Chapter Text
Yet again, Alfred has found himself in a dark place where he didn't feel in control of his body; no, even more so he was repulsed by it. The lines were curving the wrong way, they changed his sharp edges to soft rounds - and he hated it. There was nothing in the world that brought him more joy or put him at ease more than fast food and as he struggled with his mental health he began struggling with his weight as well. The pounds just crept onto him and he was getting heavier by the day. A deep sense of shame and humiliation followed his step wherever he went and he began to fear others would catch onto it.
He was getting looks. His friends and fellow countries really eyed him in a way that felt like he was pointed at with hand drawn red arrows and circled with red circles, maybe sprinkle some shocked and disgusted emojis into the mix to get that real trashy magazine vibe. That even wasn't far out of the question. He was sort of a public figure and if he had to go out in public he'd get candid-photographed and gossiped about for real. It was all bad news. Put aside the personal shame, his public image was at stake. His pride was yet to be broken and he'd shrivel at the thought of the people out there name calling him. He had to do something.
That something being, clearly, dieting. He had to give up fast food all together, no snacking and no treats; it already sounded like a nightmare as it would render him useless and desperate without his most trusted coping mechanisms. Having struggled with eating disorders before, he read all about various diets and tips, even unhealthy ones on the tumblr blogs of teenagers, he cut out all the diet advice from magazines and dove head first into pro ana territory like his life depended on it. And yet he felt like a total noob at how to actually get it done right, it being dieting. Eat salad, I guess - for sure that's what they did in movies and stuff and why would Hollywood lie to him. So he ate salad and did some sit ups but it didn't feel right and he was itching for some greasy junk food. He had no idea how to get rid of the urge to indulge in massive amounts of food. So he slipped. And the next logical step was to eject the foreign objects from his system so he threw up in the conference hall bathroom when no one was there to witness it. He relapsed. He still had some control over his reappearing illness but it was becoming apparent that he wanted and needed to binge eat which could only be followed by forcefully coughing it back up.
Tears gathered in his eyes as he squeezed the last bits out of his throat. He flushed and went to wash his hand and face, then wiped his glasses and finally put them back on. He somehow managed to get some teardrops over the lenses, despite taking them off beforehand.
"You're a total loser" he thought to his reflection in the big fancy mirror. Then he heard some footsteps approaching and thanked whoever's out there that they didn't come one second sooner.
A short, sickly thin man with pronounced eyebrows opened the door and headed towards the urinals, not without the two making uncomfortable eye contact for a few seconds. It had to be Arthur of all people. Alfred turned back to the mirror, his hands on the basin and he took some deep breaths before leaving, ignoring his presence. The two had a complicated relationship neither of them understood but at the end of the day they usually ended up caring about each other. And there, as Alfred was walking through the hallway Arthur caught up to him.
"Hey, Jones!" he raised his hand to wave as if he needed to draw attention to himself in the empty corridor.
Alfred stopped in his tracks and turned back quietly. "Hm?"
"Weird observation, but I saw how pale you were a few minutes ago and just wanted to ask if you were okay. You disappeared by the time I was done with my business, didn't want to confront you whilst taking a piss.-"
"Crude but okay." he cleared his throat. "I'm fine. Felt a little light headed so I washed my face. That's it, not a big story. There's no air in that conference room." he lied.
"Whatever you say. You know you can talk to me." Arthur scoffed and crossed his arms.
"It's nothing plus I don't wanna talk about it. Let's just drop it." Alfred pouted in frustration.
"Not nothing if you 'don't want to talk about it' but sure, let's drop it. In any case, wanted to ask if you'd fancy some McDonald's because I wanted to-"
"No." The blond man interrupted bluntly. "I can't, sorry. I'm on a diet." he muttered under his breath. He knew what was coming to him.
"On a diet? That's rich coming from you." Arthur giggled maliciously, eyeing him up and down. "Excuse that, I just find it rather comical how you usually don't then suddenly do care about these things."
What a jerk again! He just had to pick on him where he was vulnerable. But he can't just break down in front of him and give him the satisfaction of being right.
"Well, now I do care and it's important. I don't want to talk to you about my diet habits because all you do is make fun of me anyways."
He was about to turn and leave it at that, but Arthur wasn't done with the conversation.
"I'm not making fun of you, you just take everything personally. I do find certain aspects absurd but you need to cut me some slack, I'm not without faults." he sighed "Alright, I apologize for making fun of your eating. I know it's a touchy subject for you and I don't know the struggle you go through, I only see the outside. On the surface what I see is comical, a little charming in its own way I must say. Don't think I don't like to see you happy. I'm just horrid at showing it."
