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They should be in Bambouche tonight.
Bonnie should be with their sister, and they aren’t because of him .
Because he can’t sleep .
It’s been nearly two weeks since they left Dormont, and Siffrin would be lying if they said everything was going perfectly. While some days are definitely better than others, it feels like he still spends most of his time in a kind of horrible anticipation, waiting for the one thing that will inevitably pull him into a spiral. It doesn’t help that he can’t get rid of the nightmares, though, not for lack of trying.
At night he stares up at the ceiling of their room, Isabeau snoring softly beside him, and wishes to dream of nothing at all. On a Good Night, it works for a while, until he wakes up in that field, and the cold shock of dread rips him out of sleep. He breathes. In. Out. Tries to get his bearings. Reminds himself that he isn’t in Dormont anymore. He’s out. He made it out and his family is safe. They’re all safe. He repeats this until sunlight breaks through the window and Isabeau stirs awake beside him.
The Bad Nights’ dreams are— well, they’re much worse. Last night was a Bad Night. So was the one before that. And the one before that. Siffrin can’t remember the last time he had a Good Night’s sleep.
Not that he can remember most things—
“—Sif?”
Isabeau’s voice reaches Siffrin, pulling him out of his thoughts and down to the inn their family is staying at for the night. Siffrin blinks, trying and failing to grasp Isabeau’s words.
“Sorry—what?”
“You doing okay?” Isa asks, low enough for the others not to hear. There’s a crease between his brows that is becoming far too familiar these days.
“Yeah.” Siffrin says, feeling weariness settle over him once more. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired.”
Always tired.
In the loops, he wished for rest. To go to sleep and wake up feeling like something had changed. Now that he’s out, he just can’t. Siffrin feels like he’s been stumbling half-dead through most days while he fights to keep himself from nodding off. It’s slowing them down and he knows it.
At the other end of the table, Mirabelle, Odile, and Bonnie eat their meal and chat. Mirabelle glances at Siffrin every so often and worries at her lip, but says nothing. Odile is a lot more subtle about her worried looks, but Siffrin sees them out of the corner of his eyes every so often, when she thinks he isn’t looking. And Bonnie is—well, Bonnie. He can tell when they’re worried about him.
Sometimes, when they all look at him like that, Siffrin has to push down the thought that his family sees him as someone to be pitied. A thing to be handled with care lest it break under the smallest amount of pressure. Fragile. Weak . He has to fight back the rabbit quick urge to start again. To try to hide it better this time. To not be known —
It’s his own self-loathing talking, that feeling that they have found out that he’s weak and disposable, he knows that now. He knows that he can’t run away from his feelings anymore, and it’s just so terrifying . He still doesn’t want to burden his family with his problems. With the horrible things he thinks about himself. With the memories that still haunt his nightmares. They are a family now, and they promised to be honest with each other, but he still can’t bring himself to tell them.
What is it they say about old habits?
“Are you done eating?” Isabeau asks gently. “It’s kinda early, but we could go and start getting ready for bed. If we leave early tomorrow Bonbon can spend the day with their sister.”
Siffrin picks at the food on their plate. Guilt twists in their stomach. They can’t bring themselves to eat any more of it.
They know Bonnie doesn’t care. Someone must have explained to them along the way why Siffrin is having such a hard time eating because they have never asked about it and they don’t get upset at the uneaten meals anymore. He doesn’t know why that makes him feel worse .
Siffrin nods and pushes the plate away.
“Sif and I are going to start getting ready for bed.” Isabeau announces to the rest of the family as he stands up from the table.
“Oh, sure!” Mirabelle says.
Isabeau stretches, and yawns loudly as he speaks. “It’s been a long day.”
“It has been.” Odile sighs. “I’m sure an early night would do us all some good.”
“Then tomorrow we can go see Nille!” Bonnie grins practically bouncing in their seat. They’ve been so excited to introduce her to them all.
