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# "Are you hanging up your stocking on your wall?
It's the time that every Santa has a ball...." #
Nobody else was occupying the sleeping quarters at that moment in time. Despite the fact that the entire ship was about the size of a city, it was still impossible to get away from everybody for a while.
But for now Dave Lister simply had a moment by himself, and in these single solitary minutes he could do whatever he liked.
That was, until, he heard the door slide open behind him. He couldn't see a face but he could hear the rhythmic metallic thuds getting closer to him, which could only be the footsteps of someone in particular.
He chuckled to himself, "Is that you, Kryten?"
"Oh I'm sorry to bother you, Mr Lister, Sir!" came the reply of the eternally-nervous droid, "Just thought I'd give your quarters a bit of a tidy! Won't take long!"
As Kryten occupied himself with sweeping the floor, it did take him a moment to realise what was being played. He suddenly paused and turned his attention to the small TV that was resting on the table, with what appeared to be a video of some strange men playing on its crackly screen.
He shook his head, "I don't mean to pry, Sir.... but what is the purpose of this particular movie? There doesn't seem to be much of a plot, nothing really happens except for that man with the long hair shouting at the screen.... why I can't even make any sense of his words!"
Lister shook his head, smiling, "No it's a music video, Kryten. He's singing. Look at him - having a great time!"
Kryten nodded, "Ah, I understand now. Music - one of the many human joys I don't seem to quite grasp myself. But nonetheless, I will enjoy some 'music' with you right now!"
And just like that, the droid sat down on the bed next to him and stared at the screen intently, his eyes fixed to the screen.
# "So here it is, Merry Christmas!
Everybody's having fun
Look to the future now...." #
Kryten chuckled to himself, "Ah, rather humorous, isn't it? 'Look to the future', how could we possibly look to the future all the way out here, when we clearly don't have one ourselves?"
The droid began laughing hysterically, his face screwed up in amusement.
Noticing the look on his companion's face (somewhere between shock, disbelief and maybe slight disappointment), he then shook his head, "My apologies. I must've forgotten my Tact Chip."
"It's alright, man. It's just.... this is a Christmas song. Realistically, it should be December already over here already and... it's almost Christmas! It's just mental, I haven't celebrated Christmas in years. Not once.... and I think I just miss it around this time of year."
He waited for Kryten to reply, but he didn't for a while, so he chose to stare at his hands instead.
Until he finally nodded, "I understand how you feel, Sir. I would like to have a Christmas too..."
He hesitated at first, but then Lister looked up at him, silently urging him to continue, so he did, "You see, back on the Nova 5, the crewmates all celebrated Christmas amongst each other. As a service mechanoid, I was only activated when they needed me, so I only really got to clean up after the parties and feasts were over...."
The memories reeled around in his circuits, fizzing like the sparkliest of champagne, "Naturally, the best part of a party is getting to tidy up afterwards and put all the cutlery back in it's proper places - everybody knows that! So really I was the luckiest of them all.... but sometimes I do almost wish I could've participated in the holiday festivities along with everybody else."
Lister hadn't even considered this - any of it. He knew about Kryten's old life on the Nova 5, but hadn't even considered how he was treated during his time on the ship or how he felt about his entire situation. He'd never asked, really.
He nodded thoughtfully, turning to face his newest friend, "Well then, if you could have the chance to have any Christmas tradition this year, what would you go for? Can you think of anything a mechanoid could enjoy?"
The droid frowned for a moment, the gears in his head clicking, "Well, let me see now.... I don't think I could ever consume a Christmas dinner, and I have no knowledge on the correct way to decorate a tree.... but you know what? You know what I've always wanted to see for myself?"
"Name it, Kryten!"
"....Christmas lights. I have always wanted to gaze upon all those sparkling lights, I have just never gotten the chance to witness them. Never, in all my years."
Lister instantly got to his feet, a grin on his face, "Kryten.... by the time this holiday is finally here, you will have seen some smegging lights. You have my word!"
