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The Roast That Might Be Classified

Summary:

Lewin’s curiosity about the Demon Kings leads to Mephisto’s ultimate gossip session, a roast so brutal it might be classified information. But why stop there? Investigator Lucy Yang struggles through Mephisto’s endless time puns and theatrical rants about Lucifer’s existential diva phase. And in a classroom far away, Rin’s innocent question about the King of Light spirals into chaos when Shima’s surprisingly accurate impression leaves everyone questioning their life choices.

Notes:

👑 Welcome, brave readers, to a world where demon royalty has more drama than a reality TV show, and humans are just trying to survive the chaos with their sanity intact. If you’re here for gossip, sarcasm, and Mephisto Pheles being his fabulous, trollish self, congratulations, you’ve made an excellent life choice. Now buckle up, because this is about to be ridiculous. 😈✨

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

The meeting room was silent except for the faint hum of magical wards lingering in the walls. The formalities had ended, and all the high-ranking members of the True Cross Order had filed out, leaving only Lewin Light, now a fully-fledged Arc Knight, and Mephisto Pheles, lounging against his cane with a lazy grin.

Lewin, as usual, wore a smirk that suggested mischief was afoot. "I've got a question," he said, breaking the silence.

Mephisto turned his gaze toward him, his grin widening in anticipation. "By all means, troublemaker. Ask away. I'm sure it's something utterly absurd, as always."

Lewin leaned back against the table, crossing his arms. "What do you, the King of Time, think about the other Demon Kings? Especially someone like the King of Light who is above you in hierarchy?"

For a fleeting moment, silence fell between them. Mephisto's grin faded ever so slightly as he regarded Lewin with an uncharacteristically serious expression. The tension in the air thickened, and Lewin's pulse quickened in response, though his excitement outweighed any trepidation. He loved moments like this-when the mask of chaos slipped just enough to glimpse the real Mephisto beneath.

Finally, Mephisto's lips quirked back into a grin, though this time there was an edge to it. "Oh, Lewin," he sighed dramatically, waving his hand. "If you're looking for scandal, you've come to the right place. I could write an opera about my siblings. But I'll keep it short for your sake."

Lewin straightened, his smirk unwavering as he leaned in slightly. "I'm all ears."

Mephisto tapped his cane thoughtfully against the floor. "Let's see... where do I even begin? Ah, Beel. Beelzebub. He's cute, sure, but the man is obsessed with barbecue. And by obsessed, I mean if you so much as suggest that grilled pork isn't the superior food, he'll hate you forever. No manners, either. The last time he visited, he stomped on one of my antique tables with his muddy boots. Disgraceful."

Lewin chuckled, trying to imagine a miniature Demon King throwing a tantrum over barbecue. "Sounds charming."

"Charming, yes. Like a mosquito at a picnic." Mephisto's grin widened, and he pressed on. "Amaimon, though-my dear baby brother. He's worse. Impulsive, destructive, and a nightmare for property values. Do you know how many mansions I've had to rebuild because he decided to 'spar' with someone indoors? Too many to count. My finances still haven't recovered from one incident in Paris 100 years ago."

Lewin's smirk twitched. "That's... honestly not surprising."

"Oh, but then there's Astaroth," Mephisto continued, waving his hand dismissively. "Ew. Just ew. The smell alone! I can't deal with him for more than five minutes before my allergies flare up. And you know I'm a clean demon, Lewin. Cleanliness is next to... well, not godliness, but certainly to sanity. That's why it would be certainly good for you to bathe more often, you are filthy. "

Lewin's grin grew wider, but he remained silent despite the comment on his cleanliness, letting Mephisto continue his tirade.

"Egyn," Mephisto sighed, shaking his head. "Sweet little Egyn. Adorable, but honestly a doormat. He agrees to everything, especially if Iblis suggests it. Which, by the way, brings us to her-don't even get me started on Iblis." His grin twisted into something darker. "An egocentric, beauty-obsessed freak. She's ruined more than one of my parties because she thought my mirrors made her makeup look 'wrong.' I'm the King of Time, for heaven's sake! My mirrors are flawless. She's just delusional."

Lewin blinked, unsure if he regretted his question or was now deeply fascinated.

"And Azazel," Mephisto continued, his voice dripping with disdain. "Oh, what a drama queen. He decides not to switch vessels anymore, sits his ass in the middle of nowhere, and turns himself into a rock. A literal rock. 'Oh, I'm done with this world!' he said. What a statement. But even he can't hold a candle to Lucifer."

