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There’s a penguin on the screen, miraculously evading a seal’s sharp, bullying mouth, and Luffy can’t decide if he wants the penguin to live or for the seal to get to eat something instead.
Luffy is supposed to be doing something else. Something not related to the penguin or the seal or the TV in general. But he doesn’t remember what.
There’s a suit jacket on the floor next to him, a dark red that Nami bullied him into renting ages ago, and his shirt is unbuttoned in an effort to not overheat in the late spring humidity. The tie in his hands is wrinkled from how tightly he’s clenching and twisting it while his eyes stay locked on the icy escapades on-screen.
Around him, Luffy vaguely hears Sanji teasing Zoro and Usopp over something about clothing and knots.
“It’s just a Windsor knot. You wrap the wide end around here and then- Ah, forget it, it’s faster if I just do it myself. I’m not having you ruin Nami and Vivi’s magical day because your fashion sense never progressed beyond grade school.”
“The hell does that even mean, curly brow? Just ‘cause you wore suits to high school doesn’t mean the rest of us are slobs!”
“The Great Usopp will not be insulted by such implications! But, uh, he also wouldn’t mind if you want to lend a hand?”
It’s not about sailing knots, so Luffy doesn’t care.
When Robin turned on the TV for Luffy earlier, she told him to wait for everyone else right there so they could all go over together. He doesn’t remember where they’re going, but he knows it’s not far at all and it’s gonna be fun! All his friends are here wearing really fancy clothes, he can smell good food wafting in from somewhere, there’s the sound of a band setting up in the massive backyard outside, and even if the sky is little cloudy and the day is hot, it’s still gonna be an amazing party.
So it’s fine that he’s waiting for his friends to finish getting ready. It’s worth the wait when he knows a good time is coming.
And in the meantime, there’s a British dude with an awesome accent giving a voiceover to an awesome penguin who’s dodging and ducking and diving his way to survival against all the odds, outmaneuvering the massive seal in frigid waters.
Luffy watches, captivated, as the penguin weaves its way between the icebergs. Ice floes come together in thin underwater alleys for the penguin to navigate. But the seal is never far behind, eel-like as it slides between the cracks of ice and water. The seal even manages a few scrapes of teeth against the penguins feathers. The music swoops in time with the action.
It’s a physical effort for Luffy to unclench his jaw and relax his shoulders every few moments.
After a final decisive burst of speed, the penguin erupts from the sea in a heroic leap to land safely out of the seal’s reach. Luffy gasps, grinning when the penguin waddles away in victory and the narrator reassures Luffy that all is well.
“The penguin lives to see another day. She’ll return to her colony, where her mate and chick are waiting for her.”
“Yay!”
“But now the seal will go hungry.”
“Boooo!” Luffy throws a thumbs-down as he yells at the TV. Being hungry sucked. He totally understands the seal being sad. Maybe he should find a snack for himself?
“Luffy, what are you watching?”
“I dunno. Robin put it on and told me to wait here until everyone’s ready. Is the party starting soon?”
He thinks he hears Sanji mutter ‘like distracting a toddler’ but he’s not sure. Sanji frowns at the fabric twisted in Luffy’s hand. “Nami’s not going to be happy you did that to your tie.”
“So? It’s just fabric?”
Sanji’s tie has lots of complicated looking knots and twists in it. Luffy’s eyes try to follow the twists but even in such a small area he gets lost and his eyes start crossing. He shakes his head and turns back to the TV, where the British guy has started talking about the seal and is showing a bunch of baby seals all flopping on top of each other in the snow.
It looks fun, and he wants to join them. It’s almost as hot as it was in Las Vegas a few months ago. Making snow angels with baby seals sounds so much better than sitting in a suit he can’t move in. Even if Nami was nice enough to let him wear shorts instead of pants today.
(“Just remember, you’re standing behind people for photos, got it? Everything has to be perfect or else those old fogeys will eat me alive- No! Not literally, Luffy. You know what I mean.”)
Luffy can’t remember why there need to be special photos for a party, or why people need to be standing in specific places for them. Maybe someone built an awesome tower of food and wants to take a photo of it before letting people eat it?
He’s forgetting a lot of stuff today. Maybe he should get Sanji to make him a tower of food before this party. That’ll help.
“Are those seals?” Sanji’s eyes have found the TV too.
Luffy grins. “Yep! Doesn’t that snow look fun? And cold? And not sweaty?”
