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It was an empty feeling. Hollow. Bitter. Dissatisfying. It wasn’t fair, in his opinion, even if by every rule of volleyball they had lost and wouldn’t be moving forward this season. It just didn’t feel right to have the third years retire, to lose all of the hard work they had put in for the past year and beyond. Shirabu wasn’t ready to let go of the last two years spent on this team. He wasn’t ready to start his last year, knowing that it wouldn’t quite be the same without their senpai there.
Still, it wasn’t as though Shirabu would never see them again. They still had until March before the third years graduated, and even if they weren’t on the same team anymore, he would still see them around campus. Ushijima probably wouldn’t even stop coming to practices completely, wanting to keep up his training for when it was time to get scouted for college teams. Everyone knew that even if Ushijima didn’t get showcased at the national level for the first time in his high school career, he would still have colleges knocking on their gym door with offers to play on their teams. Oohira would probably join practices here and there, as well, because he hadn’t yet decided whether to pursue volleyball in college or not. Tendou went wherever Ushijima went, so even if he was only sitting on the sidelines, taunting Kawanishi and ogling Ushijima on the court, he would be about, as well. Semi they wouldn’t see as often. Not that Shirabu really minded, in all honesty. But still, he would be around and Shirabu wouldn’t have the opportunity to miss him. Yamagata had become friends with both Shirabu and Kawanishi, so Shirabu didn’t doubt he would come poking around their classrooms during lunchtime. Anything to get away from the pressure of entrance exams which all the third years were currently facing.
But it wasn’t really the loss of the third years that was bothering Shirabu the most. No, it was the announcement that had come at the end of their final team meeting. The one that announced that Ushijima finally would be stepping down as captain and handing the reigns of the team to none other than Shirabu.
It was a daunting task to lead the best team in the prefecture (and they were still the best team as far as Shirabu was concerned; one loss was nowhere near enough to dethrone them). Ushijima had done it flawlessly, with a quiet grace that Shirabu knew he could never match. He had been told already by the coach and everyone else who mattered that he didn’t have to live up to Ushijima’s standards, and somewhere deep inside him, he knew he didn’t have to match him either. They were different people, with different temperaments, leading a different team. Things were bound to be at least slightly different compared to this year’s lineup, but Shirabu wasn’t sure if he was ready to take on that task.
He was a good enough player, one that could at least garner the respect of the new first years and those who would be moving up to the first string after this regime change. Goshiki would follow what he said without blinking, and, though Kawanishi would goad him, he knew the taller boy would support his decisions.
Honestly, he didn’t know what he was so worried about.
Maybe he was still bitter about their defeat. About failing to get their seniors to the national level one more time before they had to call it quits.
Maybe he truly doubted himself and his abilities to be captain of such an amazing team but wasn’t ready to admit it to himself yet.
Maybe he feared for the future of the team, a team with only the barebones remains of the previous year’s lineup.
Maybe it was even a mixture of all of the above, causing a nasty churning in his stomach as the anxiety over the next year loomed over his head.
Lost in his own thoughts, Shirabu didn’t hear the door to the locker-room creak open. He didn’t even realize that someone had come to join him in his quiet melancholy until Kawanishi took a seat on the bench beside him. Kawanishi didn’t even look down at him, simply staring straight ahead at the empty lockers, freshly cleaned out so that all of their practice clothes and uniforms could be washed. Neither of them said anything about the fact that the five lockers to the far left wouldn’t be filled again until next year, once the coach decided on who would be the appropriate replacements on the first string. No, they simply sat in silence, enjoying the hum of disappointment and anticipation that hung between them in the stale locker-room air.
Kawanishi was the first one to break the silence as he always did when Shirabu was too stubborn to speak. “My ass hurts. I don’t mind if you continue this pouting because, honestly, Cute-As-Hell Kenjirou, keep it up. But can we maybe continue it in a place with chairs that don’t corrupt the integrity of my tailbone?”
Shirabu pressed his lips together, trying not to laugh as well as get rid of the supposed pout at the same time. He nodded sharply when he noticed Kawanishi watching him out of the corner of his eye, but he refused to move from his spot until Kawanishi stood and held out a hand to pull him up. Shirabu reached out to grab Kawanishi’s hand, their palms fitting together as nicely as they ever did. Kawanishi yanked his arm as soon as he had a good enough grip, causing Shirabu to bounce on his toes and collide with Kawanishi’s chest, which was probably the taller boy’s intent.
“Upsy daisy, Captain, let’s go home now.”