“That’s right.” Mirabelle smiles at them. She turns back to Isabeau and Siffrin. “We’ll come up in a little while to say good night.”
“Sounds good.” Isabeau starts to lead them up the stairs to their room for the night.
They’ve been getting their own room since they left Dormont. ‘For privacy’ Odile had said the first time with a smirk, which— eugh , gross. But Siffrin hasn’t had the energy to do more than make a face about it, and Isabeau never complains, so here they are.
Siffrin tries to focus on getting ready for bed. He’s been trying to treat it like a ritual, a jumping off point for his Wish for rest, but given the results, it’s not working. He kicks off his boots, leaving them where they fall, and sits on the edge of the bed. He then removes his gloves, placing them in the open drawer of the nightstand and starts to work at the pins holding his cape closed.
Against his will, he remembers the King. He said that the pins Siffrin wears are from their country. It struck Siffrin that something as small as the fastener for their cape could tell the King that much. Siffrin folds his cape and sets it in the drawer, gently placing the pins on top. He’s been a lot more delicate with them since that loop.
The loop where— where he—
The King stands before Siffrin and his family, all frozen in time.
The King knows . About their country. About the stars. About the loops . He is irate as he snatches up Bonnie, glaring at Siffrin through a curtain of white hair. The King squeezes and Siffrin fights against the Craft holding him in place, trying to will his body to move. He has to save his kid. He has to! Come on! Move!
The King taunts him, fist closing tighter still around Bonnie.
Siffrin hears Bonnie cry out for him. Sees the King’s grip tighten more and more around them. Bonnie chokes.
They
feel
the
pull—
Too late—
Siffrin gasps.
He is shaking. His heart is racing. He can’t breathe.
A hand settles heavy on his back. Too small to be the King’s but Siffrin flinches like it is.
“Crab— sorry! Sorry, Sif! It’s just me.”
Isabeau appears next to him, the mattress shifting under his weight. It doesn’t make sense. He should be frozen and he certainly should have a shirt on and—the… mattress?
Siffrin blinks. The House and the King fall away. He’s—he’s not—
“Hey, Siffrin, are you with me?”
“Isa—” Siffrin chokes out. His mind is reeling in an attempt to reorient itself.
“I’m here, Sif.” Isabeau’s voice is calm and even. It’s not the first time he’s found Siffrin stuck in a memory like this. “You’re alright, buddy. Everything’s okay.”
Isabeau begins to open his arms, and Siffrin launches themselves at him before he can even ask. Isabeau’s arms wrap tightly around them, strong and secure.
Siffrin sees a flash of Bonnie’s face again, going pale in the King’s grasp, and gasps. “Where is Bonnie? Are they—”
“Bonnie is okay, Sif. I promise. We’re all safe. I can go get them if you—”
“Don’t go.” Siffrin says when Isabeau moves to let go. He clings to Isabeau for dear life.
“Okay, okay, I’m not going anywhere.” Isabeau settles into the hug again. “But I really need you to try and breathe with me right now, okay?”
Siffrin tries. He focuses on the feeling of Isabeau’s bare skin under his fingers as he counts his breaths. Breathe in for five, hold for five, out for five. Isabeau talks endlessly as they breathe, reminding Siffrin of where they are, what they did that day, where they’re going tomorrow. Eventually, Siffrin stops shaking and his breaths are even again.
“Feeling better?” Isabeau asks.
Siffrin doesn’t reply immediately. He’s definitely more present now, but it’s dawned on him that Isabeau is, in fact, still not wearing a shirt. He must have been halfway through getting changed.
“Uh, Sif?”
“Sorry, I got… distracted.” Siffrin says, reaching up to trail his fingers over the scar lines on Isabeau’s chest. “What did you say?”
“Stoooop it!” Isabeau laughs and pushes at Siffrin’s arms. “Get off me. I’m putting a shirt on.”
“Nope, too bad.” Siffrin tightens his grip around Isabeau. “You’re stuck now.”
