Work Text:
Slow Down
Waddle__Waddle
Barry bursts out of a dead sleep to answer the phone before the first ring can even sound.
"Hello" he asks, voice alert and a wave of panic washing over him. Cisco's never called at this time before. Eyes drifting over to his bedside alarm displaying 02:00. He'd only call this late if it was an emergency. Another victim of the Star Labs explosion perhaps.
"Barry, I need your help". Cisco's voice didn't sound urgent but certainly anxious and desperate.
"What's the matter Cisco? Got a lead on another meta-human?"
"I'm working on it, there's been a series of robberies in the financial district that have a bit of an extra-ordinary vibe to them but that's not what this is about. It's Caitlin." He took a pause weighing up whether or not it was his place to tell Barry this story but ultimately deciding that his worry trumped his hesitation.
"Not long after Ronnie died a friend of mine called me to pick her up from a bar. She'd been in every night for two weeks and was in a bad way. I took her home and we talked and now every night since then Caitlin always texts me when she gets home so I know she's safe but she hasn't texted me tonight and she's not at her apartment. I know this is silly and I'm sure she's probably fine but.."
Barry interrupted him before he could go on further.
"Say no more, I'm on it. I'll have the whole city checked in an hour. I'll give you a call when I find her".
With everything the group had been doing with regards to the meta-humans it wasn't a stretch to imagine that Caitlin could become a target for one of them. This could be even worse than Cisco thinks.
The city streaks by in a blur as Barry begins his search starting in Caitlin's neighbourhood. Street lights hazy as he races around in a search grid pattern, finally coming to a stop at Marcie's. Marcie's was packed with people practically spilling out the door like a badly poured beer. Not somewhere someone would usually go to get lost. Usually. Caitlin's smart though, understands that drinking alone makes you vulnerable and hiding in some hole in the wall place wouldn't conceal her for long. It's not the bar that needs to be hard to find. It's her. Barry walks into Marcie's, bumping off patrons like a pinball and settling on a wobbly bar stool with a red plaid cover. Before the bartender even had a chance to come over, a small vial with a clear liquid slid across the wood top right into Barry's outstretched palm. Barry twisted the lid off the vile and slammed back the liquid. The warmth that followed down his neck and into his stomach was that of a supernova. He still hadn't gotten used to that taste or the overwhelming buzz that immediately followed suit. Barry looked over at the woman with the way auburn hair he'd grown to know so well.
"New and improved?" he asked with a light lilt to his voice.
"I'm never one to settle for mediocrity, how's it doing?"
"Given that I'm about to fall off my stool I think it's fair to say you've nailed it. I never doubted you".
Caitlin offered a small wry smile slamming her own drink before responding.
"Am I supposed to believe this is a coincidence, you coming to a bar on the other side of town on a whim?"
"A guy can't get a drink without there being some ulterior motive?" Barry replied, teasing her slightly.
"Guys yes, you.. no" she chuckled halfheartedly before beckoning the barkeeper over. A diminutive woman, one eyebrow pierced, the other with a small slit in it. Tattooed arms and a bulldog's mien. She barely glanced at Caitlin as she poured another glass of sherry and put it down in front of her. Barry carried on where he left off.
"Cisco called, he's worried". A look of recognition made its way onto Caitlin as she quickly whipped out her phone, grimacing at a laundry list of missed calls and unopened text messages.
"Urgh! I knew there was something I was forgetting. Damn it!"
"What do you mean? Why would you text Cisco anything if you're not home yet?" Barry probed.
"Sometimes I text Cisco that I'm home safe even if I'm still out. I don't want him up all night worrying about me. Ever since the accident he's become really protective of me. I think it's because of his role... in what happened" A mix of emotion and the cumulative effects of alcohol made it difficult for Barry to hear that last part. Not to mention the ruckus the rest of the patrons were making. Feeling the need to pull Caitlin away before things got worse Barry gave the bartender an encouraging, pleading look. She gave him a nod and leaned over to Caitlin.
"Listen hon, we're closing up in a minute and you've had more than enough anyway. Get yourself out of here" Caitlin slumped against the bar pouting. She whined out.
"Cmon, I don't wanna go home" It'd have been cute if it wasn't so upsetting. Regardless, Caitlin picked up her purse and started to make her way to the door. Barry made to follow her before pausing briefly.
"What does she owe?" he quizzed the bartender.
"Tonight? or her tab for the month?"
"Tab".
"$300 give or take".