☆☆☆
One foot in front of the other, Arnold Rimmer strode down the long corridors, eyes flitting across every inch of the lifeless walls. Until he found it.
The perfect place.
He turned on his heel, swivelling right back over to the poor scutters, who were clutching a large photo frame in their pincers.
"Right, I've found it! This is perfect, absolutely splendid! It will look at its best right about.... here."
With that, he motioned with his homogramatic hands over at a certain spot high up on the wall. The scutters tried to reach upwards to attach the framed certificate where he was pointing, but it seemed too impossible for two small androids. As they reached higher, they began to stumble. Clearly, this guy had forgotten that they're not quite tall enough!
"What are you doing?! Hang it up before you drop it!" the hologram barked at them.
But it was no use. As soon as they slipped again, the frame slid out of their grasp and smashed to the ground. Rimmer buried his face in his hands, completely exasperated. But his situation was about to get worse still.
With that, Lister approached him, grinning.
"Alright, smeghead?" He chuckled to himself, until he glanced at Rimmer's face, and then at the smashed photo frame on the floor. Raising an eyebrow, he crouched down and carefully pulled apart the glass until he caught a glimpse of the photo inside. What he saw made him laugh, much to Rimmer's annoyance.
He pulled it out and shoved it in front of the hologram's face, "Now, why on earth.... are you trying to frame....this?"
It was one of Rimmer's swimming certificates.
Still shaking with laughter, Lister shook his head, "Haven't you got about fifty million of these plastered all over our sleeping quarters? Why do you need one here as well?"
"Well, there aren't nearly enough around here, in my opinion! This desolate rust bucket practically demands more evidence of my achievements...."
As Rimmer gazed off down the corridor with that annoying gleam in his eye, his unconvinced bunkmate simply shook his head again, "What, more evidence that some geezer named Arnold knows how to swim?"
His face curled in annoyance, the geezer named Arnold in question turned away from him, "Well, not just that! I've had the scutters frame many other certificates of mine too!" He motioned to a large pile of frames lying on the ground further away, "Holly printed extra copies out last night, and soon the entire ship will be covered in them."
Lister rolled his eyes, still grinning to himself, "Yeah yeah.... anyways, why don't you come with me? I'm heading off to the attic to search for some Christmas lights, and I could use an extra pair of eyes."
But Rimmer had already turned his attention back to the photo frames, "No no no, I'm far too busy, can't you see?" He answered distractedly, motioning to the scutters, "Why don't you ask that smegging cat? I'm sure he knows where the...."
He trailed off for a moment, then turned back to Lister, an eyebrow raised, "And why exactly *are* you searching for Christmas lights, anyway?"
"Oh, just for Kryten. He's never seen them before, so I thought he should get to, you know?"
Rimmer shook his head, "An utterly bizarre request if you ask me, Listy.... but still I know better than to question it," he clicked his translucent fingers at the scutters, who wheeled forward with another framed certificate clutched in their pincers, "I don't understand it, Christmas and all that.... just seems a bit pointless, another excuse to get free things and eat a load of crap."
Lister shook his head, "I didn't think you'd get it, smeghead. Anyways, I'd best be off!"
With a spring in his step, he bounded off towards the Cat's quarters in the opposite direction. If Rimmer wasn't going to be much help, at least he knew of one other person who could.
But the hologram called after him, "Wait a minute! Wouldn't you rather help *me*? Lister? LISTER!"
It was no use, he was already miles away.
☆☆☆
Lister found it a lot easier to rummage through huge piles of old boxes with the Cat by his side. With the promise of many fish and lots of new shiny things, his feline friend couldn't resist giving him a hand. After all, he was pretty good at finding lost things, or so he says.
Either way, it was better to get an extra pair of hands to sort through everything.
"Cheers, Cat! Glad I've got you here with me." Lister grinned.
"Sure thing, buddy!" came Cat's reply from behind a huge wall of boxes, "If Alphabet Head won't give you a hand with these things, you can always count on your good old friend, The Cat!"
