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“Eds, can you bring me another box?”
Buck heard a faint confirmation noise from downstairs and he continued sorting through the sea of miscellaneous items, the whole room still looked like a shipwreck despite the fact he and Eddie had spent a considerable amount of their morning working on the space. In hindsight, maybe agreeing to clean someone else’s makeshift storage room to prep for a new nursery was not a very good idea if said person (or persons) was not present in the house with them, but Maddie was on a shift that she could not swap with anyone and Chimney pulled a double at the fire station as he had been these past couple of months saving up for the incoming addition to their family.
Buck was taking a stack of heavy boxes out of the closet when a blur of brown flew past him from the upper shelf, very nearly hitting him on the head had his reflexes to dodge were not better. A thud followed by a clink clank of trinkets was heard a second later.
Oh no.
“Hey, Buck! Are you okay? I hear-” He did not look up to see where Eddie had seemingly apparated in the room, too busy frantically putting the scattered items of Maddie’s baby box back into its place.
“n-no, no, it’s fine, let me just- “That was when he realized one of the hinges of the box had come off. “Fuck.”
“Buck, hey, Bu- “
“What is it, Ed?!” He finally turned his head in Eddie’s direction. Something transpired on Eddie’s face, and between the thumping of his heart and the floods of memories, Buck could not decipher it fast enough before Eddie schooled his face to a more neutral expression. It was not until he felt warmth running down his cheeks that he realized he had been crying.
Eddie put a hand on his forearm, pulling the box away from his shaky grip with another.
This can’t be happening.
I thought I’d moved on past this.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“It’s ok, Buck, here, let me see.” Eddie sounded softer than earlier, taking a look at the box. “Nothing a little superglue can’t fix; I can even try to re-screw with Chris’ glasses repair kit tools.”
Buck was forever grateful Eddie did not press on the undeniable issue at hand, instead choosing to focus on the other thing. He could feel his heart had slowed down, still felt like shit but definitely not escalating to a full-blown panic. A mention of Chris, even briefly, did add a layer of heaviness to the air in the room. A moment had passed before both of them said anything.
“Let’s take a break.”
“W-what?”
“Let’s grab something to eat.” It was more of an already fixed decision than a suggestion.
“But the mess…”
“I’ll lock the door. We can continue later, they’ll understand.” Eddie pulled Buck off the floor, “so, pizza?”
“Pizza.”
A quick message to Maddie telling her that they were out of the house to grab lunch and a promise that he would continue the cleaning later, both of them were out the door and headed to a nearby pizza joint on his truck. Buck was still silent but had looked better than the state he was in earlier, crouching on the floor, sobbing, arms frantically gathering old ultrasound scans and other things back into a box. Eddie did not recognize it at first, since he had never actually seen the box with his own eyes before, but from the yellowing documents and baby things, he could deduce what box it was. Buck had told him about its existence, late at night amidst bottles of beers and shots of what Buck thought was vodka but was too drunk to notice that they were water Eddie had ordered for him instead, alternating between crying and self-deprecating snorts, a week after Buck’s parents presented the box to Maddie, in front of Buck, whom they did not make a box for. Even remembering that made him grip the steering wheel tighter, knuckles turning white, anger blazed anew.
Eddie could not believe it at first, could not fathom how anyone could do something like that to another person, much less to their flesh and blood. Only after he asked Maddie the whole story after that night that he discover such horrible people do exist. Eddie chalked Maddie’s comment about their parents were not bad people, just bad parents to Maddie’s defense mechanism, her subconsciously trying to make herself believe that their parents were not as awful as they were. That being said, Eddie still would not grace that statement with agreement.
