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He should be able to think about something else, anything else really.
Up until a few days before all Buck had really been able to think about was whether he should call Tommy, followed by what flavour loaf he should make next (and honestly, he was running out of new recipes). Ever since that day, all he could think about was Texas.
How far it was from LA, how long it would take to get there, how often you could visit between the two without being impractical and overly expensive. How often would he be able to talk to Eddie if they were states apart and on opposite shifts, if Buck was trying to date in his spare time and Eddie was trying to improve his relationship with Christopher enough to get him back under his roof? How long before the spaces between their contact got longer and longer? How long before Buck became just 'some guy I used to work with in LA' or he was using phrases to describe Eddie like 'we used to be pretty close once'?
The more he spiralled into his thoughts the more he felt a nauseating swirling in his gut.
He couldn't lose Eddie.
They had been so codependent for so long (and the more he thought about it the more he realised that's exactly what they had become) that he no longer knew what his life looked like without Eddie in it, and it made him ache even to wonder.
Eddie could tell that something was going on with him, of course he could. Eddie always knew when something was turning its way around in his head.
This time seemed different though. Instead of just asking him to spill what was on his mind he looked almost guilty, like he knew what it was and wasn't quite ready to have that conversation, was content to let him put up the fake smile and act supportive.
They did talk about it after Buck discovered him looking at real estate in El Paso. It wasn't like they could ignore it or pretend it didn't happen, and Buck wanted to be supportive so he didn’t say one bad word. He knew just how much losing Chris had affected Eddie.
He was there when he left with Eddie's parents (parents who gave Buck as much of a cold chill as his own) and Eddie had tried to hold himself together. Buck had stayed and ordered them pizza, not wanting to leave him alone after that, not that they did much talking. He could tell Eddie was holding back his heartache, even if he couldn't hold in the tears that streamed silently down his cheeks as they watched a movie. It was something light and funny but neither of them had laughed when they usually would have.
He hadn't really been the same after that, and Buck couldn't blame him.
So, when he had seen the house listings and Eddie had told him where they were he had held back the panic that rose up his throat and burned on the back of his tongue. He swallowed it down and asked Eddie to show him where he was looking, asked him what he liked about the places, told him when something didn't seem right or where the kitchen looked too small and cramped. He had made it as easy as he could, with as little awkwardness as he could muster, and he never said the words that were screaming and clawing at his teeth from where they sat clenched tight in his mouth. You can't go, you can't leave me.
Instead, he held them inside and made sure they didn't slip out over the next few shifts, ignored a message or two that he would have usually replied to so casually. And Eddie let him.
Buck was willing to bet anything it's because he knew (as he always did) that it wasn't going to be an easy conversation to have if he let Buck say what he really meant.
But things weren’t normal between them. In a way, that was saying just as much as if he opened his big mouth. And it was getting harder and harder not to.
They were supposed to spend time together on Friday night to watch a football game and Buck had been acting like they were still on as planned all shift. But two hours before he was supposed to head over to Eddie’s, he texted him to cancel.
He didn’t trust himself to keep up the supportive act when it was just the two of them.
As he stood in his kitchen instead, staring into the fridge and contemplating what he could bake with half a cup of milk and two eggs, there was a knock at his door.
He wasn’t expecting anyone, and until he reached the door he didn’t even consider that his best friend might be on the other side of it.
But he opened the door and there was Eddie, head tilted slightly to the side with one hand in his pocket and the other holding a six pack.
“You’re avoiding me,” he said matter-of-factly.
Buck let out a deep sigh. He knew better than to lie to Eddie’s face, especially now.
“Yeah,” he said. “I’m avoiding you.”
Eddie nodded towards the inside of the apartment and gave Buck an expectant look. He gave him a weak smile as he stepped back to let him in.
He walked towards the kitchen counter, turning slowly as he put the beer down.
“You can say it you know,” he said.
Buck’s smile turned bashful as he looked down at the floor and walked closer. As usual, he’d hidden nothing from Eddie. He reached out to take the bottle in Eddie’s hand, twisting it open and taking a sip.
“No,” he shook his head, leaning against the counter as he looked back at him. “I can’t.”
“Buck,” Eddie said, taking in a breath and looking at him with soft pleading eyes. “You’ve been acting off since last week. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”
“No, I know you have,” he sighed.
“You know why I have to do this,” Eddie said, and Buck bit down hard on his bottom lip. “You know what it’s been like for me these last few months.”