Sanji hums, eyes still fixed to the TV. He sits on the couch behind Luffy as the British narrator moves from baby seals to schools of weird looking fish in the same icy waters. A cloud of long, thin fish swim in sync while the British guy describes gross things like anti-freeze and ice fish, all while seals circle the cloud like a pack of wolves.
He grins when he hears Sanji mutter, “How do you even cook an antifreeze fish?”
There’s new fish on the screen. Loads of them. Giant fish with sails for fins (“A sailfish, Luffy. You know that’s what it’s called.”) and if the increasingly epic music is anything to go by, they’re about to do some serious hunting.
“To herd their prey, the predators raise their huge dorsal fins.”
Luffy is fascinated by the display. The large fins fold and unfold like sails on a ship, and it’s easy to imagine sailors on an old sloop yelling commands to each other on deck, unfurling sails and steering the ship to cruise with the wind. He’s entranced by the sharp turns and sudden fwick of fins under water, herding their prey before striking in a sudden stab.
Fwick!
Missed that one.
Fwick-Thwack!
Got it! Two in a bite. Those sailfish are so fast!
“Thought they’d use those sword mouths more? What a waste,” Zoro grumbles next to Sanji on the couch.
Sanji quips, “Says the weirdo who thinks it’s normal to fight with a sword in your mouth.”
“Yeah, how do you not have a punch card to your dentist? I worry about you,” Usopp teases from where he’s cross-legged on the floor next to Luffy. He’s got a giant cloth napkin tucked into the collar of his shirt, catching the spillage of his snack so he doesn’t “ruin the nice tie Vivi’s dad loaned me for today. Seriously, the guy’s practically royalty. He could have me assassinated or something if I’m not careful!”
“Vivi’s dad wouldn’t do that,” Luffy tells him, eyeing the mango slices on Usopp’s plate with predatory interest.
“No, but the witch would. She’s marrying into a diplomat’s family. Of course she’d use those connections for all they’re worth,” Zoro points out.
Sanji shoves a knee into Zoro’s ribs. “Don’t you dare talk about our sweet Nami like that! She’s a cultured lady of the world! Royal in all but blood!”
Luffy doesn’t have to look behind him to know that the two are glaring at each other like they always do right before they’re about to come to good-natured blows.
“A mis-timed strike from one sailfish could fatally damage another, but each continually changes its color from blue to striped to black. That warns it’s companions of its intentions and also confuses the prey.”
“What are you all still doing in here?” A voice exclaims from the side door. A quick glance reveals Vivi’s friend, Kohza, wearing a colorful set of robes that simultaneously look tons more comfortable than the suit Luffy’s being stuffed into but made of such fancy material he’d probably get yelled at for doing something as normal as sit in them. “Guests are arriving and everyone is sitting down to start the ceremony. You need to get out there and claim your seats. As Best Man it’s my job to-”
“Are you gonna run out of seats?” Luffy asks.
“Well, no, the wedding planner made sure there would be enough, but don’t you want a front row seat to your friends’ wedding?”
Luffy tilts his head and frowns. “Whaddya mean? We already saw it?”
Sanji, Zoro, and Usopp all kick him.
Kohza’s eyes narrow and he stalks toward Luffy, robes swishing as he does. “What do you mean you ‘already saw it’? The ceremony hasn’t started yet?”
Usopp’s voice goes high and pitchy as he throws himself between Luffy and the other man. “Ahh, he means at the dress rehearsal! And all the times Nami had to practice those ritual cups and stuff at home. She practiced all the time and made us watch and Luffy is totally just remembering all the practice! That’s all!”
Kohza stops his advance but crosses his arms. “Those ‘ritual cups and stuff’ are a sacred part of my people’s culture. Sharing water is a holy rite symbolic of sharing life like the life Vivi and Nami are going to share now and-”
Luffy decides these details are unimportant. His focus returns to the TV.
“Sailfish live a high octane life.”
Somewhere between Kohza talking about boring stuff, the sailfish ending their super cool hunt, and the British guy moving on to narrate a scene with bugs, Kohza finally goes quiet and asks, “Are those locusts?”
Zoro hums. “If it quacks like a duck…”
Luffy can almost hear how wide Kohza’s eyes must be for him to sound so in awe as his eyes find the TV too. “So many locusts, just eating everything. That’s biblical…”
There’s a wave of colorful crabs on the screen, hopping like they’re made of springs from one low-tide rock to another, careful not to get near the water’s edge.
“These crabs seem to be afraid of the water.”
