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Chuuya was tired. He had been on an oversees mission to Germany for 5 months. The foreign environment was harder to adjust to without his partner. He had to work on the mission right from the moment he stepped in Germany. His German was slightly rusty from not using it for a long time, and his subordinates weren’t the most helping. Normally he would have Dazai review his plans to reduce causality and increase the success rate however now he had to ensure there were no loopholes and increase its proficiency all by himself.
His job was to establish a deal with the ‘Ndrangheta, their business of counterfeiting of jewels was affecting Port mafia’s market in Europe, specifically France and Italy, their prominent customers which were originally responsible for 30 % of the Mafia’s yearly income were now only contributing 22%.
The opposition was quite stubborn, it took so long for Chuuya and the representative of the other organisation, Herman Hesse, to come up with a plan beneficial to both the sides.
His ability Unterm Rad allowed him to know if any of his actions affected him negatively. He couldn’t tell how, why, or when but only that they would come back and bite him in his ass later. Which was a pain to deal with as they kept on revising their contract again and again.
Boss had given him 3 months originally which was later extended by 3 more on Chuuya’s request. Afterall this wasn’t the only business he had in Germany. When Chuuya had finished his mission, he still had 3 weeks before he would be called back to work. So, like any other employee he utilised those weeks to wind down in his penthouse. On top of that he had a bad feeling for the past 2 days. It was a hunch that these few weeks of rest would probably be appreciated by future him. The past year had been a huge mess with continuous missions, almost no rests and increased usage of corruption.
He barely had time to think before he was bombarded with 30 different decisions to take.
Before coming back however Chuuya had of course taken time to do some sightseeing and shopping. He went around getting souvenirs for Boss, ane-san, Hirotsu, the Akutagawa siblings and his very annoying piece of shit partner. A bembel for ane-san, Black rye bread, Leipziger Lerch, Nuremberg Lebkuchen and some more pastries for Boss and Elise and a Steiff teddy bears specially for Elise, Nutcracker for Hirotsu, different types of fruchttee for Ryunosuke and some tactical knives, from military and some from their new partner, for Gin. For the walking bag of bandages, he got some snacks, pastries, and a beer mug.
He had even got his hands on a 1976 Scharzhofberger Riesling Trockenbeerenauslese. Vintage wines were the best to relax to, they hit you slowly, it’s like gently loosing yourself. After your done with the bottle it feels warm and content as if in a lucid dream.
He was quite excited, mackerel should be done with the whole Mimic thing as well, so they can both unwind. He had come across a Royal Salute the Time Series 51-Year-Old Blended Scotch Whisky and bought it so that Dazai wouldn’t whine the entire time he drank his wine. He was planning on making a Cassoulet, substituting the bacon with pork so that it pairs well with his wine. On top of that a chacuterie board would bring his entire meal together.
Cooking was therapeutic to Chuuya, and with such a mouth-watering reward, Chuuya was even more motivated. He was cutting his pork when he heard his door open.
God damn it, he hadn’t even texted the bandaged bastard and he was already here. Oh well, Dazai probably already knew that he was here. That's just how he is. Now he could help him and then they would eat together. He waited for Dazai to come and bother him but no fish eyed dumbass had come for the past 2 minutes. So Chuuya washed his hands and headed upstairs because the only place Dazai can go in his house without encountering Chuuya right after entering is upstairs. He first checks his own bedroom and lo and behold, there on his bed a wide-eyed mummy who a second ago had been sniffing at his pillow while cuddling it was staring at him.
Chuuya stared at him for a good while. His eyes were red, blood on his face, clothes, and hands. Not one but two eyes were looking at him, his coat missing and his hair in a dishevelled state.
Red eyes meant he had been crying, a rare but not impossible sight. The blood on his clothes definitely wasn’t his, it smelt different. And he had no obvious wound as far as Chuuya could see. The two eyes, once again a rare sight normally reserved for when Dazai was at home with people he could trust, that is by himself, that redhead he admired, the glasses nerd or with Chuuya. Missing coat raised alarms in his head as the coat, the initiation gift by Boss, had never left Dazai’s shoulders while he still wore his suit. His dishevelled hair was likely due to him rolling back and forth, a nervous tick of his.