Alfred nodded and took a deep breath through his nose. Whatever he says. Half assed apology and everything, he wasn't in the mood for the British man's antics.
"Kiku is down in the hall, if you need him. I know you talk through dietary advice with him." Arthur said above his shoulder as he was set to leave. "It was nice seeing you. Farewell." he mimicked raising his hat.
"Bye…" Alfred raised his hand weakly. The social interaction with Arthur took a lot out of him. He could be a real pain in the ass to talk to with his preachy, better than thou attitude, but the forcefully flowing conversation was also not a great pleasure. They cared about each other, but despite all, if you knew him well, Arthur was a jerk and a half.
He might actually take his word for one thing though, that being talking to Kiku. He needed any and all allies in this situation. They were close friends, or at least had a clearer, easier to understand dynamic between them. Plus Kiku was easy to talk to, he usually went along with anything and didn't let his politeness disappear for a second, unlike the gentle-twat that Arthur was. Nothing against him either but he was trouble who could be fun at some but insufferable at other times.
Alfred took on to the hall where Kiku was supposedly located. Just some friendly chit chat would be enough to ease his pains but if he actually could hand him some valuable diet advice, he'd thank that. They've been buddies for a century, but both kept their secrets to themselves. Kiku was just that type and Alfred, being a little overly emotional and dramatic at times, was stubborn and prideful and didn't want to let his heroic facade slip. Why he wanted to keep pretending to be perfect wasn't clear to him, since it's obvious no one is but he'd rather let others take his tryhard hot-headed attitude as a fault than what he was actually dealing with. They did give him crap for his weight, but that was more of a warning than warranted teasing. He was a little chubby but not that much that he couldn't hide it under multiple layers of clothing and some shape morphing undergarments. Now he was struggling to, and clearly he couldn't keep that up. He was always this self conscious but now more than ever. A hero shouldn't have a gut like he did and shouldn't have to struggle buttoning his pants. No matter how hard he tried his whole life he couldn't become shredded like his ideal, he was just an average person - with a mild to severe food addiction, so that was a no go. All that, and his metabolism was slow so his guilt caked onto him, filling out his clothes.
As he made his way to the hall the thought about what he'd even say or how he'd bring up the topic. Can't exactly open with that out of the blue. Just say hi to him and things will work out from there - he hoped as he didn't really like to plan ahead.
In the hall a raven haired man was sitting and reading some newspapers. He had reading glasses on that went well with his smart attire. Everything about him was neat and precise, from his perfectly ironed shirt to the light of his intelligent gaze behind his dark eyes. You could have never guessed he was just as much of a nerd as Alfred was. In the sunbeams filtered through the shades he looked so serene.
"Yo! Kiku!" Alfred walked up to him "Hope I'm not bothering you."
"Hi Alfred. Not at all." Kiku smiled politely as he put the papers aside.
"Can I sit down?" The blond man asked. Kiku gestured to the seat beside him invitingly.
"Suit yourself."
"Thanks." Alfred let a slight smile creep onto his face.
"What is it that you want to talk about? You looked really serious for a second." Alfred gulped at the question, it came too suddenly. Cut right to the chase I guess, no formalities. Now there was no way he could have brought it up casually, Kiku was all ears and aware of his every move.
"No going around it, I guess I'm bad at keeping a straight face." he slicked his hair back in embarrassment. His cowlick popped right back up as his hand released it. It was going to be that stubborn today. Someone needed to be.
"I was just wondering if you had anything smart to say about dieting. I uh- a friend! A friend of mine is having a hard time sticking to a diet and I am none the wiser. Thought I'd come to you for advice."
"This friend of yours" Kiku smirked slightly, as he knew what was happening but he gave Alfred what he wanted, he played along. "What kind of diet are they trying to adhere to?"
"Wuh?" Alfred starched his head "What kind? I don't know, just a healthy diet. Like eating salads and stuff."
"Eating salad doesn't constitute dieting, you know. You need a balanced intake of various nutrients, enough calories to get through the day. When you get what your body needs and don't take more, then you will be losing weight."
"Uhuh" Alfred stared blankly as he nodded. He knew himself enough to realize his body demanded more than it really needed, so he couldn't exactly listen to that. If he didn't make himself eat the absolute bare minimum he could muster, he'd definitely go overboard. Years of comfort eating habits and his unusually large appetite just wouldn't let him feel full or that enough was enough. And how would he know if he messed up? If he'd gone a few calories over the limit without counting them painstakingly. Besides all that, the process of losing weight would take him months if not years and all that time with all those food restrictions sounded like pure hell.
