Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Was it everything you ever wanted?”

“With you by my side, it was.

Because it was always you.”

Saitama Prefecture, June, present time (1 month post-breakup)

A lone rose plant sits in the center of Isagi’s windowsill. For months it’s been growing steadily, absorbing the rays of sunlight that have grown increasingly potent as the days dip into summer. 

Careful handwriting adorns the edge of the pot in a flourish of letters: Mein Schatz.

The words gleam as Isagi opens the door to his room, backpack on his shoulders and water bottle in hand. He pauses to change out of his outside clothes, and a shadow falls over the plant as he purposefully ignores glancing at it. 

Time and time again Isagi has told himself he’d give it away. Logically speaking, keeping mementos of an ex-boyfriend will do more harm than good—especially with how things ended between them. But some tender, delicate part within him stubbornly refuses, still clutching on to the innocent hope that everything will fall into place one day. 

New York, September, 9 months ago

A few leaves flutter down onto the floor as Kaiser snips them off. The autumn moon camellias are in full bloom, luminous and glowing as beautifully as their name. Tomorrow he’ll need to collect a few samples for his botany class. 

Fourth year has had elements both expected and unexpected. While his weekly shifts at the glasshouse have been a constant during his undergraduate studies, the botany professor in charge completely surprised him yesterday—he’d been offered a spot in her research laboratory for graduate school. 

The blades of his shears click together with a snap, and he leans back on his heels to survey his work. Gardening is laborious, hands-on work, but with dedicated patience and effort the rewards are their own type of beauty. It’s something Kaiser has learned with practice over the years. When he was younger, he had the habit of waking up just before sunrise to visit their backyard. His mother’s silhouette would be the first thing he saw as his eyes adjusted to the faint natural light. 

The memory is so vivid it’s nearly tangible. Fingers curled into the soft grass, he’d splay out on the ground beside her, absorbing every detail as she planted seeds that eventually gave way to magnificent flora with sprawling vines and fragrant blooms.

As he leaves the glasshouse and sanctuary of plants behind, a gust of air hits him from the outside, carrying along the scent of incoming rain. The walk home is drizzled with a dusting of mist, and when Kaiser settles down for bed later that night, the question of what the future holds is a fleeting thought on his mind. 

Isagi is running late. So, so late. He’ll be lucky if he can catch the last fifteen minutes of his first class—this morning he overslept and completely blew past his alarm. 

Around him, the claustrophobic press of students clamoring to get off the bus nearly threatens to knock him off balance. Luckily, he manages to weave his way through the sea of backpacks, past the open doors, and breaks into a run. The battery icon on his phone flashes dangerously low as he sprints across campus, wind ripping across his jacket as he curses.

He really should have checked where the classroom was beforehand. Usually that’s exactly what he does before the beginning of every school year, scouting out the buildings before the official start of the semester. But this summer break he took an extended stay back home in Japan to spend more time with his parents and friends. 

Isagi doesn’t dare risk pulling out his phone right now to check for directions—for one, he might crash into someone if he’s distracted for long enough, and he has neither the time nor mental capacity to deal with that right now. And since he forgot to charge it last night, it’s bound to die any moment. Instead, he haphazardly follows the campus signs posted along walkways and intersections, until the multi-coloured doors of the botany building finally come into view.

Once he’s inside, he bursts into the stairwell and starts climbing the stairs two at a time, not bothering to look for the nearest elevator. Room 358 is what he’s searching for.

The hallway is nearly empty on the third floor. After a few wrong turns, Isagi eventually ends up in the right place. His hand is reaching for the doorknob, about to swing the door open, when someone else beats him to it.  

A woman with copper-pink hair—who he realizes is Dr. Teieri, having recognized her from the faculty’s website—stands on the other side. She raises her eyebrows in surprise. “Are you here for Botany 407?”

When he nods, she continues. “You must be Isagi Yoichi then.” In her hand is an attendance sheet, and with a sinking feeling in his stomach he sees that he’s the only absence. Behind her the classroom is empty, lights turned off and whiteboard blank. “We finished today’s material early, but I did assign lab partners. Come with me to my office and we can discuss the details.” 

Dr. Teieri leads them through a set of double doors, across a clear walkway that overlooks the west side of campus. From here he can see the glint of what he presumes to be a glasshouse sitting several hundred meters away.

The first thing he notices about her office is the sheer number of floral arrangements adorning the shelves and windowsill. Living and dried, they paint her space in a dreamy wash of colour. A cluster of lavender stalks rustling in the breeze perfumes the room in a soft, pleasant scent.

“You’ll need the contact information of your lab partner since there’s an assignment due next week.” She quickly jots down something onto a piece of paper. “He said I could pass this on to you. I was going to send you an email before we ran into each other.” 

Isagi spends a few more minutes talking with Dr. Teieri, promising he’ll be on time in the future, and then he excuses himself from her office. 

The campus is flowing with life today, brimming with the chaotic energy that seems to always stem from first-year students. A cyclist barely manages to avoid crashing into him as he fishes out the note from his pocket. 

Michael Kaiser, it reads. Below the name is a phone number. 

He puts it back and turns in the direction of the glasshouse he spotted earlier. There’s about an hour before his next class, and Isagi would rather spend it exploring.

When he arrives, he sees that the door to the glasshouse is propped open. Pale blooms curl along the walls closest to him, and he recognizes hydrangeas as one of the species. In front of him is a maze of flowering bushes and plants, and they sway ever so slightly in the warm air like living, breathing gemstones.

It’s an entirely different world here, and nothing short of mind-blowing as he walks through the space. Whoever tends to this place has an incredible eye for detail. 

The sound of a squeaky tap draws him out of his musings. Isagi peeks his head out from behind an azalea shrub to investigate, and the blue tail ends of someone’s hair flutter just beyond his angle of view. 

Water sloshes into the watering can as Kaiser fills it up. This morning has not been off to a great start. While he usually looks forward to any course Dr. Teieri teaches, the bastard who was supposed to be his lab partner failed to show up, leaving all the work to him for their first in-class assignment.

Steadily, carefully, he lifts a tray and makes his way over to the center of the glasshouse. Today he’s planting rose seedlings. Kaiser has spent so many hours in this place that he knows its layout like the back of his hand. It's calm now, with only a faint hum whirring quietly from the fans. 

As he glances over his shoulder, he suddenly comes face to face with a complete stranger, and it jolts him out of his thoughts, effectively startling him. 

Kaiser doesn’t scream. Instead, he loses his grip on the tray he’s holding. Soil goes flying everywhere and he promptly releases every curse known to man, with a few choice words in German. 

He glares at the person now in front of him, who immediately freezes under the weight of Kaiser’s icy glare as he blurts out an apology. Kaiser has never seen him before. Unless he’s a new hire, he doesn’t have authorized access to this space. His eyes find the student ID card hanging from the stranger’s keychain, and he can just barely make out the words from this distance. 

Isagi…Yoichi. The exact name of the person who was missing from his botany class this morning.

Kaiser scans Isagi’s figure again. Gives him a thoroughly assessing gaze, before narrowing his eyes. 

Isagi, as if sensing the hostility radiating from him, only stiffens further. He’s mortified. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to make you drop your—”

Kaiser cuts him off. “Did you enjoy skipping Botany 407 today?” 

It takes Isagi a moment to register what he means. “How do you know I’m taking that course?” Then the implication of what Kaiser said clicks in his brain, and he squints suspiciously at him. “You’re the person I was paired up with?”

“Not even a thank you for completing all those worksheets. You know, it’s pretty difficult to miss three hours of class. I would have expected Dr. Teieri to pair me up with someone who actually has a brain.”

Isagi scowls, confusion giving way to annoyance. That was a pretty forward thing to say, given that they’d just met. “I had some trouble finding my way to the classroom.” He leaves out the part where he slept an hour past his alarm, because Kaiser is giving him a particularly withering look and he’s irritated enough already. Such a flattering first impression. He can’t wait to get over his jet lag.

Kaiser raises one perfect eyebrow at him, and that gesture alone carries more contempt than he’s ever held in his entire life. In that moment, he can almost hear the question running through Kaiser’s mind, and it’s ‘Are you fucking stupid?’  

Isagi briefly entertains the idea of shoving a fistful of soil down Kaiser’s shirt or spraying him with the garden hose, before remembering that he must put up with him for the rest of the semester. Instead, he forces a smile through gritted teeth. Not even two minutes have passed since running into Kaiser and he already can’t wait to get out of here. “Well, I would say it’s been a pleasure to meet you, but that would be an outright lie. Are you free sometime tomorrow to complete the pre-lab assignment for next week?” 

“Unfortunately, yes.” Kaiser makes no attempt to hide the disdain in his voice. 

“Great. I’ll text you later.” Isagi doesn’t want to spend a single second longer than necessary in this place with him.

The tray that Kaiser dropped earlier and its contents are still strewn across the floor. He crosses his arms, looking down at the mess before waving a hand at Isagi. “Are you going to pick these up or am I going to have to do this myself?” 

Isagi smiles sweetly at him. “I have a class to get to that I can’t be late for. I’m sure you understand.” 

The glasshouse door swings shut behind him, and Kaiser is left glaring daggers at his disappearing figure.

Isagi stares at his phone. He’s definitely going to regret this. He waits until there’s a pause in the lecture before opening his messaging app and typing in Kaiser’s phone number.

He rolls his eyes in exasperation and shoves his phone back into his pocket. Whatever. At least he tried. Once his initial annoyance wore off, he felt bad about leaving Kaiser to deal with the chaos on the floor, especially since he completed today’s in-class work all by himself. 

When his lecture is over, Isagi sees that Kaiser has sent him another text, one about meeting up for their pre-lab assignment. After several thinly veiled jabs at one another, the two of them agree to meet in the main library. 

The bus ride back home is a blur, and he resists the temptation to take a nap the instant he walks into his bedroom. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

Sunlight warms Kaiser’s face as he reaches the top floor of the library, where the sunroof floods the space in a golden halo of heat. This worksheet should at most take forty-five minutes. He gave it a cursory glance last night—the majority of it is an introduction to the biochemical processes behind germination.  

Kaiser scans the area for a dark head of hair and sees a telltale sprout poking out from one of the aisles. Isagi’s face is buried in a microscopy textbook. Too engrossed to notice his surroundings, he doesn’t realize Kaiser is standing near him until he reaches from behind and snaps Isagi’s book shut. 

Kaiser observes amusedly as Isagi yelps, spinning around to fix him with a scowl. “I was in the middle of reading that.” 

“That’s nice. We have an assignment to complete, if you recall.” He leads them to a table by the window as Isagi mutters under his breath and calls him a few unsavoury names.

For the first ten minutes, they are shockingly unproductive. Despite his earlier words, Kaiser seems hell-bent on distracting Isagi as he works on the first question. 

Ignore him, Isagi tells himself, not even bothering to ask Kaiser for his input. The lead on his pencil snaps as he feels a hand twirling a few strands of his hair, and he turns his head to glare at Kaiser. 

