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Last night, Kabru had quietly passed out on top of Laios, mentally and physically worn out from crying. Careful not to disturb him, cradling him in his arms and gently rubbing his back, Laios shifted the position of his body so that he could rest his head upon the pillows. Kabru clung onto him so tightly that if, for instance, he needed to go to the bathroom, he would probably have to carry Kabru with him. It certainly seemed easier than any attempt to peel his arms away. Indeed, he hadn't let go of Laios through the night, and he still held onto him in the morning, many hours later, by the time Laios woke up. His arms were still wrapped around Laios' neck, his cheek resting upon his chest.
Laios quietly studied Kabru's face, furrowing his brow as he gently stroked Kabru's hair. He seemed calm now, breathing softly through his nose and parted lips, with his eyelashes fluttering occasionally and his eyebrows forming two gentle arches with no sign of tension. Upon closer inspection, though, his face bore obvious signs of the state he was in last night. The area around his eyes was noticeably puffy, his eyelashes clumped together when they got wet and now seemed thicker and darker than usual, and his tears left wet marks on his cheeks, two thin lines going all the way down to his chin. Kabru must have been exhausted. Laios didn't have the heart to wake him.
What they had last night... that was a fight, wasn't it? He didn't realise it until Kabru raised his voice and cried, and slapped him – well, it wasn't much of a slap, Laios thought, instinctively touching his cheek with his very fingertips; it was more of a fast pat that startled him rather than hurt him, and it seemed like that was exactly what it was meant to do; if Kabru wanted to hurt him, he wouldn't have softened that blow – and the realisation didn't fully set in until this very moment, as he tried to make sense of what happened. He wasn't expecting that kind of reaction at all. It scared him. Not because Kabru raised his voice for the first time – Laios was used to getting yelled at, and he could tell that Kabru wasn't really angry with him. It wasn't due to fear of violence, either. Kabru shook him by the shoulders out of frustration, yes, but Laios was used to being disciplined in far more violent ways, for much less understandable reasons. What scared him was not what Kabru could have done to him, but what his words had done to Kabru. Seeing him in that state: hysterical, erratic, desperate and, above all else, scared out of his mind, was uniquely terrifying.
Squeezing his eyes shut, Laios buried his face in Kabru's hair and held him closer. Last night, he was in too much of a shock to react appropriately to the things Kabru told him. It was probably for the best, anyway. This was an emotional matter, and he never had a good grasp of those. Whatever he said was all but guaranteed to make things worse. It would've been better if he never said anything at all, but how was he supposed to know that? He thought that they were just having a casual conversation. When did it become something else? Kabru said that he tried to steer the conversation in a different direction, but Laios never noticed anything, not until Kabru asked him to stop talking. What signs did he miss? Presumably it was something that everyone other than him would have picked up on immediately. As always, he was too oblivious to the feelings of others.
Obviously, death was an upsetting topic to a lot of people. Laios learned that the hard way when he told Marcille about the habits of the animals she liked, and she covered her ears and yelled at him for saying "disturbing" things about "cute" animals. It was as if she didn't know that animals eat each other, or that they die at all. She must have known, obviously, but for some reason she preferred to pretend otherwise. He would never understand that kind of thinking, but he respected Marcille enough not to bring it up again. Along the way, it turned out that there were even more things he couldn't talk about while Marcille was around. This wasn't the case with Kabru, though. In a way, Kabru was the one who brought it up first, when he pointed out how easy Laios would have been to kill. Obviously, that conversation was upsetting. It was the first time Laios saw Kabru become scared like that. Back then, Laios thought that it was because Kabru was scared of his own thoughts, coming from a place of knowing that he was capable of killing Laios, and really didn't want to do it accidentally, which was understandable. In hindsight, it must've been the thought of Laios dying at all, which was much harder to navigate, considering that he would die one day.
Laios was still struggling to make sense of Kabru's feelings on the matter. Obviously, he knew that they were both going to die eventually. He said himself that death was inevitable, after all. Despite people's best efforts, they could never achieve immortality. Sooner or later, they were all going to die, and there was nothing they could do to avoid it, no matter how careful they were. They agreed on that point. It made sense that they could talk about it without getting emotional, then, right? If it was something inevitable and mostly unpredictable, then there was no point in entertaining the thought of preventing it, and an awful lot of reasons to discuss what to do if it happened.