"I see I'm not getting through to you" Kiku cleared his throat "We're talking about you, aren't we?"
Alfred suddenly felt like he was struck by lightning. Embarrassment spread around his cheeks as his gut caved in like he'd gotten a good sucker punch. He almost teared up but bit his lip to stop his emotions from slipping.
"Alfred. You don't need to feel ashamed. It's only natural you would ask for help-"
"No! It's not about asking for help, though, that also kinda makes me feel weak. I'm more concerned about people knowing that I struggle with… weight issues..." he hissed through his teeth" because then they will know for real that I'm… fat and so much so in fact that I have a problem with it and can't even help myself! And then everyone would stop discreetly shooting me glances and they would start saying, out loud, what they think. I'm scared of that. I just wanted to live in a world where I could make myself believe that others still thought of me as a strong and charismatic person and not a fat slob who can't take care of himself. But I guess they would be right because here I am."
Kiku was quiet, his tiny frame sat rigid and unmoving as Alfred was holding back tears in the empty hall. There was no one else to witness his weakness other than his trusted friend, but he didn't want even him to see. In fact he wanted to disappear completely and never be perceived by anyone. What they would see is what Alfred saw in the mirror, what made him want to go weeks without eating or throwing up after every meal. The walls and chairs judged him, they silently mocked him for having no self control and letting himself go like that. The air was growing tense, it was getting harder to bear.
"Alfred… I'm not sure if that helps but everyone knows about your 'weight issue', they can see you as much as you see yourself. They just don't say anything because it's not as noteworthy to them as it is to you. Everyone who loves you, loves you just like this and it has never had to do anything with your weight."
Alfred shook his head. Kiku's kind words undeniably felt good to hear but… something just didn't sit right with him about it. Sure, even if his friends truly didn't care about his weight, he himself did and that was the root of the issue. Not to mention his bosses and the tabloids, magazines and Twitter comments painstakingly analyzing his every move. He was under a lot of pressure. All countries were to a degree but he was the physical representation of the United States for crying out loud! A place probably everyone has heard of. A place everyone just loved to make fun of. And sure, Alfred too has rolled his eyes over his stupid bosses newest dumb takes before, he was just as affected by unreasonable customs as his citizens, he had every right to be just as frustrated about the state of things. He would have had every right to point and laugh at his own country as well, as many did. But even if it was the land of the stupid not so much the land of the free in the public's eyes, he still felt responsible. For their image if not more. And what would have tarnished their dubious reputation even more than their beloved Golden Child slipping? He wasn't responsible for their image as much as he was the mere representation of it.
He rolled his hands into fists over his knees as he sat there with his bent back. Not looking back at his friend, not looking out of his head at all in particular. He was stuck in it. In the realm of his mind, which as often times as it was, was relentless yet again.
“I just can't go on like this, dude…” he hissed between gritted teeth. “There's a lot here at stake and I don't want to be the one to ruin everything for everyone. It's easy for you to speak about what's acceptable or respected when you're the manifestation of proper. You're not the one who's boss is constantly up in the case about what you've been eating, or the one whose interview pictures are airbrushed into oblivion!”
Kiku just looked at him frowning. Yeah, the situation wasn't as easy as he had hoped. Things get a lot more difficult once you consider the reality you are basically an immortal spokesperson and public mascot. Suddenly Alfred's silly little body image issues were more like a socio-political conflict and not just something between friends. His friends would love him regardless of what he looked like, that's true. But despite how much Alfred desperately clung to the idea, the whole world wasn't his friends.
“Alright, I'm sorry, Alfred. I wasn't taking you seriously enough and for that, I apologize. I know you are under a lot of stress, all the time, more than I am, more than potentially most of us are. It's sad we have to live in such a shallow world. While I would still be there for you regardless of your size I know you can't afford to let yourself get that way. If you do need anything else in the way of dietary advice, you always know where to find me.”
“I'm so tired of dieting, Kiku…” Alfred sobbed into his hands. While the shorter man wasn't one for physical touch in the general sense, he gently put his palm over Alfred's back to offer him comfort. He nodded quietly.
“I'm tired of pills and salads and throwing up all the time! I'm tired of having to care so much, honestly.” Kiku pulled out a handkerchief and handed it over to him. Alfred loudly blew his nose as his sobs were still echoing in the empty hall. He took a deep breath and sat up, finally. His face was puffy and damp but he wasn't crying anymore. He hated to be seen showing such a shameful emotion but he couldn't stop himself. At the very least it was Kiku sitting beside him who was too polite to say anything mean and not Arthur who would probably have ruined the moment. Or even worse yet, his rival, Ivan.
