Chapter Text
Johnny is not dead.
The words played in Ponyboy's mind like a broken record. He couldn't be dead, he just couldn't be! Johnny Cade, the gang's pet. and his best buddy, wasn't dead. And if he wasn't dead, then Dallas wouldn't be dead either. He couldn't protect Johnny if he let himself die.
Ponyboy stared at the plain, white, repetitive shower walls tile. The water had long gone cold, but Ponyboy couldn't feel it. He couldn't feel anything except the knots of anxiety in his stomach. It was just him, the tile, and his thoughts. Johnny Cade is not dead. He just couldn't be. And if he isn't dead, then Dallas isn't either.
Ponyboy couldn't imagine Johnnys big, black, terrified eyes as lifeless. That just wasn't Johnny. Or were they brown? Was he always that scared, or was it just when he was inches from his life? Were Johnny's eyes-
It didn't matter. He would see Johnny in the lot tonight like he always did. Then he would remember. He would see those big, brown, terrified eyes and know that everything was normal.
The water was freezing now, and Ponyboy could feel it. Each drop felt like it burned him. Almost like the church in Windrixville. The burning embers hitting his skin, the thrill he and Johnny got, the creaking of the wood falling from the roof, Johnny's scream as the church collapsed on him-
But it's okay. Johnny is better now, because Johnny Cade is not dead. He just couldn't be. And if he isn't dead, then Dallas isn't-
"Ponyboy Curtis!" A voice yelped, pulling Pony out of his trance. "Now you march out of that bathroom right now, or else I'm turning the water off!" It was Darry. Of course it was.
"I'll be out in a minute!" Ponyboy shouted. He turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist. Ever since his nightmares have been getting worse he's been spacing out more and more. The boy rubbed his hands down his face before staring in the mirror.
He looked at himself for the first time in a long time. Actually looked at himself. Has he always had such sunken eye bags? He hasn't been sleeping well ever since the whole Johnny killing a soc incident, but he didn't think it was that bad.
Man, Johnny really stuck it to that soc! He showed the whole town that greasers weren't meant to be pushed around. The socs were getting too comfortable nowadays. Good thing Johnny put them in their place. If only he could've been at the rumble; then he would've really laid the law then.
You left him there. To die all alone, in a place he hates, in a town he hates. He wouldn't have done that to you. He would've stayed with you day and night till you died. You abandoned him when he needed you most. And now he's gone.
No, you're wrong, Ponyboy told himself. I had to go fight for him. He understands. We wouldn't still be friends if he didn't. He would see those big, terrified eyes and know Johnny understood.
"Pone?" He heard Sodapop call as he knocked on the door. "You best hurry up and come out for dinner, or Darrys gonna chew you out."
-
"You need to eat, Ponyboy. the doctor said you've been gettin' too skinny." Darry gestured to the plate in front of Ponyboy.
Darry had to take Pony to the doctors office at least half a dozen times these days. Whether it was not eating or nightmares or some other problem one of the brothers noticed, Darry was quick to get him checked up.
"I don't know how you can stand not eatin', if I had to live off bologna for a week I'd eat like a stray." Soda smiled, tapping his fork.
"Not when everything tastes like bologna," Ponyboy mumbled shifting the food around on his plate. The food itself wasn't the problem, it looked rather appetizing if Pony was being honest with himself, but he just couldn't find his appetite.
Soda tilted his head as he looked at his plate. "You need to put something in your body, or else the welfare people will think you're being starved." Darry snapped up at the mention, a more serious look coming on his face.
"Just tell em I'm sick, it's not a lie." Ponyboy shrugged, stabbing a specific piece of meat he decided he hated. why couldn't they just drop it?
"You better finish that plate, mister, or else you ain't goin' to the movies for the rest of the week." Darry pointed, venom poorly hidden in his tone.
Ponyboy furrowed his eyebrows, giving him an incredulous look. "I said I ain't hungry!" He matched Darrys tone.
Darry stood, looking down on Ponyboy. "I don't care how hungry you are, you're gonna eat! Glory, its almost like you want to be put in a boys' home." The older man shook his head. "Do you know how many kids wish were in your position, Pony? Do you know how much Johnny wished to be in your position?"
"Shut up!" Ponyboy snapped, standing up as well. "I'm gettin' real tired of all this Johnny talk, alright!? You talk about him like he's some- some charity case! Well he ain't!"
Soda's face dropped. but neither brother noticed; both too preoccupied in their own emotions. Darry pointed a finger at Ponyoby, clenching his jaw.
"Dont you put words in my mouth!" You know we all loved Johnny! You act like you're better than the rest of us just because you two were close; well me tell you something, buddy. You're just like the rest of us!"
Ponyboy blinked tears out of his eyes angrily as he shook his head. "Oh, im the entitled one now, ain't I? Thats real bold coming from you!" The younger scowled. "Yer the one always just- just hollaring about how sick and tired you are of us. If you're so sick of me, then I'll go live somewhere else!" Ponyboy slammed his hands on the table.
"Oh, yeah? And where would you go. huh? You wanna end up like those hoods in Shepards gang? Then go ahead! You have a whole future ahead of you, Pony. And if you wanna throw it away because you're too dang stubborn to listen, then go right ahead!" Darry yelped.
Half of Ponyboy told him that his brother didn't mean a word he said. He has thrown away his future so Pony could have what he couldn't. He always wanted the best for his little brother, no matter what.
The other half of Ponyboy told him Darry couldn't stand him.
"Maybe I will! At least they'd get off my back for once! Then you and Soda could be happily ever after, ain't that right?" A loud slam hit the table, catching both brothers attention.
There stood Soda, teary eyed and furrowed eyebrows. He gripped the table cloth so tight his knuckles were almost white. "You guys said you'd stop fighting all the time!" He shouted. "You guys said so! But it's all the same, almost everyday with you two!" Soda grit his teeth.
Darry stammered out a sentence, but ultimately dropped his hands in defeat. Ponyboy looked down in defeat. He didn't like arguing under any means, but they just didn't get it. Darry probably thought the same about him, and Soda too. He really couldn't bring himself to care.
He couldn't bring himself to care about anything since Dally. He just felt so desensitized to everyone around him. It made him feel horrible. He couldn't even feel bad for Bobs buddies when he passed by the funeral. Not one bit.
.
..
...
When did he get to the lot?
Wasn't he just arguing with Soda and Darry?
Wheres Johnny?
Ponyboy stared up at the sky, looking up at the vast emptiness. The stars didn't seem to shine as bright anymore.
Hm.