Chapter Text
Castiel’s POV - Now:
Castiel, pinned beneath the weight of a man straddling him, felt the cold, sharp tip of a dagger pressed against the delicate skin of his throat. Tears streamed down both of their faces, mingling with the relentless downpour of rain, blurring the lines between sorrow and the storm. The man's grip on the dagger trembled, a raw mix of rage and anguish contorting his features, his eyes blazing with a fiery hatred that threatened to consume them both. Yet, despite the danger, Castiel met his gaze with a profound sorrow, his own tears blurring his vision.
With the natural will to survive, Castiel strained against the blade, his muscles taut and trembling, holding the deadly weapon at bay with all his might. Every fiber of his being screamed in protest, yet he held on, his eyes locked with the man's, a silent understanding passing between them. The air crackled with unspoken words, the tension so thick it threatened to suffocate them both.
The rain continued to fall, a relentless torrent mirroring the turmoil within their hearts. The man's grip on the knife tightened, his knuckles white with strain, his breath coming in ragged gasps.
“Why?!” Dean’s voice. His Dean, breaking into harsh sobs, hissed. “Why did it have to be you?”
He didn’t have an answer.
If he could do it all over again…
…He didn’t think he would make a different choice.
“I’m sorry,” Castiel whispered slowly easing his hand on the dagger much to Dean’s surprise as he allowed Dean his chance for revenge.
Dean, muscles taut and ready for a final, desperate struggle, felt surprise ripple through him as the pressure on the knife eased. His words were heavy in the air, and every labored breath between them seemed to stretch the time as Dean relaxed his hand slightly now being the only force against the dagger. The tip of the knife hovered against Castiel's neck, like a guillotine blade ready to fall. They both knew if the dagger were to plunge into his neck it would be Dean’s choice and Dean’s choice alone. Their chests heaved as the back of Castiel’s hand wiped the blood that spilled down his pale face from his bleeding hand.
“... I’m so sorry.” He continued to Dean.
Dean’s hand trembled as his mind fought over his heart on the choice he needed to make. Castiel’s eyes looked into the greens that might have had colors almost too vibrant for his eyes to see.
How did it ever come to this?
The answer may lie hidden within a diary, left to decay at the base of a small bunched-up group of towering Redwood trees located in the Toska forest in Saudade, California. Those fortunate enough to explore the park's majestic giants might just stumble upon this secret, tucked away from prying eyes. Though most didn’t keep evidence like this, Castiel couldn’t help his need to hold onto them. Worried if they were burnt the memories within it would be lost forever.
If one was lucky enough to find this particular journal, they’d find a love story steeped in tragedy.
A love doomed before they could even begin.
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The past:
Diary Entry for Friday, December 13th,
It’s time again. I got to eat. I can’t put it off any longer. Waiting for a perfect victim who will never come. You would think in all my years on this planet I would morally accept it by now. However, I find myself constantly analyzing who should be next.
He’d be easy, but he’s a single father. I can’t orphan a kid. Nope.
This one's job is too complicated to fake, so skip it.
Not her, I hate her perfume—You get it.
Now I found myself unable to be so picky. This body was decaying.
That’s the problem with being a shapeshifter.
Despite the fact I wasn’t actually wearing their bodies, Shifters needed to constantly cycle out of the form they took. The longer I stay in a particular form, the more it decayed around me, until, like a hermit crab their shell was too little to contain them. Then, without it. They die.
To consume is to live.
The cycle was to find a human—an animal if desperate (You never ever want to be that desperate), kill and consume the frontal lobe of their brain. By eating the part of the brain that makes them…well, them. Eating it kicks off the shifting process, once that’s done you get rid of the body. Live out their lives for a bit, which could be anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. Which can be a bit complicated. Which is why you hang out with the person first. Figure out how they act in person or how they talk. Just so you aren’t too noticeably different or they lock you in a psych ward.
Which is why it has to be a living person and not someone from the morgue.
That and the whole coming back from the dead thing can get messy.
My body, Ruby Everly, is rotting.
I need to find a victim tonight.
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Shifter’s POV:
Walking down the street, shivering from the Winter’s freezing winds. Ruby’s heels clicked on the floor as they glanced down the bars and the options given to them. Which vibe were they looking for for their next life? They were just a girl. So maybe a boy? Honestly, they had no right to try to be choosy right now. They needed a body now—
A man rushed out of the bar, nearly colliding with them. He seemed to be in a hurry, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.
