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Derek was slowly entering consciousness. He began to open his eyes, not recognizing the room he was in. The cat painting on the wall seemed pretty familiar. He remembered admiring it at some point the night before. He saw some movement in his peripherals as Stiles walked into the room, quietly cleaning random things and putting others back into their proper place. Noticing Stiles’ clothes, Derek was suddenly very much aware that he was completely naked under the covers. He felt self-conscious in the light of day, the small pain on his collarbone from bites making somehow feel more grounded. Stiles looked at him for a second and smiled. Derek felt his stomach drop a little bit. The previous night coming back in bits and pieces.
Derek was at Stiles’ new place. Stiles had just finished moving everything in and the place was beautiful, with a fireplace and a small, but adequate kitchen.
“Thanks for coming guys!” Stiles said as he pulled down some cups out of a cabinet. “Sorry there’s not much for entertainment yet, but the internet people are coming this weekend. I do have some cards if you can get down with some Go Fish.”
Derek smiled, his heart fluttering at Stiles’ clearly nervous giggles in his words. Derek hadn’t known Stiles for very long, they met at the bar Derek and Erica worked at. Stiles had just moved to Beacon Hills from Chicago. And to Derek, well, Stiles was the most interesting human being he’d met. Stiles never had anything bad to say about someone, even when Jennifer was being extra bitchy at everyone. He would always just smile and nod at her and be polite.
Derek had been pretty infatuated with the man since that day and Erica knew. She was the one who got them talking one day. Erica had that thing about her that reminds you why hurricanes are named after women. She was scary, and beautiful, and in the end she somehow always got her way. So, here they were at Stiles’ new place, Derek a bundle of nerves and trying his best not to just kiss Stiles every time he did something adorable like make a Matt Damon joke or use his funny accent on certain words. Derek was in deep and he still didn’t even know if Stiles was into dudes.
“Um,” he started. “Hi.” He was standing with just a blanket on looking for his clothes.
Stiles looked at Derek and smiled, “Good morning!” he came up and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. Derek’s stomach fluttered and then lurched a little. He tasted gin in his throat and it was not agreeing with him, but he didn’t want to not kiss Stiles. If anything, he only wanted kiss Stiles. He loved the way their lips felt against one another.
“Good morning,” he said sleepily. His voice still scratchy like it always was first thing in the morning. As he was getting dressed Stiles continued to talk to him.
“So, what do you want to do? We can watch some TV, um, or…” he trailed off, a look of thought on his face. “Well, I don’t really know what. What do you normally do in the mornings?”
“I normally sleep. I work nights, remember?” Derek said.
Stiles laughed a little, “Oh yeah.”
“But TV is good,” Derek smiled at him. The conversation was awkward and stilted and Derek wasn’t sure how to get back to their usual banter. He put his head on Stiles’ shoulder when he sat down on the couch with him, Friends playing in the background.
Erica had just left, Stiles walking her back to her car. Derek was definitely feeling all the vodka he’d been consuming throughout the night. His movements wobbly. He was trying his best to figure out how to work Stiles’ oven and failing. Suddenly he realized he never turned it on to bake. He felt the most stupid at this point.
Stiles walked back into the apartment, “Hey there.”
Derek looked at him, the attraction was there for sure. Derek felt it. He wanted nothing more than to just kiss Stiles. Instead, he looked at the oven and said, “I finally figured it out. We never turned it on.”
“No! I did turn it on,” Stiles walked over to the small kitchen to look at the oven. “I turned the temperature on see? 425 degrees.” He pointed at the temperature dial with his long, thin fingers. Derek admiring them for a second too long.
“But we never turned this dial,” reaching for the center one, “to bake.”
“This oven is stupid.”
Derek looked at Stiles and let the alcohol take over. He wasn’t really sure who initiated the kiss, but suddenly here they were. Their mouths pushing against each other. Their teeth biting every so often. Derek’s head went foggy, he felt euphoric. He had been waiting for this moment for the past 2 months. It was here. He put so much thought and energy into figuring out if this was ever going to happen. His nerves were at a high point.
Somehow they made it into the bedroom, their clothes suddenly gone. He wasn’t sure what to expect fully. He started to kiss other parts of Stiles’ body, his teeth scraping the other man’s neck and chest. He felt their bodies rutting against each other as they continued the exploration of their bodies.
Derek looked down, seeing their erections against each other. He loved the way Stiles’ penis looked. It was somehow just as perfect as the man it was attached it. He took a breath and wrapped his mouth around it. Sucking up the length of it and then taking it all in again and again. His tongue was taking in every taste of the man, his nose taking in every wonderful scent of musk and lust radiating from him. Derek looked up at Stiles, the other man had his eyes closed, mouth open in an O shape, and his face was slightly flushed. Derek only ever wanted to see Stiles in this state of bliss. He loved the view of the man from this angles, all of the hills and valleys of the man’s body structure on display, enhanced by the upward angle that he saw them as he lay across a bed. A bed that was way more comfortable than the pictures gave justice from earlier.