Shirabu tugged his hand out of Kawanishi’s grasp, shooting a glare up at him as he tucked his arm against his chest. “Don’t.”
Kawanishi sighed, propping one hand on his hip as he frowned down at his little boyfriend. “Is that really why you’ve been throwing a tantrum for the last thirty minutes? I’ve been waiting for you to come outside and here you are, whining about being captain.”
Shirabu crossed his arms in front of his chest, trying to match Kawanishi’s frown with a glare of his own. “I haven’t been throwing a tantrum, and I have not been whining.”
“Okay, but that tone you used just now? Definitely a whine.”
Shirabu rolled his eyes before picking up his bag and leaving the locker-room, sure that Kawanishi would follow behind him. The door didn’t even have a chance to begin swinging shut before Kawanishi was beside him. He nudged Shirabu’s arm with his elbow, trying to get him to uncross his arms.
“Hey, I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t realize you were so upset.”
Shirabu huffed, blowing his bangs out of his eyes as he elbowed Kawanishi back. “If you were as smart as you always claim to be, you should have realized it when I didn’t come out of the locker-room after talking to Ushijima-senpai and the coach.”
Kawanishi nodded slowly, nudging Shirabu’s arm again until he finally let it fall to his side. “I’m sorry, Kenjirou. What’s got you so upset?”
Shirabu shrugged as he let Kawanishi take his hand in his own so that they could walk back slowly to the dorms together. “I’m not sure exactly. But this last week hasn’t exactly been peachy.”
Kawanishi shuddered in response, clearly remembering everything. The loss, the punishment serves when they returned to campus, two days of moping around as they all recovered before finally having their last team practice today. They hadn’t done much more than warm up and play a five-on-five game to see the seniors off before they had their final team meeting.
The meeting in which Shirabu had been named the next captain, and Kawanishi had taken over the role of vice.
Shirabu shivered, pretending as if it was from the crisp breeze that had been picking up ever since the tournament ended. Kawanishi squeezed his fingers, letting him know that he was still there, and would be there, regardless of what happened over the course of the next year.
The rest of the walk back to their dorm was quiet, with nothing but the crunching of loose gravel beneath their shoes interrupting Shirabu’s thoughts. The queasy feeling in his stomach had dissipated slightly since Kawanishi’s arrival, but the longer they didn’t speak, the more his stomach felt as though it would bubble over and explode. Right into the nearest trashcan, or toilet, or flower bed. He couldn’t have been more thankful when they finally arrived at the door to Shirabu’s bedroom.
They didn’t share a dorm room, and that was probably for the best. Kawanishi probably would drive him crazy if they had to live together, play together, and date each other. And it wasn’t as if they spent every one of their waking hours in each other’s rooms anyway, so it didn’t matter much now that they weren’t with each other when they were asleep.
But, tonight, Shirabu wasn’t so sure he wanted to be alone.
Shirabu unlocked the door, dropping his things onto his desk chair as Kawanishi followed behind him quietly. Shirabu’s roommate was gone, already off to the prelims for the winter basketball tournament, so, even without asking, Kawanishi knew he could stay, making himself at home as if it was his own dorm room.
Shirabu sighed as he sat down on his bed, watching Kawanishi peel off his outer layer of clothes, leaving his practice uniform in place before making his way to Shirabu’s side.
“Make room, Shitabu.” Kawanishi nudged Shirabu’s knee with his own until the latter pulled his legs up on the bed, rolling to the side of the bed which was closest to the wall.
“I really wish you had never heard Tendou-senpai call me that.” Shirabu grimaced, tucking his face into his pillows as he felt the bed sink, letting him know that Kawanishi had crawled in beside him. It was a little too early to go to bed, the sun barely making its way below the horizon, but neither of them seemed to care very much. It had been a long week, and even though they had already had two full days of rest after the tournament, Shirabu still felt mentally exhausted.
Kawanishi wrapped an arm around Shirabu, pulling the smaller boy’s back against his chest. Shirabu scrunched up his nose, pressing his face farther into his pillows as Kawanishi nuzzled his face against the back of Shirabu’s head.
“You stink.”
Kawanishi pinched Shirabu’s chest, wholeheartedly accepting the elbow to his ribs that came in response. “You love it when I smell like a man.”
“I’d love you more if you took a shower after practice consistently.”
Shirabu heard a tiny gasp before the side of his face was covered in kisses. “I can’t believe it! Shitabu loves me!”
