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At first it was just a strange feeling. Then it was the presence and the nausea and the intrusive thoughts. Then all of a sudden it was talking to him.
Suguru was used to experiencing minor side effects when swallowing curses - it came with the territory. He was used to it. Even the grade-ones ones didn’t bother him much anymore. The nausea was normal, the overspill of whatever sorrow the curse came from was handled, the gross churning presence in his gut was easily ignored and never lasted more than an hour or two these days.
This time, however, was different. It wasn’t immediate. It wasn’t even out of the ordinary until he was halfway back to the dorms. Just a strange inkling in the back of his mind, something itching unpleasantly, something tugging his thoughts in unsavory directions. He was barely aware of it, on autopilot, floating in the fogged space between his-self and everything else.
The nausea didn’t arrive until he stepped onto campus. Usually that was what came first, so already things were a little strange, even for someone like Suguru. Then, when he saw Satoru across the training field, it spoke.
Ah, there he is. The six eyes. You should just get rid of him already.
Suguru froze in his tracks, forcibly yanked back into his body. The voice in his head was discordant and sinister. The thought was not remotely his own.
"Suguru?"
Suguru blinked. The sun was already setting. Satoru was standing in front of him. When had he gotten so close?
"Ah, sorry Satoru," Suguru greeted with a practiced smile, trying to shake off the ugly feeling that had begun to settle over him. "I was spacing out."
"You okay?" Satoru asked, tilting his head curiously.
Suguru felt like he barely saw him anymore. As much as he wanted to stay, just to ask how he was doing, he didn’t want Satoru to see him like this, with anger that wasn’t his own planted in his stomach.
"Yeah, just need a sec to re-group." Suguru started off toward the dorms, almost reaching out to squeeze Satoru’s shoulder. He stopped himself, knowing he’d just run into infinity. "I’ll be back soon," he promised, more to himself than to Satoru.
"Don’t take too long!" Satoru called after him.
The curse’s voice filled his head again.
You lied to him.
Suguru’s skin prickled at the intrusion. He forced himself to keep walking this time. It’s just a side effect of the curse he defeated, exorcised, consumed. It’ll wear off.
Ignoring me, are you?
"Ugh, shut up," Suguru grumbled under his breath. The curse laughed. A sharp pain pierced Suguru’s skull. He sucked in a breath and brought a hand to his head, wincing.
You’re pathetic.
Suguru trudged onward. The ugly feeling began to trickle down his spine and sink into his flesh. This one was oppressive, all-consuming inky black, cold, full of rage. The enraged ones were always the hardest to swallow. He made it to his room and quickly shut the door behind him.
Even more pathetic than that sorry excuse of a Gojo.
"Don’t talk about him like that," Suguru hissed. The curse laughed again and Suguru’s head throbbed. He staggered toward the bathroom, anticipating what he knew would come next. He tried to will the nausea to come to a head now and get it over with. Alas, that was yet another thing he couldn’t seem to control.
Look at you, all worked up over some good-natured teasing.
Nothing about this was good-natured, but Suguru didn’t want to indulge the curse with an argument. He pulled his hair down from its bun in hopes of relieving some stress from his head. Another wave of that all too familiar, ugly, cursed feeling washed up his spine and into his throat. Suguru clenched his jaw and braced his arms against the bathroom counter, glaring down at his knuckles.
Look up.
Suguru squeezed his eyes shut. The curse’s anger only seemed to turn into deafening anxiety in his head.
Look at yourself. You can’t hide. Might as well take a look, see how those eye bags are doing.
Suguru took the bait. God, he really does look pathetic. He hasn’t been eating enough and it’s already showing in the way his clothes hang from his weak form. All the exhaustion and ugliness swirled in his eyes. He barely recognized himself anymore.
Not doing so hot, are you?
Suguru closed his eyes again.
Open your eyes.
Suguru pounded a fist on the counter and glared at his reflection. "Shut up," he grit out through his teeth.
You should just end it now.
Suguru’s breath caught in his throat.
C’mon, you’ve thought it before.
He had. He’d thought about it a lot more than he’d ever admit.
No one will miss you.
"That’s not true," Suguru mumbled half-heartedly. He wished his voice weren’t so strained and weak.
What, you think your little friend will mourn you? He won’t even notice that you’re gone.
Suguru clenched his jaw so hard his teeth hurt. None of this was new. It was feeding off of him, off his own doubts and flaws and resentment. When he looked in the mirror like this, it was almost like his reflection was saying it to him. Why can’t he stop it?
Better yet, why don’t you take him out with you?
Suguru went still. His eyes widened in shock. All of a sudden it hurt to breathe.
You can’t protect him. But you could put him out of his misery. Really, it would be a mercy.