There’s an ominous camera angle shot from below the surface. Then a sudden Snap of slithering predator snatching the crab in its blunt-toothed jaws.
The whole group gasps and starts yelling. Kohza’s crying and making a lot of noise about how cute the crabs look and how it’s not fair that they’re getting gobbled up by eels.
It’s distracting. So Luffy yells louder.
“Get your eats, lil’ crabs! Go get your dinner! You too eels, Get Your Dinner!”
Zoro is his usual stoic self, but even he’s balanced on the edge of the couch, knees jumping with nerves in front of the action. His voice is sharp as he nags, “Luffy, you can’t root for all the animals to eat each other. Pick a side. And make it the crabs.”
“But it’s so epic and I’m hungry and so are they!” He counters around bites of mango from Usopp’s plate. Usopp is too caught up in the action to notice.
“…But nowhere is safe.”
An eel slithers across the dry low tide rocks, setting up another ambush. It’s enough to have Usopp chomping on his nails and Luffy chewing on the ruined tie with his newly acquired mango slices. But then the screen reveals something new that has Luffy and the others shocked and awed.
“An octopus?” Usopp shrieks. “Why is there an octopus on dry land?! The eel was bad enough. Are they allowed to do that?”
“That’s the coolest! But you gotta get outta there lil’ crab guy!” Luffy’s full-arm shooing doesn’t make the crab on the TV move any faster. He grinds his teeth every time the camera zooms in on one of the crabs. It’s like looking at a cornered rabbit about to be devoured by a fox. The crab’s fidgeting claws are tucked next to what Luffy thinks is its mouth and its stick-like eyes search every which way for the oncoming danger.
The octopus sets up an ambush of its own, curled in a puddle and camouflaged like the surrounding rocks.
“It’s like a mystery superhero power!”
“Luffy, be quiet! It’s going to eat that poor crab!” Kohza cries, tears welling up in his eyes again.
Even Sanji’s crying now too, almost as loud as Kohza, when the crab scurries across the shallow water, dashing for safety. It’s short legs flit across the surface, tap-tap-tapping to the other side. With every second that passes, the music builds and tension grows, and all of them are just waiting for the inevitable snap.
It comes when the octopus springs up and out of its watery ambush, alien-like limbs unfurling to reach for its shelled prey.
There’s a sharp, collective breath from the group.
The octopus misses.
Shoulders plummet and breaths are released in a huff. Behind him, Luffy hears Zoro sag back into the couch with a sigh. Luffy chuckles. Even Zoro isn’t immune to the epic awesome-ness on screen.
The relief is short-lived when the camera shifts to that same crab launching itself across a chasm of a tidepool, only to have an eel launch itself out of the water, jaws latching onto the crab’s leg. They splash and fight in the water, just below the surface where the camera doesn’t quite pick up all the action, which just makes it all the more intense. Kohza’s crying has turned to screeching, and Luffy absently kicks him in an effort to make him stop because he wants to hear what happens, dammit!
A miracle later, the crab breaks away to chase freedom. It clambers back onto the rock and out of reach of the eel.
“Made it!”
There’s a cheer from all of them. Luffy hollers, happy the crabs will get their gross-algae dinner after all, even if it means the eels and octopus don’t get to eat.
Actually, that doesn’t sit right with him either.
“In two hours time, when the tide turns they will have to run the gauntlet all over again.”
Luffy turns to Sanji. “I’m hungry. Can I have something with crab in it?”
Zoro snorts and Kozha stares. Meanwhile Sanji and Usopp both raise their eyebrows at him. “We all just got emotionally attached to keeping the crabs on the screen alive, and now you want me to cook crabs for you to eat?”
Luffy shrugs.
Sanji sighs. “No, I’m not making anything for you before the ceremony, crab or otherwise. Just finish Usopp’s mango and wait for the happy hour hors d’oeuvres like the rest of us.”
“Wha- Dammit Luffy! That was my mango!”
Luffy grumbles, but turns back to the screen in time for Usopp to pull the last mango pieces out of arms reach, and for Kohza and Zoro to start arguing about the baby iguanas now popping out of the sand on a different, sandier beach. The little lizards are watched by an menacing crowd of snakes, beady black eyes locked onto their movements.
“And now the snakes are on the alert. This is the best feeding opportunity they will get all year.”
Usopp is already back to chewing his fingernails. “That’s not even fair!” He complains. “There’s a mob of snakes and just one little lizard. He’ll never make it!”