Two royal blue eyes curve up at him in amusement. Maybe Kaiser’s sole reason for showing up today was to spite him by contributing nothing. He stiffens as Kaiser leans in closer, and the grin on Kaiser’s face widens.

He’s too close. Close enough for Isagi to see the flecks of gold in his irises, which only seem to stand out more with the scarlet lining his eyes. Kaiser’s makeup is pristine, and he wonders what it would take to ruin it. 

…What the hell is he thinking? 

Isagi slaps his hand away. “Are you planning on adding anything to this response?”

The smirk doesn’t disappear from Kaiser’s face. “No, I don’t think I will.”

Thirty minutes. Isagi is going to give himself thirty minutes to finish this worksheet, and then he can forget about this class until Tuesday.

He lasts fifteen more minutes. At this point, Kaiser has switched to a different method of annoying him, which consists of questioning every single one of his answers and demanding his rationale for them.

“You need to be able to provide evidence for any claim you make,” he singsongs as Isagi counts backwards from ten in his head. 

“Oh, forget it. I’m going to hand this in as it is,” Isagi snaps. “It doesn’t say we need to provide an explanation, and if Dr. Teieri asks, I'm more than capable of backing up my work.” He yanks the zipper on his backpack shut before standing up to leave. 

Kaiser hasn’t moved an inch. He just continues to sit there, chin resting in his palm as he watches Isagi with an air of satisfaction radiating from him. “Don’t sleep in on Tuesday, Yoichi,” is all he says as Isagi stalks towards the stairs. 

The only response he receives is Isagi’s middle finger.

Tuesday’s lab starts off a lot more smoothly than Isagi could have hoped for. He arrives fifteen minutes early, which is a massive improvement from last week. After a moment of consideration, he decides to sit at one of the front tables by the whiteboard.

In the time that passes, Isagi prepares his notebook and sets up the shared microscope. At exactly 8:58am Dr. Teieri walks in, and he’s surprised to see Kaiser next to her, the two of them seemingly wrapping up a discussion. He doesn’t have much time to dwell on it though, because Kaiser’s gaze falls on him and he instantly loses his train of thought. 

“Look who decided to show up today,” Kaiser remarks as he slides into the seat next to Isagi. The scowl that crosses Isagi’s face is almost immediate, and for a brief, fleeting moment Kaiser has the ridiculous thought that it is cute.  

How odd. He blinks, only half-paying attention as Isagi opens his mouth to tell him off. 

Dr. Teieri begins class before he can respond. With a huff, Isagi turns to the front and does his best to ignore the tapping of Kaiser’s pencil behind him.

Today’s content is about scanning electron microscopy. They take notes as Dr. Teieri explains electron excitation and the emission of secondary electrons, and the advantages of mapping out the 3D structure of a sample using this technique.

At around the halfway mark, she reveals that their in-class assignment today will be to observe flower pollen under their compound microscopes, before comparing the images to ones obtained from a scanning electron microscope. While each person must prepare their own slides, the observations from every lab pair should be submitted together. 

Kaiser, for the most part, is far less insufferable than he anticipated. Isagi wonders if Dr. Teieri’s presence has anything to do with it. What he doesn’t know is that Dr. Teieri is one of the few professors Kaiser genuinely enjoys learning from. With the offer to study under her supervision for graduate school next year, he’s even less interested in fooling around during her class. 

The lecture portion of the lab ends and they’re directed to the tray of specimens in the back of the room. While Isagi would not call himself particularly fast at preparing slides, this certainly isn’t his first time. Only a handful of other people have finished when he settles the cover slip over his sample. He’s about to reach for the microscope between him and Kaiser when he realizes that Kaiser is already examining his own flower pollen. 

He glances to his left, noticing Isagi’s pause in movement, and takes a few seconds to write down the last of his observations before leaning back from the microscope. “Let me know when you’re done,” is all he says, and Isagi would’ve thought he was being nice if it weren’t for the condescending glint in eyes.

Bastard. This isn’t a race. Despite this, Isagi and Kaiser are the first pair to submit their worksheet. 

Dr. Teieri beams at them as she looks over their assignment. “Well done, both of you. Michael, I’ll see you this afternoon to continue our talk from earlier.” 

“Looking forward to it.” Kaiser excuses himself and leaves the room. Isagi is about to do the same when his professor turns to him. 

“Isagi, if you don’t mind staying a few minutes after class, do you have time to chat for a bit?” Upon seeing his worried expression, she reassures him. “You’re not in trouble.”

Shortly after, Isagi finds himself once again sitting across Dr. Teieri in her office. She smiles openly at him. “I was a bit vague earlier, but I was hoping to get a sense of your career plans after graduating. Do you aim to start working right out of school or pursue further education?”

A simple question which is both straightforward and difficult to answer at the same time. Isagi shifts in his seat. “I’m definitely planning on getting at least a master’s degree, but the truth is I still haven’t decided where I’ll study. Here, or back in Japan.”

His professor observes him thoughtfully. “The reason I’m asking is because last semester I happened to visit one of my colleague’s classes. Biology 435, where his students were showcasing their projects to their peers.” At this, Isagi perks up, and she continues. “I was quite impressed with the work you presented, and even more surprised when I learned you were a third-year at the time.

And despite last week’s absence, you displayed a strong work ethic in the lab today. For next week’s pre-lab assignment, I’ve given much more open-ended questions, which are in fact related to research projects I intend on offering to select undergraduate students.” 

Isagi catches on. Dr. Teieri is considering extending an offer to him, depending on how he performs. This is an opportunity to gain research experience, work with graduate students in her lab, and conduct experiments with much more freedom.

“I’d like to see what you’re capable of, Isagi.”

This time it’s Kaiser who scares Isagi shitless in the glasshouse. He spots Isagi first, who has his back to him and is cupping a bloom of autumn crocuses in hand. 

Three weeks have passed since the start of the term. Despite his first impression, Isagi is easier to work with than expected, although he can’t deny that it’s also incredibly entertaining to rile him up. He’s seen the way Isagi introduced himself to their classmates, the friendly glow that seems to radiate from his face whenever he strikes up a conversation with them. There have been hints of that warmth when he talks with Kaiser too, but it’s drastically reduced, especially after Kaiser starts getting on his nerves. 

Regardless, they’re both performing well in Dr. Teieri’s course. He’s become used to seeing Isagi at his lab table these days. 

He can’t say he hates it. Kaiser doesn’t know what that says about him, only that Isagi Yoichi is an unpredictable variable he had not accounted for in his final year of university.

After staring at Isagi’s figure for what feels like an eternity, Kaiser stealthily treads closer. He waits until he’s standing directly behind him, shadow absent in the bright noon sunlight, and loudly clears his throat. “Those flowers are poisonous, you know.”

There are few sights in the world Kaiser would consider paying for, but Isagi’s screech as he stumbles forward might just be one of them. He all but jumps out of his own skin, narrowly avoiding crushing the crocus stems by an inch.

Isagi shoots him a glare that’s borderline murderous. “What the hell is your problem?”

“I could ask you the same thing. You’re not supposed to be inside here unless you have a keycard or written permission of a staff member. Which, as I recall, you don’t.”

Isagi crosses his arms. “And if I do? Do I get to throw dirt at you?”

Kaiser spreads his hands out in a mock-placating gesture. “By all means, be my guest. I highly doubt you—” 

He’s abruptly cut off by Isagi waving something in his face. It takes a second for his brain to register what it is, and when he does, he wishes he’d kept his damned mouth shut. Isagi is flaunting it with a smugness that makes him want to strangle him. Something in his mouth sours as Isagi smirks at him, and he watches, incensed, as Isagi reaches down to scoop up a handful of soil.

Since when did Isagi get his own keycard to the glasshouse? Kaiser’s dismay only grows when he realizes that the plants next to him are freshly watered, which will be a less than pleasant sensation against his clothes and skin. 

Isagi takes one step forward and Kaiser fiercely resists the urge to step back as he imagines that dirt getting embedded in his fringe. He just got his hair touched-up yesterday. “Don’t even think about trying it, Yoichi.”

Isagi’s gaze glitters with malice. He’s clearly enjoying watching Kaiser squirm. “Shouldn’t have spoken so carelessly then.”

He doesn’t give Kaiser a chance to respond before he shoves soil directly into his face. It’s cold, wet, and messy, but the most vexing part of it is that he can hear Isagi bursting into laughter. 

Kaiser rakes a hand through his bangs, flinging portions of the dirt out, and decides all hell is about to break loose. A few metres away lies the garden hose, and he stalks back to where Isagi is still snickering. What he fails to notice is Kaiser opening the nozzle on the hose. 

“Hope you enjoy getting blasted,” he sneers, and Isagi has the decency to look alarmed right before Kaiser slams him with the strongest jet of water.

Isagi yelps, ducking behind a flower bush as he covers his head. Kaiser is about to follow him, fury still igniting his veins, when someone else enters his field of vision.

Shit.

Dr. Teieri stands in between them, radiating disbelief. “Michael! Isagi! This is not the behaviour I expect from two members of my lab.” She casts them a fierce look of disapproval, and they immediately snap to attention.

“Turn that off immediately,” she orders, pointing to the hose in Kaiser’s grasp, and the dread on Isagi’s face mirrors his own.

He can only begin to guess at how much trouble they’re in.

“What happened to you?” Sae glances up at Kaiser as he enters the locker room, and he just continues to stare. He’s never seen Kaiser with so much as a strand of hair out of place in all the years he’s known him, and now he's walking around with what looks like a pot of soil buried in his roots. 

“I had a disagreement with my lab partner,” is all Kaiser offers, which is the understatement of the century. He sullenly picks out the dried chunks of dirt from his hair, inwardly cursing himself for leaving his extra hairbrush at home.

“I take it you lost?” 

The look on Kaiser’s face darkens. “I may have drenched him with the garden hose. After which our professor walked in and witnessed the whole thing.”

Ah. No wonder he’s so irritated. “He sounds pleasant. I wouldn’t happen to know him, would I?” 

“If you know someone named Isagi-fucking-Yoichi, I would save yourself the headache and stay five miles away from him.”

Kaiser is in the middle of lacing his spikes when Sae responds. He doesn’t catch the surprised raise of his eyebrows, but he can hear the faint amusement in his voice. 

“Oh, Isagi. I was the teaching assistant for one of his classes last year.”

Isagi needs to slow down on the coffee. He’s on his third drink of the day and it’s four-thirty in the afternoon. 

He also has an interview with one of his top-ranked research labs in Tokyo University at 11pm. Time differences are a real pain in the ass. 

Next to him, Sae parses through his slide deck, detailing Isagi’s previous research experience. “I would clean up this figure here. Make the individual data points visible and shorten the caption. You can elaborate when you’re presenting this slide.”

A steady tapping drums against the edge of the table as Isagi fidgets restlessly. Sae has seen these types of nerves on him before. When it was time for him to present his research project in Biology 435, Sae made the mistake of visiting him with the grading rubric in hand. He almost gave his student a fucking heart attack. So much for calming him down.