Nothing in this world, not even their (what Eddie thought were) pathetic attempt at caring after Buck had been hit by lightning, could make up for the shit they had done to Buck in the first place. Buck, though, the saint that he was, had seemed to appreciate this gesture, accepted it even. It pained Eddie to think of course Buck had accepted it, it was the one thing he had looked for his whole life, even slivers of attention from his parents must felt like a drop of water in the middle of a long drought. He wanted to yell at Buck, shaking him hard, until he realized that they were not worthy of him. That he deserved so much more, so much happiness, so much love, than what he had gotten from anybody in his life. This is why, when Buck had told him that he would not just let his parents back into his life willy-nilly after they attempted reconciliation, Eddie felt like the proudest person in the whole world.
His train of thought was cut when Buck broke the silence in the car with a voice so small it was damn near a whisper.
“I’m sorry.”
Eddie could not believe this.
“Buck, you have nothing to feel sorry for.”
“I-I, I thought I had gotten past that thing. That I had accepted that they just don’t love me...”
Eddie wanted to reply with a speech rivaling the length of any essays he had ever written combined on why that was just not true but he sensed that Buck was not done talking.
“…After I failed to save the son they care about. I me-”
Nope, na-ah, we are not going there, not today, not ever.
“Buck.”
Buck fell silent. Okay so maybe that came out harsher than he intended, so he tried again.
“Buck.”
He could see from the corner of his eye that Buck had exhaled the breath he must have held.
“It was not your fault. What happened with Daniel…” Damnit he could see Buck flinched; Eddie coughed a non-existent itch on his throat.
“What happened back then was not your fault. However your parents reacted, and how they had acted towards you, were on them and them alone.”
Eddie took a deep breath.
“You were just a kid, Buck, damn, a baby even, a-a neonate, do you know a neonate, Buck?” of course he knows, he’s a damned walking encyclopedia, Eddie thought this was not his best moment, his brain was filled with rows upon rows of reasons of why Buck should never think of himself that way but words jumbled in his throat, wanting to be let out all at once through his tongue, “a-anyone putting any blame on a neonate doesn’t deserve you, Buck. You are infinitely better and are above them.”
His arms moved before he could realize it. Grabbing Buck’s and pulling it on his thigh.
“If I have to repeat, every day, for the rest of my life, i-if that’s what it takes to get through that thick skull of yours…” Huh, that earned him a small smile, a minuscule even, but Eddie still counted that as a win, no matter how minor, “… that you’re not the one to blame, that you’re worth it, I’ll do it.”
Eddie could feel the hands in his grip loosen their tension, he could also see Buck’s shoulders sagged, as if a burden had been taken off them, if not, then at least it had lessened. If it were not for the fact that he was actually driving, He would like to savor the view.
“T-thanks, Eddie, that means a lot.” Yeah, Eddie could see Buck still had not let the thought go completely, but hey, progress.
“Look, Buck, I…” he did not know how to say what he wanted to say, “I’m no Frank or Dr Copeland, Its-it’s a lot to process, definitely, I mean, by all means, take your time, I’m not telling you to just forget about it, don’t care for it, or to repress it, or anything, but…” why can’t the words just come out right, “but I mean it, when I said it was not your fault,” breath, Diaz, “logically, not just because I’m your best friend, anyone with the right mind would think so, too.”
He could feel Buck’s hands squeezed his own.
“Oh Eds that’s-that’s nice to hear.” Buck seemed to blink tears that started to well in his eyes, “Thank you, again, sorry it has come to this, God, I’m so embarrassed, over a stupid box.”
Eddie really was this close to making do with his suggestion of reassuring Buck for the rest of his life, even considering making it a threat at this point. Eddie knew what that box represented. What it, or the lack of it, meant for Buck. Eddie sighed.
“It wasn’t stupid, Buck, and you know it.”
The silence that followed was not something He would deem comfortable, but it was enough. It was not as thick and palpable as before when he thought that if a passerby were to walk by, they would hit the air and fall back.
The pizza was okay, it did its job, and it gave them sustenance for the day, Eddie could not care less about the taste, but if it could distract Buck enough, he would eat cardboard if he had to.