Shifting a few extra boxes titled "CAPTAIN'S UNIFORMS" and "DVD'S", Lister chuckled to himself, "Yeah, as long as lunch is provided."
For a while, nothing could be heard except for the shifting of cardboard and rattling of objects inside, until the silence was broken by the sound of shattering glass and the Cat's voice muttering, "It's fine, that probably wasn't important."
Lister was about to tell his friend to be a little more careful, but Cat spoke up first, "I don't get why you need some fancy lights anyways. If Ice Cube Head wants some lights that badly, we have tons of them on the ship already."
"Well, it's a bit different, innit?" Lister replied, shifting through tins of old wall paint, "It's Christmas lights he's after, because he's never celebrated Christmas before - not properly, anyway."
Cat laughed, "Buddy, what even is Christmas? I have never even heard of that! Are you sure you haven't made it up?"
"What? No, you know - Christmas! The best time of the year!" Lister turned around to face Cat, but when he saw the perplexed look on his face, he realised that maybe he wasn't messing with him, "You're being serious, aren't you? You've never celebrated Christmas before either, have you?"
Cat shook his head, delving into another cardboard box titled "MISCELLANEOUS", "Nah, cats never really celebrated anything, we would mostly just fight. It was you monkeys who did all the celebrating! *You* did all the Christmas-ing!" He laughed to himself for a moment, before pulling out a string of multicoloured lights, "Hold up a minute, are these what you're looking for?"
Lister got to his feet and took the lights, beaming at the sight of them, "Those are the ones!" He was about to turn around to leave, when he caught onto what his friend had just said, "Wait, you've never celebrated anything before? Really?"
"Nope!"
"So.... you don't even know what Christmas is?"
Cat shook his head again, "Can't say I do! So, what *is* it then?"
"Well, it's a holiday! People buy each other gifts, eat a gigantic feast and decorate a tree in lights and stuff. We sing carols, watch Christmas movies, and you know.... see it as a reminder to always be kind and honest to each other," Lister stared down at the cardboard box he was still holding, smiling faintly, "It's the best time of the year, really.... but I haven't celebrated it in years, being in deep space and all...."
Silence lingered in the air for a moment, until his friend broke it by snorting with laughter, "Aw, you monkeys with your feelings and stuff, that sounds so cheesy!"
Gathering up the fairy lights in both of his hands, Cat switched them on, only to be fixed by their hypnotising glow. Watching the colours bounce off each other softly was too mesmerising to resist. "But you know, it still sounds pretty nice. Especially the feast part!"
He had to agree with Lister here. After all, if this is what this whole 'Christmas' thing was going to feel like, maybe it was worth having?
Leaving the attic, Lister grinned widely, "I knew you'd agree! And hey, if it's a feast you want.... then it's a feast you'll get!"
The two friends strolled out of the attic, singing amongst themselves, getting the words completely wrong. Each clutching some piles of Christmas lights and decorations, they both felt significantly happier than they had.
Maybe it was the spirit of the season? Or just the promise of a feast, actually....
☆☆☆
As they passed through another corridor, a screen on the wall flickered on, and the familiar glow of Holly illuminated the place. A very welcoming face to see, in Lister's opinion. The idea of their beloved computer changing her face was met with some confusion for a while, but her soft blonde hair and permanently puzzled expression were easy to become fond of, really.
She smiled at both of them, "Alright, guys? What have you been up to, then?"
"We've been making Christmas happen, buddy!" Cat beamed at her, flashing all of his shiny teeth, "We found some old lights and decorations in the attic, and soon we're gonna cook up a big Christmas dinner - for everyone!"
Holly nodded, "Ah that's right, I forgot - it's Christmas Eve today, innit? Yeah, I remember the old captain trying to make me erase it from all my data banks years ago."
"Well, why didn't you then?" Cat wondered aloud.
"Didn't want to," was Holly's response, "I mean, who's he to tell me what to do? I'll remember whatever I like, thanks!"
