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Tired. More than anything Lucanis was tired.
He sat on the side of his bed, a cup of coffee in his hand. If only he could trust the situation enough to sleep. But he could not. He was just not quite capable of it.
He sipped on the coffee.
“You can. Sleep.” Spite was leaning against one of the shelves in the pantry room, they were still staying at.
At least that was how he appeared in Lucanis’ vision.
Lucanis sighed. He knew he had to trust him. And ever since Rook had talked to Spite, the demon had been a lot more mellow. Ever since Rook had somehow managed to pry Lucanis out of his own mind, Spite had been more cooperative, too.
“You can. Sleep. I will not go.”
If only it was so easy, though. After more than a year of not sleeping. After more than a year of trying his best to stay awake most of the time, sleeping felt quite scary to him. It felt vulnerable in a way he did not want to be.
“I know,” he muttered. “But I… I think I will stay awake a bit longer.”
He had so much to think about after all. Of course, for most of his life he had known that Caterina wanted him to follow her as the next First Talon. It was, what had gotten him into this whole situation to begin with, right? Because Illario had known it too. And the knowledge had driven his dear cousin to do unspeakable things.
Lucanis had just assumed, that with him being possessed he would no longer be considered a viable option. Though maybe Caterina was expecting him to die in this mission either way. They were still up against gods after all. Maybe she had just wanted to show him her love in one of the few ways she knew how. Or maybe… He would not know.
There was a knock on the door, making him look up. “Yes?”
The door opened. Somehow Lucanis was not surprised to see Rook come in. The man was hesitant, still standing by the door. “Can I… Can I talk to you?”
“Rook.”
Lucanis swallowed. “Yes, of course.”
He still did not know how to act around the man. By now even he had realize that the man had romantic interest in him. And it was a mutual interest – only that Lucanis had still no idea how to act about it.
He had read so many books about love and romance. So many books with big confessions, that would end up in kisses – and at times steamier scenes. He would lie if he said, that he had not imagined himself in those scenarios as well. In fact, he had yearned for a romance like that for a good part of his life. But he had never once properly acted on it. Or rather, the one time he had tried, it had ended in disaster.
So now, he was sitting here, watching Rook close the door and come closer.
“I wanted to hear how you are doing,” Rook said. He paused, before coming over, standing in front of Lucanis now. “With everything, I mean…”
“I’m mostly feeling honored.” That was the proper answer, wasn’t it?
“I guess it is an honor, yes,” Rook said. “First Talon. You will be pretty influential, once all of this is over, won’t you?”
“Only from the shadows,” Lucanis replied. He sighed. “I am also relieved that Caterina is alright. I… It becomes a family tradition to come back from the dead, isn’t it?”
“Maybe it is.” Rook was hesitating, but then he sat down on the side of the bed, next to Lucanis.
There was barely an inch between the two of them. It would be so easy to touch him. And Lucanis wanted to touch him. He wanted to feel what it was like to touch another person like this.
Rook. The man had seen all the ugliness inside of him and still, for some reason, was here now. Lucanis could not understand it, but he could feel some thankfulness for it. Thankfulness, and a deep yearning. He wanted to touch this man. He wanted to. But he was not certain how to go about it.
“I promise you,” he said slowly. “When we face Ghilan'nain again, I will not miss.”
“You didn’t actually miss, did you?” Rook looked at him with something like a smile on his face. “She deflected you.”
Lucanis sighed. “It does not mean I did not fail.”
Another moment of hesitation. Then Rook reached out, taking Lucanis’ hand into his own.
It was quite a simple touch. But it was warm. And it was comforting. It still made Lucanis’ heart race, like that of an innocent school boy.
He looked at their hands. In a way, he liked the contrast between Rook’s dark skin and his own paler one.
He dared to turn his hand, allowing their fingers to interweave.
“Rook,” Spite snarled, coming closer now. “We want. Touch him.”
We? Well, Spite was not wrong about it. Indeed, Lucanis could not help but wonder, what it would be like to touch this man – or to be touched. What would it feel like if those warm hands were exploring his body? What would it be like to be caressed by them?
Lucanis had never once felt the sensation of a lover’s caress. Or anyone else for that matter. He barely remembered his parents, and Caterina was not the kind of person to hug a crying child. No. There were many good things he could say about his grandmother, but her being compassionate was not one of them.
