Chapter Text
Describing Alec as trepidatious would have been lacking comprehensiveness. Not only was he also anxious, but angry and empty too. Angry at the fact that the memory demon had outed him. Empty because without a secret to hold onto and the boundaries and roles in his life defined, he had no idea of knowing what would become of him.
The first thing Alec saw when he stepped into the hotel room was a blond boy shorter than him looking out the only window on the other side of the room—Jace.
The space was small with barely enough room for the bed, which was decorated with all-white linen, and the small, low-to-the-ground cabinet that lacked a television. There was a round table crammed into the corner and two metal chairs beside the window which Jace was observing the train tracks and skyline through.
The door thunked behind Alec, giving him a fright. By the time he turned back into the room after securing the door, Jace had also turned and was looking at him, with crossed arms. He looked like he wanted to say something profound to quell both their uncertainties, but all he could muster was "you came," words he never thought he'd utter. If someone had told him that Alec—his parabatai—would have considered not coming when he had asked, he would have considered throwing them to the ground.
Alec nodded the slightest of nods, then his eyes darted away from Jace to the wall and he folded his arms. He still felt ashamed.
Jace looked, surprisingly, less glum and more affirmative than Alec.
"Alec?" His tone was comparable to that of a stranger who thought they'd spotted a long-lost friend out of the corner of their eye, and called their name just to check; wary and curious, but hopeful. When the stranger didn't respond, Jace was prompted to uncross his arms and step forward. Alec responded with haste by taking a similar-sized step backwards. A surge of dread passed through the younger and shorter of the two. Jace arced his gaze down to the floor and bared his teeth, angry at himself. It took him a moment, but he was insistent on trying again.
"Alec? Look at me." It was a plea not answered. "Look... I know I'm not usually..." Jace sighed. "Interested in asking questions first?" He thought, in combat and matters of life and death it was easy to know what do - move quickly and ask questions later or be overcome and killed. The need had not arisen for him beforehand where it was necessary to tiptoe around certain topics and think before speaking, but discussions of emotion like this one required decorum and sensitivity. Jace's tactical side knew that.
In a roundabout way, trying to not impede on the length of space between him and Alec, Jace sat down on the edge of the bed. Alec moved as he did, along to the edge of the room and then to the window.
Alec was taller than Jace anyway, but the blond boy lowering himself to the height that the bed was at exemplified an innate understanding of both humans and animals, though not demons, that in doing so they were willing to relinquish the upper-hand by opening themselves up to being attacked easier. It was a strategic move; an attempt to garner Alec's affinity by making him feel like he was supposed be in charge.
"I want you to help me understand," said Jace. Need and want. Though Alec had moved past the bed to Jace's original spot and was looking out the window, Jace's gaze was trained squarely on his parabatai. In an almost pleading-come-apologetic tone, Jace said, to Alec's back, "Please."
For a moment that lasted just slightly too long, nothing. Then Alec turned, slowly, continuing to clutch his elbows with his hands. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came. He had pictured many instances in which Jace and him spoke candidly and about them, but not in a way which could very well, from his perspective, have been described as interrogatory.
Jace removed his leather jacket, rolling it off his shoulders to reveal the plain black t-shirt underneath. It was in the blond boy's nature to be overt, Izzy would have used the word forward instead, but he did try to remove said article of clothing in a way that was not particularly sexy, seeing as it was really not the time to tease Alec like he would with anybody else who had been revealed to like him. His fingerless biker gloves and tactical boots, both also black, followed, thrown to the corner of the room with little regard for any sense of order.
Jace shuffled over on the bed so that he was on the side closer to the door. It was possibly a way of putting a barrier between Alec and the exit. Then he brought his feet up and reclined. It was a move made graceful by his particularly tuned muscles; a necessity for any shadowhunter.
"What are you doing?" asked Alec. If anything could un-stun him, it would be his need to question most things Jace did.
"Lie down," said Jace, patting the empty side of the bed with a smile that could only be described as cheeky, like a child trying to lure their friend over to them by teasing I know something you don't but I'll tell you if you come here.
"Why?" If Alec had a quota of things-which-would-make-him-leave-and-close-himself-off-again, it was beginning to be filled.
"Just lie down on the bed," Jace insisted. When Alec didn't move, Jace said "Just lie down, look at the ceiling, not at me, and when you're ready to talk, we'll talk. I'll do the same, no pressure. We can stay as long as we need to." He spoke not like a principal trying to mine a confession out of a student who refused to admit they had done anything wrong, but rather like the person he never knew until now he was, one that, out of concern, was willing to wait for another person to begin a dialogue, but not push them to it.
"The Clave—"
"Will not know. And will not care if we're just lying on a bed together, Alec. My parabatai, my—" Jace halted himself before he finished the sentence. Brother. He gritted his teeth and pressed his eyes closed with knitted brow. "My best friend is what is important. Not some antiquated rules."
Alec glimpsed at Jace through a squint. He was both surprised and impressed by his parabatai's scholarliness, enough so that the use of the term best friend seemed to take a back seat in his mind.
"But what about—"
"The Institute?" Jace interjected. "Nobody will mind we're gone. I promise." His expression turned from serious and somewhat cunning into a hearty smile. "I know how you think, parabatai."
Jace didn't realise it, but of course the irony was that that statement was barely even a half truth.
Alec moved...slowly. He was going to lower himself onto the bed when Jace pointed at his boots.
"We're shadowhunters, not cavemen."
Alec rolled his eyes. The sass was not something about Jace he disliked—except for maybe when he was the one being sassed.
Like Jace before him, Alec removed his jacket and tactical boots. He descended onto the bed next to Jace and settled with interlocked fingers resting on his chest, rising and falling with his steady breaths. He looked up to the high, white ceiling and was silent.
For a good 15 minutes, the two stayed like that. The thoughts that passed through the boys' minds were two sides of the same coin. Alec pondered what he should say to Jace and what he needed to ask to ascertain a new platform which made sure both of them were happy. He considered what he needed to tell Jace to be fully honest with himself, now that he had nowhere and no excuse to hide.
Meanwhile, Jace thought about the questions that he thought he would be asked, and wondered how honest he could be with Alec when he hadn't even considered, in the privacy of his own mind, many of the myriad of things he thought would come with being in love with your straight friend who've you been raised with like family.
Out of the corner of his eye, Jace noticed Alec's lips part.
"I'm sorry."