Given how excited Kabru seemed to discuss various beliefs about the afterlife and different methods of burial, Laios assumed that he wouldn't mind talking about the things Laios wanted to happen to his body after his death. He never expected him to get this upset about it. Was it the transition from talking about death in general, to talking about his own death, that made things different? It seemed strange that Kabru was more upset about it than Laios was. Maybe it was because Laios would be dead, so it wouldn't matter to him anymore, but Kabru would stay here, alive, and have to take care of everything without him. Laios wished that he wouldn't have to burden Kabru, or Falin, or anybody, with the responsibility of disposing of his body. If only he could disappear without a trace as soon as he closed his eyes for the last time!
But that wasn't how it worked. That was what Kabru tried to tell him, or so it seemed, at least. His eventual exit, far from a quiet, peaceful disappearance, an act of finally freeing up the space he never thought he deserved to occupy, would have an impact on the people in his life. He would no longer be there to see it, but that didn't make it any less real. He could ask Kabru to quietly dispose of his body without bothering with a proper funeral, but he couldn't be sure that it would lessen the burden at all. He wished, so badly, that he could make Kabru promise that he wouldn't be sad for long, that he would bury his memory and immediately move on, and be happy. But he couldn't, and maybe that was a good thing, but he was not yet ready to accept it as such.
What if it was the other way around? The both of them took it for granted that Laios would die first, and it did seem like the more likely option. He was older than Kabru, in a far worse shape, and had already come close to death a number of times. It felt like he'd been living on borrowed time for at least a few years now, with nothing to show for it. It felt right that he would die first. But what if Kabru died before him? Maybe if he thought about it this way, Kabru's reaction would make sense.
But... it wasn't the same at all, was it? Laios tilted his head to look at Kabru's face and furrowed his brow. Now, he'd thought about the possibility of Kabru leaving him many times. Despite Kabru's insistence that he would never want to leave, there was always a chance that he would change his mind, if not now, then in a few months, or even years. Laios was prepared for it – he only hoped that Kabru would tell him that he was leaving in advance. But there was a difference between Kabru leaving him, and Kabru dying. It was fine if Kabru didn't want to see him anymore. He would understand that decision. But Kabru's death would have been a tragedy of unimaginable magnitude. Kabru was so smart, and so nice, and so ambitious. He could do anything he put his mind to. He would make the world a better place for as long as he was alive, as a librarian, a storyteller, a teacher, a politician, and an all-around incredible person. In the grand scheme of things, Laios' own grief would be insignificant, much like his existence was insignificant next to Kabru's. But, ah, Kabru would have scolded him for thinking this way if he knew, wouldn't he?
Laios grimaced, heaving a sigh. They would have to talk about all of this eventually. Hopefully he would be more prepared for it then. He didn't want to upset Kabru like that ever again. It was probably inevitable, though. He wasn't good at navigating emotional conversations at all.
A glance at the window. It was getting pretty late, wasn't it? He should probably get up and make breakfast so that Kabru could at least eat something before work. But, assuming he could wrangle himself out of Kabru's grip to begin with, it sounded like a bad idea to leave him alone right now. Last night, Kabru talked a lot about how upset he would be if Laios died in his sleep, right? He would probably be really upset to wake up and not see him there. At the same time, Laios didn't have the heart to wake him up, either. He clearly needed the rest. But it would probably be pretty bad if he overslept and was late for work... Grimacing, Laios scratched his cheek.
Kabru stirred in his arms, rubbing his cheek against Laios' chest. His eyelashes fluttered and his mouth was pried open by a powerful yawn, treating Laios to the charming view of his uvula. Rubbing his eyes with the back of his head, Kabru slowly blinked awake, moaning groggily to himself. A painful twitch passed through his face, making him grimace for a split second, before his lips curled into a weak smile. He cupped Laios' cheek with his hand and looked at him, wide-eyed, slightly tilting his head. Laios leaned into his touch and exhaled softly through his nose. Only now seeming fully relieved, Kabru let out a sigh. "Good morning, handsome," he said.
"Good morning!" Laios said instinctively, perking up. Caught off guard by his enthusiasm, Kabru raised his eyebrows in surprise. Laios lowered his eyelids. "I'm still alive," he murmured.