No. In fact when he had cried as a young boy, he had been chided for it. And he had learned not to do it. It was a weakness, that he could not show. If you had to shed tears, you had to do it in silence and isolation, when no one else would see your weakness.
He knew this.
And he had never been like Illario, who had such an easy time to find those short-term lovers, who would say with him for a single night – or at times two or three. Finding bliss in the closeness of another living body, Lucanis assumed, rather than in an emotional connection.
“You look tired,” Rook said, his thumb gently caressing the back of Lucanis’ hand.
Lucanis could not help a little chuckle. “You must be imagining it.”
Rook smiled at this. “I am rather certain, that I don’t. How long since you last slept?”
“Is that a trick question?” Lucanis asked.
“It isn’t,” Rook said. “Though you answering this way makes me think you might not even remember when the last time was that you have slept.”
“Ah. I am a trained assassin. I can go a long time without sleep.”
Again that thumb was softly caressing the back of his hand. It was such a soft touch. Such a ridiculously soft touch.
“I think, that if you do not sleep enough, you will be less focused, and will easier make mistakes.” Rook looked at him, and if Lucanis was not fully mistaken, there was something like worry in his eyes. “If you are worried about Spite, I can stay here. Make sure he does not do anything rash.”
“I am not rash,” Spite muttered. “I am good. I will stay. We will stay.”
“I…” Lucanis was not actually sure what he could say to this. He paused, trying to find the right words. “I never slept a whole lot. I am afraid I am not a good sleeper, in fact. I have always had trouble sleeping.”
A little chuckle rose in Rook’s throat. “Oh, I do know some things to do about that.”
Lucanis frowned. “What?”
But Rook shook his head. “No. Don’t worry. I know… I know that you are not that way. It is alright.”
“What way?”
“It’s alright,” Rook just said. He softly pressed Lucanis’ hand. He sighed. “I mean it. If you are afraid, I can stay here, while you sleep.”
“And what about your own sleep?”
Rook just gave the littlest of shrugs. “I think you are having a bigger sleep deficit than me.”
“You said yourself you struggled with insomnia,” Lucanis countered.
“Yes, I do.” Rook fell silent for a long moment. “And because of that I will probably not sleep either way.” Again he pressed Lucanis’ hand. “Please. Sleep. Just for a few hours.”
There were some other thoughts in Lucanis’ mind now. He wondered if he might be able to ask this man to just stay with him and hold him. He could feel a yearning inside of his chest. To be hugged, to be comforted, to be held. But it was just another weakness he could not show. Besides, Spite would still be there. Spite would come out eventually.
He breathed in, breathed out. Then he managed something like a smile. “Alright. I do not want you to worry about me like this. So I will sleep.”
“Good.” Rook’s smile grew a bit wider. “Do you want me to stay?”
“Yes. Stay.” Spite was standing so close to them – or at least appeared like this in Lucanis’ vision. “Make him stay!”
But Lucanis just sighed. “I think, you should sleep as well, Rook. I think, you of all people also need to be rested and ready for battle.”
Rook smiled. “Yes, I assume I do.” He pressed Lucanis’ hand one last time, before letting go of it – even though Lucanis would have given a lot for the touch to last just a bit longer.
“Make him stay!” Spite begged.
Lucanis did not reply to them. He did not want Rook to stay. Because in the end, he could not ask that of the man, could he? “Rest, my dear.”
“I guess I can try,” Rook replied. “Even though it will be hard.”
“Stay!”
“Not only for you,” Lucanis said and smiled. He closed his eyes, feeling his own exhaustion that even unmentionable amounts of caffeine could no longer ward off. “We shall both try, no?”
“Indeed.” Rook got up. “I guess we shall try.” He went back over to the door, pausing another moment. It seemed as if he did want to say something else, but in the end he just muttered: “Sleep well.”
“Yeah,” Lucanis said. “You too.”
“I’ll try.” With those words on his lips, Rook opened the door and left, while Spite was growling.
“Why not make him stay?”
Some part of Lucanis agreed with the demon. The part that still felt the touch tingle on his skin. Oh, how much he wanted to be touched like this. Not just his hand, but…
“Because he needs rest as well.”
“Then he can rest. With us!”
“I don’t think he would,” Lucanis said. He looked into the half-emptied cup of coffee, before he sighed. Then he opened his vest and laid down on the bed.
He let the candle burn, as he looked up to the ceiling. “I don’t think he would.” Even though he really wanted to know what it would be like. To fall asleep in someone else’s arms.
