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There were things Joke never expected to change. Guilt he knew would sit with him until he died – feelings of worthlessness and the disappointment – agony – of being a burden to the few people who he deeply loved – knowing that he brought mostly pain into the lives of those around him. They weren’t the most rational productive mindsets to have, but they were locked deep in the folds of his brain. Unreachable, eternal, poison. Always ready to push their way into the front when things were quiet.
Things were better now, not just for him but for Jack; most importantly for Jack. Jack deserved complete kindness and good fortune. The man who never tried to steal or cheat until he had no other options. The man who even when placed at such a dead end still decided to look out for others and try to do right by people. Jack was the embodiment of good, proving with each breath that some people are just that special.
Jack was the opposite of Joke in so many important ways it would take years to write out on paper. A millennium to say aloud. Where Jack was good, Joke was not. Where Jack was kind, Joke was not. Where Jack deserved good things…
Joke heaved a silent sigh, staring blindly up at the darkened ceiling, listening to the deep peaceful breaths of Jack beside him. They’d been busy since the dust settled, making sure that everything was running smoothly, that the kids were fitting in, and that their friends were adjusting to their newfound freedom. Life was good even. Joke had started talking to his family again – though it was still strained, he and Jack had finally settled all of the lingering hurt between them, and yet Joke still found himself sleepless and disorientated.
He was no stranger to bad dreams. Before his arrest he would get them from time to time – blurry images of his father admonishing him once again and casting him aside, his mother agreeing, denouncing him as their son, and his brother’s slight eyebrow raise as if dismissing Joke completely. Those always hurt. He would wake up with a heavy weight deep in his core knowing that the nightmare was the reality, just that his father had yet to find the courage to say those things aloud to him. And worse yet, knowing that his family would be justified in their disappointment.
In prison, the dreams were far less pleasant. Joke would hear Jack’s grandma plea to the police, hear her beg – relive those moments over and over. Darkness filling in the edges. The dreams of his parents would pop up too, except they would be muddled with his mother’s cries and the sharpness of his father's slap.
Even after everything, after the ring and the threats of death, after the apologies and the forgiveness, Joke still found himself dreaming of Jack’s words. The hatred they had held – the finality. He would hear them echoing through the blackness, sometimes asking him to leave other times asking him to die. Ring endlessly in the deep chasm, filling every crack with festering self-loathing.
It was silly. Words were just words; they held no greater power than actions – their meaning was lost the moment they were heard. Joke, despite what his father might believe, was not a fool. He was not dumb. He was not naïve. He had known most of the things Jack had said to him were from a place of anger, not truth. Jack didn’t believe Joke dying was the best way to ask for forgiveness, he didn’t want Joke to disappear forever, he wasn’t asking for anything – Jack had simply been angry, and Joke had deserved everything he’d received. Everything and more.
Slowly, Joke clenched his eyes tight and ran his free hand through his hair, intentionally pulling hard enough to cause small spikes of pain to rain down through the edges of his scalp. This level of weakness was pathetic, “Just like you…” he sighed out the words quietly, “pathetic and unjustified,” slowly trying to untangle himself from Jack, he paused whenever the younger man stirred waiting until Jack settled again before shifting once more.
It was humid outside, thick and sticky. The kind of humidity that instantly coats you, seeping into everything and making you exhausted. It lingered on Joke the way the words constantly lingered in his brain. He had hoped that leaving the confines of the house would brighten his mood some, and wash off the stupidity that had accompanied his dreams, but all it did was add to his already dampened mood. He had already spent the last five years guilty, the last fifteen as though he was a burden, and so many months desperately trying to rectify everything. He shouldn’t let his brain continue to dwell on the past this much. It wasn’t logical to hang on to something that had been settled.
“Joke?” Jack’s voice sounded far too awake, breaking through the painful silence Joke had allowed himself to stand in, “What are you doing outside? It’s after one in the morning.”
There he was again being a burden, “Just clearing my head. Couldn’t sleep,” Joke added seeing the questions rise, “You don’t need to worry about me, remember?” Jack stilled, and Joke felt another blast of disappointment flood his chest. Of course, Jack wouldn’t want him out here alone – every time Joke was by himself he fucked things up, “Actually, no – I’m good. Let’s go back in, it’s too gross out here anyway –”
“Joke,” Jack caught him by the forearm before he could make it into the building, “what’s going on? Are you in trouble? Did something happen?”
