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“Dinner is served!” came a shout from belowdecks of Argo II.
Nico did not even realize it was that time of day again. How many days did that make since he promised to lead the ship to Epirus and they set sail? He did not care enough to count. These days, he did not care about anything.
“Nico, dinner is ready!” came what he recognized as Piper’s voice. This time, it was closer, she was probably standing on the deck now.
Nico pulled his legs closer to his chest, trying (and probably failing) to hide himself. Perhaps if he was small enough and the others could not see him, they would forget about him. Nico hated how weak and exhausted he still was. If he could, he would have hidden himself in the shadows, away from any prying eyes and demands from annoying demigods.
And speaking of annoying demigods. A blond head suddenly popped up into the crow’s nest.
Nico swore under his breath. He was not even surprised anymore that Jason knew about his new hiding place. The son of Jupiter had somehow managed to discover him every single time. If Nico was not so annoyed, he would have been impressed. It was not as if he chose obvious places.
“Hey, Nico. I finally found you. You are definitely not making this easy.”
Nico scowled, that was exactly the point. So why did Jason keep trying to find him? Every. Single. Time. Did he not have enough to worry about? Or was he bored?
“Go away, I want to be alone,” Nico grumbled, hoping that if he would be obnoxious enough, Jason would get tired of seeking him out.
No such luck. It was not easy to get rid of the son of Jupiter, Nico should have known.
Why could they not leave him alone? All of them, especially Jason.
Can they not understand that I do not want to have anything in common with them? They should keep their distance, like everyone else. So why do they keep trying?
Some days it's hard to see
If I was a fool or you a thief
Jason pulled himself into the crow’s nest, completely ignoring Nico’s death glare. The crow’s nest was small, with two people, there was no space between them. Although their shoulders were not touching, it was a very close call. Much too close for Nico’s comfort.
The son of Hades squirmed uncomfortably. This time luckily, Jason got the message. At least partially as he scooted away as much as he could given the limited space. Half of his body was pushed precariously on and over the railing.
If he complains, I will push him off.
“Sorry. My bad.”
Nico huffed with growing annoyance. Jason could not even give him that small reason to push him away.
Now with a few more inches of free space between them, Nico did not want to jump out of his skin anymore. Though he still hated it. Ever since the jar, he had a hard time handling confined spaces of any kind.
Not that he would ever tell anyone. He had already been forced to reveal one of his most intimate secrets, he was not about to go through it a second time.
If I ever meet Cupid again, I will kill him. God or not.
As if Jason read his mind, he just had to bring it up.
“If you are avoiding us because of what happened in Croatia, you do not have to, you know? No one on this ship would judge you or your sexual orientation. And if they do, they will have to deal with me first. I know you do not want to talk about it, but I am here to listen if you ever wanted to. And the others too.”
Nico had trusted him. He had believed that after the son of Jupiter promised not to tell anyone, he would not continue bringing it up like this either. It was embarrassing and Nico could not help it, he felt his cheeks growing hotter.
He had thought that after the encounter with Cupid, Jason and him reached a tentative understanding.
Guess I was wrong. It is not like were friends in the first place, although I wished for that at one point. Now, I am just going to keep my promise to Percy. And after that, I will leave both camps. Forever.
It stung a little but by now, Nico was used to being let down and having his expectations trampled on. He just really hated having his secrets paraded out in the open like this.
Made it through the maze to find my one in a million
And now you're just a page torn from the story I'm living
Nico suddenly jumped to his feet. His annoyance has shifted into anger.
He stumbled because of the strong wind up in the crow’s nest. He had to catch himself on the mast lest he wanted to be the one who would fall down. He felt embarrassed all over again. He had become so weak, if a monster attacked now, he doubted he would be much help. There had already been so many attacks during which Nico had been completely useless. He hated being a burden and dead weight.