“Alright, fine then.” Isabeau leans back, propping himself up on the pillows, and pulls Siffrin to his chest.
Siffrin lets Isabeau pull him down, and rests his chin on his hands to look up at the fighter.
“Hi.” Isabeau grins at them.
Siffrin smiles back. “Hi.”
Isabeau reaches up and gently removes Siffrin’s eyepatch. The one he made for them. It is placed on the nightstand, next to his earrings.
“Really, though, do you feel better?” Isabeau asks. “That seemed really… intense.”
“I think so? I’m just really tired. I—I haven’t really been able to sleep lately.”
“Yeah, I kinda thought that’s what was going on. You never used to wake up before me.” Isabeau says gently. He lifts his hand to Siffrin’s hair, combing his fingers through the strands. “Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to if you don’t want to, of course, but it maybe it’ll help?”
“I—" Siffrin hesitates, struck by those same doubts he always has. He remembers the promise they made. No more secrets. No more carrying the weight alone. Isn’t that what his family is here for? Would Isabeau have even asked if he didn’t want to know? “I do want to.”
Siffrin breathes. In and out. He can do this. He can talk about his feelings… stars.
“It’s—I keep having the same nightmare over and over. In one of the loops, the King was—he was hurting Bonnie and—and he said he would kill the rest of you too. In front of me. To teach me a lesson. And it didn’t happen, but when I go to sleep—”
Siffrin tries to push away the mental images of his family members staring up at him with blank eyes and lifeless expressions. Of the King killing each of them, one by one, as Siffrin begs him to stop. As he tries to force himself to loop, but can’t.
“Oh, crab , Sif.” Isabeau’s hand stills. When Siffrin looks at him, his eyes are wide. “I’m so sorry. That’s awful .”
“Yeah. Most of the time it’s like—I don’t know. It’s like all I can think about is what happens if I get stuck in the loops again. What if I wake up tomorrow in that field? What if I did a ritual again and I forgot?”
“Well, that is a scary thought.” Isabeau says. “But you’ve got the rest of us, right? We know what to look out for now, so if you got stuck again, I think we’d figure it out pretty quick. M’dame Odile would, at least.”
“Oh, she definitely would.” Siffrin remembers Odile confronting him in one of the loops, not knowing what exactly was going on, but knowing that something was wrong and that Siffrin needed help. He hadn’t been ready to accept her help then, but maybe he could this time.
Siffrin yawns and presses his ear to Isabeau’s chest. Listens to the hard, steady beating of his heart. Isa is here, warm and alive beneath him. His arms wrap heavily around Siffrin’s shoulders and his chin rests against the top of Siffrin’s head.
“Your heart’s really loud.” Siffrin says after a while.
“I’m trying so hard to breathe normally. You have no idea.” Isabeau wheezes, releasing all of his held breath and making his heart flutter wildly.
Siffrin laughs, and readjusts his position to press his cheek against Isa’s chest. “S’fine.”
He closes his eyes.
{}
Mirabelle pokes her head into the room sometime later.
Isabeau waves her in with his head, trying to move as little as possible, given his current predicament. After she enters the room, he gestures to Siffrin and mouths, ‘are they asleep?’
Mirabelle creeps to the other side of the bed, crouching low to peer at Siffrin’s face, and nods emphatically. Isabeau mimes wiping sweat from his brow. “Thank goodness.”
Mirabelle laughs and settles next to them on the bed. “How is he doing?”
“He had another flashback.” Isabeau dares to brush the hair out of Siffrin’s eyes. “I kinda thought something might be coming when he got spacey at dinner. He said he’s been having really bad nightmares too.”
“Oh, change.” Mirabelle bites at her lip. “I wanted to talk to them, but I just didn’t know if—I don’t want to push them if they don’t feel ready yet. I don’t want to make things worse by badgering them all the time.”