Isagi sips the last of his coffee and stands up to order another. 

Sae frowns at him. “I think you need a break.” He’s seriously going to give himself heart palpitations if he doesn’t lay off the caffeine. 

The words seem to go straight through Isagi’s head. He’s already taken his wallet out. “No, I need to—”

“How are you getting along with Kaiser?” 

This has its intended effect, because Isagi pauses, fixing Sae with a confused look. “You know him?”

“We’re on the track and field team together. He happened to tell me about your altercation the other day.” 

Isagi hesitates, torn between sending his blood pressure to the stratosphere or sitting back down.

He slides the chair out. “When he’s not being a total jackass—which is most of the time when I’m around him —I can see why our professor offered him a position in her graduate lab. He has a brilliant mind and an eye for complicated analyses. I was able to see some of his project work yesterday.” Sae doesn’t think he imagines it when he sees the faintest blush dusting the tips of Isagi’s ears. “A pretty face that I’d like to punch sometimes as well. But for the most part, he can be quite difficult to work with.”

Sae studies him for a few moments as he contemplates what to say. Even though he considers himself one of Kaiser’s closer friends, it did take them a while to reach this point. “I think he’ll warm up to you eventually, if you give it time.” 

Sunday rolls around, and Isagi takes a break from studying to go for a walk. He has his lab on Tuesday morning with Kaiser, and it’s going to be awkward if he doesn’t get this over with. Hopefully Kaiser doesn’t give him the cold shoulder. 

For some reason, Isagi finds himself suppressing a smile after texting Kaiser.

Whoever writes these scientific textbooks needs to get their brain checked. This amount of jargon cannot possibly be legal, and what’s even worse is the astronomical price they charge students for this work. 

Isagi feels himself losing brain cells as he looks up yet another definition for a term he has never heard of before. Just two more pages to get through. Two more pages, and he can get out of this study room and not think about school for the rest of the evening. 

His eyes begin to glaze over the sentences. 

Bachira, his roommate, is cooking tonight. They went over potential dishes this morning and decided on yakisoba, which is fairly simple in terms of preparation, but Isagi would still like to get home early and help him cut vegetables. 

He’s interrupted from his work when a person abruptly barges into his space. “Hey, I’ve booked this place for the next two hours, make sure you’re out—”

Kaiser stares at him with an expression Isagi would find offensive, except he’s directing the exact same one back at him. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I still have this room for five more minutes, smartass. Wait until I’m done.”

Much to his annoyance, Kaiser dumps his schoolbag on the chair adjacent to him. “Oh, I won’t bother. We can just share a room.” He hovers over Isagi’s shoulder, not noticing how the tail ends of his hair brush against the back of Isagi’s neck. “Doing readings for the week?”

Suddenly Isagi feels much more alert than earlier. “This one passage has been taking me ages.”

“Well, that’s understandable.” Kaiser is now sitting down, focused on his own assignments. “Not all of us are gifted with an aptitude for research.” 

Isagi tilts his head back, willing himself to not turn his textbook into a flying projectile. “Are you always this encouraging? You should consider a side gig as a motivational speaker.”

Kaiser studies him from the corner of his eye, a quip on the tip of his tongue. Isagi is scowling at his textbook, the sides of his hair pushed back as his hands press against the edges of his face. 

He tries not to give the thought much attention, but his gaze seems to be drifting a lot towards Isagi lately. 

The two of them study in silence, uninterrupted save for the flipping of pages and scrawling of notes. It’s an unexpected but pleasant surprise for Isagi, who fully expected Kaiser to start shit within the first five minutes. Maybe they’re both overly tired today. 

Kaiser makes good progress on one of his lab reports, working out the mechanism for a reaction and neatly tabulating the data. He assumes around half an hour has passed when Isagi suddenly jolts in his seat, swearing loudly. 

“I have to go now,” he announces, and begins frantically packing away his things. Kaiser has little time to react before someone knocks at the door. 

The zipper on Isagi’s jacket snags as Bachira bursts into the room. 

“Isagi! I thought you were coming back early!” He immediately latches onto Isagi’s arm, throwing him off balance, and this catches Kaiser’s attention. Isagi is friendly with most people, but this is on a whole other level.

Kaiser can’t exactly place the emotion rising to the surface of his mind. Jealousy? No, he has zero reason to be jealous. Especially not because a stranger is all over his lab partner and the two of them are smiling ear to ear. 

Isagi and Kaiser are just lab partners. They’re just lab partners. 

Bachira has all but shoved Isagi out the door, and he barely manages to look over his shoulder as he’s tugged along. “Bye Kaiser, I’ll see you tomorrow morning!”

Kaiser is left sitting alone in the silent study room. The image of that half-blond hair pressed against Isagi’s face burns into the back of his mind. Fuck. Fuck. He switches to a different subject in an unsuccessful attempt to redirect his focus. 

He’s doing a terrible job of convincing himself this isn’t jealousy.

New York, October, 8 months ago

The next time Isagi sees Sae, he’s at the track. Isagi is on his way back home from attending office hours, half his face buried in a fluffy scarf to guard against the chilly breeze. He jogs up the slight hill and his feet meet the springy rubber, where Sae gives him a nod in greeting.

“Practice today?” There are around fifteen other people scattered across the area, but no signs of Kaiser. 

Sae scrunches his nose slightly, the only sign of disdain in his otherwise neutral expression. “We’re doing long distance training, and I prefer sprinting drills.” The shrill of a whistle sounds and Sae straightens. “That’s our cue to get ready. I’ll see you around, Isagi.”

“Make sure you pace yourself!” Isagi carefully makes his way back down the hill and onto the sidewalk, walking a little faster against the cold. The swirling puffs of his breath waft around him like smoke. 

Next to his teammates, Sae begins stretching, searching the area for a telltale blond head of hair. If Kaiser is late, their coach will make him run an extra three miles. 

He sort of wants to see that. At the very least, it’ll make Kaiser too tired to talk during the rest of practice, and Sae can zone out. 

Someone lightly bumps his elbow, and he rolls his eyes. Turning around, he sees Kaiser grinning at him like he knew exactly what he was thinking. Leave it to him to show up at the last possible minute. 

“The only practice days I’ll risk being late for are short distance training.” 

Behind Kaiser, Sae can see Isagi in the distance, who has stopped briefly to watch them. He gives a little wave just as Isagi gets ambushed by someone waiting in the bushes. Bachira pulls the scarf over his eyes and Isagi shrieks loud enough for Sae and Kaiser to hear.

At the sound, Kaiser looks back, following Sae’s line of sight. By now, Isagi is chasing Bachira down the sidewalk, the two of them little more than tiny figures in the evening light. 

Kaiser squints at the treeline. “Was that Yoichi?”

“Yeah, the one that screamed.” 

“I’ve seen that other guy before.” Kaiser’s gaze slides to Sae, shoulders tensing slightly. “Are those two dating?”

The question surprises Sae. He says nothing for a moment, staring at Kaiser, wondering what that could possibly have to do with anything. His friend refuses to say another word, even after he lifts an eyebrow at him.

“Why does that matter to you?”

Kaiser waves a hand in the air. It seems casual, noncommittal, but Sae knows enough about Kaiser’s body language to tell that it’s a little forced. “Humour me.”

He shrugs. “They’re not dating. Bachira is Isagi’s roommate. They met in first year and have been living together ever since.”

“Good to know.” The subject drops, and even though they shift naturally to another topic, Kaiser can almost sense the gears whirring in Sae’s brain.

Sae might question him about this again some other day, but that’s a problem for his future self.

Midterm season is always chaotic, but this year it’s especially brutal. They’re stacked back to back and go all the way from early October to mid November, with lab reports shoved in between. Isagi is averaging five hours of sleep per night, and he can feel the toll it’s starting to take on his body. 

He finds himself struggling to stay awake during one of Dr. Teieri’s lectures. Every time he blinks, his eyelids become heavier, until he has to pinch himself to avoid dozing off. 

Next to him, Kaiser has been observing Isagi for the past twenty minutes. The little sprout on his head bobs every time his chin dips, and it’s taking everything in Kaiser to not pat Isagi’s head. 

Dr. Teieri has just given them their in-class assignment and stopped her presentation when he sees Isagi’s eyes finally slip shut. 

Kaiser leans in, poking Isagi’s cheek. “Hey sleepyhead, we’re supposed to be setting up our specimens right now.” At his voice, Isagi blinks drowsily, and Kaiser becomes a little fixated on his fluttering eyelashes. 

“I know, just give me a second…” For a moment it looks like Isagi is going to fall asleep completely, and Kaiser grows concerned when he sees their professor coming towards their table. 

“Are you leaving all the work to me again? I thought we went over this before, Yoichi.” 

That does the trick. At his taunt, Isagi’s face twists into what is probably supposed to be a glare, but it’s sabotaged by his sleepy demeanour. It’s adorable, and Kaiser thinks he’s losing his mind. Isagi buries his face in his hands, rubs his eyes, and manages to look more than half-awake when he straightens up again. “I’m not letting you do everything,” he says indignantly, and that’s when Dr. Teieri reaches them.

“Any questions on the assignment?”

“No, we were just splitting up the tasks,” Kaiser responds, and Isagi nods sagely as if he wasn’t just five seconds away from falling off his chair a minute ago. Thankfully, he manages to stay awake for the remainder of class. 

Kaiser pauses before he leaves their table. Isagi thinks he sees an expression of concern cross his face, but it’s gone too quickly for him to know for sure. 

“Get some more rest. I don’t want my lab partner losing more brain cells than he can afford.”

He’s out the door before Isagi can chase him down.

Steam rises from the kettle as Isagi pours hot water into a teapot. The soft fragrance of jasmine fills the air, and two mugs clink together as they’re placed onto the kitchen table.

When the weather outside is too rainy to make going out to study a pleasant experience, Isagi and Bachira will do schoolwork together in their apartment. 

“There’s a sale on eggs and butter today! Do you want to go this afternoon once we’re done here?” Bachira peers over his cup as he takes a scalding sip of tea, promptly burning his tongue. Before he can drink anymore, Isagi reaches over and plucks the mug out of his hands.

“Yeah, we can get our weekly groceries out of the way. I can’t be out for too long though, I’ll need to finish up my paper tonight.”

“For your botany course, right? Is it with your lab partner?”

At the thought of Kaiser, Isagi’s mind conjures the memory of those scarlet-lined eyes mere inches away from his face. He must’ve gotten quite close to Isagi in order to wake him up, because he suddenly remembers the unmistakable scent of roses, which could have only been Kaiser’s perfume. 

Isagi flushes. He thinks about Kaiser tying his hair back in class, exposing his neck and pulse points where the rosy fragrance would be the most intoxicating, and questions his sanity. When he snaps back to the present he realizes he’s been quiet for too long, and Bachira is staring at him curiously.

“Ah! No, this one’s supposed to be done individually.” He winces as a mischievous grin crosses his roommate’s face. 

Bachira waggles his eyebrows at him. “Were you daydreaming about him just now?”

“Absolutely not!”