But Lister's mind was lingering elsewhere. Hopping onto a different train of thought, he instead asked Holly, "Wait, why did he ask you to erase Christmas of all things? I don't remember that."
"Of course you don't Dave, it was years before you even set foot on this ship in the first place. Back when the entire crew would still come together to celebrate Christmas," Holly's eyes flickered over to a random area of the wall, likely to avoid staring at the other two, "From what I remember, everybody wanted to upkeep their own traditions, but the ship's captain decided to take charge of everything. He ran it like clockwork, he did. And nobody else really liked that. Not a single Christmas happened without a huge fight, so in the end he decided to get rid of it entirely."
"He got rid of it entirely?" Lister echoed, "So you guys hadn't celebrated at all since then?"
"Well, they didn't," Holly replied, "I never got the chance in the first place."
"Eh?"
"Every year at around mid December, the captain would re-evaluate how much power he was using. It took extra to make sure all the fancy ovens were working to cook the turkey in, get the lights turned on and all that. They realised because they were working amongst themselves to make sure they had the best holiday, they didn't really need me to help them out anymore."
Lister and Cat glanced at each other nervously, and Holly continued, "He just saw me as nothing more than a massive drain of power, so he would always switch me off just before Christmas."
Lister's face fell. He had been asking all of his crewmates about their Christmas experiences, and it almost seemed as if each story was becoming more depressing than the last.
Cat was the first to speak up, "So you've never had a Christmas before either?"
"Not one," said Holly, "Of course, they couldn't turn me off too early, as they still needed me to run maintenance checks around the ship. But when they were quite sure they could handle themselves without my services for a week or so, they'd cut my power until the new year."
A new expression crossed Holly's face. It was not typical of her to deviate from her usual deadpan expression, but something else seemed to be showing in her eyes. A discreet element of sadness and regret was quite apparent, as someone would normally feel if they'd been treated this way.
Of course, it's a little odd for a computer to be showing such emotions, but this isn't just a computer - this is Holly. And Holly was not known to be anything like any other computer out there.
Lister sighed, "I'm sorry, Hol."
Holly sighed too, "It's alright, Dave. It's just.... I think I would quite like to have a Christmas. I wanna at least see one for myself, even if I can't take part, you know.... being a computer and all...."
Lister nodded to himself, "Right, that's it! I'm getting started right now!" He turned around and stared down the corridor, a new sense of determination in his eyes.
Cat raised an eyebrow, "Where are you going now?"
"I've got to get this dinner started, haven't I? Need to plan all the food and stuff - and I've got to make sure I have all the Christmas films lined up!" Lister began stalking down the corridor, with his feline friend following close behind.
The mention of Christmas films made Holly beam, "We're gonna watch a film? All together?"
"Abso-smegging-lutely!" she could hear from down the corridor.
☆☆☆
This overly-enthusiastic Scouser had clearly over-estimated how much food he really had.
Opening every single cupboard he could find, he just kept sighing to himself. After all, he's three million years in deep space on a mining ship with four other people, most of whom don't even eat food anyway. Where was he going to find a smegging turkey?
After checking every cabinet, drawer and fridge in the entire kitchen area, all he could find was a few potatoes and what looked like a tin of somewhat-edible green sludge.
That was it. This was going to have to do.
And so he was on a mission. He spent the next hours peeling and boiling the potatoes, until he was ready to heat up the unknown space food.
Bringing it to a simmer, he raised an eyebrow. Maybe it was due to his low standards, but this wasn't so bad. It wasn't too firm or slimy, it didn't get too stuck to the spoon when he stirred it, and it didn't smell too bad.
Like a weird mixture between vegetables, cheese, crayons and smoke, he thought. Maybe if he served it up in just the right way, the crew wouldn't even notice that he had simply no idea what he was even cooking.
His train of thought went careering off the tracks when he was interrupted by none other than his neurotic bunkmate, "And just what are you up to now, Listy?"