Black spots were disappearing from his vision slowly, leaving him lightheaded and disoriented for a second. When he was back in reality, he realized that Jason was supporting him with a hand on his forearm. Nico yanked his hand away quickly. He was not made of glass so the son of Jupiter did not have to take care of him!
I can take care of myself just fine! It is just that now I need to believe that Jason’s mouth will stay closed about that whole Cupid fiasco. I do not know anymore if I can trust him.
And all I gave you is gone
Nico hated to have no choice but to depend on others. Or on their silence.
How dared Jason mention this again? What if someone was on the deck and heard him? Then they would all know. He would not be able to stay on the ship if that was the case. He would not be able to ever meet anyone anymore. They would all know he liked boys and would look at him. Judge him.
They will be disgusted with me. No one accepts me already because I am a son of Hades. Now they would have one more reason to despise me.
“You are right,” Nico all but shouted, “I do not want to talk about that. Ever. With anyone. So do not bring it up again.”
Jason only lifted an eyebrow, seemingly unimpressed by his outburst. As if he was watching a childish temper tantrum. Nico could feel him laughing at him deep inside.
“Alright, alright, I am just saying.”
Nico petulantly turned his back to the son of Jupiter. He probably just proved Jason’s point, but he did not care. He wanted this conversation to be over sooner rather than later. And if this would convince the other to leave him alone, then it was worth it.
Nico listened for any sound of Jason climbing down the mast and leaving the crow’s nest. No such luck, it did not seem like the son of Jupiter was done with him.
Nico shivered involuntarily. His aviator jacket was doing its best to shield him from the cold evening wind, unfortunately it was not enough. These days, Nico was always cold. Even more so than usually. He never used to have warm hands like the Apollo kids, but they had not been this icy either. He crossed his arms on his chest and tucked his hands under the jacket, trying keep himself warm.
That was a big mistake, Nico realized a second later. Not only had Jason not left yet, but he also noticed how cold the son of Hades was. And apparently, he was not about to let it slide either, ever the nosy kind.
“Nico, just come down with me. If only for a while. You need to get something warm into your stomach and then we can find you some warmer clothes. What do you say?”
Here it was. He just had to bring it up.
Tumbled like it was stone
Food.
Ever since coming back from Tartarus and the jar, Nico has not been hungry. He had gotten so used to the feeling of an empty stomach that now, the sole mention of food was disturbing. It was as if his body was physically rejecting the idea of eating.
Every time he tried (always on insistent pleas from one of the crew, most frequently Jason or Hazel), the food got stuck in his throat. No matter what he chose, his body refused to swallow. It was as if he was choking. If he even managed to deliver the food into his mouth, sometimes he found even this step impossible. He just kept glaring at whatever he was served, willing it to disappear.
When the others were too insistent, he would manage to eat a few bites in front of them. He would always throw it right out again when they stopped watching him. At times, his stomach was so revolted by the idea of getting filled, that he kept dry heaving painfully because there was nothing to force out.
There was only one fruit that Nico could stomach without any difficulties. Pomegranates. He had to laugh at the irony there. He was only able to eat the one kind of food he did not want to ever see again. And even then, he managed just a few seeds at a time. He refused to count them to protect the last shreds of his sanity.
Nico dreaded the moments when one of them called him to come have a meal with the rest of the crew.
They never listen when I tell them I do not want to! It is so exhausting.
“Nico?” Jason asked, now clearly worried.
When the son of Hades turned his head to look at him, he could see an outstretched hand. Jason wanted to touch him again. He should know better, Nico hated physical contact with anyone. Well, perhaps aside for Hazel, but that was beside the point.
He turned around fully now and glared at the approaching hand pointedly. Finally, Jason got the message and lowered his arm with an apologetic shrug. Then, he stood up and used the said hand to pat away some non-existent dust on his pants. Nico snickered. It was way too transparent of an excuse.
“So, the dinner?”