“You’re lying!” He points an accusatory finger at Isagi. “I saw you blushing!”

Knowing that Bachira will not drop the subject until he gets his answer, Isagi relents. “Maybe I was.” He groans, pressing his face to the table. “I don’t know if he’s dating anyone. I don’t know if I could stand dating him. He’s insufferable and arrogant and hot at the same time. Not to mention far too smart for his own good.”

“Just ask him out,” Bachira chirps, which is much easier said than done. 

“That’ll make him even more irritating. He’ll always find a way to hold it above my head.” Isagi can picture it in his mind now, Kaiser teasing him endlessly, and he frowns.

“So make a move some other way!” Leaping to his feet, Bachira waves his hands around excitedly. “I’m going to give you three weeks to make progress before I intervene.”

Three weeks? Knowing the chaos Bachira is capable of sowing, Isagi is going to have to pick up the pace.  

“You missed an area in your diagram.” Kaiser points at a spot on Isagi’s worksheet, but his voice doesn’t hold the usual taunt it carries. 

Isagi glances up at him and is surprised when he doesn’t feel his eyebrows drawing into an immediate scowl. “Thanks.”

Just before they wrap up for the morning, Dr. Teieri gives more details on the literature discussion worth 10% of their final grade. Each lab pair is to find a recent peer-reviewed paper relevant to any of the topics they’ve covered in class up to this point and give a 15 minute presentation. A five minute question period will follow.

They have exactly one week to submit a summary of their paper, and another week to prepare before presenting. As soon as class ends, Kaiser looks at Isagi expectantly. 

“Do you have a break in-between lectures right now?”

“Yes, why?” That’s all Isagi manages to get out before Kaiser loops an arm through his, tugging him along. “Wha—at least tell me where we’re going!” 

Kaiser stops abruptly at the library doors and Isagi’s cheek bumps into his shoulder. Even Kaiser’s hoodie seems to be permeated with his floral scent. Isagi shakes his head furiously to stop the heat rising through him, recalling his conversation with Bachira the past weekend. 

“We’re going to find an article as soon as possible so we can start working on our slide deck.”

And so Isagi finds himself sitting in yet another study room with Kaiser, searching for articles on PubMed. 

“This one seems like a good fit.” He slides his laptop over to his lab partner, who is busy sifting through a rather tedious looking abstract. 

Squinting at the screen, Kaiser scans the top page, eyes brightening with interest. “I recognize that name. One of the authors is a previous colleague of Dr. Teieri’s, I’ve read some of their other work.” 

He spends a few more minutes looking through the paper before handing the laptop back to Isagi. “I like this one.”

“That was easier than expected.” Isagi goes to print the article so he can annotate it by hand. “I seem to recall you saying that some people are more suited for research than others,” he muses, raising an eyebrow. “Shouldn’t you have found a paper before me if that was the case?”

Kaiser smothers the grin fighting to make an appearance on his face, crossing his arms as he meets Isagi’s gaze. “I said nothing of the sort,” he responds airily, and Isagi rolls his eyes.

It’s late one October afternoon when Isagi steps through the doorway of his apartment, and he realizes he might not hate Kaiser as much as he thought he did. 

“You’re smiling to yourself,” Sae notes one day. 

Kaiser feels the grin on his face, catches it, and starts scowling. “I am not.” 

Sae looks entirely unconvinced. “You are.” 

“Am not.” 

“You are.” 

“Am not.” Kaiser says the last word with such a sense of finality that Sae knows not to press anymore, so he leaves it alone. He wonders what could have put Kaiser in such a good mood, until he remembers that just a few minutes ago, Isagi was also in the cafe. He was about to leave with a group of friends before he ran into Kaiser by the door. The composed, almost bored expression on Kaiser’s face had shifted to something else entirely when he noticed Isagi, and the realization hits Sae like a sledgehammer. 

“Is this about Isagi?” he asks, and Kaiser freezes. 

Of course not, he thinks, not even registering his futile attempt in trying to convince himself otherwise. If his silence and delayed response aren’t enough of a sign already, Sae’s all-knowing gaze is not helping either. 

“It’s not,” he snaps, far too late.

Sae just continues to give him that infuriatingly blank look, even as Kaiser flips him off.

Kaiser can’t get Isagi out of his head, and it’s Sae’s damn fault. He does not have a crush on his lab partner. 

Every time Isagi’s bangs fall into his face, Kaiser has the urge to tuck them behind his ears for him. Which is a perfectly normal response when you look at your lab partner as often as he does—not like Kaiser is paying any attention. And when Isagi leans close to him to get a better view with their microscope, his heart beating slightly faster is a complete coincidence. 

Bullshit. He isn’t fooling anyone. With a sigh, he sets his menu to the side. Somehow the two of them are sitting across from one another at a restaurant in the city. After a practice run of their presentation, Isagi invited him out for dinner. It was probably only a gesture of courtesy. 

Unless it wasn’t. Kaiser traces a finger along his glass as he thinks to himself. If Isagi harboured mutual feelings for him, would he be able to tell? He sneaks glances at Isagi when he thinks he isn’t looking, and decides he needs to test his theory.

On his side of the table, Isagi fidgets in his seat. He can feel Kaiser’s gaze burning holes into his skin. Recently his demeanour seems to have shifted in a way he can’t quite put his finger on. He wouldn’t exactly call Kaiser shy—in fact, he’s far from that—but there’s something softer behind Kaiser’s eyes when he looks at him. 

Pink burns on the tips of his ears as he raises his menu a little higher, shielding himself from Kaiser’s line of sight. Three weeks ago Isagi would have asked Kaiser why he was so blatantly staring at him, but things have changed. Something in his stomach flips whenever Kaiser grins at him, and he seems to be doing that a lot these days.

“Do you know what you’re getting?” Kaiser’s voice breaks him out of his thoughts, and he nods. When their server arrives to take their order, Isagi is only half-paying attention as Kaiser picks out a dish. He’s just taken a sip of water when hears Kaiser say: “My boyfriend will have the curry katsudon.”

Isagi sits upright so quickly that the water goes down the wrong pipe. Boyfriend? Boyfriend? Their server casts him a worried glance as he chokes on his drink. “Are you alright, sir?” 

He feels a hand on his back patting him gently and realizes that Kaiser has come over to his side. “Oh my,” he chirps. “Don’t worry, he just needs a minute.”

After their server leaves, Isagi turns to shoot Kaiser a glare. “What the hell was that about?”

Kaiser smirks at him. “I have no idea what you mean.” He watches as Isagi opens and closes his mouth, and a crimson blush begins to bloom across his face. It reminds him of red tulips flowering in spring after the winter ice has melted. 

Never mind. He is not attracted to Kaiser. He would rather fly into the sun than consider dating him. Kaiser with his irritatingly pretty face who always seems to know how to push Isagi’s buttons. 

He thinks about Kaiser’s hand lingering on his lower back and his face starts burning all over again. 

For the rest of the evening, Kaiser doesn’t do anything out of the ordinary. It isn’t until they’re walking out of the restaurant towards the bus stop that will take Isagi home that he wonders why Kaiser hasn’t said goodbye yet. 

“Aren’t you going in the other direction? This is the wrong bus stop for you.” Isagi glances up at Kaiser as he pulls his transit pass out of his bag.

Kaiser is quiet. For a moment, Isagi wonders if he even heard him. He’s about to ask again when Kaiser finally responds. 

“I know.” He doesn’t elaborate, not even when Isagi’s growing confusion becomes more apparent. Eventually, Isagi decides to switch the topic to something else, and the two of them wait side by side in the night. Kaiser keeps him company until his bus arrives, and then he finally says goodbye.

When Isagi gets back home, Bachira nearly blows his ears off asking how his “dinner date” went. 

On a frosty Monday morning, Kaiser tugs his ear muffs further down as he walks across campus. At least his plants have the regulated climate of the glasshouse to protect them. He distractedly wonders if Isagi will be there before him, although he highly doubts it. Usually Kaiser is the first one to arrive at the start of the week, since he likes having the space to himself for some time.

He last saw Isagi on Friday night. Has it only been three days? They finished dinner at 8pm. There were cars all around them, traffic lights shifting like a kaleidoscope, but all of his senses were focused on Isagi. Something seemed to block out the rest of the world in a muted haze. 

When he arrives to check on his plants, the glasshouse is empty as expected. In fact, he doesn’t see Isagi at all for the rest of the day, which isn’t entirely abnormal for a Monday.

Despite this, he feels Isagi’s absence more keenly than usual, and Kaiser does his best to ignore the growing desire to see him. 

Five minutes before the start of lab, Kaiser walks into their classroom. Isagi is already sitting at their table, chatting with one of their neighbours—red side braid, shark teeth—Kaiser doesn’t make a point of remembering other people’s names unless absolutely necessary. As he nears his seat, Isagi offers him a tiny smile, which is almost enough to make him trip on flat ground. 

Isagi has never greeted him with a pleasant expression before, at least not after their disastrous first meeting all those weeks ago. The range of Isagi’s facial expressions whenever he’s around Kaiser is mostly limited to: frowning, glaring, scowling, exasperation, disbelief, annoyance, and stubbornness. Smiling is definitely not on the list.

Staring at Isagi like he’s lost his mind, Kaiser slides into his seat. “Hey,” he responds as a way of acknowledgement, and he wants to bash his head into the desk when his voice comes out hoarse. 

Thankfully, Isagi doesn’t comment on it. The rest of class goes by smoothly, with Isagi taking a break in the middle of their work to ask Dr. Teieri something. 

“She said I could stay after lab ends to work on my research project. There’s some pictures I need to get with our microscope.”

“Hmm. I don’t know if I trust you in this room full of expensive equipment by yourself.”

There’s the glare Kaiser’s been waiting for. Isagi stops writing on his worksheet to elbow him. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” 

Kaiser grins, saying nothing, and Isagi huffs as he resumes his work, ignoring him. 

When class ends, Dr. Teieri tells Isagi to come find her once he’s done so she can lock up the classroom. 

It takes about five minutes for all of their peers to clear out. Isagi expects Kaiser to leave as well, but he’s surprised to find him still at their table. He hasn’t made any effort to pack away his things. 

“Aren’t you going?”

“I told you, someone has to keep an eye on you. What if you drop a microscope? That’ll be $1000 coming out of Dr. Teieri’s lab funds.”

Isagi groans, rubbing his face as if Kaiser’s bullshit is giving him a headache. “I’m going to throw one of these at you, and you’re going to have to pay.”

In the time it takes Isagi to set up his slides, Kaiser is unusually restless. He doesn’t show it outwardly, but the events of the last few weeks keep replaying in his mind. Sae recognizing his jealousy over Isagi and his roommate, Isagi’s reaction to Kaiser calling him his boyfriend.

Absent-mindedly, he watches Isagi’s eyelashes brush the microscope’s eyepiece as he examines his specimen. Kaiser inches a little closer, placing his hand on the table next to Isagi’s. “You’re not looking closely enough.”

