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Katsuki wanted to throw up.
He wanted to scream his throat raw and cry until he couldn’t see straight through the tears. He wanted to break and hurt, he wanted to run and get as far as he could and never look back.
He did neither. He stood frozen, unable to move.
Just a few minutes ago, he was talking with Izuku. They were drinking and eating, laughing and enjoying – celebrating Izuku’s return as hero Deku.
Just a few minutes ago, everything was fine. The best it’s been in the past few years, if Katsuki was to say so.
Then Izuku told him that he made him realize a few things. Then Izuku excused himself to talk to Ochako and Katsuki watched them walk out of the building.
The room was loud and crowded, so after a while, Katsuki stepped out too to get some fresh air. He was surprised to see Izuku and Uraraka still talking. They weren’t that far; in enough distance to have some privacy but close enough in case something occurred. So many heroes in one place were bound to attract some attention, after all.
Despite the distance, he saw them smile at each other. They reached for each other’s hand, a little clumsy due to the alcohol, and Katsuki glanced at his own hand, remembering all the times he got to do the same with Izuku. His lips quirked up at the memories. Every time Izuku took his hand, it mended something deep within his soul. It made him giddy; the sensation never got old.
Katsuki looked up, and promptly wished he never did.
Because Izuku and Cheeks weren’t holding hands anymore.
They were kissing instead.
It felt like someone dumped a bucked of ice water all over him. The whiplash was so abrupt it made his head spin as his mind refused to accept what was he seeing.
Izuku wasn’t pushing her away. He was drawing her closer, actually, deepening the kiss.
Katsuki wanted to scream.
His heart – the same heart he restarted just for Izuku – broke at the sight. His breathing got uneven as pain erupted in his chest, spreading through his body, consuming him fast and without any mercy.
Dying hurt less than this.
Katsuki was never good with words. He spoke through actions. He still tried, though. He told Izuku they’d be by each other’s side for the rest of their lives. He promised, and he made sure to keep that promise.
He thought that if the words weren’t obvious, the suit might be. Izuku had to see just how much Katsuki cared for him, right? Had to understand how much he means to Katsuki, right?
Wrong.
“Kats? Hey, what’s taking you so long?” Kirishima’s happy voice felt completely out of place. “You just dipped suddenly. Keeping an eye on your ma –” He stuttered, the teasing suddenly gone as he finally caught sight of the couple.
Katsuki said nothing. His shallow breathing was so loud in the silence.
There was a hand on his shoulder, than Kirishima was pulling him away. “Kats, no, no, you don’t need to see this.” He made him look away, slowly guiding him back indoors. “I’m so sorry. I thought…”
He had thought too.
All eyes were on him the moment they step back inside, and the mood shifted instantly. He felt tears streaming down his face but for once in his life he didn’t care that other people watched him cry. Watched him be weak.
It didn’t matter anyway. Not anymore.
“Blasty?” Ashido was in front of him instantly, one hand on Kirishima’s arm and the other stretched out to him. “What happened? Are you okay? Ei, what’s going on?” Her eyes roved around the room, a front forming on her face. “Where’s Deku? And Ochako?”
“Let’s not –”
“Outside,” Katsuki find himself saying. His voice was void of any emotion, he barely recognized it. He saw his friends blink. “Together,” he added.
The silence lasted for just a few seconds at maximum. He wasn’t sure what made them realize what exactly happened – maybe it was his uncharacteristic apathy, maybe it was something Kirishima did. Nonetheless, shock and utter disbelief painted their expressions.
“You’re kidding,” Denki breathed out. “Are you – are you for real?”
“Blasty, I’m so sorry –”
He stepped back before Mina’s hand made contact. “I need to go,” he rasped out, breathless.
“Kats, no, don’t do this –”
He turned on his heel and was out of the door immediately, not minding their pleas for him to stay. He blasted himself into the air the moment he got the chance, the cool night air whipping him as he propelled himself higher and higher.
He wanted to scream and shout and cry and laugh. He was so sure Izuku would finally see – everyone was so sure Izuku would understand the depth of Katsuki’s feelings.
They were so sure Izuku loved him back.
He clenched his fists, free falling.
He spent eight years working on the suit, figuring out a future in which they could be heroes together. He saved every yen he could, he calculated and worked himself to the bone. He stopped caring about the ranking because there was no reason to be the best when he couldn’t compete with Izuku for the spot.
He shaped his life around the future they dreamed up together. Devoted himself to this one goal – devoted himself to Izuku.
The explosion went of with his fingers mere centimeters from the ground. The force behind it made him skyrocket once again.
Katsuki laughed. He laughed because he wasn’t sure he’d ever stop if he started screaming.
He wasn’t sure why he expected a different outcome. He was stupid to ever hope Izuku might reciprocate his feelings. An absolute idiot for thinking he’d ever stand a chance.
But Katsuki was a pathetic, pathetic man. And he knew that once the anger disappears, he’s going to crawl back to Izuku.
And he would continue to do so until Izuku tells him to stop.
Because Katsuki couldn’t imagine a world without Izuku in it. Saw no reason to keep going without him.
He loved him way too much to ever let go. So if he had to suffer for the rest of his life, then so be it.
Maybe it what what he deserved, after all.