Work Text:
“A week?” Marty exclaims, surprised by the sudden question from Ivan. He’s been under the older’s department for almost two years now and this is the first time that he’s asking for these many days off.
“I have somewhere I need to go to.” Ivan explains, sighing.
The moment he heard the voice mail from Till telling him that their old cat is sick and was confined, warning him that the cat might only have a few more weeks to live, Ivan immediately went looking for Marty to ask for his permission. Using up his paid vacation in a straight row was not part of his year plan, especially when it’s just the second month, but Ivan doesn’t really bother much to think about it.
It sounds idiotic, to be this stressed over a cat you haven’t seen in almost two years but Ivan had grown fond of Freddie, especially since Ivan was with Till when the latter adopted her, and the kitten had always been deemed as their shared child, Ivan would even stalk his facebook page to look at photos of the cat, and if he happens to also like one of just Till - he rules it out as a misclick.
“Is it an emergency?”
“Yes.” Is all that Ivan says. He knows Marty, and the latter would probably understand where he’s coming from especially since he himself has a pet of his own - he knows the feeling of attachment to those small friends. But he doesn’t want Marty finding out just who he plans on going to, the person whose name is written on the said cat’s collar, and the very same person that Ivan has been trying hard not to think about these past two years.
“I hope it gets better.” Marty smiles softly at him as he pats him in the back and signs his slip.
Ivan wants to ask if it ever does.
｡｡｡
“Till please stop fidgeting on the seat, I can’t focus on driving.”
“But we’re finally getting her!” Till happily exclaims, making Ivan smile as well. He had been over the moon when they finally moved into an apartment that allowed pets, and immediately went to the nearest shelter to adopt one.
Till had set his eyes on the small gray kitten from the moment he saw her, and Ivan was just as much captivated, and so the two hurriedly finished the paperwork needed to adopt the cat, and today was the day where they get to take her home - much to Till’s enthusiasm.
Ivan eyes his boyfriend, smiling to himself while he hums along to the song blasting from the car speakers, one that Ivan picked.
He chuckles when he they meet eyes through the car’s side mirror, and Ivan’s heart soars when Till flashes him a wide grin.
｡｡｡
“I’m inlove with you.” Till says as he picks up the cat from the caretaker, cooing at the little thing and eyes sparkling as he takes in the sight of his new companion.
Ivan pouts, he could already foresee Till showering the kitten with too much affection, probably even forgetting about the existence of another someone that needs his attention.
“What about me?”
“Oh you big baby, you know I love you too.” Till rolls his eyes at Ivan’s antics, a light tease in his voice as he continues to fret over the kitten.
“Your name will be Freddie.”
Ivan smiles to himself at the mention of the name. It was something both him and Till took ages to decide on, they wanted one that held meaning to it and still sounded cute and very cat-like.
Freddie was the name of a character from one of Till’s favourite books, Ivan had also knew of the plot of the said book because of Till’s storytelling, and so he agrees with the name Freddie, deeming it fit for their cat.
“I’m Till, your better dad.” The chuckle that comes after makes it hard for Ivan to even get mad at the sentence.
“You see that guy over there? The cute one with the dimples that’s currently taking all your stuff, that’s the other dad.”
“Other dad?” Ivan scoffs as he holds Till’s waist to walk them both to the car, with the cat still in his boyfriend’s arms.
“Technically I’m her rightful parent and you’re just a package deal that comes with me.” Till teases even more, eyes crinkling at Ivan with mischief.
“A package deal, huh.”
“Yup, it’s buy one take one for us. Make it buy one get two now.” Till laughs, one that has him almost stumbling at the parking lot if it weren’t for Ivan’s hold on him, and the cat herself seems to not get in on the joke as she eyes Till curiously.
“Careful.” Ivan tells him but he’s smiling as well.
｡｡｡
Ivan paces frantically as he waits for the call to be picked up, he may have gotten ahead of himself for taking a whole week off without even informing Till of his plans, for all he knows the latter only meant for Ivan to make a short visit.