Isagi frowns, clearly mystified. “This is at the highest magnification.” He’s so absorbed with what’s in front of him that he doesn’t notice Kaiser’s proximity. 

Whenever Isagi is around him his world seems to tilt on its axis, flipping within the subconscious boundaries he’s set for himself. Only recently did Kaiser realize he doesn’t mind having someone else in his orbit. Not if it’s Isagi.

He’s done ignoring his feelings. He thinks it’s about time he acts on them.

Finished observing, Isagi lifts his head from the microscope. It takes him a moment to reorient himself, and when he does realize how close Kaiser is, his eyes widen a little. Subconsciously, he leans in as well, completely unaware of how his body moves on its own. 

For a few seconds, the two of them just gaze at each other, mapping out the blue embers of each other’s eyes. 

Isagi’s lips part to say something. 

Before he can lose his nerve, Kaiser leans forward in that same moment, curls a hand around Isagi’s jaw, and kisses him. He tastes mint on Isagi’s lips from his chapstick, burning and cooling him simultaneously as Isagi jolts under his touch, before threading fingers through Kaiser’s hair and pressing closer. 

Kaiser settles his other hand on Isagi’s waist, fingers skimming his lower back. The hitch in Isagi’s breath only ignites his desire further, and if Kaiser could consume him he would. 

As quickly as it began, Kaiser feels a tingle along his scalp as Isagi tugs him back, banking the flames. His pupils are blown as he gazes at Kaiser, cheeks dusted pink as he steadies himself, catching his breath in small puffs of air that tickle Kaiser’s skin.

“You…” Isagi’s eyes roam across Kaiser’s face like he’s searching for something. “What was that about?” 

The smirk Kaiser gives him makes his heart somersault. “Isn’t it obvious?” He cups Isagi’s face in his palms, gently pressing their foreheads together. “Go out with me, Yoichi.” 

Sae glances up from his book as the chime above the cafe door rings, and he sees Kaiser and Isagi walk in. Bright as ever, Isagi waves at him before they head over to the barista. 

The first thing he notices is how Kaiser’s arm is wrapped around Isagi’s waist. Even after they’ve placed their order, he keeps Isagi by his side the entire time. Only when their drinks are ready does Kaiser let go of him, and they slowly make their way over to Sae’s table.

Sae lets them settle into their seats. “Took you two long enough,” he remarks, and he was right to wait until Isagi put his drink down, because he jumps like a startled cat.

Kaiser eyes him suspiciously. “I should’ve known you’d talk to Yoichi about this. Playing matchmaker now, are we?”

He scoffs. “You should be thanking me.” 

Isagi has all but buried his face in his sweater, which is enough to hide most of his embarrassment but not enough to conceal the red tips of his ears. “Can we please talk about something else? It’s bad enough that you were my TA before, Sae.”

“Well,” Sae begins, switching subjects easily enough. “I can tell you every single embarrassing thing I know about Kaiser since I met him in high school,” and he swiftly dodges the kick Kaiser aims at his leg.

Golden leaves crunch underfoot as a gale sweeps them to the side. Halloween is one week away, and it’s evident in the various decorations that have begun popping up around campus. Isagi slides his hand into Kaiser’s as they walk out of the glasshouse, pressing closer to him. “Let’s go to the pumpkin patch this weekend.” 

On Saturday morning they arrive at a vast field where orange stretches as far as the eye can see. Some of the pumpkins are so big that Isagi looks tiny in comparison. Kaiser scans the area before turning around to face Isagi, and he sees that his boyfriend has taken to running up and down the rows of pumpkins, tapping each one with a light hand.

Eventually he stops at one, crouching down to examine it better. From where he is Kaiser observes as Isagi inspects the skin for blemishes, tilting it this way and that, and he suppresses a snort at how excited Isagi looks.

It’s endearing. His child-like wonder is contagious as he beams at Kaiser, pointing proudly at his pumpkin. “I found a good one.” He begins to wrap his arms around its firm exterior when Kaiser comes over to help him, hoisting it up to carry to the vendor’s stall. 

“And what makes this pumpkin a good one?” Beside him, Isagi hums softly.

“Well, we’re going to be carving this later on, so I didn’t want to pick one that was too big or too small. I like medium-sized pumpkins best. Plus, they still have enough seeds to roast.”

Later that night the two of them sit in Kaiser’s kitchen, newspapers scattered across the table to catch the gooey, stringy fibers that fall out while they scoop the seeds. 

Isagi wrinkles his nose. “This is my least favourite part. I don’t like the slimy feeling and it takes forever to wash off the skin.”

Kaiser, for the most part, has no problems with getting his hands dirty. Years of gardening will do that to a person. From the corner of his vision he sees Isagi shudder as he dumps the last bit of seeds into a bowl. 

An idea crosses Kaiser’s mind and he smirks. 

“I still see some stuff in there,” he announces, and waits for Isagi to take the bait. 

“Where?” Isagi pokes his head around to get a better view, and that’s when Kaiser boops the tip of his nose with his finger, covered in pumpkin juice. “Hey!”  

Kaiser leaps off his kitchen chair, snickering as Isagi chases him around with the spoon. 

“No pumpkin seeds for you,” Isagi threatens. “I’m going to eat them all.”

Kaiser tsks, wagging a finger at him. “Isn’t that a little mean? After I spent all this time picking and cleaning the pumpkin with you?” He ducks a swing from Isagi, jumping over the couch as Isagi tears after him.

In the ten minutes it takes them to settle down, they almost knock over two burning candles, crash into the shoe rack by the door, and receive a noise complaint from Kaiser’s neighbours. They declare a truce when the oven chirps with a ding, announcing it’s finished preheating. 

As the seeds bake in the oven, Isagi draws Totoro with a leaf umbrella on their pumpkin, passing it to Kaiser to make the first cut. An hour later Isagi dims the lights, and their design flickers to life before them, surrounded by the smells of spices and Halloween. 

Isagi gazes at the glowing candle inside, delight painted on every feature of his face. “It turned out great.”

“All thanks to me,” Kaiser declares, and Isagi jabs him in the ribs. 

New York, November, 7 months ago

In the middle of November, Isagi is in the middle of updating his parents on how school life is going. The aroma of frying eggs wafts into the bedroom as Kaiser cooks breakfast for the two of them.

A metallic clatter sounds from the kitchen as Kaiser prepares the cutlery. 

“Is that Bachira with you?” his mom asks over their video call, and Isagi blushes slightly. 

“No, I’m actually staying at my boyfriend’s place for the weekend,” he responds as casually as he can, and he nearly drops the phone at how loudly his mother shrieks. His father, calm as ever, only raises his eyebrows. 

“A boyfriend? Yocchan, you should bring him over during winter break so that we can meet him! Let me talk to him right now!” His mother looks at him expectantly, a twinkle in her eyes as Isagi scrambles to recover.

“He’s busy cooking right now! And we’ve only been dating for a month,” Isagi protests. “Not that I don’t think you won’t love him, but isn’t a trip halfway across the country to meet the parents a little too soon?”

“Don’t worry about it,” his mom chirps. “Your father is already sending you the flight details. Make sure you book his ticket tonight!”

Head spinning, Isagi says goodbye after chatting for a little longer. Shuffling to the kitchen, he finds that Kaiser has just finished plating their food. An apron sits wrapped snugly around his body, covering the black sweater that Isagi likes to steal when he does their laundry. He reaches out to pet a fluffy tuft of hair still sticking up on Kaiser’s head.

Kaiser gives him a kiss on the hand. “I heard a bunch of shouting while you were on your call. Did something good happen?”

Well. He might as well bring it up now. Isagi waits until Kaiser has sat down, and he brings their mugs of coffee over.

“How do you feel about a trip to Japan?”

New York, December, 6 months ago

Isagi bursts out of the exam room, sprinting to the cafe where Kaiser said he’d wait for him. Strings of fairy lights weaved through the trees on campus wink at him through the freezing air, and eventually the distinctive golden sign of the cafe comes into view. Through the window he spots Kaiser with his face buried in a psychology textbook, and a laugh escapes Isagi. Leave it to him to keep studying even when exams are over.

He pounces on his boyfriend the instant he reaches their table, wrapping his arms around Kaiser from behind. “I’m finished!”

Kaiser pats Isagi on the head, smiling back at him. “Well done,” he says, and Isagi glows at the praise. 

“This calls for a celebration. I’m going to take you out to dinner,” he exclaims, and at this, Kaiser raises his eyebrows.

“You’re going to take me out? I think you mean I am going to take you out.” 

Isagi straightens, fixing him with a stern look. Sometimes Kaiser forgets how stubborn he can be. “You will let me treat you to dinner or I will leave your ass here in this cafe.” With that, he marches out the door, crossing his arms and staring at Kaiser expectantly as he waits on the sidewalk. 

Knowing him, Isagi will not actually leave until Kaiser gives in. They lock gazes for a minute or two, butting heads, until Kaiser sees Isagi shiver slightly in the cold and he melts. 

Isagi’s eyes brighten when Kaiser begins to pack his things away. His breath clouds white in the air, crystallizing like frost flowers as Kaiser meets him outside, sighing in mock defeat. 

“Fine.” He slips an arm around Isagi, holding him close to keep him warm as they walk down the street. “But I’m buying us drinks.”

They’ve had too much to fucking drink. At least, Isagi has. Initially, they started off with a pitcher of sangria, and as the food rolled in and the night progressed, Isagi threw all care to the wind and insisted on ordering cocktail after cocktail. Strawberry daiquiri. Moscow mule. Tequila sunrise. 

Not like it’s much of an issue. Kaiser’s alcohol tolerance is far too high to get tipsy after a few drinks, and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t make sure Isagi gets home safe. 

Now Isagi drunkenly pops the maraschino cherry from his glass into his mouth. “I bet you wish you were this cherry right now,” he teases, rolling it around on his tongue, and Kaiser’s eyes widen.

“You don’t know what you’re saying.” He flags their server down, motioning for the bill, and clears his throat as Isagi licks a drop of juice off his finger rather suggestively. 

His boyfriend will be furious the next morning when he realizes Kaiser has paid for both their dinner and drinks. Smiling to himself, he comes over to Isagi’s side of the booth and scoops him up.

Isagi curls into him, nuzzling his cheek against Kaiser’s neck. “Are we going home now?”

The temperature difference between the inside of the restaurant to the outside is like plunging into the deep end of a frigid lake. Carefully, Kaiser settles Isagi down, wrapping his scarf more tightly around Isagi’s face before waving for a cab. 

“Yes, and you are going straight to bed.” Isagi opens his mouth to protest and Kaiser presses a firm finger to his lips, shushing him. “We are not doing anything while you are drunk.”

The ride home is thankfully uneventful. Around halfway through the liquor seems to mellow out in Isagi’s system, and he stares out the window, entranced by the city lights that pass by him in waves. In his reflection, Kaiser can see the colours blooming in Isagi’s eyes like a layer of stained glass, painting his irises in scarlet, cobalt, and emerald, but none of them compare to the deep hue of Isagi’s own eyes. 

