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In Blitzø's business there are a lot of things that he finds strange and stupid.
Like how one sinner had specifically requested he kill someone in the human realm with a monster truck.
Or the lady who wanted him to take revenge on a vending machine that had crushed her to death when she'd tried to steal a bag of chips. (That had been an easy job. He almost felt bad for taking her money. Almost.)
But the shit he's hearing right now? This takes the cake.
“You're telling me this guy is named Hannibal… and he's a cannibal?” Blitzø says, disbelief colouring his voice.
His client, a gnarly looking guy with big chunks missing from his form nods, as though he doesn't see any issue with this at all.
“He ate me! I mean, I was probably delicious but what the hell?!?”
Blitzø runs his hands down his face.
“You gotta be fucking joking. His name literally rhymes with his crime,” Blitzø says, cringing at his own rhyme.
“Oh yeah, I never really thought of that,” the sinner says. “That's kinda weird, right?”
“Yeah, it's weird. But don't worry about a thing, I'll have him dead in no time,” Blitzø says. “And then he can fuck around in Cannibal Town.”
“There's a town for that?” his client asks.
“Sure is. Now get out. I've got some killing to plan,” Blitzø says, and waves the man out of his office. “Don't worry. I'm putting my best team on it.”
He watched Swiss Cheese Guy leave, his fingers steepled. This seemed like an open and shut case. A serial killer was always easy enough. Sometimes they tried to kill you back, sure, but it was never something he couldn't handle. It'd probably even be easy enough that he could bring his newest employee.
Stolas was newly weak and squishy without his powers, but he could handle a little human cannibal. Blitzø has no doubt about that.
“Stolas!” he shouts, and grins when he hears talons scuttling quickly towards his office.
“Hello, Blitzø,” Stolas says, coming around the corner of the doorway. “You called?”
“I'm bringing you topside,” he says. He catches the way Stolas' eyes go wide and the way he fidgets nervously with the paperwork in his hand, but doesn't say anything about it.
“Oh! How wonderful,” Stolas says, sounding reluctant as fuck. God damn it, Blitzø needs to gas him up a bit.
“You'll be great, Stolas! Remember the weapons training I gave you?”
“Ah yes,” Stolas says dryly. “The one in which you helped me aim the gun a little too sensuously and we ended up getting… distracted during?”
Ah fuck. Okay, that was fair. He guessed that didn't technically count as a whole training session.
“You learned plenty in the first few minutes. You're a quick study,” Blitzø says, to cover his nerves. Now that he thinks about it, he's not sure if he really should bring Stolas on this mission. After all, Stolas is pretty helpless without his powers. He remembers the way Stolas had chucked a bottle of water at that human the one time they'd gone to the to find Via. Soft and sort of gentle despite his anger.
And Blitzø doesn't want to admit it, but since the trial he's maybe, possibly, been coddling Stolas a little bit. It's just, seeing him experience pain now, seeing him get sick and struggle without the powers he'd used his whole life, makes Blitzø feel terrible.
“You'll do great, Stols. I'll take care of you. I promise.”
Stolas nods, his expression going soft.
“I know you will, darling,” he says.
After briefing Stolas, Blitzø loads them up with as many weapons as they can carry. “Remember, this guy is a murderer. We can't be too careful,” Blitzø tells Stolas as he straps a gun holster to Stolas' thigh. He's being so fucking professional right now. He hardly even strokes the soft feathers on the inside of Stolas' leg.
“Right,” Stolas agrees. “I will be very vigilant.”
“You ready?” Blitzø asks him seriously.
“Not quite,” Stolas says, then leans down to press a sweet soft kiss to Blitzø’s mouth. “Okay. Ready.”
Sappy.
Yet Blitzø can't help the heat that blooms in his cheeks.
“Alright. Let's go kick some rhymey ass!” Blitzø says, and rubs his crystal to open a portal, hopping through and making a sweeping gesture at Stolas to follow.
“You think if this guy ate Fizz, he'd taste funny?” Blitzø asks, grinning to himself. “You know, because he's a clown?”
Stolas laughs so hard that Blitzø has to shush him, but it sets the job off to a lighthearted start, and Blitzø doesn't mind. At least it seems to have calmed Stolas' nerves.
They end up at the house where the Sinner had been eaten by Hannibal the cannibal. According to the guy, it's been a few years, so Blitzø isn't even sure if this Hannibal still lives here. But it's the only lead he has. Before Blitzø can say a word to Stolas, there's the sound of a struggle coming from the front of the ugly modern house they've portaled behind.
“C’mon,” Blitzø says. “And keep low. Something's up.”
They move silently in tandem, and end up poorly hiding behind a scraggly bush out front.
The target is covered in blood already. Which is weird, but probably not that unexpected given that he's a cannibal.
What's weirder is the fact that the other guy with him is covered in it too. And they're… about to kiss? And they're on the edge of a cliff.
Oh, and there's a corpse there too.
So all in all it's weird as hell.
“Is this typical of a mission?” Stolas whispers to him.
“You think every mission I go on has two weirdos in a homoerotic embrace struggling with each other while drenched in blood as a corpse rots nearby?” Blitzø asks, just to be sure he's hearing Stolas right.
“I suppose not, then,” Stolas agrees. “So what's the plan?”
Blitzø assesses the situation with his keen eye. There's a lot of moving parts here. But if he plays this right, he won't even need to put Stolas in any danger.
He shrugs and steps out of their hiding spot.
The gays on the ledge don't even notice him. They're locked in the most intense look Blitzø has ever seen between two humans. They don't blink as he gets closer. They're lost in their own little world and for a moment Blitzø wonders what the hell their deal is. It seems like this is the culmination of a psychosexual drama that may have been happening for years.
But then he decides he doesn't give a flying crap, and gives them a little shove. They go tumbling over the side of the cliff together, and Blitzø peeks over the edge to see their bodies below. Definitely dead. He's pretty sure. Good enough!
They were taking too long to kiss anyways.
He dusts his hands off and grins at Stolas, who to his credit is clapping for him.
“Wonderful job, Blitzy,” Stolas says, as though he'd done some heroic feat just by pushing the two idiots off a cliff. Whatever. Blitzø would take the praise.
“Was it just me, or was that kind of…” Stolas trailed off.
“Hot? Yeah, Birdie. It was hot as fuck.”
“They looked like they might have been in love,” Stolas says, sounding all dreamy and shit about it.
“Yeah,” Blitzø agrees. “They can fuck in Hell. If they get around to it. Was taking them forever to smack lips.”
“Speaking of smacking lips, as it were…” Stolas says hopefully.
Blitzø pulls him down almost before he's finished speaking and kisses him deeply. Take that, Hannibal the cannibal.
Blitzø knows how to keep his lover satisfied with kisses and shit.
“Eat it, Hannibal,” Blitzø says when they part for air.
“I think that's what got him into trouble in the first place darling,” Stolas giggles.
“Oh my fucking Satan,” Blitzø groans, but he's laughing despite himself. “You're a dumbass.”
“Your dumbass,” Stolas corrects him.
Blitzø smiles, because it's true. Stolas is his. He still can't believe it.
“Great job, big bird,” Blitzø says. “Good first mission.”
“Thanks boss,” Stolas says, his tone flirty. “I did do so very much.”
“Don't worry. You'll get to do some real killing next time,” Blitzø promises him as he opens a portal back to Hell.
And if Blitzø avoids Cannibal Town for a little while, that's his own business. He's got his own psychosexual drama to attend to.