The air in the room seemed to grow heavier at the name. Mephisto's expression shifted, a flicker of something unreadable crossing his face before he sighed deeply. "Lucifer is the biggest diva of them all. If even the slightest thing goes wrong for him, the whole world has to suffer for it. 'Oh, woe is me, my vessel is decaying!' Next thing you know, he's threatening to destroy the planet. The planet, Lewin! Do you know how much anime and manga I'd lose if that happened? It's unacceptable."

Lewin let out a bark of laughter, unable to contain himself any longer. "So, basically, your siblings are a circus."

Mephisto's grin returned full force. "Exactly. And yet, somehow, amidst all the chaos and insanity, I remain the only normal, sane one among them."

Lewin raised an eyebrow, his grin sharp and teasing. "Oh, really? And here I thought you'd have some juicy gossip about yourself, too."

Mephisto froze, his grin faltering for just a second before he recovered with a theatrical twirl of his cane. "Gossip? About me? My dear boy, I'm an open book. The epitome of perfection! What possible scandal could there be?"

Lewin leaned in, his grin feral. "You tell me. What's the King of Time hiding behind that oversized hat of his?"

Mephisto chuckled, but there was a glint of something dangerous in his eyes now. "Oh, Lewin, you're a bold one. Keep climbing that ladder of yours, and maybe, just maybe, I'll let you in on a secret or two someday. But for now..." He snapped his fingers, and a swirling portal of vibrant colors appeared behind him. "...you'll just have to keep wondering." Mephisto was lying of course but that doesn't mean Lewin wouldn't get answers in the future. He might have just to use force.

With a playful wink and a tip of his hat, Mephisto disappeared into the vortex, leaving Lewin alone in the silent room. For a long moment, the Arc Knight stood there, his grin unwavering.

"Guess I'll just have to keep asking," he muttered to himself, already looking forward to their next encounter.


Mephisto lounged lazily on the ornate couch in his office, one leg crossed over the other, his ever-present grin sharp and teasing as he addressed the solemn group of True Cross investigators seated before him. The air was heavy with tension-after all, the Illuminati's recent declaration of war had shaken the very foundations of their organization. And yet, here sat Mephisto Pheles, Demon King of Time, sipping tea as though they were discussing the weather.

"You wanted to know about Lucifer," he began, twirling his umbrella with exaggerated nonchalance. "I'm positively delighted to share. Gossip, after all, is my specialty."

The lead investigator, a no-nonsense woman named Lucy Yang, narrowed her eyes. "We're not here for theatrics, Mephisto. We need useful information."

Mephisto placed a hand on his chest, feigning offense. "Oh, but my dear Lucy, everything I say is useful. Especially when it's about my darling older brother."

Mephisto leaned forward, balancing his teacup precariously on the arm of the couch. "Where to begin with Lucifer? The man's dramatic flair knows no bounds. He's like the protagonist of his own tragic opera-if the protagonist also happened to be the most self-absorbed diva in existence. You see, Lucy, Lucifer doesn't just suffer quietly. No, no, no. When he suffers, everyone has to feel it. It's not enough that he's rotting in his vessel; he must drag the entire world into his misery. And when I say the world, I mean literally. He's threatened to blow it up more than once, just because he doesn't leave his vessel once it's done for Gehenna's sake."

The investigators exchanged uneasy glances, but Lucy kept her focus sharp. "And the other Demon Kings? Where do they stand in all this?"

Mephisto chuckled, swirling the last dregs of his tea before setting the cup aside. "Ah, yes, the family drama. Let me give you the rundown. Azazel-dear, dull Azazel-he's always been on humanity's side since the True Cross Order began. A shame, really, that he has become cold as stone." nobody laughed at this joke besides Mephisto himself. Azazel was one of the Grigori despite not being able to move anymore.

Mephisto's grin widened as he leaned back into the couch, clearly relishing the moment. The investigators, however, were less amused. Lucy Yang pinched the bridge of her nose, already regretting her life choices that had led to this very moment.

"Azazel," Mephisto continued, undeterred by the silence, "is humanity's stalwart rock. Literally now, thanks to his dramatic decision to become one with nature. Oh, don't get me wrong, I appreciate his unwavering loyalty. But between you and me, if you're trusting him over me, shame on you. I mean, I'm the one here talking and helping, aren't I?" He spread his arms theatrically. "Does this not scream trustworthiness?"

Lucy gave him a flat stare, unimpressed. "Continue."

