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Most of his life, Rick had been used to authority. In the early years of his life, it had been his father’s authority he had followed. Later, it was the teachers, then his superiors on the force. Soon enough, he had become a figure of authority himself and it suited him well. He wore it like a second skin.
So when the world ended and he found his family again, he slipped into the role of the leader without even consciously trying. And they all yielded to him, even Shane.
His word, his way.
But not the feral redneck, no. Their very first argument rocked Rick to the core for more than one reason. His first thought was that this man was too strong, so he had to rely on Shane as backup to take Daryl on. And Shane did so without having to hear Rick say the word.
While Rick explained the situation to the younger Dixon brother, he couldn’t help but pray for a sign of acceptance from him. Never before had he craved another person’s consent like he did in that moment. While that was confusing enough to make him wary of Daryl, deep down in his core he felt that he had to get the man on his side.
Show me a sign, he prayed silently, looking into Daryl’s unfathomable eyes.
When Daryl stopped fighting him, Rick felt swept away by a force stronger than the stormy sea.
Daryl didn’t find his trust in Rick easily, but eventually he did. From then on, it was Rick’s word again and Daryl was his gatekeeper. Heartbreaker. Whenever Rick started to doubt, to get lost in his own world, when he felt far away, Daryl was by his side to center him and Rick felt right there again.
The farther Shane fell away from Rick’s side, the closer Daryl became. He refused to let Daryl pull away again on the farm and his efforts paid off. Daryl stayed with him and helped him carry the weight on his shoulders.
Deep in his heart, deep in his mind, Rick wished Daryl would take him away from all this. Take me away, he called out in his dreams, but the words never left his lips. When he wavered, Daryl reminded him that it was Rick’s call, all of it. Everything they decided. They all followed him. It was Rick’s word.
And Daryl made it possible for him, backing him up with a fierce loyalty Rick had never known before. Daryl was his dream maker, life taker. Daryl opened up Rick’s mind. And Rick let himself lie bare for Daryl to see.
But then the farm fell, Shane betrayed and tried to kill Rick and the world turned upside down. As he fled the horde of walkers, looking back to the burning barn, he thought that all he believed was a dream that came crashing down on him. All that he hoped, was it just smoke and mirrors?
He wanted to believe, he did, but peace seemed elusive.
The prison wasn’t much different in the end.
A prison for Rick’s heart at first, with him and Lori stuck in their failed marriage until death took her away from him altogether. But hope bloomed again after the Governor was defeated and peace came to their new, extended group like soft mist on a spring morning, just to be swept away by the Governor once more.
Rick watched all that he’d known, buildings of stone fall to the ground without a sound as the explosion of the guard tower turned Rick deaf for long moments. Then a cry tore from his lungs, fury burning brighter than a sodium flame. Fighting for what was long since lost.
When he went down, all he could think of was Daryl, wishing he had told him how he felt about the man. Love, he thought. This is my word, Heartbreaker, Gatekeeper. While his mind drifted away from him, he still felt right there.
After this loss, alone with his son who hated him and far, far away from Daryl, Rick started to cave. Where he had burned so bright before, he was now losing his flame. The chances that he ever got to say these three words to Daryl were now close to zero. All he wanted was Daryl’s truth, Daryl’s loyalty, Daryl’s support. He wanted the pain to disappear. But then, in the darkness of his mind, he started to wonder if one wouldn’t eradicate the other. Would Daryl be his dream maker or his life taker?
Would life have mercy on Rick? Would it forgive his sins and his darkest thoughts? Would it let Daryl shine a light on him? Would all that he had ever believed turn out to be a dream that came crashing down on him? After all he had been through, all that had happened, all that had changed and molded him, after all this time, was all that he hoped just a reflection on the water with a storm coming up?
And still, he couldn’t help but hope.
He wanted to believe.
He would believe until the day he died, he decided.
Believe in Daryl, who took his word as it was. Who believed in him. Who would never let Rick’s hopes crush him completely when they came crashing down. Who would hold him over water when he threatened to drown. Who would pull him right back when he felt far away.
Daryl, who stepped up when Joe was about to kill Rick and do worse to Carl and Michonne.
Who saved his life in so many ways.
And Rick decided, no matter if his world really was just smoke and mirrors, it reflected Daryl just fine.
“You’re my brother.” He told Daryl and spelled “I love you” with his hands.
Daryl mirrored him.