“Of course I know,” Buck said. “Which is exactly why I’m not saying it. Anything I have to say… it doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it matters,” Eddie’s brow furrowed as he looked back at him. “Why would you say that what you think doesn’t matter?”
“Because how I feel about you leaving LA means nothing,” Buck shook his head. “What matters is you being closer to Christopher. If that means you… moving back to El Paso, then that’s… a choice you need to make.”
He had been supportive in helping him look at houses, but that didn’t mean he could tell him it was a good idea, or the right idea. All Eddie needed to know was that Buck supported him. God knows he needed that, to have someone in his corner no matter what, not to just tell him what they thought was best. He had enough of that already.
“But you think I shouldn’t do it?” he asked, filling in the blanks Buck had so far refused to put into words. “That’s why you won’t say it, right? Because you think if you say I shouldn’t make the move it’ll make it harder for me?”
Buck didn’t answer him, he just picked at the label of his beer and bit down on the inside of his cheek.
“I know you don’t want to be a burden or put yourself in the way of anything Buck, but believe it or not your opinion is one of those things that I rate pretty highly,” he said, giving Buck a shrug and not looking back at him.
It made Buck look up with narrow eyes and crease between his brows.
“Are you asking me to tell you not to go?” he said carefully.
“So that’s what you think,” Eddie looked back. “That moving there is a mistake.”
“Those are your words,” Buck shook his head. “Not mine.”
“But you do,” Eddie pushed, and Buck felt himself huff out through his nose. “You think it’s the wrong move.”
“I just think moving is a pretty drastic step,” he said calmly.
“Well what am I supposed to do Buck?” Eddie said, his frustration finally boiling over, and even though Buck knew it wasn’t really aimed at him, he couldn’t help but bite back.
“Go out there and talk to him! Tell your parents thank you but he’s coming home now,” he said, and Eddie just scoffed, shaking his head and gesturing out with his hand.
“And what? Alienate him further?”
Buck could see the frustration in his eyes, but he could see the desperation too, the sadness and helplessness that had only been growing in the last few months.
“He’s the kid, you’re his dad,” Buck said softly.
“Doesn’t mean I should just dictate to him what he should be doing, he’s getting older, he needs… space, as much as he needs someone guiding him,” Eddie said, letting his own voice come down with him.
“When I was a kid, I would have killed for my dad to try as hard as you are now,” Buck shook his head, and it was Eddie’s turn to let out the shadow of a laugh.
“This is a little different to that Buck,” he said with a dry smile. “You wanted your parents to notice you, Christopher barely wants to talk to me.”
“Yeah, well your parents are pretty shitty if they aren’t even trying to help,” Buck said.
Eddie opened his mouth to say something but closed it again, searching for a way to respond to that.
“They took him in,” he said, his voice sounding low and defeated. “Gave him a roof over his head at the drop of a hat-”
“Don’t defend them,” Buck cut in with a scoff. “Don’t act like they did that for you, it’s what they wanted from the start. That’s not helping, that’s feeding their own agenda. If they gave a shit, they’d be helping you to get him back. They wouldn’t be trying to make him a permanent home down there.”
Eddie’s mouth hung open just enough for Buck to feel the heat in his cheeks and feel a pang of regret. He told himself he wasn’t going to get involved like this. He was just going to support Eddie where he needed it, he didn’t need Buck coming in and making it worse by telling him how he felt about the Diaz’s.
But, he came over pushing and prodding and Eddie knew Buck. Eventually if he pressed hard enough, he would let out anything he was holding in.
“Wow, tell me what you really think Buck,” he said with the hint of a smile on his lips.
“Hey,” he gestured back at him with his bottle before putting it to his lips. “You asked me to.”
He took a long swig and Eddie sighed, doing the same before putting his bottle down on the counter.
“I guess I did,” he said, running both hands over his face and dragging them back down his cheeks. “Sorry, I… sorry, I didn’t come here to pick a fight with you.”
“No?” Buck said, a little more accusingly than he meant to.
“No. Look I’m not exactly thrilled about the idea, but I feel like I’m out of options, like this is all I’ve got left,” he looked back to Buck like he was asking him for the answer.
Buck wished he had it. Wished more than anything that he had an easy answer that got Christopher back and meant Eddie didn’t have to go. But he was afraid that they were headed down a path that meant only one of those things could be true at the same time.
He knew how much this hurt Eddie, to have to make the choice. To go back to the place where he was raised, and where he felt trapped, the place he made the brave choice to escape from when he needed it. He hated the idea of Eddie going back to that, to putting himself back in a box that was built for him by somebody else.