When they reach Kaiser’s apartment complex, he hauls Isagi down the outside hallway, fishing for his keys hiding in his pocket. The instant they step through their doorway, Isagi makes a beeline for the living room and flops onto the couch.

“Goodnight,” Isagi announces, and Kaiser shakes his head.

“You still have to brush your teeth and wash your face.” He hangs his coat by the door, and when he doesn’t get a response from Isagi, he turns to see him dozing off.

“Oh my.” The bright living room light flares as Kaiser flicks the switch, and Isagi whines. Shielding his eyes, he squirms away from the light. 

Kaiser crouches beside him, watching the sprout on Isagi’s head bob in protest. He reaches a hand out and pinches Isagi’s cheek, squishing it between his fingers. 

“Too bright,” Isagi complains, swatting at Kaiser’s hand, and Kaiser pokes him on the nose. 

“I can make it brighter,” he sings, and he grins as Isagi shoots him a glare. “Come on Yoichi, let’s get ready for bed.”

Kaiser manages to convince Isagi to roll off the couch and walk to the bathroom. With some difficulty, he sweeps Isagi’s hair out of the way with one of his fluffy headbands, lathers up a few pumps of cleanser onto his skin, and carefully splashes it off with cool water. By the time Kaiser has finished patting his face dry, Isagi has adjusted enough to the light to brush his teeth himself. 

After changing into his pajamas, Isagi crawls into bed. Kaiser tucks him under the blankets so he’s cozy and warm and waits a few moments for him to settle in.

The only thing Kaiser can see now is Isagi’s head poking out of the covers like a tiny squirrel, and he resists the sudden desire to lean in and smother him with affection. “Goodnight. I’ll be in the living room, okay? I’m not tired just yet.” He reaches over to turn the nightstand lamp off and feels something tugging at the hem of his shirt.

Isagi blinks sleepily at him, tone insistent. “Stay with me.” He takes Kaiser’s pause as a rejection and starts tearing up, sniffling. 

“Hey, shhh. I’m not going anywhere.” His thumb brushes away a stray tear from Isagi’s face and he slips under the blankets with him, laying on his side. Almost immediately Isagi scoots closer, calming down when he presses a palm against Kaiser’s chest and senses his heartbeat. It’s steady and reassuring, and suddenly he feels self-conscious of the heat of Kaiser’s gaze on him.

He hides his face into his pillow, muffling his voice. “Thank you for taking care of me.” The blankets shift and he peeks out from his pillow to see Kaiser smiling softly at him, chin resting in his hand. 

“Always,” he promises, and Isagi manages to stay awake for several more minutes before sleep encompasses him in its soothing arms.

Kaiser stays by his side long after that, and drops a featherlight kiss on Isagi’s forehead as the moon glimmers through the window. 

“I love you.”

Saitama Prefecture, June, present time (1 month post-breakup)

“How do you feel?” 

“I feel fine.” Kaiser runs a hand through his hair again, and Isagi knows he’d never admit it even if he was a little nervous. 

“My parents are the kindest people in the world. They’ll love you. You don’t need to be worried about anything.” 

Kaiser scoffs. “Who said I was worried?”

Isagi can still remember the distinct buzz of people around them in the airport, feel the sensation of Kaiser’s fingers wrapped against his as they walked to their gate. Visiting his parents back in Japan with Kaiser was probably one of the happiest months of his life. 

Everything seemed to be falling into place, aligning perfectly, and when they got back to New York their second semester was progressing steadily. He’d submitted his graduate school applications long ago, mainly for American universities with two back home as a failsafe. It was almost certain that he’d be continuing his research in Dr. Teieri’s lab with Kaiser by his side.

Life was guiding him by the hand, stringing him along with its deceptively hopeful web of possibilities, until it ripped out the threads cradling his future in one cruel motion. 

It was a Thursday evening in March when he got the call, 7:18pm as he was sitting in his apartment. Eight fractures, with significant damage to organs. He learned that his mother had gotten into a car accident and was in critical condition. 

And that was when he knew he had to return home. 

Saitama Prefecture, December, 6 months ago

Kaiser feels like he’s seeing a different side of Isagi in his hometown. He’s always been brimming with energy, radiant as the sun, but it’s on an entirely different level as he takes Kaiser on a personalized tour of his childhood neighborhood. On the morning of Christmas Eve, Isagi brings him to the city square, where they marvel at the Christmas decorations.

A stray snowflake lands on the tip of Isagi’s nose as he pulls Kaiser towards him, planting a kiss on his cheek. “I know you don’t like receiving gifts, so I thought we could make memories together instead.” Two train tickets rustle in Isagi’s grasp. “There’ll be fireworks in Tokyo tonight, an hour away.” 

Something tugs at Kaiser’s heart, a sweet, fleeting pain at Isagi’s thoughtfulness. The love that Isagi has shown him has been nothing but pure and tender, and it reminds him of what he thought love should’ve been as a child, before his perception grew a little more jaded when his parents divorced. 

Isagi makes him think of what love could be; how it changes and evolves as two people grow together, and what their future could look like. 

“What about dinner with your parents?”

“It’s okay, we’ll eat with them tomorrow. They told us to enjoy ourselves and find good spots!”

At the train station, the crowds of other passengers on the platform are nearly suffocating, but the two of them manage to squeeze onto the next inbound car. As they make their way to Odaiba, Tokyo, Isagi chatters excitedly about the Rainbow Bridge, which has a walkway that is the perfect viewpoint for seeing fireworks up close. 

Isagi treats Kaiser to his first bento from a busy street vendor as they stop for lunch, and then they stock up on snacks at a konbiniya before walking around the city. The afternoon passes by in a flurry of souvenir shopping, and night falls as they join the stream of people flowing onto the bridge’s walkway. A hush falls over the crowds as the first fireworks are lit. 

Against the inky sky, vibrant shades of light paint the darkness. Isagi holds Kaiser’s hand tight, turning to look up at him, and he’s surprised to see the expression Kaiser is wearing. It’s curiously unguarded, the high angles of his cheekbones softened by the flickering hues, and Isagi’s heart flutters a little at how gentle Kaiser looks. 

Since they began dating, Isagi has come to learn many things about Kaiser, including who he was before they met. When he first began spending weekends at Kaiser’s place, he vividly remembers waking up, rolling over to Kaiser’s side of the bed, and seeing him religiously checking the stats on his health app. They’ve started far too many pillow fights in the early hours of dawn because Isagi won’t quit making fun of him for it. When he was in high school he once received so many Valentine’s chocolates that the sweets needed to be delivered to his house in boxes, but even then his favourite food was still sugared bread crust rusks. 

His love for roses and gardening came from his mother, who taught him everything about nurturing a plant from seed to flower, and Isagi catches glimpses of Kaiser’s softer side when they’re tending to the blooms in the glasshouse or making dessert together in the kitchen. He likes the idea that he might be one of the few people in the world who’ve seen that facet of him, and he wants to keep it that way.

Without realizing it, Isagi has reached up to cup the side of Kaiser’s face. His thumb brushes beneath the curve of his eyeliner, and he watches, entranced, as Kaiser shifts his gaze from the fireworks to look at him. 

He forgets where they are as Kaiser smiles at him. Like a flower bud unfurling its petals, the affection on Kaiser’s face becomes clear as day, as unmistakable as the first thawing of spring, and it makes Isagi want to cry. Because that’s where love reached through the haze in his consciousness, and enveloped his heart in its hands. 

I’m in love with you, is the only thought dawning on Isagi’s mind, and the world goes silent. 

Kaiser’s touch is tender when he pulls Isagi closer, and everything else falls away. He can feel his heart beating so rapidly, a steady current of devotion, and Kaiser’s own heartbeat against him is just as fast as he wraps Isagi in his arms. 

He rests his chin on Isagi’s head. “Next year,” he begins, voice thick with emotion, “I’d like to come here again with you.”

On their last day in Japan, Kaiser surprises him with a tiny plant. Isagi stares at the sprout standing tall in the potted soil, blinking at it curiously. “What’s this?”

“A rose seedling.” He sets it on the windowsill of Isagi’s bedroom. “I thought you could keep it here, so that a part of me will always be home.”

“It might take a year or two to flower,” he clarifies as Isagi reads the handwritten note tied to the pot with a blue ribbon. Kaiser filled it with care instructions he’s sure will help the plant flourish.

Rarely does he gift people things, so he’s slightly anxious when Isagi doesn’t say anything for a few moments. 

All his worries settle as Isagi turns to face him again, brimming with happiness. “Thank you. I’ll shower it with love whenever I visit in the future and treasure it forever.”

Saitama Prefecture, July, present time (2 months post-breakup)

The dull, monotonous tone signifying the end of the call cuts like a razor through the ringing in his ears. “Michael,” he screams, feeling his throat close in panic. 

Kaiser comes out from the living room, rushing over to where Isagi is standing in the hallway when he sees the distress on his face. He doesn’t get a chance to ask what’s wrong before it all comes crashing out of Isagi.

“My dad just called me. He told me my mom was in a car accident. They’re trying to stabilize her right now but she’s not doing well.” His lower lip wobbles, eyes wide in shock and disbelief as he searches Kaiser’s face. “Please tell me this isn’t real,” he whispers, and his voice cracks when Kaiser’s expression grows somber. 

Tears begin spilling over, and Isagi sobs into Kaiser’s shoulder as he embraces him. “Oh, Yoichi. I’m so sorry.” He smooths a hand over Isagi’s back, trying his best to soothe him as he prays Isagi’s mother will be alright. “Breathe through your nose for me, love.” 

Kaiser feels Isagi take in shuddering breaths, clutching the fabric of his shirt in a tight, desperate grip. “How about we go visit her, okay? I’ll book the tickets.” 

Freshly brewed tea steams in front of him, pale gold in its hue. His mother is looking at him with concern, and Isagi snaps out of his thoughts. “Yocchan? Something on your mind?”

By the time they’d landed in Japan, having taken the earliest available flight, the surgeons were able to bring his mother to stable condition. The relief that had coursed through Isagi was palpable, and it only grew when he was finally able to visit her in the hospital, seeing with his own eyes that she was going to be alright. But it was enough to leave him shaken, making him question studying abroad for graduate school so far away from his parents. What if something worse happened when he was back in New York and he wasn’t able to make it here in time?

Isagi had applied to universities in Tokyo, an hour commute from his family home. Realistically he could study here, giving up his position in Dr. Teieri’s lab, and it was a sacrifice he was willing to make to stay with his family. But asking Kaiser to do the same wasn’t fair. 

When they returned to Isagi’s house, his dad dropping them off to spend the night at the hospital, they went straight to bed, tired from jet lag and exhausted from the emotional toll the last 24 hours had carried. In the morning however, Kaiser could tell something was troubling Isagi, and while it took some coaxing, they had a difficult conversation about their relationship. 

“It’s nothing. Just…how things ended between me and Kaiser.” Even admitting that makes his heart pinch at the seams, a reminder of how he wished things could have turned out differently.