A hand cupped his other cheek, and together they guided Laios' face closer to Kabru's. "So you are," he hummed happily, bumping his forehead against Laios'. "You don't know how relieved I am to see that. I had a strange dream last night," he said, blue eyes staring directly into Laios'. "I don't remember much of what happened in it, but it left me worried for your life. Odd, isn't it?"
Laios tilted his head. It wasn't a dream. Kabru was obviously referring to the conversation they had last night. Did he think that it was just a nightmare? It would make sense. After all, Kabru passed out as soon as that conversation was over, and he was probably a little wine drunk while it was happening. But it didn't sound like he really believed that it was a dream. His expression seemed anxious, eyes pleading with Laios not to correct him. Laios looked away and puffed out his cheeks. "Huh, weird! I think I had a similar dream last night. I think you were there. Maybe we had the same dream!" It was probably for the better if they didn't talk about it right now. "When you're having a nightmare, it helps to have somebody you know show up and wake you up."
Kabru sighed with relief. "Is that so? I wonder if I hopped into your nightmare, or you into mine," he murmured, stroking Laios' cheeks with his thumbs. "Either way, at least we were together, I suppose." He sat up beside Laios on the bed, stretching his arms above his head with a groan. "It's time to get out of bed, isn't it? I wish I didn't have to go to work today," he admitted, heaving a sigh. "Ugh." Kabru shuddered and grimaced as he touched his own face. "It appears that I fell asleep without washing my face. I imagine I must look absolutely awful right now."
"I mean, your eyes are a little puffy," Laios said helpfully, pointing at Kabru's face as he sat up cross-legged on the bed, "but if you wash your face now, it should be okay. You look normal."
Covering his mouth with his hand, Kabru laughed. "Well, thank you. That's reassuring. Though, considering how you felt about my appearance when I was sick," he added fondly, poking the tip of Laios' nose, "I don't know if I should take your feedback into consideration. I'm convinced that you wouldn't see a problem with my appearance even if I were to wear a potato bag for a shirt and stop taking care of my hair entirely." Laios opened his mouth and closed it again, unable to argue. "That's what I thought. Well, I suppose I will have to see for myself," Kabru said, moving towards the edge of the bed. "If you hear a scream from the bathroom, don't be alarmed."
"Okay." Seated on the edge of his bed, Laios scratched his belly, watching Kabru get out of bed and stretch his arms and legs as he picked up a change of clothes and his toiletry bag. He didn't have to put on a bathrobe this time, since Falin wasn't home yet, having slept over at Marcille's. "I'll go make breakfast," he offered, following Kabru out of the bedroom.
He prepared a simple breakfast, just a bunch of cheese-and-ham and cheese-and-tomato sandwiches – probably more than was necessary. He put two of the tomato sandwiches inside Kabru's lunch box, along with two hard-boiled eggs, a bunch of chocolate bars, and an apple he rinsed off in the sink. After some consideration, he also added a banana and a tangerine, as well as some string cheese and a small sausage. Thankfully, Kabru's lunch box was big enough to fit all of that food inside. It was the most important factor in his mind when he picked it out. The second most important thing was, obviously, the colour. It was the same shade of blue as Kabru's eyes, which pleased him.
Kabru seemed significantly less tired once he came out of the bathroom. His face was still a little wet, but not from tears this time – he simply missed some spots when he patted it down with a towel. He would probably notice it when he went back into the bathroom to brush his teeth. Hopefully he wouldn't fret about it too much, though. Laios appreciated things like that a lot, for reasons he didn't fully understand. Crumbs and traces of toothpaste in the corner of Kabru's mouth. Beads of perspiration on his forehead. A stray lock of hair sticking out from the rest. A sweaty stain on his underpants. Kabru was always beautiful, but those things were uniquely attractive.
He was also unusually hungry, too. He devoured two sandwiches, one after another, without so much as taking a break to make small talk. Laios watched him in awe, resting his cheeks in his hands, his eyes twinkling, delighted to see butter smeared on the tip of Kabru's nose, so distracted and enamoured that he barely touched his own sandwich, chewing endlessly.
"I still dislike this part the most," Kabru said, wearing a sad smile, once he brushed his teeth and washed his face all over again. He sat down to put on his shoes, and one could think this was what he meant, but Laios knew that it was just another reminder that he was about to leave. "It never gets any easier. Especially not," Kabru said, his lip quivering, "after a dream of that kind."
