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She still remembers the first time she did it.
The only time she did it.
Back when their biggest issues were flushed faces and pounding headaches, confused feelings and breath catching. Back when the world felt so much smaller, unaware of the story laid out ahead of them.
Glinda finds herself, time and time again, flipping back to the very first page.
Her hands, so warm, trickling along her skin. Exploring, just so, with gentle curiosity more than anything else. Glinda had promised she would help make her popular, dozens of silly little lessons that landed them here, in their room, talking of romance and butterflies and other deeply secret matters.
Elphaba’s breath catches as Glinda’s fingers smooth over her cheeks, down to her neck, her shoulders. Neither of them know how they got here. Neither of them want to stop.
Glinda reads the last page now. Over and over, obsessively, as if memorizing it might change the ending.
“Elphie,” she chokes, the tears rolling down her cheeks. “D’you have to go?”
“I’m sorry,” Elphaba says, reaching a hand out as if she might just touch her. “I’m sorry, if I could change it, I would, I—”
“Then stay! Stay, with me, with… with everyone. I don’t know who I am without you.”
“Oh, Glinda.” Her eyes close, unable to bear watching her a moment longer. Her hand still hovers, but they don’t connect, not now, not when it feels like the world is burning down around them. “I know who you are.”
“We’re just getting to know each other,” Elphaba breathes, inching impossibly closer. “It makes sense to me.”
“Precisely,” Glinda says. She smoothes over beautifully green skin as if she wishes to take in every inch of it, every stunning mark, every piece that makes this woman exactly who she is, exactly what she will be. She wishes to breathe her in until not even the Wizard could separate the two, until their hearts beat as one and the universe looks that much softer.
Gosh, why is her heart racing?
“You are an excellent student,” Glinda whispers, tugging lightly on Elphaba’s cloak, pushing it down until her arms are revealed fully. “You might be even better than me.”
“That’s high praise from you,” she laughs. “You’re a great teacher.”
Glinda stomps her foot, her skirts flying around her. “Am I not good enough for you, then? If you know me, is that not enough?”
Because she’s always been enough, hasn’t she? That’s what she’s always been told, always been taught. If she can just make her laugh, make her smile a little more, hold her a little tighter— she won’t leave, will she? This isn’t how it’s supposed to work, right? People aren’t supposed to leave her.
She’s always been able to make people stay.
So why is Elphaba inching away? Why won’t she even look at her?
“That’s not it,” Elphaba mumbles, shaking her head. “Glinda, you know that’s not it.”
“Well, what else am I supposed to think?”
“I don’t have a choice—”
“There’s always a choice if you love someone,” she gasps.
And the world kinda sorta freezes.
Elphaba’s eyes fly open and meet Glinda’s and they both just stare for a moment, just stare, the words sitting in the space between them. It’s like they can both physically see them, floating around, trying to find a home, scrambling to understand the meaning. It’s a sudden confession, an aching one, one Glinda never meant to unveil. But what’s she supposed to do now?
She doesn’t regret it, she can’t regret it. It was the very last card she has to pull. If that doesn’t work, what will?
“If you…” Elphaba chokes, “if you love someone…?”
“Do you love Fiyero?”
Glinda startles at the question, having been utterly lost in the fabric of Elphaba’s neckline. Goodness, she had almost forgotten the man existed.
“Fiyero?” she blinks. “Why… yes. I do.”
“What does that feel like?”
Oh, the most difficult of questions. Glinda should be leaping for joy at the idea of it all, giggling and rambling on about how incredible Fiyero is and how excited she is to marry him one day, so why isn’t she? Another version of her would, she knows it, but this version, the one with her hands still tracing Elphie’s skin as if she’s stuck there, well, she can’t seem to bring herself to do it.
There’s something new there, instead. Something… bold.
“Do you want to know?” Glinda whispers.
Elphaba swallows hard. “I’m not sure that love is ever in the cards for me.”
“Oh, the universe has granted stranger wishes,” she giggles. “But I can give you a hint. A sort of… feeling.”
She’s so close Glinda can swear she can hear Elphie’s heart racing.
“What is this… feeling?”
Oh, goodness knows why she does it. Goodness knows it’s a terrible idea. But it’s so tempting, and so close, and who is Glinda if not someone who reaches for all that she wants? Who is she if not someone who tries to make her own dreams come true?
But goodness knows why kissing Elphaba feels nothing like kissing Fiyero.
Goodness knows why every single piece of her just seems to come alive, dragging her closer, cupping her face. For once, the world is not just Glinda, in her own sweet little bubble, but instead has opened for the very first time, opened wide enough that she’s not sure she can ever go back to who she was.
Goodness knows why no feeling has ever felt as good as this feeling.
“That is,” Glinda chokes, taking a sharp breath, “that is what love feels like.”
A pause, a very intense pause, and then—
“With Fiyero,” she corrects, smiling wide. “That’s, uh, that’s what loving Fiyero is like.”
“I love you,” Glinda confesses, burning her throat as it spills out of her. “I love you, Elphie, I can’t lose you.”
“You… love me?”
There isn’t quite an understanding here, maybe, or perhaps Glinda needs to make herself clearer. Elphaba stands so still as if Glinda has just told her she despises her instead, hands out at her sides, and Glinda chokes. Is it not enough? Her very last card, tossed into the wind, just thrown aside?
“I love you,” she begs. “Not Fiyero. I love you, can’t you see? I need you here with me, we can do anything together, if you just listen—”
“I love you,” Elphaba whispers.
Glinda stops, mouth open.
She does?
“I love you, too,” Elphaba continues. “But that’s why I have to go.”
And she just cries, screams as Elphaba turns, running toward her as if this is the answer. She holds this woman in her hands and presses her lips to hers but it doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter, not even all the love in her heart can save her now. This is a story even older than the two of them, with fate’s strings bound so tightly around them that fighting it is futile. They kiss each other so fiercely that it could only ever be a goodbye, and Glinda feels Elphaba slip away from her like water in her outstretched hands, disappearing into the night.
Glinda falls to her knees, crying into her hands.
The last page, she knows it well.
But there’s never any changing it.