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3 months have passed ever since the dreaded war against Noxus and Viktor’s horrid idea of his so-called “glorious evolution”, though it still felt like it happened just a couple days ago. Months since the world went to shit. Months since Caitlyn’s left eye was severely damaged and no hope of her regaining her eyesight on it. Months since Jayce and Viktor disappeared. Months since Ambessa’s passing. Months since Jinx…
Vi is perched at the windowsill of the living room, gazing out towards the currently recovering streets of Piltover, fidgeting with her hands and humming her mother’s lullaby, a coping mechanism she has been using for a while now, a way to also mourn and the only thing that could keep the memory of her mother and sister fresh in her mind. It’s not like she has anything else to remember them by except for the head of Jinx’s monkey bomb she used for her final explosion that Caitlyn gave her, which was lucky because even then, it was severely burnt but still recognizable. She now keeps it on her bedside table. The thought of her sister’s sacrifice and her father dying in front of her for the third time eats away at her. She closes her eyes as if that would help drown out her dark thoughts, but it only makes the image of them falling down the long, deep depths of the hexgates followed by the explosion from Jinx’s colorful bomb more vivid.
Along with these thoughts, came nightmares, panic attacks and sometimes anxious pacing around the Kiramman mansion. For the first couple of weeks, Vi couldn’t even bring herself to walk in close proximity to that damned tower without trembling whenever she goes out. Vi had reduced her drinking addiction dramatically, however she has been self-destructing at times by punching the non-existent life out of the punching bag at the home gym, but it sometimes wasn’t enough for her, then resulted to punching the floor without protection on her hands, knowing if she were to do that to the walls, they would more than likely not survive. Caitlyn had her own issues as well, her constantly keeping her gun close, still being anxious about someone breaking into the house and kidnapping her again, constant leg bouncing, nail biting and insomnia. Caitlyn grew tired of them both suffering and decided to bring a therapist over for the both of them after days of convincing her girlfriend. Soon after, Caitlyn was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder while Vi was diagnosed with PTSD.
The therapist came over daily and taught Vi how to deal with her symptoms, along with Tobias bringing an eye doctor over for Caitlyn for checkups and to help her manage her day to day life with now only one eye.
All of these passing days, yet Vi wonders why she hasn’t improved. She has began to assume that her startling awake in the middle of the night a couple times a week has become a burden, especially for Caitlyn since she’s the one to comfort her most of the time. She thought doesn’t deserve that after all the shit she’s been through the past several months.
I hate being weak.
I hate being vulnerable.
Why has nothing changed? Why aren’t I better?
I miss her. I miss him… No. Stop.
It’s not fair. You guys didn’t deserve this.
Please come back. Please. PLEASE. PLEASE!!
And just like that, Vi was back to the moment her baby sister fell to her death, her father’s, if she could even call the creature that anymore, claws wrapped around her midsection, back against the cold metal of the balloon’s collapsing propellers, screaming and sobbing until her throat gave out. It was even harder for her to break the news to Ekko once he found her, knowing she couldn’t even believe it herself. She begged for a search party to search through the rubble, but the pieces were far too large and heavy to search through and the places they could see came to nothing.
Vi bit her lip so hard it drew blood, her leg was violently bouncing and her hands stilled then quickly started trembling. She didn’t even realize tears were flowing down her face. As if it couldn’t get any worse, her ears started ringing and her vision got blurry. This was probably one of her worst panic attacks she’s had in several weeks. But why now?
At this point, she was hyperventilating with sobs in between her staggered breaths and has lost almost all of her senses around her. Was this what it’s like to feel close to dying? Was this was Jinx felt like when…
She’s gone… it isn’t fair. What the hell did ‘breaking the cycle’ mean? She was taken too soon. Why did she do it? I couldn’t protect her. It should’ve been me-
“VI!”
Before Vi could realize, she felt two hands on her shoulders and a voice, very muffled, was calling out what sounded like her name. Her vision was still blurry from both the panic and the tears filling her eyes, but she could make out the middle-length navy blue hair in front of her.
Was that…?
“Can yo-… me…”
That’s all Vi could hear. Her powder-blue eyes were shifting rapidly. Her heart felt like it was beating in her throat. She opened her mouth but nothing came out but a strained sob. She then felt the two hands on her shoulders slowly slide over to move her hands that she didn’t even know was in her hair in a white-knuckled grip, then she felt the comfortingly warm hands squeeze Vi’s own gently and could feel the thumbs brushing the back of her palms. The ringing in her ears started to ease off a bit, her blurred sight followed. She could now see who was speaking to her.
“I need you to breathe, Violet. Breathe with me.”
Caitlyn was sat right in front of Vi, her voice so gentle. It felt more like home. Like music to her ears that she would hear when she would sneak into opera houses with Powder.
…Powder…
“Take a breath. Come back to me.” She instructed once more. She slowly moved a hand towards the back of Vi’s head, careful not to make sudden movements and startle her, then guides her forehead, now damp with sweat, to touch with her own.
“Like this.” Caitlyn starts to take exaggerated breaths as a guide for Vi to follow. “I… I can’t C-Cait… it h-hurts…” Vi chokes up. “I know, love, I know. But I need you to try.” It hurt Caitlyn to see her girlfriend like this, usually such a strong, bold and straightforward woman was hunched over and trembling. It brought tears to her own eyes- well, eye, but it also relieved her a bit at the thought that Vi was her safe space. Only Caitlyn could see her like this, shrouded from the rest of the world.
“Breathe. Remember your exercises.”
Vi finally mustered up the courage to follow Caitlyn’s breathing, her hand on Vi’s cheek with her thumb gently stroking over her tattoo. “That’s it, darling. Keep going. I’m right here.” Tears were still sliding down Vi’s face but Caitlyn wiped them away instantly, then her breathing eventually slowed.