“Shishishi, he’s still gotta try!” Luffy’s already grinning ear to ear, reaching for another mango slice. Usopp spots him this time and dumps the last of the mango into his mouth, chipmunk-cheeked, in response.
Luffy chuckles and returns his focus back to the screen.
There’s an under-dog iguana, the music is getting intense, and every scene they’ve seen so far has been one high-octane chase after another.
This is gonna be epic.
If Luffy thought Kohza’s crying was loud before, it’s nothing compared to his screeching now.
Then again, Luffy and the others are right there with him.
Unlike the crab chases, where the camera only followed a couple of crabs and only one or two got eaten at all, these beach snakes (“Racer snakes, Luf-! Oh shit! That one came outta nowhere!”) are getting their fill of tasty lizard meat. Luffy loses count of how many baby marine iguanas fall prey to the snakes and their coiling doom.
Everyone has long since abandoned their seats on the couch and floor, all standing and jumping and screaming at the action.
One after another, an iguana is filmed dashing across the sand. On the beach they gain distance and even get away from the slithering predators. But then they have to jump over rocks and avoid obstacles and the waiting snakes make their moves, springing their traps and bodies upward to snatch the iguanas out of the air. Their scaly bodies coil around their prey, squeezing the life out of them as they start gobbling the baby iguanas whole.
“Hey, that’s like what you all said I do at buffets!” Luffy remembers.
Sanji kicks him. “How can you joke at a time like this?!”
“Another hatchling has its first glimpse of a dangerous world.”
The British narrator doesn’t say much after that. And he doesn’t need to. The epic-ness of the chase is enough to have all of them screaming every time an iguana sprints across the sand and a swarm of snakes chases after it.
But every so often there are pauses in the action and music. Moments that give Luffy hope for a lizard’s survival when a lizard will stop on the sand to check its surroundings. Luffy and his friends all clench their shoulders and each other in fear. Then the snakes emerge from their hiding places and both the lizard and music pick up again in a dramatic scurry that has all of them yelling even more curses at the TV.
Luffy doesn’t even notice the side door open again until an old man’s voice wheezes with authority through their cheers, “What is the meaning of this?!”
Kohza drops his hands from where they were doing a bad job of hiding his eyes and snaps to attention, just like people do in the navy when Gramps walks by. “Ah! Mr. Cobra, sir! What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be with Vivi, or at least resting?”
Vivi’s dad is flanked by two burly guys dressed like an awesome bird and a dog. At least, they’re wearing a weird combination of modern bulletproof vests and bodyguard stuff along with old timey, fancy desert robes that sort of look like animals. The robes are in colors bright enough to make a rainbow look dull in comparison and Luffy feels dizzy staring at the kaleidoscope of fabric.
Vivi’s dad is wearing similar robes that, disappointingly, don’t look like an animal. He’s also got a pinched look on his face that Luffy recognizes from all the times Gramps used to yell at him to “get back here! No grandson of mine is going to skip school to be a feral gremlin in the woods!”
There’s more wheezing, then Cobra-guy heaves a breath and continues, “I’m here to understand why my future daughter-in-law’s friends are not yet seated for my daughter’s wedding, and why all of you and the Best Man are instead screaming profanities at the television!”
The old man struggles for breath after his tirade, shoulders heaving up and down. His bodyguard animal friends both reach to keep him upright but he shrugs them off.
Silence falls over the room. Sanji shuffles his feet against the carpet, Usopp shrinks into himself, and even Zoro look stiffer than usual.
“…If the hatchling keeps it’s nerve, it may just avoid detection.”
Luffy points to the screen, where the British guy with the fun accent has picked up his narration again. “The snakes wanna eat that iguana. We can’t leave until we find out if he lives or not.”
Vivi’s dad says nothing, but his face goes through several funny twists and pained groans. The groans end in a sudden shriek when his eyes lock onto the screen, where one of the lizards has somehow squirmed his way free from the stranglehold of a dozen snakes to avoid certain doom.
“Ah!!! How did he do that?!” The old man yells, hands jumping to clench his hair in shock.
“Right?! It’s so awesome! Go Lizopolis 5000! You can do it!” Luffy doesn’t even realize he’s latched onto Vivi’s dad in a side-hug until the guy in the dog robes pulls him off, so he latches onto Usopp instead. Usopp is much happier to latch back, arms just as tight around Luffy and screaming just as loud for “Lizzo the Lightning” to make it.