"He doesn’t need me to protect him," Suguru spat, choosing to ignore the rest of that line of thought.
Ah, that’s right. He doesn’t need you. He never has and he never will. You’ll never be strong enough for him.
"Shut up."
But you don’t need to be strong enough for him. You don’t need him to be powerful. You could kill everyone in this school and he wouldn’t even stop you, would he?
Suguru’s stomach turned. He tried to get in more air, to speak, but the curse just kept going.
You could destroy everything. You could upheave all of jujutsu society. You’ve thought about it plenty before.
"Stop it." The longer he stared, the less his reflection seemed to resemble him.
Don’t try to hide who you are. You’ve always had it in you. The rage. The need to hurt, to destroy, to consume. You should take it out on someone else for once instead of yourself.
"I’m not going to do that." Suguru wasn’t sure who he was talking to anymore. His voice was shaking.
Why not? Don’t you want them to feel the pain that you’ve felt?
Suguru’s arms suddenly began to sting beneath his sleeves. He jolted and grabbed at himself. They were too hot, prickling like a thousand tiny cuts. Suguru ripped off his jacket. Nothing was visibly wrong.
"Stop it!" He cried, clutching at his own skin. The curse laughed, so loud inside his head. His vision swam.
It’s all in your head! You can stop it at any time.
Suguru leaned on the counter again, breaths coming ragged.
You could stop me if you really wanted to. But you don’t. You think you deserve it, don’t you?
Suguru clenched his fists, scratching at the counter, growling in frustration. It certainly didn’t feel like he had any control.
Look at me.
Suguru stared down his reflection once more. It was a stranger in the mirror.
"I can’t do this anymore," he whispered. He felt so heavy.
I am you.
He believed it. He shook his head in denial anyway. His chest hurt. The very rage accused of him was overtaking his body.
You’re a curse, just like me.
Suguru threw a fist at his reflection. It connected and the mirror shattered with a deafening crash. Pain shot up his arm.
Suguru staggered back into the wall. Shards rained down onto the counter, spilling onto the floor. The curse laughed again and the pain stabbed in his skull from the inside out. Suguru let out a scream of frustration. He grabbed his head in his hands, squeezing his eyes shut again as he sank to the floor.
It’s a shame you don’t have reverse cursed technique. Then you wouldn’t have to hide your scars.
"Shut up, shut up, shut the fuck up!" Suguru cried, curling in on himself.
Don’t try to bury your anger. Let it out! You have weapons, you have power, get up! Do something!
Thick tears began to rise behind his eyes, every breath catching painfully in his ribs.
Through the turmoil, he sensed something else very familiar.
Ah, here he comes! He’s worried, can’t you tell? Now is the perfect time to take him out! He’ll let his guard down! You could kill him so easily. You know you could.
"No, no, no," Suguru repeated over and over, shaking his head and rocking himself back and forth like an asylum patient in a horror movie. He barely registered a knock on his bedroom door.
"Suguru?" Satoru’s voice reached his ears through the wall and the oppressive angry haze hanging around him. "You okay?"
Suguru wanted to tell Satoru he was fine. He wanted to tell him to get away from him, warn him that he wasn’t safe. He couldn’t move. The curse was cackling in his head, telling him to get ready, to deceive, to hurt.
"Suguru?"
Suguru shrank even further in on himself, wishing he could disappear into the floor. He faintly heard the door to his room opening. He couldn’t stop shaking.
Satoru’s energy approached in rapid footfalls. "Suguru!" His form crouched down next to Suguru.
"Don’t!" Suguru frantically put distance between him and Satoru before Satoru could reach him, scrabbling for purchase on the floor. Shards of the mirror clattered across the tile. He couldn’t bear to look at him, vision blurring with tears, heart pounding with terror. "Don’t touch me." His voice wobbled. The curse’s laughter was so loud, he could barely register anything around him.
"Suguru, what’s wrong?" Satoru cautiously scooted closer and reached for him. Suguru tried to shrink further into the wall. "Is it a curse?"
"I’m fine," Suguru choked out, hiding his face in his knees. He didn’t dare meet Satoru’s gaze when the curse was telling him to hurt, destroy, consume. "It’s better if I deal with this alone."
"Bullshit. Let me help you." Satoru’s hand touched the back of Suguru’s own.
Now! Strike now! Make him bleed like you have.
"No!" Suguru jerked away again. He couldn’t hear himself think. "I-I’ll hurt you."
"You’re not gonna hurt me." Satoru grabbed Suguru’s hands more firmly this time.
Can’t you smell the blood beneath his flesh? Don’t you feel how fragile a body really is? He probably wouldn’t even resent you if you killed him.