Barry gave the woman his card to pay the bill and made it outside just in time to see Caitlin round the corner at the end of the block. He quickly ran over and grabbed her arm as she stumbled against the wall of a florist. He could hear the beginnings of a coughing fit and dragged her into a nearby alley. Holding her hair while she brought up tonight's drinks. This didn't seem right. Caitlin had seemed drunk when he arrived sure but not black out drunk and now she seemed completely out of it. Someone must've slipped something into her just before he arrived. He scooped Caitlin into his arms bridal style and had her back at her apartment in moments. By which time she was completely knocked out. Barry walked her through her apartment and into her bedroom. She had vomit on her clothes and even in her hair despite his best efforts. Barry felt awkward about taking care of her in this state but dismissed it. She needed his help and awkward or not it was his duty to help her. Just like she had to do for him when he was in his coma he was willing to bet. He sat her on the bed and removed her jacket, throwing it into a washing basket in the corner of the room, followed swiftly by her shirt. Her jeans were next, leaving his friend in a state of undress and while ordinarily such a thing may have unnerved him slightly Barry felt now like he did when he was in the suit. Focused. He had a job to do and his determination to do it was all that was on his mind. He had her lean on his shoulder, arm around his midriff, as he guided her into the en suite bathroom sitting her on the closed lid of the toilet seat. Barry turned on the shower and while waiting for the water to warm up pulled out his phone to text Cisco.
"Found Caitlin, got her back to her apartment. Go to bed and I'll call you in the morning".
He left it at that and turned off his phone. He didn't feel like Cisco needed to know all of the gory details of tonight and he wanted to focus on getting Caitlin sorted out anyway. He opened her wardrobe looking for night clothes and found that half of the closet was still filled with Ronnie's clothes. He pulled out an oversized shirt and long bottoms from the closet and laid them out on the bed before returning to the bathroom, taking stock of things he hadn't initially noticed. Like two toothbrushes by the sink, a can of men's deodorant and beard oil in the cabinet above the toilet. By now the water was steaming, so he took Caitlin's place on the toilet and put her on her knees on the bathmat head bowed over the rim of the bath. Barry sat shower head in hand and rinsed out the puke and bile from her locks running his hands through her hair to thoroughly clean it even if that meant having to hold back gags of his own at various points. The smell was rancid and each chunk he eliminated had him retching but he soldiered on. He could hear her muttering beneath him as he grabbed a shampoo bottle off the small table beside the towel rack. Carefully applying first the shampoo and the conditioner, by the time he'd finished Caitlin was starting to come around. Not needing quite so much help to get back to her bed this time. They sat together in silence as Barry dried her hair with a towel. Shame seemed to almost pour from every pore of Caitlin's body, clearly embarrassed at being found by Barry in such a state. He grabbed the clothes he'd laid out earlier and gave her a questioning look. She took them from him and eyes still on the floor whispered just loud enough for him to hear.
"I'll be fine. I can do this part."
Barry nodded and left the room keeping his ear on the door to listen for any falls. He knew whatever she had in her system hadn't gone completely. The sound of her steps let him know she was at least conscious in there. The toilet flushed and then shortly after she let him back in the room. He watched as Caitlin trudged over to her bed in pajama pants and one of Ronnie's T-shirts and flop face down into floral print sheets. Barry took his position, sitting at the foot of the bed, watching her wiggle around her bed trying to find somewhere comfortable. It was clearer now to Barry than it had ever been that he was watching someone in the throes of grief. At work she seemed remarkably well put together even with the occasional emotional moments she shared with him and the team. He couldn't even begin to imagine what her life must be like. Getting up everyday and going to work and being surrounded by reminders of the one you love most. The place where your love first bloomed but also where it wilted in a tragic accident that claimed almost everything she cared about. Her burgeoning career and what should've been her husband. The fact that she worked on the project no doubt ate away at her. Her maths, her calculations. What went wrong? Was there anything she could've done?
Was it her fault?