Chuuya sighed inwards, heading towards his bathroom. Turning the tap open and letting hot water enter the hot tub, he heads outside once again to his walk-in closet. Picking out the suicidal maniac’s clothes, he also picks up new bandages. Setting them near his hot tub, he takes out some bath bombs and his extra soft towel. He also picks up his shampoo and conditioner, placing them all within Dazai's reach.
He would have offered to bath him himself if he hadn’t picked up the obvious signs of ‘leave me alone’ from Dazai.
He walks back into his closet to remove Dazai’s pick and run bag, a bag carrying all essentials in case of emergencies. They both had one however Chuuya’s wouldn’t come to any use today. He added some extra clothes, some extra bandages, and cash. The cash should be enough to last him for 5 months, knowing how he barely spent anything.
He walked out with the bag to see that Dazai had already gone to take a bath. He heads down, back to cooking. He started preparing ingredients for crab shabu-shabu instead of what he originally intended, the pork could still be used this way. He didn’t think either of them were in any mood to cook together around the table so he decides to continue cooking in the kitchen.
He sets the dashi broth with garlic and extra soy sauce to suit Dazai's tastes on the stove, opening his cupboards to add as many snacks as he can. Half of his ramen supply, chocolates, the recently bought snacks from Germany, his entire canned crab supply. After all it was only even in his kitchen due to that tacky bastard.
Zipping it all up he places it down near his dining table.
He goes back to his kitchen to his fridge to remove the mushrooms, thankful to God that he had done his grocery shopping before coming back home. He first adds the crab legs and calamari already present in his fridge, then he adds the pork and mushrooms to the broth, continuing to let simmer so that the taste seeps into the broth. He washes the vegetables, hearing Dazai coming down the stairs he removes the bottle of whiskey he had bought and places it on the kitchen counter.
To his surprise instead of heading for the bottle as Chuuya had thought, the octopus hands latch onto him. His chin resting on the crook of his neck, the lips ghosting his neck were a very distracting and unwanted. The hands encircling his waist were squeezing tight.
He ignores all of this and continues chopping his vegetables.
Adding everything to the pot he closes the lid, he notices the pork is almost done and starts boiling the udon noodles. Dazai continues clinging onto him while he does all the work. When Chuuya removes all the ingredients to prepare soy ponzu and creamy sesame dipping sauce is when Dazai finally decides to remove his hands, preparing the sauces himself, however still caging Chuuya. Chuuya had long accepted his fate and waited until the suicide advocate was done. After finishing the hands go back to their original position and Chuuya moves to check on the shabu-shabu.
“Hey low budget mummy, help me take everything to the table”
They both are sitting on the opposite sides facing each other, as Chuuya serves them both. The silence, normally a welcome relief from Dazai’s constant taunting and yapping was now uncomfortable. Dazai just stared at his plate without even blinking while eating. It was like he has forgotten how to. Chuuya unable to handle such a strange look starts talking, telling him all about his mission in Germany.
He can see the small upturn of Dazai’s lips at some parts and feels a little better, his premonition which turned out to be true still hadn’t eased meaning there was more to come, just like Chuuya had prepared for.
Dazai continues listening, eventually even giving little comments in the middle.
Chuuya was glad to see him take some more. God knows when Dazai would be full again, Chuuya didn’t want to risk anything for as long as possible.
As Chuuya looks up at Dazai once more, wanting to tell him more, he sees Dazai look at his food, with a neutral expression. He looked so calm and beautiful. Chuuya didn’t even realize when he had opened his phone and clicked a picture of Dazai. He opened his gallery to see Dazai’s peaceful expression, he looked so serene.
If his home screen from 5 seconds ago and now was different then no one but he himself had to know.
As he puts his phone down, he finally hears Dazai talk, “Shouldn’t the chuuhuahua be busy serving his master and not wasting his time in his phone.” He sees Dazai’s plate empty and thinks of 200 ways he could accidently smash that plate so that it cuts Dazai.
While gritting his teeth he says, “Fuck off. Take it yourself. I AM NOT YOUR GODDAMN DOG YOU WOMANINZING ASSHOLE” and since he is a gentleman, he pokes Dazai’s ass with a knife from the kitchen. If Chuuya wasn’t such a nice guy Dazai’s ass would look like it was bit by a mutated snake.