Buck fell asleep all the way back, Eddie had decided to take Buck back to his loft, instead of going back to Maddie’s house, thankfully, he did not protest. Eddie had considered if he should bring Buck to his house, but he thought maybe he should give him space, to gather his thoughts, and hopefully to take what he had said to heart. He would still check on Buck later though, offering if he wanted him there or if he wanted to come over to his house instead. After dropping Buck off, he headed to Maddie’s house to finish what they had started. By the time he had sorted all the stuff into its respective boxes, even putting said boxes in an actual storage room, Maddie came home.
He told Maddie what happened that day, what he would give to have this conversation with a bottle or two beers inside him, but that would be unseemly to do so in front of a pregnant lady, and he was driving anyway. Maddie had explained that she had purposely put the box away but forgotten where exactly she had put it until Buck found it. She treasured the items inside, sure, but if looking at it brought back memories of that confrontational day with Buck and her parents, she would rather not be reminded of it every day had it been put in more visible places. She had not expected it would affect Buck that much, but she understood if it did. Maddie was the one who insisted that they let the box be, broken hinge and all, that he should not be taxing himself any more than he already did. Oh, and that she would bury that box in the deepest of boxes if it meant Buck could never find it again.
“Eddie?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you, for what you did to Buck.”
“Nah, don’t mention it.”
With his resolution set, the following two weeks, Eddie was on a mission. He made a few calls, texted some, even rummaged through his own storage room, and bought a box he deemed would fit.
Buck and he were lounging in his living room, Buck sprawling on the sofa and him on the carpet, watching some documentary about… he did not even know what it was about except something that had to do with deep sea creatures, also something about underwater volcanoes, or maybe about how the both of them interacted? He was busy debating himself whether tonight was the right time. The night was by all means nothing special, at least so far, no birthday, no anniversary, no celebration, or anything, Buck just showed up at his door earlier, holding a paper bag filled to the brim from Eddie’s favorite Mexican restaurant downtown. It was no Abuela’s, but eh, it was pretty good. It was a nice, sober night for the two of them.
“I wished I remembered him,” Buck pulled himself up, sitting properly on the sofa.
Eddie was thankful he had not been drinking anything.
“What?”
“Daniel, I wished I got to spend more time with him, growing up, I’ve always wanted a brother.”
Eddie rose from his place on the floor and sat next to him, he searched Buck’s eyes, the sadness was there, but there was something else, longing?
“I-I mean not that Maddie was not enough, she’s the best sister ever, no competition there, taught me everything…”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Huh?”
“Growing up with two sisters… were, something, yeah, definitely something, I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but there are times I wished I had a brother.”
Buck chuckled. Then he took a deep breath.
“I know there was no point dwelling in the what ifs, but sometimes, I wonder, if he had been alive, what would it mean for me, you know.”
“Bu- “Eddie was about to say something before he was cut off.
“Wait, Nah, never mind, you must be bored of this topic already. I sound like a broken record.” Buck said with a shake of his head.
“Buck, don’t”
Eddie could sense that Buck was closing up, he had to stop the gate slamming.
“No, Buck, I’m here, if, if you want to talk about anything.” He grabbed Buck’s hands in his, “Let me be your brother, yeah? You can tell me anything. That’s what brothers do, right?”
He could see Buck’s eyes light up at his words, and yet, he felt something inside him crack, he was not even sure what it was, brother…, but if it meant that he could see Buck light up like that again, then sure, yeah, he’d be his brother, he’d be whatever Buck needed him to be. He would just think of this something later.
Buck cleared his throat.
“Uh, sure, thanks, Ed, I’d like that.”
“Good.”
“I feel like, it would be better for everyone, maybe he’d be everything my parents ever wanted, maybe he…” Buck gulped, “Maybe He could’ve protected Maddie…”
Eddie could guess, no, he knew what Buck meant to say … unlike me. But he kept it to himself. Oh, Buck,
“… Maybe he’d be the cool brother, y’know, he’d be the cool one, and I’d get to be the sidekick.” Buck’s smile did not quite reach his eyes. Even in his fantasy, even in his wishful thinking, Buck still put himself second. Eddie decided then, that that night was as good as any to give Buck his gift.