It wasn’t his place to say anything, but he needed Eddie to know he didn’t just have to give up on what was best for him too.
“You told me once that no one would fight for him like I do,” he said softly, and Eddie’s shoulders tensed as Buck brought up the thing that they don’t really talk about.
The conversation from the hospital after the shooting. They don’t talk about that. Never really have. It was that thing that sometimes hung in the air between them, sometimes made Buck feel like he was part of something more than just himself, and sometimes made him feel sick in the pit of his stomach.
Because he couldn’t imagine a world where Eddie wasn’t in the same state as he was, let alone where he didn’t exist at all.
“Well, that’s what I think you should do. Fight for him to come home. And talk to your parents, they should be helping you bring him back, not setting him up a life without you in it.”
He looked into Eddie’s deep brown eyes for a moment more, locking him there in his gaze until he finally turned away, dragging his teeth over his lip and turning the bottle in his hands around and around and around.
“But whatever you choose to do I’ll support you Eds. If that means you moving to El Paso then… I meant it when I said I’d help you” he said, swallowing down the lump in his throat. “No matter how I feel.”
Eddie didn’t respond for a moment, finally looking up at Buck from under his eyelashes.
“How do you feel?”
“I think I was pretty clear.”
“No, you told me what you think,” he said, resting his elbow on the counter and putting his bottle down. “Not what you feel.”
“Aren’t they the same thing?” Buck shrugged.
“No Buck, they’re not,” he said softly. “I know you, I know there’s more you’re not saying.”
Buck turned his eyes down, picking at the skin beside his thumbnail and giving his head only the slightest of shakes, like he still didn't want to say it. His mouth opened and closed, his tongue wet his bottom lip, all the while still not looking up at Eddie.
"What do I have if you leave?" he said finally, soft and defeated.
Eddie wasn't sure what he had been expecting him to say, but he hadn't been expecting the way it would hook under his ribs and tug on his insides. He still wasn't looking up at him and Eddie's fingers twitched as he stopped himself from reaching out to him.
"Buck," he said gently. "Don't be ridiculous, you have so much here."
Finally, he looked up, blue eyes filled with something akin to fear.
"I'm not being ridiculous," he said calmly, eyes now pleading as if he were trying to get Eddie to understand him just by looking into them.
Eddie eyes him carefully. How could he possibly think that? It was a ridiculous statement as far as he was concerned. Eddie leaving wasn't the be-all-end-all in his life. He had so much more in this home he'd built in LA.
"Well, what about Maddie? Hmm?" he offered, raising an eyebrow. "Bobby?"
"Maddie has her own family with Chim, so does Bobby, and Hen."
"Oh and I don't?"
He said it with an exaggerated raise of his brow, draw a smile or an eye roll out of him, but his face didn't change
"You know that's not what I'm saying."
He had done this more times than he could count, talked Buck down of a ledge he'd managed to scramble onto. This one felt different. He had always been there for Buck to come to when he needed someone to talk him down, had been a stable pillar of support (just as Buck had been for him) almost ever since they'd met. How was he supposed to talk him down now knowing that the one thing that he could say to comfort him would no longer be true. I'll always be right here, Buck.
"Your whole life is here Buck, everyone you care about," he said softly. "You know that."
"Not if you leave!" he said, and Eddie could see the hurt and pain and sadness in his eyes, he wasn't trying to hide it anymore. "If you leave then I really am alone, or worse, a sad third wheel to the rest of their lives while they have their own families. I'm just lonely, unlovable... sad Uncle Buck."
"You are not sad Uncle Buck," Eddie shook his head. "And how exactly does me leaving change you from this Buck to that one? Me leaving doesn't change anything about your life."
He was trying to keep his tone light, to give Buck one of the smiles he usually does when he's trying to convince Buck that he's overthinking things, but it wasn't having its usual effect. Somehow, it made Buck look even sadder.
"It changes everything," he said with a thick swallow, a slight shake of his head. "I would never ask you not to go, never. You know that. Doesn't mean that it's not running through my head on repeat. But I don't want to be that selfish guy and tell you that you can't just leave me here, Eddie. Because you have to go, and I know that. It's not about me."
"Buck..." he said with a sigh that was slightly too impatient. "It's not like-"
He cut himself off as he realised the words that were about to come out of his mouth. The rest of the sentence got stuck in his throat, and he wasn't even entirely sure why.
"It's not like what?" he asked curiously, head tilted as he stared back.