Their iguana-Houdini races across the sand, snake after snake in hot pursuit. Jaws open wide, unhinging to take a bite of the iguana. As the iguana makes a daring series of jumps up volcanic boulders better suited to the snakes eel-like movements, it hurtles itself over a dark abyss in a leap of faith. A snake in biting distance leaps after it and opens its gaping jaw, fangs fully visible against the blackness of the hole below.
The snake falls just short, and down into the darkness.
“A near miraculous escape”, and they all go nuts.
Luffy doesn’t know how much time passes. Maybe a few minutes, maybe an hour. There’s another snowy scene on the TV. Plants pop out of the shallow snow and the British narrator sounds a lot happier compared to the last hunts they’ve watched, so it’s less immediately epic and more fun.
The burly guards that always follow Vivi’s dad keep making noise about how close the time is to some hour or whatever. It’s super annoying. They keep interrupting the narrator guy. But whatever hour they’re talking about can’t be more important than watching the world’s grumpiest, fluffiest cat play in the snow with a soundtrack of bouncy, funhouse music.
“A Pallas cat. He has the densest fur of any cat in the world. Nonetheless, to keep warm, he must catch up to five rodents a day.”
The side door opens again, and a woman screams, “You assholes! Are you kidding me?!”
“Top of the menu are voles and gerbils.”
A hush falls over the room, and even the narrator is silent at the sudden intrusion. The only one not silent is Sanji, whose eyes turn into hearts as he twirls and coos at “Nami-sweet’s angelic beauty! It brings sunshine to the cloudiest days!”
The clouds outside are darker now, matching Nami’s glare.
Nami charges forward, tripping over her long robe-dress before recovering in time to yank on Luffy’s ear. “Luffy, why aren’t you dressed yet? What are you all screaming about and-” There’s a sudden inhale from Nami as she seethes, “What the hell did you do to your tie?”
Luffy winces at the pressure on his ear. “There were iguanas getting eaten and crabs too and Sanji won’t make me food!”
“So you ruined your tie and chewed on it? You know how important today is! Everything has to be perfect!”
“But you already did today!” Luffy yells back.
Usopp chimes in just as Cobra-guy and Kohza start asking what Luffy means. “He ate my mango too! But see, Nami? I have a napkin so my tie is perfectly clean! Now you don’t have to charge me an arm and a leg on behalf of Vivi’s dad for getting it dirty! Mr. Cobra sir, look! I take good care of stuff that people loan me!”
Nami releases Luffy’s poor ear and huffs, hands finding her hips somewhere in the pile of fabric she’s wearing. “Robin said she was keeping you all out of trouble until the ceremony, but she clearly forgot to give you an alarm clock for when to be there in the first place!”
“Oh c’mon!” Zoro complains, finding his voice. “Luffy’s the one who needed distracting. The rest of us are just keeping an eye on him.”
“Hey!”
“Doesn’t change the fact that you’re all late to my wedding! It’s literally in the backyard of this mansion. What is the point of everyone getting ready in the house if you’re going to be late?!”
The side door is still open, so they hear the swishing of heavy fabric approaching before the voice it belongs to.
“Nami, it’s fine!” Vivi’s voice emerges from a mountain of brightly colored robes big enough to rival the not-quite-dirty laundry chair in Luffy and his brothers’ apartment. Like her dad, Vivi’s robes are old timey, fancy, and don’t look like an awesome animal, unless he counts all the shiny jewelry that kind of makes her look like a bedazzled beetle. Even her tall, matching-colored hat has a shiny veil flowing all the way to the floor, adding to the effect.
She’s also got Nami’s sister carrying armfuls of fabric behind her so they don’t drag on the ground, and her own arms stretched in front of her for balance. She’s so weighed down with fabric and jewels that she has to lumber her way into the room, arms finding balance against the doorframe, a chair, and a lamp, before tripping over an unseen carpet edge.
Nami’s there to catch her before she faceplants on the floor, which Luffy thinks is nice. But he also thinks all that fabric would’ve made her fall really soft anyway.
“Seriously, it’s fine!” Vivi continues. “Robin is distracting Crocodile with her thesis and most of the guests are still trying to get Brook’s autograph anyway. If anyone asks, we can just say that we delayed the ceremony to allow more mingling time. They’ll probably think we’re letting my dad have more time to rest. Sorry dad…”
Cobra-guy doesn’t respond to her apology. Instead, he’s cooing right next to Sanji over Vivi’s colorful robes and how beautiful she looks and how her mother would be so happy to see her in the same robes from her own wedding and-
He cries harder than Kohza during the iguana chase after that. It’s really loud, so Luffy can barely hear the British guy.