"Preparing some food," Lister replied, without looking up, "It's not perfect, like.... but it's something."
Rimmer's whole face screwed up in disgust when he saw what he was stirring, "I see.... and what would you call this, erm, 'something', then?"
Practically immune to the hologram's snark, he shrugged, "Dunno. Haven't thought of a name.... but judging by the smell of it, Vegetable Surprise seems like a good shout!"
And with that, he went back to stirring - whilst the man who could not stir at all simply shook his head, "I don't have a good feeling about this one, Lister. I certainly applaud your effort, but Christmas? In deep space? I just don't think it can be done."
"Of course you'd say that, Rimmer. You've got no sense of wonder, no sense of joy," Lister said, taking his concoction off the heat for a moment.
He took a spoon out of the drawer opposite and tasted some of what he made, raising an eyebrow in surprise, "You know what? That's alright, that is! I mean, it's no curry or nothing, but it's edible!"
He placed his dish down, whilst Rimmer rolled his eyes, "No need to gloat or anything. I know fully well that I can't possibly eat any of this, being dead and all. That's why I cannot possibly enjoy Christmas anymore. I can't eat nice food, open gifts, or just do anything the same anymore."
Lister blinked. This was something he hadn't considered. He spoke up, "I'm sorry, man. I should've thought of that - "
"Oh don't be, I never enjoyed Christmas anyway. My father never liked to celebrate it, you see. Apart from going to church and having a family dinner, we didn't do anything together. Just another Sunday afternoon, it seemed.... and my father never really warmed to the concept of gift giving, either, said that nobody should ever receive anything they hadn't earned through pain and hard work."
Lister grimaced slightly, "Hard man to love, your dad.... I'm sorry, mate."
Rimmer scoffed, "Don't be, I don't see how it was your fault. Maybe he was right, I could've done more to earn my presents and general words of affection.... but still...."
"What?"
"There is one thing I've been thinking lately...."
"What is it, man?"
"I do sometimes wish I could go back, just to be able to eat a Christmas dinner one last time.... don't go mopey on me or anything, I'm not trying to make a sob story here, but I do wish I could taste it again, and there's no use in pretending that I don't."
There was a sudden rattle of more cupboards opening, followed by Lister's voice saying, "I'll make it happen, smeghead! Just you watch!"
"Excuse me?"
"I'll finish up this dinner - and I'll make it a feast fit for a hologram!"
Rimmer shook his head, "If you somehow manage to find a way to make a Christmas feast that's edible to a dead man, then I'll owe you big time, miladdo! But I doubt it."
And with that, he walked away, with his nose in the air.
☆☆☆
That evening, Kryten padded down the halls again, his Curiosity chip in full power. He knew that his crewmate - no, his *friend* - was really trying to make an effort, and he thought it might be worth checking up on him to see if he needed any help. After all, that was his job.
Distant clattering noises from downstairs indicated to him precisely where he would find him, and he wasted no time in heading over.
Tentatively, he opened the door, "Mr Lister, Sir? Forgive me for intruding, but I noticed that you've...."
The mechanoid glanced down and saw Lister on the floor, fast asleep!
It only made sense, really. He had been working so hard for the entire day, of course he was bound to be tired. But what to do now? Now that was the big question.
Remaining calm, he switched on the TV screen above him, and watched as Holly's pale face flickered into view yet again.
Kryten spoke up, "Hello there, Miss Holly! I was just wanting to ask you something?"
"Sure, what's happening?" she replied.
"Do you think you can assist me in preparing the perfect Christmas for Mr Dave in time for tomorrow?"
Holly raised an eyebrow, "Well, I don't know about that, Kryten."
His eyes widened ever so slightly, "Well, it's important!" he said, his voice slightly shrill with panic, "He wants this Christmas to be an amazing one, that's what he's worked so hard for! And I cannot stand by and let his hard work all go to waste! He is going to have an enjoyable time tomorrow, and we are *all* going to help him, whether *you* like it or not!"