He should have probably asked Till if he was okay with him staying.
“Hello?”
Ivan’s actions come to a halt at the voice, it was a sound he hadn’t heard in a long time but remembers the distinctness of it.
It feels weird, with a huge sense of nostalgia, hearing his voice over the phone after two years of not talking, not reaching out to one another minus the occasional liking of each other’s facebook and instagram posts.
He’s not used to it like this, despite the long period apart, where Till’s voice is only something he could hear through the speakers of his phone and not a quiet melody that whispers him a good morning at exactly 8 am on every day - except for the weekends when it’s his day off and Till decides to sleep longer, burying himself in his chest and muttering out incomprehensible phrases of ‘five minutes more’ ‘let me sleep longer’ when Ivan tries to wake him up for breakfast.
“Ivannie?”
The nickname slips casually from his lips, and it makes Ivan less frantic. This was his Till, and is still someone that he knew till the depths of his whole being, and Till had always been kind to Ivan, and has never deprived him of anything that he asks for.
“Hi.” It comes off as nervous, his uneven breathing could probably be heard from the other side of the line. “I got your voicecall, and I already took time off work, but I don’t want to impose much… I’m free the whole week but I’ll only stay until yo-“
“You’re always welcome here, Ivan.” The person at the other side of the call chuckles, and it goes straight to Ivan’s head, echoing itself through.
“Then I’ll see you.” He answers, cursing himself in his mind for how awkward it sounds, but Ivan had always been bad at these things, with Till being the one that always knows all the right words to say. He sighs, lost count at how often he has.
“Do you still know the way here?”
The question catches him off guard, a concept he hasn’t thought about. Ivan and Till used to share an apartment together, with both their names signed on the lease, and it had been a home he was coming back to for the three years that they’ve been living under the same roof.
When Ivan moved elsewhere for a new job, Till resigned the lease all by himself, and the last time that he had even been by the apartment was when he picked up the last remains of his stuff.
Ivan knows it’s a five hour drive, and that there’s an abandoned church that he passes by on the route, that sometimes it’s heavy with traffic and often does it feel empty with no cars running through it. He knows when to go left or go right, what u-turn to take, and still vividly recalls which stop lights have police cars checkpointing out random cars.
“I do.” He answers confidently.
“Let me know when you’re leaving.” Till says softly, so much sincerity in the way his voice goes low at the sentence, and there’s a long pause with heaving breathing that comes after - as though contemplating to say the next words.
“I’ll wait for you.”
｡｡｡
“I think she’s fat” Ivan speaks up as he eyes the cat seated on their couch, he can see the way her belly fat peeks from her fur and the chubbiness of the cat’s round face.
It was an action that Till finds hard to not do - overfeeding his cat.
The moment the felines even slightly meows or looks in his direction, his boyfriend would automatically reach out and give her some treats or share his food with the kitten, already memorizing the do’s and don'ts of what to feed a cat.
“That’s not a nice thing to say.” Till pouts and Ivan already knows that it’s futile to try and even argue, so he guesses as long as the cat isn’t obese then maybe he’ll let his boyfriend continue spoiling her.
“She’s just fluffy.”
Ivan could always make the cat run around the house using a toy laser that he got as a gag present from one of his friends.
“You should apologize to her.”
“I’m sorry, Freddie.” Ivan caves in.
He watches the way Till smiles at his words, and he guesses he’ll just have to secretly take away from her cat food bowl when he’s boyfriend isn’t looking.
｡｡｡
Ivan stands in front of his (their) old house, looking like a fool staring at the doorknob, contemplating whether or not to open it.
He still has a key, in which Till had recently informed him that he never changed locks, and how he knew Ivan still kept his copy is something he already knew the answer to.
There’s a lot of things that are hard to forget, especially when they’ve been engraved into your every day .
They say that a person is built from their daily routines, and it’s what makes them who they are. Ivan finds this concept intriguing, how a person is merely a collection of all the little things they do throughout their day.