“Hey, watch—!” The Shifter hissed at their rudeness. When the man’s gaze moved to them as they passed. As soon as their eyes met, his greens to the Shifter’s…whatever they were… the man's tears became apparent. He looked at them with a silent apology, but he continued towards the car he seemed to have come here with. The Monster opened their mouth to speak but they were interrupted when someone else shot out from the bar panting watching the crying man driving off.
“DEAN!” The man yelled before he bent over trying to catch his breath. “...fuck.” He ran a finger through his hair distressed.
So obviously something was going on between those two.
Normally he would be against getting involved…
…He tended to try to avoid victims with current major dramas…
…but desperate times.
“Hey.” The Monster called as the man glanced up. “...You okay, love?” They flashed the sweetest smile they could despite the fact they were miserable in a black mini skirt and fishnet stockings. “...You fighting with your…boyfriend?” The insinuation clearly disgusted him, judging by the look on his face.
“He’s…not my boyfriend.” He breathed standing up. “He’s my best friend.”
“Hm.” The Shifter nodded glancing in the direction Dean went off to. “He seemed pretty upset.”
“...We just got into a fight.” The human breathed. “It’s nothing.”
“Didn’t look like nothing.” The Monster spoke, they eyed the man who was debating what to do. “...Want to talk about it?”
“...No, I should go after him.” He mumbled sniffing as he moved for his keys.
“Come on.” The Shifter touched his chest stopping him from passing. “Give each other some time to cool off.” Running their fingers down his chest tenderly, they knew they had him. His eyes moved to theirs taking in the pretty face he also found himself liking so much to take himself. “I’m Ruby.”
“...Castiel,” Castiel spoke as Ruby beamed.
“Buy me a drink?” Ruby hummed.
“Aren’t you comforting me?” Castiel shook his head as Ruby tilted their head with a giggle.
“It would make you feel better to buy me a drink.” The Shifter flirted. Castiel eyed them amused before opening the door for them. Walking inside, Ruby’s face fell to annoyance for only a moment before their smile returned with Castiel leading them to the bar.
It was only a few more drinks to intoxicate the man.
He slurred and mumbled as the Monster walked him into the woods. If the man had been sober, he would have noticed how much stronger the Shifter was. Able to balance his sporadic fluctuations in weight as he mumbled to himself still ranting about the fight with his friend. Ruby rolled their eyes as they kept an arm around his shoulders, walking him deeper and deeper off the trail.
“...Just don’t get it, man. We were fine till now. Look. I may have felt what he was picking up but he…he just fucked everything up. I don’t know how I can look him in the eye now.” Castiel mumbled. “...When I get home…I’m just going to cut ties and leave him to rot...Hey, where are we?”
“You like this place?” Ruby asked letting him go with a grunt. The man tumbled to the floor as Ruby brushed their hair behind their ear. Their eyes scanned the forest area near the train tracks, just out of sight of any prying eyes. Though there wasn’t anyone, it was silent and abandoned this late at night. “Pretty, right?” They pointed to a small amount of wildflowers near a pathetic stream as they caught their breath from carrying them practically all night. “Peaceful?”
“Y-Yeah?” Castiel mumbled as Ruby glanced around one last time quietly pulling a dagger from behind their back. “I-I thought you were taking me home?”
“I mean…” Ruby’s eyes glowed silver. “...Home in the biblical sense.” Raising the blade, they lunged at him as Castiel’s bloodied screams sounded only a short moment before being silenced forever. It only took an hour or two to hide the body. They knew the routine. How to bury him, where to bury him—the works. The Shapeshifter's thick oils and scent covering a corpse were threatening enough to keep any sniffer dog or wild animal from digging it up and preserving the body as long as possible. He even had the bonus of not getting too much blood on Castiel’s clothes, which meant they could make their way to their new home without drawing a crowd.