“AHHHHH! YOU STUPID MIDGET! YOU HEARTLESS PETIT MAFIA! YOU MENTALLY RETARDED SIMPLETON! You know I don’t like pain, does you physically challenged self have learning disorders as well!”
And Chuuya couldn’t help himself. Dazai looked hilarious flailing around like some spineless idiotic creature and rubbing his ass as if someone had stabbed him instead of just poking him. Chuuya was laughing for 5 minutes non-stop. He was truly tired and seeing Dazai in such a horrible state had only further increased his worries but now seeing that Dazai wasn’t in such a bad state as before, Chuuya couldn’t help but feel relived, laughing all the stress away.
As he finally calmed down, he wondered why Dazai hadn’t thrown any jabs at him yet. As Chuuya looked forward, maroon eyes looked back, with a stare so intense and messages so profound that even though he wanted to Chuuya couldn’t look away.
He saw Dazai’s phone in his hand. The social misfit finally returned to eating, serving himself and tinkering with his phone side by side. Chuuya looked up and his breath was stuck at crossroads, not knowing whether to stop or increase at the sight in front of him. Dazai was giving the most stupidest smile he had seen to his phone. His dimples were visible and his eyes were had this shine that was usually foreign to them.
Once again Chuuya’s phone was in his hand, and if Chuuya’s wallpaper was different once again then who was checking.
Chuuya also took seconds, his stomach rejoicing in finally eating food that wasn’t bland.
They both had finished, Chuuya started cleaning the table, packing the leftovers for Dazai and stuffing it into his bag. Dazai was still sitting in his place so Chuuya removed a vintage Petrus he had been saving instead of his original wine. Chuuya was no loner in the mood for the one had gotten, Petrus was strong enough to get him drunk but not enough to knock him out.
He bought the whisky out as well. Bringing everything to his wine bar, he called his bastard over. Preparing his scotch on the rocks. Then he pored out his own wine, sitting beside where Dazai was sitting at his counter, handing him his drink.
They both sip quietly, neither having the energy to make any conversation.
Dazai’s eyes head over to the bag and then back to Chuuya.
“You already know.”
Of course Chuuya already knew. The missing bandage at his eyes, the nowhere to be seen coat, the mental anguish in his eyes. How could Chuuya not know. The missing coat and smell of ash that had clung to Dazai had immediately sent alarms blaring in his mind and after that it wasn't hard to connect the dots. Chuuya was only still in one piece due to cooking for both of them, doing something part of his routine helped him stay calm.
Chuuya slowly drank, nodding slightly. Dazai was done with his drink already. Chuuya couldn’t even bring himself to finish his own, knowing that after he was done Dazai would be gone. Would he even see Dazai again or would he be gone forever. Will Dazai even want to see him again was the question.
Chuuya’s drink was gently put away by a different set of hands on his own. Finally noticing that he had already finished his wine, he looks at the place where Dazai’s hands burn his own. There are some tears that are beginning to collect at the corner of his eyes but he conveniently ignores them.
Dazai cups Chuuya’s cheeks to finally make him look at him. Chuuya can only let the tears slip as he sees the adoration in Dazai’s eyes. Dazai also has tears in his eyes as he pulls Chuuya’s face closer. They kissed like starving people, finally having found sustenance. Both of them let out tiny sobs as they held each other, Chuuya was practically on Dazai’s lap right now. They were both trying to get as close as possible, clinging on each other as one would cling on to a rope preventing you from falling and dying.
Chuuya knew he had to let go now, if he wanted Dazai to still have some time and leave without anything happening to him. He slowly let go, Dazai was still holding him but Chuuya gently pushed him away.
“You have to go now Osamu. It’ll be fine. Take care of yourself okay. Eat every day, all three times. Don’t forget to change your bandages you vagabond. Okay?”
Dazai slowly let go of him. Chuuya smiled at Dazai one last time as he got of Dazai’s lap and handed him his bag. Dazai hugged him once again, squeezing the life out of him.
“I’ll come back. Not for a long time now but eventually. I’ll come back. So you can’t forget you owner okay hat rack? I’ll come and bother you again.”
Chuuya could only let out a small laugh before hitting him lightly in the head reminding him,
“Not your dog.”