“Maybe if I had succ- “Buck coughed, “maybe if he had been alive, my parents would love me.”
“Umm, Buck, I-I know, we’re not your parents.” What was that, Diaz? “Wait that sounds wrong, umm, I mean, what you had… or not… with your parents, I-I wish I had the power to give it to you, what you want, I-I, ask anyone, Buck, anyone who knows you, who knows how good you are, how caring, and brave, and, and, I can go on forever, bet they’d do the same for you.”
There Eddie saw it, only a glimpse, but it was there nonetheless, the self-deprecating look on his face, how he wanted to wipe that expression away, to rid it entirely off the face of the earth. Eddie took a deep breath.
“We love you, Buck.” That something in his chest cracked some more, he wanted to know what that something was, or why it felt like there was something incomplete in that we, or rather, why the we, while true that a lot of people loved Buck, was being said to hide something, in its inclusion, or rather, someone.
Himself.
Oh.
He needed a timeout.
“Wait here, Buck.”
He did not mean to run, but it seemed like that was what he did, back to his room, his heart racing in his chest, and he could feel the tears welling in his eyes.
After all these times.
He had not had enough time to think things through to be able to say in hindsight … the epiphany had just come to him a few seconds ago, but it made sense. How he always felt protective of Buck, yet at the same time felt safe when he was around, how everything felt better with him, how happy he was, how happy Christopher was with him, Oh Christopher, what would he think about this, and how everything seemed to fall into place once he realized that he loved Buck.
You can have my back any day.
Or you know, you could have mine.
Eddie reached for under his bed, he had never felt himself smile this wide ever since Chris left, he took out a box that he had been preparing for the last two weeks or so, and then it hit him.
Brother.
He did all of this because of what happened to Buck’s brother. And he remembered how Buck’s face had lighted up when he said he’d be his brother. The elation he had up until this point cracked into a million pieces at that thought. He sucked in a deep breath, willing to pull himself together.
Brother.
Buck had wanted him to be his brother, to be something he had never had. Another breath, well, if that was what Buck wanted …
Eddie swore that it was what Buck’s gonna get.
A brother.
Nothing more, and he was sure as hell, nothing less.
When he came back carrying the box, Buck had not moved from his position, eyes blankly staring at the wall. Eddie saw the tears had left track marks on his cheeks.
The amount of deep breath he took that day would make Frank proud of him.
“Was it so hard of a concept to believe?” He thought he was going to force himself to smile, but somehow it occurred to him naturally, just as easy as any other time he smiled when Buck was around.
“Huh?”
“That we love you?” That was it, that damned we, again.
“I …”
Buck’s eyes trailed down to the box he was holding between his hands. It was, physically, a generic brown box, there are millions of them out there. The one telltale sign that it was not like any other boxes in appearance was the scrawly handwriting of one trusted toddler named Jee-Yun read “Buck”.
“Eddie, what’s that?” Buck said, suspiciously, he must have recognized Jee’s handwriting.
“Here,” Eddie said, dropping himself on the sofa, the box between the two of them, “is your box.”
“My box?” Buck still seemed so dumbfounded.
“Yes, umm, again, it won’t replace the box that you did not have or that you weren’t given by … um, anyway … I hope, we hope, that this box can show you that we love you, Buck.” That I love you.
“Oh Eddie” Buck sobbed, he tried to wipe the tears away with his palms to no avail, Eddie’s heart was crushed, this was how Buck should feel every day of his life, to know that he was loved, to feel that he was loved, the fact that he was not, Eddie wanted to punch a wall, but that was neither here nor there.
“You don’t have to.”
“You haven’t even opened the box yet, Buck.” Eddie wiggled his brows, which earned him a snort, that, in Buck’s crying state, meant it also earned him a snot.