It starts off as a one time occurrence, before you find yourself doing it again the following day which then leads to your brain automatically alarming you of the next instance in which you’re supposed to do it again. It takes time and patience to fully engrave a simple habit into you, and once fully adapted - it’s even harder to get rid off.
Ivan knocks exactly three times on the door before using a key to open it, because this is how Till likes it, because he might not hear the first or second knock but he’s bound to hear the third. It gives him enough time as Ivan tries to put the key into the door, to go downstairs and greet him.
And Ivan would be met with a sight of his boyfriend still clad in his bunny printed pajamas and one of Ivan’s oversized white shirts with a gummy smile attached to his face and a cat that follows after him, peeking from Till’s legs to greet Ivan as well.
He pushes the door open softly, making sure it doesn’t create too much noise. He glances around the house with a hand still on the opened door and takes in the sight.
Everything looks pretty much the same, save for small trinkets that Ivan is sure wasn’t there before, courtesy of Till’s love of taking souvenirs home. He enjoys bringing little things back from every trip they made, may it even be a weirdly shaped plate he got from a quick random grocery trip that doesn’t even last 30 minutes, he keeps them as some sort of remembrance. Till likes to say that it helps him remember the different moments in his life, a trinket for each one he lived.
He could spot a few things that are familiar, like the alien paper weight Till had bought from their beach trip, a small painting of a house that came from a street seller two towns away.
Ivan wonders how Till forgets, when he’s surrounded by things that are supposed to make him not to.
“Ivan!” A figure comes running down the stairs.
It’s very interesting how the human mind works, a simple trigger can easily break away the very thing you’ve struggled to build, what could have taken years comes crashing down in less than a second. The mind works wonders, but deep down it’s just pathetic.
“Hi.” He breathes out, and Till smiles at him endearingly, laughing at his awkwardness.
“Hi.” He answers back, copying Ivan’s words with a grin. “It’s been a while.”
“Yeah.” But it doesn’t really matter, Ivan wants to say. It doesn’t matter how long time has passed because his stupid brain will still find a way to remember every little thing of Till. He finds it ironic, how he sometimes forgets to turn on the washing machine but still remembers exactly how Till makes his coffee in the morning. His consciousness picks and chooses what to bear in mind, and how cruel of it to always pick him.
There’s a soft meow that comes from upstairs, alerting them both of the reason they’re here in the first place, why Ivan is here in the first place.
Till lets out a small giggle. “I guess she noticed your presence.”
｡｡｡
Ivan opens the door to Till’s bedroom, the latter was in the kitchen preparing supper and had told him to go on to where Freddie was.
He stops himself from taking in the sight of what used to be his room, and instead focuses on the figure laying on top of the bed and swishing its tail.
“Hi, buddy.” Ivan smiles at her, he leans a hand close to her head but never touches her, scared that the cat might not like it or might not recognise him.
He patiently hovers his hand as Freddie stares at him for a few seconds as though she’s contemplating on who Ivan is. When she’s finally done, she raises her head a little bit higher and so it touches the palm of his hand, and Ivan immediately picks her up in his arms at gesture.
“Missed me?” He asks.
The cat purrs in his hold and rubs itself onto Ivan’s shirt, leaving strands of fur onto his pain black top, he’ll just have to ask Till for his lint roller later.
The cat meows at him and it makes Ivan smile. It’s not only the human mind who remembers a lot of things.
｡｡｡
Till hands him a glass of water, with exactly three ice cubes in it, and motions for Ivan to take more of the food he cooked.
“I forgot to tell you.” The sentence makes him stop chewing, looking at Till in curiosity. “I turned the spare bedroom into a makeshift office.”
“Oh.” Ivan says. “I can just sleep on the sofa instead.”
Ivan doesn’t really mind, he’s already over welcoming his stay by crashing at Till’s place for a whole week, and so he doesn’t want to burden him further with anything.