Nami pinches her forehead with the tips of her manicured, bejeweled fingers. There’s a muttered count of inhales and exhales as Vivi reaches to rub her fiancée’s shoulder.
“I’m not from Alabasta, and I’m definitely not most people’s first choice to marry Vivi. This whole ceremony has to go perfectly,” Nami says with a heavy sigh that does nothing to loosen her shoulders. “If I screw up the ritual cups, if I pronounce the vows wrong, if there’s one detail out of place, then Crocodile and those fogey ministers and everyone from that stupid media circus will smell blood like sharks in the water and pounce on Vivi and her career and-” She heaves another breathe that does nothing.
Luffy thinks he hears the grumpy snow-cat meowing in the background. But that’s not important right now, because Nami still looks like she’s holding in a giant breath even though she’s still breathing. She looks wide-eyed and tense and exactly, Luffy thinks, like prey. He frowns at the thought.
“Party’s are supposed to be fun,” Luffy declares. Everyone’s attention snaps to him, and he adds before anyone can say anything, “Especially party’s celebrating my friends. And Nami’s not having fun. So we gotta change that!”
Nami huffs. “Luffy, fun is not the point. You’re all already late when nothing is allowed to go wrong today! There’s too much-”
“If you’re not having fun, then of course things are gonna go wrong. So we gotta get you relaxed and having fun so Croco-guy and the sharks don’t have any blood to smell in the first place.”
Usopp nudges him and whispers, “That’s nice and all but I don’t think she’s allowed to have ‘special’ brownies to relax before the ceremony…”
“Wha-? No! Look at the cat!”
Luffy points to the screen, where the world’s fluffiest, grumpiest cat is stalking it’s rodent prey on crunchy snow. It’s stumpy legs carry it across the frozen ground, doing their best to be silent, a look of pure laser focus beaming from its eyes. It looks more like a housecat that happened to get outside, instead of the deadly predator the narrator insists that it is.
Nami, he notices, flickers her attention between Vivi, everyone else in the room, and the TV. Her eyes twitch in a funny way, but Luffy doesn’t quit.
“Isn’t that the cutest, grumpiest little thing on four paws ever?” He asks. “And look how fun and cold and not sweaty that snow looks! Doesn’t that look awesome?”
Usopp catches on to Luffy’s idea. “Yeah, and that cat is so fluffy too. It’s even fluffier than that coat Vivi got you in Vegas- Ow!” Zoro is standing next to Usopp, so he must’ve done something.
Luffy doesn’t understand why Zoro did whatever he did, but Nami’s attention is sticking more and more to the screen. Plus, her eyes aren’t twitching as much and her shoulders are finally lowering.
The fluff-ball on the TV is still in slow, ambush pursuit of its rodent dinner, fidgeting it’s stubby legs to stay warm but never losing sight of its food. Luffy’s not sure the cat is even blinking.
“That little paw shake is so cute,” Nami whispers. Next to her, Vivi stares at the screen too and nods.
Luffy grins and gestures them both toward the couch.
A short time later – and Luffy knows it’s only a short time because the narrator with the fun accent only just finished talking about the fluff-ball snow cat and is now showcasing kooky-looking birds with kookier dances – they’ve all found seats again in front of the screen. Nami and Vivi are settled into the couch, as close to each other as the mountains of fabric they’re wearing will allow. Cobra-guy and Nojiko are squished into the remaining spaces by the armrests, while the rest of them are settled wherever there’s floor space.
Vivi asks, “So you’ve been watching nature documentaries this whole time?”
“Robin put it on,” Luffy answers from the floor in front of her. “It’s not one of those fun horror movies she likes, but it’s still pretty cool. You should’ve seen the iguanas and snakes earlier. That was awesome. Ooh! We should watch it again! Lemme just-”
“No, that’s ok!” Vivi startles, grabbing Luffy by the shoulders and stopping him from moving anywhere. “We can watch it later. Much later. It’ll be something to look forward to. Thank you for helping Nami relax but once this scene is finished we really do need to get started.”
“Separated in this way, New Guinea’s animals have become truly bizarre… Each male bird of paradise has a unique display for attracting mates.”
There’s a flurry of snippet scenes of different birds doing increasingly weird dances and turning themselves into shapes that look more like baby toys than birds. Some of the dances the birds are performing remind Luffy of the dramatic swooping dances that Sanji falls into every time he sees a lady. He tells Sanji exactly that, and asks if these birds are where he got the habit from.