“Jerk.” Buck tried to wipe his nose with his shirt’s sleeves, but he kept laughing. Eddie wanted to record what he saw and save it in his brain forever. The sound of his laugh, his reddened nose, the crinkles on the side of his eyes, his blue irises that were only visible slightly between his lashes from how much the smile had reached his eyes. Why did he just realize it then, just how beautiful he was?
“Anytime you’re ready.” Eddie gave him the pocket knife.
Ever so slowly, Buck ran the knife across the taped opening of the box, Eddie could feel the giddiness radiating from his body. When it finally reached the whole way through, Buck opened the box.
The first thing Buck saw when he opened the box, on top of everything else, was a pair of black-rimmed glasses with bright red sides that continued to the strap that wrapped around the back.
“Eddie, this is…” he sucked in a deep breath, he found himself speechless.
“There is nothing in this world that I wouldn’t give if it means that you and Christopher will always be safe.” Eddie took a deep breath of his own, “But this is life, and there will always be challenges… I-I’m sorry if these glasses brought you memories you would rather forget, as it did to me, at least some of it, that few seconds when I thought Christopher was gone …” he could see tears welling up in Eddie’s own eyes, “… was hell, I could not imagine, even after all these years, how you must have felt that day.” Eddie’s hand joined him holding the glasses on its sides. “But at the same time, these glasses are one of the many, countless proof, that Christopher and I will always trust you, Buck, you had kept him safe, all these years, and even if I” Eddie tried to suck in a sob, “even if I’m currently failing him… I know, he’ll always trust you, we will always trust you.” Buck let go of the glasses, letting Eddie hold them, while he put the whole box on the coffee table, eliminating any distance between them by crashing him in a hug.
“Don’t… ever say that Eddie, you are not failing him, not now, not ever.” He could feel himself holding back his sob, he could feel the shoulder under his chin tremble as Eddie hugged him back, squeezing him just as hard, “it is an honor to be trusted by both of you, and I would do anything to keep that trust. I’ll have your back, any day, for the rest of my life.” He felt the trembling some more before Eddie loosened his grip and slowly pulled away from the hug.
“You mean so much to us, Buck,” Eddie said, their face only inches from each other. His eyes looked deep into Buck’s own. Then he put the glasses on the table, beside the box.
The next item he pulled from the box was an empty bottle of wine. Surely the collective group had many bottles of wine together, he raised his brow at Eddie.
“It’s from Maddie. She had kept that empty bottle of wine… from the first night you both met in LA.” Eddie was not there, but from the mischievous glint in his eyes, Maddie must have told him what happened that night, the bathroom incident, and all.
“No way! She kept it all these times?”
“She was not sure what to put in the box, there were so many to consider, but she ultimately chose this one, a memento of a new beginning, of a fresh start, of the moment that proved she was brave enough to fight, and to go to find her happiness, it was when she found you, Buck.”
“I …”
“She loves you so so much, Buck. To her, you are worth it, you’re worth everything.”
“Yeah, she’s amazing. She practically raised me, the sister that stepped up.”
He was sooo going to call Maddie after this.
“Also, she said that she had already given you the postcards, so she had contributed enough to the box’s cause.”
Buck laughed, he felt so light, so happy, and it felt like it just grew and grew with each passing minute. Something he thought impossible mere hours ago. He loved her sister so much. He could not imagine, how much worse off he would be if it were not for his sister in his life.
He was once mad at her, in his stupid juvenile mind in what felt like lifetimes ago, for refusing to go with him on the jeep, but he had come to understand that she was trying to protect him then, keeping him safe from Doug. Even in the years of silence between them that followed, of unanswered calls and un-replied letters, she did so to make sure he could not have found Buck. He had sworn, on everything that was holy, that he would protect her with everything he got, even his life, if it ever come to that.
He had been putting down the bottle next to the glasses when something caught his eye, a cross, inside the box.
When he pulled it out, turned out it was a rosary. Eddie fell silent beside him.