Chuuya stood at his doorway for a long time watching Dazai leave. He thanked God that Dazai didn’t turn back to look at Chuuya one last time because Chuuya doesn’t think he would have the strength to let Dazai leave.
He goes back and sits on his wine counter, forgoing the glass and drinking directly from the bottle, a disrespect to the bottle but he couldn’t be bothered right now.
He would wait patiently for Dazai, no matter how long. After all he had to full fill his promise of killing that blockhead. He would wait.
─────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆─────
Dazai was done. He was tired. This entire month was shitty. Everything was going wrong. Dazai’s comprehensive abilities are gone. Right now, he only has one goal and he's blindly walking towards it. His surroundings blur around him, the noises around don’t reach him properly, its like he is stuck underwater.
He is in the lift, waiting to reach Chuuya’s penthouse. He wanted to end it so bad. Every second he spent on this cruel world was painful. Living was akin to pain. The only thing he looked forward to every morning he woke up was going back to bed.
A temporary relief from this stupid dance that he was forced to do against his will for the amusement of others.
He enters and head up to his stupid slug’s room. He won’t see Chuuya for a long time. When Chuuya comes back he is definitely going to be mad at Dazai for leaving without a word. He’ll probably kick him out when Dazai does eventually come back. What if he forgets Dazai. But its better this way. Its better that Chuuya also leaves him. After all anything he would never want to lose is always lost. It is a given that everything that is worth wanting will be lost the moment he obtains it. There’s nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering.
He lies on Chuuya’s bed, curling up in the sheets, hugging Chuuya’s pillow trying to catch Chuuya’s scent. How many years will he have to spend without his only left comfort in this world. Will he eventually forget this particular smell?
His eyes itch, his nose feels stuffed, there’s some sounds in the background of someone crying. He doesn’t know who, the downstairs kid’s voice should not reach till here, heck the downstairs people didn’t even have a kid. He can taste something salty. He feels disgusting, he probably even looks the part.
He wishes Chuuya was here. So he could see him one last time. So he could feel him one last time.
Chuuya was like a drug, you always think 'one last time, just one more before I quit' but it just never happens. You cannot stop, he is too addicting.
Dazai knows he has to get up soon, take his bag from Chuuya’s closet and leave. He cannot look back, cannot second guess his decisions now. This was long overdue. Odasaku had finally given him the courage, the final push to do what he had always wanted to do deep down. He cannot fail Odasaku. Not again. But he could indulge in the luxury that is Chuuya for just one more minute. Just one last time before he is gone. Possibly forever.
After all it was stupid wishful thinking, to expect Chuuya to just open his arms for Dazai after Dazai left him without even a goodbye. But Dazai had no strength right now to deal with goodbyes, he had already been forced to do one, he couldn’t bring himself to do another.
If he never says goodbye that means he hasn’t actually left Chuuya right? It means he can come back right?
It’ll be fine.
He is startled when the door opens and he sees Chuuya. Huh. Had he started hallucinating now? Had he truly fallen so low that his brain wasn’t even properly working now? Why was he here? His mission shouldn’t end until 3 more weeks. He should be in Germany right now.
He can see Chuuya scrutinise him for 5 minutes until Chuuya quietly heads to his bathroom.
He’s glad that he isn’t required to speak. Knowing Chuuya he probably went to start a bath but Dazai doesn’t want to take a bath with Chuuya right now. Chuuya would probably make him sit and then gently wash him. But Dazai doesn’t want to be touched right now, his skin feels like its on fire, any touch against it right now would feel like knives being dragged across them. He can make out that Chuuya is moving around but he doesn’t have the energy to check what exactly he is doing.
He wants to disappear.
No one was supposed to be here. That’s why he came here. Ugh. Chuuya and his knack for thwarting Dazai’s plans.
He looks around finally but notices Chuuya isn’t here, probably in his closet then. He heads to the bathroom before that shorty comes back and forces him to take a bath with him. To his surprise he finds a set of clothes that are very comfortable yet practical for what he was about to do, some bath bombs, his favourites, a new fresh pack of bandages and a very soft towel.
Oh. Of course. Chuuya already knew what he wanted. Doubting his pipsqueak of a partner was a fault on his own side. Was his brain truly that retarded now. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Getting attached was Chuuya’s schtick not his. He wasn’t supposed to be this attached to other people, not to the point where his brain stops functioning properly.