Usopp and Zoro laugh.
Sanji kicks him.
On the screen a black bird with neon blue eyes and wispy twigs for head decorations is cleaning up his ‘court’. Leaves and twigs and debris are pulled from the stage, giving a low branch above a clear view. Once everything is tidy in a way that Luffy never knew someplace outdoors could look, a muted brown version of the same bird lands on the viewing branch.
“Now is his chance to really impress, but it won’t be easy. Females are very fussy, and she’ll expect his carefully choreographed routine to be faultless. He has all the moves; fancy footwork, the whirling dervish, the head poo shuffle with spin…”
“I can’t decide which is scarier as a perfectionist ceremony,” Nami quips. “The ritual cups or one of these bird dances.”
“Unlike that bird, you’re not going through the cups alone,” Vivi reminds her. Luffy glances back in time to see Vivi squeeze Nami’s hand, and for the two to exchange a smile.
Finally, Nami’s shoulders look looser than when she first stormed in.
Luffy turns back to the TV and grins.
On the screen, the funny little black bird flashes blink-and-you-miss-it instants of neon yellow and blue feathers. There’s more twists and spins and dramatic salsa music with lots of trumpet that makes Luffy want to dance too. Even through all the seemingly random turns and bowing, Luffy can tell this is a lot of careful choreography, and it’s even more precise than the narrator is making it sound.
He wonders how they learn it in the first place?
The muted brown bird watching the dance fluffs her feathers at the display, which the narrator informs everyone is a good sign.
A few more bows and flashes of color, and he’s finished his dance. The black bird stares at the brown bird for a sign. Luffy’s got no idea what sort of sign a bird looks for in another bird, but the black bird must see it because she lets him fly and land right on top of her on the branch.
“His performance has been a triumph, and he wins her approval.”
“I still don’t get what the big deal is about today,” Luffy thinks out loud, picking his nose. He hears Nami scowl at him. “Why do you have to do all this boring ceremony stuff now? You made me sign that witness paper thing back in Vegas after that Elvis guy said ‘kiss the bride’ and all that. You’re already married. Nami, you were even wearing that fluffy white coat Vivi got you instead of a dress.”
Not even the British guy’s awesome accent can break the silence that fills the room.
It doesn’t last long. As soon as Luffy turns his head to ask his friends why they’re so quiet all of a sudden, the silence shatters.
The animal guard guys, Kohza, and Nojiko start screeching and yelling over each other so Luffy has no clue what they’re saying. It doesn’t help that Usopp, Sanji, and Zoro all pounce on him to rub his face into the carpet because “what the hell, Luffy?! We were sworn to secrecy! On pain of death-by-Nami!”
Through the carpet fibers, he manages to see Nami’s face turn an enraged red. In contrast, Vivi’s face and her dad’s are going whiter than the snow from the TV.
The two colors are so different Luffy can’t help but find it funny.
Of course, now that he really looks at Nami’s clenched fists and jaw, Luffy has a sinking feeling he probably wasn’t supposed to say that out loud.
Ever.
Oops.
“Oh, sorry about that. Forget I said anything.”
“How can we forget?!”
Nami joins his friends in grinding his face into the floor, while Vivi starts apologizing to her dad. The others are still yelling useless stuff that Luffy actively ignores.
It’s a moment later that Viv’s dad cuts through the chaos by throwing his head back in manic laughter. It’s so loud it startles everyone out of what they were doing, which gives Luffy the chance to squirm out of reach like the baby iguana from the beach earlier.
“You had an Elvis impersonator? Someone dressed like Elvis Presley officiated my daughter’s wedding? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!”
“Dad, I’m so sorry! I wanted to tell you but- I mean, we-”
“Vivi, if you didn’t want a traditional Alabastan ceremony, why didn’t you tell me? Did you think I’d be hurt, or angry?”
Vivi’s hands wring in front of her, twisting the fabric of her fancy dress. “I just- I didn’t want you to be disappointed. And I do want the traditional ceremony, I swear! I love our history and our traditions, but I love my friends too and this way we had one ceremony that wasn’t a media circus. I know Crocodile and those other politicians need to be here for your career, and mine, but it’s not us.”
Cobra-guys laughter dies down into a chuckle. “My darling Vivi, if your mother were here now she’d be laughing too. She probably is laughing from the afterlife.” He moves forward and wraps her in a hug. Vivi’s eyes are wet when she shoves her face into her dad’s neck and clings to him in return.