Apparently, the son of Jupiter was not about to drop the topic. With how annoying he could be, Nico did not see any other way but to go. He did not want to be pestered non-stop for the whole night. He did not doubt that Jason would be capable of doing just that.
Nico rolled his eyes before begrudgingly relenting. He already knew how it would end and he did not look forward to it one bit.
“Fine.”
Thought we built a dynasty that heaven couldn't shake
Jason gestured to Nico do climb down the mast first. Probably so he would not try to run away. Nico scoffed at that behaviour.
As if I could run away. The ship is so small, and Jason have already discovered all my hiding places. There is no more running away.
Nico realized just how cornered he was. There were six people on Argo II against him. He was all alone, as always. What happened to him was being decided by someone else, he could only follow. Be it why he had to stay on this ship or whether or not he would eat.
He did not have any free will anymore. His life felt out of control, like so many times before. He did not appreciate it in the slightest.
Thinking back, the only sliver of free will he ever had was the choice to run away. From Bianca’s death. From Camp Half-Blood. From the Underworld and his father. From his powers. From monsters. From people’s judgment. From his own feelings. From his crush on Percy. From Tartarus.
And I could not even do that on my own. I always need saving. Completely useless.
Nico could no longer remember a time when he had had any freedom of choice. Everyone always wanted something from him, wanted to use his powers (or his connection to the ruler of the underworld, his father) because they had a need for them. And when they did not, they despised him and pushed him away. They feared him. He was not welcomed and he did not belong anywhere.
What was this for a life?
Mine, I guess.
Thought we built a dynasty like nothing ever made
Nico was lost in his thoughts and he barely noticed that they have arrived to the dining room. Everyone else was already present and lifted their heads to look at him. Nico wanted to step back, out of the brightly lit room, and hide in the shadows of the corridor.
No such luck (when had he actually ever had any luck?), his back only collided with Jason’s chest. The impact with a warm human body was so sudden, it made Nico jump forward in full alert. He even reached for his sword before he remembered who was behind him.
Embarrassed and self-conscious, he quickly darted towards one of the two empty seats and pretended like nothing happened. If the others noticed, they did not comment on his jumpy behaviour. For which he was grateful.
“Nico!”
Hazel welcomed him with a smile. She was the only one from the crew who always seemed happy to see him. Nico supposed it was only natural, she was his sister. Thought deep down, he could not entirely relinquish the thought that she was being nice out of duty and not because she truly cared about him.
No, stop! Hazel is the kindest person I know. I should not doubt her intentions. She is pure and goes around with her heart on her palm. It is me who is crooked and does not tell her everything. It is all my fault, never Hazel’s.
Nico nodded his acknowledgement to her greeting. He wanted to smile at her to show her how much he appreciated her. How happy he was that he had a sister. She was all the family he had left. At least human family, he did not count Hades, he was a god and gods played by their own rules. In his father’s eyes, he was nothing but a convenient pawn that could be discarded after use.
Or not used or acknowledged at all, just ignored. Nico did not want to decide which in fact was his relationship with the ruler of the Underworld. If he admitted the truth to himself, it would break his heart.
That only left Nico with a single relative. A sister who just placed a plate overflowing with food in front of him. She smiled.
“I got you a little bit of everything. Hope you like it.”
Thought we built a dynasty forever couldn't break up
Nico stared at the food. Even if he had not touched anything yet, his stomach was already revolting. That was way too much.
Does Hazel expect me to eat all of it? Or did she just try to give a possibility to choose what I would be able to stomach?
Yes, that sounded more like Hazel. But even if it was her, Nico still could not make himself want to eat. He was not hungry, how hard was that to understand?
Very hard apparently.
“Yeah, di Angelo, you should really eat something, you look like death.” Leo commented with a half-chewed piece of meat in his mouth while he pointed at Nico with his fork. “No offence or anything,” he added seemingly as an afterthought. Probably because both Jason and Hazel shot him angry glares.