While there was no doubt that Dazai was strong physically, after all you can’t become an executive with just brains, he still wasn’t the best. His first and last line of defence was his brain. If he looses the only good thing about himself then what was he supposed to do. How would he survive.
In this world it was kill or be killed.
What would Dazai do now.
He was all of a sudden hit with strong smells, oranges, vanilla, lavender, soothing and calming. Ah! The bath bombs. His brain was effectively pulled out from his spiral. Chuuya always knew everything huh.
His brain was working normally now. Any problems could be tackled later. Now there was only one thing to do, get out. Right now, his emotions were a mess. He felt horrendous and euphoric at the same time. Everything was so bad, he was already blocking the memories, the hands on his face. He could unravel all that after he had escaped, when there was no one to see but himself. Dazai was a pro at ignoring his feelings, storing it away for later.
There was also a feeling of elation. Joy at having a partner who understood, who already knew and didn’t try to stop him. Chuuya hadn’t asked any questions, hadn’t forced him to do things he didn’t want to do but had given him space, had given him comfort. Chuuya was the only remaining good thing in his life.
He had already made up his mind now. He would come back. Definitely. He would be selfish, just this once. Chuuya was strong enough to battle anything life threw at him anyways. That dog of his was stubborn to a fault, defying all of life’s expectations and rising above no matter what.
He would come back even if Chuuya didn’t want him to, he would do whatever he had to do to get Chuuya back. This was the one thing he refused to give up to the cruel universe. They had already taken everything from him but they couldn’t take this.
While he thought of Chuuya another red head infiltrated his mind. His comforting words, his soothing touches, his reassuring looks and he can fell that weird tingling in his eyes again. His throat felt scratchy, all sounds coming out of it sounded like that of whales dying.
Dazai wasn’t supposed to feel like this. He was supposed to forget and lock these memories, not visit them now and bawl his eyes out in Chuuya’s tub.
All those memories with him, with them. Odasaku, him and Ango before everything. Odasaku, him and his kids before everything. Just him and Odasaku before everything. Dazai had lost both his friends and he didn’t know what to do now. The tears wouldn’t stop, his chest felt weird, like everything was caving in. He didn’t understand how Chuuya did it. He had lost so many people important to him and he still continued with his life but Dazai couldn’t see past this moment.
He felt like he had hit rock bottom and anything further from this point onwards seemed non-existent to him.
He wanted to end everything right now but he had a promise to full fill.
He got out of the tub, wrapping the towel around himself. He hadn’t even realized it but he had taken the entire bath on autopilot. His hair was wet and it smelled like Chuuya’s shampoo, his body smelt just like the chibi’s. He did his bandages quietly. It was grounding to do something that was routine. He didn't have to use his brain, just muscle memory.
As he walked out, he could smell crab and meat boiling, shabu-shabu then? He heard some cupboards opening and closing and something of glass being placed down. As he enters, he sees whiskey on the counter and he immediately beelines over towards Chuuya. He physically can’t stop from squeezing Chuuya. He really needed this.
He was so overwhelmed. First everything had gone wrong and now Chuuya was here. Chuuya had done everything right, the no questions asked, the bath, the clothes, the bandages, his bag he could see beside the counter, the food, the drink.
Being known this well was a devastating feeling and feelings were something that Dazai struggled in.
He couldn’t will himself to leave Chuuya, holding on to him like a lifeline. No one understood him like he did. No one accommodated him like he did. The smell of familiar comforting food was pleasant. He removed his hands to make soy ponzu and the creamy sesame dipping sauce. He couldn’t let go of the redhead though. God knows when he would see him again, he couldn’t let go of him now.
After finishing he went back to hugging Chuuya. He had his head buried in the crook of Chuuya’s neck, inhaling the comforting scent. He could already imagine that he wouldn’t smell such nice thing again.
Being on the run was an arduous task, comfort was a far-fetched concept. He would probably have to go from one dilapidated place to another. He himself would probably never smell this good again. He would have to enjoy everything right now before everything was forever lost.