Mephisto sighed dramatically, feigning disappointment in his audience. "Fine, fine. Where was I? Ah, yes. Amaimon and Beelzebub. Neutral as always. Amaimon is a simple creature-give him some candy, a sparring partner, and a forest to wreck, and he's content. Beel, on the other hand..." He tapped his chin thoughtfully. "He's far too busy hosting his weekly barbecue bonanza to care about world-ending shenanigans. Honestly, if Lucifer showed up at his party, insulted his grilling technique, and threatened to merge Assiah and Gehenna, Beelzebub would probably just throw him into the smoker. Or try to."

One of the younger investigators stifled a laugh, earning a glare from Lucy.

"But Iblis and Astaroth," Mephisto said, his grin sharpening. "Now they are a delightfully idiotic pair. Iblis is as predictable as ever-desperate for immortality to preserve her so-called beauty. As if that's even possible for her. No amount of makeup can fix her personality. She'd still complain about the lighting in the apocalypse, I swear. Honestly, her allegiance to Lucifer boils down to him promising her the perfect vessel. Which, by the way, she'll still complain about. 'Oh, the angles on this new vessel aren't flattering!'"

Mephisto mimed Iblis, adopting an exaggerated, high-pitched tone as he waved an imaginary compact mirror. The investigators exchanged looks, unsure whether to be horrified or amused.

"And Astaroth..." Mephisto wrinkled his nose in mock disgust. "Do I even need to elaborate? That thing is a walking health hazard. I don't know how Lucifer convinced him to join-maybe a throne made out of corpses-but I don't care to find out. Just thinking about it makes me want to douse my office in disinfectant."

"Egyn?" Lucy prompted, trying to steer the conversation back on track.

Mephisto's grin softened into something almost affectionate. "Ah, little Egyn. He's just... agreeable. You ask him to do something, and he says yes. Lucifer got to him first, and, well, Egyn doesn't say no to his big brother. It's as simple as that. Poor guy probably didn't even read the fine print. 'Destroy the world? Sure thing, big bro!'"

Mephisto leapt to his feet and conjured a crude illusion of Egyn with watery, shimmering features and an over-exaggerated, dopey expression. He mimicked Egyn's voice in a high-pitched, servile tone. "Oh yes, big brother Lucifer! Of course, big brother Lucifer! Shall I flood the world for you, big brother Lucifer?"

The investigators stared, some incredulous, others horrified. Lucy Yang dropped her pen and stared blankly at the scene, torn between walking out or throwing something at the King of Time.

Mephisto dissolved the illusion with a snap of his fingers, his grin returning full force. "Honestly, it's like living in a soap opera. Family dinners were wild back in the day."

Lucy exhaled slowly, pinching the bridge of her nose. "And Lucifer? What's his angle in all of this?"

Mephisto's jovial demeanor shifted in an instant. His grin remained, but his eyes darkened, gleaming with something sharper, more dangerous. He returned to his seat, leaning forward as his voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper.

"Lucifer," he began, almost reverently, "is the worst of us all. As I said The Diva King. He's the self-proclaimed savior of the weak, the harbinger of equality for all beings. Oh, what a noble goal." Mephisto clapped his hands mockingly. "And how does he plan to achieve it? By destroying the entire world! What better way to make everyone equal than to ensure there's nothing left?!"

The air grew heavier, and the investigators exchanged nervous glances. Mephisto leaned back, crossing his legs as if he hadn't just declared something absurdly catastrophic.

"Here's the thing about Lucifer," he continued, his tone now oddly calm. "He's not just a drama queen; he's an existential drama queen. If he can't live the way he wants-if his perfect little world doesn't revolve around him-he'll bring down the curtain on the whole production. That's his way of saying, 'If I can't be happy, nobody can.'"

Lucy's pen hovered above her notepad as if she'd forgotten how to write. "So, to clarify, he's threatening to destroy the world because... he's unhappy?"

"Precisely!" Mephisto said, clapping his hands together. "Unhappy and rotting in his vessel, but mostly just unhappy because of his rotting vessel. Such a fragile ego, don't you think?"

Lucy Yang stared at Mephisto, unblinking, as his words sank in. Every part of her rational mind screamed to walk out of the room, but she was tethered to the spot by the sheer absurdity of what she was hearing. This wasn't an intelligence briefing-it was a comedy roast of apocalyptic proportions.

"And you think we can rely on you?" she asked, her voice laced with exasperation. "On you of all people?"

Mephisto placed a hand over his heart, feigning shock. "Lucy, darling, I'm offended. Of course you can rely on me! Who else could offer you such priceless insights into the inner workings of my charming family? And Azazel, of course! Steadfast as a rock. Literally. He's not going anywhere anytime soon. Very reliable, that one."