Long-distance had been an option, but it was far from ideal. With both of them still undecided whether they’d pursue a career in academia or industry and where they would work, a long-distance relationship wasn’t realistic.

And even though they agreed to continue dating until they graduated, cherishing the last two months of their final undergraduate semester together, it still tore Isagi to pieces. He thought a mutual break-up would have made it easier, but in reality it just made it all the more heart-wrenching.

“Maybe it’s better this way,” Kaiser says hollowly. He hates the vacant look in Isagi’s eyes. It’s like he’s not even seeing him, instead staring right through him as if he’s gone already. It was always the two of them, holding the weight of the world in their hands, and now Isagi has moved on to shoulder that burden himself. 

This is not your burden to carry, Kaiser wants to tell him. Isagi has nothing to feel guilty about for choosing his mother but Kaiser can tell he’s tormenting himself over it anyways. 

The vibrancy the world once had seems to have dulled in colour. Isagi blocks it all out, numbly but carefully, resolutely avoiding the sorrow dimming Kaiser’s face. If he meets Kaiser’s eyes the nightmarish reality of what he’ll be losing will truly hit him, and the tears will seep through and spill over. 

There was never supposed to be an end. 

Hands shaking, he picks up the cup in front of him. The tea in his mouth tastes like warm afternoons spent in the glasshouse with Kaiser, flooded with the scent of chrysanthemums, and his vision grows blurry. His mother’s voice filters through the memories. 

“Oh, sweetheart.” She comes over to his side, gazing at him with the tenderness only a mother’s love could carry. “Maybe you should reach out to him.” She brushes aside Isagi’s hair, tucking a strand behind his ear. “I know it was scary, what happened to me. But I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be here.” 

At Isagi’s hesitant expression, she continues on, insistent. “He loved you very much. That I’m certain of.” 

New York, May, 2 months ago

Grief is an odd companion. In the weeks following their breakup, Dr. Teieri frequently checks in with Kaiser, noticing his subdued energy and red-rimmed eyes during lab meetings. 

While he hates their no contact rule at first, he comes to accept that it’s for the best. Hearing Isagi’s voice over the phone will just remind him of what could have been with Isagi by his side, and that would make it all the more painful. 

But what hurts most of all are the plants he tends to every day. He remembers giving Isagi a pot with a tiny rose seedling when they were in his hometown; a small, everlasting piece of his love. 

He wonders if Isagi is still taking care of it or simply left it to wither, and he can’t decide what he’d rather have. It would be easier if Isagi just let it die, but that would mean crushing his hopes of ever seeing him again forever—and Kaiser couldn’t imagine Isagi killing a plant for the sole reason of being a gift from an ex-boyfriend. 

Cutting people out of his life is not something he’s a stranger to. People who have wronged him, a father whose love was supposed to be something far, far different from what he and his mother received. But with Isagi it’s exceptionally painful. 

How could he ever ask Isagi to abandon his mother? He couldn’t. He’d never do that.

On the day they broke up, they’d hugged each other so fiercely at the airport doors Kaiser thought they’d never let go. A part of him had hoped that would be the case. 

“Thank you for loving me,” Isagi had told him, as if he’d ever dream of doing anything differently. Kisses weren’t supposed to taste like tears and parallel forevers, intertwined futures damned to never meet, but that was all their last one was made of. 

And when Isagi left, he took a broken piece of Kaiser’s heart with him. 

Saitama Prefecture, February, present time (9 months post-breakup)

Writing a thesis takes a dedicated amount of time, experimental design and research, and critical analysis. Isagi is feeling the pressure especially so with his accelerated courses, and it may have been slightly ambitious of him to aim for a master’s degree in under two years. He’s already six months in.

The one thing he’ll never do though, is back down from a challenge, and definitely not one he’s set for himself. With a rather questionable amount of caffeine and a few more sleepless nights than he’d like to admit, he sticks to a strict schedule of experiments, spending much of his free time in the lab and hibernating in the library to conduct data analysis. Throughout the process he keeps a detailed log of his methodology and reviews the relevant literature articles he’d compiled at the start of the semester for his thesis proposal. He’s never, ever filled out this many lab notebooks before. 

Seven months pass like this and he feels like a permanent fixture next to the lab equipment, blending in with the thermocyclers and fluorescence microscopes. He could probably order reagents with his eyes closed at this point, and one night during his sleepy commute back home, he swears he can smell the ethanol in his dream.

Day by day he continues to chip away at his thesis. When he feels like he has a respectable first draft, he submits this to his supervisor. 

Simple enough, right? Wrong. The document he receives later that week has so many comments on it, it hurts to even look at. Isagi groans, rubbing his eyes as he settles in at his desk. At least he knows his supervisor is actually reading his work.

Three grueling months later, he sends out what feels like the hundredth version. He’s called in once again to discuss the revisions, and as he walks into the office he prays the outcome will be different this time. 

To his elation, Isagi is able to send it to his advisory committee for approval, and soon enough he schedules his defense date, which will be six weeks from now in January.

He’s practically glowing with the news when he returns home that day, and he spends the evening celebrating with his parents, eating curry tonkatsu for good luck and sipping hot tea. 

“Feel free to practice presenting to us anytime!” His mother clasps her hands together in excitement, his father nodding beside her. “We might not understand the majority of it but you’ll always have our support no matter what.”

Her next words surprise Isagi. “You should tell Dr. Teieri. I’m sure she’d be thrilled to hear how you’re doing. She was one of your favourite professors, wasn’t she?” 

Seeing the tinge of sadness on Isagi’s face, a lull surfaces in between her words. No doubt she’s remembering how Dr. Teieri was supposed to be his supervisor, before everything that happened in March last year. Her voice softens. “Not all opportunities are lost forever,” she says, and for some reason Isagi feels like she’s not only referring to graduate school. “You could always continue research in New York.”

He looks up in surprise. “You mean go back?”

“It’s only a possibility, Yocchan. I’m just reminding you that it’s there,” she says. There’s a smile in her voice, as if she can tell exactly what Isagi is thinking. “Only you can decide on what you want to do.” 

New York, December, present time (19 months post-breakup)

Kaiser flicks through his presentation slides, reviewing his main speaking points before his oral examination later today. After a year into his master’s degree, he’d generated an astonishing amount of data. So much so that Dr. Teieri asked him whether he’d be interested in elevating his project to the PhD level. 

It would extend his studies by at least another three years, transferring into the PhD program. But this was a research topic he was genuinely interested in and could envision himself dedicating more time to. 

If Kaiser was ruthless in the past about schooling, he’s even more so now. It’s how he was able to produce this much material to begin with. Most of his time is spent in the lab running experiments, presenting his findings at meetings, and the remainder he saves for extracurriculars with select friends he’s kept in touch with from undergrad. He’s fine with the school-life balance and would even argue it keeps him focused on the work he’s doing. Several of his lab members have tried to drag him along to dating mixers, insisting he find someone, but he always waves them off. 

He’s not interested. A romantic relationship is far from the top priorities in his mind right now, and while he wouldn’t admit it outright, he’s still left a part of his heart in Japan. 

But that is something he’s decided to take care of and revisit in the future. For now he won’t think about that. About Isagi, or anything else related to him. Months ago Kaiser tucked away his hopes into a guarded alcove of his heart, and there they’ll remain until he’s done with all this.

Saitama Prefecture, December, present time (19 months post-breakup)

His mother is right. Dr. Teieri is beyond excited to receive Isagi’s email, and he’s practically bombarded by the enthusiasm flowing out of his laptop screen as he reads her response. Feeling emboldened from last night’s talk with his mother, he asks about current research in her lab, highlighting a few projects that caught his eye when he was looking at her website this morning. It’s silly to hold his breath when he clicks send, knowing the time difference means he won’t receive another reply for at least a few hours, but he does it anyway.

The next morning, he opens his inbox to see that Dr. Teieri is indeed taking on doctoral students for the research areas he’s interested in. She’d like to chat with him to discuss potential projects, seeing as he’ll need to come up with an original research question, but the offer to return to her lab is out there. 

Dr. Teieri is on board. It’s up to him. Stay in Japan, or go back to New York? 

There’s been a lot on his mind lately. His thesis defense, what he’ll do after receiving his master’s degree…where he’ll end up after all of this. 

Someone else has been surfacing in his thoughts too. If it’s Dr. Teieri’s lab, Kaiser is sure to be there as well.

Lost in contemplation, his fingers absentmindedly trace a leaf of the rose plant Kaiser gave him. Isagi has still taken care of it all these months, following the handwritten instructions that Kaiser so lovingly wrote out for him, and as he thinks back to when he first received it, he realizes over a year and a half has passed. A few flower buds have sprung up along the stems but have yet to bloom, and he remembers Kaiser saying they could take two years to do so. 

Isagi hasn’t opened their text messages since they last saw each other, muting their conversation as he reached his airport gate, and he’d immediately removed Kaiser from all social media once he landed in Japan. For his well-being and the sake of his heart, Isagi has stuck as closely to their no-contact rule as possible. He’s even refused to look at any photos of him.

It seems like he’s breaking that boundary he’s set for himself now. As he clicks on Kaiser’s icon his heart pounds, seeing the last text message from him wasn’t what he was expecting. It’s actually a voice message, and Isagi’s resolve threatens to collapse underneath him as a million possibilities of what its contents could be flow through his mind. 

Don’t click it, he tells himself. He’s about to throw his phone across the room when his mother’s voice echoes amidst the chaos, their conversation from all those nights ago flaring back to life. “Maybe you should reach out to him.”

Isagi’s fingers hover uncertainly over the screen. Before his rational train of thought can catch up to him, he opens the message.

“Yoichi,” is the first word the audio begins with, and Isagi feels everything cascading back to him. The love and experiences they lived through together, all conveyed within Kaiser’s voice simply speaking his name. It’s like he’s swept off his feet by cerulean waters and he lets it happen, buoyed with emotion as it all washes over him like a tidal wave pulling out to sea. 

“It’s been 11 minutes since we’ve said our goodbyes, and I know that we promised each other to not contact one another again but if I don’t say this now I don’t think I ever will. I wish I could have told you this in person, but vulnerability isn’t always easy, is it?

It will get better, I promise you. It may not seem like it now, and I would do anything to take away your pain and distress, but I’m here to tell you it will all work out in the end. Life will always find a way. 

This might sound odd, and I feel like I can’t sort out my thoughts quite clearly, but thank you for being my lab partner. I’m so glad you showed up late to class that first day and that no one else sat in your seat, because then I wouldn’t have come to know you as deeply as I did.

I’m not very close with many people in my life. Understanding others hasn’t always been something I sought to do, but I look at life differently when I’m with you. When I was with you. I used to think that everything happens for a reason—at first I could barely stand doing assignments with you, and I hated the idea of going to class on Tuesday mornings. But as the months passed I grew to learn more and more about you, and what it meant to fall in love with someone. 

It was not a mistake to love you, Yoichi. The relationship, memories, and time we shared are treasures I will cherish forever. I know that you feel like you had to choose between your mother and me, but I want to tell you that you should never feel that way. Never, ever feel that way. Your mother comes first, and I will never hold this against you or her. The guilt you feel is not your burden to carry.