Shirabu groaned and planted his feet against the wall before pushing back, intent on kicking Kawanishi out of his small dorm bed. Knocked off-balance, Kawanishi grabbed at the pillows under Shirabu’s head in an attempt to remain upright before yanking them away as he tumbled to the floor. He didn’t even complain as he crawled back into bed, simply tossing the pillows towards Shirabu’s face before laying his entire weight on the smaller body.
“It’s all right, Kenjirou. I love you, too.”
Shirabu rolled his eyes as he pushed against his boyfriend’s broad shoulders, trying to get himself some room to breathe. “What have you been eating? You’re heavy and you stink.”
Kawanishi pouted as he rolled off Shirabu’s body and onto the small, empty sliver of bed. He tried to match the irritated look on Shirabu’s face as he watched him, moving his eyebrows and lips up and down until a small smile finally spread across the smaller boy’s face. “There we go. I knew you didn’t want me to leave.”
Shirabu rolled onto his side, resting his head against Kawanishi’s outstretched arm and regretting it a second later when he realized how close his nose was to Kawanishi’s armpit. “I never said I wanted you to leave. I just said you stink.”
“You’re so mean to me, Kenjirou. Why am I even dating you?”
“Who knows?” Shirabu moved his head further onto Kawanishi’s shoulder to escape the rancid smell in his nose. He let out a dejected sigh as Kawanishi wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Shirabu placed a hand on Kawanishi’s chest, drumming his fingers over the taller boy’s heart as they settled into a slow little silence.
Never one to sit for long without saying anything, Kawanishi broke the silence ten minutes later as they watched the orange light from the setting sun play against the opposite wall. “I know why.” Kawanishi ran his fingers through the back of Shirabu’s hair, making it stick up on end as he rubbed Shirabu’s scalp.
Shirabu sighed, leaning his head back against Kawanishi’s big hand as the other boy continued to massage his head. “What are you talking about?”
“I know why I’m dating you.”
Shirabu rolled his eyes and clicked his tongue as he decided that whatever Kawanishi was going to say was probably silly enough that he didn’t need to lift his head an inch. “Pray tell, what would that be?”
Kawanishi tapped his fingers on Shirabu’s shoulder, closing his eyes in a mock display of deep thought. Shirabu knew he had thought already of everything he wanted to say; it was just a matter of dragging it out for so long that made Shirabu crazy.
When Kawanishi made no move to open his mouth and speak again, Shirabu whined, “Taichi…”
“Shhhh, babe.” With his free hand, Kawanishi reached across his body to press a finger against Shirabu’s lips. “This is one of the reasons I’m dating you. You’re cute when you’re quiet.”
Shirabu grimaced and snapped his teeth at the finger pressing against his lips. Kawanishi removed his hand, covering Shirabu’s hand which still rested over his heart instead.
“I also like it that your parents always invite me to come with you guys when you go get sukiyaki when your dad makes a big sale.”
That comment made Shirabu lift his head, narrowing his eyes as he glared down at his boyfriend. “So you’re dating me so you can mooch off my parents.”
“Shhh, Kenjirou, I’m not done.” Kawanishi reached up, pulling Shirabu’s head back down onto his chest as he continued. “I’m also dating you because you don’t make it easy.”
Shirabu closed his eyes, frowning as his cheek got squished against Kawanishi’s chest. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Kawanishi laughed at Shirabu’s indignant tone, his chest rumbling as he hugged the small boy tighter. “It’s not a bad thing. You just make me want to actually try to get your affections. It’s like a fun little game of ‘Will Kenjirou need me today or treat me like he never wants to see me again?’ Well, those days aren’t so fun, but the thing is you make me actually give a damn about someone who’s not myself. And I don’t know, Kenjirou, that’s special, in a way.”
Shirabu felt his face flush, a dark red stain of a blush flooding his cheeks as he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth.
“You’re also determined. You never give up.” Kawanishi ran his hand along the back of Shirabu’s arm, down to his wrist and back up to his shoulder. Shirabu’s skin tingled wherever Kawanishi lightly dragged his fingers and, when Shirabu shivered, Kawanishi rolled onto his side to cover Shirabu’s body with a blanket. “You’re also smart, but not in a stuck-up kind of way. Like, you can tell by talking to you about school that you work really hard to get where you are.” Kawanishi shifted until Shirabu’s head was tucked under his chin as they wrapped their arms around each other.
Shirabu’s nose wrinkled at the salty, sweaty smell of Kawanishi’s shirt, but he decided he didn’t mind much as he enjoyed the rumble of Kawanishi’s voice in his chest.
