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Luffy was drowning.
Or that was what he thought when he woke up with his lungs screaming for air, mouth open with a silent scream. He was greeted with a dark ceiling and deafening silence all around him, a sharp contrast to the fire raging behind his eyelids and loud screams colliding harshly inside his head. The night’s cold wind felt harsh on his wet face, streaked with sweat and tears.
Luffy sat up with a trembling hand clawing at his chest, nails digging at the edges of his faded scar. It didn’t help, never had. His heart continued to thud painfully, every breath feeling like it was going to set his throat on fire. He cast a wild look around in the dark, eyes quickly passing over the still silhouettes of his crewmates sleeping peacefully. A sliver of relief found its way in; he hadn’t woken up anyone, thanks to the talent that he had picked up at some point in his childhood after Sabo left. He had to stop waking up Ace with his night terrors.
Ace.
Hands covered in blood, the sharp, pungent smell of burning flesh.
A sudden wave of nausea forced a choked sound out of him as he clambered out of his bunk in a mess of limbs and blankets. Sanji muttered something in his sleep and turned around, and it was all Luffy could do to stay still till his soft snores filled the air again.
With a hand clasped over his mouth and another on the wall, Luffy had no idea how he exited the men’s quarters without knocking something over and stumbling over his own footsteps. He made a mad dash for it as soon as he was out. The bathroom seemed miles away even as he ran, every nerve inside him burning with the lack of oxygen. It took all his will to not slam the door shut behind him when he finally found it, his body allowing him to take a sharp intake of breath as a reward.
He leaned over the sink, knuckles strained white on either side as he retched drily. The air was heavy with his own irregular, ragged breaths that felt like needles pricking at his throat and he was only too aware of the cold beads of sweat making their way down his skin. It felt like hours had gone by before the nausea finally subsided, letting him raise his head as he stood on shaky calves.
Red rimmed eyes and mussed hair stared back at him, the mirror above the sink reflecting his hollow, haunted face. It was like looking at a stranger he hadn’t met in a long while, someone he didn’t want to meet. And yet it wasn’t and he hated it, hated how it never truly went away, hated how he could see the proof of his existence when all he wanted to do was claw away at wounds he couldn’t touch or see till nothing was left.
Luffy closed his eyes. It was too much.
He was fine on most days. He was confident, believed in his strength, and knew he had it in him to dance between winning and protecting as needed. But on days like this, when memories of that day came flooding in without permission and scorched through his insides, Luffy couldn’t recognize the person he was. He didn’t feel like an emperor of the sea, didn’t feel like a sun god, didn’t feel like an ambitious captain.
He was back in the battlefield, helpless and powerless and weak, making the very person he had rushed to protect take the fall for him.
On days like this, Luffy wondered why he was alive and why he hadn’t died on that day instead.
The force of the thought that he had buried in the deepest pits of his mind over and over again finally made his legs give away, and Luffy paid no attention as his back slumped against the wall. The earlier desperation and intensity had given way to an odd resignedness, and he stopped trying to fight back as his mind played cursed scene after scene, each chipping away at his mind.
Stumbling over bloody corpses in the field, the guilt of not stopping to look at them. The increasing number of wounds on his allies, the occasional screams when someone was lost forever. The sheer hatred surrounding him, the stricken expression on Ace’s face as he watched the bloodshed and him , his blood covering Luffy’s shirt, a gentle smile as he burned from the inside, calling his name-
Luffy clutched at his hair, tugging tightly as his vision distorted with fresh, unfallen tears. Why was he here, what was he doing, why, why, why-
“Luffy?”
He stilled, not having registered the door creaking open. He peeked over his elbow to see Zoro standing at the threshold. He wanted to stretch his facial muscles to a wide grin, to call Zoro silly for being awake at this hour. But the look in Zoro’s eyes told him that he knew, knew that Luffy wasn’t really here at all but lost in the horror behind his hot eyelids that was yet to disappear. The change in his expression was subtle and yet gentle as he closed the door behind him softly.
“What’s wrong, captain?”
The low, soothing tone somehow quietens down the war raging in his head, giving him a proper breather. But voices were still escaping through the sides of a broken lid, telling him how he could save no one, how his efforts meant nothing in the end, how he brought destruction raining down around him. The present reality and the past mingled into a red blur and he wanted it to stop.
Everything suddenly quietened down when Zoro crouched down next to him and enveloped his trembling frame with his arms. It was strange that Luffy hadn’t noticed how cold the bathroom floor was till then, how he had been shivering, till he found himself sagging in the presence of Zoro’s warmth.
“Did I wake you?” Luffy asked quietly, his voice coming out as a weak croak.
“No. I just knew,” Zoro replied.
Fresh guilt spread through Luffy like wildfire when he remembered the digital clock flashing 3:57am next to Usopp's bed, and it wasn’t Zoro’s watch duty today. He had been busy throughout the previous day, training and helping Franky with fixing the damages on the ship from the last battle, damages that he had caused, and now Zoro was here without a complaint for him.
“Zoro, I’m sorry,” Luffy clutched the fabric of his coat tightly. “I’m really-"
“Don’t apologize. It’s unlike you,” Zoro chided, a hand moving to brush the back of his head with calloused fingers. “Besides, I have told you to wake me if this happens.”
Luffy said nothing as he stopped fidgeting in Zoro’s secure hold. Nightmares weren't a frequent occurence. But when they came knocking on some random night, the memories crashing down like a tidal wave and leaving everything to crumble down in its wake, every ounce of his energy would be sapped out as they cruelly taunted him of what was lost, what it had cost for him to be alive and breathing now.