Another wave of inadequacy washed over him, Jack was too good a person to waste time with someone like Joke, “No – uh – no, just couldn’t sleep,” Joke attempted to disguise the break in his voice with little success, “Let’s just –”
Jack’s grip tightened slightly, preventing them from reentering, “Joke, you didn’t stop pestering me until you knew everything that was going on – and then some,” his voice lightened, the worry melting along the edges, at hearing Joke’s gentle scoff, “I have the rest of our lives to do the same to you,”
“It’s stupid,”
“With you? I doubt that,”
“Lying isn’t necessary,” Joke could feel some of the darkness fade away, even if just for a moment, “I know some of my plans have been stupid,”
“I wasn’t talking about your plans,” he tugged gently, “I was referring to you – you are anything but stupid. Explain why you are out in this disgusting humidity rather than being surrounded by the perfectly molded ten-layered blanket in our blissfully air-conditioned bedroom?”
Joke refused to allow Jack to spin him, instead stubbornly facing the wall. “It’s stupid… I know it’s stupid,”
“Joke,” Jack tugged again, finally succeeding in getting Joke to face him, “Did you have a nightmare or something? ‘Cause that’s not stupid. You know I get them,”
“Yours are about real things – things that…” Joke stopped himself before walking into his own hypocrisy, “It’s just different…”
Jack pursed his lips together for a second, thinking, “I had been dreaming that you took my words to heart. That I couldn’t get to you to fix things. That you… anyway, I woke up and you weren’t there,”
“Sorry…”
Ignoring the quiet apology, Jack continued, “So, for a few seconds I thought everything I dreamt was real. That you were gone and had left thinking I wanted nothing to do with you. That was a stupid reaction to a bad dream, don’t you think?”
“No…”
“So?”
Joke flashed a glance up to Jack’s face, gently pulling his hand free, “One day… one day, I’ll be responsible for everything falling apart. That’s how it always is. And when that happens everything you said will have been… you will regret not following through with it all. I always cause problems… just look at everything that has happened. Hell, ask my family – I’m just a burden to –”
“That’s what you dreamed about?” Jack asked cutting off Joke’s rambles, “I didn’t mean any of what I said – I was just –”
“Angry and hurt, yes, I know – but you weren’t wrong,” Joke could feel the uncomfortable guilt coil tighter, threatening to strangle his heart, “You weren’t wrong…”
“I was wrong. You said you forgave me for that,”
“There was nothing to forgive,”
“There was plenty to forgive,” Jack’s eyebrows pulled together slightly, “Has this been bothering you this whole time?”
“What? Oh, no, it’s not…” Joke ran his hand harshly through his hair for the second time since he woke up, once again with more force than necessary, “I don’t blame you – I forgive you if you want that – it’s not, I don’t dwell on any of it… I just,”
“If everything falls apart, we will work on putting it back into place together. Regardless of how it collapses,”
“Jack that’s not how –”
“I regretted everything that I said the moment I walked away,”
“I know, it’s not –”
“And considering everything that has happened, worrying about these things is not stupid,”
“Will you let me talk?” Joke’s attempt at frustration fell short, muted by the unwelcome swell of emotions he was trying to push down.
“Are you going to keep dismissing my love for you?”
“What? No –”
“Then believe me when I say, I am sorry for the things I said. I forgive you for everything you think you need forgiveness for. And we are in this together,”
“You’re ridiculous,” Joke muttered, finally looking at Jack fully, rolling his eyes at the shit-eating grin that was looking back at him, “When did you get so cheesy?”
“Probably when I became so happy,” he shrugged as he reached out to grab Joke’s wrist, “Are you ready to go back to bed? We have that taekwondo competition tomorrow – you’re helping to judge remember?”
“I told you I know nothing about taekwondo,” Joke whined finally allowing Jack to pull him towards the door, “I won’t be a good judge,”
“You just want to be lazy,”
“Hey!”
“Quiet!” Jack admonished, still grinning, “Besides you have a good eye for the dramatics,”
“Excuse me?!”
“I said be quiet,”