Chapter Text
Beanpole and Moustache and Mister Zillions
Chapter 1
It is the day of the meeting with Mister Zillions. Beanpole wakes up to his alarm clock, which is set up to play Madonna’s “Vogue”, because we’re doing a turn-of-the-millennium style getting-dressed montage. Kinda like in “Devil Wears Prada”, except that one has a different song. Beanpole wakes up and starts the shower so it heats up while he gets out of his pajamas. He showers, then gets out and opens his closet. What? You thought we would have descriptions of the shower? No! You perv!
Beanpole throws on his undies and picks out a pair of socks with Argyles on them. No, not the pattern; the limo driver from “Die Hard”. He grabs his favorite jeans that make his butt look good, and a pale green button-up shirt. He gets dressed and pulls on his cowboy boots, then combs his hair. Then he picks out a tie: a green one with green stripes. Different greens. Not the same green. That’s just solid color. The montage ends with him putting on an onyx tie clip. The stone, not the Pokémon. It’s marbled and it’s shaped like his guitar.
He locks the door and heads out to his brothers’ pickup truck, which he is still borrowing. Moustache promised to go halvesies on a used station wagon, but they still have to go get it. Beanpole feels really cool and sexy this morning. Last episode, O’Hare told him Mister Zillions thinks he’s cute, and he likes when people think he looks good. He drives over to Moustache’s apartment building. The crime scene is cleaned up already.
Moustache jogs up to the truck and hops in. Beanpole looks at him sideways and snirks. “Did you try to comb your hair?”
Moustache grumbles. “You know the hairy ball problem from physics?”
“Eww!”
“What? No, you weirdo! The science thing! That’s why I can’t comb my fur! Don’t be gross!”
They drive to the precinct and clock in. The pop into Captain Cyrus D’Liveryguy’s office to update him.
Cy looks up from his paperwork. “You’re looking snazzy, Detective.” He looks down at Moustache. “What happened to your fur?”
Beanpole giggles. “Yeah, Moustache. Tell the captain about your hairy balls.”
Moustache punches Beanpole in the hip, which is as far as he can reach.
Cy cocks his head. “You mean the hairy ball problem? From physics? Yeah, that would explain it. And Once-ler, you can’t really talk smack about hairy balls when you keep a cucumber in your pants.”
Beanpole is aghast! He looks at Moustache. “You told him??”
Moustache shrugs. “Well, we got that appointment today with Mister Zillions. Wish us luck, Boss!”
The captain sends them off. Beanpole pouts all the way to the truck. They get in and he starts the engine. “You suck.”
They drive to the address from Beanpole’s notepad. It’s a small building, but it’s super fancy and lavish. They even got one of those peeing cherub fountains! The detectives chat as they walk up to the building.
Moustache absently tries to fix his fur as he talks. “So you got all snazzy dressed up, huh. Do you think you’re gonna play bad cop/sexy cop? Is that your angle?”
Beanpole grins. He feels confident again. “I mean, if our guy is into me, why not use that? You’ve seen me work the charm; you know I got this.”
“I’ve seen you flirt with an old lady and fail.”
“Okay, shut up. You don’t get it.”
“Well, you got the chance to prove me wrong today. Good luck, buddy.”
They stop at the door. They’re not sure if they’re supposed to knock or come right on in. The door isn’t glass, so they can’t see if there’s a desk on the other side.
“Should we open the door, or?”
“I dunno.”
Beanpole decides to risk it and he opens the door. “Oh good. There’s a front desk. Come on.” He holds the door for Moustache and they step inside. Beanpole leans over the desk and gets the attention of the anachronistic scene kid on the other side. The kid looks up.
“You got an appointment?”
“We do. Nine-thirty with Mister Zillions?”
The kid checks the computer calendar, squinting because he’s supposed to be wearing his reading glasses, but he doesn’t wanna look like a hipster. “Oh, you’re the allegedly hot detective.”
“Allegedly?”
“Second floor, end of the hall. You can’t miss it. Take a visitor badge from the box.” He holds up a box and shakes it. Beanpole takes two badges and waves goodbye, then helps Moustache clip his badge to his knockoff thneed.
They take the stairs to the second floor and make their way down the long hall. The building’s insides are just as fancy as its outsides. There’s a very plush rug all the way along the hall, and lots of real paintings. Mostly of suggestively arranged vegetables and fruits, but also some classical expressionist pieces and even some dadaist abstracts. Very fancy. The writer studied art one time. One time like, one sitting. The writer did not go to art-studying school. But they did take a bunch of art electives in middle and high school. Anyways.
Beanpole knocks on the door of Mister Zillions’ office. The door buzzes and swings open, very fancy-like. And definitely not at all just a guy on the other side opening the door. The detectives walk in and approach the desk. The chair is facing the other way, like a Bond villain. Moustache fidgets. “Do we sit down, or?”
The chair spins around to reveal: Norma the hotdog lady from the first episode! Ta-da! Surprise! Bet you may or may not have expected that!