Chapter Text
One - Hyacinth
“I heard Phillip Crane has a big-”
“Hyacinth!” Violet cut in, her hastily dropped tea splashing onto the pristine white tablecloth.
“Estate in Kent.” Hyacinth finished, raising her eyebrows at her mother. Gregory snorted, taking another helping of toast for his plate. “Honestly mother, I know you conceived eight children but there are more dignified things to think about.”
Violet soaked up what was left of the spill with a napkin, “I very much doubt you were about to say anything dignified.”
“Well you know what they say about big lands.” Hyacinth offered, studying Eloise, dumping far more sugar than Violet approved of into her tea.
“Tax fraud?” Gregory tried, reaching for a pot of jam.
Hyacinth groaned, “It’s a metaphor Greg.”
“Not a very good one.” Eloise replied, finally giving her sister the attention she was clearly craving. “How would you even know about his assets?”
“I have my ways.” Hyacinth replied airily.
Violet sighed, rather worn down by years of inappropriate breakfast topics, “Girls, this is hardly-”
“May I be excused?” Eloise cut in, fed up with the conversation and the company.
“Do not excuse her!” Hyacinth turned on her mother, “She is practically throwing herself at a man."
“I most certainly am not.” Eloise defended, standing up.
Violet lifted her napkin from her lap, “You do seem remarkably open to the idea.”
Eloise growled, “Because I didn’t go off on some rant about how he’s a privileged white man?”
“Well, yes.” Violet replied, nodding at Mrs. Wilson. “Please extend a Christmas party invitation to Phillip Crane.”
“Unbelievable.” Eloise muttered, pushing in her chair. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the library ignoring your antiquated view of a woman’s worth.”
“Big words from a size queen.” Hyacinth commented with a delighted sip of tea.
Eloise stormed out the room and Hyacinth stole the last bite of Gregory’s toast, satisfied with the start to her day.
The onslaught started slowly, a series of Colin's Instagram posts featuring Phillip and screenshots of his published Botany articles. Eloise sighed, continually deleting Hyacinth's messages as her sister ramped up to include photos of his days on a rowing team, George and Marina's pictures of Phillip and his niece and nephew, a historian's piece of the history of his family home and an article on sustainable compost he wrote up for a local paper when he was 16.
"Would you stop?" Eloise yelled out, knowing Hyacinth was in the house, probably in hearing range, “I’m trying to read!”
"Read this!" Hyacinth called back, closer than Eloise expected. Hyacinth resent a picture of Colin and Phillip at the beach, Phillip's abs on full display. Eloise studied it, for a second time, before swiping it away like all the others. Deciding to be the adult in the situation, Eloise silenced her phone and placed it face down on the table.
Quickly realizing she had lost her audience, Hyacinth materialized in the library, eyes glued to her phone, "Did you know that Phillip graduated with honours from Cambridge?" Eloise ignored her, focusing on her novel. "Only two years ago, so you could have crossed paths." Hyacinth continued to swipe, making humming noises, "Were you there?" Eloise looked up, clearly not following and Hyacinth held out her phone for Eloise to see a group picture with Phillip at the edge. "Colin's birthday. Were you there?"
Eloise squinted, looking at Penelope’s outfit. "I don't know." Hyacinth swiped and revealed a picture of Eloise standing on a table drinking a bottle of whiskey. "I guess I was.”
“You guess?” Hyacinth continued, flipping through the photos. “You spent an entire evening-“ Hyacinth stopped, zooming in on something. “Huh.”
Eloise sighed, lowering her book, “What?” Hyacinth collapsed onto the chair beside her sister, saying nothing. Barely tolerating the torturous silence, Eloise kicked Hyacinth's chair, "What Hyacinth?"
Hyacinth looked up, "Sorry?"
"What are you looking at?" Eloise asked, sounding entirely annoyed.
"Nothing." Hyacinth replied, turning back to her phone.
Eloise grunted, "Hy."
Hyacinth lifted her eyes from the phone, "What are you getting so worked up about?"
"Nothing, but I know better than to leave you alone when you're scheming." Eloise explained, trying to get a look at Hyacinth's screen.
Hyacinth tilted it away, "I'm not scheming. If you met him and there's no spark then there's no spark."
"Right." Eloise said, disbelievingly. "So that's it?"
"That's it," Hyacinth confirmed, getting to her feet. "Enjoy your freedom,” Hyacinth threw over her shoulder before walking out the door.
Eloise stared at the empty doorway, unnerved, before turning back to her book.
Phillip
Is there a reason why your sister keeps sending me pictures of bathtubs?
Eloise
What? I honestly have no idea.
Phillip
You don’t need to ask which sister?
Eloise
Unfortunately not. Ignore her. She’s on a mission to set us up.
Phillip
Like a date?
Eloise
Yes
Phillip
And if I did ask you out?
Eloise
I’d say I already have plans to fuck you senseless