“Nonsense, we can share the bed.” Till eyes him for a brief moment, and Ivan patiently waits for the next words, anticipating the way his mouth opens just to close it again as he contemplates whether or not to speak. “It’s not like we’re strangers.”
It’s a lot more complicated than that.
｡｡｡
Memories are something that are never completely forgotten, even a one second moment could be etched into someone’s consciousness for a long time, and what used to be constant happenings are even harder to forget.
Ivan and Till used to share a two bedroom apartment, but they never really used the other room and would instead squeeze both their bodies into Till’s queen size bed - because the older likes to say his room is more sanitary despite Ivan not being that much of a slob in the first place.
He had grown used to waking up next to Till, the older nuzzled into the crook of Ivan’s neck with an arm slung around his waist, while Ivan’s outstretched arm is being used as the older’s pillow and his other is wrapped tightly around his waist, and Freddie is sleeping peacefully on Till’s side of the bed.
It’s peaceful with Till’s light snoring that he refuses to admit being the only thing he hears, and the sunlight coming from the uncurtained side of the window frames Till’s face so perfectly that Ivan can’t help but stare at his sleeping face. It’s nothing special but at the same time it is.
The sight is etched at the back of his mind, where he tries to desperately forget the warmth of mornings like this.
Ivan wakes up today to the same sight he had always woken up to two years ago and it forms a lump in his throat as he tries to take in the feeling of Till’s breath against his neck and the tight hold the older has on his torso.
They had not fallen asleep like this, Ivan was sure there was at least a pillow between them.
He takes the situation to his advantage and stares quietly at Till’s sleeping face, the latter hasn’t changed much from when Ivan last saw him. His cheeks seem to have gotten fuller and his hair is longer than his usual haircut but Till remains to look the same as he did two years ago.
Till stirs in his sleep, alerting both Ivan and Freddie. What baffles Ivan is how the older doesn’t seemed fazed by their proximity, like he hasn’t gone a day without Ivan’s warmth.
He smiles softly when he notices Ivan’s eyes on him, and it aches.
“Good Morning, Ivannie.”
｡｡｡
It’s an unspoken rule that Till does the cooking in the apartment, mainly because he actually enjoys being in the kitchen and he hates it when there’s someone else taking up his space, and so it’s also a given that Ivan patiently sits by the kitchen counter to wait for him.
He watches as Till cracks an egg onto the pan, seasoning it with salt and pepper before adding in garlic powder, he covers it with a pan for a few seconds before he takes the fried egg away to plate it.
Ivan smiles when Till places the plate of freshly cooked breakfast.
“Do you want some bacon?” Ivan asks Freddie when he feels the cat scratch at his leg, dangling the piece of bacon infront of her.
“Ivan, I don’t think that’s healthy for her.” Till warns him.
“Let her have it.” Ivan reassures him. “Everyone deserves bacon once in a while.”
They eat in silence after, with the occasional small talk coming up every few minutes, but breakfast had always been a relatively quiet fair for the both of them.
Ivan doesn’t find the silence suffocating.
“I’ll wash the dishes.” Ivan automatically says when both of them finish their food, because it’s another unspoken agreement that whoever makes the food does not have to clean up, and since Till is the chef between them, Ivan is always tasked with the aftermath.
｡｡｡
Ivan goes out for a grocery run after lunch, wanting to stock up on food especially since Till only has groceries for a single person.
He comes back to the apartment only to bump into a familiar person.
Ivan knows Mrs. Io, she had been his and Till’s neighbor ever since they moved in and she makes the best red velvet cookies.
“Ivan!” She exclaims happily when she notices him. “I haven’t seen you in a while!”
Ivan smiles softly at the greeting.
“I was worried you and Till are no longer together.” She continues, and Ivan stares long and hard because he doesn’t exactly know what to say. Because he has to go back in a few days and Till would be left with the aftermath of all the bullshit he’ll come up with to the old lady, and so he guesses smiling politely is the best way out.