“What I'm saying might sound counterproductive, but… “ the Japanese man hesitated. “What would you say if I invited you out for a burger? Just this once, afterwards you can start a better diet of course. It would be my treat.”
If he knew one thing about his friend it was that the promise of a treat always put him at ease. He wanted to see him happy again so desperately and if all it took to see him smile was between a couple of mouthfuls of hamburgers then so be it. The poor man probably hasn't been eating properly anyways, at least this was a way he could make sure he wasn't skipping through all his meals. He couldn't enforce keeping them down however but he was hoping the offer he'd pay for the outing would motivate Alfred to do so.
Alfred cracked a weak smile in his direction, a crack in his now pale face. Unlike Arthur's seemingly selfish offer there was thought and care behind his words. Getting fast food once in a while wasn't the end of the world after all, the issue lied more in the fact that's all he ever wanted to do and the more he tried to abstain from the empty calories the desire for them grew. Best to nip it in the bud, just this once. He would calm down and get some good old serotonin, then he could start to lose weight, finally, properly. He hoped at least.
Later at the restaurant they were sitting in a booth, Alfred among his beloved burgers while all Kiku really wanted was to make him happy and maybe a diet coke.
“Sure you don't want anything, bro? It's not like you have to watch your weight too.” Alfred inquired with sauce on his face.
“I'm good, don't worry.” he shook his head gently.
While Kiku was also one for earthly desires, in moderation, he never truly understood Alfred whose mood drastically improved even if the food he was having wasn't of the highest quality. He could go for a good homey plate of ramen at one of his high end restaurants and that would sure put him in a good mood for a few hours but just having a sad looking fast food burger didn't do much for him. He was happy for Alfred, though. He was finally smiling, which he hadn't seen from him all day long. He couldn't help but smile too, in his own, much more reserved way.
“Man, I just wish I could let myself enjoy things… And not just when I'm at a breaking point but like, be happy for real, permanently.”
“Really all that takes you to be this happy is to eat? I don't get it.” Kiku squinted.
“It's not so much about that, it's more like the idea that I'm allowed to do things for enjoyment rather than necessity. Enjoying life shouldn't be paired with stressing about undoing the damage you've caused by just being carefree. Getting wrinkles if you smile too much or gaining weight if you are eating good, you know? I guess plastic surgery would solve that but I don't think that would work on us like it does on regular people. If it did, you'd think Arthur would have done something already-” he vaguely gestured over his face as Kiku choked on his beverage.
Alfred laughed, his powerful voice cutting through the general bustling of the place, turning some heads even, but he didn't care. He finally felt free of his troubles, after all these months of depression.
“But really, what's the worst thing that could happen if you tried? Doing things for yourself, I mean.” Kiku pursued him further.
“I dunno? Absolute worst? World War III.” Alfred wondered.
“Dumbass...” he thought as he chuckled. “Do you really think you gaining weight would cause that big of a political shift? Aren't you over appreciating yourself a bit there?” he teased lightly.
“Maybe a little bit.” Alfred laughed it off.
“I guarantee you a new age of war isn't going to break out if you quit with your restrictions. You deserve a break from stress, after all. You could still diet if you wanted to, but not with the purpose of losing weight.”
“Not? Then what would be the point?” Alfred tilted his head curiously. He hasn't heard of that before. To him the idea of dieting has always been this looming over force, something slightly sinister you are forcing yourself to endure when you are not satisfied with your reflection in the mirror.
“I mean you could just try being healthier without inherently wanting to fit a smaller size. With the focus not being on restrictions but actually trying to listen to what your body needs over what your mind desires and choosing things that are good for you. I think you agree you could use some fixing of your relationship with eating.” he explained.
“I see…” Alfred scratched his head nervously. It was true, he did hate the guilt cycle after all. But deep down he was still scared of the same thing.
“But what if I ease up and end up gaining more weight?” he wrinkled his forehead with a gut sinking feeling. He still really didn't want that to happen… His image, his reputation. All that he has worked on would be ruined and he'd be reduced to what? A stereotype?
“Then you do!” Kiku furrowed his brow. “Wouldn't the point be that you are healing?”
Healing, huh… Now that definitely sounded like something he wanted part of, maybe even a bit more than he was afraid of his weight finally shifting. What was the worst thing he'd have to deal with after all? Rather choosing unsavory comments on social media than working himself into exhaustion and despair. He finally decided. He was going to choose his own happiness.