Nico was not far behind them. He scowled and gave the son of Hephaestus the coldest death glare in his arsenal. That seemed to shut him up. Leo looked down to his plate and focused on annihilating his steak with angry jabs of his fork.
Nico snickered under his breath. It was so easy dealing with at least one of the crew members of Argo II. If only it applied for the rest of them as well.
“I am not hungry.”
Nico grumbled for a good measure. He knew he would not convince anyone, but he still wanted to show them his displeasure.
“Leo is right, kid. You need to eat. Everyone does, that is just the way of nature. And,” coach hedge shook a huge bulb of celery with leaves still attached, “the food is great. Compliments to the chef.”
Piper blushed and everyone else laughed. The atmosphere around the table was suddenly cheery and relaxed. Did they not take into account that there was an impending war waiting to happen?
How can they be so carefree? I do not understand.
Nico picked up his own fork and poked at the food on his plate. The nauseating feeling was back, he thought he would be sick. He put the piece of cutlery back to the table. He should leave now, before his stomach decided to make him throw up its non-existent contents.
Nico started getting up only to be stopped by a gentle hand on his arm. He looked at Hazel and saw her pleading eyes. His heart did some complicated gymnastics before it dropped right through the floor of Argo II and disappeared in the ocean hundreds of feet below the ship. He could not deny her anything.
Nico sat back down but did not pick up his fork again. He could stay for his sister, but he could still not eat. That was impossible.
“Will you not try even a few bites?” Hazel asked with a hopeful expression.
Really, why did everyone keep insisting he had to eat? Nico snapped.
“I told you I am not hungry! Why do you keep pushing so much. I just do not want to eat, is that so hard to understand?”
Nico watched in horror how his sister’s eyes filled with tears. She looked hurt. She was hurt. Because of him.
Nico did not get time to apologize. Before he even opened his mouth, as shocked as he was, Piper jumped up from her seat beside Hazel’s. She hugged the daughter of Pluto around her shoulders and glared angrily at Nico. After long days of tension, she was not holding anything back.
“What is your problem! We are just all worried about you, Hazel most of all. That is why we want you to eat something. Is this how you are repaying us? By being a brat? Just eat dammit!”
Oh no. The last part was Charmspeak.
A scar I can't reverse
Nico tried to fight the order and failed miserably. Piper’s Charmspeak was nothing if not powerful. He had heard the story how she managed to control both Jason and Percy at the same time, and also how she commanded and disoriented monsters in a fight. The son Hades stood no chance.
Nico picked up his fork against his will. His eyes filled with tears as his body moved on its own, shoving bite after bite into his mouth. He felt like he was choking. For once though, his throat did not constrict and he kept swallowing again and again. Until there was nothing left on his plate. He reached for the glass of water in front of him and chugged it down in just a few gulps.
Then, it was over. As abruptly as he had fallen under Piper’s control, he was released. His stomach was cramping painfully, not used to such amounts of food.
Nico quickly put a hand over his mouth in a vain attempt not to vomit. He felt sick. Sicker than he had ever felt in his life and somehow, it was getting worse by the second. The tears he had been holding back were now flowing down his cheeks freely. He did not have enough strength to fight them, he was in way too much pain.
He could feel everyone’s eyes on him. They were judging. They thought he was weak and pathetic.
I need to get away. Now.
Nico bolted up from his seat. His only thought was to run, no matter where, just run so people would stop looking at him.
His stomach growled angry to protest the sudden movement. The next thing Nico knew, he was on his knees and retching all over the floor. The barely chewed bits ended up all over his T-shirt and pants, not that he cared. He had other things to worry about.
Now that his stomach was empty again, it settled as if nothing had happened. Nico stopped feeling nauseous and he could concentrate on what was happening around him. Which he would rather not do.
The situation resembled a nightmare. At least in Nico’s eyes.
All the crew members were gathered around him, some crunched down and others standing and peaking above them. He felt trapped. There was a huge pool of sick on the ground. The smell was making Nico nauseous again. His clothes soaked with disgusting residue were clinging uncomfortably to his skin. He must have looked revolting.