Beep Beep
The Shifter smiled finally finding the car, which could be the hard part of this thing. Last time, they spent hours trying all the cars in the car parking lot because Ruby hadn’t changed her car fob batteries. This was an upgrade from their last junker. Castiel must have been made of money. Turning on the car, they started the heat enjoying the feel of the warmth on their skin. They sat in silence, observing his new form. When they shifted, they inherited all the damages the person had, becoming an exact copy. Their body even replicated past injuries and foreign objects, like metal rods or disks. However, these objects were made of cartilage, not metal. They might fail a scan, but upon physical touch, they would feel like something foreign was there as it was meant to be.
All ten fingers.
All ten toes.
Back seemed fine.
No physical defects so far.
Pulling out Castiel’s phone, they scanned their cloned fingerprint opening the device. Scrolling through his Facebook first, they figured out a few things.
His new name was Castiel Jonas Novak.
He was Twenty-one.
Castiel was an only child to two very religious ultra-conservatives.
A full-time college student at Hiraeth College where he studied to become a high school math teacher.
And…
He stared watching a video of a man trying to open a wine bottle as Castiel laughed on the other side of a camera from a few years ago.
“Dean!” Dead guy snorted as Dean tried to put the wine bottle in a sneaker to try to open it. “This is so dumb!”
“It’s a hack! I saw it on five-minute crafts.” Dean snickered hitting the shoe against the wall. “It’s not my fault you drank your mom’s wine and now we have to replace it!”
“She’ll notice if it's too full!” He laughed.
“It’s not my fault you couldn’t remember where you put her wine opener—!” Dean chuckled.
“I doubt it’s going to—HOLY SHIT!” The Dearly departed gasped when the cork started to come out. They both exchanged looks as he was ushered to continue. Dean wasted no time to hit the wall some more. “Keep doing it! It’s almost—!” The video ended abruptly with laughter and gasps as the wine erupted from the bottle, spilling onto the floor.
This was the guy at the bar.
The one in tears.
At least the name matched up.
He didn’t get a good look at him as he left.
Right, their fight.
No matter how much he pried the drunk Castiel. He wouldn’t say more than Dean ruined their friendship and that he was mad because he had a feeling Dean thought something but wouldn’t go into detail.
Maybe that would work to his advantage.
End the friendship and just pretend to hate the guy.
It was Dean’s fault anyway.
Castiel shrugged lazily putting his GPS to home and started to drive off.
Goodbye, Ruby Everly.
Hello, Castiel Novak.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________
Diary Entry for Monday, December 16th,
I had a weekend to adjust.
I should have figured Castiel lived on his parent's dime while in school.
Awkward to have to live with parents again. Normally I made sure they lived alone.
I didn’t have time to background check.
Playing off any weirdness by saying I had the flu, which got me out of church and most other obligations while I got my bearings. But I did not want to stay another day under the thumb of the restrictive regime of the corpse’s parents.
This should be easy.
God, when was I last in school?
I have no idea what I’m doing.
But it’s just school.
All I have to do is just slide on by till I finish with this form.
Easy Peasy!
Except…
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Castiel’s POV:
“...I don’t know where my classes are,” Castiel mumbled frowning as he looked up at the school. Taking in the intimidating old building, he found himself contemplating his options.
Option 1: Go to the office and play dumb.
Option 2: Scramble and hope Castiel wrote down where his classrooms were—which he was sure wasn’t an option anymore. He was in the middle of the school year.
Option 3:—
Someone rammed into his shoulder from behind making him grunt in surprise, the person didn’t glance back at him as they walked towards the school.
“Hey, watch—!” The Shifter hissed at their rudeness when it dawned on him who that was. That was the man Castiel had that huge fight with at the bar.
That was Dean.
Dean Winchester.
Shit.
He should keep avoiding him.
He was a variable he couldn’t really estimate. Messing with him and whatever shit show he walked into could end in disaster. He couldn’t begin to understand the ramifications of messing with Dean Winchester, especially with not even a hint to what it was about. However, the idea of playing stupid to the school receptionist…? Rubbing his chin considering the risks before he sighed and slightly jogged to catch up to him.
“Dean!” Castiel called as Dean continued forward slightly speeding up. He tilted his head raising an eyebrow at Dean’s attempt to ignore him, following him till he realized he was standing in the men’s restroom. They were alone, which Castiel was grateful for. Leaning on his hip and crossing his arms, he stared at the back of Dean’s head. Watching him wash his hands, it was rough and obviously something he was doing to look busy, focused only on that. “Dean—”
“I don’t want to talk to you.” Dean interrupted as Castiel smirked shaking his head.