"Like we're-" Eddie made a gesture with his hand and all of a sudden he was looking back at Buck without meeting his eyes, locking them on his chin instead.
"We're... what?" Buck took a step forward.
Silence had never been awkward between them, and god knows they could say anything to each other. Silence had never had any tangible weight, but as they sat staring back at one another it felt like a pulsing force instead of an empty space.
His eyes flicked to Buck's for just a moment as he pursed his lips, holding the breath in his chest. He tried to say it, really, he did. But he felt a warmth flush down the back of his neck.
"You can say it," Buck said, the curiosity sparkling in his ocean blue eyes. "We're not that, you can say it, it's true."
"I..." Eddie said, floundering.
Just say the words, why is that so hard? He thought to himself. It's not like we're a couple, it's not like there's something more between us.
But he couldn't do it. Somewhere between his brain and his heart and his mouth, the words were stuck.
He felt his heart pound in his chest like it was trying to push them up and out, but they wouldn't budge.
Buck watched the way Eddie struggled to finish his sentence.
He should be able to just say it, he thought. Why can't he just say it? He stepped in again, looking over Eddie's features like he was trying to find a reason why. Was it because he felt guilty saying that when Buck had only recently been dumped? Didn't want to rub salt in the wound? Was it because it was such a foreign concept to think about?
Or was there something else behind his words?
Buck waited, expecting something to finally come out, but it didn't. Eddie's lips were parted, like he was still trying, but all they were doing were facilitating his heavy breaths. And now they were standing just inches apart, Buck's eyes searching Eddie's perilously for the answer. And surely he was imagining things if he saw a kind of familiar darkness creep into them, the kind he had seen in many people in the past, but never in Eddie, never for him.
Eddie's eyes dropped momentarily down to his lips, and he felt the spark click to ignition inside him.
Buck inched himself closer, waiting for Eddie to pull himself out of his orbit and say the words, make them concrete, but he didn't move. And then Buck was leaning in, his hand reaching hesitantly for Eddie's cheek and chin, fingers skating over his skin in a way they'd never done before, and still Eddie wasn't dragging himself away. Instead, his eyelids were drooping closed, his parted lips taking in a slow breath as Buck closed the distance between them with his own.
At first it was just a brush, hardly even definable as a kiss. It was a test, an inquiry as to whether both sets of lips even fit together like this, whether it even felt like a kiss. It happened so fast, and so slow that Buck felt like he was waiting so long for Eddie to register the action.
That was, until he felt the pressure of his lips on his own, the flex of his jaw under his fingertips
Eddie was kissing him back.
This was a kiss.
And, oh, Buck's lips zinged with static that threatened to sting but never quite followed through. Oh, he felt the buzz of it trickle down his throat and into his chest, tendrils of warmth tickling over his ribs and wrapping around him as he parted his lips to move them with Eddies, slow and hesitant and unsure and oh.
This? This, was a kiss.
His hand cradled Eddie's face and he forgot all of the trepidation he'd felt only moments before, the hand at his side pressing down flat and firm, keeping them close as though he was in danger of disappearing in the moment without something to ground him.
"Buck... I'm..." Eddie said in the space between their lips.
Buck opened his eyes, but Eddie's were still closed, lips still parted, waiting.
"What?" he said in a whisper that made Eddie's chest expand in a deep breath that Buck felt as it grazed his own.
He let his thumb draw back until it was pressed against the corner of Eddie's beautiful mouth, and he searched his features as Eddie's head moved slowly side to side. And then his hands were rising between them, fingertips grazing the sides of his neck and sending the static fizzling down both sides.
"Buck," he repeated his name again, and Buck tilted his chin upwards, so their bottom lips were brushing one another. "I'm straight."
He said the words, but they had no meaning in Buck's ears, especially as Eddie's fingers crept to the back of his neck and his body closed the distance between them.
"Okay," his eyes closed as Eddie's lips crashed into him again, warm and searching and comfortable in a way a kiss had never been for him before.
Buck's tongue barely reached out for Eddie's before he felt it hot and tender and insistent, taking more and demanding the taste of Buck's mouth like he might starve without it. He slipped his arm further around Eddie until it was flat against his back, holding their bodies in place while the panic began to wake in his belly as he realised that nothing had ever felt like this before, and before he had really and truly had it, he was going to lose it.
Buck chased the feeling of Eddie's kiss, leaning into him and pulling him closer, feeling the way Eddie was breathing him in and sighing into his lips. He took an involuntary step backwards and his hip met the hard edge of the counter, breaking the kind of trance they had been in. Eddie's eyes flew open, he pulled his lips back. His deep brown eyes stared back into Buck's and his face cycled through the emotions as his hands still held firmly to the back of Buck's neck. Want, desire, shock, fear, pain. Guilt.