Suguru’s body reacted like he’d been burned, seizing up and pulling away again, harder and harder until he broke free. He curled in on himself, tucking his head to his knees and beneath his arms, making himself as small as possible.
"Stop, stop, please stop," he whimpered. He tried to muffle his sobs but it was no use.
Satoru was saying something softly and Suguru could barely hear him. Satoru’s hand landed on his shoulder and Suguru trembled even harder. Satoru gently pried his hands from where they were tearing at his hair. Suguru’s hands itched for something much less gentle and much more violent. He tried to say Satoru’s name, to warn him somehow, but all that came out was a strained squeak.
Satoru pulled him in close, holding him almost uncomfortably tight. Suguru was shaking so hard he couldn’t even push away anymore, his head falling onto Satoru’s chest, tears soaking his shirt. Satoru kept muttering to him, beginning to rock back and forth gently. Suguru could barely understand what he was saying. His whole body bristled, needle thin stabs of fear from every nerve at once.
Then Satoru’s tone seemed to smooth, soft and drawn out, resonating deep in his chest. Suguru struggled against the overwhelming scream of the curse, surfaced just enough to listen. He’s singing.
Suguru has never heard him sing. It’s low and breathy and raw. Suguru could feel the vibrations of his voice where he was lying against him. Suguru fought over the endless slew of curses, every muscle tight, ribs still spasming with sobs. The melody was soft and gentle, warm like being wrapped in a blanket. Suguru leaned impossibly closer, to submerge himself in the lullaby, to drown out his mind.
As he struggled to breathe, the curse faded, weakened. Either that, or Suguru was finally managing to focus on the sounds outside of his head. And he wouldn’t focus on anything else because Satoru was holding him and singing to him and his heart ached. He’d never known him so tender. All the darkness and hatred was forced away, and the gaping emptiness left behind was filled with warmth and love in the way only Satoru could manage. Suguru’s hollow bones began to fill again. His ribs made space for his heart to beat and his lungs to breathe.
After a long moment, Suguru’s sobs quieted, breath still shaking if he inhaled too fast. His eyes felt sore from crying. He could feel the discomfort from sitting on the hard floor for so long. He could still hear the curse in the back of his mind, reduced to an annoying tug, a lingering pulse of anxiety.
Satoru stopped singing and Suguru immediately felt the silence, or lack thereof, closing in on him.
Satoru probably felt him tense up again, squeezing him tighter. "Should I keep talking?" Satoru asked quietly. Suguru nodded against him, a silent plea to continue. "I’m gonna pick you up, okay?"
Satoru shifted and another distressed squeak escaped Suguru’s throat at the loss of warmth and pressure.
"I’ve got you," Satoru assured. He braced himself and held Suguru to himself again, slowly rising to his feet. Suguru clutched the fabric of his shirt, hands still trembling. "I got you, sunshine."
Suguru’s heart melted. He leaned into Satoru, squeezing his eyes shut. The bare skin of Satoru’s neck was warm against his forehead.
"Do you remember the last time I carried you like this?" Satoru continued, a lighter tone sneaking into his voice, musing over the memory. Suguru was sure he did, but as soon as he tried to do anything other than take in Satoru’s voice, the curse riled up again.
"You swallowed that special grade like it was nothing, then all of a sudden, halfway back to campus, you collapsed."
Suguru felt the motion of Satoru walking, and the next thing he knew, he was lowered onto his bed. Satoru clambered up over him, adjusted the pillows before lying down next to him and pulling him close. Suguru immediately hid his face in Satoru’s chest, wrapping his arms around him tight, afraid Satoru would disappear if he opened his eyes.
"I’d never been scared fighting a curse before," Satoru continued, holding Suguru just as tight. Suguru could feel his heartbeat, the resonance of his voice. His body finally began to relax. "But in that moment, I was terrified."
Suguru wished he could see Satoru’s face right now, but all at once he was too exhausted to move. He didn’t want to leave his hiding place. He’d stay here forever if he could, wrapped in the sky’s embrace.
Satoru’s hand carded through his hair. His reach cut far deeper than he would ever know. "The realization that I could lose you was more terrifying than any monster I’d ever faced."
A wave of emotion washed over Suguru; no more tight, quivering anxiety, just the all-encompassing ache that he’d come to associate with Satoru. It hurt more than any pain or sickness he’d taken into his body, and it was the one he’d come to crave over any sweetness or pleasure he knew of.
"Satoru," Suguru croaked, barely a whisper.
"Hm?" Satoru’s hand smoothed through his hair again.
"I…" Suguru wished he could press into Satoru’s soul, make a home between his ribs, kiss his love and adoration right into his heart. "Nothing."
"Hey." Satoru pulled back, placing a hand on the nape of Suguru’s neck.