How are they not affected? Are they just having fun doing this to me? Are they satisfied now?
Nico’s breathing was picking up. He felt rising panic overtaking him as his hands started shaking.
No, no, no, no. What have I done? If they did not hate me before, they for sure do now. I am disgusting, throwing up like this. I just ruined their mealtime. I always creep everyone out. I am so pathetic and weak. I cannot even manage to eat a simple meal like any normal person!
“Nico, I am so sorry. I did not mean to use Charmspeak on you. I was just so frustrated. I could not control it.”
“Dude, that was sick.”
“Feeling better now? Do you need a tissue or something? Water maybe?”
“Are you alright kid? That was some spectacular puking. Shame I did not catch it on camera.”
“Not helping, coach!”
“Nico, fratellino mio, can you look at me? Everything will be alright, just look at me.”
And the more it heals, the worse it hurts
All those voices were coming from a distance. Nico heard the words but he could not understand them. His brain was short-circuiting. He did not want to stay here. He could not stay here. He had to run and hide. Where no one would see him and no one would mock him.
He had to go.
Nico swatted away a hand that he only now realized was on his shoulder. He was running before he knew it. He had no idea where to. Just not here.
After several turns in the belowdecks, Nico’s legs took him to the machinery department. Even in this state, he was grateful for it. He had hidden in here before, he knew there was a small bathroom in the back. He headed straight into it and slammed the door shut.
There was no key, so no way to lock it, but he would deal with that later. First, he wanted the disgusting and smelly clothes off. He tugged at the rim of his T-shirt and stopped immediately. The sensation of the fabric ungluing itself from his torso with a wet squelching sound felt too nauseating.
Nico did not want to be sick again so he changed tactics. He jumped into the shower with his clothes still on. He hoped that after enough water run over them, they would be cleaner and easier to remove.
Cold water came out and Nico could not find it in himself to care. He just stood there and let it do its job. It was slowly washing away both the sick and his tears. Was he still crying?
Why? WHY? Why am I still here?
Nico wondered just as he started shivering from the cold. He could not say for how long he had been in the shower. His body now resembled a piece of ice more than anything else. He switched the water off and promptly slipped to sit on the ground. He drew his knees to his chest and buried his head between his hands. He kept crying.
He knew why he was still here. It was because he had made a promise. The promise he was now cursing, just like the one who had asked him to make it.
Percy Jackson.
The demigod who was now lost in Tartarus. The demigod who kept fighting under any and all circumstances and have never run away from anything. The demigod who was counting on Nico to lead the rest of the seven to the Doors of Death in Epirus. The demigod who had never thanked him for anything he had done to try and help.
Gave you every piece of me, no wonder it's missing
Don't know how to be so close to someone so distant
Nico did not know how long he was lost in his thoughts, sobbing unconsolably. He had cried like this only once, when Bianca died.
He had no idea what he should do now. He had a promise to keep. At the same time though, he did not think he would be able to face anyone on the Argo II ever again. It was a dilemma.
A soft knock on the door made him lift his head slightly. Who could it be? He could not imagine that after the display he put on in the dining room, anyone would come looking for him.
“Nico, are you in there? Can I come in? I brought you a change of clothes.”
Hazel.
It was his kind and ever-considerate sister who came to find him. Not that Nico had expected anyone else. He was tired, so tired. And cold. The change of clothes sounded like a heavenly idea.
It is Hazel. I have nothing to be afraid of. She would not laugh at me or anything. At least I hope so.
“Come in.”
After what happened in the dining room, there was nothing for Nico to hide anymore. Nothing he had to hold onto stubbornly. Perhaps it was alright to lean on his sister for once in his life? He could not do this alone anymore.
He hugged Hazel and continued crying into her shoulder. He was not alone.
It all fell down, it all fell down