“What do you want me to?” Derek whispered at the man. Derek was what some may call a submissive. He only cared about what the other person wanted.
But, Stiles was the most polite human being ever. “It doesn’t matter. You do what you want to.”
“I want to do what you want me to do.”
“You’re not some slave or toy that I can just use and do with whatever I want. That’s not really how it works. I want you to feel as fulfilled as I do.”
Stiles clearly wasn’t getting it. “What I want is what you want. I get off on you getting off. So just tell me what it is you want me to do.”
“I want you to do what ever is going to make you happy and turned on.”
Derek felt his frustration rising, maybe it was because he put so much pressure on this moment and on himself for this moment to happen. He wasn’t one hundred on that part of it all. The alcohol was preventing him from rationalizing it. “You’re not getting it. I only want to do what you want me to do.”
“That doesn’t seem fair, man. I don’t want you to feel used. I want us both to feel fulfilled.”
Derek wanted to scream, this is not how he had imagined it all happening. And yes, he had imagined the two of them naked in a bed before. Plenty of late nights were spent in the dark thinking about how this moment would unfold. Derek thought a lot, about everything. He hated making others feel not happy. He hated when things weren’t perfect. And this, the perfect man and the perfect night, were suddenly turning into a not perfect situation and it was all because Derek was unable to explain himself. He felt his eyes water up, his frustration at himself overwhelming. The moment ruined.
“Hey, hey. It’s ok,” he felt arms touch his stomach and his arms. Of course Stiles was going to try and calm him down right now. That was the person Stiles was. “Hey look at me,” he heard.
Derek opened his eyes, looking into a pair of brown ones. He hated himself for ruining this moment.
“Hey, stop thinking ok? Just take a breath, its ok. Just be here with me,” Stiles’ voice was relaxing and it was weirdly working on Derek. He could feel himself start to calm down.
“Derek, it’s been 6 years since someone else was in my bed. There’s a reason you’re here. Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Derek felt the covers move a little more. “Just lay down and be here. Breathe. It’s going to be ok.”
Derek felt his body relaxing more and more. His thoughts moving a less frantic pace.
“Oh my god,” he said as he opened his eyes again. It had all come back to him, the breakdown he had in Stiles’ bed. That was why things were so weird. It was his fault. “I am so sorry.”
“Nah man, you don’t have to be sorry for anything.”
It was the fact that Stiles knew why he was apologizing and even what he was apologizing for that settled it. Derek had messed up. He knew it. He wanted nothing more than to hide away and let his shame consume him. Then he remembered that Erica had taken his car last night. He was stranded. Oh god, he was stuck to face his mistakes head on. He brain started going a mile a minute.
“Let’s get you home,” Stiles said to him. Derek figured Stiles could feel his shame. He was taking pity on him, Oh god. He would never live this down.
The drive back to Derek’s place was just as awkward as the morning had been. He wasn’t sure if he was just making it awkward, if it was all in his head, or if this would really be the end of something he wanted so badly and then never really got. That seemed to be a theme in his life. He should’ve known he wasn’t supposed to have something as wonderful as Stiles in his life. It also didn’t help that his body felt weak and disgusting from all the alcohol the night before. This morning was anything but good.
When they got to Derek’s house, Stiles smiling at him like the Earth Angel he was. They kissed goodbye, a soft peck that Derek couldn’t really read. It felt obligatory, but he also knew that hangovers made everything feel obligatory.
Erica was on the couch as Derek climbed through the doggy door.
“Tell me I’m dreaming,” she said in a sleepy haze, staring at him sneaking back in like he was 16 all over again.
“You are. This never happened,” and he went to his room to drown in his self-pity and self-hatred.
When he woke up he talked with Erica, her outlook on the situation much more bright than his own.
“Derek, you think way too much about things. Just let it happen. I’m sure he’s just as discombobulated about this whole thing as you are. Just don’t go crazy over something like this. It happens. Hell, it took Boyd and I at least 4 rounds of sexual interactions to really get it down. It’s all a learning experience with someone new. And no offense, but this isn’t some hook up you found on Grindr. This is Stiles, and I know you want more than just a simple one night bang.”
“Ok, yeah you’re right.”
“At least we know he’s into dudes now! So, there’s one answer,” she said in a false hope kind of way. He was sure that she could tell that Derek had plenty of other unanswered questions now. He wanted to know so many things, and he wanted to continue to apologize to Stiles over and over for ruining his night. Was it needy to text him now? Was it going to feel like Derek is being desperate? He didn’t know, but he didn’t really care. He shot off a short text, attempting for the same banter they normally talked with and waited, hoping for some sort of sign that maybe it was ok for him to continue to pursue this. Whatever it was.