“I wished… I wished so many of these items did not remind me, or you, of the many terrible things that had happened, but…” Eddie sighed, “You know what they said, grief is the other side of love.”
Buck rolled a bead between his fingers, the only person he could think of ….
“It’s from Bobby, he said it was his miracle rosary, different than any other he owns.” Eddie smiled softly, “It was the one he brought to the hospital the day you had finally woken up from your coma… after the lightning strike.” A tear rolled down Eddie’s face.
“I’m sorry.”
“What, Buck?” the flabbergasted look on his face would be funny on any other occasion except this one.
“Sorry I put you guys through that, I…”
“Strike one.”
“W.. what?” it certainly felt like he was the one flabbergasted this time around.
“You only have two left, you can’t apologize for everything that was not your fault, Buck.”
“You can’t…”
“Na ah, I certainly can.”
He could sense an undignified pout formed on his face but he could not be bothered.
“There were times, back then, at the hospital, when Athena had to pry him off your bed, it was like watching an immovable object facing off an unstoppable force,” Eddie chuckled, “Eventually he relented, of course, It was Athena after all, but he never went too far nor too long. He cares for you, Buck; he loves you like you’re one of his own.”
His first instinct was to deflect, to say not really, but he owed Bobby this one, “Yeah, yeah he does.”
Bobby, and by extension, Athena, was the closest thing he got to the parental figure in his life. They had accepted him, loved him, for himself. He did not have to hurt himself to have them care for him, and when he did (he’s Buck, of course, it was bound to happen) they had taken care of him so much he could not believe that they shared no blood connection at all. He had felt chastised, before, during the aftermath of the blood thinner fiasco, but Bobby and him had talked about it, and he had come to an understanding, that it stemmed from a place of love. If Bobby could put him in bubble wrap, protected from all the dangers of the world, he would, but then he realized that was not how you treat your kids.
The rosary felt like it had gotten heavier in his hands, he put it down as reverently as he could on the table.
The night had gotten later, but he could not care less about the time. He felt so, so, loved.
“A phone?”
It was an old one, the one that still had a home button on it, he tried to think of anything and then it hit him.
“Chimney…”
“It, it, wasn’t a good memory for anyone, at least the beginning…” Eddie trailed off, “but Chimney wanted you to know that you had saved his life, and Maddie’s, that he cannot live without, so in a way you had saved his life twice in the presence of this phone.” Eddie looked down at his fidgeting hands, “you had brought Maddie back to him, Buck. That’s, that is what Chimney wants you to remember.”
Buck released the breath he did not realize was holding. Memories of those days came back flooding in. The trees, the red snow, their journey back in the ambulance.
“Buck?”
“Huh? Oh yeah, yeah.” He blinked rapidly, Eddie’s hand on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry, Buck, I did not think this through, God, what was I thinking, ambushing you with all of these while you’re very clearly still processing the things from earlier. I, I’m sorry Buck.” He saw Eddie running his hands through his hair.
Buck grabbed those hands, pulling them down between them. He leaned forward, so much so that their forehead touched.
“Eddie …”
Eddie’s eyes were closed, breaths ragged, as if he was collecting himself. Buck thought this must have taken a toll on him too, walking down the memory lane, of many emotionally-ridden events of their intertwined lives. Eddie had reminded him of how much love he had received from his friends and his… family. And they were not even finished through the box yet. Buck felt stupid, so incredulously stupid, that he wallowed over not being loved while actually, that was not true, the love for him was all over him. Eddie was the one who helped remind him of it, Eddie, who went out of his way to collect these items from their friends and family, as if physical reminders are needed to help Buck remember, which, he thought to himself, maybe at that time, he did need the extra help.
Buck took a deep breath, sharing the air with Eddie in the small space they had between them.