"That's not quite what I meant," Holly responded, looking slightly shocked by this outburst, "I meant that it's just not the way it works. You can never make the 'perfect' Christmas because it doesn't exist. If there's one thing I do know is that there's no right or wrong way to celebrate the holidays, you just gotta do it, that's all."
The gears in Kryten's head began to turn, as Holly continued placidly, "This Christmas won't be perfect in any way, but that's alright. I can't help you make a perfect Christmas, but I can still try and help you make a fun one either way?"
Kryten then started taking plates of food, "Alright then.... we need to get Mr Rimmer and Mr Cat right away! I think we can do this!"
Holly nodded at him, before fizzling away and leaving the TV screen completely blank.
☆☆☆
When Lister awoke the next morning, he found it to be quite a struggle to even sit upright. Exhaustion still weighed him down like a physical entity sitting on him, crushing him into his bed.
Once he'd managed to shift his weary bones into a respectable sitting position, he noticed a small, slightly torn note sitting on the end of his bed.
Frowning, he unfolded it and read a scrawl so untidy, it was almost as if the writer had never even held a pen before:
*"Come down to the Officer's Club at 9am!"*
Glancing over at the clock, he saw it was 8:56am. He had plenty of time!
After he'd gotten himself washed and changed, it was only a brief stroll until he reached The Officer's Club, the room which once held a party especially for Kryten.
Except now the place looked totally different! Kryten's fairy lights were strung all over the walls, bringing a warm glow wherever they hit. The table was set with a fancy tablecloth that probably hadn't been used in millions of years, and on it sat plates of potatoes and Lister's mystery sludge. An old Christmas movie was playing on a very old crackly TV screen, and most importantly of all, everybody was here.
Cat, who was dressed in his finest red sparkly suit, beckoned him inside, "Surprise, buddy! Happy Christmas!"
His mouth still agape in awe, he looked around once more, stepping closer to the table.
Kryten, who was wearing nothing more than his usual shiny frame, smiled warmly at him, "We saw how hard you were working yesterday, so we decided to make it up to you! Consider it a thank you for throwing me that fabulous party not so long ago. I'm still grateful for that, you know!"
"Yes, we certainly worked hard on all this, and I'm hoping to enjoy it!" said Rimmer. He was wearing his green uniform, a flimsy paper crown and his usual smug grin. It was all so "Rimmer", and personally Lister wouldn't have changed it for the world.
He glanced around at everything once more as he finally sat with the others at the table. It was all so rushed, so imperfect, so.... cozy? The decorations were practically falling apart, the food was far from wonderful, and the TV was so distorted it was almost unwatchable, but still.
It was their first Red Dwarf Christmas, and it was uniquely theirs.
The biggest smile in the world broke out across Lister's round face, "Thank you.... thank you all so much!"
Rimmer shook his head, chuckling slightly, "Enough with all the sentiment, let the feast begin!"
Cat, Kryten and Rimmer began shovelling it all down as if their lives depended on it - bur Lister instead turned to Holly, who had spoken up.
"It all makes sense, of course," she smiled, "I manged to modify my recipes a little. I created some foods that were intended for holograms, and some other alternatives for androids. Didn't want anyone feeling left out, you know?"
Lister chuckled, "I appreciate that, Hol. You really went all out, all of you."
"Well, couldn't have ya being all sad for Christmas, could I?" said Holly. It was then he noticed that she had dressed up a little, too. She had some tinsel draped around her screen, and she had a Santa hat sitting on top of her head, with some sprigs of her namesake plant entwined with her lovely blonde hair.
There was something so charming about that, about all of this. In this moment, Dave Lister began to feel significantly less alone than he had. Life on Red Dwarf certainly was odd at times. Sure it was cold at times, and there was often a lack of atmosphere, but he could never ever truly be alone.... not with these smegheads around.
"Hey.... Merry Christmas, Dave."
He simply smiled again, "Merry Christmas, Holly."
THE END!! :)