His brow furrowed and he closed his eyes tight with a shake of his head.
"Damn it Buck," he said, jaw clenched as a heavy sigh fell from his lips.
"What?" he asked so quietly that the panic he had held off began to rise.
Eddie looked back at him, he looked so sad and uncertain and in that moment, more vulnerable than perhaps he had ever seen him. But Eddie didn't let him go, and his gaze softened, because he wished like hell Buck hadn't done that.
He had been so sure of what he needed to do, so sure his decision had been the right one. Then one kiss from Buck and all of it was turned on its head.
"Just..." he searched his eyes and let out a gentle breath. "Damn it."
He detangled himself from Buck who took a step back and just watched Eddie's reaction to see if he could make any sense of it.
Eddie knew it hadn't been Buck's intention to change his mind when he'd come over. He wasn't even sure that Buck had ever imagined kissing him before today. But he knew in his heart and the pit of his stomach that leaving Buck was going to break his heart in an entirely new way.
That was already the only part of leaving LA that left him feeling physically unwell. Now it seemed clear as to why.
He had thought it was just because he knew Buck had issues with abandonment, and he had done everything he could since he'd come into his life to let him know that he would never leave him. He'd known Buck would be hurt, it's why he didn't tell him about moving earlier and why he tried to hide the listings from him when he'd made his impromptu visit with more baked goods than Eddie could ever possibly eat by himself. It was bad timing, him planning to leave when Buck had just been left alone again, but time always seemed to be against them in one way or another.
Now, he would be going to Texas to chase half his heart, and leave the other half here in LA.
What was he supposed to do now? Make the move and ask Buck to wait for him? He would never do that, not after what waiting for Abby did to him. Did he change his plans and stay in LA? He couldn't, he needed to make sure he didn't miss any more of Christopher's life. But was he really going to be able to do it without Buck? He couldn't ask him to come, contrary to Buck's belief, the rest of his life really was here in LA. He couldn't ask him to uproot all that for him, he wasn't worth putting him through that, and he wasn't selfish enough to ask. At least not long term...
Maybe Buck was right, maybe he needed to do more to stand up to his parents, get them to help him rather than letting them make all the decisions. Christopher was still his child after all. But he didn't want to alienate him further either, taking him away from family he loved and new friends, a new life.
He felt dizzy, he felt physically unwell, he felt... his ears were ringing, and his heartbeat felt like it was coming from his belly, his diaphragm, his ears. He felt Buck's hands in his, guiding him over to the armchair and helping him to sit, kneeling in front of him with large, warm hands rubbing from his knees up to the middle of his thigh and back.
He was panicking, something he thought he had worked himself out of in therapy (that admittedly he had not been going to as much as he should have been lately). Buck was talking to him, he could tell from the way he was moving his lips and looking back at him with concern.
Eddie closed his eyes and put his hands over Buck's, making them still before he was running his fingers up over his forearms, his biceps, grounding himself in his touch and steadying his breathing until the sound came back to his ears and his heartbeat was a dull thud, thud, thud.
"Just breathe through it, Eds?" he looked up to see Buck's concerned eyes on him. "Shit, Eddie I'm sorry."
Eddie was still breathing heavily as he looked back with confusion.
"Sorry?" he asked.
Buck nodded, tearing his eyes away but not taking his hands off Eddie's thighs, as though he was trying to ground himself as well.
"That was exceptionally bad timing, I didn't even know I was going to do that, I shouldn't have..."
Now he was closing his eyes tightly, sinking his teeth down into his lip. He looked like he was the one about to plummet into a panic, and somehow that made Eddie's heartbeat slowly begin to return to normal. He gave Buck's arms a gentle squeeze.
"You don't need to apologise," he said softly.
Buck let out a heavy sigh and shook his head.
"We don't... ever have to do that again, that was um... I don't know why I did that," Buck said without looking up to meet Eddie's eyes. "You can just forget that I-"
"No, I-" he said as he cut him off, and this time Buck's eyes did have a glimmer of hope in them, and it made Eddie's ears flush. "I umm... I think we should, do it again."
"Yeah?" he asked, voice lilting upwards.
"I don't really know uh... I've never, um," he fumbled, and then his eyes were lingering on Buck's lips as he gestured back at him.
"Yeah," Buck smiled. "I have some experience with that feeling."