A voice cut through his ramblings,
“Hey low budget mummy, help me take everything to the table”
He slowly let go and did as Chuuya said. Sitting on the table opposite to Chuuya while his chibi served both of them. As he ate, he could feel tears clinging to his eyelids but he blinked them away. The food was really good as all of Chuuya’s dishes were but the taste of the crab really reminded him of Odasaku’s crab curry.
Odasaku never normally made crab curry but after finding out that Dazai ate more when crab was involved had specially made crab curry from then on.
In the end it is the little things that stick around. So many things reminded him of the older man. He could only swallow the thick feeling in his throat with the food. The crab was really good, it wasn’t even canned crab, Chuuya had absolutely banned canned crab from his kitchen yet kept some for Dazai just in case he needed something quickly and they were both tired. The crab used for the shabu-shabu was fresh, and it was so good.
Chuuya had been droning on about his mission in Germany the entire time while Dazai had been wallowing in his sadness. His voice was like background music, Dazai would tune in and tune out, his lips turning upwards unwillingly at some parts.
Dazai couldn’t stop himself from giving some comments here and there. Which idiot decides that a man who has an ability to somewhat see in the future will be easily tricked into a non-profiting deal.
He thinks of Odasaku again, an ability to see in the future was supposed to be helpful but Odasaku had still died. His ability was one of the best out there yet he had found his match in someone who had the same ability as him. In theory they both should have gone on infinitely, neither being able to beat each other due to already knowing the enemy’s next step but in reality, both had died. Both the parties had desired death and death they had gotten.
When will it be Dazai’s turn? When can he finally cut of all the strings binding him to this mortal plane. This very stress inducing and tiring road had to have an end somewhere right, his final destination, death.
Dazai suddenly heard a click sound and looked up to see Chuuya giving his phone a very diabetes inducing smile.
It didn’t take a genius to figure out what had happened and he could feel his ears go slightly red. He could understand why, after all if you were never to see someone again then you would also want something to remember them by but Chuuya didn’t know that he wasn’t going to be gone forever. He would come back no matter what, he would crawl all the way here if he had to but he would come back.
He was done with his food as Chuuya put his phone down.
“Shouldn’t the chuuhuahua be busy serving his master and not wasting his time in his phone.”
“Fuck off. Take it yourself. I AM NOT YOUR GODDAMN DOG YOU WOMANINZING ASSHOLE”
It was only his right after all, he could see the anger in Chuuya’s eyes, they immediately darted towards his plate, most probably thinking of how to smash it on Dazai head. Then he saw Chuuya give an evil smirk before he felt something poke his ass and he immediately cried out.
“AHHHHH! YOU STUPID MIDGET! YOU HEARTLESS PETIT MAFIA! YOU MENTALLY RETARDED SIMPLETON! You know I don’t like pain, does you physically challenged self have learning disorders as well!”
He hated pain but this was nothing. However, seeing how tired Chuuya had looked even Dazai couldn’t help himself but take the first chance in alleviating the heavy fog of sadness that had settled, even if briefly.
Although he hadn’t noticed at first but Chuuya truly looked worse for the wear. Dark circles under his eyes, his hair was slightly knotted, his cheeks a little gaunt, he looked so done. No wonder Chuuya had quickly finished and come back to rest. These past 2 years were continuous mission one after the other, break had become a foreign concept.
Everyone in the organisation was exhausted. It seemed like every organisation against Port mafia had chosen to act at this time particularly.
At least one of them was trying to take care of themselves.
When he had cursed Chuuya out for looking him he had started laughing like he hadn’t heard a funnier line in his entire life. His eyes had crinkled up into crescent moons, his smile was reaching his eyes and a little more, any stress previously present on his forehead was gone. Chuuya’s eyes were shining with mirth and loud sonorous music graced his ears. It seemed like his hair had suddenly become really smooth and gained all the missing lustre. His cheeks had this healthy rose complexion highlighting the freckles on his face. He was glowing in all senses.
Dazai had immediately unlocked his phone and taken at least 15 pictures.
He continued unabashedly staring at him for some more time, even making eye contact with him. They both stared at each other, both of their eyes having things to convey but now was not the time. Eventually, one day in the future they would meet and talk about all the things they left unsaid but not today. They could not afford to now.
He was going through all of the pictures, thinking of which one to set as his home screen. Setting pictures of loved ones as home or lock screen was dangerous in the mafia but both of them were strong enough to take on anyone who tried to use the other against one of them.