That’s right…
She’s my home now. She’s all I have…
Finally, Vi’s panic subsided, exhaustion stepping in its place. Still taking deep breaths, her eyes slowly closed as she shifted to lean on Caitlyn and let her head rest on the crook of her neck. Caitlyn planted a soft kiss into Vi’s dark pink hair. It was getting pretty long, but Vi told her she wanted to let it grow out, try something new.
“You’re doing so well, Violet. Take a few more breaths.”And Vi did just that. Caitlyn slowly rocked them back and forth. Vi felt like a child again, when the world would become too much for her, either her mother or Vander would pull something like this…
Vander…
I miss you so mu-
“Don’t spiral again. Focus on me.” Caitlyn gently warned. Vi gathered up the strength to look Caitlyn in her eye, and took her final round of deep breaths. “I… I think I’m okay now, Cait.” Vi’s voice still sounded a little shaken up, but much better than a couple minutes ago.
Caitlyn sits with her for a few more minutes to make sure her panic doesn’t come back, her leg lightly bouncing the whole time, then she stands up. “Here, let me get you a glass of water. I’ll be back in a second.” Caitlyn gave Vi’s hand another gentle squeeze as she headed for the kitchen.
Leaving Vi alone, this gave her time to reflect. Sinking deep into thought, but more carefully and wearily this time. The warmth of the fireplace finally settling in, the late afternoon light shining into the living room hitting her eyes. Everything she can feel grounding her. This brought her to think about one question that has stuck with her for years:
What did I do to deserve this?
It was only then Vi remembered her sister’s words:
“You deserve to be with her.”
“You don’t have to feel guilty about feeling happy.”
She then saw a flash of blue out the window walk by. Vi whipped her head around to look and to her own shock, she found Jinx, standing just outside the entrance of the Kiramman mansion. However, to Vi’s dismay, she immediately found out that it was just one of her occasional hallucinations like that time in the bar or when she was out pit fighting. The outlines of her sister look blurred, confirming her suspicion. She did see her lift her arm, her hand forming a gun sign, and did her signature ‘pew’ at her.
Vi was too lost in her fantasy to even let out any emotion, so with a blank face, she does the gesture back to her, making the Jinx hallucination smile before disappearing after Vi blinks, only coming to realize that her sister gave a genuine blessing to her. She wanted her big sister to be happy, to put herself before others for once. A singular tear falls down her face, still holding a blank expression.
She then heard soft footsteps pattering against the wooden floor. Caitlyn returned with the glass of water she promised, worry still very visible on her face. “Here, love. Drink. It will help with your throat.” Vi gazed out the window one last time before lifting her barely shaking hand and grasped the cold cup, Caitlyn’s hand still holding on to it on the off chance that Vi’s hand gave out, and guided it to her lips. She took a few sips and felt the cool water soothe the burning sensation in her throat. Caitlyn then took the cup and placed it to the closest coffee table then returned her attention back to her exhausted girlfriend.
“Do you want to talk about it, love? What triggered it this time?” Caitlyn moved a hand to stroke Vi’s upper back. “I… just thought back to that day again… guess it got too much for me.” Vi absentmindedly fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. “Oh, Violet. I’m so sorry.” Caitlyn apologized. “No, I’m sorry, Cait. I hate to be a burden on you.”
“Violet,” Caitlyn grasped both of Vi’s hands once again. “don’t you dare apologize for something you can’t control.” Caitlyn’s voice soft but also firm, she ran her thumbs over Vi’s rough, healing knuckles. Vi stared off into the distance out the window once again and a brief moment of silence passed until she spoke again. “Why am I not better? It’s been 3 damn months.” Caitlyn gave her a sympathetic look “You’re healing, Vi. You can’t just expect this to go away just like that. This is years of trauma we’re talking about.” “But-“ Caitlyn shushes Vi before she could form her sentence.
“Vi, you have suffered so much, ever since you were a child. The trauma you’ve endured between then and now is too much for the human body to handle, so it was inevitable those experiences were going to break you in the long run. I have contributed to that hurt, and I am so sorry and will always regret my actions. But when you do break, that’s why I’m here. I’ll be your support. I’ll be the umbrella on your rainy days. You deserve nothing less than to be taken care of and that is what I’m here to do, like you do with me on my bad days. We’re here for each other. So please, allow yourself heal, my darling. Please.”
Caitlyn bringing her lips to Vi’s calloused hands along with her meaningful, genuine words was the final straw. Something inside her shattered. One tear started to fall, then another. Next thing she knew, she latched on to Caitlyn and started sobbing. Caitlyn peppered kisses all over her head while rubbing her back. “That’s it, let it out. It’s okay.”
Vi already knew she could trust Caitlyn with everything she has. She proved herself time and time again that she will never hurt her again. And Gods, she loved her so much for that, and Caitlyn loves her deeply too. Their relationship was not perfect, it’s healing and that’s the beauty of these types of things.
Caitlyn started humming something. Something familiar. It was her mother’s lullaby. Vi sniffed and ever so softly chuckled at the fact that she hummed the song so many times, Caitlyn managed to memorize the whole tune. It’s like she was brought back home again.
Home?
My home is with her.
My Caitlyn.
“How about I run you a bath, hm? I can add the salts and scents you love to calm your mind. How does that sound?”
Vi sniffs and wipes the remainder of her tears on her cheeks. She sits back up, eyes still red and puffy, but she manages to crack a slight smile.
“If only you’ll join me, cupcake.” Vi reaches out and tucks a stray hair behind Cait’s ear, closest to her covered eye.
“Whatever you need to heal, Violet, I will provide.”