"Yeah," he said in a breathy sigh.
Buck leant in tentatively and Eddie closed the distance between them, feeling Buck's relieved sigh fan out over his cheeks.
Kissing Buck felt different than kissing anyone else. To start, there was the physical feeling of it, the sharp scratch of his stubble against him, the weight of his hands, first against his cheeks and now where they sat firm and squeezing just above his knees. No one he had ever kissed had felt like this, and he found it oddly comforting. It felt like he could let himself go, relax into him and know that Buck would hold him up in any way he needed, he didn't have to keep himself strong or composed. He could be vulnerable and there was no fear in that, because Buck already knew all the ugly things in his past, and even when something new reared its head he never tossed him aside or made him feel like maybe he was too much to handle.
He was on his side in every circumstance, even when it was a detriment to himself. Even when he was wrong.
He had never kissed anyone knowing all of that beforehand.
Maybe that's why it felt so natural despite being so foreign.
Because it was Buck.
Maybe it had always been Buck.
He pulled his lips back with another sigh, sitting back in the chair again and just looking at Buck where he still knelt before him.
"You think Bobby will give both of us time off at once?" he asked, and Buck's eyebrows knit in confusion.
"Uh, maybe? Why?" he asked.
"Come with me? To Texas," he said, and Buck's brows rose. "For a visit. I want to try talking to Chris. You're right, I need to stop letting my parents tell me what's right for him. I want... I want..."
He sighed, leaning back in the chair and taking his hands off Buck to run one of them through his hair.
"Maybe it doesn't matter what I want," he said quietly.
"Of course it matters Eddie," Buck said. "It should matter to your parents too. You're their kid."
Looking down at Buck he felt an itch under his skin. Buck knew all too well what it was like to have parents who put the wants of their kid on the backburner to their own agenda.
"Yeah well, I think it's about time we had that conversation," he said.
He was tired of tiptoeing around, standing back and saying nothing because his mother didn't think the time was right or his father questioned his decisions. If he did it for too much longer he was going to lose more of Chris, not bring him back. He'd had space, Eddie wasn't sure space was helping them anymore.
"And you want me to go with you?" he said, and Eddie nodded.
"I could use a-" he paused again, the word stuck like they had been earlier, but this time he swallowed down as the right words came to him. "You. I need you."
"Of course," Buck said, without hesitation. "Whatever you need."
Eddie gave him a relieved smile before motioning to him with a little 'hey' and Buck was getting to his feet, followed by Eddie, who leaned in to wrap his arms around Buck. He tucked his face into the crook of his neck as he felt Buck's arms envelop him, holding him so tightly in his embrace that Eddie finally let out his held breath. He closed his eyes and felt the strangest sensation, almost like relief.
"Thank you," he mumbled into his shoulder as Buck's face pressed against his temple, feeling his lips brush his skin as they mumbled out a soft 'nothing to thank me for'.
They stayed like that for what felt like the longest time before Eddie was releasing his grip and Buck was stepping back quickly like Eddie might tell him to give him space to breath.
Eddie hesitantly reached out for Buck’s hand instead and they both looked down to where their fingers held tightly to the other, a spark shooting upwards from the touch. He let out a steadying breath and swallowed slowly.
"This doesn't mean I'm not moving," he said cautiously, looking at Buck and hoping like hell he wasn't giving him the kind of hope or promise he couldn't keep. "Not yet, I..."
"I know," Buck said, and he could tell in his eyes that he meant it. "I know."
"I don't want to, but if I'm going to make things worse dragging him back here-"
"Eddie," Buck gave his hand a squeeze. "I know."
"Okay," Eddie said with a sigh. "Okay."
A silence hung in the air, but considering everything new and changed between them, there was no awkwardness. Only the same stabilising comfort that always existed between them.
"Do you want to uh, put on that game? Look at some flight options?" Eddie asked.
"Yeah, I can do that," Buck smiled, that bright, shining smile that sometimes had Eddie wondering if anyone else really got to see it like he did. "As long as we can order pizza or something, I'm starving."
Eddie chuckled, giving him a light roll of his eyes, because of course he was.
"I think that's fair, unless you want some baked goods, this guy dropped off a whole basket of them the other day," he said with a grin, knowing Buck probably had a stash of his own in his fridge and making Buck's cheeks flush.
"What a weirdo," he said as he plopped himself down on the couch.
Eddie shrugged, taking his phone out of his pocket and looking up at Buck from under his eyelashes.
"He's not so bad."