Suguru reluctantly emerged from his burrow beneath Satoru’s chin to look up at him. Satoru smiled, the first tulips bloom of spring, the warm sky Suguru’s sun shined in. He cupped Suguru’s cheek in his hand, thumb brushing over his cheekbone. The universe softened under his gaze. Suguru saw every supernova in the reflection of his eyes. Every one ached, yearned, plucked his heartstrings and made them sing.
Suguru nuzzled back into Satoru’s chest, afraid he’d begin to cry again if he beheld the universe any longer. He felt Satoru chuckle.
"My sunshine," Satoru whispered into his hair.
Suguru hoped Satoru couldn’t feel the weak, bleeding beat of his heart the way Suguru felt Satoru’s solid and strong.
Satoru kept talking softly, reminiscing on the things that had carved his way into Suguru’s heart. Suguru clung to every word. He mouthed his own words into Satoru’s shirt, knowing they wouldn’t reach his ears, hoping they would reach his soul. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Satoru held him until he fell asleep, safe in his arms.
Even then, he stayed there, holding Suguru, listening to him breathe, playing with his hair. Satoru hadn’t been able to hold him in so long. If there was ever an opportunity, Suguru didn’t let him. Now he finally could refamiliarize himself with the latent warmth of Suguru’s body, even when the world was so cold to him. Lying there, he could finally feel close to him again. Just being able to hold him in his arms made everything worth it. Maybe Suguru would let him hold him all night. He hoped his heart wasn’t beating for him too loud, willing it to calm to a more soothing pace so as not to disturb Suguru.
Satoru’s peace was interrupted when he heard Yaga’s voice down the hall. His heart sank. He restrained the urge to squeeze Suguru tighter, silently begging fate to not rip him away from his warm, fiery light so soon. He’d only just gotten him back within reach.
He heard Yaga knock on the door to his own room across the hall. He kept his sigh as small as possible, resigned as Yaga’s footsteps approached. He pushed himself up the slightest bit, loosening Suguru’s grip on his waist. He paused, looking out at the door. He forgot he’d left it cracked open when he came to check on Suguru.
"Gojo, are you in there?"
For once, Satoru was appreciative of how polite Yaga always was on his first attempts to wrangle his students.
The door was pushed open slowly and Yaga poked his head in. "You’re needed for a-"
He cut himself off when he saw the two of them, tangled together on top of the covers. His shoulders slackened almost imperceptibly when he looked over Suguru’s sleeping form.
Satoru reluctantly began to push himself up more, but then Yaga held up a hand. "I’ll take care of it," he said quietly. He stepped out of the room and silently pulled the door shut.
Relief washed over Satoru and he let out a breath as he eased back down onto the mattress. Maybe he could afford to make less trouble for Yaga in class.
The movement roused Suguru and he stirred with a sleepy hum. Such a light sleeper.
"S’toru?" He mumbled.
"I’m here," Satoru replied, wrapping his arms around Suguru again. "Just got up to close the door."
Suguru seemed satisfied with the excuse, letting out another hum as he nuzzled further into Satoru’s chest. Satoru couldn’t help but smile, a warmth spreading beneath his ribs at how cute Suguru is when he’s sleepy. He wished he could hold him like this every night.
"You should sing more often," Suguru murmured into Satoru’s shirt. Satoru felt warmth in his face now, surely painting his cheeks bright red.
"Yeah?" He was glad Suguru wasn’t looking at his face right now, though his stuttering heart probably told the whole story anyway.
"You have a nice voice when you’re not being a brat."
Satoru laughed, trying not to laugh too much so he didn’t jostle Suguru, who was already drifting off again. He pulled Suguru impossibly closer and stopped himself from mindlessly saying I love you. It was such an automatic response in his head. I love you so so much. It became harder to hold in every time.
He wished he could tell Suguru how he felt. He wished he were strong enough to truly love him the way he deserves. He wished he could protect him from the things he buried under his skin for the sake of the cruel world around them.
He wished he were strong enough to give Suguru a choice. He wished that when Suguru could no longer take bearing the world’s curses, he could walk away, and the world would still be safe under Satoru’s protection. Because even if Suguru wasn’t fighting, they would still be the strongest together. If Suguru was by his side, even if he never touched a curse again, they would be the strongest together. He wished he could hand Suguru everything he could ever want on a silver platter. Even though the ache in his heart deepened with each passing second, he cherished every peaceful moment he could get with Suguru, his sun keeping the sky warm and bright. Satoru would let himself be burned if he could only keep Suguru close.
And finally, for the first time in far too long, Satoru fell into a peaceful slumber, grounded by the presence of his one and only. He would stay here forever if he could, wrapped in his embrace, always within reach, never apart.