“But that doesn’t seem like the case.” She smiles sincerely at Ivan.
And nothing could ever prepare him for the next words.
“Till still talks so fondly of you, that lovesick kid. How come you never visit him? He looks like he always misses someone. I don’t know how young people could ever cope with distance.”
｡｡｡
“Do you want to light up a candle?” Till asks him randomly one day. “I have some in the living room drawer, I know you like candles.”
Ivan follows suit, going to where Till mentions because he likes the smell of a burning candle, enjoys having them in the house because it calms him down, and he is particularly interested in the vanilla scented ones.
He opens up the drawer to see just that, a stock of vanilla scented candles compiled into the small space, and it happens to be the brand that Ivan likes the most.
He doesn’t question it, and instead lights one up and lives it in the living room to burn.
｡｡｡
“Come on buddy, the vet says you need to exercise.” Ivan says as he fastens the collar on Freddie, he and Till plan to take the cat on a short walk to the park today.
During yesterday’s visit to the veterinary clinic, they had seen signs of the cat’s recovery, which honestly seemed like a miracle at this stage, and Till keeps joking around that it’s because Ivan is here.
“Were you faking your sickness this entire time?” He chuckles at the cat. “Or do you like me that much?”
“Ivan!” Till calls from the living room. “Are you two ready?”
“Coming!” Ivan answers quickly, picking up Freddie to go downstairs where Till is waiting for the both of them.
Till locks the door when they’re finally all out of the house, and places the key in his pocket as he ushers Ivan to walk.
The weather today is cloudy and there’s no harsh sunlight blocking their eyes, and there happens to be a soft breeze flowing through town that makes it even more the perfect season to take your housecat out for a walk.
If this were two years ago, Ivan would have one hand holding onto Freddie’s leash as the cat walks in front of him, the other hand would be holding onto Till’s, he would make sure to place himself near the curb, and Ivan wouldn’t have to stare at Till’s swinging hand with such longing.
Time is a hard concept to grasp.
The more disordered a system becomes, the harder it is to return back to an ordered state. Ivan considers the time from two years ago as his equilibrium, the point in his life in which he feels most at ease, and the past he is straying farther away from.
Why is time linear? Why does it only go forward? What kind of cruel entity would decide that humans could never go back to experience a particular moment again. That Ivan will be met with the happiest point is his life only to never be able to experience again because of the one way flow of time.
How does one even know that a moment is never going to happen again? When do you begin to appreciate the time you have?
Time moves in a straight and linear path, only going into one direction, and no one can figure out just what awaits them in this line of life. Because Ivan was sure that he was never going to see Till again, much less take a walk with him, but the universe moves in magical ways and his mesley existence was given a chance to experience an almost identical set of time from the past.
“The swing set is still here.” Ivan points out the moment they reach the park. Time is cruel, it takes you away from that moment and at the same instance makes you relive it as many times as you encounter even just the smallest likeliness.
“Let’s take a rest first.” Till speaks. “She seems tired.”
Ivan follows them to the swingset, feeling like a kid following around his friend so that they can swing together while kicking the rocks below their feet as they converse about random topics only the mind of a seven year old could think of.
But Ivan is 26, far from a kid, and has only one thing on his mind.
“Do you regret breaking up?”
The question comes as a surprise, both to him and Till, but the two of them seemed to have foreshadowed this conversation, because as quickly as the shock that envelops Till face is just as quickly as he answers.
“I don’t.”
A meow startles both of them, Freddie begging for both their attention , and Ivan’s heart flips at the laughter that bubbles from Till’s chest, ignoring the sound of his own heart shattering for yet another instance - for yet the same person who owns it.
“I think she wants to go home.” Till announces, picking up Freddie from where she’s laying on the grass. “Ivan, let’s go home.”
The last spoken word haunts his mind.
｡｡｡
Ivan remembers a time in his life where he was forced to wear a black suit, watch as their relatives look down on both him and his mother, and hold back his tears as he witnessed them bury the man that raised him.
