so happy.”
Lexa reaches for Clarke’s hand and pulls her closer, laughing when she stumbles on the cobbled street.
“Lexa, are we-“ Clarke’s voice seems to fail her mid-sentence.
“I think we are.”
Lexa may be a little drunk, but in the past six years, nothing has seemed clearer to her than what she should do next.
She leans in, forehead barely touching Clarke’s, and the world seems to stop for a moment. Lexa feels like she’s living out every single clichéd romantic moment, and she doesn’t even care.
Her lips meet Clarke’s and the first year nervousness in her stomach disappears.
It feels like finally.
VII.
Lexa returns to school for the last time as ‘Clarke and Lexa’.
Everything has changed, but Lexa comes to the realisation halfway through her first term that no, it hasn’t really.
Sure, she kisses Clarke now, and once or twice they’ve done a little more than just kiss, but apart from that-
Clarke still holds her hand a lot, still gazes at her longer than she probably should, still gives Lexa so many butterflies, and she wonders if maybe they were always destined for this. Maybe this was coming ever since eleven year old Clarke helped eleven year old Lexa up on the train, and became her first friend.
Ever since Clarke took her stargazing, and dated Wells and Finn, and Lexa almost dated Costia, and all through their speculation about the love Raven and Octavia shared. Lexa thinks maybe all of it was just the buildup to the inevitable.
Either way, Lexa watches Clarke as the sun is setting and the Autumn wind blows her hair in her face, and she doesn’t regret a second of it.