Eddie also made him realize just how much he loved them, and how he would do anything to keep them safe. He remembered those times he felt his heart full seeing them happy, even more so when he remembered the times when he was the cause of happiness of the people around him. As moments of him loving and being loved by the others flipped through inside his mind, scenes passing one after the other like the world’s most beautiful chronophotographs, one face stood out from the rest of the bunch, he opened his eyes, the same face that right then was only inches away from him.
Eddie was there, Eddie was… everywhere in his memories. His mind flashed to his hand rubbing on his shoulder as they both saw Chris left with his parents, the silly poses they made during May’s graduation a long time ago, the shock, and subsequent happiness, he felt when Eddie dropped Chris off with him the day after the tsunami, the plaster he put on Eddie’s bedroom wall after he had a breakdown over his comrades. Had Buck allowed his mind to go on, he would not have been able to do anything else, lost in his mind, basking in the memories of how Buck had felt so loved, and in turn, he felt…
Oh.
He loved Eddie.
He knew he cared for his best friend, more than he ever felt for any of his friends before, it felt different, yeah, but he never dwelled on trying to put a name on the feeling, coz, y’know, he’s Eddie, and he’s Buck, why complicate things, but it was clear then, that it was love.
He cleared his throat, the silence had felt like forever, he did not know how long they had stayed in that position, oh the things he’d give just to know what was inside Eddie’s mind then.
“E... Eddie, don’t apologize.”
Eddie opened his eyes.
Buck broke the contact between their forehead, he wanted to get a clearer view of the man he loved.
“You have helped me realize how loved I am, Eds, how many people actually cared about me, and in turn how much I love you guys. Thank you.” He wanted to say a whole lot more, how he wanted to clarify that there was a separation between the you and the guys, and how stupid he had been only realizing it then, the love he had for him. But Buck remembered what Eddie had offered. He had offered him to be his brother, and if that was what Eddie offered, he would gladly take it with open arms, he could love Eddie as brothers, wasn’t that what Buck had wanted? To have a brother?
Eddie looked at him with such tender gaze, Buck wanted to screenshot this view on his brain forever.
“You’re so easy to love, Buck.” Eddie coughed, “By us, you’re a good person, Buck, of course, we love you.”
Buck wanted to admit that he saw something in Eddie’s eyes before he coughed, but he was too busy stunned at the first admittance and picking pieces of his heart up from hearing the second half to notice. Yeah, it’s good enough. Buck told himself, wasn’t being loved by them, by those around him, what he wanted? But why did it suddenly feel not enough? Like he wanted more, to be loved by a certain someone, in ways that were different than the others. He could feel his insecurities creeping up at his back, this is why you’re not worthy of them, Buck, you’re never satisfied. They have given you their love and attention, and what did you do? You chase after another thing; you chase after the unattainable thing and leave what you had behind.
He tried to blink back the tears, but it seemed like Eddie had noticed.
“Hey, hey, what’s wrong, it’s a good thing, right, we love you, okay, we love you.”
“I, I’m sorry.” If Buck could not tell him the whole truth, I’m sorry for loving you, for wanting more, then he could at least tell him a partial of it.
“I’m sorry, for not realizing it before, for desperately wanting something that’s clearly not there, to the point that I have been ignoring those who are actually around me, those who actually love me.”
“No, Buck, you said it yourself, you love us, and you haven’t been ignoring us, not even in the slightest, you just need a reminder, that’s all.” Eddie gave his shoulder a squeeze.
You’re too kind, too good for me. Buck sniffled
“Also, strike two.”
Buck could not believe it, in the state that he was in, but he barked a laugh.
“Eddie!”
“You know the rules.” His eyes crinkled with a smile. Side button, volume up, another screenshot on his brain.
They continued going through the items from the box, Eddie telling him stories behind each item and who those items were from, the conversation had also become lighter, them focusing more on the happy memories behind each item, although, as Eddie had said, some items did have a bittersweet backstory. He laughed when he saw a sock puppet he had made with Jee-Yun, poked Eddie with a miniature sword Hen had bought at the ren faire they went to together, rolled the telescope keychain from the day Denny, Mara, and he went to the Griffith Observatory between his fingers, and many other trinkets from his friends, family, and coworkers that Eddie had collected. They had given him things that reminded them of him, something that proved to him that he mattered. The both of them had laughed, had cried, and laughed some more, midnight notwithstanding.