“You don’t go out of the way to get my attention if you didn’t want it.” The Shifter explained making Dean tense. “You obviously wanted me to come follow you in here.” He moved slightly trying to see Dean’s gaze in the mirror as Dean gripped the sink. “Did you want to talk about yesterday—?”
“Why are you asking like yesterday didn’t happen?” Dean turned upset to all hell.
Because he didn’t know what happened yesterday.
He froze slightly trying to read the room.
“Look, let’s just put this behind us—” He tried but Dean glared.
Okay. Wrong answer.
“You can’t pretend it didn’t happen, Cas!” The human snapped.
“Then just apologize.” The Shifter spoke. “It was your fault, right?” The hurt on Dean’s face made Castiel hesitate.
Fuck.
This is exactly why he didn’t pick people with fucking drama.
He wasn’t the type to body hop so quickly but maybe he should just get a new host and call this a loss.
“...I won’t apologize for how I feel,” Dean mumbled, rubbing his face and turning away. There was a sadness and defeat in his voice that almost felt too raw to witness. Castiel glanced down at the ground trying to think before he sucked in air and glanced up.
“...Dean,” Castiel spoke softly. “...I’m going to be honest…I don’t remember much from last night.” Dean turned frowning at his words.
Time to pull out the playbook.
“I got drunk after our fight and fell hitting my head on the curb outside the bar.” The shifter lied with the grace of a lawyer. Dean’s eyes soften at that. “I can remember we fought but I can’t remember why.”
“You’re lying.” Dean breathed but Castiel could tell he got him, hook-line-and-sinker. He may have noticed it was a lie…but when you trust someone…you tend not to believe the red flags violently waving in your face.
Humans are such trusting fools.
Good for him though.
He took a step forward making Dean glance down holding himself.
“...Please tell me why we fought,” Castiel whispered as heartfelt as he could muster. It was quiet for a long time. So long that Castiel debated just calling it a day, so he did. He sighed, turning away, rolling his eyes once his back was to him, moving to leave.
Humans are such annoying creatures—
“...I kissed you,” Dean whispered so softly making Castiel freeze with his hand on the door. “...and you freaked.”
Castiel said nothing absorbing this information just listening to the sound of a dripping sink.
He could perfectly imagine what had happened.
Both slightly tipsy men having a good time at a bar. With them dancing and laughing the night away. He wondered if it was something the cadaver said that made Dean take the plunge or if it was a look. No matter. He imagined Dean’s fingers sliding to cup Dead-stiel’s face under the bright colorful lights hidden by the darkness of the club and pressing a heartfelt kiss to his lips. Heart pounding in his ear only to be shoved back with a look of horror.
Now he understood what he was rambling about all night.
“...Just don’t get it, man. We were fine till now. Look. I may have felt what he was picking up but he…he just fucked everything up. I don’t know how I can look him in the eye now.” Dead Castiel mumbled. “...When I get home…I’m just going to cut ties and leave him to rot…”
The dead guy knew Dean liked him.
Knew.
No wonder he had said during shots that he was disgusted and he’d hope Dean get his shit together.
Oh, Dean.
Falling for your homophobic best friend raised by hateful parents in a bigoted cult of a religion.
Castiel’s eyes soften at that realization.
Humans are so…ignorant.
Pining for a Heaven or God that may or not be there.
Destroying each other for him.
Instead of living for this life, the one they for sure have.
He, himself, had no gender or sexuality. He became whoever he was. Normally, he could isolate himself without romantic connections. Single men and women. Easier to be isolated when you don’t have those to come home to. Besides, it felt icky to fake a romance with someone who thought he was someone else.
However, he found himself in the middle of a romantic dilemma.
He slowly turned to look at Dean who didn’t look at him, it was obvious he had those tears in his eyes he was trying to blink away.
“You’re…in love with me,” Castiel whispered as Dean glanced away even more unable to look at him. He could admit…he had never been confessed to. Never had to deal with a situation like this.
If he stuck with Dead guy’s dying wishes, he should reject him quickly.
Squash Dean’s heart like it was nothing.
It was nothing to him, anyways.