The corners of Lucy's mouth twitched in frustration. "I hate my job," she muttered, half to herself.

Mephisto leaned forward, his grin wide and devilish. "Oh, come now, Lucy. Don't be like that. I think you're doing splendidly! Why, this conversation alone has been an absolute delight."

"This conversation is over," she snapped, rising to her feet. "And if you'll excuse me, I need to find a quiet corner to scream into."

Mephisto stood as well, tipping his hat with exaggerated politeness. "Do take care, Lucy. And remember, if you ever need more... family insights, you know where to find me."

Lucy turned on her heel and stormed toward the door, muttering curses under her breath. She could hear Mephisto laughing softly behind her as she left, his voice trailing after her like a specter.

"Oh, Lucy," he called, his tone playful. "Do let me know if Lucifer makes any particularly dramatic declarations. I wouldn't want to miss the encore."

Lucy didn't dignify him with a response. She slammed the door behind her, leaving Mephisto alone in his opulent office. He chuckled to himself, pouring another cup of tea and reclining on the couch.

"Ah, humans," he mused aloud, swirling the tea in his cup. "So endearingly predictable. Almost makes me want to continue just observing the world."

His grin widened as he leaned back, gazing up at the ornate ceiling. "Almost."


Lucy Yang sat across from Mephisto Pheles in his overly dramatic, candy-colored office, her patience already worn thin. She had been summoned to discuss the fallout from the Illuminati's latest activities, but Mephisto had apparently decided today's agenda was revenge. Revenge for the little spy she had discreetly assigned to keep tabs on him during the last council meeting.

He twirled his umbrella lazily, his grin as sharp and mischievous as ever. "Ah, Lucy, I must say, I find your attempts at espionage adorable. Like trying to sneak a sundial into a digital clock shop."

Lucy's eyebrow twitched. "Can we just get to the point? You called this meeting, remember?"

"Of course, of course!" Mephisto tapped his umbrella against his chin in mock thought. "Let's see... the Illuminati, Azazel, Lucifer... Oh, but first, a little anecdote about time." His grin widened as Lucy braced herself. "You see, they say time heals all wounds, but I think it just leaves them beautifully scarred-like the cracks in Azazel's rock-hard exterior. A metaphor, if you will!"

Lucy pinched the bridge of her nose. "Mephisto, if you start another rock joke about Azazel, I swear-"

"Dare me, Lucy!" Mephisto shot back, leaning forward with glee. "Oh, please dare me!"

Lucy's eyes narrowed. "Go ahead. I dare you."

He paused for a beat, then shifted gears with the grace of a Broadway performer. "Fine, fine, I'll take the high road. Let's talk about time instead. For example, did you know I'm the only Demon King who's always on time? It's in the title, after all." He spread his arms as though presenting himself as a gift to the universe. "King of Time! Punctuality incarnate! My family should take notes-especially Lucifer. He's been dragging the same existential crisis out for centuries."

Lucy stared at him, her expression unreadable. "Are you done?"

"Not even close!" Mephisto chirped, his grin never faltering. "But let's circle back to Lucifer. If I were to be a diva like him, oh, what a spectacle that would be! The world wouldn't be destroyed, mind you-oh no, no. It would simply be... improved. Animatic wonders! Glorious technicolor skies! A cosmic musical number every hour on the hour. Why settle for a boring apocalypse when you can have a fabulous one?"

Lucy folded her arms, unimpressed. "That's your takeaway? You'd redecorate the apocalypse?"

"Precisely!" Mephisto said, snapping his fingers. "Lucifer wants to tear the stage down because he can't sing the final act. I, on the other hand, would just rewrite the script and add more pizzazz. Pyrotechnics! Dancing stars! And, of course, a very dramatic farewell monologue."

Lucy sighed, glancing at her watch as if willing time to move faster. "You really are insufferable, you know that?"

Mephisto tilted his head, his grin softening into something almost fond. "Oh, Lucy, you wound me. But deep down, I know you appreciate my unique perspective. Admit it-if nothing else, I make these little meetings... memorable."

Lucy stood, brushing nonexistent dust off her coat. "Memorable isn't the word I'd use." She turned to leave, muttering under her breath, "And I'm definitely too old for this shit."

As she reached the door, Mephisto called after her, his voice sing-song. "Oh, Lucy, one more thing! If you're ever in the mood for more timeless insights, you know where to find me."

Lucy didn't bother replying. She slammed the door behind her, leaving Mephisto alone in his kaleidoscopic chaos, chuckling to himself.