The last item in the box was a black velvet box. Eddie did not immediately tell him who the box was from.
“Eddie? Did I forget ever asking someone to marry me and they’re giving me back the ring?” He joked, but he did not hear Eddie laugh. Buck looked up, but Eddie just sat there. Curiosity got the better of him and he opened the box, inside, was a Saint Christopher medallion attached to a necklace chain not dissimilar to the one Eddie had. He could see his fingers tremble as he picked up the medallion.
Eddie sucked a breath in front of him, the movement made the chain of his necklace reflect lights between the collar of his shirt.
“I, I thought, when I ordered it, I thought it would be cool for us to share a token, you know, I, I don’t really see you having Christopher’s old glasses around your neck would be practical in the daily.” Eddie scoffed a laugh at himself, “and the box would be too large to carry around to…” Eddie fidgeted with his medal through the fabric of his shirt, “I, I want you to have a reminder that you mattered, Buck, that, that if you choose to, you can wear so you can be constantly reminded of that.”
He saw Eddie take another deep breath.
“Christ, I don’t plan to tell you this, I, I, apparently, I realized something, tonight, that, I want you to know, that, I want that medal to also remind you that you are loved… and that I... love you, Buck.”
Buck felt like the world had stopped, like the rug had been pulled from beneath his feet, like, every expression of its equivalent in the thesaurus happened to him at the same time. He was…
“I, I know you said you want a brother, and I had offered to be so to you, I was ready to become just that for you, I had made my mind, but, but I, I can’t, Buck, if I don’t tell you know, I might explode. I love you, Buck”
He wanted to reply, to say the words back, but words seemed to be stuck in his throat, not being able to let out. Then he saw Eddie sobbing.
“But, if, if that’s what you want, yeah, I, Id, be your brother, I can be that for you, I’d be anything for you.” Eddie shook his head, eyes rimmed red, tears beginning to roll down his cheeks. That was when Buck found it in himself to speak, he could not let Eddie cry, he would be damned if he was the cause of his woes.
“Eddie.”
Eddie looked up, and the sight in front of him burned in his brain, a reminder that he would never allow himself or anyone to make Eddie look like that, feel like that.
“I love you too, Eddie.”
Eddie stilled.
“I love you. Apparently, I have always been, I, I just didn’t know it yet. Knowing it, it feels like someone finally put a correct diopter on my lenses, it was clear now, all of those moments, all of those feelings, everything that I have ever felt for you, it’s love, Eddie.”
Eddie’s expression had changed, thank God, he could not bear another second seeing his pained face.
“I’m sorry, for a moment there, that I made you think that I don’t love you back, I was so stunned, I couldn’t find words that, no, there are no words in the entirety of the dictionary that are sufficient to represent the love I have for you, Eddie.”
He could see Eddie’s lips wobbled into a smile. Screw screenshots of his brain, he wanted to see that smile live, directly in front of him, for the rest of his life.
“Strike three.”
“I ca- “
And then he felt it, on his lips, a bit salty from the tears that he no longer cared belonged to whom, what mattered was that he tasted Eddie’s lips on his. It was soft, it was everything I thought it would be and more. If the dictionary could not give him his words, then fine, Buck would just tell Eddie in other ways that he hoped he would understand. He kissed him back, arm shot out to hold him on the back of his head, keeping him in place. He kissed and kissed some more.
They were, after all, still human, they had to let go to take a breath at some point.
Between his pants, Eddie whispered.
“that’s… your punishment for the third strike.”
Buck scoffed; he could not believe this man.
“Yeah? Best damned punishment in the world.” Buck said as he launched himself back at Eddie, making both of them fall on the sofa, resuming what they had started.