He finally chose one, hearing another click and looked up to see Chuuya whose cheeks were burning slightly. Being the benevolent self that Dazai is he didn’t mention anything. He served himself and continued eating. The food was truly good. He would miss this so badly. They had both finished now, clearing up the table. Chuuya had gone to his wine bar while Dazai arranged everything beside the sink. He didn’t really feel like washing anything up and left it all to Chuuya.
As he sat at the wine counter, he saw Chuuya pass around his favourite, whiskey on the rocks and thanked the lords above that this man knew his taste in drinks. One sip of the drink and he was immediately at the gates of heaven.
Chuuya sat beside him with Petrus in his glass. He could see a different storm behind Chuuya’s eyes. His thoughts swirling violently. He wanted to assure the man in front of him but it was hard to when he himself didn’t know what was going to happen.
He had to confirm even if he already knew. Saying things out loud made them all the more real. He first looked at the bag, stuffed to the brim, and then towards his partner.
“You already know.”
Chuuya nodded as he continued sipping. Both of them were prolonging finishing their drinks. They would have to talk after this was done, Dazai would have to walk away, to an uncertain future, to follow a badly thought plan. There was no one to catch him if he messed up, no one to cover his weak spots. He would be alone from here onwards for an indefinite amount of time.
And before he had realised, he was done. He looked towards Chuuya but he was still nursing his drink in his hand. He allowed Chuuya that time to think but in reality, it was just more time for him to come to terms with not seeing Chuuya again.
He looked towards Chuuya again, his wine was long over, he was just staring off into nothing. He slowly took the drinks out of his hands and put the glass away.
Chuuya still hadn’t looked up towards him, staring at where their hands met instead. Dazai felt a single drop on his hand and he immediately cupped Chuuya’s cheek. More tears fall from Chuuya’s eyes as he lets himself be held. The tears that Dazai thought he could no longer spill had somehow already been present the entire time.
He pulled Chuuya closer, kissing the life out of him. This would be their last kiss for a long time.
They are both pathetic, sobbing like little snotty children. Chuuya was essentially in his lap. They were hugging and clinging on to each other. Dazai wasn’t even controlling his body anymore. It needed Chuuya and even when he knew he had to let go it wouldn’t let go. Dazai could feel Chuuya lightly push him away, cementing this embrace in his mind he slowly let go.
“You have to go now Osamu. It’ll be fine. Take care of yourself okay. Eat every day, all three times. Don’t forget to change your bandages you vagabond. Okay?”
Chuuya smiled as he said that. He got off his lap and picked his bag, giving it to Dazai.
Dazai couldn’t help himself, he hugged Chuuya one last time. When he’s alone with no one but himself, when everything feels hopeless and he will want to end it all, he will remember this, he will remember he has to continue so that he can come back to this.
“I’ll come back. Not for a long time now but eventually. I’ll come back. So you can’t forget you owner okay hat rack? I’ll come and bother you again.”
He heard Chuuya chuckle a little and it was enough. He would remember every second of today. This will be his life support for all the dreary days ahead. He could feel Chuuya hit him lightly on his head and even this final touch he cherished. He would not let himself forget this.
“Not your dog.”
Dazai walked out of the house. The bag in his hand. He couldn’t look back at Chuuya, he didn’t know he would have the strength to leave if he did.
As he got all the way down his eyes turned towards Chuuya’s car. He set a bomb inside, removing it from his bag. He couldn’t have Mori suspecting his partner. He smiled as he imagined Chuuya’s reaction in his head. It was this or the bike and he would be long dead before he even touched Chuuya's bike.
He remembered when Chuuya had used the bike during the Shibusawa incident. That was the day Odasaku had found little Kosuke and the others. He could feel tears threatening to leak once again so he immediately dispelled such thoughts. He was outside, he couldn’t be this weak. He was already lucky that no had taken him out while he came to Chuuya’s pent house. He had been so out of it then.
Dazai had already formed plans in his head. Possible job options, places to stay, ways to evade the Port mafia. And when all was done and dusted, he would see Chuuya’s face again and it would all be worth it. He would keep his promise to Odasaku and Chuuya. He would come back to Chuuya while in the light.
They would be the weirdest pair ever, light and dark, but it would all be fine.