"Humans," he mused aloud, reclining in his chair. "So delightfully easy to irritate. Truly, the best part of eternity."


The classroom buzzed with chatter as Rin casually leaned back in his chair, his tail flicking lazily. "So what's this Lucifer guy even like, anyway? We only saw him that day but what is he really like?" he asked, looking around at his friends.

The room fell silent. Not because of Rin's question, but because of who happened to be walking past the open classroom door at that exact moment: Mephisto Pheles.

Never one to pass up an opportunity for theatrics, Mephisto skidded to a halt, spun on his heel, and entered the room as though he'd been personally summoned. "Lucifer, you say?" Mephisto's grin widened as his eyes gleamed with mischief. "Oh, my dear Rin, allow me to enlighten you."

The students exchanged uneasy glances as Mephisto strode to the front of the class, his umbrella twirling dramatically. With a flourish, he cleared his throat, tilted his head at a regal angle, and launched into an overly dramatic impersonation of the King of Light.

He threw his arms wide, his voice dripping with mock gravitas. "Oh, Samael, my ever-defiant brother! How dare you live in such decadence while I rot in this vessel? This world... it does not deserve me! If I cannot live as I wish, I shall ensure no one else does either!"

Mephisto paced the room, clutching his chest as though delivering a monologue to an invisible audience. He gestured wildly, spun in a circle, and even fell to his knees in mock despair. "The pain of this decaying form! The indignity of this fleeting existence! I am perfection, Samael, and yet they defy me!"

The students sat frozen, unsure whether to laugh, clap, or quietly leave the room. Rin stared, his mouth slightly agape, while Ryuji frowned, muttering under his breath about Mephisto being "too lively for a guy supposedly impersonating a rotting corpse."

Finally, Mephisto straightened up, brushing imaginary dust from his pristine suit. "And that, my dear students, is Lucifer in all his... shining glory."

Rin glanced over at Shima, who had been sitting unusually quiet during the performance. "Shima, is that really what he's like?"

Shima hesitated for a moment, scratching the back of his head. "Uh... I think that's a bit over the top." He stood abruptly, his expression suddenly serious. "But fine. I'll give it a shot. I'll regret this, but whatever."

The room held its breath as Shima adopted an uncharacteristically grim demeanor, staring up at Mephisto as though channeling something ancient and powerful. "Samael," Shima began, his voice low and rasping, "your insolence shall not be tolerated. This world must be purified. I am the light-"

Shima broke off, coughing violently as he collapsed to the ground in an overly dramatic heap. The room gasped in unison.

For a long, tense moment, silence reigned. Then Shima groaned and sat up, brushing himself off. "Yep, that's about accurate."

The class erupted in nervous laughter as Mephisto clutched his sides, laughing so hard tears streamed down his face. "Oh, dear boy, that is the true impression! I couldn't have done it better myself!"

Shima smirked, but his voice dropped to a more serious tone as he addressed the room. "I'd be VERY grateful if this didn't leave here, though. Seriously. If it does, Miss Todo will find out, and trust me, she's been itching to use me for one of her 'special experiments.' And afterward? Straight to the trash. Probably while still conscious."

The laughter in the room quickly turned to uneasy chuckles. Rin blinked, still trying to process what had just happened. "Wait, is he serious?"

"Dead serious," Shima replied, his tone casual but his eyes sharp. "Let's just call this our little secret, yeah?"

Mephisto, still wiping away tears of laughter, nodded sagely. "Yes, yes, our little secret. But I must say, Shima, you've got potential. Perhaps I should recruit you for my next masquerade ball. Lucifer will be thrilled to hear someone truly captured his essence."

Shima groaned. "Please don't."

 

Notes:

I laughed so hard writing this that I’m starting to suspect I might actually be Samael’s long-lost sibling, chaos runs in the family, after all. Let’s just pray the Demon Kings don’t stumble across fanfiction. I hear they don’t take kindly to shade.😅

If Lucifer ever did read this, my Wi-Fi would mysteriously combust within seconds. But hey, some risks are worth the memes. 🕶️✨

Let’s all agree that the Demon Kings probably have a lot to say about Samael behind closed doors, but for the sake of my survival (and decent Wi-Fi), we’ll leave that tea brewing for another day. 😂

I hope you all had as much fun with this as I did! Comments and kudos are like Amaimon’s favorite candy, absolutely vital to my existence. So go ahead, drop a comment, leave a kudo, and let’s keep the chaos flowing like Beelzebub at an all-you-can-eat barbecue. 🍖🍭