Even if it made the Shifter feel icky.
However…this might be beneficial in the long run.
“...” He walked over to him slowly taking in Dean’s expression before he softly cupped his face forcing Dean to look at him. He eyed his face with care before sliding his hand away. “...I’m sorry for last night, Dean. You didn’t deserve that…It just took me by surprise.”
“...I know,” Dean whispered. “I should have asked before I—”
“We were both drunk.” Castiel waved him off softly, holding himself laughing it off. “...Let’s forget what happened last night.” Dean frowned. “Hold on, let me finish.” Dean continued to furrow his brow. “Let’s just start fresh. Today. So…confess correctly. Like it’s the first time.” Dean sighed, rubbing his arms quietly for a long time, Castiel thought for a second he made a mistake before Dean stood straight.
“...I’m in love with you, Cas,” Dean whispered as Castiel searched his face. “...I’ve always been in love with you.”
His eyes slid over Dean’s face, taking in the man who looked like he would shatter if the wind blew too hard.
Castiel was going to die anyway.
He would have to move on.
Find a new place to take.
This…would be good closure for Dean.
Ending this on a good note.
Might as well make the unknown time they had pleasant.
Dean helping him navigate life.
And Dean getting the love he always wanted.
Let’s end it on a high note.
“...Let’s date,” Castiel spoke making Dean’s sorrowful face waiting for the rejection turn into one of shock. “...I’ve only ever seen you in a friendship light. So…woo me, Winchester.”
“...Are…you serious?” Dean breathed taken back.
“Yeah.” He shrugged crossing his arms like it was no big deal…because it was.
He can just go on a couple of dates with this guy and then he won’t feel so guilty moving on.
End Castiel’s life on a good note and depart knowing this would be a good memory Dean could remember to comfort himself with.
It’s better than feeling icky being homophobic.
So on a scale of guilt, it was be a homophobic piece of trash or giving this man some good but false memories…He picked the memories.
“...What about your parents?” Dean asked confused, his brain trying to catch up with the information being told to him.
“What about my parents?” Castiel took a step towards him. “I’m an adult, Dean. I have my own thoughts and feelings…and though I may not be in love with you…you mean the world to me, Dean.” He reached out touching Dean’s hand with care. “...I don’t mind…trying to see if there’s something more there.”
“...” Dean let out a shakey breath as Castiel’s fingers slid into his own holding it tenderly. Dean slowly started to tear up but he quickly blinked them away, he let his head fall back letting out a relieved chuckle. Castiel could feel the tension leaving Dean’s body as the human leaned back against the sink.
“What? Did you think I would reject you again?” Castiel teased at his relieved laugh.
“...Honestly, yeah,” Dean mumbled slowly, moving to look at him. “Let’s just say you were never cool with the lgbt—”
“—People change, Dean. Especially when someone they care about needs them to.” The Shifter spoke, making Dean sigh with happiness, Dean reached up his free hand softly caressing Castiel’s hair. It was tender and Castiel himself admittedly noticeably tensed, leaning out of the touch. He wasn’t used to affection like this.
“Sorry.” Dean choked realizing Castiel was uncomfortable but Castiel shook his head, grabbing it and placing Dean’s hand back there. He needed to get used to this. Touch. Especially since he started down this path. He needed to play his role, he felt Dean relax at the invitation. He softly brushed the back of his fingers against Castiel’s cheek before he lowered his hand. “We should get to class.”
“Right.” Castiel glanced down awkwardly.
Right.
Classes.
“Hey…I wasn’t kidding about hitting my head. I’m a bit foggy with where my classes are—” Castiel sucked on his teeth.
“Are you okay?” Dean asked, concerned, touching Castiel’s head with tenderness.
“Peachy.” Castiel beamed. “Mind just showing me where they are? I’m sure you’ve taken me, right?”
“Sure.” The human nodded moving to take Castiel’s backpack.
“Yo-You don’t have to.” Castiel choked shyly.
“Please. It’s what couples do.” Dean waved him off. Though he was sure Dean was doing this out of concern and not because they were suddenly dating. “Come on, I’ll take you to your classes till you get back into the swing of things.”
Perfect.
Castiel smirked when Dean moved past him to get the door, the Shifter turned and happily followed.
Maybe he could just wait this out after all.