“And you’re like that in everything, not just school. Volleyball, too, and with me. I know it would be so easy for you to continue being a little shit all the time, but most of the time nowadays, you actually try to take me into consideration.” Kawanishi’s fingers were back in Shirabu’s hair, playing with the short hairs on the back of his neck. Meanwhile, on his back, Kawanishi began counting off the different things he loved about Shirabu as he tapped each of his fingers on his free hand. Starting with a tap of his pinky finger, Kawanishi listed, “You never let anything stop you. You know how to earn everyone’s respect, even when you think you don’t deserve it.” He paused to rub Shirabu’s spine with his middle finger as he rested it against his back. “You’re intimidating. You make my heart skip a beat whenever someone makes you mad, but, like, in a ‘Holy shit, that’s my boyfriend’ kind of way… You’ve got a kind heart.” Kawanishi kissed the top of his head as Shirabu tried to duck away and deny the claim. “Even if you don’t want to admit it.” Pressing his thumb against Shirabu’s back, Kawanishi finished with “you also you snore when you sleep and it’s really cute.”
Shirabu almost wished his face wasn’t pressed against Kawanishi’s chest, just so he could see how his eyes were rolling out of his head right now. “Way to ruin a moment.”
Kawanishi ignored him, using the hand that was now flat against Shirabu’s back to rub circles on his skin. Shirabu sighed and rolled his shoulders into the touch, used to Kawanishi’s off silences. Then, after a minute, Kawanishi began, “You wanna know what the best thing about you is, Kenjirou?”
“What’s that?” Shirabu pulled a face as he waited, praying that Kawanishi wasn’t about to say some off-color sexual joke to ruin the moment further.
“Me.”
Untucking his head from beneath Kawanishi’s chin, Shirabu pushed himself up onto one arm to look down at his ever-confusing boyfriend.
“The greatest thing about you is that I’m your boyfriend. We’re both, like, ten times better together than we are apart, so it just makes sense.”
Shirabu pressed his lips together, trying to mask his smile with another pout. Yet his feigned irritation was lost on Kawanishi. He had long ago learned how to see through all of Shirabu’s faces to determine what the other boy truly felt underneath.
The tall boy beneath him lifted his hand up, cupping Shirabu’s face gently in his palm as he let a small smile play on his lips. Kawanishi was never particularly expressive, so it was like a special gift that his eyes softened when he smiled up at Shirabu.
Shirabu could tell Kawanishi was about to pull him down for a kiss, so he ducked down before he felt the pressure start on the back of his head. They knocked noses as they pressed their chapped lips together in a hasty kiss that still needed practice even after months of dating. Kawanishi licked at his lips and Shirabu pulled away as he scrunched up his nose.
“So are you seriously not going to take a shower?”
Kawanishi rolled his eyes, his sweet expression slipping away as quickly as it appeared. He grabbed the pillow from beneath his head and shoved it against Shirabu’s face, knocking the smaller boy over before he stood up.
“Who’s ruining moments now?” Kawanishi stomped off to the bathroom connected to Shirabu’s dorm room, over-exaggerating his irritation to make Shirabu laugh. Shirabu giggled as he flopped back down onto his bed, covering himself with a blanket until nothing below his eyes was visible. He heard his shower turn on and he prayed Kawanishi wouldn’t use all of his shampoo again out of spite before closing his eyes with a sigh.
This next year was going to be hard. He had a big role to fill by taking Ushijima’s place as captain. It was a daunting task to get their team back in shape after losing so many valuable seniors, and it made Shirabu tired just thinking of all the hours he would have to put into practice to make sure Goshiki was growing into an ace who was just as strong as Ushijima. And that wasn’t even counting the time he would spend training a new reserve setter and whipping the new players into shape. Shirabu kind of wished he could just mold himself into his bed because being a hard plastic mattress was infinitely easier than being the captain of Shiratorizawa.
But he knew that wasn’t right. He’d never be able to do such a thing even if he really wanted. He had too many responsibilities, too many people depending on him. And people supporting him…
He had Kawanishi, which was more than he could say this time last year when he and Kawanishi had been at each other’s throat nearly every day of practice. They had grown a lot over the past year as they’d learned to work together and had learned more about each other. Maybe even learned to love each other. But Shirabu wasn’t quite ready to say those words just yet.
Still, he had Kawanishi to make things easier on him. To brighten his day and to make him smile and to make him feel worthwhile even when he convinced himself he couldn’t do it.
This next year was going to be tough. There was no way around it. But Shirabu knew he was going to survive as surely as he knew Kawanishi was going to shake his wet hair on him as soon as he returned from his shower.