The first time it had happened, Zoro had been asleep next to him. A word didn’t have to be said for him to understand, to gently pick up the sharp, broken shards of him and patch wounds that couldn’t be seen like he was doing now. Nimble fingers that he knew too well caressed his back gently, soothing the knots of tension that had built up in such a short time.
“Want to talk about it?”
Luffy shook his head and Zoro hummed, moving back to cradle his face as his thumbs swiped at the tear tracks on his cheeks. The kindness in Zoro’s face makes Luffy wonder what he did to deserve this, and it opens another floodgate inside him as he leaned into Zoro’s chest again. Zoro’s hold never relented, from when his body started shaking again to when the sniffles could no longer be restricted inside him. Zoro sat patiently with him on the freezing floor, pressing a kiss on the crown of his head as he drew soothing circles on his back.
He wasn’t sure how long it was before his heartbeat finally stopped sounding like it was going to crack his ribcage and swallow him whole.
His voice finally came back to him in words instead of screams, and he mumbled, “Zoro. ‘m tired.”
“Do you want to go back to sleep?”
Luffy hummed noncommittally, picking at Zoro’s sash.
A low whine of protest built up in his throat when Zoro stood up, offering a hand. “Well then, let’s start by getting out of here.”
Luffy looked at the hand in front of him, almost raising his own when he noticed the mirror to his side currently reflecting the side of Zoro’s face. He dropped it halfway, huddling onto himself as he looked away. “Don’t wanna.”
“Why? It’s only going to get colder in here, you know,” Zoro said.
Luffy wanted to say some excuse, to come up with something clever enough that’d warrant staying here for another few hours but frankly, he had never been good at this kind of thing and he was tired and this was Zoro . So he simply goes for the truth, as childish as it sounded.
“Don’t wanna look at myself. All stupid and weak,” He whispered, frowning as the words left him. He didn’t want to explain, didn’t want to elaborate, thereby avoiding Zoro’s eyes.
“Luffy.”
He wrapped his arms tighter around his own knees.
“Luffy. Do you trust me?”
Luffy’s mouth hung open at the unfair question. He looked at Zoro’s smile and his outstretched hand, incredulous that Zoro had used that card against him. There was only one answer to that question and they both knew it.
He raised his own hand and let Zoro pull him up in the form of a reply, watching Zoro’s smile widen(a sight so beautiful) before he closed his eyes. He was physically and emotionally spent, and he wasn’t sure if he could stop himself from crumbling again if he looked at the mirror.
Gentle hands maneuvered him, and Luffy started shaking his head when he realized he was facing the mirror again.
“Shh. Open your eyes and trust me. I’m right behind you,” Zoro said, pressing a small kiss at the tense slope of his shoulder.
“You are unfair sometimes,” Luffy grumbled. He didn’t want to, he really didn’t want to but Zoro was warm and he was whispering so sweetly into his ear, and Luffy slowly listened.
He opened his eyes to see his earlier self looking further worn down. But there were two people staring back at him right now, and the cold dread that was threatening to rise again stopped in its tracks when Zoro’s arm came to rest at his waist.
“Do you see him? The guy next to me?” Zoro started, and Luffy nodded imperceptibly, inhaling shakily. However, Zoro seemed satisfied with that and continued.
“That’s my captain,” Zoro said, and there was such a note of pride in his voice that it stopped the fresh wave of voices readying their weapons. “He can be an idiot, and I often get swept away in the chaos he causes. But he’s also selfishly kind, and I have never seen him give up even when all odds are against him. He’s often reckless with his health, and gives multiple years worth of stress to our ship’s doctor every time because he doesn’t care what happens to himself if it means he can protect the ones that he loves.”
Luffy wanted to say that Zoro stressed out Chopper just as much, but the glint in his eye told him that he had more to say.
“He’s also the guy that somehow just knows when I’m not feeling good, and clings to my side annoyingly till I’m back to myself. Sometimes he ends up throwing his idiotic, devil fruit self off the ship and I have to jump after him, because someone has to watch this careless captain’s back.”
“Hey, I thought you were going to cheer me up,” Luffy grumbled.
“But you know what I have noticed? Not even the sea, with all its might and power, can wipe the smile off his face. Because he’s that strong. He has dueled with the grim reaper multiple times and returned from the brink of death, smiling like it was just a small scratch. That’s my captain, the person I love and the man I have chosen to follow till the end. So don’t you fucking dare call him weak.”
Getting caught off-guard usually never meant anything good. But this time, it felt like the sun’s rays were finally reaching him, melting away the cold shroud of darkness that had hung around him just moments ago. The tenderness of Zoro’s words swept over him like a warm embrace, and he watched himself returning Zoro’s smile in the mirror.
“That’s more like it,” Zoro said appreciatively, kissing the corner of his mouth in praise. “Feel like sleeping now?”
He felt his exhaustion in his bones, like someone had dunked him in sea water and pulled him out. He let Zoro support more of his weight as he leaned in and murmured his assent.
As he walked down the dark corridor, a single softer, gentler voice replaced the hundreds of terrible ones, like a sliver of light cutting through them. Zoro’s words hung around him like an invisible cloak, and slowly, his hands didn’t feel like they were freezing cold anymore.
He could ask for nothing better when he felt Zoro pressing against his back as they finally laid down, Zoro’s fingers threading with his.
“Zoro? Love you.”
The answer was instant, not missing a beat despite how tired they both were.
“Love you too. Always will.”