His father had gotten terminally ill when Ivan was just a child and what used to be the same man who would play with him in their yard is reduced to a pitiful person forced to lay down on bed all day while his mother brings him food and medicine.
His parents loved each other, it wasn’t a secret to anyone and Ivan grew up in a home full of affection.
And so he wonders how his mother learned to live without the man she loved the most, how do you go from having them every day to never at all. When does the longing end? How does it end? Does it ever end?
“Ma.” He says the moment she picks up the phone, he hasn’t visited her in a while, hasn’t talked to her much and he’s pretty sure his mother still thinks that him and Till are together.
It’s an overdue question, a topic they never dwelled on since the day of the funeral.
“How did you deal with dad’s death?”
There was a pause at the end of the line, and Ivan fears he had asked something too personal, had not thought about the question beforehand, but it haunts him sometimes, how his mother looked perfectly fine smiling at their relatives, bowing to the visitors, and how a single tear didn’t fall from her face as she watches the love of her life be buried seven feet under.
“I didn’t.” She answers softly.
It’s the first time he hears his mother’s voice broken like that, like she’s trying to act tough and put together for her son, and Ivan feels like an idiot for not noticing.
“I don’t know how.” She chuckles with a hint of sadness. “I loved your dad too much. When he left us, I just had to make myself wake up every morning. My grief isn’t something that could go ever away. It can be fixed, or dealt with, it doesn’t disappear at all - I just carry it.”
Ivan goes quiet after that, not knowing what to say. His mom seemed to have picked up on that, because as much as they haven’t seen each other in a long while, she knows the boy she raised.
“But one thing for sure, if I could choose not to carry it. If by some miracle your dad is still by my side and I wouldn’t have to wake up to a cold bed everyday, I’d choose that without hesitation. I miss him.”
“I miss him too, ma.” Ivan answers quietly, earning laughter from his mother.
“Of course you do, he’d haunt you if you don’t.” His mothers answers.
“Thanks for answering, and I’m sorry for bringing it up.”
“It’s okay, Ivan.” She reassures him with sincerity. “Take care of yourself, and remember to always call.”
“I will.”
｡｡｡
Ivan tosses and turns, not knowing how to fall asleep. The conversation with his mother is haunting his mind.
He guesses why he chooses to carry his, when his mother wholeheartedly declared she would choose her husband, her happiness always, while his own son remains a coward who bottles things up.
“Ivan, can’t sleep?” Till speaks from beside him, a pillow lying between them to keep them apart.
He doesn’t know how he says the word, maybe it’s the exhaustion creeping into his skin.
“No.” Ivan answers. “Can I hold you?”
He watches as Till removes the pillow between them, anticipating the next words from the older, because Ivan needs to hear it from him, is it okay, is this okay.
Till is lying sideways, faced towards Ivan as he stares at the younger, awaiting his next move, and he sighs when Ivan doesn’t seem to budge. He reaches a hand to tug at the other’s shirt.
“Come here.”
Tomorrow, Ivan will wake up next to warmth.
｡｡｡
“Maybe it tastes bad.” Ivan laughs as Till struggles to get their cat to drink the medicine infused water.
The older has been ranting to him on how Freddie seems to dislike the taste of medicine, refusing to drink the water everytime Till tries to give it to him, and so he resorts to using a syringe to force the cat.
“She’s supposed to finish this, she isn’t supposed to be picky with her medicine!” Till says exasperated, there are already a bunch of scratches on his arm from the cat, and Ivan has been no help at all.
“You’re like Ivan when he doesn’t want to take his iron supplements.”
Except Ivan had stopped taking the supplements 7 months ago. During his last doctor visit, they had deemed him well enough to stop taking the medicine, and it’s been too long since that he doesn’t even remember what it tastes like.
“That’s a lie.” Ivan chuckles, ignoring the feeling in his chest.