“Yeah, I get it. They’ve been through a lot already.” Isabeau thinks about what Siffrin told him earlier. About the King and Bonnie. He wonders how much happened that Siffrin hasn’t told them about yet. “But I think at this point, there’s no way we can make it worse. Keeping it all in again is what’s going to make it worse.”
“You’re right. I’ll talk to him once he’s had some—“
“Are you guys asleep already?” Bonnie bursts into the room, volume as always at a solid eight out of ten.
Isabeau and Mirabelle shush Bonnie and look back to Siffrin.
He stirs a little, but ultimately relaxes again.
Still asleep.
They both sigh in relief.
“Gems alive, Bonniface, I told you—” Odile comes racing around the corner, moving faster than Isabeau has ever seen her move before. She takes in the scene before her and lowers her voice.“I told you to wait for Mirabelle to come back.”
“But I’m so sleepy, Dile.” Bonnie says in a mock whisper. “And I have to say good night to Frin and Za before bedtime. It’s the law.”
“It’s the law, M’dame.” Isabeau, the ex-Defender, agrees.
“Alright then, Bonnie.” Mirabelle stands up and heads to the door. “Say good night and we’ll go to bed.”
“’Kay.” Bonnie yawns as they plop down on the bed beside Isabeau. They lean against him in lieu of their usual bedtime hug. “G’night, Za. G’night, Frin.”
They pat Siffrin’s head.
“Night, Bonbon.” Isabeau says.
Mirabelle shepherds Bonnie off to their room, calling over her shoulder. “Sleep well, Isa.”
“Night, Mira.”
When he turns back to Odile, the look on her face makes him flush.
“Don’t look at me like that! He was having a flashback!” Isabeau hisses. “Was I supposed to waste time trying to get a shirt on?”
“I didn’t say anything.” Odile smirks.
Isabeau makes a frustrated noise.
“They’re still not sleeping well, are they?” Odile asks, letting Isabeau off the hook. “Nightmares?”
“Yeah.” Isabeau says. “And he said he’s still worried he’s going to do more Wish Craft without meaning to and get stuck in a time loop again. It’s bad enough that he can’t sleep sometimes.”
“Hmm.” Odile looks thoughtfully at Siffrin for a moment. “I should have a spare notebook in my pack that I can give them. Keeping a journal and getting those thoughts out of their head might help a little for the time being. At least until we can get him some real help.”
“I wish we could do more.” Isabeau admits. It’s still hard to even wrap his head around the loops sometimes, let alone everything else.
“So do I, but realistically, we can’t . None of us are equipped to deal with that level of trauma. Not even you, Mister Feelings Expert. All we can do for now is try our best to ease the burden somewhat.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“And, Isabeau, don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. I know he needs you right now, but you can’t help him if you burn yourself out.”
“Aww, m’dame.” Isabeau grins. “You do care about me. I knew it.”
“No I do not. How dare you imply such a thing.” Odile says dryly as she heads for the door. “I’m going to sleep. Good night.”
“Wait—before you go, could you get the spare blanket for me?”
Odile’s eyebrows raise in response. “And now you want me to tuck you in for the night? I’m not your mother , Isabeau.”
“But my arms are so cold , m’dame.” Isabeau sniffs. “Please?”
Odile scoffs audibly, but Isabeau can see that small, fond smile on her face. The one she would deny the existence of if asked. Call him a sap, but Isabeau loves that smile. Odile takes the spare blanket out of the wardrobe and fluffs it over them, pulling it over Isabeau’s bare shoulders and taking care to not cover Siffrin’s face.
“There. Is that sufficient?”
“It’s perfect . Thank you, m’dame.”
“Good night, Isabeau. Sleep well.”
“You too.”
Odile turns off the lights, and closes the door behind her, leaving Isabeau in the dark, staring up at the ceiling. Siffrin sleeps soundly against his chest.
Maybe he can’t fix everything, but he will do his best to help where he can.
They all will.