Of course it wasn't but it's hard to know that when you're on the inside looking out as opposed to Barry's privileged position of outside looking in. Barry had to hold his tongue for fear of unleashing a heap of inappropriate questions. Did she hold any animosity for Dr Wells? The project leader. It was his call to activate the particle accelerator and when he did it robbed her of everything. She’d trusted him and look what happened. She couldn't really even leave star labs. No reputable company was touching any Star Labs personnel with a barge pole. Those who had survived or hadn't been maimed that is. Not to mention that all of what remained of her former life was there. Granted a lot of it wasn't the same anymore, just broken bits and pieces but at least they were familiar bits and pieces. Pieces she recognised. Pieces she knew. She was able to jump between bubbles of nostalgia throughout the day and that was enough to placate her. Was there another reason she remained at Star Labs with Dr Wells and Cisco? The mission of cleaning up her mess, of helping rehabilitate the people that had been irrevocably changed by the aftermath of the explosion. People like him. Was he a key to her being able to move on from that day? The idea that despite everything that had happened she could still use her skills to help people and do some of the good she'd always wanted to do. If that was the case that put a lot of pressure on him to be the best version of himself. Barry looks around the room at all of the things of Ronnie that still inhabit her bedroom. His clothes, toothbrush, even a bottle of aftershave on the bedside table. Coming home from work and the strain it puts on her just be enveloped by the same feelings at home with no work to distract her. No friends to help keep her spirits up. Is it any wonder she chose not to come here? Going to the bar instead, not even to wash away the pain or sorrow, but just to numb herself for the gruelling journey home and an apartment full of silence and lingering ghosts. Barry doesn't think he'd want to go home either if this was what was waiting for him. It helped put into perspective for Barry that he didn't have real problems, at least not compared to this. His unrequited love for Iris was a drop in the ocean for the things Caitlin felt and experienced every single day. He doesn't know where or how she even finds the strength to function. In a world full of meta-humans, she may be the strongest person he knew. He had a whole new respect for her. He came out of his stupor and found Caitlin under the covers looking sheepish at him. With the voice to match she said.
"Tell Cisco I'm sorry. I didn't want to worry him. Please don't tell him I lie to him about being home. I don't like doing it, it's just that he.. he..."
"He wouldn't understand, don't worry I won't say anything. I get it."
"Thanks Barry" she took a moment to look him up and down and had to stifle a little laugh. "By the way, you have something on your shoe".
Barry looked down and saw a yellow splotch on his shoe. He could barely contain his own laugh and before long they both let it go. Laughing and finally feeling the tension of the night's events lift from their shoulders. Barry zoomed into the bathroom and back in less than a second.
"What something?" he said, lifting his foot to show a newly clean shoe. Now that she was awake and somewhat coherent he wanted to rip in to her about how stupid she was tonight. About what might've happened if Cisco hadn't called him. If he hadn't found her in time but she started before he could.
"Not tonight Barry. Please? Tomorrow at work? I'll carve out sometime for you to reprimand me."
"Ok, I guess it can wait til tomorrow. Are you going to be ok here?"
"I'll be fine, I promise" Barry must not have looked convinced because she continued on "Trust me, it's already 05:00. I'll see you at work in three hours." That seemed to satisfy Barry who nodded and stood up.
"Ok, I'll see you in the morning then" and with that Barry walked out of her room closing the door behind him. It was only when she heard the front door close that she let the tears that had been welling up go. Crying into her sleeve, the full ramifications of her actions tonight finally came crashing down on her. It was hopeless. She was never going to be able to be happy and live a good life again. She dried her eyes, spritzed some aftershave on Ronnie's pillow and a short while later, drifted off to sleep.
Her alarm sounded five minutes later. Ok sure, it was actually an hour later but for an exhausted sick woman with a pounding headache what's the difference. She slammed an arm on the off button and shuffled into the living room wrapped in bed sheets like a mummy. She needed to take some pain meds, shower, make breakfast, get ready and go to work. Again. She'd only just put the kettle on when she heard a weary voice from her couch.
"it's too early Caitlin, go back to bed"
Her head snapped round to see Barry crashed out on her couch. Cushion under his head as a makeshift pillow and vibrating his body to keep himself warm.
"What are you still doing here? I told I'd be fine. Look at you, you must be freezing."
"I know what you said but I needed to be sure, just in case. Also we've got the day off".
"You didn't tell Dr. Wells about last night though, right?"
"No, I just told him the team is overworked and we're taking the day off".
"What did he say?"
"I don't know, I hung up before he answered. I wasn't asking".
Caitlin felt a warmth in her chest at that.
"Thank you Barry but you really didn't need to do that.
"And you don't need to do that".
"Do what?"
"Pretend everything is ok for us. Ever since I woke up out of that coma you've been taking care of me. Now I see that we need to take care of each other."
"Thank you Barry. Stay there I'll make you tea".
"No, go back to bed. I'll make the tea". Normally Caitlin would resist such an offer. She was so used to doing everything herself, that was the norm for her now but looking down at Barry's earnest face she felt that resistance melt.
"Actually, that sounds kinda nice. In fact, you can make me breakfast too. Waffles in the fridge" she laughed plodding over to Barry, planting a quick kiss on his cheek and headed back to bed with an excited grin. Barry had never seen her grin like that before but he knew from now on. He'd do what it takes to see it again.