“Please, you always whine when you have to take it.” Till rolls his eyes at him. “You even gag when it touches your tongue, you hate it so much you down a whole glass of water in one go.”
｡｡｡
They’re currently in Till’s living room, taking each end of the sofa while Freddie is fast asleep on her cat bed on the carpet.
After having dinner, Till had asked him to watch a movie. Now they’re almost to the end of the movie, and the female lead is crying alone at her house, a few minutes after seeing the main lead walk away from the front door.
“That was stupid.” Till comments at the scene.
“Why?” Ivan questions, surprised at the comment. “Is it because it's not a happy ending?”
“No.” Till scoffs. “If he wanted to be with her, why did he leave? It’s stupid.”
Ivan stares back at him, questioning the words. They clearly were watching the same movie, and it wasn’t just the decision of wanting her or not, the main lead had to take in consideration a lot of things. “They were hurting each other, and so he left.”
“Leaving doesn’t make things better.” Till answers back.
The air around them is getting tense, Ivan doesn’t even know if they’re still talking about the movie, because Till is staring back at him with something akin to hurt.
“It stops them from hurting each other.”
“That’s bullshit.” Till says. “It’s just an excuse.”
“When doesn’t love hurt? Loving someone is allowing them to hurt you all the time, and it doesn’t stop even if you leave. Both of them are still in pain, they’re just in two different places.”
“But what do you do when it’s already too much?” Ivan question. “Suck up the pain and call it love?”
“I never said the pain was love.” Till retorts back, the movie credits are playing in the background and Freddie is already awake from her nap and has gone to the kitchen to where her cat bowl is, and the two of them are at opposite ends of the sofa arguing about a stupid movie that Ivan didn’t even want to watch in the first place. “It was just part of it.”
“It wasn’t supposed to hurt that bad!” Ivan is sure they weren’t talking about the anymore, funny how they’re still refusing to acknowledge each other even at this point. “It’s supposed to hurt sure, but we were also supposed to do something about it!”
“I did! I tried! I wanted it to stop, and I also just wanted you.” Till says the words through broken tears, voice cracking at every breathe, and for once Ivan realises that it wasn’t only him stuck in this internal self crisis monologue.
“But I’m not the one who ran away to some far off place instead of talking like an actual adult!”
｡｡｡
Ivan lets her down on the examination table, stroking her fur to calm her down.
“Are you Till’s boyfriend by chance?” The question surprises him, looking at the doctor with his mouth ajar, and the latter seems to have picked up on his expression.
“He told us that Freddie was his and his boyfriend’s cat, but you were too busy with work to come to the appointments, and seeing as you brought her now, I just guessed that you were the boyfriend Till was talking about.”
“I am.” A lie. If Till wants to continue lying to everyone in this town then Ivan will blindly follow, he doesn’t live here anymore, he doesn’t have any right to mess with Till’s routines, even if they’re stupid — even if Ivan has to pretend he’s still his.
“It’s nice to meet you then.” The doctor smiles. “And it’s good to see that she’s been doing well, I’m just going to run a quick check up and give you new medicine then you’re both free to go.”
Ivan walks with Freddie in his arms, once the check up finishes. It was a quick event, with the doctor just doing her rounds and examining the cat, and Ivan was there standing beside them while the vet kept asking him questions about their supposed relationship.
“I don’t know what to do, Freddie.” Ivan sighs as they walk.
“It’s been two years, and I’m still just confused.”
｡｡｡
“You know if she could talk, she’d be mad at you.” Till speaks up, they’re both in the kitchen eating the dinner that Ivan ordered from that restaurant down the street he knows Till likes.
“Meow.”
Till chuckles at Freddie’s response while Ivan frowns, not liking how the cat had easily betrayed him.
“Why me?” Ivan asks. “I know I’m the one that left, but haven’t you thought about why I did it?”
“Because I don’t know what you want… you don’t talk to me, you never communicate your feelings, you always assume that I’ll answer for the both of us. I don't know what you don’t want and I don't know which of the two I am. and I’m too afraid to ask you because the answer might kill me.”