Behind Luffy, Sanji is sobbing over the touching moment and he hears the others sniffle too.
When Vivi and her dad finally pull apart, Cobra-guy turns to them all, eyes and cheeks wet. “You four were there, yes? One of you send me photos of this Elvis costume! This is my little girl’s wedding, I won’t be left out again!”
“Gotcha covered Mr. Cobra sir!” Usopp whips out his phone, scrolling to the photos from six months ago.
The ceremony is boring.
Luffy is allowed to ditch the tie, but he’s been wrestled into the stupid suit jacket, forced to button his shirt, and the birds circling in the distance aren’t involved in any high speed aerial chases so there’s not much to watch except the ceremony.
Plus it’s still hot and everyone not wearing those fancy desert robes looks sweaty and uncomfortable.
But Nami looks tons more relaxed now, so it’s fine. She and Vivi are smiling at each other under a staged sunshiny area at the front of the yard and Luffy’s just happy his friends are happy. He even manages to sit still with only a little fidgeting for the whole hours-long thing.
Most of the whole thing.
The part where the pile of robes leading the ceremony asks in a croaking voice for blessings from what feels like a bajillion different people and plants and animals and things takes forever. Nami and Vivi both have to turn cups of water in a circle, then turn them in special partial circles, and then pour that water into other cups, but not pour too much or too little, and then the robed guy has to spray them with just the right number of drops.
Every. Single. Time.
That’s super boring, and Sanji makes Luffy play with a fidget spinner so he’ll stop kicking the ground.
But when the little robed guy gets to the end, finally asking for their mom’s to share their blessings with Nami and Vivi from the afterlife, and the sky cracks with thunder before unloading a downpour of rain?
That’s hilarious. Luffy doesn’t think he’s ever laughed that hard.
The camera crews don’t agree. They all scramble to cover their equipment. Luffy hears guests complain about the rain ruining their clothes and hair and even that Crocodile guy looks like he’s melting under the spray. But Luffy has to give the guy credit for not leaving his seat, no matter how hilarious his grumpy face is.
Through it all Nami and Vivi laugh and so do Vivi’s dad and all of Luffy friends. And they all stay right in their seats, letting the rain soak and cool them. The rest of the ceremony gets a lot more fun and interesting after that.
“It’s considered a great blessing,” Robin tells him between laughs. “Water is such an important resource for survival in any desert and in Alabasta it’s considered sacred, especially during events like weddings.”
“So it’s mystery luck from Nami and Vivi’s moms!”
When the little robed guy up front just blinks and smiles through the rain, Luffy decides he can’t be all that bad. The guy finishes the ceremony, and presents Nami and Vivi to what’s left of the crowd as newlyweds “most generously blessed by their ancestors and loved ones. May the life they share be as nourishing as this rain we’ve all been blessed with today!”
The rain is still pouring as the ceremony ends and people gather for photos. Nami and Vivi are soaked but smiling through their heavy robes. Luffy and his friends are equally drenched and grinning in all the pictures.
Nami even let’s Luffy stand in the front row for photos.
Later still, when towels are passed around, the food’s been served under a giant tent, and the wedding toasts have been awkwardly laughed through – Cobra-guy does a lot of crying. It’s hard to understand what he’s saying beyond it being an embarrassing story about Vivi sneaking out to get in fights and make friends with Kohza and later Nami – he has a minute to digest.
Luffy still doesn’t understand why they need two ceremonies for Nami and Vivi to get married, but if it means more food and more parties then he doesn’t mind. His clothes today aren’t as comfy as they were in Vegas, but it’s not like Nami and Vivi told him that’s what they were doing in Las Vegas in the first place. He just thought the gang was celebrating the new year with an Elvis impersonator after seeing Brook’s show, that they just wanted another reason to have a party.
(“Brook pulled some strings with the casino. The one where’s he’s doing his residency show. They’re letting him use this whole space for free and decorating it and catering it and it’s going to be just us! None of the cameras or media circus. Just one ceremony for us!”)
Huh.
Maybe she did tell him.
Maybe he needs to try and remember these things better.
He shrugs. The more important things are that none of the predators at the wedding ate his friends, Nami and Vivi are happy, and this party has a lot of food he still hasn’t eaten second servings of yet.
Luffy spots Usopp at the buffet, plate full of meat and mangos.
He grins and stalks forward. He’s not a land-crawling octopus or a mob of racer snakes, but Luffy thinks he’s learned a thing or two from them anyway.