They say that time heals all wounds, and that even love can be forgotten, but I will always remember the imprint of your heart on mine.

I used to picture us growing old together. In another universe, I think we did.”

Kaiser’s voice breaks at the end and the message cuts off abruptly, leaving Isagi with tears streaming down his face and his heart clawing its way out of his chest.

On the surface, he believed he’d come to terms with the end of their relationship. Removing Kaiser from his everyday life had helped make it a little easier, if only so that he didn’t think of him as frequently. But now he wishes he hadn’t been so abrupt. That he’d listened to Kaiser’s message sooner, because the raw pain inside him bleeds from a place so deep he thought he’d sheltered that hollow in his heart forever. Isagi had safeguarded it behind veiled memories, whispered promises and ghosts of nights spent intertwined, but it all spills red in this moment. 

The current turns vicious and he’s dragged down by the crushing despair that he might be too late.

Isagi counts backwards from ten in his mind and wipes the tears off his cheeks, sitting on the edge of his bed and repeating the numbers over and over again. He manages to tear his attention away from the turmoil inside his heart and makes himself slow down his breathing, until his eyes are dry and he feels calm enough to step outside of his room for a glass of water. 

When he returns to his desk feeling a lot more level-headed, he drafts a response to Dr. Teieri, taking his time to sift through his thoughts. 

He already knew what decision he’d make before listening to Kaiser’s message. But hearing it has only strengthened his resolve, reassuring him he’s doing the right thing. 

However much time has passed, whatever might have happened between these months, all a possibility needs is to exist.

And even then, regardless of the outcome with Kaiser, he won’t regret going back to New York. 

Saitama Prefecture, January, present time (20 months post-breakup)

Several weeks later Isagi finds himself yawning over a cup of coffee, testing his video settings as he prepares for his chat with Dr. Teieri. Even though she said it was an informal meeting, he still decided to wear business casual attire and wake up earlier than necessary to prepare. He’s glad he won’t have to deal with time zone differences when he’s back in New York. 

Dr. Teieri’s profile appears on the call, and he straightens as her face pops into view. 

“Isagi! It’s so good to see you,” she says warmly. In the background he can see that she’s sitting in her office, a cluster of hydrangeas resting on the windowsill. It brings back reminders of his first visit there, nervously explaining why he missed class, and he marvels at how much things have changed and how far he’s come. 

They spend the first ten minutes just catching up, and Dr. Teieri congratulates him on successfully defending his thesis. There will be a few new members joining her lab alongside Isagi, a mix of postdocs and doctorate students. She’s visibly excited as she tells him this will be the largest team she’s ever supervised. 

“Some of the current members you already know. Kurona, who was one of your previous classmates, is working on his master’s degree, and the postdoc whose project you helped collect data for back then will be with us for the remainder of the year. The last person…” Her voice trails off, and Isagi already knows who she’s going to talk about.  

“I don’t think Michael needs any introduction.” She notices the slightly pained expression Isagi is wearing and pauses. “I promise not to pry. I know you two were close, and it’s been some time since you’ve seen each other. This is only a suggestion, but it might be a good idea to at least message him before you come back to campus. He recently transferred into the PhD program. 

My team has already met the other new members through their rounds of interviews. I’ve told them that I’ve taken in an additional student for the upcoming year, but I haven’t mentioned it’ll be you. I wanted to give you the chance to reach out to Michael before I do so.”

The corners of Isagi’s eyes sting. He’d never told Dr. Teieri that he and Kaiser were dating, but clearly she’d noticed, and her thoughtful gesture touches him. “Thank you. I appreciate that a lot.”

“I hope it goes well.” She gives him a reassuring smile before her focus shifts to a stack of papers in her hand. “Now, in your email you mentioned your research interests were in mechanisms of disease resistance and phototropic signaling. Let’s take some time to go over potential funding in these areas and what opportunities we can apply for.” 

He takes notes as they talk and sends Dr. Teieri the document towards the end of their discussion. Pale winter sunlight shines on Isagi’s face as he thanks her for her time, and she promises to be in touch again soon. 

Saitama Prefecture, February, present time (21 months post-breakup)

If Isagi thought his nerves were intense when he was about to listen to Kaiser’s message,  they’re even worse now. He paces around his room, telling himself not to overthink this, and fights the urge to scream into his pillow. 

It’s just a phone call. He can do this. He can do this.  

It takes him three tries to open Kaiser’s profile in his contacts. Twice he locks his phone mid-attempt and buries his face in his hands. His fingers are shaking, blood rushing through his ears so quickly that all he can hear is the erratic beating of his heart. 

It will all work out, he tells himself, subconsciously recalling Kaiser’s words to him in his voice message without even realizing it, and Isagi straightens. In the next breath, he presses the call button. 

Initially he planned to text Kaiser but decided against it. If Kaiser ignored him and didn’t respond, Isagi would never know if he’d even seen his messages. 

And he’d be lying if he said he didn’t want to hear his voice again.

The seconds spiral as Isagi waits for Kaiser to pick up. Belatedly, he recognizes the possibility that Kaiser may have switched numbers. When his phone reaches the tenth ring, Isagi has all but decided to end the call when the line on the other side sparks to life. 

He stills. Isagi doesn’t know how long he remains frozen like that, staring unblinkingly at the screen, but eventually he shakes himself out of his daze.

He clears his throat uncertainly. “Hello?” 

A dead quiet diffuses through the room, and Isagi isn’t sure whether it’s Kaiser or a random stranger he’s talking to. He forces himself to wait at least until the person speaks, and the silence stretches on for what feels like an eternity. 

After a century, it’s finally disrupted. 

“...Yoichi? Is that you?”

Relief floods through Isagi. He suddenly feels giddy, although it’s quickly smothered by his more rational train of thought. 

A lot can change in nearly two years. Over the past few weeks Isagi had been optimistic, hopeful that maybe they could rekindle the embers they’d left in the spring of their graduation. In a split second reality hits him. Kaiser could be dating someone else now; the last time either of them spoke feels like a lifetime ago.

His mind swirls with doubt. Maybe calling Kaiser was a mistake. He gets so lost in his thoughts that when he filters back into the present, Kaiser is in the middle of talking to him and he has no idea what is going on.

“—you listening? Fucking hell, you can’t just call me out of the blue and not say anything.” Kaiser’s voice sounds irritated, as full of life as Isagi remembers, but if he listens carefully he can tell it’s layered with unsteadiness, on the verge of breaking. “Did you forget that we established a no-contact rule?”

Kaiser drags a hand over his face. His heart had nearly damn stopped beating when he saw Isagi’s caller ID on his phone screen. How many times has he seen Isagi in his dreams, yearning to hear his voice just one more time? Not through a recorded video in his photo album, but in real time, in a real conversation. 

There’s been too many to count. And now the bastard won’t even speak.

He grits his teeth. “I’m going to hang up now—”

“I’m coming back to New York,” Isagi blurts out, and Kaiser forgets whatever remark he was about to say. Time comes to a standstill as the world stops spinning, and within the empty space he finds himself falling through, Isagi’s voice reaches him clear as day, cushioning his descent in a halo of clarity. “I’m joining Dr. Teieri’s lab for doctoral studies.”

Kaiser doesn’t hear anything Isagi says after that. He’s rendered speechless, staring at the wall in shock. The only thing he registers are Isagi’s words echoing in his mind over and over again, sinking into his skin like a fine, delicate mist. “I’m coming back to New York.”

Isagi is the last student Dr. Teieri hadn’t told them about. The final piece of the puzzle clicks into place, and this detail snaps him back to focus. He stands up in disbelief as Isagi continues talking. 

“I’m sorry if this was a shock. I thought I should let you know before May comes around.” His next words are a little harder to get out, and they stick on his tongue. “I don’t know what you’ve been up to since we last saw each other, or if you’re even dating someone else…” He becomes quiet, and Kaiser strains to pick up the end of his sentence. “But I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.” Another pause, as if Isagi is hesitant to reveal his feelings, and Kaiser knows he’s laying his heart bare for him to see. “I never stopped.”

It’s suddenly very difficult to breathe. Kaiser’s throat grows tight, and he blinks through a watery veil of tears. 

“I’d like to see you again before the next semester begins. And I know it’s unfair to put this all on you so suddenly and even hope there’s a chance of things returning to how they used to be, but I needed to tell you this.”

Kaiser swallows, wiping at the edges of his eyes. “What if I never answered your call? Would you have shown up to the lab on your first day of classes and given me a heart attack?” He can feel the beginnings of a smile growing on his face.

“Of course not,” Isagi says, getting emotional whiplash from the unexpected shift in tone. He wonders if Kaiser is messing with him. “I’d have asked Dr. Teieri to tell you—”

“Yoichi.” Kaiser cuts him off gently. “I missed you too.” In his city the midnight stars have finally appeared, illuminating the sky with their radiance, but to him it looks like the prelude to a new dawn. A warmth pours into his soul, flowing like liquid sunlight, and his gaze fixes on a faraway point in the horizon. His voice softens. “You don’t need to worry about anyone else because there’s only ever been a sanctum in my heart for you.” 

“Oh.” There’s a sniffle on the other end of the line, and if Kaiser closes his eyes he thinks Isagi would be hiding his face behind his hands. He always became shy whenever Kaiser expressed his affection for him. 

“It sounds like I really did have nothing to worry about.” Isagi is smiling so brightly he can barely contain his happiness. Within a pocket of space the two of them are floating, existing only in each other’s worlds here and now. 

A few beats of silence pass before Isagi speaks again, emboldened by Kaiser’s reciprocated confession. “Are you free in April?” 

“Why? Are you asking me on a date, Yoichi?” The grin is audible in Kaiser’s voice. 

Isagi’s cheeks heat, and he’s glad that Kaiser can’t see him. “So what if I am?”

A dramatic sigh escapes from Kaiser’s lips. “I suppose I could grace you with my presence.”

“I’ll be back in the first week of the month,” Isagi says, rolling his eyes. “We can plan for something then.” 

“First week of April,” Kaiser confirms, and his heart feels a million times lighter. He thinks it’s going to burst out of his chest.

The sun is dipping low in the sky for Isagi by the time they both agree to end the call. However much Kaiser may try to hide it, Isagi can hear his stifled yawning and it’s well past midnight for him. “You don’t want to mess up your sleep cycle,” Isagi teases, and if Kaiser was next to him he’d flick his forehead.

When he finally leaves his room, the glow of a smile still on his face, Isagi goes to the balcony where his plants live. The days have begun warming ever so slightly as spring draws near, and he’s taken to bringing them outside during sunlight hours before tucking them back inside along his windowsill at night. 

Isagi’s breath catches as he looks through the sliding door. Nestled in a cluster of emerald green are the flowerbuds he’s worked so hard to take care of all these months, residing quietly in the middle of their pot. And as he steps outside, crouching down and cupping one of the buds gently in his hands, he sees that the roses are blooming.