Ivan trails off, contemplating whether to continue but he decides that if he doesn’t say anything now, he’ll never get to say it at all.
“We were fighting everyday, and I was stressed because I didn’t want that, I hated how we kept hurting each other. So I left, and the pain stopped because we were no longer tearing at each other’s throat just because one of us forgot to do the laundry, but no one told me that I would be thinking of you just because of a fucking laundry detergent you like.”
It feels like everything came crashing down, what is years of pent up emotion finally being acknowledged, and Ivan couldn’t help the tears flowing. “I missed you everyday, so much that it was at the point where I could care less if we fight everyday as long as I could hold you when I sleep.”
“I could never accept you moving on while I’m still a myriad of everything we used to do together.”
Till doesn’t say anything for a while, and Ivan stares at their uneaten food, both of them look like a mess, with their eyes watery and the emotions evident on their faces. They both look pathetic, and it was Till who broke the silence.
“Sometimes I put up two plates, sometimes I make egg drop soup even though i never liked the texture because I remember a certain someone likes them, there are vanilla scented candles everywhere in the house, I keep two house slippers even though no one even visits me, Freddie is still dressed in that collar you liked so much, and every thing you ever owned is still right here.”
“Till-“
“Most of the time I feel like the bed is too cold with just me and her.“
Ivan loves Till’s eyes, it speaks volumes even when the older doesn’t say any words. They stare right back at him in this moment, and all Ivan could really think about is that he’s probably never going to forget this man, not in this lifetime.
Till is looking at him with a tired expression, eyes telling him that he no longer wants this hurt, and there’s something in the way he still looks at Ivan endearingly despite all the mess they created.
“We’re too different, and no one thought about compromising which feels too stupid because if you would have told me you preferred pancakes over eggs in the morning I would have made them for you.”
“Then would you make them for me tomorrow?” Ivan asks, scared, and his voice is wavering at the question. He looks at Till with a pleading expression. Please, it says.
Till, despite the tears covering his face, smiles at him with utmost sincerity, and with the fondest look that has Ivan breathe out relief that maybe things could still be better.
“Okay.” He nods at Ivan. “Okay, I’ll make pancakes.” He repeats it again, and it’s directed at himself.
Ivan thinks that love is tiring, and it hurts again and again.
He wonders why anyone would choose to be in this situation, but as Till moves closer to bury himself further in Ivan’s embrace, he has his answer.
｡｡｡
There are pancakes in the morning.
“I have to go back tomorrow.” Ivan says through breakfast, Freddie is situated at her cat bowl with the bacon that Ivan gave her while Till wasn’t looking.
“I was worried about you,” he confessed. “It sounds heartless but I came rushing here because of the sound of your voice breaking over the phone when you were telling me that she was deadly sick, but Freddie will forgive me for this since she had always loved you a bit more.
Ivan chuckles, the atmosphere is light and warm, and he wonders how he ever made it without years of having this. “Her favoritism of you is something she must have gotten from me”
Till scoffs at his antics but squeezes his thigh with one hand. “We’ll take turns visiting each other.”
They both eat in silence after that, no one saying a word but Ivan knows they’re both thinking of the same thing - that today’s breakfast tastes better than yesterday’s.
｡｡｡
“Nice alien, Ivan.” Marty points to the small elephant paperweight on Ivan’s desk, chuckling at how odd it looked in the middle stacked on his papers.
“Thanks.” Ivan answers. “It’s a remembrance.”
“Of what?”
Ivan grins instead, not answering, making Marty roll his eyes at him. From Ivan’s pocket, he could feel the notification of a text, and even without looking at it, he knows just who it’s from.
Are you still at work? Freddie is being stubborn with her medicine again, she really gets it from you. Call me when you get home, and please drive safely. Also, do you want me to make pasta for your visit this weekend? Or should we just order takeout? Let me know later, I love you.