"Oh, yeah." Laios nodded absent-mindedly, playing along. Wonder if Kabru was picturing another one of his possible deaths right now. "But I'll see you on Sunday, right? That's not a long time."
Kabru turned towards him, puzzled. "Sunday? Why Sunday?"
"Huh? It's Falin's birthday." Laios scratched the back of his head. "I thought you knew."
"Oh. It is, isn't it?" Kabru stroked his bottom lip, furrowing his brow. "Of course, I remember that you told me your birthdays are close, but I'm not sure if you disclosed the exact date. That said, I would love to come," Kabru said, smiling awkwardly, "but I'm afraid I wasn't invited."
"You weren't? Ah, Falin probably forgot to tell you." That sounded like something Falin would do. Then again... The last time she talked to Kabru, it was still technically Laios' birthday, so she probably didn't want to mention her own. But there was also a third explanation, and that one made the most sense. "Ah, she probably figured I'd remind you. That's what it is."
"You think so?" Kabru frowned. "I would hate to show up uninvited."
"Knowing Falin," Laios mused, closing his eyes, "she probably didn't think that she had to invite you, just like she doesn't have to invite me. She figured you'd show up anyway. I mean, you're my boyfriend," he reminded shyly. "To Falin, that means you're family, so..."
"Really?" Kabru covered his mouth, and it was obvious that he was hiding a smile. "Well, in that case..." He cleared his throat. "I suppose I'll consider myself invited. What time should I come?"
"Uhh..." Laios furrowed his brow. "I didn't ask..." Falin and Marcille probably had some plans he didn't know about. He didn't consider it any of his business. It was enough to know that he'd see her at one point or another. But Kabru wasn't the kind of person who would be satisfied with that. "But!" he added quickly, raising his hands. "It, uh, it should be fine if you show up around the same time as my birthday! If you're too early," he suggested, "you can help me set everything up."
Kabru stood up and picked up his bag. "All right. Three in the afternoon, then." Laios nodded, relieved. "I will have to find a suitable gift..." murmured Kabru, reluctantly.
"Oh! Falin likes a lot of things," Laios assured him, putting his hand on Kabru's shoulder, "so you can give her anything and she'll be happy." That was true. The only times Falin ever complained were when he got something cooler than her which, to be fair, was the case this time, but it was his birthday. "She likes bugs, and dragons," he listed off, "and mushrooms, and stuff..."
Kabru laughed. "I'll figure something out, I suppose. I'll see you on Sunday, then."
"Ah! Wait, I almost forgot!" Laios said, and stomped back into his room. "I've got something for you!" he exclaimed, rushing back towards Kabru, who stared at him in surprise. "I asked Chilchuck for a favour, and I forgot about it until now, but I want you to have this," he explained quickly, putting something in Kabru's palm. "I'm so glad I remembered!" he sighed.
"What is this...?" Kabru asked, opening his palm. His breath hitched when he saw it. "Is this...?"
"Yeah. I promised I'd give you a spare key, right?" Laios scratched the back of his neck as he spoke, looking away. "I don't know if I'll get the job at your library, or anywhere else, but I'll keep looking, so I won't always be home. If you're hungry or wanna take a bath, or if you just don't wanna be at your place," he mumbled awkwardly, "you can come inside and wait for me, I guess."
Kabru looked at the key for a few moments, mouth agape. He hesitated before putting it in his pocket. He patted it to make sure that the key was there. "Thank you," he said weakly, and buried his face against Laios' chest. "I will make sure not to lose it."
"That's fine. I lost mine a bunch of times before. I'll just get you another one," Laios said soberly. Kabru got on his tip-toes and gave him a kiss. Before Laios could so much as kiss him back, he was already out the door. Ah, right. He would probably be late for work otherwise.
In a daze, Laios headed back to his bedroom. He should probably clean up now, rather than later, before Falin came home. And he would start with the blackboard, which he brought out two days ago and hadn't yet put back. It was put against the bookshelf, facing away from him. Not being sure if he wiped it clean before, he turned it around to check, and subsequently dropped to his knees.
I LOVE YOU, was written on the blackboard , over and over, covering the entire surface in Kabru's pretty, meticulous handwriting. I LOVE YOU.